...center of the known universe is in my crotch

So I was sitting on the couch last night, minding my own business, watching Alton Brown, since it was around 7pm. My old lady came and sat down next to me. It was nice. I believe I said something wildly entertaining about jelly rolls or cinnimon buns or something, but got no response. I looked to me right, where my old lady was and she did not look especially happy, and when I say she did not look especially happy I really mean she looked mean and unhappy. I looked away. I looked back. In my tenderest, most sympathetic, loving and understanding voice I asked her if something was wrong.
She turned towards me and spit in my eye (SHE SPIT IN MY EYE, MAN!!! SHE SPIT IN MY FUCKING EYE!!!).
"Look Asshole," she started, "why don't you go to hell!!! I don't want to talk right now, m'kay?!?!"
I looked away.
I sat quietly and didn't move, let the spittle run down my face. I tried not to pout. I am pretty sure I didn't. I tried to act normal. When a commercial came on I went and hid in the kitchen, ate some chocolate, drank some Airborne. When the commercial was over I tip-toed back into the livingroom and gingerly sat my ass on the couch. Did the same thing on the next commercial.
I don't remember what Alton was doing (oh, yes I do, he was making pot-stickers, yum!) because I was busy thinking about what I could possibly have done. The list was long and full of paranoia.
Maybe I didn't help out enough around the house, was my first thought.
Maybe she has a thorn in her paw and can't get it out.
Maybe she is going to leave me for someone cuter and more successful and with a more fantastic package than me (yeah, right).
Maybe she spent all our money on orphans or midgets or firefighters or orphan midget firefighters and is trying to figure out how to tell me.
Uh, maybe this and maybe that... it went on and on.
Time passed and we got the kids ready for bed and I was all paranoid that maybe I should get them ready and in bed and stuff so as not to piss her off any further... but she did it (I helped by using commanding words on the kids)...
I was super sleepy at this point and wanted to go to bed, but there was laundry to fold and other stuff to be done that I didn't want to do, but if you have read this far you probably can guess that I figured that I should do something more... but I decided to go to bed anyhow.
I stood around indecisively, trying to make my move for the soft comfy bed, I decided to go for broke and appologize for being an asshole and not helping out enough.
"Sorry I didn't help out more around the house." I said, "I will try not to ruin your evening again by being a lazy good for nothing asshole."
She looked at me like I was a complete moron.
"You think I am mad at you, don't you!" she hissed at me.
"Yes." I muttered back at her with puppy dog eyes all eyeing the floor.
"You think you are ultimately responsible when I am unhappy, don't you?" she hurled at me.
"Well, yes." I mumbled (because I already muttered earlier).
"So, when I am happy it is all because of you also, huh?" she asked with some sort of emotion that I can't come up with a word for.
"Of course." I answered...
I proceeded to try to explain to her about how the universe revolves around me by making circle motions around my head indicating that the universe eminates out from my head into the infinate beyond. My head being the center of the known universe... So if someone around me is unhappy it is obviously that my universe is not functioning properly... If someone is happy, though, it is generally just an accident... I believe I actually told her that, yes, if she is happy it is also because of me, because I am of the opinion that it is my job in life to try and make her happy and safe and secure...
The funny thing is that she believes that she is the only one capable of making herself happy or unhappy... Heh, just heh... I guess my moves are pretty sublime, eh?
But really, yeah, I generally believe that if someone is unhappy around me that either:
A) I pissed them off or did something to make them unhappy.
B) I need to do something to make them happy or assist them in making themselves happy (as I have been explained, noone can make anyone else happy, they have to make themselves happy).
And it is probably true, assist is a better word than make, but you know, I am hard coded to respond in situations where there is unhappiness or bad vibes floating around... First instinct is to hide, to be honest. Second instinct is to compensate. Third is to actually take some sort of action.
Where did this leave me last night? My wife laughed at me (I prefer to think that I made her happy again) and told me not to piss her off again tomorrow. I can live with that.

Editors Note:
I took some creative license with these events. There was no actual spitting involved and I don't recall ever actually having been called an asshole by my lovely wife. Or being spit at by her.
The part about the universe eminating from my general head area is not actually completely honest. It actually eminates from my crotchal aread... it's all about the crotch area...

Editors Note Also:
I had words with my brother-in-law yesterday and he mentioned that he and his wife had wondered how it is that I can be so damn supportive and fantastic to my wife and let her do so many things... I think I said "I don't know" to him but mentioned this to my wife and told her that if I appear to be so it is because I love her and want her to be happy and fulfilled... just thought I would mention that...

Editors Note for Yesterday:
It was noted that there was only 1 midwife at the little vikings birth.
That may be a matter of words, though... There was the doula.. There was the midwife, who was the wife of a chiropractor... and there was her student, who was blond and canadian and didn't appear to be wearing a bra... and the mother-in-law... and Bob Marley... for real...