Everything counts in large amounts...

Reality is like an anchor hooked in my back... I feel like there is this rope around my chest and I an dragging this big friggin' anchor behind me, you dig, and periodically I get a little slack and can think freely, then the hook digs in and I start spinning around and the little slack I had is smashed to pieces... just when I think I have a handle on it, a firm grasp, so to speak, I find that I am being too tight or focused... so when these little hiccups occur I just get all funky... what am I saying? Hell if I know... just need to shake it off a bit... let my ya-yas out...

***
Lets see...
So xmas is coming and I am starting to get "the fear"...
The fear seems to break down into many different aspects, usually starting out with the feeling that time is slipping away and I have no idea what to do about it... Part of it is that I want to get something nice, but not spend too much money for it, but something that will be appreciated and useful... you dig... that is what xmas is all about, charlie brown...
Mostly I want to get my old lady something special that would get me a pat on the ass... an atta boy... you dig... but then she says she already got her present, and I say the same thing, but that won't stop nothing, eh... and I know that if xmas day came and I didn't have shit to open I would sit there smiling and happy that everyone else was getting shit, but inside I would be all like, you fuckers!!!
And if I took my lovely brides word for it I would find myself on xmas morning with like 50 presents and I would be all like, hey, we said we weren't... or just sit there feeling stupid and like I let her down again... So it is time to tuck my balls in and get down to business...
If anyone has any suggestions this would be a good time to come forward with them... money is no object... as long as you realize that I ain't no millionaire, although I AM a thousandaire (HAHAH damn, were the hell does this shit come from)...

***
I went to the store this weekend, Saturday in fact... and I was walking around, shopping, you know, and I noticed this older dude, gentleman I guess. He was Arab or egyptian or something, but that doesn't really matter, what mattered was his FABULOUS mustache. It was amazing. It was not like some sort of funky kinda design or style or something. It was just a classic mustache, but it was thick and luxurious. It was dark but had some grey streaks running through it. It was fully impressive for some reason, I was all like, wow... So then I saw his son, maybe 12 or 13 or so, and he had the start of a nice mustache on him too... It was cute, skinny little young dude with a dark black strip across his lip. You could tell it would be fabulous also. I was all like, hey, cool, you know...
So I shopped around some more, had to do a couple loops around the store cause I always forget to grab something and by the time I remember I am clear at the other end of the store. Anyhow, I circled around through the Pharmacy, and was passing the meat and cheese and I ran into the dude again, and his son was following, they were just turning the corner towards me, then... and then... there were his daughters... tall and skinny, probably around 13 or 14, I don't know... there were 2 of them though, dark hair, kinda mysterious... then I noticed, HOLY SHIT... they BOTH HAD MUSTACHES ALSO!!!
For real dude, they had these dark mustaches running across their lips... at least as dark and thick as their brothers... I was all like, WTF!!! I was torn, I was thinking, goddamn, they gots to know they are there, unless they don't have mirrors or something, and even if they didn't have mirrors they would still know because every time they put something in their mouth or blew their noses or did whatever other facial functions they would feel it...
On the one hand, it was amazing that this dudes mustache genes crossed over to his whole family, but damn dude, just because you got a rockin' one doesn't mean you should be walking around with pride at your DAUGHTERS mustache... Now I don't know if their momma has a mustache too, or if they don't have a momma and it is just kinda normal in their house that everyone has a mustache... but you would figure that someone would do something about this... I know if my girls were walking around with mustaches I would mention to them that perhaps they should do something about them... like get rid of them...
Oh, that reminds me... for some reason I was sitting on the couch with the girls and they were talking about me shaving or something, and they mentioned something about how girls can shave their legs, and I agreed, told them that yes indeed, girls can shave their legs, then they said something about shaving their faces and how they didn't need to and I was all like, yeah, you probably won't need to, then they said that girls don't need to shave their puddins' and they were all like, yeah, you don't do that or you will get a urinary tract infection... and I was all like, uhhh... and I was all like, hey, some girls shave their puddins', its all cool... I said, some girls shave their legs and their puddins and their armpits and their butts, or something, you know, tried to kinda generalize the whole thing... didn't want to give them some sort of complex or start them out trying to shave theyselves now or something, just conversing... and I was thinking, damn, what kind of conversations do parents have with their kids when it comes to puddins' and shaving and stuff? Like, is there a time when someone is supposed to teach them how to shave their legs? or pits? you know... or will it just come to a time where I started yelling because someones been using my razor and now it is all dull and what the hell is going on?
They I was thinking, you know, I don't really want to know... I would probably give some bad advice or something, you know... in fact, I think I will stop there... Oh, unless they have mustaches, then I will get involved and suggest they do something... not sure what... I guess I should start doing some research on the interweb for female shaving/hair removal techniques...
Uh, oh, I had this dream last night, where I was in this touristy place that had been shut down for the season or something... It was abandoned, one way or another, and I was with these 3 other dudes and we were hiding or something... and we were hiding because 1 of the dudes and done something really bad, and one of the other dudes had done something bad but not as bad... and I was innocent and shit... anyway, we were hiding but not really because the authorities were aware of where we were, and we could move around from place to place a bit but we couldn't leave... its complicated... so we ended up going here and there, kinda random, and I remember the dude that was real bad was laying down this trip about how it wasn't so bad if you had the right attitude and I was trying to agree but realized you would need to have a real fucked up attitude if you wanted to see things that way...
I thought about leaving but one of the cops or whatever said that if I left they would catch me and I would go to jail for a long time, and I said, hey, I didn't do anything, and they said I was guilty by association... So I was pretty much screwed... so somehow I remember trying to figure our how to sneak away, but the cops had these sensors and they could see me in the dark and stuff... So I ended up going into this big old house and there were people in the back yard and I hung with them for a while and then I snuck back into the house and was wandering around with some dude and we found some liquor in the cupboards... and we filled some tiny little glasses and drank them and it was like Ouzo and then the dude I was with started whispering that there was someone coming so we hid the booze... and then something happened, and I was crawling out the window and through some bushes but I noticed that I was not all that sneaky and there was a car on the street with dark windows, and some dude up on the hill with a high powered rifle and then they caught the bad dude and I knew that I was not safe, that they would come looking for me and I was sad because, you know, I hadn't done anything and I was screwed, so I just hid the in bushes and went to sleep... that was about it... Fancy huh...

***

older than I've ever been

Do you ever wake up, like 20 minutes before your alarm goes off and feel like you are full of energy but, hell, you got 20 minutes left, so you decide to just doze a bit, then the alarm goes off in what seems like an instant and you are WAY HELLA TIRED and SHIT? I do this all the friggin time...
Partly because I know the clock is set a bit fast and getting up at that point would put me at something like 3:30 in the effin AM, which ain't right... back in the day... ahh, back in the day...
Oh, and having that extra 20 minutes of awake time in the morning means I have an extra 20 minutes of nothing to do but be quiet and watch infomercials for girls gone wild or something... Or DUDE, MTV at that time completely sucks ass (not like the other times of the day that MTV sucks ass)... I mean, if I had to wake up and deal with crap like that everyday I would probably go someplace and shoot people randomly... Worse than a japanese epilepsy cartoon... I don't understand this shit, and I will leave it at that...
Why waste my time, it ain't like trying to learn hiroglyphics or latin or how to read the Aztec Calendar or something, you know, meaningful shit... I just don't have the patience anymore to try and figure out why all the kids are wearing whatever or carrying huge friggin swords and shit around with baggy pants...
Now, dammit, I am not trying to sound like some crotchety old timey guy or anything, I just don't really care, you know, all I know is that lately I am seeing a bunch of people that I would not have gotten along with when I was their age and would have probably actively mocked them... and I don't want to be all touchy feely and try and figure them out... When the time comes and my girls are walking around wearing silver jumpsuits and listening to Kraftwerk because they are sooo retro I will try and maybe figure it out... I can be hip, and hang out with them and their teenage girlfriends, in the garage, drinking beers (don't tell your mom) and trying to force them to listen to some zeppelin or Black Sabbath and they all smile until they think I'm not looking then they roll their eyes but they stick around cause I am giving them beer and can sometimes be cool...
So yeah, having that extra 20 minutes wouldn't be helpful...
Anyway, click some links below... I haven't the patience to be more random at the moment...

Useful link day:
Uncle Mark Gift Guide and Almanac
Bug Me Not
Also see the link for Retail Me Not for a killer database of discounts and such
Heh, cats are funny
Acronyms in Pictures or for realz here

completely random, you may want to skip this one, you've been warned

Once upon a time,
There was this cat named Flinky that liked to lick itself...

I have taken to stating the obvious and I do not know if it is just to hear myself talk or if the insanity is starting and I am trying to define my world by, uh, saying things...
Like, for example, my wife will be doing something, like cooking bacon, right, and I will walk up there next to her and say: making bacon... but it is not really a question cause I can see that she is making bacon, and I figure that she knows already that she is making bacon and doesn't need me reminding her...
Or I will be outside and getting wet and say something like: It's raining.
Or my wife will be in bed at night, with the light off, and it is dark and quiet, and I will say something like: are you going to bed...
What the fuck, you know, I mean, really... it is kind of fun, sometimes, kind of campy or carny or something, but mostly it is insane... and my wife is a saint, but I don't know how long she can pretend that there is not something wrong with me and decide to smother me in my sleep, for my own good, you know (as I have instructed her to do...)... but I don't think I am ready for that...
Baby, don't smother me yet... I can still kick it for a while... wait until I start dribbling in my pants and stuff... a lot though, not just a little bit... like, wait for a constant trickle... then you can smother me...
Dude, so, yeah, especially when I dribble in my pants and I look down and say "I dribbled in my pants", unless I am wearing dark pants, or have just been swimming, that doesn't count...
I was going to say that I would be ready to go when I start babbling, but that would have gotten me killed a long time ago...
I remember when I first spoke with my wife, she was working in the bookstore at HCC, right, and this dude I know had told me her name and that she was going to be going to TESC also, so I went up to the bookstore, and she was all hot and stuff, and I circled around looking at things, and I think I may have actually bought some gum or a pen or something... So I got up to the register where she was and I was all like "hey" and stuff... and I remember this, I was barefoot and I had my baseball cap on backwards, and I had written LONO on the bill, and I may have been wearing my flannel, not sure... anyway, I go up and say Hey to her and she was all like, what do you want, dork, and I was all like, babble, babble, babble... and shit... and I remember fully how gorgeous she was and how I was not worthy and shit, but you know what? I kept at it...
I had a couple classes with her, and chatted about transferring colleges, I didn't have anything to lose, and I don't remember if I ever mentioned it here before, but in Astronomy, I used to sit with this friend of mine, you dig, and we would watch this angel come walking into class every day, and one day he said something and I said "watch it, dude, you are talking about my future wife, there"...
True story...
Uhh, where was I... babbling... oh, yeah, so I waited all summer for her because she was fancy and my life was not fancy, right, so I was hiding from my girlfriend at the time when I hear this voice calling to me, I was all like, duh, and I looked up and saw her leaning out her window, and she invited me up for a beer and she was wearing these little shorts and I was staring at her, and we started hanging out and I remember that we had some very real conversations, arguments, and we figured shit out, but I somehow think that much of what I was doing was just random babbling but I was doing it with such magic or sorcery or something that I had her mesmerized... fascinated her, like a train wreck or something, she had to see what I would do next... she said once that it was because I cared... and I did and still do...
See... that's the kind of stuff that would get me killed without specific instruction...
I hope it goes down that one day I go out to get the paper or something, and then disappear and they find me a couple days later with my a big wet spot in my pants and screaming at people walking down the street about very obvious things and they take me home, right, the cops, that is, and they take me home and knock on the door and ask my wife if I belong to her and she kinda thinks about it for a minute then finally admits that I do and they kinda look at each other and back to her and kinda unspoken like come to the conclusion that she is much to fine (still) to be stuck with me in this sorta state so they let just take me out back and shoot me... ooohhh... harsh... uhh...
Ok, but I don't die and I end up in the hospital and am a drain on society and my last lucid thought is for some jello or puddin' or something, and I eat it and fall asleep and uhh... she smothers me... but in a good way.. happy happy

Cleaning up...

It was still raining out, down down down fell the rain.
She stood in the rain outside the shop where the gypsy was, looking for her car. She was always losing her car, she always blamed it on the idiots that design parking lots like this. It was never her fault, although it WAS always her fault. The lot really only held about 20 cars tops, and it was only half full, and there was only 1 baby blue car in the lot, and she was standing right in front of it, but for some fucking reason, she could just not see it. Oh, she found it after a while, but damn...
She dug in her pocket for her keys, front right, where she normally kept them. Not there. She checked her other pockets:
Right front, nothing.
Right rear: a napkin and a straw.
Left rear: another straw and some sugar packets (they were rapidly getting damp from the crap in her pants, really soaking it up, although she would not realize this and later she would take them out of her pocket when she went to wash her pants, leave them laying around until they eventually got dry again, and then use them when she ran out of sugar for her rice krispies one day)
So, no keys, what the fuck. She went to her car and looked in the window. Yep, there they were, right there in the ignition. Damn!
She stood there getting wetter and wetter. White shirt turned transparent, and apparently, whatever it was that she had stuffed her bra with was VERY absorbent and being absorbent like this, it was absorbing all the water coming down on her. And getting heavy. And big. The weight was forcing her "boobs" down down down. She looked at her boobs pointing south and thought to herself "everything is always on the way down" and she thought of this phrase, which she really didn't understand, but wanted to apply to the situation, "everything that rises must converge". Yes, she thought to herself, it must converge. She felt very deep at that moment, although she was completely wrong, the phrase had nothing to do with her current situation, she was using it completely wrong. Stupid.
She thought about what to do, thought long and hard... She thought to herself that most people would get completely pissed in this situation and do something angry, maybe she should try that. So she banged on the roof of her car. Then she hit her window. Then she shook the car. Then she yanked on the door handle, and the door opened. Oh, she thought, how funny, and she got on in.
She started up the car and cranked the heat up. It had already been steamy in there, but now it got really steamy and smelly. Like a tropical dung heap or something. Steam was rising from her jeans, she itched between her toes (she had an itch, she didn't reach down and itch) and whatever it was she had stuffed her bra with began to rapidly dry (what the hell was that stuff)... She wiped a small hole in the fog on her windshield and went home.
Finally home, she drug herself inside. What a day. She tried to be friendly with her neighbor but she was really old and said mean things and held her nose and made the evil eye at her. This was pretty normal.
She got to her door, unlocked it, and cracked the door, just a little bit. Everytime she came home her cat tried to escape. She was an indoor cat, she told herself all the time, and would never survive in the outside world. Actually the cat would do just fine, she just wanted to escape and find a nice family to settle in with, oh well.
So she cracked her door open, and pushed the cat back with her foot. The cat scratched and hissed and did its damnedest to get out, but was kinda overwhelmed by the stench and ended up backing away.
She got in, closed the door and sighed. It was still early in the day, but she felt the day was done.
She went in and started peeling off her wet clothes. Starting with her shoes. She sat on the couch and had to work at them, the laces were wet and all knotted up, she squirmed and squirmed, staining her couch in the process. No big deal, when she discovered it she would just flip the cushion over, and find an even bigger stain on the other side, so she would flip it back over again and think about getting a new couch.
She got her shoes off, and started peeling off the rest of her clothes. Shirt came off just fine and she threw it into the washing machine. She pulled her bra off and threw that in too. Whatever it was that she had stuffed her bra with was completely dry now, and stuck to her skin, a few inches below her tiny little titties, like some sort of papier mache (say it, Pah-pee-eh Mah-shay). She pulled at it and a couple layers came off, but the base layer was stuck tight to her skin, like a patch. Hhhmnnn...
The peeled off her pants and took everything out of her pocket. 2 straws (check), a napkin (check), some sugar packets (check), and layed them on the dryer. Threw her pants in the wash. She pulled off her panties. They were kinda stuck to her, and by kinda stuck I mean that she was able to pull down from the sides and they turned inside out, but the crotch stuck to her. She had to bend her legs out to the sides a bit and pull at the same time. It sounded like someone pulling a boot out of the mud and they came unstuck from her. They were, of course, full of poo. But at least it was a solid mass and little bits didn't fall on the floor. She threw her panties in the wash. She threw some detergent in (Baby soft detergent, which really doesn't clean worth a shit) and started the washer on up. Unfortunately (as she would find out in a few days) she left the lid open and the water level was on low, so all that happened was the water came up to barely cover the clothes and then just sat there, getting all soupy. Chunky even. And even after she found this out and washed them for real the next time, the damage was done, her favorite pants in the world forever had a funny smell to them (funny to her) and were kinda crisp and rough.
She had to walk all funny to the bathroom, she was all itchy and pooey and stuff. She took a good long look at herself in the mirror. She was kind to herself, but she remembered how good she looked after the spa treatment in heaven and thought that maybe, just maybe, she should try to clean herself up a bit (well, besides getting the poo off and trying to get the "whatever it is she stuffed her bra with" stuff that was stuck to her off. She started up the water to fill the tub and watched over her shoulder, the cat would normally come running to attack her when she did this (cat would come up and launch itself, claws a blazing, at her ass, trying to find the fish, yo)... Sure enough, the cat came running, really tearing it up, launched herself into the air, looking like some sort of furry missile, eyes full of fire and claws glinting in the light. Then it got a confused look on its face (in mid-air). Claws disappeared, body started twisting, eyes frantic with fear and/or disgust. The momentum was too great and it had twisted just enough to that it smacked sideways into her dirty ass. She landed and ran away. She would never be the same, couldn't bring herself to lick herself clean (gross) and even after trying to rub the crap off every available corner in the apartment, there was still come left, which was left to dry and cake up and stink forever more. Stupid cat.
She got into the tub while it was still filling and layed on back. Let the water do the work she thought to herself. she sat back and closed her eyes as the tub got fuller and fuller.
Good news: The "whatever it was that she had stuffed her bra with stuff" absorbed the moisture and came loose from her skin, actually floated away.
Bad news: Other things also came loose from her skin (poo) and floated to the top.
She didn't open her eyes for a good long time, turned the water off with her foot. When she DID finally open her eyes she could see shit (literally) floating in the water around her (pieces of undigested lettuce, some noodles, other plain old brown pieces). She was like an island and the shit was like so much flotsam and jetsam (not the band, although they do suck ass) washing up on the shores of her skin. She let it, for a while. But the water was kinda, well, not so clear, kinda grey and dirty, so she finally did the right thing, and got on up and let the water out. She stood there watching the water spiral on down the drain, slowly, very slowly. The drain was getting clogged with shit. She had to reach down and keep pulling shit away from the drain so the water would go down. In the end she was left with, well, shit, littering the tub. Chunks were still stuck to the drain, and as she stood there, more was falling off of her. Damn!
So she started up she shower and tried to wash it all down, out of the tub. This didn't work so she eventually had to turn off the water and wipe it out with some toilet paper and throw it in the toilet.
She got back into the tub and started the shower back up. She grabbed some soap and a loofah and started scrubbing, she was like a woman possessed all of a sudden. She scrubbed her ass until it shined (shine on you crazy diamond). She scrubbed her beaver till all the klingons were gone. Top to bottom she scrubbed herself clean. She grabbed the rust shaving device she had sitting there, soaped up her pits and shaved them clean. Perfect and smooth, didn't cut herself or nothing.
This was about where her attention to detail stopped.
She soaped up her legs (and her toes, hey, no big deal, people get hair on their toes) and started scraping. Shaved her toes, then up one calf and then the other. Toes ended up hair free, one calf was relatively hair free, somehow she completely missed the very front of both shins so there was a stripe of hair running down them, top to bottom, missed her actual knee caps (got above and below, and around most of one of them, but the other still had a patch of long hair just sitting there. DUDE, she completely skipped her thighs. what the fuck! Wouldn't really be a big deal, as far as most people are concerned, but she hadn't done any maintenance in so long they were actually pretty hairy, in a bad way. Very bad.
she remembered how clean she had looked "down there" after the angels had gotten done with her, so thought she would give it a go. It took her a while to figure out the logistics, but eventually got all soaped up and in such a position as would allow her to reach, She started WAY on back around the taint (look it up) and started scraping. She was careful, but damn there was a lot of hair "down there". She had to make multiple passes. She got over there... and over there on that one spot. Up either side of her flinky, right down the middle of the flink, got nice and smooth all deep down there. Mostly.
She was just left with a savanna there right on top, like a tropical rainforest (I think I mentioned, not really like a savanna)... She took a moment to visualize the art she wanted to create. She got all soaped up and dug on in. Started on the left, right in the hip socket, and started shaving, slowly working her way towards the middle, visualizing an imaginary line running from her belly button down (although she didn't really need to use her imagination as she had a happy trail running from her belly button on down, which she would neglect to do anything about). But instead she used her imagination. She got a nice straight line on the left then started in on the right, same as the left, in the hip socket. She was like Michael Jordan or something, tongue hanging out, concentration on her face, sweat on her brow... total focus. Scrape, rinse, scrape, rinse, repeat... Slowly a nice landing patch was taking shape (should have gone with a dainty triangle, but hey, that's just my preference) and eventually she had it all ship shape. A nice patch of hair, completely vertical, perfect (although the hair that was left was itself at least two inches long and could probably be formed into a mohawk). And just in time too, the hot water was running out. She took one last moment to rinse herself off and turned off the water. There were pubes ALL OVER the tub. Clogging the drain, again, but she just left it.
She got out and dried herself off, enjoying the feeling of the air reaching places it normally didn't. Cool and breezy. Ahh, soft... she wished she had someone to show, someone that might appreciate it...
She patted herself a couple extra times, you know, just to make sure she was completely dry, and decided to take a look at herself in the mirror. She didn't notice the happy train coming down from her bellybutton, or the hair on her thighs. Didn't notice the line of hair going down the front of her shins. All she noticed was were there used to be a forest was down an almost completely denuded landscape... Something didn't look right though. She marked it up to just the shock of seeing her bare skin for the first time since she was a little girl, although I know what the problem is.. It's plain as day...
She did a fantastic job, and really I am proud of her, but she is off center. Instead of having a nice strip straight down the center, she is off to the right a bit. Dead center is about a fingers width off to the left. Sure, it was completely vertical, crisp precise lines (although, really girl, trim it down) but the symmetry was all off. Made it look like she was lopsided or something...

More Damn Story

OK, Goddamnit...
She went to the gypsy that morning because she had had a dream. In her dream there had been a gypsy. A classic kinda gypsy, with the colorful head scarves and a tambourine. The gypsy had been dancing and shaking her tambourine and making all sorts of racket, and while she was dancing and making a racket she had been singing a song. The song was haunting, reminded her of a birthday song her crazy aunt used to sing to her when she was little. Something about roses being worth more dead than alive, probably something about thorns, and blood... Happy Birthday, yo!!!
She woke up to her cat attacking her, maybe not so much attacking as much as trying to dig through the blanket to get to the fish she could smell hidden beneath... Stupid cat clawed and clawed, sharp pointies sticking through the blanket and the sheet and straight into her thighs.
She went to slap at the cat but the cat wasn't having any of that, she could smell blood now, so she hissed in the way that cats have a habit of doing. So she used her pillow, all balled up, to WHOMP the cat off the bed and into the corner... Lucky for her the cat was dazed from the shot. That was the extent of her luck for the day.
She took a shower, but really didn't do any of what most people would call "hygiene". She just kinda stood there and randomly turned in the water. Water ran here and there, kinda, but didn't really make it into the crevices that really needed it. Her bush overflowed, like a rainforrest... and like a rainforrest most of the rain was deflected by the outter strata, never really making it to the forrest floor, well, maybe it was a little damp, but not a cleansing rain, you dig... End result was that it was damp and humid and ripe for the intrigue of rot... Stank, you dig...
Pat pat pat went the towel when she got out of the shower, pat pat pat.
She had meant to think about her dream when she got in the shower, but all she really did was breath, and breathing precludes thinking... But she remembered now, a little something something, about a gypsy. She wondered where she could find a gypsy so she could ask her what it all meant.
She went about her day. She got dressed, stuffed her bra, scratched her thighs (she had little red holes where the cats claws had been, and pimples, on her thighs).
She ate some spinach dip on an english muffin.
She checked her AOL account.
She cleaned out the litter box, but the scooped crap into a plastic bag and put the bag by the door, with the other bags of poop by the door that she would try to remember to take down later, but wouldn't...
She went out on her porch and saw into the neighbors back yard. The neighbor was burning leaves and tires and misc other stuff and a thick cloud of black noxious smoke was rising from the pile.
She smacked her lips and decided to go to Starbucks for coffee (see, see, nasty thick noxious burn smell reminded her of Starbucks)...
She got in her car and drove on down the road, down down down the road. She went to the Starbucks and got some crappy coffee, yummm. She went outside to drink her coffee cause everyone was looking at her funny. Next to Starbucks there was a movie store, next to the movie store was the gypsy store.
Ahhh...
She picked a bad time to go walking into the Gypsies shop. The gypsy was not in the mood for any crap today.
1) Did I mention that she was a redhead and thus CRAZY
2) She was a gypsy, duh
3) She had hooked up at the lesbian bar last night, with another redhead, and sparks had flown (flewn? flied?)
4) She bruised easily and her nipples were sore and ringed with dark bruises from #3 (but it hurt in a good way, you know, like, YEAH!!)
5) Business was bad, people just didn't believe in gypsies any more and she could feel herself fading away. Being a gypsy was all she knew, what would she do if people stopped believing?

She walked in and looked around the shop, it was nice, smelled nice (for the moment)...
The receptionist stared at her like receptionists do when they are not actively ignoring you. Pretended to check the appointment book to see if there was an oppening. Of course there was. So she went through the curtain indicated by the receptionist with a tilt of her head.
She sat down at the table with the gypsy. They sat in silence, looking at each other. They were opposites, these two. As she sat there her mouth started to open and the gypsy began to tense up. Her sphincter loosened up and the gypsy scrunched up into a tight little fist... and they just stared at each other.
Gypsy: What the fuck?
Her: Uhhh...
Gypsy: I mean, really.. What the fuck?
Her: Oh, I had this dream last night, and there was a gypsy and she sang this song and it reminded me of this song that my aunt used to sing to me on my birthday. My aunt was crazy.
Gypsy: OK
Her: ...
Gypsy: So... and???
Her: Well, it really freaked me out, you know.
Gypsy: OK...
Gypsy: Now, I am going to ask you a question, and I want you to think about it, because I am not going to just sit here, with you... OK, so, tell me, what the fuck do you want.
Her: Oh, I was going to ask you, what does it all mean?
Gypsy: What does what all mean?
Her: The dream
Gypsy: The dream? What does the dream mean?
Her: Yeah.
Gypsy: It means your aunt used to sing a song to you on your birthday and you didn't really know what to make of her or the song so you somehow added a few random details on to her. You made her a gypsy. Dreams are really just random shit that pops into our heads when we are free from the restrictions of cognative thought. They really don't mean anything... for real.
Her: Oh. But what is it all about.
Gypsy: ?!?!
Her: I mean, really, what does IT all mean?
Gypsy: What does was all mean?
Her: IT!!!
Gypsy: The dream???
Her: Uhh... No... I mean, whats it all about?
Gypsy: What? The DREAM?!?
Her: Well, yeah, that, and stuff, you know, all of it.
Gypsy: I don't know what the hell you are talking about. But if I had to look into the future, if that is what you are asking me, I would have to say that you are about this close to taking a long and painful trip...
Her: REALLY?!?! Where am I going...
Gypsy: ..to HELL, TO HELL!!! Get out of here and GO TO HELL!!!

There was some serious tension in the room at this point. She could tell that the gypsy was having a bad day, but she was thankful that she was able to take the time to tell her what her dream meant. Although she really didn't understand it... But that is the way it is with gypsies, they don't give you everything, just enough for you to figure it out for yourself. It was an like a pun or something. She liked puns. She would try to figure it out on her own.

Blah, blah, blah, she went to the ocean or something, saw a flower over the edge of the cliff, tried to pick it, started falling, continued falling, etc., etc., etc...

All I got

This is about all I got today, will continue with the story tomorrow.

More more more

Down down down she fell.
She tried flapping her arms a little bit, but did I mention that she was twisting and turning and such? Yes I did, so as she flapped her arms it really just exacerbated the twisting and turning, making her dizzy. Did I mention that she was going to throw up in her mouth, just a little bit? Well, that was because she was flapping her arms, etc. etc. and there you go... Turns out that when she threw up, just a little bit, it brought one of the fly's back up, which she then promptly swallowed back down. She had an nasty acidic taste in the back of her throat now, a little bit went up the back door to her nose and now there was a chunk stuck up there... Yeah...
Her life began to flash before her eyes, kinda sorta, and she thought about the time when she was little, and she went into her parents room, where she was not supposed to be, and the bathroom door was open, and she was looking through her mamma's drawers where she kept her underwear (her drawers drawer, yo), just because, and something caught the corner of her eye... She turned her head and saw her pa getting out of the shower, he was naked, and she ran away... Thats it. Thats the whole story, all she remembers of the incident. Oh, and her uncle was in the shower too... Hey, she just remembered, her pa and her uncle (not really her uncle, you dig, just this dude her dad introduced as Uncle Bob (heh, his name was really Roger, but her dad called him Bob because that is what he did so well))(they had gay sex together). Hhmmnn...
It was about right around this time that she died.
Dead dead dead she was. Nicest of the damned and all that jazz.
It happened in an instant (if you were watching) but in her death it was actually a long and drawn out process. The spa treatment she got, that was nice and relaxing, she felt quite refreshed after that, of course then she was sent down to Hell. Blah, blah, no room for her, there were some meetings, middle management in Hell decided they needed to discuss this for a while, some of them pointing out that this was no way to run a business, others of them indicating that they had mentioned in a memo that they were getting full and should do something about this, and others claiming that they had to get to this other really important meeting and could they take this offline and revisit it later and stuff like that. Eventually there were some forms to fill out and lines to be waited in and she didn't have a pen so ended up holding up the line when she finally got to the front while she filled out the form... Then she had to wait while there was some sort of processing of the form and then she was dismissed. They gave her a map, told her to go here --> X <-- . Pretty simple really, go here and stand on the X.
She stood to the left of the X, she stood to the right of the X. Nothing happened. She looked for a button or something, but for fucks sake, it is just an X. "Just stand on the fucking X" said a helpful demon as he passed on by. She went and stood next to it, figured she should just wait for a minute. Nothing happened. Her mouth fell open and she breathed for a while. She got tired and sat down next to the X. Nothing happened. She breathed some more and drooled a little bit. She layed down next to the X, right next to the X, on her back. Nothing. She had trouble breathing when she layed on her back. She rolled over... come on, come on, you can do it... she rolled a little bit, rolled a little bit, she rolled onto her tummy, RIGHT ONTO THE X... POOF...
Back to the scene of her death...
She materialized about 2 ft above the ground and hovered there for a second, just long enough for her to get her bearings, figure out where she was and look straight down at the ground... then she dropped. Down do... BAM... heh...
She layed there for a second, just thinking. Thought about her cat. Cat was probably hungry. Maybe lonely. So she thought...
Actually the cat hated her...
6 Signs that the cat hated her:
1) Rubbed her dirty cat butt in her face.
2) Pee'd in the corner.
3) Left cathair everywhere.
4) climbed up on the tables and counters.
5) Clawed the carpet up and the drapes down.
6) Was an evil stupid cat that clawed her last boyfriend in the Nuts as he was leaving (never to return)

She decided to get up. She rolled over and sat up.
Uhh she thought so "uhh" she said... she had pooped herself... what a suprise.
She was PLEASED!!! YES!!! she was right, situations like this DO result in you pooping yourself, thus, it doesn't matter if you wear clean underwear. YES!!!
It was a little victory, but she could feel that this was the start of something BIG!!! Things were going to start going her way, she could smell it...
She got up, feeling vindicated. She started her victory march back to her car. She had to walk a little funny cause she had, well, you know... And she finally got to her car and it was all misty and shit outside and she got in the car and sat right on it, you know... so she started up her car and turned on the heat and waited for it to warm up... she just sat there breathing... pretty soon it got all warm and steamy and stank... and she was starting to itch... she turned the radio on and started driving home, modern and uplifting jazz, how soothing... just the kind of music for people like her, mouth breathers with crap in their pants...
She drove back the way she had come, back back back, the way she had come, and somehow found herself pulling up and parking in front of the gypsy's shop, right next to the Starbucks and the video store... She went in but the gypsy "..was with someone" said the gal behind the counter. So she sat down and waited. The gal behind the counter lit some more incense, a lot more... it was all smokey and sweet (Chandan Dhoop) and Jefferson Airplane was playing (White Rabbit) and it was really, just super groovie...
Except it didn't really cover the stench, and since she had to wait she ended up sitting there and breathing (you dig) and started inhaling quite a bit of the smoke. She started getting a bit light headed, really...
Pretty soon the gypsy came out, all smiling and chatting with the gal she was just doing a reading for, it had been a good one, success and beauty would be hers... YAY!!!
First she noticed the smoke, and kind of waved it off as she walked the gal out the door. As soon as the door was shut she turned around, waved her hands and coughed.
"what the fuck is going on in here? Why are you burning so much incense?" She asked
"Uh, to cover the smell?" and she raised up her hand and pointed from behind it towards our hero.
The gypsy turned her head and turned her head and turned her head, and turning her head took a lifetime. Our hero sat and smiled, which was actually just breathing through her mouth and raising her cheeks a bit.
There was just a bunch of noise at that point, mostly gypsy curses and breaking glass...
The gypsy was a redhead, pale skin and psycho (duh)... completely irrational most of the time (although she WAS good at being a gypsy) she totally came unhinged when she saw our hero sitting in the corner... she could smell her through the incense and it enflamed her, like chumming the waters and working up the sharks...
Generally speaking, and in no particular order the gypsy said words like:
Fuck, get, out, you, smelly, bitch, stain, Kill, KILL, goddamn, streak, Ass, Kick, beaver, shit, throat, before, and a few other things I didn't really catch and/or can't figure out how to spell...
The breaking of the glass was from our gal tipping over the glass table in front of her as she jumped up excitedly...
Heh, part of the tirade had to do with the shit streak our hero left on the white chair she was sitting on (she was seeping)...
A lot of it had to do with the gypsy being a raging dyke and our hero really turned her off and threatened to turn her straight, and she had WAY too much invested in being gay to let that happen.
But most of it had to do with the gypsy having told her to "never fucking come back here again, I hope you take a long and painful trip you bitch"... or something like that...

I guess I had a little something after all...

Blah,
I got nothing, absolutely nothing... Well, I got something, but I think it, close my eyes and feel it, and then, when I open my eyes and set my fingers to typing it, BAM!!! I get hit ride in the face with the suckiness of it... Everything just seems so stark, I don't have that happy haze of something something that I get enveloped in when I am really in the groove... Maybe I should just type, yes, perhaps I will do that... Ya'll may want to stop right here and go do something meaningful, like spaying and/or neutering your pet...

Down down down she falls, tumbling and turning, twisting and stuff, as she leaves the summit of the high shear cliff. In retrospect the view really wasn't that great from up there, and the flower, just off the edge really wasn't that pretty and she HAD been warned by the gypsy that she was in for a long and painful trip today... funny how that works. She had time to thing about this as she fell fell fell, it really was a high cliff, so she had plenty of time. She wondered, "will I bounce when I hit the ground? or will I just land with a splat?" She thought, "Perhaps I will make a big hole and if they want me they will need to dig out around me to pull me out". Which seemed silly since they would just dig her out and have to dig a new hole somewhere else to be buried in.
"OH!!!" she thought so OH she said. "I wanted to be cremated. I wonder if I have that written down somewhere? Did I ever tell anyone I loved about my final wishes?"
But she didn't love anyone now, and noone probably loved her. If there is a funeral and people sit around talking about her they will have trouble remembering anything super. Most likely they will sit there for a minute, say something about how they figured she would go this way, take a look at there watch, counting off the tick tick tick of the seconds, then excuse themselves since they had plans and they are running late. And her cat will starve, stupid cat.

Down down down she continued to fall. "OUCH!" she thought (and ouch she said), wouldn't you know it, she got a bug in her eye. The pain caused her to suck in her breath, which resulted in one, two, three, four bugs flying into her mouth, a couple of them went straight into her lungs, such was the force of the suck she exerted. If only she had put that sucking power to use in some of her relationships, maybe she would have someone to love now, or at least someone that would miss her... But she didn't, and noone would, probably, she thought, as she hacked a bug out of her lungs and clawed a bug out of her eye...
She was trying to see the ground, far far far below her, but she still was twisting and turning and really just flopping through the air, so she could not get a bead on the earth rushing up to meet her. She could see the ground, for a moment, then the sky, for a moment, then the cliff, for a second, and something off in the distance briefly, then the ground again, again just for a moment, and so on and so on....

Oh, and it was starting to rain, and she was wearing a white shirt, and a blue bra, really trashy, really... Add some daisy dukes and it would really be a sight to behold, but she didn't have the ass for it, really didn't need a bra... "Oh my god!" she thought (and said it too, she was a mouth breather, did I mention that, so she pretty much mentioned every little thought that came into her head, and when she was alone, or even in a crowd, and she kinda spaced out, her jaw would slacken and she would just sit there and breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out (and sometimes a little thread a drool would sneak out the corner, but she usually caught it (not always though, she didn't know but this was the untold reason that some of her boyfriends had dumped her (although some of them weren't even boyfriends, just casual encounters (she told herself))))... She had been feeling a bit self conscious this morning, she remembered, and had, for a lark, stuffed her bra with whatever it is that women stuff their bra's with (dammit, what am I? a bra scientist?) and she was imagining the laughs when they did the autopsy on her, or at least prepared her for burial, when they found this stuffing...

Would they laugh more at:
1) the fact that she stuffed her bra and they caught her?
2) at her small little titties
3) at the stuffing she had used (again, I don't know what it was, but she probably used something stupid)

And she thought "OH!" again (said it out loud, etc. etc.) because she remembered that she hadn't done any "maintenance" in a while so she was REALLY hairy, here and here and especially down there. How embarrassing!!!
"OH!!!" (etc. etc.) "I wonder, if when I land, if I will poo?" Funny thing, she was a firm believer that it didn't really matter if you wore clean underwear or not because it was her belief that most accidents resulted in people pooing their pants. So, if it really got to a point where someone would be seeing her underwear it would be because of an accident and, uh, there would be poo, so how clean the underwear was did not really matter (another of the reasons that some of her "boyfriends" had mysteriously broken up with her was because of the skidmarks in her drawers (she was clumsy and expected to be in an accident daily, so if her underwear was clean it was more unusual than usual)).

Reasons "boys" broke up with her:
1) Mouth Breather
2) Dirty Drawers
3) Didn't suck enough
4) Itty Bitty Titties
5) Slept with their Dad
6) Turned Gay
7) Big Bush
8) Its not you, its me (but its really you)
9) They forgot
10) Cute midget
11) Dirty Drawers + Big Bush = Klingon's

Down down down she fell, the top of the cliff grew further and further away, the ground most likely was getting closer and closer (stands to reason)... It was a bad day... She was falling, had a bug in her eye, a few in her lungs, it was raining, she was unkempt had little boobs, nobody loved her and she was mostly likely going to die in a moment or two...
She didn't know it, but it really wouldn't be that bad... she was definitely going to die, and she was going to Heaven (yay heaven, cause that is what she believed), but when she got to heaven she wasn't going to get in. Oh, they would be kind... they would say pleasant words at her, give her a spa day where she would get shaved up and waxed down (maybe do something about that hair-do, yo)... they would give her some clean drawers, sexy ones that she couldn't have pulled off with such a mighty bush, some low riders to show off the whale tale... magical angel dust would be sprinkled on her and she would finally get the rack she always wanted... quick brush of the teeth, a pat on the ass and (imagine this) down down down she would go, down down down, to the bad place, because she believed in that too... But due to some computer problems that had caused the mouth breather ring of hell to be overbooked (she didn't believe in Dante's rings of hell, but they really are there) they didn't have room for her, besides, noone wanted to work that ring anyhow and the staff that WAS there was surly... So in this case, down down down she would go, and she really would bounce... boing!!! back to the world, the real world, really really alive and well, but all of heavens hard work would have to be undone... back to the stanky drawers, SPROING would be the sound as the mighty bush sproings back into existence, PWINK would be the sound of her fancy rack pwinking back down to nubbins, etc. etc...

But she would not know about this for a little while yet, she was not quite there... She would still had to throw up a little in her mouth, try to fly (actually flapping the arms, damn), remember the time she saw her dad naked when he got out of the shower (and she was a little girl) and wonder about why she was remembering THAT, especially NOW...
Yeah, just a little bit more, yeah baby, almost there... she's getting close, sooo close, oh, oh, come on, come on ... oooh. yeah. thats. it. right. there. FWEE FWEE FWEE FWEE Ahhhhhhhhhh... Down down down...