Cleaning up...

It was still raining out, down down down fell the rain.
She stood in the rain outside the shop where the gypsy was, looking for her car. She was always losing her car, she always blamed it on the idiots that design parking lots like this. It was never her fault, although it WAS always her fault. The lot really only held about 20 cars tops, and it was only half full, and there was only 1 baby blue car in the lot, and she was standing right in front of it, but for some fucking reason, she could just not see it. Oh, she found it after a while, but damn...
She dug in her pocket for her keys, front right, where she normally kept them. Not there. She checked her other pockets:
Right front, nothing.
Right rear: a napkin and a straw.
Left rear: another straw and some sugar packets (they were rapidly getting damp from the crap in her pants, really soaking it up, although she would not realize this and later she would take them out of her pocket when she went to wash her pants, leave them laying around until they eventually got dry again, and then use them when she ran out of sugar for her rice krispies one day)
So, no keys, what the fuck. She went to her car and looked in the window. Yep, there they were, right there in the ignition. Damn!
She stood there getting wetter and wetter. White shirt turned transparent, and apparently, whatever it was that she had stuffed her bra with was VERY absorbent and being absorbent like this, it was absorbing all the water coming down on her. And getting heavy. And big. The weight was forcing her "boobs" down down down. She looked at her boobs pointing south and thought to herself "everything is always on the way down" and she thought of this phrase, which she really didn't understand, but wanted to apply to the situation, "everything that rises must converge". Yes, she thought to herself, it must converge. She felt very deep at that moment, although she was completely wrong, the phrase had nothing to do with her current situation, she was using it completely wrong. Stupid.
She thought about what to do, thought long and hard... She thought to herself that most people would get completely pissed in this situation and do something angry, maybe she should try that. So she banged on the roof of her car. Then she hit her window. Then she shook the car. Then she yanked on the door handle, and the door opened. Oh, she thought, how funny, and she got on in.
She started up the car and cranked the heat up. It had already been steamy in there, but now it got really steamy and smelly. Like a tropical dung heap or something. Steam was rising from her jeans, she itched between her toes (she had an itch, she didn't reach down and itch) and whatever it was she had stuffed her bra with began to rapidly dry (what the hell was that stuff)... She wiped a small hole in the fog on her windshield and went home.
Finally home, she drug herself inside. What a day. She tried to be friendly with her neighbor but she was really old and said mean things and held her nose and made the evil eye at her. This was pretty normal.
She got to her door, unlocked it, and cracked the door, just a little bit. Everytime she came home her cat tried to escape. She was an indoor cat, she told herself all the time, and would never survive in the outside world. Actually the cat would do just fine, she just wanted to escape and find a nice family to settle in with, oh well.
So she cracked her door open, and pushed the cat back with her foot. The cat scratched and hissed and did its damnedest to get out, but was kinda overwhelmed by the stench and ended up backing away.
She got in, closed the door and sighed. It was still early in the day, but she felt the day was done.
She went in and started peeling off her wet clothes. Starting with her shoes. She sat on the couch and had to work at them, the laces were wet and all knotted up, she squirmed and squirmed, staining her couch in the process. No big deal, when she discovered it she would just flip the cushion over, and find an even bigger stain on the other side, so she would flip it back over again and think about getting a new couch.
She got her shoes off, and started peeling off the rest of her clothes. Shirt came off just fine and she threw it into the washing machine. She pulled her bra off and threw that in too. Whatever it was that she had stuffed her bra with was completely dry now, and stuck to her skin, a few inches below her tiny little titties, like some sort of papier mache (say it, Pah-pee-eh Mah-shay). She pulled at it and a couple layers came off, but the base layer was stuck tight to her skin, like a patch. Hhhmnnn...
The peeled off her pants and took everything out of her pocket. 2 straws (check), a napkin (check), some sugar packets (check), and layed them on the dryer. Threw her pants in the wash. She pulled off her panties. They were kinda stuck to her, and by kinda stuck I mean that she was able to pull down from the sides and they turned inside out, but the crotch stuck to her. She had to bend her legs out to the sides a bit and pull at the same time. It sounded like someone pulling a boot out of the mud and they came unstuck from her. They were, of course, full of poo. But at least it was a solid mass and little bits didn't fall on the floor. She threw her panties in the wash. She threw some detergent in (Baby soft detergent, which really doesn't clean worth a shit) and started the washer on up. Unfortunately (as she would find out in a few days) she left the lid open and the water level was on low, so all that happened was the water came up to barely cover the clothes and then just sat there, getting all soupy. Chunky even. And even after she found this out and washed them for real the next time, the damage was done, her favorite pants in the world forever had a funny smell to them (funny to her) and were kinda crisp and rough.
She had to walk all funny to the bathroom, she was all itchy and pooey and stuff. She took a good long look at herself in the mirror. She was kind to herself, but she remembered how good she looked after the spa treatment in heaven and thought that maybe, just maybe, she should try to clean herself up a bit (well, besides getting the poo off and trying to get the "whatever it is she stuffed her bra with" stuff that was stuck to her off. She started up the water to fill the tub and watched over her shoulder, the cat would normally come running to attack her when she did this (cat would come up and launch itself, claws a blazing, at her ass, trying to find the fish, yo)... Sure enough, the cat came running, really tearing it up, launched herself into the air, looking like some sort of furry missile, eyes full of fire and claws glinting in the light. Then it got a confused look on its face (in mid-air). Claws disappeared, body started twisting, eyes frantic with fear and/or disgust. The momentum was too great and it had twisted just enough to that it smacked sideways into her dirty ass. She landed and ran away. She would never be the same, couldn't bring herself to lick herself clean (gross) and even after trying to rub the crap off every available corner in the apartment, there was still come left, which was left to dry and cake up and stink forever more. Stupid cat.
She got into the tub while it was still filling and layed on back. Let the water do the work she thought to herself. she sat back and closed her eyes as the tub got fuller and fuller.
Good news: The "whatever it was that she had stuffed her bra with stuff" absorbed the moisture and came loose from her skin, actually floated away.
Bad news: Other things also came loose from her skin (poo) and floated to the top.
She didn't open her eyes for a good long time, turned the water off with her foot. When she DID finally open her eyes she could see shit (literally) floating in the water around her (pieces of undigested lettuce, some noodles, other plain old brown pieces). She was like an island and the shit was like so much flotsam and jetsam (not the band, although they do suck ass) washing up on the shores of her skin. She let it, for a while. But the water was kinda, well, not so clear, kinda grey and dirty, so she finally did the right thing, and got on up and let the water out. She stood there watching the water spiral on down the drain, slowly, very slowly. The drain was getting clogged with shit. She had to reach down and keep pulling shit away from the drain so the water would go down. In the end she was left with, well, shit, littering the tub. Chunks were still stuck to the drain, and as she stood there, more was falling off of her. Damn!
So she started up she shower and tried to wash it all down, out of the tub. This didn't work so she eventually had to turn off the water and wipe it out with some toilet paper and throw it in the toilet.
She got back into the tub and started the shower back up. She grabbed some soap and a loofah and started scrubbing, she was like a woman possessed all of a sudden. She scrubbed her ass until it shined (shine on you crazy diamond). She scrubbed her beaver till all the klingons were gone. Top to bottom she scrubbed herself clean. She grabbed the rust shaving device she had sitting there, soaped up her pits and shaved them clean. Perfect and smooth, didn't cut herself or nothing.
This was about where her attention to detail stopped.
She soaped up her legs (and her toes, hey, no big deal, people get hair on their toes) and started scraping. Shaved her toes, then up one calf and then the other. Toes ended up hair free, one calf was relatively hair free, somehow she completely missed the very front of both shins so there was a stripe of hair running down them, top to bottom, missed her actual knee caps (got above and below, and around most of one of them, but the other still had a patch of long hair just sitting there. DUDE, she completely skipped her thighs. what the fuck! Wouldn't really be a big deal, as far as most people are concerned, but she hadn't done any maintenance in so long they were actually pretty hairy, in a bad way. Very bad.
she remembered how clean she had looked "down there" after the angels had gotten done with her, so thought she would give it a go. It took her a while to figure out the logistics, but eventually got all soaped up and in such a position as would allow her to reach, She started WAY on back around the taint (look it up) and started scraping. She was careful, but damn there was a lot of hair "down there". She had to make multiple passes. She got over there... and over there on that one spot. Up either side of her flinky, right down the middle of the flink, got nice and smooth all deep down there. Mostly.
She was just left with a savanna there right on top, like a tropical rainforest (I think I mentioned, not really like a savanna)... She took a moment to visualize the art she wanted to create. She got all soaped up and dug on in. Started on the left, right in the hip socket, and started shaving, slowly working her way towards the middle, visualizing an imaginary line running from her belly button down (although she didn't really need to use her imagination as she had a happy trail running from her belly button on down, which she would neglect to do anything about). But instead she used her imagination. She got a nice straight line on the left then started in on the right, same as the left, in the hip socket. She was like Michael Jordan or something, tongue hanging out, concentration on her face, sweat on her brow... total focus. Scrape, rinse, scrape, rinse, repeat... Slowly a nice landing patch was taking shape (should have gone with a dainty triangle, but hey, that's just my preference) and eventually she had it all ship shape. A nice patch of hair, completely vertical, perfect (although the hair that was left was itself at least two inches long and could probably be formed into a mohawk). And just in time too, the hot water was running out. She took one last moment to rinse herself off and turned off the water. There were pubes ALL OVER the tub. Clogging the drain, again, but she just left it.
She got out and dried herself off, enjoying the feeling of the air reaching places it normally didn't. Cool and breezy. Ahh, soft... she wished she had someone to show, someone that might appreciate it...
She patted herself a couple extra times, you know, just to make sure she was completely dry, and decided to take a look at herself in the mirror. She didn't notice the happy train coming down from her bellybutton, or the hair on her thighs. Didn't notice the line of hair going down the front of her shins. All she noticed was were there used to be a forest was down an almost completely denuded landscape... Something didn't look right though. She marked it up to just the shock of seeing her bare skin for the first time since she was a little girl, although I know what the problem is.. It's plain as day...
She did a fantastic job, and really I am proud of her, but she is off center. Instead of having a nice strip straight down the center, she is off to the right a bit. Dead center is about a fingers width off to the left. Sure, it was completely vertical, crisp precise lines (although, really girl, trim it down) but the symmetry was all off. Made it look like she was lopsided or something...