I'm all crapped out...

This one time, about 15 years ago, maybe more, I was out drinking or something, and I was in Federal Way with some friends and we stopped at the Burger King and I had to take a wiz so I went into the bathroom and there were some punks in there but I didn't pay any attention to them, just went up to the urinal and started doing my thing, and all of a sudden one of the punks there said, Hey, there's a girl in here you know, and I looked over at them and realized that one of them was a chick, and I just shrugged my shoulders and kept on doing my thing and I was like, HEY, she's in the mensroom and this is what happens in the mensroom, it ain't like I would go into the mensroom and all of a sudden decide that I can't do the thing that you do in there just because some chick thought it would be funny to go in there, like, tee-hee, ain't I the adventurous and brave one, I am in the mens bathroom, tee-hee.
I think I thought of this because I just went into the mensroom here, right, and when you walk in the door there is this curtain hanging for some reason. When I went in the curtain was drawn all the way so I couldn't really take more than a step into the bathroom without having to draw the curtain back to get in... I mean, what the fuck? Someone standing at the door, say, a chick or something, wouldn't be able to see any of the good stuff without actually sticking her head in. You would have to physically stick your head in and LOOK around the corner just to see the area where the urinals are, right, and if you don't stick your head in and just kinda glance in you see the stalls... NOW, say someone had to take a crap and didn't want some random girl looking in and seeing them, well now, they would be IN the friggin' stall so basically not visible, except for their feet... AND the funny thing is, if this was the reasoning, that if you draw the curtains there is like 2 feet at the bottom, from the floor to the bottom of the curtain. So, even with the curtain drawn you can STILL see beneath the curtain to see, uh, 2 feet under the stall... So it accomplishes nothing... Actually, you know what it accomplishes??? It annoys the fuck out of me!!! Serious... I mean, you know my issues with using public facilities anyhow, I don't need any further obstacles to inhibit me further... Serious...
Uhh, I probably shouldn't, but I feel a need, along the same lines, to again apologize to the Strems for blowing out their toilet the other night... You see, for lunch I had had this Red Hot Shredded Beef and Bean Burrito that I got from the gas station down the road, and left on my desk for a couple hours before I ended up putting it in the fridge for a hour or so and ate it and shit... it was luscious... Anyhow, then I had a Grande Iced Americano on the way to the Strems hows... Then, AND THEN, we had fondue, which was really tasty, you know, but I think I focused too much on deep frying the cheese and little smokies... oh, and a couple Guinness... so my tummy was gurgling, you know, and I tried to sneak off to take care of it, but, I don't know, I was too conscious of the traffic on the other side of the door and the potential of being heard or something, couldn't focus, you know, couldn't get the job done... I tried one last time, thinking everyone was in the living room and it was real quiet and I was trying not to scream or grunt or anything, when, all of a sudden there is all these voices on the other side of the door... everyone was in the dining room setting up this game for us to play... so I had to abort the mission...
So we sit down to play this game, which involved interacting and shit, and drawing, which I suck at... and I am sitting there all sweating and my stomach would let out these huge rumbles and pops and stuff, and my mind was just not there... THEN... I had to get up and lean over the table to pick a card and Aaarrghghhh.... I tried to draw something, I think it was a hedgehog and something else, and all I don't know how to really draw a hedgehog, all I could think of was to draw some animal with a big dick on it, because, you know, Ron Jeremy is the hedgehog, but I figured I would be the only one that would get it, and after time ran out I jumped up, it was now or never, and never wasn't gonna wait... So I kinda nonchalant like slide into the bathroom, a good 3ft away from the table that everyone was gathered around... I tried to find something that would make a lot of noise, but couldn't find anything, so I just turned on the sink... it would have to do... I think it was enough... because I BLEW UP the toilet at that point... BAM!!! it is definitely ruined for normal people now... for real... and I felt MUCH better... I won't go into too much detail here, but let me say, I flushed once, but it wasn't enough, I flushed twice, and it still wasn't enough, but I was kinda self conscious at that point, that that flushing a third time would be TOO embarrassing, so I just grabbed some TP and kinda layered it in the toilet... slipped out of the bathroom kinda slick like and shut the door behind me... I apologized before we left, but really, felt I should offer up my apologies again... Hey, sorry about that!
I knew this one dude that liked to Poop in unusual situations... Like this one time, he climbed up to the top of this train trestle for the sole purpose of taking a crap off the top so it would fall like 50 ft to the ground... and this other time, we were at this party at this dudes house, and the dude was remodelling his house and there was this toilet sitting there in the corner that he was going to put in his new bathroom and this dude went over and took a dump in it, right there in the middle of the party... I think he crapped out of a moving car once... yeah...

You can't handle the truth...

Now, most of the time I am a pretty understanding kinda dude, you know, I just sit here and mind my own business... when I am on the bus I make sure not to make any sustained eye contact or have any actual conversations with anyone, that would be rude... If someone has to cram their ass into a tiny spot on the seat next to me I make sure to scrunch up in the opposite direction from them, you know, so to avoid any prolonged ass to ass contact...
But sometimes, you know, you are just in one of those moods... one of those moods where the wrong thing happens at the wrong time and you just can't contain yourself...
Since my hands are registered with the FBI as weapons of mass destruction, and because of all my training as a top secret operative, I like to think that I am able to maintain myself better than most... it would be easy enough to give some wise ass a judo chop to the jaw, maybe a quick sharp shot to the eye socket or the touch of death or something, but I don't... don't want to draw attention to myself any more than I already do...
So, the other day, I was sitting on the bus, just minding my own business, and we had just about reached my stop... I started gathering my shit together when I suddenly felt this grinding on my toes... I looked down and the dude sitting next to me had decided to shift or something and ended up stepping on my Vans... not just stepping but grinding... I looked at him, tried to keep it soft, no need to give him nightmares... He looked at me and had the balls to say to me:
"Watch where you are putting your feet!"
He may have been kidding, he had kind of a smile on his face... or he may have been a complete asshole, maybe it was a smirk... fucker!!!
I almost made a fist, almost, but I know better than to make a fist unless I am fully prepared to use it... and I hadn't decided whether or not to kill him yet, which is odd as I usually make those decisions in a split second...
Then I realized his foot was still on top of mine. I looked down, he looked down, he was still smiling, and he slid his foot forward... actually slid it across mine... until his leg was fully stretched out into the aisle...
For one reason I had decided to let him live, so I grabbed my stuff and made my move to leave, but he had his leg out in the aisle so I had to kinda hitch around it... he was still smirking... so I headed down the stairs and I heard him chortle... WTF?!?! THE FUCKER ACTUALLY CHORTLED AT ME!!! HE WAS LAUGHING AT ME!!! NOBODY LAUGHS AT ME!!!
I stopped at the bottom of the stairs, the chortle ringing in my ears, and the bus pulled out... I looked down, looked at my shoe... it was scuffed... Aaargghh... I looked at my left hand (swift), then I looked at my right hand (justi)... They were fists... I put them together, thumb to thumb... SWIFTJUSTI is said (didn't have enough room for the "C" and the "E", but I knew it spelled out swiftjustice, and they had proved it more than once)...
I took off running after the bus, fists furiously pumping, but not in a good way... the bus had a good lead on me and I got stopped by a couple traffic lights, but there, up ahead, I saw it stop and the fucker got off the bus... He crossed the street in a crowd, he was moving at a pretty good pace... I followed him, was tracking him... I saw him go into a building, I saw the elevator lights blinking off the floors, he got off on the 8th floor... I couldn't wait for the next elevator so I ran up the stairs, all lickety split...
I busted out the door on the 8th floor and looked to the left and right... there were a couple ladies up there, they were staring at me... they could smell my rage and sweat and it excited them... they reached out for me but I slid past them in the most likely direction, through a glass door (literally, through it) and left the tinkling sound of shattered glass behind me... I saw him turn a corner... I ran after him... He walked into an office, I walked in behind him... Swift caught him from behind, right on the back of the head behind his ear... this spun him around... Justi caught him under the jaw and his head snapped back... I made the touch of death, but decided that would be too quick, so I changed to monkey claw and ripped his throat out... there was blood everywhere... the momentum had driven him back a few feet so I did flying judo kick to his stomach and sent him through the window and down 8 stories... I am pretty sure he was dead... HA!
I put swift and justi away and wiped my hands on my pants... I came down pretty quick, thought of unicorns or something soothing like that... I thought about going and finding them girls that were out in the lobby cause killing dudes always makes me horny, but I decided I should probably not... I felt calm but I might still be too amped up and would end up hurting them with my savage love... so I decided to go to work...
I was heading out the way I had come when I heard some sobbing coming from one of the offices... I looked in and saw this nice older man sitting there with his head in his hands, crying all alone... it was pitiful... so I stooped to see what the matter was, maybe he needed someone killed, and I was still kinda in a killing mood so, you know...
So I stopped to talk to him and he opened up the floodgates... cried and cried... I was starting to feel kinda disgusted with him when he finally got to the heart of the matter... he was having trouble pleasing his wife... he really loved her but she needed more than he was able to offer... but he was busy and could never really get into the groove, you know... and he had heard of things, like technique, but really just didn't understand... I was amazed...
It is one thing to use my killing skills to teach someone a lesson, but now I had the opportunity to use some of my softer skills... my LOVE skills... so I sat down and drew some pictures, kinda acted out some scenarios... had him do some visualization... then taught him the monkey technique and the airplane... told him about the helicopter but told him that it might be a little advanced so not to try it without stretching first... then I taught him the hedgehog... he was amazed!!!
He was also really really grateful... he told me that if this worked out he wanted to make it up to me somehow... I asked him if his wife was hot, and if so how about some pictures... he suggested no... but I gave him my number anyhow and told him to give me a call...
A couple days later he called, said it worked FANTASTIC and his wife had never been so satisfied (and sore)... "good for you!" I told him...
Then he made me an offer, offered me a job... a good job, in his office, with a 25% raise in pay, health insurance that would save me $800 a year, and 25,500 stock options for when his company goes public...
How could I refuse... I couldn't... I start on the 2nd...
So the secret is out... there you go...

super secret that I am not supposed to talk about but if you guess it well then...

The person who doesn't scatter the morning dew will not comb gray hairs.

Aaargggghhh...
My upper back, shoulders really, is so freakin' sore... wtf?!?
Tension or something...
You know how I dislike massage, or maybe it is just being touched or something... well, I feel like there is a midget with stubby little fingers standing behind me, oiling up his hands, and I am mostly naked and sitting in a suburban mall and there are a bunch of teenage girls walking by laughing at me because the midget with the stubby fingers is about to put his hands all over me... kinda tight, you know... Damn...
I am sitting here full of anticipation and shit, waiting for a message that never arrives but was promised to arrive many times... that might be the midget that is hovering behind me... I miss my wife, she's not a midget though... she's just busy... uhh, stuff like that...
I was asked the other day to describe my ideal job... I almost laughed because what I wanted to say would obviously not be what this person wanted to hear... See, in my ideal job I am the CEO and Founder of Studmuffin Enterprises.
We are a multinational limited liability company (llc) that provides training and expertise in a number of fields.
Mostly we run schools for hot highschool dropouts where they learn how to really slut it up... nightclasses, you know... Classes on how to be a professional fluffer, dressing for success, how to pass in society as a good girl when you are anything but, you know, typical stuff...
We have classes for boys too, nerds, mostly... we have classes designed to toughen them up where we subject them to hours of harrassment... after a while they develope a thick skin and all sorts of abuse will roll right off of them... we teach them self defense also, which involves either how to roll up into a tight little ball on the ground, protecting their heads and privates... or how to eventually explode into a ball of fury, flailing and swinging and crying hysterically... this is kind of an advanced class, the hard part being getting them to say the right things as they put all their energy into freaking out...
As founder and CEO I have the privilige of working closely with the students, I am a hands on kind of guy... I give to them the "real world" experience that will take them places... Noone graduates until they make it past me. For the fluffers, I am the final exam... they gotta fluff me up good or I will send their asses back to day one... For the Nerds, boy I ride their asses like nobodies business until they feel the rage just bubbling inside... I let them explode and take their fury out on me... I let them swing away and judge their impact, I listen to their sobbing screams and make the judgement as to how embarassed they will be about it later on... then I kick their asses, just a little bit... make sure they know their place... NERDS!!!!
Of course I am also fabulously rich and attractive...
Not sure that this response would get me too far... I told them something different, something relevant... They were still concerned that I might be overqualified and too senior(wtf?) and too hot and sexy (as one girl put it) to fit in there... I told them I could wear baggier pants if that would help... maybe colors that are out of my season so as not to accentuate my healthy glow... or they could just get used to it...
I'm not sure why they wouldn't want to hire someone who is super qualified and hot, I mean really...
OH, and I was going to mention, I am soooo through with these bullshit holidays... Pi day, I mean really... just another corporate holiday so the suits can try and make a bunch of money off of us... You better wear something with Pi on it or you might get pinched... damn... National steak and BJ day, yeah, right... too many problems with that to really get into... Ahh, bah humbug... scrooges abound... I need a holiday I could really get into, like national get your ass to a sunny beach and have a drink day... Hey, slap your guy/gal on the ass day... National sneak a picture of your wife in the shower day...
I don't know, something... but you know, regardless of what I came up with there would suddenly be some sort of market for things to go along with it... film, beach umbrellas, big plastic spanking hands, etc... and it would be all ruined... maybe I should start a secret holiday day... something only a few special people know about, we could form a committee and pick a day and decide what we want to celebrate on that day... and we will seal it with a kiss... a kiss of secrecy... makes it more personal that way... that way certain people will not feel the need to try and seduce the secret out of me... unless they really want to... some people are just hard coded that way... some people just can't help but try to seduce me...

There will never be another one like you...

I woke up this morning with some Ozzy in my head.
'Cause rock and roll
Is my religion and my law
Won't ever change,
May think it's strange
You can't kill rock 'n roll
It's here to stay
I could hear the music and follow along with the lyrics, and, standing there in the kitchen, I found myself bouncing my head along with the tune. Not hard core headbanging or anything, but just nodding along with the music.
I think I do this quite often, actually. I get into the music in my head and suddenly catch myself twitching along to it... people must think I am a freak.
So I was thinking about this on the bus, mostly about Ozzy, you dig... I was sandwiched between 2 stinky dudes so I was trying to find my happy spot.
I remembered listening to Ozzy at different times in my life, the most notable occurrence was listening to Diary of a Madman while my friend tested his tattooing skills on me. Burned a nice little cross into my arm... I think I was loaded because I remember hearing a little sizzle but it not hurting... Ahh, to be 16 and loaded and getting a homebrew tattoo in your friends room... damn...
And I was thinking about how odd life can be, where you can find yourself, and suddenly I found myself preparing for one of those situations I often prepare for in my mind...
Amongst the things I have lived through in my head:
1) Wife asking for a divorce.
2) Wife telling me she has a boyfriend
3) Seeing the family in a carwreck as I go by on the bus
4) Bootcamp (I hate that one)
5) Severe natural disaster
6) Revolution (like on Red Dawn)
and one of my favorites and the one I was preparing for today:
Final Words at my Execution
and let me tell you, I was brilliant today. I was standing in front of all the witnesses, at peace with the world (you bet). I blamed everything on society, how people like to throw the concept of Nature vs. Nurture around, when it is always really Nurture that is the issue, but people like to have Nature around because it means it is an inbred trait and no one is really to blame... I told everyone that I felt sorry for them, that they had to witness this, the ultimate waste of a human life, and I hope it haunts them forever, or at least gives them something to think about when they go home and go to bed.
I was making SOOO much sense, it was brilliant.
I was still executed in the end, that was never in question...
as a matter of fact, I was wondering why they had to go to such extremes in executing me (it was lethal injection, yo)... no need for multiple tubes and shit, I mean, really, if dudes can sit in their apartments and overdose so easily is just be relatively simple to dose me up to sufficiently lethal doses to accomplish the same thing without a cocktail of different chemicals... damn... Of course, in my mind I had convinced them to shoot me up with just a nice dose of heroin to ease my mind, you know, get me all mellow, then maybe kick it up a notch with some Fentanyl, you know, to put me over the edge. I mean, damn, I wasn't going to fight it, I was guilty as hell, might as well go out with a bang, you know...
I come out of these little mental escapades kinda introspective or something, not sure what the right word for this is... but I come out of it and think to myself, "hmmnnn, what to think about now?"
Then I remembered about this dude, here, at this place, Monkey Boy... his wife is preggers and at one point I had offered up some hippie type suggestions, like having the baby at home, in a hottub, suggested a doula he might enjoy, etc... he was polite, thanked me for the suggestions, but no thanks, you know... well then, he just found out that he is having a girl. He has been blogging about this, he is kind of emotional, but in a good way... but he has been blogging about this and having people guess the sex of the baby, suggest names, talking about the mental state of hysteria that you don't realize you are in when your whole world is about to change forever and ever (although he may not realize he is in a state of hysteria, it is sublime)...
Anyway, they found out, it is a girl, and this is odd because the majority of the people in his family are boys, and he wanted to know, since he has little experience with the female of the species, he wanted to know what he should be expecting... I think he was looking more for the difference between having boy and girls...
Of course, my initial reaction was to say, "Well, girls have Puddins and boys have funny looking puddins", but I didn't...
I don't really know the difference, I know my girls, you know, and they can be tough as nails sometimes, super sensitive at other times... I don't know, I really don't...
I know I had this plan, once upon a time, where I would sit them down next to me, on some dock by some lake, and impart all my knowledge of the universe... tell them about finding their centers and not caring about what other people think, being confident and something something... See, I lost it... I lost it when I discovered that they didn't understand many of the words I was saying, and because the attention span of a typical young'n really isn't conducive to the grand metaphysical discussions I wanted to have... I am still waiting for my window though...
Uhh, I think I was going to say something grand about not being one of those helicopter parents, give them some room to discover things on their own, but also give them an example to learn from... all sorts of grand things were going to come out of my mind... it was going to be glorious...
But my mind wandered and I lost it, and I believe I ended up being envious of the amount of traffic he gets to his blog... bastard... I will let him learn it all on his own...
I mean really, other peoples parenting skills suck, you know... you rarely look at someone and think to yourself how you wish you had parenting skills like that... even if they are doing it perfect you can come up with some sort of criticism regarding how they are doing it... I mean, Hey, I let my girls run around with scissors (sharp pointy ones) in their hands... seems ok to me, you know... and yet, I am thinking, there are probably some parents out there that would not think this was a good idea, teaching their kids safety like this... but really, it ain't like I don't guide them, I do, I yell at them all the time, I'm all like "HEY!!! Watch out, don't fall on them there scissors!!!" and "Get out of the way, I can't see the TV" and you know what else??? I leave them alone in the bathtub... but its cool, dude, they make so much friggin noise in there I don't get concerned unless it gets quiet all of a sudden... when it gets quiet any parent of quality goes running... Silence is the sound of trouble...
Oh, another situation I have mentally prepared for:
7) child has stopped breathing/stabbed themselves with scissors/stabbed their sister with scissors/stabbed me with scissors/I am not breathing and am in fact dead and they find my body/wife dies and children and locked in the house with their dead mother until I get home
Yeah...

Reality? Your "reality", sir, is lies and balderdash, and I'm delighted to say that I have no grasp of it whatsoever.

Actually:
I am a kind and sensitive lover. I don't recall actually doing anything too freaky, beyond yelling out "FUCK ME SANTA!!!" whilst practicing my art once. Although, my definition of freaky may be different from other peoples definition of freaky... so maybe I am constantly crossing the line and just don't realize it... maybe that is why there is so much wincing going on... Naahhh, it is probably something else.

Actually:
If I found myself in the position of actively practicing my art, I don't think I would pick chicks directly out of highschool... I think I would go for mothers, you know, real ladies... I think I would have a better shot. And they got it going on. You know what I mean? I hope so... Ya'll here are some fine examples... and seeing as how ya'll find me so attractive I figure I would be able to, you know, take it on the road and be attractive to other mothers out there in the world... Of course this is all theoretical... but based on sound science...
Catfish + foxy women with Children = Passionate Humping

Actually:
I would maybe have to be somewhat picky... not just any random mother type lady... I think I would have issue with, say, a woman that has like 10 kids, or multiple kids from different fathers. I mean, I would just, you know, be making artsy passionate humpyness and stuff, not probably a relationship, so it shouldn't really matter, you dig... but... uh... you know... I hate people and stuff... and I choose to hate certain mothers that have had multiple children with different fathers...
Although, the DR.'s say I can hump anyone I want, and they won't get pregnant, so I have that going for me.

Actually:
I tried to give my lovely wife a double wet willy last night, you know, as a kind of, whats that called, before you actually start doing it, like a warm up or something... I can't remember, but I have heard of it before... anyway, I couldn't do it, and she laughed, and she was beautiful when she laughed...

Actually:
I am wearing my man panties today. I feel all constricted, not at all loosey goosey... but it is kind of kinky, eh?
I can't wait to get out of them.

Actually:
The Hedgehog is at the Castle Superstore in Tukwila today. I would love to stop by and get my picture taken with him.
I had to use some practical math to calculate it out, and my numbers may be off by a little bit, but:
Hedgehog + Catfish = ~22 inches...
Unfortunately, further calculations indicate:
Hedgehog + Catfish = ~460 lbs...
Although, I did figure:
Hedgehog + Catfish = Electricity baby...

Trivia:
They call me Catfish because Hedgehog was already taken...
...and because I make them

You know what??? Deeez Nuttzzz

If I ever found myself in the position of knockin' the boots with some young gal, say, right out of High School, I think I would seriously mess with her mind. Because she didn't know any better... it would be sweet...
See, if we were "doing it" I would be all like, "oh baby, yeah baby" and then I would be all like, "Hey... stick your finger in my ear" or "you know what really turns me on, when you stick your finger in my ear"... she would be all confused and self conscious and probably go along with it because I am such a stud and shit, so she would do it, right...
So, I would see it coming, and I would be all encouraging her and stuff and when she stuck her finger in my ear I would say "OUCH" and slap her hand away and tell her "Damn, you can't just force it in there like that!!! Lick it first!" and so she would and, even though it would be freakin' sick, I would go along with it and make all sorts of high pitched moaning sounds... "oh... oh... OHHHHHH!!!" and "OOHhh, yeah, do it like that, yeah... ahhh" and crap like that...
She would probably think, at this point, that she was a magnificent lover and that there was a whole aspect of lovin' that she had been missing out on... Maybe she would enjoy it... Maybe I should do it to her... I would work it hard...
Then I would stick my fingers in her mouth and make her get them all slobbery and shit, I mean, really really juicy, you dig... then I would give her a big ass wet willy with her own slobber... yeah, and I would bang away at her with my wet fingers in her ear telling her how fantastic it is... "yeah, you like that, yeah" and I would twist my fingers around making sure to get it all over...
By this point she would be wondering if there was something wrong with her because she wasn't enjoying it and she should be... and then I would pull my fingers out of her ears and stick them back in her mouth so she could taste her own wax... still telling her how fantastic this all was... Her mind would be all blown by this point because of all the real pleasure I would be giving her contrasted with having a wet willy...
BUT... that ain't all... not nearly...
I would make sure that while we were doing it I had the weather channel on the TV, real loud... and I would be all bangin' away and shrieking like a monkey until the local weather came on... then I would shush her "shhh" and cock my head over to listen... Then I would be all starting out all slow and sensous and shit and telling her... "you hear that, baby, yeah, scattered showers... AHHHH. Yeah, you like them scattered showers? OOoohhh!!! Shhh... OH! lows in the 40's, yeah, nice and cold... oh baby... yeah... High of 57!!! DAMN!!! Did you hear that, High of 57!!!" and I would start getting rough, really banging away... Then I would be all like "YEAH!!! DOPPLER RADAR!!! OH FUCK, YEAH, DOPPLER... OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD... Ugghhhh... DOUBLE DOPPLER... OH SHIT, DOUBLE DOPPLER!!!!! UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"... And I would scream double doppler at her at that point and try to finish up before the local forcast is done... be all laying there panting... "oh I love the weather, oh I love the weather... hmmnnn doppler... hmmnnn"...
Then I'd make her go get me a beer and suggest that since she was up that she might wanna get going 'cause I was really tired and she doesn't want to worry her parents, but it was really great and we should do it again sometime... Oh, and maybe she shouldn't mention the ear thing, you know, 'cause it is kinda kinky...
And you know she would... she would tell all her friends, ask them if they ever heard of such a thing before... and they would be intrigued... Oh, sure, they would try to tell each other that I was a freak or something, but secretly they would be intrigued... and they would want to have sex with me also... So I would have to repeat the performance for her friends, but not all of them... maybe a couple of them... for the rest I would be normal (you know, super sexy and giving, sensitive and attentive, like I learned in my 3 years in the octagon)... and the ones I was all normal with would wonder what was wrong with them that I didn't want to stick my fingers in their ear and the others would wonder why I got all funky with them... why them... and who are the lucky ones... was it the ones that got the funky treatment or the others... who won? Really, who won? But baby, you're all winners... really, the pleasure was all mine...

Bitching and Moaning and stuff... how poetic..

I think it is going to be a funky day...
The funkiness started before I even woke up... Yes.. I had a dream...
and I am not sure if I could explain the dream, really, but let me tell you about some of the elements of the dream...
I was sitting in this stadium or auditorium or something, it was full of old people, and I was somewhere around 5 rows back from the front... now, being in a room full of old people sucks, you know... and seeing how they were all old people it must have been some sort of deal that old people would want to go to... from what I can tell we were all there to see some dude... it was almost like a Billy Graham kinda dude... he was there to be seen and talk about shit, and he liked to get audience participation... more on that in a moment...
Now, besides being in a room full of old people, imagine being with some other people that you really don't want to be with... and there I was, with my wifes birthmothers family... grandparents, mother, etc... and they were all squirmy with excitement... which is another sure sign that this was NOT the place to be...
So there was some random babbling from the dude up front, and it was time to get the audience involved... so these old people were getting involved and getting up and speaking, asking questions and shit... and old grandpa was really agitated that he wasn't being chosen to speak... really agitated... which got the rest of the family all agitated... so finally someone suggests to me that I get him noticed... and I was all like, HELL NO!!! So, all of a sudden, these folks in front of me start waving their hands and I notice that it is my wifes brother and one of his sons.
So, they get noticed and they want to get grandpa to speak, but suddenly, now that he is noticed, he is too proud or something to get up and speak... so after some hemming and hawing and the dude up on stage getting agitated my wifes brothers son gets up and runs up on stage, grabs the mic, and starts talking... He is relatively cute and used to people thinking that he is super and so figures he can get away with this... but these bouncers go and grab him, one on each arm, and try to haul him off stage... he looks very confused, so the brother in law gets super agitated and jumps up and starts raising a ruckus... all the old people are shocked and dismayed...
Suddenly it is on me again to do something and I again say HELL NO!!! and the family gets all pissed at me for just sitting there... so there is all this activity and suddenly it gets really bright in the place, like the sun just came out (it had been dark before I guess)... I look around and ask this old lady what happened... and she tells me someone must have died because the sun comes out for a minute when someone dies... and I say, yeah? Really? but, how come the sun is staying out and she tells me a lot of people must have died... this kinda blows my mind so I take off behind the stage...
And I am outside by this corn field... and there are a couple people I know and am talking to... they don't know what is going on, they say, but I can tell they are lying... then I see this cat (suprise, suprise)... it is actually this little kitten and it is super cute, has really bright eyes... I go and pet it for a minute and decide that it ain't so bad and I would like to have this cat... I put it down for a moment and ask the dudes about the cat... they get all freaky and want to kill the kitten. We all turn to look for it and it is gone, so we start hunting through the corn. We find other cats, and they are evil, but not the kitten... I want to save the kitten and they want to kill it...
Suddenly there is some banging around. We all start running for this barn and there are these piston looking things going up and down, like elevators and we jump on them and go up up up into the ceiling. We get to the top and hide because they will never find us up here... I ask them who "they" are and they babble about something or other I can't really understand and I decide I want to go back down... They tell me there is no way to go back down and I say, but the piston goes up and down, why don't I just get back on it and ride it back down... They tell me this is not possible, but I do it anyway...
I wander around and can't figure out what is going on and I am not feeling any fear at all, which I kinda think maybe I should have, all I feel is impatience and a bit like I am pissed off...
That's about all there was to the dream... as a whole it was kinda freaky and most peoples natural inclination would be to try and decipher what it all means, like what do certain elements mean or represent... Not me, dude, not me...

***
So, I had this here funky dream... Then the alarm goes off and it seems really loud for some reason, that reason mostly likely being because our white noise generating doohicky died a week or so ago so it is really quiet and shit in our room... too quiet... I hear... things...
But anyhow, I get up and have this sense of dread and figure coffee would help... So I am making my coffee and I keep hearing these noises... finally I turn around and see the little Viking sitting on the couch. Dude, its like 4am and she is sitting on the couch. So I go over there and ask her whats up and she just stares at me... I ask her if she wet her bed or something and she says, yes... hmmnnn, so I check her undies and they are dry... so I tell her that she didn't, and she says ok... so I pick her up and carry her in to the big bed and make some room for her... Her sister is already in there, so is their FOXY momma... so I toss her in there and go back about my business...
I keep hearing noises, like people shuffling about, but can't place them... it is probably the dude next door getting up and ready, or the old gal upstairs and her boyfriend banging the gong (if you know what I mean, and if you do you know how icky that thought really is)...
So I hit the bathroom to do my morning ablutions and notice some toilet paper on the ground, gots some toothpaste on it... so I pick it up and throw it in the toilet... ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE IS A BIG FUCKING SPIDER RUNNING ALL OVER THE TOILET... Big ass mf'er running on the water... I'm all like, HOLY SHIT and flush the toilet... Down Down Down he goes... Damn!!!
Uhh, oh yeah... so I leave the house, right, start heading out into the dark, and I am going by the dumpsters and I think I made a noise, sneezed maybe, perhaps a cough, who knows... but I made a noise, dammit, get off my back... so all of a sudden there is this freaky scrambling fally sound coming from the dumpsters... WTF?!? Shit, I can't see anything over there... is it Human? Is it a big fucking RAT? maybe that friggin' racoon came back to life and his zombie racoon self is going to jump out of the dumpster and attack me... bite at my nuts and shit... Remember this gem??? I don't know what it was, never stuck around to find out... this ain't no Scooby Doo mystery, dude... I just walked really fast...
Nothing happened on the bus today...
So hear I sit... someone asked me how I was doing, I said, good and followed that with something about being agitated, then I said I was good and agitated... I believe he asked about that and I told him I had a funky dream and am trying to carry that emotion along through my day... he went away...
I decided to get really jacked up on coffee and aleve... then monkeys flew out my butt and started throwing poo...
Yeah, it is going to be a day...

You are asking me if this is the whole world, and I am telling you it is

Dude,
I should have been a lumberjack. Can you dig it? Standing out in the forest with an axe in my hand, swinging it around with precision as some big fat tree. Dude, the tree's wouldn't give me any shit. For real, they would just stand there and take it, until I knocked their ass down. It would have been sweet. All the noise and falling and stuff. I would give them a gentle pat as they lay there and then move on to the next one.
A tree would never tell me I was overqualified to chop it down, hell no...
I mean, I guess I just didn't realize it, that I was overqualified and shit... You get so deep into it that you don't notice it after a while. You know what I mean?
Its like, if you spend 3 seasons training in the octagon to be a supreme lover, then you take your skills and training on the road, you know, humping all the lovely ladies, sometimes for money, sometimes for pity, sometimes out of boredom, and it all becomes a blur. You get used to the moaning and wiggling around and pretty soon you start thinking:
"Hey" you think, "That's what all the ladies do, huh? Moan and wiggle around all over the place, and they're all sweaty and its hard to keep a grip on them and then they fall off the bed and they laugh and you laugh and then they cowgirl up and you finish the job and get paid (or leave them there crying because they never had it so good and life is so unfair and how come their husband never gives it to them like that or you just put your pants on and tell them you are running to the store, same old story). It's pretty normal, eh?"
But then, you decide to take your skills somewhere exotic, like, oh, I don't know, Arizona or something, and down there they are all like, uh, yeah, that would be great, but you are overqualified to hump my brains out, you would probably ruin me for other men and you would immediately get bored with me and besides, I don't really have the room (if you know what I mean). So you sit there in your motel room, lonely, wondering how you are gonna ever get there and what the hell do they mean by that anyhow, overqualified to hump their brains out??? I wouldn't mind... you know, I'll throw you a bone, no biggee... you could probably fit me in somewhere...
OK, people, snap out of it... I know most of you are daydreaming by now, vivid picture in your head of me running around naked, but I got a point (no pun intended)!!!
Lets see, how can I say this without really saying it...
Ok, so I was "sick" a couple days ago, so I went to see "the doctor"... are you with me so far? Good...
So I went to "the doctor" and actually ended up meeting with 3 or 4 "doctors" and they asked me all sorts of "medical" questions, to see how I "feel" and how I ended up in this "state"...
And they told me there was nothing "wrong" with me, and that actually I was in perfect "health" and they would follow up with me the next day with the "results" of the "tests" they ran, you dig...
So, I was sitting by the phone like an ugly girl on Friday night that would "give it up" to the next dude that calls and they would really enjoy it because it had been 5 years since I "gave it up"...
So I was sitting here, and finally the "doctor" called and they were all hemming and hawing and finally they told me I was "overqualified" for the "sickness" they currently had going on in their "hospital" and although they wouldn't mind "checking me in" to their "hospital" in the "sickness" they did have going on, they were scared I would get "bored" and "something something"... but they might have a "sickness" coming up in a few months that I could "suffer from"...
So, to summarize:
1) I am a highly trained lover for hire.
2) I wanna take my humping skills on the road
3) I am "too sick" to be admitted to the "hospital"

***
Lets get real for a minute.
Ok, so my lovely wife went to Portland last weekend for some training and somewhere in there she found time to spend $2000 on a couple pairs of jeans. She told me she did this and I was, at first, all like, "HEY!!!" and "WTF?!?!" and I think I said something about how they better be a fine pair of jeans for that kind of money, etc... I think I was required by law to have this reaction.
So she came home and she was wearing a pair of these jeans she bought, and may I saw, GAWDDAMN!!! I didn't think it was possible for her to get any finer, but there she went again, raised the bar (in more ways than one if you know what I mean). I won't go into too much detail, but I will emphasis the fact that, DAMN!!! she looks good in them jeans... She's all walking around in front of me in them and I am,like, following the bouncing ball... watching the lyrical, uh, bouncing... of... uh, ok, I'm just going to say it, her fantastic butt. Yeah!!!
Dude, its like, everytime I look at her I am shocked at how gorgeous she is and talented and stuff, and I am amazed that there is not some sort of rope around her telling me not to "touch the artwork". Maybe there should be, cause everytime she comes into reach I feel the need to, uh, damn, reach out to touch her... not all nasty like, not all the time, you know, just stroke her arm or something. She's like a fine little filly that I just want to uh... dammit, ok, ride all the time... but I don't necessarily mean that like, you know, ride, I mean it more like I want to uh... damn... you know, I just love her and stuff and she is so fine and "HEY BABY!!!" and things...
So there you go... there you go again, being all fine... wow...