99 44/100ths random crap

I think I can feel it coming on...
This might be the big one, Lucille...
I petted a goat or two this weekend (HEY, that sounds like a euphemism, doesn't it, Petted the Goat, like:
Hey, what did you do this weekend?
Me and the old lady stayed in and "petted the goat")
But really, I did pet a goat or two, and a sheep, and some other small goat/sheep like animals... Oh, and this little fat cow... (damn! what a sexy post so far)...
And when I petted this one goat, I was trying to feed it some pellets or something, but it didn't want the pellets, it was all sniffin and lickin my hand (uhhh) and I got goat drool all over my hand (HAWT!)...
I slowly washed my hands in the cold water, my skin getting tight from the cold, then pressed and pressed the soap dispenser and foamy creamy white soap was all over my hands, and I rubbed it into my skin, between my fingers, up and over to the back of my hand, then rubbed my hands together over and over and over, then gently pushed the knob to get the water flowing and slowly pushed my hands under the cold water and they were all slick and sliding together as I rinsed and rinsed and finally I was done, I took a towel and wiped the moisture off until I was dry again, and I threw the towel away... then I took a picture of a turkey...
I hope I wasn't cranky, I didn't mean to be cranky... I don't like to be in crowds of people at places like that... I have a problem with people feeling entitled, and I felt like I was in the belly of the beast, so to speak... Fall City, Remlinger Farms... a little to close to all the fancy rich eastside people with their big fancy houses, and their big fancy cars, and the matching sweat suits and $300 strollers... I cringe when I see these eastside wives climbing out of these big ass SUV's dressed casual but loaded down with gold and diamonds... talking in their cell phones as they pull out their kids and blah blah... apparently I do have issues... but really, they will not hesitate to run your ass over with their strollers or nannies or whatever then make YOU apologize for being in the way to be run over... I think, although this did not actually happen to me... I did see a few of them stop in the middle of the sidewalk and leave their strollers blocking the way... I don't know, now I just feel bitchy...
I think I am coming down with something... did I mention that? No? Well, yeah... I do...
Must think positive thoughts...
Ok, how about this... My wife is so hot!!!
While we were wondering around on Saturday I was noticing that none of the bellevue bitches held a candle to my baby. She was like a panther, or puma or lioness or something, all slinkin' around the place... I was followin' her around, waiting for her to like kick someones ass or stare them down or something... She wouldn't do that, not just for the hell of it... She would be nice, smile and laugh and stuff, but if someone stepped out of line I imagine she would strike like the cobra and leave a trail of less attractive or more uptight women laying on the ground whimpering... I admire her for this...
She has been working hard on her music stuff, going to school and getting the girls to their schools and doing all the other stuff she needs to do... she is like a flurry of activity all the time... I feel like a total scrub next to her... I don't think she believes me when I tell her I think she is hot or talented or other things, but I think it is just because I do not have words that adequately describe my admiration... I use small words, easy to pronounce, simple... I deliver it much like I would deliver a uhh, what are they called, report or something... opening paragraph where I state my point, then a couple paragraphs where I state my point in simple detail, then a closing paragraph where I, uh, conclude my point...
You are pretty,
I think you are pretty because...
In conclusion, you are pretty...
Somewhere in there, as I try to hit my key points, the eyes start to glaze (she got that from Marlys), or the chirren interupt (I think you arMOM CAN I HAVE SOME KOOLAID?) and my point gets lost...
Or I try to get all super fresh funky funky and BAM!!!
I'll be all like, "HEY BABY, I WANNA PLAY THE DRUMS ON YOUR BUTT, THEY SO FINE" and she will be all "WHAT DID YOU SAY, ASSHOLE?!?!" and I will be all like, "uh, you have a nice butt and I was gonna pat on it or something, like they were bongos and stuff" and she will give me a look like, "you think that is a real good idea" or "why do you think I would agree to that?" or "?!?!?!"... and instead of just dropping it I will try to go on and explain my point and how funny it really is, which drops me from being Super Fly funky fresh daddy, to some sort of groveling person of the type that I hate and want to bash their heads in... Damn...
Uhh, and I would create some sort of sculpture, some sort of monument to her beauty but I really am not one that has any of what people call "artistic talent" or something... I can't believe I took art in college... what was I thinking? I know what I was thinking.. I was thinking that there was this hot blond chick that was going to be in the class and I couldn't wait to see her... Damn, she was sooo hot... I wrote poems for her (for real) and I was all like, hey, you wanna read my poem, and she was all like, hey, that doesn't totally suck ass, and I was all like, huh, huh, you get it, huh? and I can't remember what happened then, except she ended up moving in with me and we drank Wild Turkey a few times, and played nintendo, I was soo slick, lured her in with a foot massage and nintendo and WHAM!!!
What? oh, yeah, can't do art pretty...
So I guess that just leaves me with the ability to write run on sentences and repetitive similes...
Perhaps if I bought her some lacy string underwear... What greater show of love and devotion and admiration that lacy string underwear? and a see through top... I don't want to over due it, give her a big head or something, Oh, but some leather pants, too... that'll show her, that will FINALLY prove my love to her... oh, and some of those boots that come up to the knee, with like a high heal, and a zipper... ok, that would do it... might be too much... maybe... and a leather jacket, with tassels... put it all together now...
lacy string undies, leather pants, see through top (wifebeater?), boots, leather jacket with tassels... Aaargghhhhh....
Be right back, time to pet the goat... uhh, I mean, gild the... no, dammit...
I could probably get away with giving her a hug, telling her I love her and letting her take a nap... but you can't really shout that from the mountain top, now can you... "I LOVE YOU, BABY, NOW GO AND TAKE A NAP"... I am probably blowing this all out of proportion... really...
Dude, I got up this morning, like usual you know, and ALL OF A SUDDEN... I was on the bus.
I was sitting there and I suddenly thought, How the hell did I end up here?
Really... I remember being at home, making coffee, etc. etc. and all of a sudden I am on the bus... I swear I am losing my mind... oh, and I noticed, whilst on the bus this morning, over to my left, there was some movement, it was the snaggletooth, sitting all by herself, she looked right at me, SHE HAS A MUSTACHE... and a snaggle tooth, and a keyring with about 200 keys on it (and an Albertsons card) and a pouch and a pooch, and a ponch... this was no ordinary mustache... it was prominent. It looked like the mustache I had in my high school pictures... Oh, and I was going to mention, then I wasn't, then I thought that maybe I already did, but here I go anyhow, that the Sausage, since the day we made eye contact, he has been trying to do it again... but I am not letting him... I am making sure I keep my head/eyes high in elevation than his, so as to still be the alpha male, but I am not allowing him to make contact... he tries, Oh lawdy, does he try... he tracks me as I get up to him, and as I pass, I can see his head turning, he is aiming his lasers at me... I am going to start slapping him as I go by, although... although... what if he digs that, like a bad dog trying or something, any attention is good attention... I think I will mix it up... one day slap him upside his big fat head, the next I will wait till he is walking by and give him a shot to the cock... WHAM! maybe kick him in the thigh, KAPOW!!! Slam him with my backpack... flick boogers at him, for the sake of science, of course... I will first break the toes on his right foot, then the left, then his kneecap, left then right... femur, hip, every other rib, poke his eyes and when he opens his mouth to scream I will split his tongue in half.. when he shuts his mouth I will, quick, crack his nose... then, as he is doubled over in agony I will slap the back of his head, SLAP!!! and, when he finally looks up, beaten, low dog in the pack, I will let him look me in the eyes, and I will shrug my shoulders like, "Hey, Sorry dude... "