The start of the evil...
I got nothing...
took the kids to get halloween stuff last night. Had to stop at the store first, should have gotten a clue along with the sugar... as we walk into the store they have a little halloween decoration thingy sitting there, I think it was a scarecrow or something... I barely noticed but the girls started tweakin'... I blew it off... we passed some more decorations and it caught their attention for a minute or two, then they noticed there was scary stuff right next to the pretty stuff, and they started tweakin' hard... kept askin me if we were going to pass the scary stuff again or if we had to go out the same door when we left, shit like that... I was all like, no, don't worry, be tough, there is nothing to be scared of... Dammitt... we had to wander through that friggin store like 15 times... I have never made so many laps of the store before... kept having to go clear across from one end to the other... kids were whining, when are we going to the halloween store... you woulda thunk I would have made a connection at this point... nope... so we somehow made it through the self scan checkout without me having to yell too much (heh, the gal didn't even need to check my ID for the beer I bought, she could tell from my tone I was old enough, even if I wasn't she would probably have let me slide)
Dude, so we finally make it out to the car, the girls have their flavored milk treats and I tell them we are gonna stop at this one halloween store before we go to the other... I point it out as we drive by... there it is, I say... they look and START FREAKIN AND CRYING AND SHIT... and I quote "nononononono" and "no, daddy, I don't wanna go in there" and misc other random word type tones... tears and stuff... for real...
I am all like, it will be fine, we will get past the front door and it will be fine... The little viking wants to know if there is scary stuff in there, I said maybe a couple, but I will carry you and you can hide your eyes... more crying and shit... really pitiful...
So I carry one and drag the other... I told the oldest one to close her eyes and I will guide her past the front door... It's all cool, for like .5 seconds... First there is this big blow up things, not really scary, looks like something on a cereal box... but they freak, so we hurry past it... then there is some scary music, and they start telling me about it, when we pass this motion activation scary sound, like howling or insane laughing or something (it is all a blur) and they kick it in to high gear... I swear they would have made a run for the hills if they were not too terrified leave my side... J is hiding her eyes in my neck and has a death grip on me and it yelling at me to "take me out of here"... F is hiding under my coat and wants to leave...
I find the perfect costume for J, exactly what she wanted... I was even willing to pay the $30 for it, and I had them both distracted for the shortest moment... then they hear something and start tweaking... I try to find the costume F is talking about... but there is all this yelling and crying and scary stuff and people staring at me... some of them were laughing like they understood, others were looking at me like I was the worst kind of asshole child abuser... I tried to find the other things I needed but in the end it was not possible...
I put the costume back and got out of the store as quick as possible...
I tried to make it right with them, said things in soothing low tones, but they weren't having it... J starts in with the "I am going to have nightmares tonight" which is step one in her master plan to not have to sleep in her own bed... she is crafty like her old man... I start trying to use logic on them, yes, me... logic... but that weren't working... we went over to party city to see if they have anything that is not too scary... they are already scared of what might be and so we do a drive by so they can look out the window... they take one look (big orange sign with black cats on it and Halloween Central (or some such thing) in big black letters... Hell No, they tell me... but it involved high pitched tones and crying and stuff... All the way home I talk to them about self fulfilling prophecies and visualization techniques so they will not be scared... but it does not good...
The house is dark and I have to walk with them everywhere... I get them ready for bed and read multiple books and make them laugh and stuff... they are happy... I bargain with the little one, I will sit here with you, and hold your hand, until you fall asleep... she wants me to stay a little while after she falls asleep... so I do... she falls asleep and I sit there thinking happy thoughts, trying to stretch and contemplate the middle path and shit... right, so then I get up and kiss F one last time before I head out... Shrieks and crying... YOU SAID YOU WOULD STAY AFTER I FELL ASLEEP, I'M SCARED, DON'T GO, DON'T GO, I WANT MOMMY... Sigh... so I tell her that we had a deal... I am outta here... keep your ass in bed or I will paddle your ass like a canoe... I tell her, I am totally serious here... keep your little butt in bed or else... and crap like that... she is all like ok, real small like... so I leave the room and make it as far as the couch when I hear the door open... Aarrghghg... I run back there and get all growly... WHAT DID I TELL YOU, GET BACK IN BED, YOU AREN'T GOING TO HAVE A NIGHTMARE, NO YOU CAN'T SLEEP IN THE BIG BED, WE CAN'T KEEP GOING THROUGH THIS EVERY NIGHT, YOU GOT YOUR CHOCOLATE IN MY PEANUT BUTTER, MOMMY IS NOT HOME SO STOP ASKING FOR HER... etc., etc., ... and since I promised I turned her around and took a couple swipes at her ass... but you know what... I didn't really hit her any harder than I do when I play the drums on her butt... pumpumpum... but I do it with urgency and parental shreiking... I was a total howler monkey... she acted like it was no big deal and got back in bed... I chilled out and said nice things to her and hugged her and kissed her... she wanted to know if she could sleep with her sister... F was still awake and had no problem with that... she climbed up in the top bunk and they cuddled up and were quiet and stuff... I went to bed...
some indeterminate time later... the bedroom door opens... I figure it is the love monster coming to attack me... turns out it is the little viking and her momma... I am all like, WTF?!?! and the lovely mrs. explains that the little one was in the top bunk and I was all like, YEAH... I put her there... turns out I am a bad father (my words) for doing this as little chirrens could fall down the ladder in the middle of the night when they get up to sneak into the big bed... ahhh... yes, but they were quiet is my contention... You are an ass, was the wifes contention...
Then I went to sleep, then I woke up, then I went to work, then I am going to go bowling...
I want to name our team The Tourettes... this chick on my team says, you mean those things you put hot pans on? WTF??? uhhh... I have no clue what she is talking about...
**UPDATE: She replies back: OH - Tourettes! Not turrets. Temporary malfunction... **
HAHA... I get it... she means Trivet... HAAHA... I think that will end up being out team name...
took the kids to get halloween stuff last night. Had to stop at the store first, should have gotten a clue along with the sugar... as we walk into the store they have a little halloween decoration thingy sitting there, I think it was a scarecrow or something... I barely noticed but the girls started tweakin'... I blew it off... we passed some more decorations and it caught their attention for a minute or two, then they noticed there was scary stuff right next to the pretty stuff, and they started tweakin' hard... kept askin me if we were going to pass the scary stuff again or if we had to go out the same door when we left, shit like that... I was all like, no, don't worry, be tough, there is nothing to be scared of... Dammitt... we had to wander through that friggin store like 15 times... I have never made so many laps of the store before... kept having to go clear across from one end to the other... kids were whining, when are we going to the halloween store... you woulda thunk I would have made a connection at this point... nope... so we somehow made it through the self scan checkout without me having to yell too much (heh, the gal didn't even need to check my ID for the beer I bought, she could tell from my tone I was old enough, even if I wasn't she would probably have let me slide)
Dude, so we finally make it out to the car, the girls have their flavored milk treats and I tell them we are gonna stop at this one halloween store before we go to the other... I point it out as we drive by... there it is, I say... they look and START FREAKIN AND CRYING AND SHIT... and I quote "nononononono" and "no, daddy, I don't wanna go in there" and misc other random word type tones... tears and stuff... for real...
I am all like, it will be fine, we will get past the front door and it will be fine... The little viking wants to know if there is scary stuff in there, I said maybe a couple, but I will carry you and you can hide your eyes... more crying and shit... really pitiful...
So I carry one and drag the other... I told the oldest one to close her eyes and I will guide her past the front door... It's all cool, for like .5 seconds... First there is this big blow up things, not really scary, looks like something on a cereal box... but they freak, so we hurry past it... then there is some scary music, and they start telling me about it, when we pass this motion activation scary sound, like howling or insane laughing or something (it is all a blur) and they kick it in to high gear... I swear they would have made a run for the hills if they were not too terrified leave my side... J is hiding her eyes in my neck and has a death grip on me and it yelling at me to "take me out of here"... F is hiding under my coat and wants to leave...
I find the perfect costume for J, exactly what she wanted... I was even willing to pay the $30 for it, and I had them both distracted for the shortest moment... then they hear something and start tweaking... I try to find the costume F is talking about... but there is all this yelling and crying and scary stuff and people staring at me... some of them were laughing like they understood, others were looking at me like I was the worst kind of asshole child abuser... I tried to find the other things I needed but in the end it was not possible...
I put the costume back and got out of the store as quick as possible...
I tried to make it right with them, said things in soothing low tones, but they weren't having it... J starts in with the "I am going to have nightmares tonight" which is step one in her master plan to not have to sleep in her own bed... she is crafty like her old man... I start trying to use logic on them, yes, me... logic... but that weren't working... we went over to party city to see if they have anything that is not too scary... they are already scared of what might be and so we do a drive by so they can look out the window... they take one look (big orange sign with black cats on it and Halloween Central (or some such thing) in big black letters... Hell No, they tell me... but it involved high pitched tones and crying and stuff... All the way home I talk to them about self fulfilling prophecies and visualization techniques so they will not be scared... but it does not good...
The house is dark and I have to walk with them everywhere... I get them ready for bed and read multiple books and make them laugh and stuff... they are happy... I bargain with the little one, I will sit here with you, and hold your hand, until you fall asleep... she wants me to stay a little while after she falls asleep... so I do... she falls asleep and I sit there thinking happy thoughts, trying to stretch and contemplate the middle path and shit... right, so then I get up and kiss F one last time before I head out... Shrieks and crying... YOU SAID YOU WOULD STAY AFTER I FELL ASLEEP, I'M SCARED, DON'T GO, DON'T GO, I WANT MOMMY... Sigh... so I tell her that we had a deal... I am outta here... keep your ass in bed or I will paddle your ass like a canoe... I tell her, I am totally serious here... keep your little butt in bed or else... and crap like that... she is all like ok, real small like... so I leave the room and make it as far as the couch when I hear the door open... Aarrghghg... I run back there and get all growly... WHAT DID I TELL YOU, GET BACK IN BED, YOU AREN'T GOING TO HAVE A NIGHTMARE, NO YOU CAN'T SLEEP IN THE BIG BED, WE CAN'T KEEP GOING THROUGH THIS EVERY NIGHT, YOU GOT YOUR CHOCOLATE IN MY PEANUT BUTTER, MOMMY IS NOT HOME SO STOP ASKING FOR HER... etc., etc., ... and since I promised I turned her around and took a couple swipes at her ass... but you know what... I didn't really hit her any harder than I do when I play the drums on her butt... pumpumpum... but I do it with urgency and parental shreiking... I was a total howler monkey... she acted like it was no big deal and got back in bed... I chilled out and said nice things to her and hugged her and kissed her... she wanted to know if she could sleep with her sister... F was still awake and had no problem with that... she climbed up in the top bunk and they cuddled up and were quiet and stuff... I went to bed...
some indeterminate time later... the bedroom door opens... I figure it is the love monster coming to attack me... turns out it is the little viking and her momma... I am all like, WTF?!?! and the lovely mrs. explains that the little one was in the top bunk and I was all like, YEAH... I put her there... turns out I am a bad father (my words) for doing this as little chirrens could fall down the ladder in the middle of the night when they get up to sneak into the big bed... ahhh... yes, but they were quiet is my contention... You are an ass, was the wifes contention...
Then I went to sleep, then I woke up, then I went to work, then I am going to go bowling...
I want to name our team The Tourettes... this chick on my team says, you mean those things you put hot pans on? WTF??? uhhh... I have no clue what she is talking about...
**UPDATE: She replies back: OH - Tourettes! Not turrets. Temporary malfunction... **
HAHA... I get it... she means Trivet... HAAHA... I think that will end up being out team name...
Labels: brain cloud, holiday stories, random
posted by Catfish at 11:03 AM
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