AK-47 is the tool. Don't make me act the mf'in fool

Busy,
Thats how I roll...
Seems that I haven't had time to do shit lately, at least here at this place where I spend all my time.
I need a hobby or something, like shooting guns or breaking into cars or something, something exciting and destructive. I think I am building up some rage or something, which I have never been able to figure out how to express in a professional manner. When I get to the breaking point it usually end up with me in tears, quietly sobbing into my sleeve and begging forgiveness for something. Maybe if I channel this into something like shooting at things something something something...
See, I was thinking that it would be fun to shoot at coffee cups. Yeah, really, coffee cups... for some reason, this vision I have involves blowing the hell out of coffee cups with a high powered handgun... shards of ceramics flying all over the place... maybe actually having coffee in the cups so coffee sprays all over. Oh, and the cups are on a log or a fence... Bam Bam Bam...
Let's see, oh, and I am wearin a muscle shirt and cut offs... of course the sun is out, and there are birds and chipmunks running around... I would typically think about shooting at them also, but wouldn't actually do it. I may be taking a nip or two out of a pint of Jim Beam, but maybe not... probably would, cause it is dusty out and my sinuses are getting all clogged and shit, and bourbon is a well known cure for this... very well known...
Bam Bam Bam
All sorts of coffee cups biting the dust, I seem to have an endless supply. Red ones and Green ones and ones with sunflowers on them, a couple that say "this is my mug" and have someones picture on them... I feel bad about shooting the green coffee cups because I like drinking coffee out of green coffee cups, but I shoot them anyway and I get over it.
Bam Bam Bam
The cops come by to see what the hell is going on. I explain to them that I am "just shooting a some coffee cups, officer, nothing to worry about..." and they go away because THEY understand... I watch them drive away and their cruiser throws up some dust, so I take another nip out of the bottle. I think about how I had thought about being a cop once upon a time, and how I am glad I didn't pursue it... I have this little bit of trouble with authority, you see... damn cops... I wish I had a coffee cup with a big sheriffs badge on it that I could shoot, a blue one with a gold badge... BAM
BAM BAM BAM
I am a terrible shot, but that is ok, cause when I finally DO hit one it explodes fiercely and gives me much satisfaction...
Yeah, that is how it would all work out... Bam Bam Bam
But, then, I don't really believe in guns, well, I secretly think they are exciting, kinda, but I don't see one in my future... thus the dream ends...
You know, maybe I should just go and beat up bums... walk around down here with a dollar bill hanging outta my pocket and wait for one of them to say something, like, hey, gimme a dollar, or spare some change, and then... and then... oh, this is exciting... and then, I would pull the dollar out and walk towards them and act like I am about to hand it to them and oops, dropped it, sorry, and when they go to pick it up, BAM, judo chop to the back of the neck, the BAM, a kick to the kidneys, maybe kick them in the nads a couple times, then, as they curl up into a little ball, I will fall on them and start hitting them about the head and shit... YEAH!!! Take that you dirty filthy homeless person!!! and I will pick up the dollar and walk away. I wouldn't spit at them, I think that would be rude, no need to be rude... but you know, giving them a good ass kicking might just pull them out of the funk they are in and help them on their way to being a productive member of society... maybe they will find me one day and thank me for showing them the way... how about that... I am like Ayn Rand or something.

Scary dreams and such...

Dude,
I had a scary dream last night... there is no way I could do it justice, but it involved these evil living dead type of people. They seemed to be part vampire and kinda like zombies and invisible, like ghosts (most of the time)... it was super strange... It started out where I was on this old train or railroad car with this other dude and we were trying to go down this track and the track just ended in this run down town. So we couldn't go any further and ended up going in this restaurant/bar/local meeting place kinda place and people were kinda strange towards us, like they didn't want to be unfriendly but they certainly weren't going to be friendly.
And this dude went down the hall and heard this knocking at this door, it was a glass door, and he went outside and this car came up and the doors on the car opened but noone got out... or did they... suddenly there was like this vampire zombie thing behind the dude and he was hauled into the car by the head (they grabbed his head and pulled and into the car he went).
But noone really noticed, but it was getting late and everyone started heading out and they asked me where I was going to stay the night and I said I didn't know and they said I couldn't stay outside and I told them it was warm enough, wouldn't be so bad and they were like, hell no, and they locked me in this closet to sleep so I would be safe. They told me to be quiet and stay where I was... all night there were all these strange sounds, like knocking and creaking and shit. And I looked through the cracks in the door and could see "things" moving around out there, like people, but not like people, you dig...
So the sun came up and people came back and let me out and told me I should probably leave, and I was going to, but I got sidetracked, and somehow it seemed like I was camping... with some hippies or something... there were a few tents set up in this clearing and the clearing ended IN THIS HOUSE... it ended at this hallway, man... and the hippies were all acting like everything was cool because they were safe as long as they stayed here, but I could tell that just past the clearing was where all the bad things were... and it was pretty strange... and it seemed true, because people were disappearing if they went outside the clearing, you would sometimes hear screams and stuff... but being hippies they would sometimes go off and do hippie things, and end up screaming and dead... and apparently I was a hippie, because I ended up going into this house with someone else, and there was weird shit swirling around us but nothing bad was happening... and there was a CAT (wouldn't you know it) and the cat wondered off and I felt this presence closing in on me, like 3 or 4 of them were closing in, all around me, whispering things and taunting me... I was kinda scared, and I turned around and all of a sudden the fucking cat was hurling through the air towards me with its claws out and hissing and looking all evil cat like and I was all like, oh shit, here we go again, but the cat flew by my and into one of the evil things and it dug in and started ripping it apart and there was all this hideous shrieking and the cat was going NUTS and it destroyed all the evil things...
Suddenly I understood that the cat was protecting us and it was the reason that all the evil things were staying away... and I was grateful towards the cat and was going to pet it but it was all gross with bloody stuff from the evil things it had destroyed and I hate cats anyhow, so I just let it walk off...
And suddenly everything was fine and everyone was starting to go back about their business like this happened all the time and the only thing you can do it keep on keeping on... so people were cleaning the house and I was all like, HEY, how do we know there ain't more of them in the spooky basement or something... and they all shrugged their heads and acted like it was all ok now and I was a dipshit, like old people are known to do (cause they all seemed old)... So I decided I needed to take a shower and I found a towel and headed towards the bathroom and ran into my father in law and told him I was going to take a shower (no, he didn't offer to join me, not this time... that is another dream, or, what do they call them, fantasy) and he told me he had just poured a bunch of bleach in the tub and it was draining so I should wait a minute, so I said ok, and I went into the bathroom and closed the door and got naked and then I turned around and there was this huge hole in the door and I could see my mother in law on the other side cleaning and stuff (no, she didn't join me either) and I turned around, back towards the tub and looked inside and the last of the bleach and dirty water was draining down, and the drain was this huge hole in the center of the tub and I was worried that I would step in it or something bad would come out of it...
But I got in anyhow, you know, and turned the water on and suddenly I realized that the walls had holes in them also and there were a bunch of people walking by on the other side... I stood and watched them all walking by... it wasn't like they were looking in at me or anything, no, they were just walking by...
And the funny thing was, I knew I was having a dream the whole time, so it was all scary like watching a scary movie, but not so scary because I knew it wasn't real... I was just kinda participating like I was supposed to... it was interesting...

***
So we hung with some friends on the weekend, and it was great, you know... They brought their little dude down and he was a bunch of fun and we did a little bit of a late xmas/missed your birthday kinda thing...
The ladies got to be annoyed by the fella's talking "geek" stuff and something something... you know how the ladies get...
Anyhow, we were talking and I had mentioned something, oh, I remember, we gave them a gift for the little dude, one of those strainer things that you can put things in and the little kid gets to chaw on it and get bits and pieces of "real food" or something like that... so we were, for some reason, naming off pieces of food that you could put in the little bag... mostly fruit... and I mentioned something about putting some steak or sausage in there and my friend said something that blew my mind... he said that their kid was not eating meat, that he was going to be a vegetarian until HE decided that he wanted to eat meat... I was all like, huh?!?
and I have been thinking about it ever since, not in a "what a stupid moron" type of way, but more of a... uh, wtf kind of way... I mean, I understand and yet I don't understand, and it really ain't that big a deal, or earth shattering or anything, I can dig where they are coming from, but I had never thought of anything like that... I know people that don't want to "polute" their children with non organic something or others, which typically include meat, and I accept this from them because that is the way they are... they are instilling their own values in their children... but my friends, they eat meat and such, so I have to believe it has something to do with "free will" and NOT instilling their personal beliefs in their son... which seems real cool... I think... see, that is where I am hung up... I should have asked, I should have said, hey, whats up with that... we could have conversed on this and would have either agreed or disagreed (and had to kiss and make up) but I didn't...
I think I am intrigued by this thing... I know I am slightly confused... I don't know...
Let me offer this up, though... Dude, when kids are teething one of the most fantastic things you can give them to chaw on is beef jerky... for real, they love it and it makes them tough as nails...
Kinda funny, or maybe not, while we were having this little talk but not really my kids were running around with a pair of scissors, which I was fine with, they do it all the time... Dude, they were climbing this cart to get to the drawer where they blindly reach around until they can find the sharp pointy things to wrap their fingers around and jump down off the cart... it is actually quite a bit less dangerous than it sounds... well, probably not, but I have seen them do it enough to be considered a bad father, I suppose...
I have also learned that they like to be left in the bathtub, unattended, for hours at a time... they do more harm to the tub than the tub does to them, for real... oh, and, although it is hella easy and the path of least resistance, it is best NOT to let them eat top ramen for breakfast, lunch AND dinner, all in the same day... gotta break it up somewhere in there, despite all the screaming... and DO NOT break it up by offering them spaghetti... go for some sort of non-noodle... Oh, and I learned that if you are going to threaten to smack them then you really gotta follow up with the smack, because they learn so friggin fast... after about the 4th time you threaten to give 'em a spankin' and don't the threat is worthless and they will actually MOCK YOU!!! Oh, and after they mock you, don't cry, because they totally lose all respect for you after that and will walk ALL over you... especially if you run to your room and slam the door, leaving them alone to do whatever they want...
Just thought I would mention, you know...

Sneaking up like celery, yeah, I'm stalking...

Last night I dreamed I was a beatnik or a beat type dude, you know, like Kerouac and Ginsberg and such...
Anyhow, I was heading out to take this teaching job, and I was taking this girl with me. We were going to start a new life, settle down, be respectable.
So we get to this house where we were going to live and everything seemed cool, but there was something bothering me, I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Then this dude showed up outside and it was the girls boyfriend or ex boyfriend or something, and he had followed us because he wasn't ready to give her up, and it became apparent that the girl thought this was pretty cool, although she wouldn't say so. So I start being a man and getting all pissed and scared at the same time, cause the dude was huge and mean looking.
So I was going to go and kick his ass but the girl didn't want me to, she said she would go and talk to him. I told her that there was nothing to talk about, he was the "EX" and that meant there was no reason to continue any relationship of any kind, you dig... she started getting all twitchy and I started running around trying to find the guy and hide from him at the same time. I finally yanked the girl outside through the back door and the dude caught up with us. He grabbed her and I knocked him down. I started beating on him but it didn't seem like I was really landing any blows with the rage that I wanted to. I kept hitting him and hitting him and he started crying and stuff, and the girl was crying and yelling at me to get off of him.
So I stopped and it seemed obvious that I was the odd man out. He was more important to her than I was so I walked off.
So I ended up at this club of some sort. There were a bunch of artsy type people all over the place, being beatniks and such, eating and drinking and reading poetry and doing performance art. There was a young girl there (may have been the Noner) and I remember she went into this room to watch some people acting, and someone mentioned that it might not be appropriate for her to be in there. I went in and there was some sort of trapeze performance going on, but it wasn't just people doing flips and stuff, there were people all dressed up in different costumes and they were acting up on a platform and throwing shit around and it was pretty cool. I didn't see anything especially inappropriate but I thought the Noner might be confused by it. I looked at her and could tell she thought it was the coolest thing in the world.
So I went back out to where everyone else was and was hanging out on the patio feeling like I needed to act out somehow. There was some sort of tree or cactus or something set up on the patio, real big, and I took a leap at it and knocked it down. The owner of the place started yelling and we all started running. We were laughing as we ran, at first, but then I realized we were being chased by some bikers. We split up and were running in and out of these trees and bushes and stuff, I was trying to run real fast, but let these 2 gals keep up with me. They were still laughing and I was trying to get them to move faster. They got caught so I stopped running and went back for them.
The bikers grabbed me. They took me somewhere and suddenly I was negotiating with them to let me go. The 2 girls were there and I was telling the bikers that they could have sex with the girls if they let me go. I realized this was kinda strange, like why did I have permission to bargain like this, you know, and I looked at the girls. They didn't seem to mind, seemed kind of intrigued. I told the one biker he could have sex with this brunette as long as he gave her some little bit of pleasure. She piped up and said that she had trouble having orgasms but thought she might be able to if the guy tried real hard. I was taken out of the loop at that point... I got free... I walked out into the world and looked around. I had nowhere to go and didn't know what to do with myself.
Right about then I woke up...

***
I stayed home from work on Thursday...
I felt like crap.
I was all ready to go to work, was going to be tough and shit. Had my lunch ready, took my shower, drank my coffee, sat down on the couch to put my shoes on, and actually got them on and laced up. I just sat there. I had the cold sweats, was tired and my chest was wheezing. I thought about what should I do... I watched the clock and tried to power up. Pretty soon I had missed my bus. "Fuck it", I thought to myself... I grabbed the phone and dialed up work. There ain't noone here at that time in the morning so I started dialing extensions that I hoped would get me to the managers line. Dude, I swear I dialed a combination of #'s that should have gotten me to were I wanted to go about 10 times... different combo's I hope... I very well could have dialed the same set of numbers 5 of those times with the same crappy results... So I ended up leaving a message on a coworkers voice mail and hoped for the best.
So I layed down on the couch and slept for a couple hours, since my bed was full up. Pretty soon people start getting up and pretty soon my lovely wife is up...
Now, I am scared of her, you know... Scared that she is going to think that I am the biggest puss in the world.
Being the alpha male, you know you gotta be at the top of your game. Any sense of weakness and the other hounds start sniffin' around. Also, being at the top of your game keeps the alpha female at your side. If the alpha female goes, all the rest of the females go too... I gotta keep my pack in line so I was totally mental...
I was feverish (feverful?) and when my lovely wife asked me "Hey, you big puss, what are you doing home? Do you have a tummy ache? You suck, don't you?!?" I felt backed into a corner and said I was hella sick and I was going to the DR.
She told me the Dr. was just going to tell me I was sick and stupid and a big puss and she could do just as well... It would go something like this: "You are a big sick puss and you are ugly and your breath smells and you are FAT and stop being such a big puss you ugly fat stinky asshole!"
I snapped at her about some sort of imaginary belief that she hates me and hates it when I am home and/or generally alive.
She mentioned that I was living in a world of make believe or some sort of alternate universe... which blew my mind because I swear she just called me names or something...
Anyhow, I kept up the charade act being sick and she suggested to me that if I was going to be a puss the clinic I might as well take the Noner since she ACTUALLY WAS SICK.
damn...
So, we went to the Dr's after a bit more drama which we need not go into.
We got there right at opening and they got us in damn quick...
They start running us through the paces, made the Noner get up on the scale and she was a cute little 52 lbs... cute... So I get on the scale and it starts creaking and smoking and shit... all these numbers are running around and around like some sort of slot machine in a cartoon... pretty soon this red light starts flashing... on the readout it said "one person at a time, please" and the nurse hit this override button to let it now there WAS only one. "Really?!?" said the readout... she hit the ok button. It started shaking again and all of these numbers started popping up... The nurses eyes got REAL big and she looked from the readout to me and back to the readout... she started shaking her head as she wrote the number down on my chart. She pulled me into the other room and gave the chart to the other nurse... the other nurse looked at it, then looked at the first nurse, then back to the chart, then back to the first nurse, then they both looked at me... they were impressed, yet not impressed, if you know what I mean... I was going to joke with them and tell them it was all cock, but I was feverish (feverful?) and not thinking straight... I could tell they were disgusted with me...
So they took my pulse and my blood pressure and such and herded us into another room (probably so the other patients wouldn't be shocked at our appearance...
Nice Dr. Aguillar came in... started asking what was wrong with the Noner... Fever, cough, stuff like that... It was sad... he took her temp, listened to her lungs, looked in her ears... Told me she was sick.
Then he looked at me and said "whats wrong with you, you big fat pussy?" and I said, well, I got this here wheeze, and cold sweats, and fever and stuff... He said it was probably because I am a big fat fucker, but what the hell, lets take a look... He looked in my mouth and his eyes got all big... "Hhmnnn..." he said.
He pulled up my shirt and found a spot where the hair was not too thick and put the stethoscope on it... told me to breath, and breath again, and again... he told me to cough... so I coughed... he told me to breath again...
"Hhmnnn..." he said...
"well, you fat fucker, apparently you are sick also, but much much worse... You have Atypical Bacterial Bronchitis!!!"
He started writing out prescriptions... Antibiotics, an inhaler and some cough syrup... But because I am a white male between 18 and 40 he only gave me a thimbleful of cough syrup, in case I got sick just to get some codeine... He told me to go home and sleep and drink a lot of fluids...
So me and the Noner went rolling across town to get our scrips filled... I tried to rush it so I could get the car back to my lovely wife before she had to leave... I felt bad for her, since I was truly dieing and she would soon be a widow and she would have to start all over and find a new better husband so I could sit in whatever place I end up and look up or down (as the case may be) and cry because she is so much happier now...
But the friggin' pharmacist was fucking around with some dude that had been diagnosed with Diabetes or something... explaining shit to him... oh, boo hoo, poor diabetic... DAMMITT... I am dying here... gimme my drugs...
So while we waited we ran to the store and got some Sprite.. and a couple Lunchables for the girls, and a couple of Tony's Pizza's to get me healthy again...
Uhhh... Damn, long story short... I went home, the lovely wife was gone, it was better that way, no need for her to start worrying yet... let her have a few more hours of relative security before she moves on...
So I ate pizza, took some codeine cough syrup, topped it off with some dextromethorphan (I read somewhere this was a good idea) and went to bed... when my lovely wife got home I informed her I was dying, truly truly sick, and suggested that she wait until after my body had been disposed of before she started dating again... She agreed to wait... but only if I promised not to hang on for TOO long...
So I slept, took my medicine, took a shower, trimmed the forest (boys do it too), etc., etc...
Unfortunately for my wife I have survived... I can smell now, I am not coughing, my lungs are not weezing... it is sweet...
donuts in the last 4 hours), see if I can't lose about 20 lbs... My personal goal is to be able to buy some original Levi's 501 shrink to fit jeans and actually wear them... eventually cut them off for some kick ass boys daisy dukes... I am practicing (in my mind) already... I am starting to watch my diet (as I type this, let it be known, that I have eaten 4 Krispy KreamOoops, my wiener fell out of my shorts again... here, let me pick that up for you (as I bend over, ass in the air for full affect)... it is going to be so sweet...

dreams I drempt I had...

I probably didn't sleep too well last night, although I feel well rested. I remember dreaming, and enjoying it and trying to control it a bit, see how far I could take it. I don't remember much, but I remember something about being Augusten Burroughs and I had written a book and sent it to a publisher with the expectation that it would be made into a movie. I was fully expecting this to happen but I got a call from the publisher and they told me I sucked. I didn't understand, and they told me there weren't gonna be no movie, and I started thinking about it and I came to the conclusion that, yeah, the book sucked, it had no cohesion, no real focus, and I though, hmmm.
The rest of the dreams were scattered here and there. I remember being in my parents back yard and looking over the fence and seeing a dog chasing a Guinea pig, but the Guinea pig made it through a hole in the fence and I went running for it and it turned into a cat and I was all, DAMN! and there were some other random parts, real adventure... no booty though.
I was hoping I was going to have a dream where I was Billy Idol and there were a bunch of mermaids I wanted to get it on with but they wouldn't let me so I end up doing it with a married woman that had been a fan of mine FOREVER and was throwing herself at me... but I didn't...
Things I have dreampt about that I occasionally think about:
1) Sometimes I have a need to shoot a gun and invariably, in my dreams, I can either not pull the trigger or I do pull the trigger but the bullets move real real slow.
2) I often dream I am falling backwards off of something and am looking up as I fall and then I land on my back... not usually from great heights, say a tree house or a small cliff.
3) Sometimes I used to dream I was running. I was able to run up or down mountains and then jump real high and land softly and continue running, almost like flying but more like a controlled leap... it was cool.
4) I often dream I am doing drugs, random real or imagined drugs... but I don't get high and it is usually not about doing the drugs per se, but overcoming the fear associated with doing it. It may be something I have done many times, or something I have never heard of, but I often fear the loss of control or something, but somehow find the courage... typically there is just disappointment in the end, funny how courage works sometimes.
5) Sometimes I have these dreams, where I get into these situations where I find people doing things and I am all like, "HEY!" and they are like "What?", but they say "what" like I am a hopeless retard and have obviously missed the point... the point being that I am a hopeless retard and it is over, or I should get over it, or it is about to be over... these are usually confusing and sad... and I usually end up crying about "I didn't know!!!"
6) I never dream of unicorns, or bumblebees, but I often dream of cats... evil evil cats that claw onto my arm or leg and I can't shake them off no matter how much I pound them against floors and walls and stuff... once I dreampt that there were something like 12 kittens all clawed onto me... it was horrible...
7) Once I dreampt I met Darth Vader in the mensroom and couldn't go pee in front of him and ended up wetting the bed... this was a LONG time ago...
8) I used to dream about the backroom of this grocery store and standing at the bottom of this long dark stairwell and there were monsters all over, like mummies and shit, and they were walking around real slow and I was running all over the place to get away from them but I never knew if they were just around the corner or about to come in the door... and I always end up going up the stairs and then I am trapped because I can't go back down because THEY are down there...
9) Once I dreampt I was "doing it" with my wifes sister, but I didn't want to be but she was enjoying herself so much and I couldn't get away... I was pretty disgusted by the whole thing but I had to go along with her "yes, that was nice, thank you"... I think I woke up from that dream so... so...
10) Oh, dude, I dream about my first car ALL THE TIME... '74 Ford Mustang II... I dream I am looking for it, or driving it, or putting gas in it, shifting gears, or messing with the stereo or opening the trunk... yeah... the trunk is always damp because there is beer spilling or wet things in it... duh.. sigh, I miss that car...

...center of the known universe is in my crotch

So I was sitting on the couch last night, minding my own business, watching Alton Brown, since it was around 7pm. My old lady came and sat down next to me. It was nice. I believe I said something wildly entertaining about jelly rolls or cinnimon buns or something, but got no response. I looked to me right, where my old lady was and she did not look especially happy, and when I say she did not look especially happy I really mean she looked mean and unhappy. I looked away. I looked back. In my tenderest, most sympathetic, loving and understanding voice I asked her if something was wrong.
She turned towards me and spit in my eye (SHE SPIT IN MY EYE, MAN!!! SHE SPIT IN MY FUCKING EYE!!!).
"Look Asshole," she started, "why don't you go to hell!!! I don't want to talk right now, m'kay?!?!"
I looked away.
I sat quietly and didn't move, let the spittle run down my face. I tried not to pout. I am pretty sure I didn't. I tried to act normal. When a commercial came on I went and hid in the kitchen, ate some chocolate, drank some Airborne. When the commercial was over I tip-toed back into the livingroom and gingerly sat my ass on the couch. Did the same thing on the next commercial.
I don't remember what Alton was doing (oh, yes I do, he was making pot-stickers, yum!) because I was busy thinking about what I could possibly have done. The list was long and full of paranoia.
Maybe I didn't help out enough around the house, was my first thought.
Maybe she has a thorn in her paw and can't get it out.
Maybe she is going to leave me for someone cuter and more successful and with a more fantastic package than me (yeah, right).
Maybe she spent all our money on orphans or midgets or firefighters or orphan midget firefighters and is trying to figure out how to tell me.
Uh, maybe this and maybe that... it went on and on.
Time passed and we got the kids ready for bed and I was all paranoid that maybe I should get them ready and in bed and stuff so as not to piss her off any further... but she did it (I helped by using commanding words on the kids)...
I was super sleepy at this point and wanted to go to bed, but there was laundry to fold and other stuff to be done that I didn't want to do, but if you have read this far you probably can guess that I figured that I should do something more... but I decided to go to bed anyhow.
I stood around indecisively, trying to make my move for the soft comfy bed, I decided to go for broke and appologize for being an asshole and not helping out enough.
"Sorry I didn't help out more around the house." I said, "I will try not to ruin your evening again by being a lazy good for nothing asshole."
She looked at me like I was a complete moron.
"You think I am mad at you, don't you!" she hissed at me.
"Yes." I muttered back at her with puppy dog eyes all eyeing the floor.
"You think you are ultimately responsible when I am unhappy, don't you?" she hurled at me.
"Well, yes." I mumbled (because I already muttered earlier).
"So, when I am happy it is all because of you also, huh?" she asked with some sort of emotion that I can't come up with a word for.
"Of course." I answered...
I proceeded to try to explain to her about how the universe revolves around me by making circle motions around my head indicating that the universe eminates out from my head into the infinate beyond. My head being the center of the known universe... So if someone around me is unhappy it is obviously that my universe is not functioning properly... If someone is happy, though, it is generally just an accident... I believe I actually told her that, yes, if she is happy it is also because of me, because I am of the opinion that it is my job in life to try and make her happy and safe and secure...
The funny thing is that she believes that she is the only one capable of making herself happy or unhappy... Heh, just heh... I guess my moves are pretty sublime, eh?
But really, yeah, I generally believe that if someone is unhappy around me that either:
A) I pissed them off or did something to make them unhappy.
B) I need to do something to make them happy or assist them in making themselves happy (as I have been explained, noone can make anyone else happy, they have to make themselves happy).
And it is probably true, assist is a better word than make, but you know, I am hard coded to respond in situations where there is unhappiness or bad vibes floating around... First instinct is to hide, to be honest. Second instinct is to compensate. Third is to actually take some sort of action.
Where did this leave me last night? My wife laughed at me (I prefer to think that I made her happy again) and told me not to piss her off again tomorrow. I can live with that.

Editors Note:
I took some creative license with these events. There was no actual spitting involved and I don't recall ever actually having been called an asshole by my lovely wife. Or being spit at by her.
The part about the universe eminating from my general head area is not actually completely honest. It actually eminates from my crotchal aread... it's all about the crotch area...

Editors Note Also:
I had words with my brother-in-law yesterday and he mentioned that he and his wife had wondered how it is that I can be so damn supportive and fantastic to my wife and let her do so many things... I think I said "I don't know" to him but mentioned this to my wife and told her that if I appear to be so it is because I love her and want her to be happy and fulfilled... just thought I would mention that...

Editors Note for Yesterday:
It was noted that there was only 1 midwife at the little vikings birth.
That may be a matter of words, though... There was the doula.. There was the midwife, who was the wife of a chiropractor... and there was her student, who was blond and canadian and didn't appear to be wearing a bra... and the mother-in-law... and Bob Marley... for real...