I brazillian wax poetic, I don't beat around the bush...
Seeing as how it is the end of the year, and everyone who is anyone is coming up with plans for the next year, I figured I would spell out my plan... Since I AM SOMEBODY!!! I know it is true because I have it taped to the mirror in my bathroom... I have the O's in somebody cut out so when I read it I can see my eyes through them so it looks like I AM somebody (cause the eyes with the word make me look like the word... oh, you get it)...
OK, then:
1) Be more deliberate... I am not sure what that means, but I think it has something to do with being focused, less sitting back and waiting for things to happen AND I am choosing to believe that it means not putting up with as much shit... THAT, my friends, is a goal... In an interview it would go something like this:
Them: What are your goals for the coming year?
ME: My goal is not to put up with as much shit!
Them: That is the kind of attitude we are looking for, you are hired!!!
ME: Yea!!!
2) To be more Frugal... I am not really sure how that goes, but I think it has something to do with not stopping at the mini mart on the way to work all the time, not buying shit out of the vending machines, or eating BBQ every Thursday... Uh, I am sure there are other opportunities I have for being frugal, and I will be fine with them, as long as it doesn't involve walking around my house in a bathrobe because I won't turn the heat on... Eat out (at restaurants) less, more PORK, pork is cheap... I am sure there is more than money involved with being Frugal, perhaps a savings of TIME and/or other things like that that don't actually involve spending, but trading? Trading of this for that, etc... anyhow...
3) To be over the top sexy... I know, I know, you are thinking, DAMN!!! dude, what are you going to do, turn it up to 11? DUDE! it is already at eleven. Eleven is not enough. This coming year I am going to turn it up to 12 or 13 or 42. I am going to hit the big red button that gives me a turbo boost of sexy. I will battle other sexy men and after I defeat them there will be a quickening that leaves me even sexier than before. Women will be all histerical... HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH!!! they will shrieking... Then they will faint, but not before they throw their panties at me... Well, let me tell you, I want to be so sexy that it starts fistfights... People will be coming up to me, getting all touchy feely, just out of the blue, and I will be all coy like, let them cop a quick feel, maybe give me a reach around, then I will push them away... Stop it, I will say. This will CRUSH them, probably... IT will be like I am St. Peter and they are knockin on the gates of heaven, and I will say, NO THANK YOU, YOU GO NOW...
I will be so sexy that I will get cease and desist orders, and when I don't I will get sued... When I go up in front of a jury of my peers I will be aquitted, but the trial will drag out for months and months because, when I get up on the stand to defend myself, they will keep asking me personal questions and the judge will have to keep calling a recess so everyone can go spank the monkey...
So sexy that I will have to join the union... trust me on this one...
So sexy that if you look up sexy in the dictionary it will say to see me, and when you go to see me it will just have a full page picture and a definition as follows: Sigh!!!
So very very sexy that I will have to shower and get dressed in the dark, because if I see myself naked I would never leave the house...
On ebay the bidding for a pair of my underwear will reach record dollar amounts, don't be fooled, though, I don't wear undies, they will be fake... but for 20 dollars I will put some on and wear them for a couple hours, maybe run on the treadmill, then send them to you... of course I will include a picture for authentication purposes... NO, sorry, you can't take the pictures... My poor poor wife will have to do that... Poor dear won't get any rest...
4) Continue to not read my Horoscope... Have been letting this one roll over for about 4 years now... I don't believe in horoscopes, only science...
5) Do it on a train... thats right... I will be flexible with this one, though... train doesn't have to be moving and IT doesn't have to be anything beyond 3rd base... although the runner WILL attempt to steal home...
6) Don't kiss ANY boys... not even in the bathroom at work where the light has been burnt out over the urinals for weeks now and 80% percent of the fella's here are fella's, if you know what I mean... and I think you do.
7) Take more pictures... lots and lots of pictures AND upload them to Flickr
8) Get a 3% raise... that one should be easy... not much of a goal... but realistic...
9) Write less CRAP...
10 ) Have so much money that I am able to wipe my butt with it, pennies mostly... rolls of pennies, like in the old days when people used corn... then I will put them back in circulation:
I've been sticking $30 in pennies up my ass for the past 11 years! That's 3,000 pennies a day; 21,000 pennies a week; 1,092,000 pennies a year! To date that's 12,012,000 pennies, 8 times the population of Nebraska. Those pennies were in my ass! You think you're better than me? Oh, you're not better than me. You handle my ass pennies everyday. You pick up my ass pennies for good luck. You throw my ass pennies in fountains and make wishes on them. You give my ass pennies to your little daughter to buy gumballs with.
Damn, this is getting too complicated... seems like a lot of work... I think I will downgrade them from "goals" to "suggestions" or "filler"... it will be better that way... that way if I don't do it on a train or say, accidentally kiss a boy, I will not be all dissapointed a feel like a failure...
I think I will think about it for a while... My fiscal year doesn't start until April, anyway... April 13th... That is where it all begins and ends... Because that is my and my old lady's anniversary, and before that, there was NOTHING... my life, and thus, the rest of the world, began on that day some 10 years ago... so... that gives me 4 months to finalize my goals... which is really cool, since by then many of ya'll will have failed already and I will just be starting...
My main goal, right now, is togo to lunch 5 minutes early... Mission Accomplished... Goals are fun...
OK, then:
1) Be more deliberate... I am not sure what that means, but I think it has something to do with being focused, less sitting back and waiting for things to happen AND I am choosing to believe that it means not putting up with as much shit... THAT, my friends, is a goal... In an interview it would go something like this:
Them: What are your goals for the coming year?
ME: My goal is not to put up with as much shit!
Them: That is the kind of attitude we are looking for, you are hired!!!
ME: Yea!!!
2) To be more Frugal... I am not really sure how that goes, but I think it has something to do with not stopping at the mini mart on the way to work all the time, not buying shit out of the vending machines, or eating BBQ every Thursday... Uh, I am sure there are other opportunities I have for being frugal, and I will be fine with them, as long as it doesn't involve walking around my house in a bathrobe because I won't turn the heat on... Eat out (at restaurants) less, more PORK, pork is cheap... I am sure there is more than money involved with being Frugal, perhaps a savings of TIME and/or other things like that that don't actually involve spending, but trading? Trading of this for that, etc... anyhow...
3) To be over the top sexy... I know, I know, you are thinking, DAMN!!! dude, what are you going to do, turn it up to 11? DUDE! it is already at eleven. Eleven is not enough. This coming year I am going to turn it up to 12 or 13 or 42. I am going to hit the big red button that gives me a turbo boost of sexy. I will battle other sexy men and after I defeat them there will be a quickening that leaves me even sexier than before. Women will be all histerical... HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH!!! they will shrieking... Then they will faint, but not before they throw their panties at me... Well, let me tell you, I want to be so sexy that it starts fistfights... People will be coming up to me, getting all touchy feely, just out of the blue, and I will be all coy like, let them cop a quick feel, maybe give me a reach around, then I will push them away... Stop it, I will say. This will CRUSH them, probably... IT will be like I am St. Peter and they are knockin on the gates of heaven, and I will say, NO THANK YOU, YOU GO NOW...
I will be so sexy that I will get cease and desist orders, and when I don't I will get sued... When I go up in front of a jury of my peers I will be aquitted, but the trial will drag out for months and months because, when I get up on the stand to defend myself, they will keep asking me personal questions and the judge will have to keep calling a recess so everyone can go spank the monkey...
So sexy that I will have to join the union... trust me on this one...
So sexy that if you look up sexy in the dictionary it will say to see me, and when you go to see me it will just have a full page picture and a definition as follows: Sigh!!!
So very very sexy that I will have to shower and get dressed in the dark, because if I see myself naked I would never leave the house...
On ebay the bidding for a pair of my underwear will reach record dollar amounts, don't be fooled, though, I don't wear undies, they will be fake... but for 20 dollars I will put some on and wear them for a couple hours, maybe run on the treadmill, then send them to you... of course I will include a picture for authentication purposes... NO, sorry, you can't take the pictures... My poor poor wife will have to do that... Poor dear won't get any rest...
4) Continue to not read my Horoscope... Have been letting this one roll over for about 4 years now... I don't believe in horoscopes, only science...
5) Do it on a train... thats right... I will be flexible with this one, though... train doesn't have to be moving and IT doesn't have to be anything beyond 3rd base... although the runner WILL attempt to steal home...
6) Don't kiss ANY boys... not even in the bathroom at work where the light has been burnt out over the urinals for weeks now and 80% percent of the fella's here are fella's, if you know what I mean... and I think you do.
7) Take more pictures... lots and lots of pictures AND upload them to Flickr
8) Get a 3% raise... that one should be easy... not much of a goal... but realistic...
9) Write less CRAP...
10 ) Have so much money that I am able to wipe my butt with it, pennies mostly... rolls of pennies, like in the old days when people used corn... then I will put them back in circulation:
I've been sticking $30 in pennies up my ass for the past 11 years! That's 3,000 pennies a day; 21,000 pennies a week; 1,092,000 pennies a year! To date that's 12,012,000 pennies, 8 times the population of Nebraska. Those pennies were in my ass! You think you're better than me? Oh, you're not better than me. You handle my ass pennies everyday. You pick up my ass pennies for good luck. You throw my ass pennies in fountains and make wishes on them. You give my ass pennies to your little daughter to buy gumballs with.
Damn, this is getting too complicated... seems like a lot of work... I think I will downgrade them from "goals" to "suggestions" or "filler"... it will be better that way... that way if I don't do it on a train or say, accidentally kiss a boy, I will not be all dissapointed a feel like a failure...
I think I will think about it for a while... My fiscal year doesn't start until April, anyway... April 13th... That is where it all begins and ends... Because that is my and my old lady's anniversary, and before that, there was NOTHING... my life, and thus, the rest of the world, began on that day some 10 years ago... so... that gives me 4 months to finalize my goals... which is really cool, since by then many of ya'll will have failed already and I will just be starting...
My main goal, right now, is to
Labels: ass pennies, goals, sexy
posted by Catfish at 11:56 AM
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