a real trooper

Yea!!! 100dredth post...
**

I have a plan, a plan for North Korea, or just Korea... A plan that will allow us to take care of them for once and for all...
See, they are all REALLY hungry, you dig... starving, really, which sucks for them because they LOVE to eat, and this will be their downfall.
See, I also know that they have a serious weekness in that anything CHILI CHEESE related causes them to have explosive diareaha. Not only diareaha, see, but it also causes them to masturbate furiously and continually until all bodily fluids have been depleted. Oh, it also makes them surly...
So, I figure, first off, that we fly over their homes, covertly like, under the guise of a "humanitarian mission", right, and parachute down some chili cheese burritos, some chili cheese fritos, some cans of chili and some cheese and some fritos (make they own damn chili cheese fritos), and, uh, any other iterations and combinations of chili and cheese...
Then we wait, laughing and rubbing our hands together, for about 2 days... then we simply walk in and take over... they will be unable to resist because of all the shatting and jerkin' off they have been doing... What we should do, actually, is go in and shoot any of them that are still whackin', they are the strong ones and we obviously don't want to have to deal with them... it will be grand, you dig, cause they will see us come rollin' in and they will be so busy playing with themselves that they won't be able to grab their rifles (this is my rifle and this is my gun, this ones for shootin' and this ones for fun)...
We can just go in and spray some air fresheners and Lysol around, maybe throw some kitty litter down, then help them get better so they can sweep it all up, clean the poop and jiz up... then just walk away... it will be sweet, they will be so frickin confused, thinking we are going to enslave them or something, but they we walk away, right, and they will be all protesting and shit, complain to the U.N. or something,
"they made us shit ourselves, and jack off, and then clean it up and then they just left"
and we will all just sit there and smile and make little circle motions around our ears and coo-coo sounds and just shrug our shoulders... it will totally fuck with their minds and teach them a lesson...
Sweet...

**
Dude, the bus is so crowded lately, seriously... Yesterday I sat in this one seat and was like 4 inches from the Sausage. I was facing forward, he was facing sideways... I could have reached out and smacked him one, right in the jowls... I almost reached out and touched him, on the hand, it was right there, but then I was afraid he might burst, like one of those people that hemorrhage if they are touched by real life actual other human beings... or he might just pop, like a big friggin balloon and there would be little pink pieces all over the place, what do they call that.. spatter... yes... he had this clipboard and a pen and he was studying this piece of paper, kept staring at it, then he would flip it over and scribble on the back side... AND I SWEAR, I was within a foot of him and could clearly see the scribbles on the paper but couldn't read a single word... actually I thought I saw the word "locker room" somewhere on there, and some numbers here and there, zero's, mostly, but the rest of it was just random squiggles... for a second I thought it was shorthand but I decided it wasn't... I also decided that his job must involve cleaning bathrooms or something, like he is the retarded kid that got hired to clean up after everyone and he is documenting his process on the back of the document that tells him what to do and when... yes, he is that retarded... not the nice kind of retarded where you want to buy cookies or lightbulbs from them, or give them meddles for making it accross the finish line, no, he is the bad kind of retarded, the kind I define as him being a stupid stinky asshole... there, I said it...
but it is really crowded... at least in the morning... I almost, ALMOST, had to sit next to the snaggle tooth this morning, there was an empty seat right next to her, and I swear she looked at me then looked down towards the seat, I don't know if it was a come hither kind of look or if she was trying to figure out if we would both fit (or would she have to move her fanny pack, still with the fanny pack) but I was all like, HELL NO!!! but as it was I had to sit within a foot of her, and right accross from the Sausage, oh, and my buddy Dave (not that one, the other one) was there, but he was sleeping, but if he hadn't been sleeping I was gonna say, Hey Dave, nice shoes.... he was wearing some Puma's... ok, next to the sausage was the redhead chick, the one with the thong problem, she was looking at her phone like she was willing it to ring or something, maybe reading something, and the Sausage was trying to read it too (I could see his lips moving) and he was not cooth or nothing, just staring right at it, then she was trying to put her headphones in her tiny ears and balance her cellphone on her lap, so the Sausage was all staring down at her lap, then he looked at me and was all like licking his lips and I was afraid he was gonna rape the poor girl or me or something... but I think I made a mistake, I made eye contact with him, I try not to do that but I was all like, why is he licking his lips and where is he looking, oh shit he is looking right at me and that is when our eyes locked... I was trying to remember gorillas in the mist, what to do in situations like this, when a big silverback makes eyecontact with you... I couldn't remember if I was supposed to grunt or lower my head but keep the eye contact or what... I broke the gaze and he farted (well, maybe he did or had been the whole time, something stunk, but that could have been the snaggle also... I imagine one of those pictures that explain gravity and stuff and there are rings around the snaggle and the sausage and I was some fantastic hot astroid right between the two of them, but the rings were stink instead of gravity... Oh, Adolpho the criminal element was sitting next to dave, and the dude that runs all the time was next to the snaggle and some stinky old dude was next to me (he had old man brown pants on, reminded me of a high school math teacher)...
Oh, I was not late for the bus at all this week, but last week I was like 3 or 4 times, the bus would be coming up the hill and I would be bustin my ass up the hill and the bus would pull up along side of me and the driver would open the door, still moving, and I would jump on the bus and he would keep rolling and the driver dude is like this old blues guitarist or something, nice old black dude, and when I would jump on the bus he would say something or other, most likely something about leaving the house earlier or something, but it was all, uh, blues guitaristy... like, what do they call it, hambone or something, you know, like wagga wagga flibbin flabban or something, for real, real throaty and slow and drawled out... I gave my patented response of "yeah, huh" with a laugh thrown in... I am diggin him as a driver now, I think we just had to get our timing down and we were all cool...
But in the afternoon we have had this young chick, I don't think she knows what she is doing, she likes to get in the wrong lane or start merging over from the carpool lane too early... you should have seen it the other day, she was just at the top of southcenter hill when she started moving over, and the traffic was stop and go and everyone on the bus was all like, WTF and She better not get off on the wrong exit, and this chick actually asked me if I knew what she was doing, I said no, like really, how the hell would I know... she took the right exit, ok, but then, when she was pulling away from the stop just off the freeway, she all busts over into the far lane instead of the middle turn lane, she has done this every time she drives, then she has to disrupt 2 lanes of traffic cause there ain't no way the bus can make the turn from the inside lane... and she always hittin the breaks and then hittin the gas and the bus is all jerkin like some crazy korean on the chili cheese or something...
I am nice to her when I get off the bus, am all like, hey, thanks, and she smiles at me, I don't want to hurt her self esteem, but she really does suck...