Random Acts of Self Love...

1) Had this dream over the weekend, it was strange and I hope I describe it in a way that makes you think I am really cool...
So there were people that I work with all over the place, a big wide open room, right, and there was something about doing laundry and I was trying to get all the whites together for a load and all of a sudden I am in the shower... It was open on all 4 sides, but surrounded by a shower curtain... I could see people milling about outside and pulled back the curtain a couple times to look around... I thought about getting out of the shower but decided I was enjoying it so I stayed in the shower... Then I thought, you know, something is kinda strange about this, something ain't quite right, and I looked around the shower and could see people milling about outside, but for the life I couldn't figure out what it was... everything seemed to be normal, and I looked around the shower and tried to focus, but yeah, no, nothing I could put my finger on...
So, yeah, that was it...

2) Things that are NOT on my Shit list...
a) Nong Shim Bowl Noodle - Kimchi flavor...
b) Poverty Bay Coffee - Best Damn Coffee that I know of...
c) Viso Beverages - YUM and Ooomph all rolled into one. I like the "WILL" version, sugar free, 0 calories, lots of vitamins and my favorite part, 300mg (you read that right) of Caffeine. Jurgaburgawhaaa!!!
d) WWTDD - When I need to know what Britneys bagina is looking like lately, or how big a whore (instert favorite celebrity whore) is, or just generally need to see pictures of Jessica Alba in a bikini, I go here... A big plus is that the dude that does the writing is frigging Funny!!! Second place would be The Superficial... I must say, though, that it bothers me that this pop culture whoopty doo has a place in my life, I mean, really, why do I care???
e) I am really into my wife clothes - not literally, although I wouldn't mind getting in her pants (boom boom cha)... Really though, she got these new pants at Old Navy, they are stretchy jeans or something, and when she puts them on I am all like, Yeah... but then, she has these Dickies pants and when she puts those on I am all like, Yeah... and she wears these sweaters and these shirts and stuff and I am all like WOW... She looks really really good in clothes... which is ironic since I always want to get her out of them... funny that... I am funny...

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I told the person that told me the secret that I had told the secret to someone else... she was secretly thrilled... so it all worked out for the best...

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Uhh, there is a bar in NY, Paris, Beirut, Dubai and Barcelona... This is ok, it is Irony or something and the Buddha would probably just shrug his shoulders or something... maybe suggest that hanging out there is not something that should be done all the time, heck, I am only partially enlightened, I am not sure...
BUT, and I double checked this... There is no Jesus Bar anywhere that I can find... I think I can rightly reckon that if someone tried to name their bar the Jesus Bar there would be some major freaking out... That just ain't right, you can't blasphem the lord in that way (uh, he IS supposed to be a lord or something, isn't he? or just the son of a lord or something?)...
Now, I could go 2 or 3 or 10 different ways on this, act all outraged or something, but you know... well, let me illustrate in a non linear random abstract kinda way:

This dude is Mahasiddha Virupa... Mahasiddha is, well, look HERE... Virupa is the dudes name...
OK, so there is a story, about him, where he had been up in the hills or wherever being all severe and austere and stuff, when he had a vision that he was supposed to give that up and hit the road, so he hit the road... He ended up going to a bar (see the tie-in) where he had a beer, then another, and another... He was drinking so much the barmaid was afraid he would not be able to pay up... He told her not to worry about it and he would pay when the sun came up (or it hit high noon, the story varies)... Of course you can probably guess what happens next... He either reached up or simply pointed at the sun and stopped it in its tracks... He continued drinking for 3 days, at which time the local king came and was all like, Hey, what the hell, and he paid the bar tab for his holiness and returned the world to normal... true story, yo...
This dude is also the main man in the Sakya tradition... they consider themselves to be the main holders of his teachings... and everyone knows the Sakyas ROCK!!!
So drinking has been known to lead to spiritual enlightenment... but there are many paths... etc. etc...

The start of the evil...

I got nothing...
took the kids to get halloween stuff last night. Had to stop at the store first, should have gotten a clue along with the sugar... as we walk into the store they have a little halloween decoration thingy sitting there, I think it was a scarecrow or something... I barely noticed but the girls started tweakin'... I blew it off... we passed some more decorations and it caught their attention for a minute or two, then they noticed there was scary stuff right next to the pretty stuff, and they started tweakin' hard... kept askin me if we were going to pass the scary stuff again or if we had to go out the same door when we left, shit like that... I was all like, no, don't worry, be tough, there is nothing to be scared of... Dammitt... we had to wander through that friggin store like 15 times... I have never made so many laps of the store before... kept having to go clear across from one end to the other... kids were whining, when are we going to the halloween store... you woulda thunk I would have made a connection at this point... nope... so we somehow made it through the self scan checkout without me having to yell too much (heh, the gal didn't even need to check my ID for the beer I bought, she could tell from my tone I was old enough, even if I wasn't she would probably have let me slide)
Dude, so we finally make it out to the car, the girls have their flavored milk treats and I tell them we are gonna stop at this one halloween store before we go to the other... I point it out as we drive by... there it is, I say... they look and START FREAKIN AND CRYING AND SHIT... and I quote "nononononono" and "no, daddy, I don't wanna go in there" and misc other random word type tones... tears and stuff... for real...
I am all like, it will be fine, we will get past the front door and it will be fine... The little viking wants to know if there is scary stuff in there, I said maybe a couple, but I will carry you and you can hide your eyes... more crying and shit... really pitiful...
So I carry one and drag the other... I told the oldest one to close her eyes and I will guide her past the front door... It's all cool, for like .5 seconds... First there is this big blow up things, not really scary, looks like something on a cereal box... but they freak, so we hurry past it... then there is some scary music, and they start telling me about it, when we pass this motion activation scary sound, like howling or insane laughing or something (it is all a blur) and they kick it in to high gear... I swear they would have made a run for the hills if they were not too terrified leave my side... J is hiding her eyes in my neck and has a death grip on me and it yelling at me to "take me out of here"... F is hiding under my coat and wants to leave...
I find the perfect costume for J, exactly what she wanted... I was even willing to pay the $30 for it, and I had them both distracted for the shortest moment... then they hear something and start tweaking... I try to find the costume F is talking about... but there is all this yelling and crying and scary stuff and people staring at me... some of them were laughing like they understood, others were looking at me like I was the worst kind of asshole child abuser... I tried to find the other things I needed but in the end it was not possible...
I put the costume back and got out of the store as quick as possible...
I tried to make it right with them, said things in soothing low tones, but they weren't having it... J starts in with the "I am going to have nightmares tonight" which is step one in her master plan to not have to sleep in her own bed... she is crafty like her old man... I start trying to use logic on them, yes, me... logic... but that weren't working... we went over to party city to see if they have anything that is not too scary... they are already scared of what might be and so we do a drive by so they can look out the window... they take one look (big orange sign with black cats on it and Halloween Central (or some such thing) in big black letters... Hell No, they tell me... but it involved high pitched tones and crying and stuff... All the way home I talk to them about self fulfilling prophecies and visualization techniques so they will not be scared... but it does not good...
The house is dark and I have to walk with them everywhere... I get them ready for bed and read multiple books and make them laugh and stuff... they are happy... I bargain with the little one, I will sit here with you, and hold your hand, until you fall asleep... she wants me to stay a little while after she falls asleep... so I do... she falls asleep and I sit there thinking happy thoughts, trying to stretch and contemplate the middle path and shit... right, so then I get up and kiss F one last time before I head out... Shrieks and crying... YOU SAID YOU WOULD STAY AFTER I FELL ASLEEP, I'M SCARED, DON'T GO, DON'T GO, I WANT MOMMY... Sigh... so I tell her that we had a deal... I am outta here... keep your ass in bed or I will paddle your ass like a canoe... I tell her, I am totally serious here... keep your little butt in bed or else... and crap like that... she is all like ok, real small like... so I leave the room and make it as far as the couch when I hear the door open... Aarrghghg... I run back there and get all growly... WHAT DID I TELL YOU, GET BACK IN BED, YOU AREN'T GOING TO HAVE A NIGHTMARE, NO YOU CAN'T SLEEP IN THE BIG BED, WE CAN'T KEEP GOING THROUGH THIS EVERY NIGHT, YOU GOT YOUR CHOCOLATE IN MY PEANUT BUTTER, MOMMY IS NOT HOME SO STOP ASKING FOR HER... etc., etc., ... and since I promised I turned her around and took a couple swipes at her ass... but you know what... I didn't really hit her any harder than I do when I play the drums on her butt... pumpumpum... but I do it with urgency and parental shreiking... I was a total howler monkey... she acted like it was no big deal and got back in bed... I chilled out and said nice things to her and hugged her and kissed her... she wanted to know if she could sleep with her sister... F was still awake and had no problem with that... she climbed up in the top bunk and they cuddled up and were quiet and stuff... I went to bed...
some indeterminate time later... the bedroom door opens... I figure it is the love monster coming to attack me... turns out it is the little viking and her momma... I am all like, WTF?!?! and the lovely mrs. explains that the little one was in the top bunk and I was all like, YEAH... I put her there... turns out I am a bad father (my words) for doing this as little chirrens could fall down the ladder in the middle of the night when they get up to sneak into the big bed... ahhh... yes, but they were quiet is my contention... You are an ass, was the wifes contention...
Then I went to sleep, then I woke up, then I went to work, then I am going to go bowling...
I want to name our team The Tourettes... this chick on my team says, you mean those things you put hot pans on? WTF??? uhhh... I have no clue what she is talking about...
**UPDATE: She replies back: OH - Tourettes! Not turrets. Temporary malfunction... **
HAHA... I get it... she means Trivet... HAAHA... I think that will end up being out team name...

a spy in the house of love...

Dude,
so we moved up to the 3rd floor. The nosebleeds have stopped and I no longer feel lightheaded all the time. I made a remark to someone, in response to her asking me what I was doing on the 3rd floor, and don't I belong on the 3rd floor, something to the affect of moving on up and being "elite" now. Did this mostly for the benefit of an original 3rd floor person. Dude, he looked totally tweaked after I said that. kept his eyes down low and ran away. I was going to chase him down and say something to him, like, dude, whats up? It's ok... Now I feel sorry for him... somehow me rising to elite status and him already being elite and now just the same as the rest of us, well, you know, he probably has esteem issues, or his predjudice is all confused cause he hated us, but now we are him, now he hates us but then he hates himself, but how can this be and he is not one of us... stuff like that... I wanted to hug him, tell him it was going to be ok.. but then I started thinking about him crying and shit, getting his teardrops on my shirt and me having to stand there and pat pat pat him on the back like I care but really I am just waiting for him to stop so I can stop and be a man again... damn... so I just let him run off... I could probably find him if I listened for the sobbing coming from under a desk somewhere, or perhaps find them sitting in a meeting somewhere talking about what are they going to do now that we have invaded... like ants we are... swarming all over the place, harmless, for the most part, but really a nusuiance (screw spelling)...
But, man, on the 3 floor, there are like 3 extra flights of stairs to get up here, which in the morning is no big deal, my legs kinda hurt when I get to the top for some reason, but I get there... but damn, going down at the end of the day is a trip... See, I go down, then I turn to the left, then go down and turn to the left and go down and turn to the left and rinse and repeat a couple more times... by the time I get to the bottom and I give it a little squeeze, what.. oh, I mean, I get to the bottom, well, before the bottom, after 2 turns I am all confused like, where the hell am I, then I make a couple more turns and I am at WTF then one more turn and I am at the bottom, then I pat it... no, then I am at the bottom and I am all like, damn, thats fucked up... shouldn't have to make that many turns or something... it always seems like too far, but there I am... Now I get to open the door and I have NO idea what it is like outside... I haven't see "outside" all day... no matter what it is like it is weird... if it is hot out I am all like damn it is hot, and bright... If it is cold out I am all like, damn, it is cold, whats up with that... and if it is just right I am all like, huh, strange... but it is always too big... there is no 18 ft. ceiling, no gentle cubicle walls holding me in, no difuse bland colors to keep me from getting too worked up... life outside the cacoon is spooky and intimidating...
I sat next to the convict today... I don't know if he was more scared of someone thinking he was a homo for sitting next to me, or if I was more scared he was going to make me get off the bus with him so he could rape me... we sat in silence... right in front of us sat this kid, he looks fucked up.. his hair is all thin and he is pasty like he has aids or is a major tweaker... he looks wasted, washed up and used... next to him sat the chick that needed to have her thong adjusted the other day... she has an unfortunate chin, like not much of a chin at all, besides being a redhead this is her biggest flaw... oh, that and the whore brand across the bottom of her back... and being this close (fingers this far apart) to being a midgit (to hell with spelling)... so overall she sucks... except that she has boobs and is kinda cute somewhere in there... so the convict next to me, I was thinking that this is probably the first woman he has seen since he got out of the slammer and he is probably wondering how to get it on with her... or how to attack her as he gets off the bus... he is viscious... He is the kind of guy you don't want to have introduced to you as your current loves ex... Something about dirty hands or something... I don't know... I will leave it... but, damn, the bus is crowded these days... I watch everyone sleep... I wait for my chance to pull the driver from his seat after he has a heart attack and drive the bus to safety... like on speed... and Sandra Bullock will be my girlfriend in real life and we will spend her money cause I got none, but it will be no big deal cause we have this understanding that it ain't about the money and what's mine is hers and whats hers is mine and we will joke about keanu reeves and about how Jason Lee should have played Neo in the Matrix... and how Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy would have been SOO much better if Terry Gilliam had directed it, then we will have an akward silence over our wine (red for her, I like white) because we seem to agree about everything... Heh, then Jonathan Richman will break up the silence with a song about how dificult it is when it is so easy and we will smile...

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For the record... Gloryhole = 1 hit...
Scat is far more popular... hmmnn...