C-c-c-cold... sooo cold...
Ok, then...
I have just about had it with this friggin winter bullshit. I have not been warm for 2 months, I swear. Even half the time, laying in bed, under a down comforter with the heat cranked up to 1000 I'm not getting warm. Well, actually, sometimes when I get up close to my old lady I get kinda warm, but only one side, so either my front or back ends up still being friggin frosty. Dude, so I am all friggin cold in bed, and I am tough and not really complaining about it until now, but my neck gets cold, and then the muscles (mighty mighty ropes of high tensile steel that they are) get all bunched up in knots... so I end up all friggin crippled all day... and I don't mention it cause then people might offer me a massage or something and I really can't abide by that... not that I mind people putting their hands on me and all, but I am afraid of what might happen if the tension slips away. Worse case scenario results in my crapping myself, slightly better scenario leaves me sitting here with a boner (hooray for boners!!!) and somewhere between the two has someone standing behind me making faces as their fingers entwine with the silky soft hair on my back...
So I lay there quietly, shivering, with a sore neck, sobbing into my pillow, trying not to wake any of the people that have found their way into my bed... and when I have finally come to terms with it all and am ready to settle in to a fitful sleep the gadwdamn alarm goes off... The clock says 4 but I know it is actually closer to 3:50... I set the alarm early to give myself a buffer... so I jump out of bed and turn it off so as not to wake anyone up. Seriously, I bet the alarm goes off for maybe 8/10ths of a second before I am up and turning it off... and as cold as it is in the bedroom it is even closer in the rest of the apartment... and dark because ITS THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!! So I stumble around trying not to step on anything pointy or hard or cornery... No sun to wake me up, no 3 little birds sitting by my doorstep, etc., etc... just a big hot cup of coffee to get me motivated...
Today, though, this is not enough... I am tired, and cranky and cold and tired ( I know I said it twice) and ready for this shit to be over... I went outside this morning, to catch my bus and the cars were all covered with frost, heavy sparkly frost. The parking lot was slick. There were stars in the sky, where they belong... I had to stand by the road... in the early early morning, when people see you standing on the side of the road, they all somehow slide on over closer to the line... I know what it is, they see me, they turn their heads, when they turn their heads to the right their car goes to the right... I am used to it, for the most part, but when the semi's and delivery trucks come rolling up on me and their wheels are right on the line I get a LITTLE FREAKED OUT... Dude, I have stood next to airplanes, fully loaded 747's, as they taxi down the runway, engines howling, and they do not compare to the feeling of a friggin semi rollin at me in the dark cold morning... when it rains it is worse, they throw up this friggin spray and I end up getting, uh, sprayed in the face and misc other body regions by, uh, water... dirty dirty water...
Dude, the thing is, I am tired of bitching about it, either to myself or others...
"Hey, it sure is cold out, eh?"
"Yeah, it sure is."
So I was standing there, in the shower, thinking, because it was somewhat warmer there, warm enough so that I wanted to stand there all day, and I was thinking"
"Damn, I would like to stand here all day!"
and
"Too bad I can't get paid to stand here all day. That would be a sweet job."
I tried to hatch a plan that involved me standing in the shower all day and charging people to come and take a peak at me, standing in the shower all day.
It would be sweet. I figure all I would need is a constant supply of hot water, and a shower someplace that could handle a steady stream of people that would want to come and look at me. I could charge them (I don't know, by the minute or just a door charge, like $2 a minute or $5 just to get in and take a peek). would need to make enough to hire someone to keep the crowd moving and cover the cost of the hot water, maybe rent on a space to set this up... I suppose I could rent an auditorium and have groups of people come in, do like shows, where I would be standing in the shower behind a curtain and people would shuffle in and find their seats and then the curtain would lift and people could watch me, standing there being all warm and happy. I could do shows all day long.
DUDE! I know you are thinking: "oh, he is just talking shit" but you know what, I could make a shitload of money doing this FOR REAL! Get a myspace page or something, get it on the news or something and YOU KNOW there would be any number of people that would pay some cash to come and check it out and talkshows would have me on to talk about what the fuck am I doing standing in the shower all day and what it my motivation ("Well, actually I was cold and I thought HEY...") and after a few weeks it would die down or there would be others doing the same thing but getting corporate sponsors tattooed on their asses (not me, though, I would be doing it for the people, I ain't no sell out)(well, except for charging people to stare at me)...
I guess the main problem with this is that standing in the shower for hours or days at a time sounds FANTASTIC at 4:30 in the morning before I have to go to work. I have tried this at other times on the weekend and it just doesn't seem the same, although I am more than willing to stand in the shower until all the hot water is gone... and I suppose that when it is nice and warm out I will feel differently... hmmnnn...
So, considering (as I did) that I couldn't stand in the shower all f'in day I tried to hatch a new plan, one that involved me playing hooky... First thought involved me hiding until there was noone left in the house and then crawling back into bed.. this had many problems associated with it... Second thought was to take the bus in as normal, ride it all the way in to town, past my usual stop, go deep into the heart of downtown, and find a bar that opens at 6am that is not all scuzzy and full of bums, you know, one of those NICE places where normal working stiffs like myself go at 6am... So, find a bar, go to it, sit down, and have a Guinness... maybe some early morning bar food. And then another Guinness and maybe a shot of some good whiskey. Just sit there for a while, until I come to the realization that:
A) I can't sit here all friggin day drinkin
B) I am loaded, shit, now what do I do
C) I am full of regret at this bad idea
Then I have to try and figure out what to do with my time, and end up wandering the city all loaded while people are getting to work or otherwise going about their daily routines... The problem being that I lack vision. Lack the ability or something something that results in me losing my panties and being photographed getting out of a car, a wild beaver out in the public eye... I would have nothing to say to the friendly bartender that asks me what I am doing sitting in a bar all day ("I am tired and wanted to play hooky and now I don't know what to do")... but you know, I can't think of any scenario that involves me playing hooky and saving a burning orphanage or chili-dog factory... you know, meaningful shit...
Uh, damn, where does that leave me? That's right...
The Daffodil Motel!!!
This place would probably cover all my places. From what I hear, they have mirrors on the ceilings, free movies, biker bar just down the street (walking distance) and most likely there are cameras and/or peep holes cut into the room... maybe I should check myself in and buy some drugs from the fine folks in the room next door, get some beer at the Indian store and treat myself to a lonely drug fueled solo orgy (my hands were all over myself, I just layed back and let it happen)... now THAT sounds meaningful...
Actually, that was just an excuse for me to put up a picture of the Daffodil... this girl I used to know WAY WAY back used to torture me and my friend by telling us how her boyfriend took her there and their were mirrors on the ceilings and they did all sorts of nasty things, the most memorable involving his ability to somehow lift her up over his head up to the ceiling... one of those things that has haunted me all these many years...
oh, and I was going to mention, yesterday we had a party, some of you were there... we had a pinata shaped like a horse, but nowhere to hang it, we had not really considered this... my idea was to just put it on the floor and let all the little girls just rip it apart... I was advised that I had suggested something very stupid ("you are a stupid asshole" I think was the quote) so we got some string and the stick from the window and it was thought that I could hold it up while little girls swung a full size baseball bat at it, and of course I have seen any number of clips on TV or on the Internet that involved Dads getting pounded in the nuts by little kids with baseball bats, so I was hesitant... I mentioned that I was not sure this was a good idea, and I think I was called a big puss ("You are a big puss!" I think was the actual quote) which of course motivated me to throw caution to the wind and I agreed that I would do this thing... but we were still working out the finer details ("Just get up on the fucking chair you stupid asshole pussy fag" were my instructions, literally) and I was standing there and my friends were watching with embarrassment (for my wife being married to a big retard) when their daughter, cute little 4 year old, asked them in the sweetest little voice WTF was I up to... They told her I was trying to find some balls and figure out how to hang the pinata... She looked at them and said, it a nice loud little girl voice: "IS HE GOING TO HANG IT OFF HIS PENIS?!?"
Normally if someone said this, someone being an adult or in my imagination, I would say something about not being to reach it or some other such thing that would generally mean that I was saying I had a BIG one... excessively large so that the idea was not feasible... but when a 4 year old says it I can't really do that... She knew what she was doing, too... said it loud enough to try and cause some discomfort... but damn, she had the concept down perfectly... she KNEW that just saying penis would get a nice reaction, but having the ability to not only use the word but to use it in a context like that, it was pure brilliance...
I was at a loss, I just kinda stared at her and thought of all the things I couldn't say, no retort possible, and SHE KNEW IT... she was soooo smug... she knew that she couldn't be disciplined too much because there was a crowd, she KNEW we couldn't react too strongly, and she KNEW that she had said something funny and awkward... BRILLIANT!!! She will take over the world one day... I can imagine having to answer to her in about 16 years... youngest dictator in the world... and I will bring her her tea... damn...
For the record, no, we did not hang the pinata from my penis as noone would be able to reach it and stuff... so we hung it from this thing we use to block the window... and the kids hit the pinata with the bat but never hit me (yay!) and the hook thingy broke off the pinata before any real damage had been done to it and the pinata fell to the ground and was in perfect condition, so the kids pounded on it while it was on the ground (it was beautiful) and they would have had to spend an hour or more banging and banging on this friggin thing (I swear, next year I am going to make the pinata myself, old school) and after all the kids had a chance I took a couple swings at it... friggin thing didn't break like I wanted, what I wanted was a huge explosion with candy shrapnel all over... So I grabbed the goddamn horse and grabbed the top and ripped it to shreds... shook the candy out all over the floor and screamed at the kids "GO GET IT!!!" they howled, I howled, there was bloodlust in the air... I had to take a couple deep breathes to calm down so I wouldn't end up killing anyone...
That's about it, the end...
I have just about had it with this friggin winter bullshit. I have not been warm for 2 months, I swear. Even half the time, laying in bed, under a down comforter with the heat cranked up to 1000 I'm not getting warm. Well, actually, sometimes when I get up close to my old lady I get kinda warm, but only one side, so either my front or back ends up still being friggin frosty. Dude, so I am all friggin cold in bed, and I am tough and not really complaining about it until now, but my neck gets cold, and then the muscles (mighty mighty ropes of high tensile steel that they are) get all bunched up in knots... so I end up all friggin crippled all day... and I don't mention it cause then people might offer me a massage or something and I really can't abide by that... not that I mind people putting their hands on me and all, but I am afraid of what might happen if the tension slips away. Worse case scenario results in my crapping myself, slightly better scenario leaves me sitting here with a boner (hooray for boners!!!) and somewhere between the two has someone standing behind me making faces as their fingers entwine with the silky soft hair on my back...
So I lay there quietly, shivering, with a sore neck, sobbing into my pillow, trying not to wake any of the people that have found their way into my bed... and when I have finally come to terms with it all and am ready to settle in to a fitful sleep the gadwdamn alarm goes off... The clock says 4 but I know it is actually closer to 3:50... I set the alarm early to give myself a buffer... so I jump out of bed and turn it off so as not to wake anyone up. Seriously, I bet the alarm goes off for maybe 8/10ths of a second before I am up and turning it off... and as cold as it is in the bedroom it is even closer in the rest of the apartment... and dark because ITS THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!! So I stumble around trying not to step on anything pointy or hard or cornery... No sun to wake me up, no 3 little birds sitting by my doorstep, etc., etc... just a big hot cup of coffee to get me motivated...
Today, though, this is not enough... I am tired, and cranky and cold and tired ( I know I said it twice) and ready for this shit to be over... I went outside this morning, to catch my bus and the cars were all covered with frost, heavy sparkly frost. The parking lot was slick. There were stars in the sky, where they belong... I had to stand by the road... in the early early morning, when people see you standing on the side of the road, they all somehow slide on over closer to the line... I know what it is, they see me, they turn their heads, when they turn their heads to the right their car goes to the right... I am used to it, for the most part, but when the semi's and delivery trucks come rolling up on me and their wheels are right on the line I get a LITTLE FREAKED OUT... Dude, I have stood next to airplanes, fully loaded 747's, as they taxi down the runway, engines howling, and they do not compare to the feeling of a friggin semi rollin at me in the dark cold morning... when it rains it is worse, they throw up this friggin spray and I end up getting, uh, sprayed in the face and misc other body regions by, uh, water... dirty dirty water...
Dude, the thing is, I am tired of bitching about it, either to myself or others...
"Hey, it sure is cold out, eh?"
"Yeah, it sure is."
So I was standing there, in the shower, thinking, because it was somewhat warmer there, warm enough so that I wanted to stand there all day, and I was thinking"
"Damn, I would like to stand here all day!"
and
"Too bad I can't get paid to stand here all day. That would be a sweet job."
I tried to hatch a plan that involved me standing in the shower all day and charging people to come and take a peak at me, standing in the shower all day.
It would be sweet. I figure all I would need is a constant supply of hot water, and a shower someplace that could handle a steady stream of people that would want to come and look at me. I could charge them (I don't know, by the minute or just a door charge, like $2 a minute or $5 just to get in and take a peek). would need to make enough to hire someone to keep the crowd moving and cover the cost of the hot water, maybe rent on a space to set this up... I suppose I could rent an auditorium and have groups of people come in, do like shows, where I would be standing in the shower behind a curtain and people would shuffle in and find their seats and then the curtain would lift and people could watch me, standing there being all warm and happy. I could do shows all day long.
DUDE! I know you are thinking: "oh, he is just talking shit" but you know what, I could make a shitload of money doing this FOR REAL! Get a myspace page or something, get it on the news or something and YOU KNOW there would be any number of people that would pay some cash to come and check it out and talkshows would have me on to talk about what the fuck am I doing standing in the shower all day and what it my motivation ("Well, actually I was cold and I thought HEY...") and after a few weeks it would die down or there would be others doing the same thing but getting corporate sponsors tattooed on their asses (not me, though, I would be doing it for the people, I ain't no sell out)(well, except for charging people to stare at me)...
I guess the main problem with this is that standing in the shower for hours or days at a time sounds FANTASTIC at 4:30 in the morning before I have to go to work. I have tried this at other times on the weekend and it just doesn't seem the same, although I am more than willing to stand in the shower until all the hot water is gone... and I suppose that when it is nice and warm out I will feel differently... hmmnnn...
So, considering (as I did) that I couldn't stand in the shower all f'in day I tried to hatch a new plan, one that involved me playing hooky... First thought involved me hiding until there was noone left in the house and then crawling back into bed.. this had many problems associated with it... Second thought was to take the bus in as normal, ride it all the way in to town, past my usual stop, go deep into the heart of downtown, and find a bar that opens at 6am that is not all scuzzy and full of bums, you know, one of those NICE places where normal working stiffs like myself go at 6am... So, find a bar, go to it, sit down, and have a Guinness... maybe some early morning bar food. And then another Guinness and maybe a shot of some good whiskey. Just sit there for a while, until I come to the realization that:
A) I can't sit here all friggin day drinkin
B) I am loaded, shit, now what do I do
C) I am full of regret at this bad idea
Then I have to try and figure out what to do with my time, and end up wandering the city all loaded while people are getting to work or otherwise going about their daily routines... The problem being that I lack vision. Lack the ability or something something that results in me losing my panties and being photographed getting out of a car, a wild beaver out in the public eye... I would have nothing to say to the friendly bartender that asks me what I am doing sitting in a bar all day ("I am tired and wanted to play hooky and now I don't know what to do")... but you know, I can't think of any scenario that involves me playing hooky and saving a burning orphanage or chili-dog factory... you know, meaningful shit...
Uh, damn, where does that leave me? That's right...
This place would probably cover all my places. From what I hear, they have mirrors on the ceilings, free movies, biker bar just down the street (walking distance) and most likely there are cameras and/or peep holes cut into the room... maybe I should check myself in and buy some drugs from the fine folks in the room next door, get some beer at the Indian store and treat myself to a lonely drug fueled solo orgy (my hands were all over myself, I just layed back and let it happen)... now THAT sounds meaningful...
Actually, that was just an excuse for me to put up a picture of the Daffodil... this girl I used to know WAY WAY back used to torture me and my friend by telling us how her boyfriend took her there and their were mirrors on the ceilings and they did all sorts of nasty things, the most memorable involving his ability to somehow lift her up over his head up to the ceiling... one of those things that has haunted me all these many years...
oh, and I was going to mention, yesterday we had a party, some of you were there... we had a pinata shaped like a horse, but nowhere to hang it, we had not really considered this... my idea was to just put it on the floor and let all the little girls just rip it apart... I was advised that I had suggested something very stupid ("you are a stupid asshole" I think was the quote) so we got some string and the stick from the window and it was thought that I could hold it up while little girls swung a full size baseball bat at it, and of course I have seen any number of clips on TV or on the Internet that involved Dads getting pounded in the nuts by little kids with baseball bats, so I was hesitant... I mentioned that I was not sure this was a good idea, and I think I was called a big puss ("You are a big puss!" I think was the actual quote) which of course motivated me to throw caution to the wind and I agreed that I would do this thing... but we were still working out the finer details ("Just get up on the fucking chair you stupid asshole pussy fag" were my instructions, literally) and I was standing there and my friends were watching with embarrassment (for my wife being married to a big retard) when their daughter, cute little 4 year old, asked them in the sweetest little voice WTF was I up to... They told her I was trying to find some balls and figure out how to hang the pinata... She looked at them and said, it a nice loud little girl voice: "IS HE GOING TO HANG IT OFF HIS PENIS?!?"
Normally if someone said this, someone being an adult or in my imagination, I would say something about not being to reach it or some other such thing that would generally mean that I was saying I had a BIG one... excessively large so that the idea was not feasible... but when a 4 year old says it I can't really do that... She knew what she was doing, too... said it loud enough to try and cause some discomfort... but damn, she had the concept down perfectly... she KNEW that just saying penis would get a nice reaction, but having the ability to not only use the word but to use it in a context like that, it was pure brilliance...
I was at a loss, I just kinda stared at her and thought of all the things I couldn't say, no retort possible, and SHE KNEW IT... she was soooo smug... she knew that she couldn't be disciplined too much because there was a crowd, she KNEW we couldn't react too strongly, and she KNEW that she had said something funny and awkward... BRILLIANT!!! She will take over the world one day... I can imagine having to answer to her in about 16 years... youngest dictator in the world... and I will bring her her tea... damn...
For the record, no, we did not hang the pinata from my penis as noone would be able to reach it and stuff... so we hung it from this thing we use to block the window... and the kids hit the pinata with the bat but never hit me (yay!) and the hook thingy broke off the pinata before any real damage had been done to it and the pinata fell to the ground and was in perfect condition, so the kids pounded on it while it was on the ground (it was beautiful) and they would have had to spend an hour or more banging and banging on this friggin thing (I swear, next year I am going to make the pinata myself, old school) and after all the kids had a chance I took a couple swings at it... friggin thing didn't break like I wanted, what I wanted was a huge explosion with candy shrapnel all over... So I grabbed the goddamn horse and grabbed the top and ripped it to shreds... shook the candy out all over the floor and screamed at the kids "GO GET IT!!!" they howled, I howled, there was bloodlust in the air... I had to take a couple deep breathes to calm down so I wouldn't end up killing anyone...
That's about it, the end...
posted by Catfish at 10:19 AM
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