It was great...

So I totally go all oiled up last night. It was FANTASTIC.
I made sure to wear my man panties, you know, to show a modicum of decency, but somehow I ended up getting my butt all greased up. I thought it was an accident at first but then she started talking about how most peoples problems revolve around the fact that they have too much tension in their asses and she told me she was going to do something special and there were some big words being thrown around, most of which I didn't understand but I believe I did hear the word colon 5 or 6 times. She told me to relax and take it like a man, which I thought was kinda odd.
I was totally relaxed and couldn't see a thing because of the little pillow she had me put my head in, but I thought I saw some flashes of light every once in a while. Anyhow, she kept pushing and pulling on my muscles and at one point I heard her whisper something like "oh my"... not like you just dropped something, but more like that seen in Bull Durham after Crash went on and on about long kisses that last a week and shit... Oh My!!!
She was dumping more and more oil on me, really getting it all over the place, you know, and all of a sudden I saw stars. I wasn't sure what was going on at first then I realized that she had stuck her finger up my butt...
Long story short, she commented upon how flexible I was and suggested I come back...
I felt great when I left, full of energy and all loosey goosey, you know...
Was driving through Covington and thought about what I had said yesterday about picking up some stray and trying to work a freebie out of her... Had my eyes out, I was feeling all sexy... Didn't see much going on, saw some scruffy looking dudes at the 76 station, thought they might be looking for some excitement, but then I started thinking about My Own Private Idaho and decided against it...
So I decided to take it on home, you know, why go out for dinner when you got a whole fridge full of cold cuts, eh? So I got home and it was all quiet and warm, could hear some people having a party next door, gentle breeze was blowing, sexy sexy night...
Noone was home, I was all alone...
I went into the kitchen and got big glass of ice water... took it into the living room and got myself down on the floor. I reached for the remote control, felt it all hard and cool in my hands... I closed my eyes and hit the big red button. I could hear the gentle hum of the tv turning on and the gentle cheer of the crowd, the crack of the bat... ooohh, runners on first and third, yeah... the pitcher winding up, gripping the ball, he lets it fly...
Ahhh, high and outside... full count... yeah... Heres the wind up, and the pitch, YEAH!!! got him standing, strike three, retires the side... ahhhh....
I took a long cool drink of water, worked some of the ice out of the glass into my mouth... took the ice and started rubbing it on my neck and chest... the water beaded up on the oil... my man boobs were all tingly... I reached over to my left and grabbed a towel, clean, just washed, felt the rough cotton in my hands, turned it over and over, and folded it... mmmmmmmm... I put it next to me and reached for another, I folded it first one way then the other into a perfect square... aaaaaaa... I put it on top of the other one, or maybe I put the other one beneath this one... One was on top of the other and they just layed there... I reached into the pile... OH!!! a washcloth... and another one... OH YES... there must have been 6 or 7 of them... eeeeeee... I folded each one, slowly and luxuriously. If I had been any one of those washclothes I would have been in heaven at the gentle folding I was giving them... Soon... far too soon... the towels were all folded, but I wasnn't ready to stop, I was just getting warmed up... I reached into the pile and found a pair of jeans... ROUGH ROUGH jeans... I layed them out on the floor, gently but deliberately lined up the seems... smoothed them out... shook them out, you dig.. let them know I was in charge... then I folded them once... gently patted them... then quickly folded them again... BAM!!! Yeah... them jeans were folded like they would never forget...
I smiled to myself, closed my eyes and reached into the pile... my fingers closed around something... Oohh, whats this?!? I pulled it out of the pile and peeked through my eyes... OH, it was a shirt... I don't fold shirts... They go on a hanger... sigh... I through it over a chair... I closed my eyes and reached in again... Uhh, uhh... a sock... hehehee... nice soft clean tube sock... hhhhhh... Oh, but where is its match... can't just have one sock... where is its mate??? This wasn't right, I started getting frantic... desperate for it... I had to find the other sock... I ripped through the pile, I found another sock, but it wasn't it's mate... couldn't put them together... found another... and another... but couldn't find the sock that I could put together with this sock... I kept digging, deeper and deeper into the pile... where is it... it has to be here somewhere... got.. to.. find... the... sock... YES... OH YES... thats the spot, there it is... it was clinging to a goddamn shirt... I peeled the sock off the shirt, tossed the shirt over the chair... held one sock in my right hand, held the other in my left hand, and slowly brought them together... Angels sang... it was perfect... I folded them together and put them next to the pile of towels and washclothes... all of them, right there together... I sat back and just kinda watched them, the were oblivious to me in their folded glory... I couldn't take my eyes off them... I reached out and found the glass of icewater and was digging around in it for another piece of ice to rub on myself... when I heard something...
Someone was rattling the door... SHIT!!! I took my hand out off the glass and grabbed the remote control and started punching at buttons hoping to find a good combination...
Got the channel changed just in time as the family came running in... I tried to look innocent, like nothing was up... but it had to have been written all over my face, I mean, my god, there was a whole pile of folded laundry, just laying out there in the open...
Luckily noone noticed... whew... I got away with it... that was close...
I played it all off, non chalant like, but I was glowing inside... my own little secret... noone would ever have to know...
HEHEHhheee... I am still glowing... and plotting... I think I might have the house to myself tonight... and I happen to know there is a pile of clothes in the dryer just waiting for me to reach in and grab them... OH, DUDE!!! there are some DIRTY clothes in the hamper... dirty dirty clothes... they don't know what they are in for tonight!!! I am gonna stuff those clothes in the washer and cover them with soap... they are gonna get agitated and spun around, they won't know what hit them... then, when they think they are done I am going to pull them out, all sopping wet and comingled and TOSS them in the dryer, let them roll around and around and around... then, when they think it is all over I will gently pull them out and fold them... piles and piles of folded clothes all laying there...
I am voracious that way... and, you know what, if I find that I have the time, I might get a little kinky, maybe cross over to the other side, wink wink... you know what I mean... as long as I can get away with it and noone EVER finds out I think I might do some dishes... SHHHHhhhh...

The person who doesn't scatter the morning dew will not comb gray hairs.

Aaargggghhh...
My upper back, shoulders really, is so freakin' sore... wtf?!?
Tension or something...
You know how I dislike massage, or maybe it is just being touched or something... well, I feel like there is a midget with stubby little fingers standing behind me, oiling up his hands, and I am mostly naked and sitting in a suburban mall and there are a bunch of teenage girls walking by laughing at me because the midget with the stubby fingers is about to put his hands all over me... kinda tight, you know... Damn...
I am sitting here full of anticipation and shit, waiting for a message that never arrives but was promised to arrive many times... that might be the midget that is hovering behind me... I miss my wife, she's not a midget though... she's just busy... uhh, stuff like that...
I was asked the other day to describe my ideal job... I almost laughed because what I wanted to say would obviously not be what this person wanted to hear... See, in my ideal job I am the CEO and Founder of Studmuffin Enterprises.
We are a multinational limited liability company (llc) that provides training and expertise in a number of fields.
Mostly we run schools for hot highschool dropouts where they learn how to really slut it up... nightclasses, you know... Classes on how to be a professional fluffer, dressing for success, how to pass in society as a good girl when you are anything but, you know, typical stuff...
We have classes for boys too, nerds, mostly... we have classes designed to toughen them up where we subject them to hours of harrassment... after a while they develope a thick skin and all sorts of abuse will roll right off of them... we teach them self defense also, which involves either how to roll up into a tight little ball on the ground, protecting their heads and privates... or how to eventually explode into a ball of fury, flailing and swinging and crying hysterically... this is kind of an advanced class, the hard part being getting them to say the right things as they put all their energy into freaking out...
As founder and CEO I have the privilige of working closely with the students, I am a hands on kind of guy... I give to them the "real world" experience that will take them places... Noone graduates until they make it past me. For the fluffers, I am the final exam... they gotta fluff me up good or I will send their asses back to day one... For the Nerds, boy I ride their asses like nobodies business until they feel the rage just bubbling inside... I let them explode and take their fury out on me... I let them swing away and judge their impact, I listen to their sobbing screams and make the judgement as to how embarassed they will be about it later on... then I kick their asses, just a little bit... make sure they know their place... NERDS!!!!
Of course I am also fabulously rich and attractive...
Not sure that this response would get me too far... I told them something different, something relevant... They were still concerned that I might be overqualified and too senior(wtf?) and too hot and sexy (as one girl put it) to fit in there... I told them I could wear baggier pants if that would help... maybe colors that are out of my season so as not to accentuate my healthy glow... or they could just get used to it...
I'm not sure why they wouldn't want to hire someone who is super qualified and hot, I mean really...
OH, and I was going to mention, I am soooo through with these bullshit holidays... Pi day, I mean really... just another corporate holiday so the suits can try and make a bunch of money off of us... You better wear something with Pi on it or you might get pinched... damn... National steak and BJ day, yeah, right... too many problems with that to really get into... Ahh, bah humbug... scrooges abound... I need a holiday I could really get into, like national get your ass to a sunny beach and have a drink day... Hey, slap your guy/gal on the ass day... National sneak a picture of your wife in the shower day...
I don't know, something... but you know, regardless of what I came up with there would suddenly be some sort of market for things to go along with it... film, beach umbrellas, big plastic spanking hands, etc... and it would be all ruined... maybe I should start a secret holiday day... something only a few special people know about, we could form a committee and pick a day and decide what we want to celebrate on that day... and we will seal it with a kiss... a kiss of secrecy... makes it more personal that way... that way certain people will not feel the need to try and seduce the secret out of me... unless they really want to... some people are just hard coded that way... some people just can't help but try to seduce me...

You know what??? Deeez Nuttzzz

If I ever found myself in the position of knockin' the boots with some young gal, say, right out of High School, I think I would seriously mess with her mind. Because she didn't know any better... it would be sweet...
See, if we were "doing it" I would be all like, "oh baby, yeah baby" and then I would be all like, "Hey... stick your finger in my ear" or "you know what really turns me on, when you stick your finger in my ear"... she would be all confused and self conscious and probably go along with it because I am such a stud and shit, so she would do it, right...
So, I would see it coming, and I would be all encouraging her and stuff and when she stuck her finger in my ear I would say "OUCH" and slap her hand away and tell her "Damn, you can't just force it in there like that!!! Lick it first!" and so she would and, even though it would be freakin' sick, I would go along with it and make all sorts of high pitched moaning sounds... "oh... oh... OHHHHHH!!!" and "OOHhh, yeah, do it like that, yeah... ahhh" and crap like that...
She would probably think, at this point, that she was a magnificent lover and that there was a whole aspect of lovin' that she had been missing out on... Maybe she would enjoy it... Maybe I should do it to her... I would work it hard...
Then I would stick my fingers in her mouth and make her get them all slobbery and shit, I mean, really really juicy, you dig... then I would give her a big ass wet willy with her own slobber... yeah, and I would bang away at her with my wet fingers in her ear telling her how fantastic it is... "yeah, you like that, yeah" and I would twist my fingers around making sure to get it all over...
By this point she would be wondering if there was something wrong with her because she wasn't enjoying it and she should be... and then I would pull my fingers out of her ears and stick them back in her mouth so she could taste her own wax... still telling her how fantastic this all was... Her mind would be all blown by this point because of all the real pleasure I would be giving her contrasted with having a wet willy...
BUT... that ain't all... not nearly...
I would make sure that while we were doing it I had the weather channel on the TV, real loud... and I would be all bangin' away and shrieking like a monkey until the local weather came on... then I would shush her "shhh" and cock my head over to listen... Then I would be all starting out all slow and sensous and shit and telling her... "you hear that, baby, yeah, scattered showers... AHHHH. Yeah, you like them scattered showers? OOoohhh!!! Shhh... OH! lows in the 40's, yeah, nice and cold... oh baby... yeah... High of 57!!! DAMN!!! Did you hear that, High of 57!!!" and I would start getting rough, really banging away... Then I would be all like "YEAH!!! DOPPLER RADAR!!! OH FUCK, YEAH, DOPPLER... OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD... Ugghhhh... DOUBLE DOPPLER... OH SHIT, DOUBLE DOPPLER!!!!! UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"... And I would scream double doppler at her at that point and try to finish up before the local forcast is done... be all laying there panting... "oh I love the weather, oh I love the weather... hmmnnn doppler... hmmnnn"...
Then I'd make her go get me a beer and suggest that since she was up that she might wanna get going 'cause I was really tired and she doesn't want to worry her parents, but it was really great and we should do it again sometime... Oh, and maybe she shouldn't mention the ear thing, you know, 'cause it is kinda kinky...
And you know she would... she would tell all her friends, ask them if they ever heard of such a thing before... and they would be intrigued... Oh, sure, they would try to tell each other that I was a freak or something, but secretly they would be intrigued... and they would want to have sex with me also... So I would have to repeat the performance for her friends, but not all of them... maybe a couple of them... for the rest I would be normal (you know, super sexy and giving, sensitive and attentive, like I learned in my 3 years in the octagon)... and the ones I was all normal with would wonder what was wrong with them that I didn't want to stick my fingers in their ear and the others would wonder why I got all funky with them... why them... and who are the lucky ones... was it the ones that got the funky treatment or the others... who won? Really, who won? But baby, you're all winners... really, the pleasure was all mine...

I brazillian wax poetic, I don't beat around the bush...

Seeing as how it is the end of the year, and everyone who is anyone is coming up with plans for the next year, I figured I would spell out my plan... Since I AM SOMEBODY!!! I know it is true because I have it taped to the mirror in my bathroom... I have the O's in somebody cut out so when I read it I can see my eyes through them so it looks like I AM somebody (cause the eyes with the word make me look like the word... oh, you get it)...
OK, then:

1) Be more deliberate... I am not sure what that means, but I think it has something to do with being focused, less sitting back and waiting for things to happen AND I am choosing to believe that it means not putting up with as much shit... THAT, my friends, is a goal... In an interview it would go something like this:
Them: What are your goals for the coming year?
ME: My goal is not to put up with as much shit!
Them: That is the kind of attitude we are looking for, you are hired!!!
ME: Yea!!!

2) To be more Frugal... I am not really sure how that goes, but I think it has something to do with not stopping at the mini mart on the way to work all the time, not buying shit out of the vending machines, or eating BBQ every Thursday... Uh, I am sure there are other opportunities I have for being frugal, and I will be fine with them, as long as it doesn't involve walking around my house in a bathrobe because I won't turn the heat on... Eat out (at restaurants) less, more PORK, pork is cheap... I am sure there is more than money involved with being Frugal, perhaps a savings of TIME and/or other things like that that don't actually involve spending, but trading? Trading of this for that, etc... anyhow...

3) To be over the top sexy... I know, I know, you are thinking, DAMN!!! dude, what are you going to do, turn it up to 11? DUDE! it is already at eleven. Eleven is not enough. This coming year I am going to turn it up to 12 or 13 or 42. I am going to hit the big red button that gives me a turbo boost of sexy. I will battle other sexy men and after I defeat them there will be a quickening that leaves me even sexier than before. Women will be all histerical... HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH!!! they will shrieking... Then they will faint, but not before they throw their panties at me... Well, let me tell you, I want to be so sexy that it starts fistfights... People will be coming up to me, getting all touchy feely, just out of the blue, and I will be all coy like, let them cop a quick feel, maybe give me a reach around, then I will push them away... Stop it, I will say. This will CRUSH them, probably... IT will be like I am St. Peter and they are knockin on the gates of heaven, and I will say, NO THANK YOU, YOU GO NOW...
I will be so sexy that I will get cease and desist orders, and when I don't I will get sued... When I go up in front of a jury of my peers I will be aquitted, but the trial will drag out for months and months because, when I get up on the stand to defend myself, they will keep asking me personal questions and the judge will have to keep calling a recess so everyone can go spank the monkey...
So sexy that I will have to join the union... trust me on this one...
So sexy that if you look up sexy in the dictionary it will say to see me, and when you go to see me it will just have a full page picture and a definition as follows: Sigh!!!
So very very sexy that I will have to shower and get dressed in the dark, because if I see myself naked I would never leave the house...
On ebay the bidding for a pair of my underwear will reach record dollar amounts, don't be fooled, though, I don't wear undies, they will be fake... but for 20 dollars I will put some on and wear them for a couple hours, maybe run on the treadmill, then send them to you... of course I will include a picture for authentication purposes... NO, sorry, you can't take the pictures... My poor poor wife will have to do that... Poor dear won't get any rest...

4) Continue to not read my Horoscope... Have been letting this one roll over for about 4 years now... I don't believe in horoscopes, only science...

5) Do it on a train... thats right... I will be flexible with this one, though... train doesn't have to be moving and IT doesn't have to be anything beyond 3rd base... although the runner WILL attempt to steal home...

6) Don't kiss ANY boys... not even in the bathroom at work where the light has been burnt out over the urinals for weeks now and 80% percent of the fella's here are fella's, if you know what I mean... and I think you do.

7) Take more pictures... lots and lots of pictures AND upload them to Flickr

8) Get a 3% raise... that one should be easy... not much of a goal... but realistic...

9) Write less CRAP...

10 ) Have so much money that I am able to wipe my butt with it, pennies mostly... rolls of pennies, like in the old days when people used corn... then I will put them back in circulation:
I've been sticking $30 in pennies up my ass for the past 11 years! That's 3,000 pennies a day; 21,000 pennies a week; 1,092,000 pennies a year! To date that's 12,012,000 pennies, 8 times the population of Nebraska. Those pennies were in my ass! You think you're better than me? Oh, you're not better than me. You handle my ass pennies everyday. You pick up my ass pennies for good luck. You throw my ass pennies in fountains and make wishes on them. You give my ass pennies to your little daughter to buy gumballs with.

Damn, this is getting too complicated... seems like a lot of work... I think I will downgrade them from "goals" to "suggestions" or "filler"... it will be better that way... that way if I don't do it on a train or say, accidentally kiss a boy, I will not be all dissapointed a feel like a failure...

I think I will think about it for a while... My fiscal year doesn't start until April, anyway... April 13th... That is where it all begins and ends... Because that is my and my old lady's anniversary, and before that, there was NOTHING... my life, and thus, the rest of the world, began on that day some 10 years ago... so... that gives me 4 months to finalize my goals... which is really cool, since by then many of ya'll will have failed already and I will just be starting...

My main goal, right now, is to go to lunch 5 minutes early... Mission Accomplished... Goals are fun...

The Dr. is In...

Over the last week I came to the conclusion that I either stepped on a gypsies foot and she cursed me, or I am rotting from the inside out. I went through all the scenarios... from accidentally stepping on a some chicks foot and saying something about being sorry but the gypsy (cause that what she actually was) recognized me as someone that doesn't like gypsies (or midgets) and gave me the evil eye without me realizing it.. Dude, maybe snaggletooth is a gyspsy, that would explain things... and now I am cursed to having stomach distress...
Or otherwise I am rotting from the inside out... I narrowed this rotting down to either my lower intestines, greater stomach or my prostate is completely rotten through and it is spreading upwards and it will have to be cut out, and it probably spread to my left nut, so that will need to go, so they will have to replace my nut with one of those synthetic "Nads", for symmetry, and I will need to take double doses of Viagra or something in order to get the works erected... and knowing me I will take a dose in the morning and a dose at night, every day, just in case I have to perform at a moments notice, like if the bus is hijacked and I am taken captive by a band of horny pirate women and they will let one captive go per time I can copulate with them... and there will be like 20 of them (at least) and they will all be really hot, but I will cry the whole time, but it turns out that this actually turns them on, the crying... So it will be for the good of all the riders on the bus, you know, my being able to perform...
I knew this dude once, who had done so many drugs that he was completely burned out... couldn't do drugs anymore or he would like freak out or be out of service for days afterwords, or something like that... funny I never really asked him what would happen, only that it was bad...
So I was thinking, perhaps that is what happened, I ate so many bowl noodles and jalapenos and misc other hot and spicey things that I threw my body out of wack and now I am shot, can't eat anything with a hint of spice... if I do, my stomach freaks... and fluids start leaking out from wherever the hole has formed and I start digesting myself, creating a stench of rot and death... Now all I can eat is tapioca and noodles with no sauce on them, probably no more Uncle Dans, pizza rolls, poppers, and misc whiskey products... it will probably get to the point where it is seeping outta my skin, on my belly, right hand side, horizontal split in the skin, just up from the belly button... stains my t-shirts and you can't even shout it out...
OH MY GOD, what did the doctor say???
HUH? What dr.? I just told you, I diagnose myself. and I probably did a better job than an actual "Dr." would do. They would make me jump through some hoops, perhaps poop in a bag or cup or something, use it as an excuse to fondle my fella's, charge me for it, then tell me I am sick, just sick, but they would say it like, "look here you big puss, we have dying chirren in the lobby and you are wasting our time, you are JUST sick" and then they wouldn't give me any prescriptions for anything except what I could already get at the local Walgrens... bastards...
I need a real dr., someone I can trust, someone I can go to when I think I am dying, and they just give me a pat on the ass while they are giving me a big hug, tell me to stop by the pharmacy with these 3 pieces of paper (this will be our secret, ) and get some ginger ale while you are there... and the scripts are for some exotic psychological someting or others that makes everything look bright and I am full of energy and everywhere I go people try to play with my nipples. The other 2 scripts are just something simple, like bacon flavored cough syrup and some sort of something something that I can waive at the cops when they try to bust me for it... not the marijuana though... You know, I would probably even let the dr. take pictures of me, just for her personal records, you dig, just to maintain the relationship... show how much we "trust" each other, because having the trust between the dr. and the patient is very important...
Although, and I will let it rest after this, I imagine that in the end, I may be look back and say, DAMN, because they finally gave me the drugs but it is because I am SOOO far gone there ain't nothing left but making my last few days a little less painful... maybe too much meds, you know, a little wink wink if I wanted to take myself out... "Definately don't mix 3 parts this with 2 parts of that and drink a shot of whiskey, Mr. Wafer, that would probably kill you, quickly and painlessly. If you were to do something like that you would want to make sure you have all your affairs in order." And they would shake their heads at what a waste of a perfectly viable organic creature... sexy too...

**
p.s. I see that I got my second hit from my gloryhole tag. Freaky French Bastard...