The person who doesn't scatter the morning dew will not comb gray hairs.
Aaargggghhh...
My upper back, shoulders really, is so freakin' sore... wtf?!?
Tension or something...
You know how I dislike massage, or maybe it is just being touched or something... well, I feel like there is a midget with stubby little fingers standing behind me, oiling up his hands, and I am mostly naked and sitting in a suburban mall and there are a bunch of teenage girls walking by laughing at me because the midget with the stubby fingers is about to put his hands all over me... kinda tight, you know... Damn...
I am sitting here full of anticipation and shit, waiting for a message that never arrives but was promised to arrive many times... that might be the midget that is hovering behind me... I miss my wife, she's not a midget though... she's just busy... uhh, stuff like that...
I was asked the other day to describe my ideal job... I almost laughed because what I wanted to say would obviously not be what this person wanted to hear... See, in my ideal job I am the CEO and Founder of Studmuffin Enterprises.
We are a multinational limited liability company (llc) that provides training and expertise in a number of fields.
Mostly we run schools for hot highschool dropouts where they learn how to really slut it up... nightclasses, you know... Classes on how to be a professional fluffer, dressing for success, how to pass in society as a good girl when you are anything but, you know, typical stuff...
We have classes for boys too, nerds, mostly... we have classes designed to toughen them up where we subject them to hours of harrassment... after a while they develope a thick skin and all sorts of abuse will roll right off of them... we teach them self defense also, which involves either how to roll up into a tight little ball on the ground, protecting their heads and privates... or how to eventually explode into a ball of fury, flailing and swinging and crying hysterically... this is kind of an advanced class, the hard part being getting them to say the right things as they put all their energy into freaking out...
As founder and CEO I have the privilige of working closely with the students, I am a hands on kind of guy... I give to them the "real world" experience that will take them places... Noone graduates until they make it past me. For the fluffers, I am the final exam... they gotta fluff me up good or I will send their asses back to day one... For the Nerds, boy I ride their asses like nobodies business until they feel the rage just bubbling inside... I let them explode and take their fury out on me... I let them swing away and judge their impact, I listen to their sobbing screams and make the judgement as to how embarassed they will be about it later on... then I kick their asses, just a little bit... make sure they know their place... NERDS!!!!
Of course I am also fabulously rich and attractive...
Not sure that this response would get me too far... I told them something different, something relevant... They were still concerned that I might be overqualified and too senior(wtf?) and too hot and sexy (as one girl put it) to fit in there... I told them I could wear baggier pants if that would help... maybe colors that are out of my season so as not to accentuate my healthy glow... or they could just get used to it...
I'm not sure why they wouldn't want to hire someone who is super qualified and hot, I mean really...
OH, and I was going to mention, I am soooo through with these bullshit holidays... Pi day, I mean really... just another corporate holiday so the suits can try and make a bunch of money off of us... You better wear something with Pi on it or you might get pinched... damn... National steak and BJ day, yeah, right... too many problems with that to really get into... Ahh, bah humbug... scrooges abound... I need a holiday I could really get into, like national get your ass to a sunny beach and have a drink day... Hey, slap your guy/gal on the ass day... National sneak a picture of your wife in the shower day...
I don't know, something... but you know, regardless of what I came up with there would suddenly be some sort of market for things to go along with it... film, beach umbrellas, big plastic spanking hands, etc... and it would be all ruined... maybe I should start a secret holiday day... something only a few special people know about, we could form a committee and pick a day and decide what we want to celebrate on that day... and we will seal it with a kiss... a kiss of secrecy... makes it more personal that way... that way certain people will not feel the need to try and seduce the secret out of me... unless they really want to... some people are just hard coded that way... some people just can't help but try to seduce me...
My upper back, shoulders really, is so freakin' sore... wtf?!?
Tension or something...
You know how I dislike massage, or maybe it is just being touched or something... well, I feel like there is a midget with stubby little fingers standing behind me, oiling up his hands, and I am mostly naked and sitting in a suburban mall and there are a bunch of teenage girls walking by laughing at me because the midget with the stubby fingers is about to put his hands all over me... kinda tight, you know... Damn...
I am sitting here full of anticipation and shit, waiting for a message that never arrives but was promised to arrive many times... that might be the midget that is hovering behind me... I miss my wife, she's not a midget though... she's just busy... uhh, stuff like that...
I was asked the other day to describe my ideal job... I almost laughed because what I wanted to say would obviously not be what this person wanted to hear... See, in my ideal job I am the CEO and Founder of Studmuffin Enterprises.
We are a multinational limited liability company (llc) that provides training and expertise in a number of fields.
Mostly we run schools for hot highschool dropouts where they learn how to really slut it up... nightclasses, you know... Classes on how to be a professional fluffer, dressing for success, how to pass in society as a good girl when you are anything but, you know, typical stuff...
We have classes for boys too, nerds, mostly... we have classes designed to toughen them up where we subject them to hours of harrassment... after a while they develope a thick skin and all sorts of abuse will roll right off of them... we teach them self defense also, which involves either how to roll up into a tight little ball on the ground, protecting their heads and privates... or how to eventually explode into a ball of fury, flailing and swinging and crying hysterically... this is kind of an advanced class, the hard part being getting them to say the right things as they put all their energy into freaking out...
As founder and CEO I have the privilige of working closely with the students, I am a hands on kind of guy... I give to them the "real world" experience that will take them places... Noone graduates until they make it past me. For the fluffers, I am the final exam... they gotta fluff me up good or I will send their asses back to day one... For the Nerds, boy I ride their asses like nobodies business until they feel the rage just bubbling inside... I let them explode and take their fury out on me... I let them swing away and judge their impact, I listen to their sobbing screams and make the judgement as to how embarassed they will be about it later on... then I kick their asses, just a little bit... make sure they know their place... NERDS!!!!
Of course I am also fabulously rich and attractive...
Not sure that this response would get me too far... I told them something different, something relevant... They were still concerned that I might be overqualified and too senior(wtf?) and too hot and sexy (as one girl put it) to fit in there... I told them I could wear baggier pants if that would help... maybe colors that are out of my season so as not to accentuate my healthy glow... or they could just get used to it...
I'm not sure why they wouldn't want to hire someone who is super qualified and hot, I mean really...
OH, and I was going to mention, I am soooo through with these bullshit holidays... Pi day, I mean really... just another corporate holiday so the suits can try and make a bunch of money off of us... You better wear something with Pi on it or you might get pinched... damn... National steak and BJ day, yeah, right... too many problems with that to really get into... Ahh, bah humbug... scrooges abound... I need a holiday I could really get into, like national get your ass to a sunny beach and have a drink day... Hey, slap your guy/gal on the ass day... National sneak a picture of your wife in the shower day...
I don't know, something... but you know, regardless of what I came up with there would suddenly be some sort of market for things to go along with it... film, beach umbrellas, big plastic spanking hands, etc... and it would be all ruined... maybe I should start a secret holiday day... something only a few special people know about, we could form a committee and pick a day and decide what we want to celebrate on that day... and we will seal it with a kiss... a kiss of secrecy... makes it more personal that way... that way certain people will not feel the need to try and seduce the secret out of me... unless they really want to... some people are just hard coded that way... some people just can't help but try to seduce me...
posted by Catfish at 9:42 AM
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