Shake -a-puddin, yo!!!

Back in the day, when my ancestors were savages, they would not be sitting around like this, thumbs up their asses. Serious, they would be all like:
HEY, LET'S GO FUCK SOME SHIT UP!!!
For real...
They must be looking down (or up) at me right now and be thinking to themselves:
HEY!!! WHY ISN'T HE FUCKING SHIT UP?!?! HE'S JUST SITTING THERE... STICKING PAPERCLIPS UP HIS NOSE.
They would be looking around for their clubs and spears and nunchucks to abuse me with, maybe just hit me up side the head with their big meaty paws...
I know this for a fact, 'cause, you see, as I sit here, waiting, thinking, and sticking paperclips up my nose, I feel like fucking shit up. Not like I am sitting here doing some soul searching and have come to an educated well thought out conclusion that what the moment calls for, right now, is for someone like me to take action and seriously fuck some shit up... No. It is more of something that is crawling up my spine. Some sort of boiling, whats it called, genetic influence, perculating in my brain chemicals... I can feel it in my joints and my back... I look at the random objects sitting on my desk and have long ago determined which of them would make the best weapon (either as a projectile or a hand to hand combat weapon) and even how to use such weapon to inflict the most possible bodily harm...
But you know, that would be a hell of a sight... Mighty me, rising up to kick some serious ass or otherwise randomly fuck shit up... flailing about like some sort of brocoli man with spaghetti arms, crying and screaming... not spaghetti arms like thin and long, no, more like spaghetti arms that, when you get hit with them, it feels like someone flung a cold wet piece of spaghetti at you and it stuck on your face, just for a second, and then was gone leaving just maybe a hint of dampness or something... then I would have to stop and catch my breath...
then I could start flailing about again, maybe knock your coffee over or something...
The savages would really have a freak out at that point... it would be like they would just look at each other with their mouths hanging open and be so incredulous that they wouldn't be even speak to each other... then they would piss themselves in rage and other stuff...
In the meantime, I sit here eating sudafed and drinking coffee, trying to work up the courage to go kill a bum along the traintracks or something (just to watch him die)...

***
The closest I came to being gay this year:
This chick at work, see, I was coughing, and she was all like, "Do you want a lozenge?" and I was all like, "yeah", which was cool, since I had been stealing a few from her here and there anyhow, which is cool since I give her all the change I sometimes have in my pocket just for the hell of it, so it was like I had been paying for something I didn't even know I was paying for all along... but I like to call it stealing...
So she throws this lozenge at me and I catch it (good catch) and I was all like, "hey, these are tasty" and she said something about the stuff in the middle, and this is the gay part, I was all like, "it's cool, cause you suck and suck and suck on these things and in the end you suddenly get this thick tasty treat to swallow and you are all like, Uh, do I like that or not, but you are stuck with it (cause you can't just spit it out, that would be RUDE!!!) and in the end you are all like, that was not so bad, AND your cough is gone"...
How gay is THAT?!?! I didn't even realize what was happening until it was all over (heh) and suddenly I was all like, I am so gay...

***