In my Underoos I tend to be brief
If I were an automobile, at this point I thing I would be a 72 Ford Ranger. All beat up and rusty and shit. One of those trucks that noone really wants to ride in because you are scared you are probably going to break down out in the boonies or something. Heat doesn't work all the time, either works really good and you are too hot or doesn't work at all and you end up with ice on the INSIDE of the window. Knobs all broke off so you have to use pliers to tune the radio, power steering is all loosey goosey, plenty of play, you dig... mismatched tires and the gas mileage sucks... Yep, that's me... Oh, yeah, the seat is ripped so you have to throw some old blanket you got in Mexico over it...
That's just the way it is... Serious... One of those classic rides that you get with a dream of fixing up one day, straightening out the body and giving it a nice paintjob and shit, but you never really get around to it and pretty soon the only time you use it is when you need to haul some wood or your friends are moving and want to borrow it. See, the metaphor? See it? Basically I feel all beat down and tired, but I keep on keeping on the same as I ever have. I want to fix this beater up, beef it up, all shiny shiny, but I will probably never get around to it... See it now? Yeah...
Now, if my old lady were a vehicle, I would have to say that she is one of those high performance fighter jets... Like a screaming eagle or something, but lets jazz it up a bit... lets call her a Screaming Fox (cause she's foxy, you dig) or a Screaming Beaver (HEH)... she is a fine performing machine. All stealthy like, swooping in to kick ass... getting the job done, leaving devastation in her wake... People see her coming and they are all like, Holy Shit!!! and duck for cover, you know, if they are on the wrong side... If they are friendlies they are all like calling in for support, gimme an air strike at coordinates blah blah blah, and she goes screaming overhead and suddenly there is a bright flash of napalm and sudden fire along the tree line... She kicks ass, really... that's all I'm trying to say... that and that she is super fine and stuff... and I want to do loop de loops and some twisty twirly acrobatic stunts with her... Yeah...
***
My youngest daughter will kick your ass!!!
Serious... I will put her up against anyone at any time. She will leave you a quivering mess when she is done with you. She will wear you down, completely twist your mind... after about 5 minutes with her your fight or flight instinct will kick in, and if you are smart you will run... cause you can't win in a head to head fight with her. If you are able to run, do so at top speed, and don't look back, don't just kinda run a few feet away and try to regroup, she hates that. If you run, just keep running. If you decide to fight, feel free to put up some sort of token resistance, if it makes you feel better. Ultimately though it would be best if you just fell to the ground and played dead. She will still kick you and shit while you are laying there, but it really is for the best to offer no resistance and try to find your happy spot. She seriously kicks ass, dude. I totally fear her... I bet she can sense this.
I said no to her once... once... I know better now. Typically, the stance I take at this point is one of two.
1) If she wants something of me I just do it. That's it, I just do it.
2) I don't do it and IMMEDIATELY try to Zen out. Unfocus the eyes, relax the mind, try to become one with the universe... immediately. I learned this in the CIA... In case you get captured and tortured and don't want to go insane you gotta just relax...
See, my youngest daughter uses diabolical techniques... thank goodness she doesn't know enough about electricity yet to use that... but she does use the repetition technique, alternating that with hella loud noises and she also has this thing were she looks unbelievably cute, kinda lulls you into a false sense of safety, then she strikes... Dude, she also does this thing were she looks unbelievably sad, huge tears hanging in her eyes, super pouty face, pure heartbreak... this one makes you feel like a huge asshole for even trying to do whatever it was you were trying, or saying, or even just looking at her...
ME: "Hey, don't play with that Cobra!"
HER: super sad pouty face..
ME: "I am such an asshole. I'm sorry honey!!!"
Some of my major offenses against her recently:
1) Trying to turn the channel during a commercial
2) Making her brush her teeth/get ready for bed/go to bed
3) Making her wear socks/underwear
4) Making her quit abusing the computer
5) Looking at her
I am such an asshole... she is really benevolent... a good soul... it ain't her fault that she occasionally needs to put the smack down... it's in her nature...
Uhh, whats that called? Yeah, I think I have the Stockholm syndrome... where I start to identify with my captor and shit... damn... she is good...
***
Things I am tired of hearing about in the news:
1) Britney/Paris/Lyndsey, etc... WTF, don't we have anything better to do that hear about these bitches... I find no value in any of them (except when I get to see their boobs, that's kinda fun)
2) Iraq - Serious dude, we lost... we should never have gone there, are doing it completely wrong and they hate us...
3) Everything associated with Iraq - Specifically Bush and his people, but to a lesser extent everything else... tired of, uh, all of it...
4) Seattle Transportation
5) Cops getting killed - WTF... now I ain't really a big fan of cops in general (as authority figures) but really, someone needs to put the smack down. If this was Israel this shit would never happen. Dudes would be carrying friggin' automatic rifles all over. They tell you to freeze by putting a cap in your ass. If they went rolling into a party to investigate some shit the first thing they would do is shoot someone in the knee, just to get everyones attention, and then start strip searching everyone (thats mostly cause Israeli girls are hot)... uhh, lost my train on that one,
To hell with it, I am hating the news lately... same things over and over and nothing really changes... mostly a bunch of bitching and moaning...
What I really want to see in the news is: .
Sexy local man wins a bajillion dollars in Lottery, walks with a limp after breaking foot off in coworkers ass...
And then the story would go on to talk about how sexy I am and suddenly even sexier because I am worth a bajillion dollars and how I was completely justified in breaking my foot off in anyones ass and how I should sue for the pain and suffering.
And how my wife is a fox... yeah
That's just the way it is... Serious... One of those classic rides that you get with a dream of fixing up one day, straightening out the body and giving it a nice paintjob and shit, but you never really get around to it and pretty soon the only time you use it is when you need to haul some wood or your friends are moving and want to borrow it. See, the metaphor? See it? Basically I feel all beat down and tired, but I keep on keeping on the same as I ever have. I want to fix this beater up, beef it up, all shiny shiny, but I will probably never get around to it... See it now? Yeah...
Now, if my old lady were a vehicle, I would have to say that she is one of those high performance fighter jets... Like a screaming eagle or something, but lets jazz it up a bit... lets call her a Screaming Fox (cause she's foxy, you dig) or a Screaming Beaver (HEH)... she is a fine performing machine. All stealthy like, swooping in to kick ass... getting the job done, leaving devastation in her wake... People see her coming and they are all like, Holy Shit!!! and duck for cover, you know, if they are on the wrong side... If they are friendlies they are all like calling in for support, gimme an air strike at coordinates blah blah blah, and she goes screaming overhead and suddenly there is a bright flash of napalm and sudden fire along the tree line... She kicks ass, really... that's all I'm trying to say... that and that she is super fine and stuff... and I want to do loop de loops and some twisty twirly acrobatic stunts with her... Yeah...
***
My youngest daughter will kick your ass!!!
Serious... I will put her up against anyone at any time. She will leave you a quivering mess when she is done with you. She will wear you down, completely twist your mind... after about 5 minutes with her your fight or flight instinct will kick in, and if you are smart you will run... cause you can't win in a head to head fight with her. If you are able to run, do so at top speed, and don't look back, don't just kinda run a few feet away and try to regroup, she hates that. If you run, just keep running. If you decide to fight, feel free to put up some sort of token resistance, if it makes you feel better. Ultimately though it would be best if you just fell to the ground and played dead. She will still kick you and shit while you are laying there, but it really is for the best to offer no resistance and try to find your happy spot. She seriously kicks ass, dude. I totally fear her... I bet she can sense this.
I said no to her once... once... I know better now. Typically, the stance I take at this point is one of two.
1) If she wants something of me I just do it. That's it, I just do it.
2) I don't do it and IMMEDIATELY try to Zen out. Unfocus the eyes, relax the mind, try to become one with the universe... immediately. I learned this in the CIA... In case you get captured and tortured and don't want to go insane you gotta just relax...
See, my youngest daughter uses diabolical techniques... thank goodness she doesn't know enough about electricity yet to use that... but she does use the repetition technique, alternating that with hella loud noises and she also has this thing were she looks unbelievably cute, kinda lulls you into a false sense of safety, then she strikes... Dude, she also does this thing were she looks unbelievably sad, huge tears hanging in her eyes, super pouty face, pure heartbreak... this one makes you feel like a huge asshole for even trying to do whatever it was you were trying, or saying, or even just looking at her...
ME: "Hey, don't play with that Cobra!"
HER: super sad pouty face..
ME: "I am such an asshole. I'm sorry honey!!!"
Some of my major offenses against her recently:
1) Trying to turn the channel during a commercial
2) Making her brush her teeth/get ready for bed/go to bed
3) Making her wear socks/underwear
4) Making her quit abusing the computer
5) Looking at her
I am such an asshole... she is really benevolent... a good soul... it ain't her fault that she occasionally needs to put the smack down... it's in her nature...
Uhh, whats that called? Yeah, I think I have the Stockholm syndrome... where I start to identify with my captor and shit... damn... she is good...
***
Things I am tired of hearing about in the news:
1) Britney/Paris/Lyndsey, etc... WTF, don't we have anything better to do that hear about these bitches... I find no value in any of them (except when I get to see their boobs, that's kinda fun)
2) Iraq - Serious dude, we lost... we should never have gone there, are doing it completely wrong and they hate us...
3) Everything associated with Iraq - Specifically Bush and his people, but to a lesser extent everything else... tired of, uh, all of it...
4) Seattle Transportation
5) Cops getting killed - WTF... now I ain't really a big fan of cops in general (as authority figures) but really, someone needs to put the smack down. If this was Israel this shit would never happen. Dudes would be carrying friggin' automatic rifles all over. They tell you to freeze by putting a cap in your ass. If they went rolling into a party to investigate some shit the first thing they would do is shoot someone in the knee, just to get everyones attention, and then start strip searching everyone (thats mostly cause Israeli girls are hot)... uhh, lost my train on that one,
To hell with it, I am hating the news lately... same things over and over and nothing really changes... mostly a bunch of bitching and moaning...
What I really want to see in the news is: .
Sexy local man wins a bajillion dollars in Lottery, walks with a limp after breaking foot off in coworkers ass...
And then the story would go on to talk about how sexy I am and suddenly even sexier because I am worth a bajillion dollars and how I was completely justified in breaking my foot off in anyones ass and how I should sue for the pain and suffering.
And how my wife is a fox... yeah
posted by Catfish at 9:13 AM
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