Hello, my name is Catfish, and I have RLS

I went to the dr.
Dr. said I had RLS and sent me to see a Neurologist.
Neurologist said I had RLS and gave me 3 drugs, A and B and C, to take.
Drug A made me insane after a week.
I stopped taking it.
Drug B made me stoopid after a while.
I take less now.
Drug C makes me sleepy, very very sleepy, and stays in my system for 36-48 hours.
I take this every night, I am tired every day.
Drug A made my wife concerned and so I went back to the first dr.
Dr. said to take less of drug A and have a sleep study.
I did not take drug A.
I did go and have a sleep study.
Sleep study says I am 95% efficient at sleeping.
Sleep study neither proves nor disproves that I have RLS.
Neurologist says Hmm, and writes me a prescription for drug D.
Drug D was like a warm hug from inside on the first day.
Drug D was like a cranky girlfriend on day 2.
Drug D made me hurty all over, especially in the brain area, on day 3.
I stopped taking it.
I called the Neurologist on Day 4, she is not working.
Nurse says different doc. says I can come down for samples of something else.
Samples are 50 miles from current location, I say hell no.
Neuro calls me the next day.
I tell her the pills are hurty.
She says Hmmmnn.
She writes me a prescription for drug E.
Tells me Drug E is addictive, etc.
I tell her that Drug C is addictive also, etc.
She says Hmmm...
She suggests I go and see this other Dr.
Other Dr. might give me a prescription for Drug F.
Everyone has heard of Drug F and if you say you are taking drug F to people they go WOW.
Drug F, from what I hear, works fantastically for RLS.

Any Questions? I would love to play questions and answer... Like you ask me a question and I would post the question and the reply... Maybe that way I can figure out who the hell ya'll are... like the person in Federal Way that checks out my blog... or that someone from New York...
I only mention it because I feel like hearing from people, reaching out and shit... cuddling...
For real, I will cuddle with each and every one of you that asks... and I am soft and luxurious, you should check it out...

Aaarrghghg...

There ARE no Narwhals in the Puget Sound, nor are there any unicorns in the genral vicinity either. There are NO rainbows or fluffy bunnies or bluebirds floating around the 8th floor of the building on Western Avenue across from Ivars.
There are unhappy little monkeys, but they are not my monkeys, not naturally. They are not howler monkeys trying to climb out my butt and make a fuss... NO, I wish!!! No, these are other peoples foul little howler shit throwing monkies that are all gathered around, waiting, lined up and waiting turns to make a run for my ass...
I do not want other peoples howler monkeys flying UP (INTO) my butt...
I was sitting here this morning, right, and this dude who is in charge of me came in with a santa cap on, but it was one of those Dr. Seuss caps that kinda twirled up to a ball. He is sitting there with the puffy ball bouncing around, just visible above the cubicle I call home... he says to me, he says: Hey Catfish, listen to this email we got from your gal XXX...
I was all like, sweet, she loves me... then he read the most horrible email I have heard in a long time and it was sent to the PRESIDENT of the friggin company and it made long wild extended accusations about all sorts of shit... I had no idea what she was talking about, except for the part where she says I have been great...
So this email is floating around and there are groups of people, in 2's and 3's, gathering together in little huddles to discuss what's up and what should be up and what should have and what should have and my role and your role and aaaarrrrghhghghg....
If I had a whiteboard (like I asked for) I would make a list of things I need to do, except I woudln't, because I would be constantly erasing it and rewriting it because some new fucking thing has popped up that needs to bump the first couple things down, until later when someone asks me why the fuck #3 hasn't been taken care of yet, and I would point to #1 and #2 and then have to change them again because suddenly they ain't so important or they ARE still important but I am telling you to put #3 up to #1 so take care of #2 and #3 which used to be #1 and #2 ASAP and when do you think you can let me have a look at #4 and Oh, someone else just came over, with just a little bit more clout, but with a silly request that needs to be paid attention to for a couple hours until he forgets he asked for it in the first place...
So I drank a lo-carb monster energy drink and I feel like I am about to crawl out of my skin because I exceeded my threshold for caffeine compared to any meds I might take to take care of the silly uncomfortable malady I have, but goddamn if I don't just want to rip the top layer or 2 of skin off my legs right now... and my arms...
And the meds, the ones that don't do anything, they make me sleepy at times, so I need to move anyhow...
Somebody find me a puppy or something that will lick my hand... and I will pet it and everything will be just fine again... all I need it to pet something... or be petted... how about a nice slap on the ass and an ATTA BOY... GoddamnIT!!!!!!!!

Unicorns are gay, believe it or not!!!

So I was picking some of the last wild flowers for the year, you know, to press in my memories book, when this unicorn came walkin' up to me. Dudem, he was wicked drunk and he was trampling all over the flowers I was trying to pick...
I tried to ignore him, but he just stood there swayin' back and forth and looking down at the flowers then back to me then back to the flowers...
He finally made eye contact with me (dammit) and he said:
"I'm drunk!"
I was all like, no shit... but it came out like:
"Yeah???"
and he nodded his head and said something like yep or something...
Then he let this big fart, but it was all chunky and he got some dingle berries in his tail and I was all like:
"Jesus Christ!!! What have you been eating?!?" 'cause it was all stinky and chunky...
He kinda raised his head and said:
"HEY!!!" then he laughed and said "heh, HEY... HAY... HEY HAY, HEY HAY HAY..." and laughed and laughed and laughed and then puked all over the flowers I was trying to pick.
"Whoa..." he said, then started laughing again... "HEH, WHOA!!!"
I started walking away and the Unicorn screamed at me:
"Don't you want your flowers?!?!"
"Not after you just puked all over them!"
"There's nothing wrong with these flowers!" he said and started eating them... I couldn't believe it, but you know, I really could, 'cause Unicorns are gross evil creatures anyhow...
He came walking up to me and was waiving his horn in my face and started talking all sorts of shit...
"Unicorns aren't gay, you know..." he told me... "We really aren't. In fact, I don't know 1 gay unicorn! We be all about the ladies, you know what I mean?"
I was all like: "Dude, Unicorns are SOOO gay!!!"
and he was all like: "No, really, we aren't... You know what else??? Rainbows! Rainbows aren't gay either! You know why everyone thinks Rainbows are gay? It's because of the people that go searching for the pot of gold at the end. The pot of gold is owned by Leprichauns, and Leprichauns are total homo's!!! They have these big ol' pots with a little bit of gold at the bottom and when you bend over to grab the gold they sneak up behind you and totally force buttsex on you. Well, maybe they ain't completely gay, maybe they just like the back door action, you know, 'cause they do it to women too...".
Then he puked again... I thought about leaving but this was way too fascinating, so I stuck around.
"You know what? Women who drive Buick LeSabre convertables. All of them, total dykes.
He started going off at that point, into places I didn't want to be... and he stunk and I had a feeling that there was something going on anyhow, in the gay world, where they were trying to appropriate everything for themselves...
But then I started thinking, you know, I bet that is what that Unicorn wanted me to think... I mean really, Unicorns are totally gay, and not in one of those, "oh, that's totally gay!" kinda ways, but in one of those "all unicorns are total fags" kinda ways...
Then I got all confused, because there was nothing inherently evil about being gay, there were just some evil gay people... and I like most gay people.
So I went over to see my Narwhal friend and I told him about it and he was all like: "Dude! Pull your head out of your Ass! Of course he was fuckin' with you. Unicorns are of the Devil, and they are total homo's. And Rainbows are too! And chicks that drive Buick LeSabre convertibles. All that stuff is gay."
And I knew he was right, 'cause we had been friends for so long, you know, we could be totally honest with each other. Besides, Narwhals are straight shooters.

*********
So I went in for my sleep study last week... Thursday of last week... not I have to wait for 2 weeks for the dr. to look over the results and see if there is anything else wrong with me besides the RLS thing. It was interesting but I won't bore you the general details since all I really did was go in, get a bunch of wires hooked up to me and then went to sleep.
I will mention, that when you get there they measure your head and stuff and make marks all over your body with a red grease pen, then attach the electrods with a bunch of gloppy glue, then watch every move you make with a camera that can see in the dark...
I was only aware of a little bit of this when I started bein' all smooth up on the technician the next morning, like I do, you know, while she was plucking all the wires off... After she left I went into the bathroom and my hair was all over the place and I had red marks all over my face from the grease pen and globs of glue all over my face and I am pretty sure I smelled like hell from general morning odor type shit... damn...