Ich wünsche zum Schweinefleisch Sie...
This guy was eyeballin' me on the bus, and I wasn't diggin' it, you see... We were rollin' down the road, somewhere near Boeing field, when I decided I had had enough. Apparently he had also.
We stood up, toe to toe and tried to stare each other down.
I was all like, "What's up!?!"
and he was all like, "What's better than Bacon?"
And I was all like, "Nothin!"
and then we kissed...
See, Bacon is the great unifier... Bacon is the problem AND the solution.
Problem: I don't have any Bacon.
Solution: Get some Bacon.
If you think about it, really hard, I expect that you will see that it is true.
Imagine if we sat down with North Korea and tried to discuss this whole Nuclear Bomb thing. They would be all like, hey, America, Screw You! and we could be all like, Ahh, baby, come here. Sit down and have some Bacon.
They would have no recourse but to sit down and eat some Bacon with us, because noone can resist a nice piece of Bacon. And while they are sitting there, eating their Bacon, perhaps with a nice cold glass of Orange juice we could just strike up a conversation and pretty soon, by the time the bacon was done, we would have a deal... Best to make sure you have plenty of Bacon on the plate though, nothing more frantic and scary than looking down and seeing 1 piece of Bacon left. Everybody be eyein' it, trying to figure if they have the balls to reach down and take it... I always get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when there are people sharkin about and there is only 1 piece of Bacon left. I get completely sick to my stomach when I hesitate and someone else takes it. I sit there looking at the empty plate, with maybe just a few crumbs of fat left... sad...
I ain't shittin' you here... think about this:
Noone ever really fights about a BLT... Cause its got Bacon in it, Yo! Oh, sure, there may be some dicussions about what kind of bread should be used (definately White, soft soft white bread) and perhaps there may be a debate on the merits of real Mayonaise vs. Salad Spread (definately Mayo)... Some may not like tomato or lettuce, one or the other... but it doesn't really matter, because noone is going to risk getting into some big ass fight and not getting their bacon... I mean it... People will make concessions... they will go ahead and have the wheat bread, the Miracle Whip... They will even eat it if the bread is toasted a little too heavy, all because of the Bacon.
This would never happen with a TLT... Add turkey to the mix and people would all start spitting at each other and ripping hair out...
WTF do you mean you ain't got no white bread for my TLT? You SUCK! No, You SUCK! Lick it... I have always hated you, and this is just another example...
etc. etc... Although, if it was FAKE turkey, like, say, TORKEY, imitation turkey made from Pork, that would probably make a difference. I would think at length about it but risk emotional scarring from the possibilities... all those wasted thanksgivings, when we could have been cutting into a Turkey made from Pork products...
Hey, screw you... Yeah, you... I know what you are thinking... Hey, asshole, they call that HAM!
NO NO NO!!! You just don't get it, do you? What kind of communist are you?
I know what ham is... I am talking about something shaped like a turkey, stuffed with stuffing, like a turkey would be, but (and I have a big but here, heh) it would be made of processed Pork product, and by processed Pork product I mean Jimmy Dean sausage. You could have original style turkey, HOT style, Sage TORKEY, or maple TORKEY. And it would come pre stuffed, with bacon and/or Chorizo. DUDE, link sausage...
OK, I got it now, ok.. so the perfect Thanksgiving or Festivus meal would be a HOT TORKEY, stuffed with link sausages wrapped with bacon slices... HOLY?!?! You know what I just thought of? I just though, OH, hey, what about the gravy... DUDE... I am so excited I can barely type... Sausage gravy!!! like you get with some biscuits and gravy... Yeah!!! You can put it on your mashed potatoes, right, but you know if will run off the potatoes and end up running into the TORKEY and stuffing... WHEW... I am getting a head rush just thinking about it... better put your salad in a salad bowl... hmmnn, salad... with Bacon Bits... Damn...
I have this perfect picture in my head of the table all spread out... I can smell it... I can see my plate... I cut into the slice of TORKEY on my plate, scoop up some stuffing, stabbing into the TORKEY to hold the stuffing on, slide the whole deal through the sausage gravy and stuff it into my mouth... wipe my chin to get the drool and fat... OH MY, only one thing missing, now I have a boner... Gotta pour some Uncle Dans dressing over the whole thing... GAWD!!!
My heart is all pitter pattering now... it is almost like being in love... WOW!!!
Second most beautiful vision I have seen in the last 24 hours...
Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh...
***
HOLY SHIT!!!
For xmas I got this CD from my lovely wife (she's HAWT!!!) and the only reason I mention this particular present is because it is ROCKING MY ASS OFF!!!
For real, when I say, HOLY SHIT I truley mean it this time...
WOLFMOTHER
Dude, they are like Deep Purple, Black Sabbath, some Zeppelin, Jethro Tull, RUSH and other ass kicking bands all rolled into one. I figured I would might find one song or another that was kinda catchy, worth listening to, you know... but I listened to the whole thing through like 3 times in a row now, and I can find nothing I do not like...
They have this song called White Unicorn. I scoffed when I saw the title... I was all like, oh really, white unicorn, huh... what a bunch of pusses...
I WAS SO WRONG!!!! It makes me SO happy to listen to it... I was listening to it while I was thinking about the TORKEY dinner and the resulting boner ripped right through my pants and hit the desk like a hammer (Hammer of the Gods). BAM!!!
Serious...
Here, check it out: WOLFMOTHER
SHIT! they were just in Seattle 3 weeks ago. DAMMIT!!! Ahh, well, they will be back.
They have a pretty cool site HERE twith an audiplayer so you can here some of their stuff, links to other videos, etc...
They are the first step in my quest to rock hard again. I hear there is good recent hard rock that I can enjoy, so I am going to find it... Any suggestions? Feel free to send them my way and I will tell you if you are full of shit or not...
***
For the record, for xmas I got 2 books that I am excited about, this rocking cd, a digital camera from my brother, some new vintage beer shirts, a benjamin (I think the kids call them)... I think that is about it...
The lovely lady seems to love the PDA I got her. I was really sweating it... I was expecting this look of disgust to cloud her pretty face, perhaps even having to go to the emergency room to have it surgically removed from my A-hole... but yeah, she seems to really appreciate it... sweet...
The girls got a bunch of stuff, most particular though, is this karaoke dance party game for the Gamecube. It is basically a mircophone that you plug in and get to perform and shit... they have this judging that happens, and if you really suck they boo you off the stage... If you sing like an Angel (like my angel) you get like a bajillion points and super prizes like more songs or costumes and such... Anyhow, the Noner LOVES it... she is singing and singing and singing, doing a little dance, throwing some emotion into it... it is the cutest thing EVER!!!
Yeah...
We stood up, toe to toe and tried to stare each other down.
I was all like, "What's up!?!"
and he was all like, "What's better than Bacon?"
And I was all like, "Nothin!"
and then we kissed...
See, Bacon is the great unifier... Bacon is the problem AND the solution.
Problem: I don't have any Bacon.
Solution: Get some Bacon.
If you think about it, really hard, I expect that you will see that it is true.
Imagine if we sat down with North Korea and tried to discuss this whole Nuclear Bomb thing. They would be all like, hey, America, Screw You! and we could be all like, Ahh, baby, come here. Sit down and have some Bacon.
They would have no recourse but to sit down and eat some Bacon with us, because noone can resist a nice piece of Bacon. And while they are sitting there, eating their Bacon, perhaps with a nice cold glass of Orange juice we could just strike up a conversation and pretty soon, by the time the bacon was done, we would have a deal... Best to make sure you have plenty of Bacon on the plate though, nothing more frantic and scary than looking down and seeing 1 piece of Bacon left. Everybody be eyein' it, trying to figure if they have the balls to reach down and take it... I always get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when there are people sharkin about and there is only 1 piece of Bacon left. I get completely sick to my stomach when I hesitate and someone else takes it. I sit there looking at the empty plate, with maybe just a few crumbs of fat left... sad...
I ain't shittin' you here... think about this:
Noone ever really fights about a BLT... Cause its got Bacon in it, Yo! Oh, sure, there may be some dicussions about what kind of bread should be used (definately White, soft soft white bread) and perhaps there may be a debate on the merits of real Mayonaise vs. Salad Spread (definately Mayo)... Some may not like tomato or lettuce, one or the other... but it doesn't really matter, because noone is going to risk getting into some big ass fight and not getting their bacon... I mean it... People will make concessions... they will go ahead and have the wheat bread, the Miracle Whip... They will even eat it if the bread is toasted a little too heavy, all because of the Bacon.
This would never happen with a TLT... Add turkey to the mix and people would all start spitting at each other and ripping hair out...
WTF do you mean you ain't got no white bread for my TLT? You SUCK! No, You SUCK! Lick it... I have always hated you, and this is just another example...
etc. etc... Although, if it was FAKE turkey, like, say, TORKEY, imitation turkey made from Pork, that would probably make a difference. I would think at length about it but risk emotional scarring from the possibilities... all those wasted thanksgivings, when we could have been cutting into a Turkey made from Pork products...
Hey, screw you... Yeah, you... I know what you are thinking... Hey, asshole, they call that HAM!
NO NO NO!!! You just don't get it, do you? What kind of communist are you?
I know what ham is... I am talking about something shaped like a turkey, stuffed with stuffing, like a turkey would be, but (and I have a big but here, heh) it would be made of processed Pork product, and by processed Pork product I mean Jimmy Dean sausage. You could have original style turkey, HOT style, Sage TORKEY, or maple TORKEY. And it would come pre stuffed, with bacon and/or Chorizo. DUDE, link sausage...
OK, I got it now, ok.. so the perfect Thanksgiving or Festivus meal would be a HOT TORKEY, stuffed with link sausages wrapped with bacon slices... HOLY?!?! You know what I just thought of? I just though, OH, hey, what about the gravy... DUDE... I am so excited I can barely type... Sausage gravy!!! like you get with some biscuits and gravy... Yeah!!! You can put it on your mashed potatoes, right, but you know if will run off the potatoes and end up running into the TORKEY and stuffing... WHEW... I am getting a head rush just thinking about it... better put your salad in a salad bowl... hmmnn, salad... with Bacon Bits... Damn...
I have this perfect picture in my head of the table all spread out... I can smell it... I can see my plate... I cut into the slice of TORKEY on my plate, scoop up some stuffing, stabbing into the TORKEY to hold the stuffing on, slide the whole deal through the sausage gravy and stuff it into my mouth... wipe my chin to get the drool and fat... OH MY, only one thing missing, now I have a boner... Gotta pour some Uncle Dans dressing over the whole thing... GAWD!!!
My heart is all pitter pattering now... it is almost like being in love... WOW!!!
Second most beautiful vision I have seen in the last 24 hours...
Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh...
***
HOLY SHIT!!!
For xmas I got this CD from my lovely wife (she's HAWT!!!) and the only reason I mention this particular present is because it is ROCKING MY ASS OFF!!!
For real, when I say, HOLY SHIT I truley mean it this time...
WOLFMOTHER
Dude, they are like Deep Purple, Black Sabbath, some Zeppelin, Jethro Tull, RUSH and other ass kicking bands all rolled into one. I figured I would might find one song or another that was kinda catchy, worth listening to, you know... but I listened to the whole thing through like 3 times in a row now, and I can find nothing I do not like...
They have this song called White Unicorn. I scoffed when I saw the title... I was all like, oh really, white unicorn, huh... what a bunch of pusses...
I WAS SO WRONG!!!! It makes me SO happy to listen to it... I was listening to it while I was thinking about the TORKEY dinner and the resulting boner ripped right through my pants and hit the desk like a hammer (Hammer of the Gods). BAM!!!
Serious...
Here, check it out: WOLFMOTHER
SHIT! they were just in Seattle 3 weeks ago. DAMMIT!!! Ahh, well, they will be back.
They have a pretty cool site HERE twith an audiplayer so you can here some of their stuff, links to other videos, etc...
They are the first step in my quest to rock hard again. I hear there is good recent hard rock that I can enjoy, so I am going to find it... Any suggestions? Feel free to send them my way and I will tell you if you are full of shit or not...
***
For the record, for xmas I got 2 books that I am excited about, this rocking cd, a digital camera from my brother, some new vintage beer shirts, a benjamin (I think the kids call them)... I think that is about it...
The lovely lady seems to love the PDA I got her. I was really sweating it... I was expecting this look of disgust to cloud her pretty face, perhaps even having to go to the emergency room to have it surgically removed from my A-hole... but yeah, she seems to really appreciate it... sweet...
The girls got a bunch of stuff, most particular though, is this karaoke dance party game for the Gamecube. It is basically a mircophone that you plug in and get to perform and shit... they have this judging that happens, and if you really suck they boo you off the stage... If you sing like an Angel (like my angel) you get like a bajillion points and super prizes like more songs or costumes and such... Anyhow, the Noner LOVES it... she is singing and singing and singing, doing a little dance, throwing some emotion into it... it is the cutest thing EVER!!!
Yeah...
Labels: bacon, pork, rock, WOLFMOTHER, xmas
posted by Catfish at 9:29 AM
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