Sneaking up like celery, yeah, I'm stalking...
Last night I dreamed I was a beatnik or a beat type dude, you know, like Kerouac and Ginsberg and such...
Anyhow, I was heading out to take this teaching job, and I was taking this girl with me. We were going to start a new life, settle down, be respectable.
So we get to this house where we were going to live and everything seemed cool, but there was something bothering me, I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Then this dude showed up outside and it was the girls boyfriend or ex boyfriend or something, and he had followed us because he wasn't ready to give her up, and it became apparent that the girl thought this was pretty cool, although she wouldn't say so. So I start being a man and getting all pissed and scared at the same time, cause the dude was huge and mean looking.
So I was going to go and kick his ass but the girl didn't want me to, she said she would go and talk to him. I told her that there was nothing to talk about, he was the "EX" and that meant there was no reason to continue any relationship of any kind, you dig... she started getting all twitchy and I started running around trying to find the guy and hide from him at the same time. I finally yanked the girl outside through the back door and the dude caught up with us. He grabbed her and I knocked him down. I started beating on him but it didn't seem like I was really landing any blows with the rage that I wanted to. I kept hitting him and hitting him and he started crying and stuff, and the girl was crying and yelling at me to get off of him.
So I stopped and it seemed obvious that I was the odd man out. He was more important to her than I was so I walked off.
So I ended up at this club of some sort. There were a bunch of artsy type people all over the place, being beatniks and such, eating and drinking and reading poetry and doing performance art. There was a young girl there (may have been the Noner) and I remember she went into this room to watch some people acting, and someone mentioned that it might not be appropriate for her to be in there. I went in and there was some sort of trapeze performance going on, but it wasn't just people doing flips and stuff, there were people all dressed up in different costumes and they were acting up on a platform and throwing shit around and it was pretty cool. I didn't see anything especially inappropriate but I thought the Noner might be confused by it. I looked at her and could tell she thought it was the coolest thing in the world.
So I went back out to where everyone else was and was hanging out on the patio feeling like I needed to act out somehow. There was some sort of tree or cactus or something set up on the patio, real big, and I took a leap at it and knocked it down. The owner of the place started yelling and we all started running. We were laughing as we ran, at first, but then I realized we were being chased by some bikers. We split up and were running in and out of these trees and bushes and stuff, I was trying to run real fast, but let these 2 gals keep up with me. They were still laughing and I was trying to get them to move faster. They got caught so I stopped running and went back for them.
The bikers grabbed me. They took me somewhere and suddenly I was negotiating with them to let me go. The 2 girls were there and I was telling the bikers that they could have sex with the girls if they let me go. I realized this was kinda strange, like why did I have permission to bargain like this, you know, and I looked at the girls. They didn't seem to mind, seemed kind of intrigued. I told the one biker he could have sex with this brunette as long as he gave her some little bit of pleasure. She piped up and said that she had trouble having orgasms but thought she might be able to if the guy tried real hard. I was taken out of the loop at that point... I got free... I walked out into the world and looked around. I had nowhere to go and didn't know what to do with myself.
Right about then I woke up...
***
I stayed home from work on Thursday...
I felt like crap.
I was all ready to go to work, was going to be tough and shit. Had my lunch ready, took my shower, drank my coffee, sat down on the couch to put my shoes on, and actually got them on and laced up. I just sat there. I had the cold sweats, was tired and my chest was wheezing. I thought about what should I do... I watched the clock and tried to power up. Pretty soon I had missed my bus. "Fuck it", I thought to myself... I grabbed the phone and dialed up work. There ain't noone here at that time in the morning so I started dialing extensions that I hoped would get me to the managers line. Dude, I swear I dialed a combination of #'s that should have gotten me to were I wanted to go about 10 times... different combo's I hope... I very well could have dialed the same set of numbers 5 of those times with the same crappy results... So I ended up leaving a message on a coworkers voice mail and hoped for the best.
So I layed down on the couch and slept for a couple hours, since my bed was full up. Pretty soon people start getting up and pretty soon my lovely wife is up...
Now, I am scared of her, you know... Scared that she is going to think that I am the biggest puss in the world.
Being the alpha male, you know you gotta be at the top of your game. Any sense of weakness and the other hounds start sniffin' around. Also, being at the top of your game keeps the alpha female at your side. If the alpha female goes, all the rest of the females go too... I gotta keep my pack in line so I was totally mental...
I was feverish (feverful?) and when my lovely wife asked me "Hey, you big puss, what are you doing home? Do you have a tummy ache? You suck, don't you?!?" I felt backed into a corner and said I was hella sick and I was going to the DR.
She told me the Dr. was just going to tell me I was sick and stupid and a big puss and she could do just as well... It would go something like this: "You are a big sick puss and you are ugly and your breath smells and you are FAT and stop being such a big puss you ugly fat stinky asshole!"
I snapped at her about some sort of imaginary belief that she hates me and hates it when I am home and/or generally alive.
She mentioned that I was living in a world of make believe or some sort of alternate universe... which blew my mind because I swear she just called me names or something...
Anyhow, I kept upthe charade act being sick and she suggested to me that if I was going to be a puss the clinic I might as well take the Noner since she ACTUALLY WAS SICK.
damn...
So, we went to the Dr's after a bit more drama which we need not go into.
We got there right at opening and they got us in damn quick...
They start running us through the paces, made the Noner get up on the scale and she was a cute little 52 lbs... cute... So I get on the scale and it starts creaking and smoking and shit... all these numbers are running around and around like some sort of slot machine in a cartoon... pretty soon this red light starts flashing... on the readout it said "one person at a time, please" and the nurse hit this override button to let it now there WAS only one. "Really?!?" said the readout... she hit the ok button. It started shaking again and all of these numbers started popping up... The nurses eyes got REAL big and she looked from the readout to me and back to the readout... she started shaking her head as she wrote the number down on my chart. She pulled me into the other room and gave the chart to the other nurse... the other nurse looked at it, then looked at the first nurse, then back to the chart, then back to the first nurse, then they both looked at me... they were impressed, yet not impressed, if you know what I mean... I was going to joke with them and tell them it was all cock, but I was feverish (feverful?) and not thinking straight... I could tell they were disgusted with me...
So they took my pulse and my blood pressure and such and herded us into another room (probably so the other patients wouldn't be shocked at our appearance...
Nice Dr. Aguillar came in... started asking what was wrong with the Noner... Fever, cough, stuff like that... It was sad... he took her temp, listened to her lungs, looked in her ears... Told me she was sick.
Then he looked at me and said "whats wrong with you, you big fat pussy?" and I said, well, I got this here wheeze, and cold sweats, and fever and stuff... He said it was probably because I am a big fat fucker, but what the hell, lets take a look... He looked in my mouth and his eyes got all big... "Hhmnnn..." he said.
He pulled up my shirt and found a spot where the hair was not too thick and put the stethoscope on it... told me to breath, and breath again, and again... he told me to cough... so I coughed... he told me to breath again...
"Hhmnnn..." he said...
"well, you fat fucker, apparently you are sick also, but much much worse... You have Atypical Bacterial Bronchitis!!!"
He started writing out prescriptions... Antibiotics, an inhaler and some cough syrup... But because I am a white male between 18 and 40 he only gave me a thimbleful of cough syrup, in case I got sick just to get some codeine... He told me to go home and sleep and drink a lot of fluids...
So me and the Noner went rolling across town to get our scrips filled... I tried to rush it so I could get the car back to my lovely wife before she had to leave... I felt bad for her, since I was truly dieing and she would soon be a widow and she would have to start all over and find a new better husband so I could sit in whatever place I end up and look up or down (as the case may be) and cry because she is so much happier now...
But the friggin' pharmacist was fucking around with some dude that had been diagnosed with Diabetes or something... explaining shit to him... oh, boo hoo, poor diabetic... DAMMITT... I am dying here... gimme my drugs...
So while we waited we ran to the store and got some Sprite.. and a couple Lunchables for the girls, and a couple of Tony's Pizza's to get me healthy again...
Uhhh... Damn, long story short... I went home, the lovely wife was gone, it was better that way, no need for her to start worrying yet... let her have a few more hours of relative security before she moves on...
So I ate pizza, took some codeine cough syrup, topped it off with some dextromethorphan (I read somewhere this was a good idea) and went to bed... when my lovely wife got home I informed her I was dying, truly truly sick, and suggested that she wait until after my body had been disposed of before she started dating again... She agreed to wait... but only if I promised not to hang on for TOO long...
So I slept, took my medicine, took a shower, trimmed the forest (boys do it too), etc., etc...
Unfortunately for my wife I have survived... I can smell now, I am not coughing, my lungs are not weezing... it is sweet...
donuts in the last 4 hours), see if I can't lose about 20 lbs... My personal goal is to be able to buy some original Levi's 501 shrink to fit jeans and actually wear them... eventually cut them off for some kick ass boys daisy dukes... I am practicing (in my mind) already... I am starting to watch my diet (as I type this, let it be known, that I have eaten 4 Krispy KreamOoops, my wiener fell out of my shorts again... here, let me pick that up for you (as I bend over, ass in the air for full affect)... it is going to be so sweet...
Anyhow, I was heading out to take this teaching job, and I was taking this girl with me. We were going to start a new life, settle down, be respectable.
So we get to this house where we were going to live and everything seemed cool, but there was something bothering me, I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Then this dude showed up outside and it was the girls boyfriend or ex boyfriend or something, and he had followed us because he wasn't ready to give her up, and it became apparent that the girl thought this was pretty cool, although she wouldn't say so. So I start being a man and getting all pissed and scared at the same time, cause the dude was huge and mean looking.
So I was going to go and kick his ass but the girl didn't want me to, she said she would go and talk to him. I told her that there was nothing to talk about, he was the "EX" and that meant there was no reason to continue any relationship of any kind, you dig... she started getting all twitchy and I started running around trying to find the guy and hide from him at the same time. I finally yanked the girl outside through the back door and the dude caught up with us. He grabbed her and I knocked him down. I started beating on him but it didn't seem like I was really landing any blows with the rage that I wanted to. I kept hitting him and hitting him and he started crying and stuff, and the girl was crying and yelling at me to get off of him.
So I stopped and it seemed obvious that I was the odd man out. He was more important to her than I was so I walked off.
So I ended up at this club of some sort. There were a bunch of artsy type people all over the place, being beatniks and such, eating and drinking and reading poetry and doing performance art. There was a young girl there (may have been the Noner) and I remember she went into this room to watch some people acting, and someone mentioned that it might not be appropriate for her to be in there. I went in and there was some sort of trapeze performance going on, but it wasn't just people doing flips and stuff, there were people all dressed up in different costumes and they were acting up on a platform and throwing shit around and it was pretty cool. I didn't see anything especially inappropriate but I thought the Noner might be confused by it. I looked at her and could tell she thought it was the coolest thing in the world.
So I went back out to where everyone else was and was hanging out on the patio feeling like I needed to act out somehow. There was some sort of tree or cactus or something set up on the patio, real big, and I took a leap at it and knocked it down. The owner of the place started yelling and we all started running. We were laughing as we ran, at first, but then I realized we were being chased by some bikers. We split up and were running in and out of these trees and bushes and stuff, I was trying to run real fast, but let these 2 gals keep up with me. They were still laughing and I was trying to get them to move faster. They got caught so I stopped running and went back for them.
The bikers grabbed me. They took me somewhere and suddenly I was negotiating with them to let me go. The 2 girls were there and I was telling the bikers that they could have sex with the girls if they let me go. I realized this was kinda strange, like why did I have permission to bargain like this, you know, and I looked at the girls. They didn't seem to mind, seemed kind of intrigued. I told the one biker he could have sex with this brunette as long as he gave her some little bit of pleasure. She piped up and said that she had trouble having orgasms but thought she might be able to if the guy tried real hard. I was taken out of the loop at that point... I got free... I walked out into the world and looked around. I had nowhere to go and didn't know what to do with myself.
Right about then I woke up...
***
I stayed home from work on Thursday...
I felt like crap.
I was all ready to go to work, was going to be tough and shit. Had my lunch ready, took my shower, drank my coffee, sat down on the couch to put my shoes on, and actually got them on and laced up. I just sat there. I had the cold sweats, was tired and my chest was wheezing. I thought about what should I do... I watched the clock and tried to power up. Pretty soon I had missed my bus. "Fuck it", I thought to myself... I grabbed the phone and dialed up work. There ain't noone here at that time in the morning so I started dialing extensions that I hoped would get me to the managers line. Dude, I swear I dialed a combination of #'s that should have gotten me to were I wanted to go about 10 times... different combo's I hope... I very well could have dialed the same set of numbers 5 of those times with the same crappy results... So I ended up leaving a message on a coworkers voice mail and hoped for the best.
So I layed down on the couch and slept for a couple hours, since my bed was full up. Pretty soon people start getting up and pretty soon my lovely wife is up...
Now, I am scared of her, you know... Scared that she is going to think that I am the biggest puss in the world.
Being the alpha male, you know you gotta be at the top of your game. Any sense of weakness and the other hounds start sniffin' around. Also, being at the top of your game keeps the alpha female at your side. If the alpha female goes, all the rest of the females go too... I gotta keep my pack in line so I was totally mental...
I was feverish (feverful?) and when my lovely wife asked me "Hey, you big puss, what are you doing home? Do you have a tummy ache? You suck, don't you?!?" I felt backed into a corner and said I was hella sick and I was going to the DR.
She told me the Dr. was just going to tell me I was sick and stupid and a big puss and she could do just as well... It would go something like this: "You are a big sick puss and you are ugly and your breath smells and you are FAT and stop being such a big puss you ugly fat stinky asshole!"
I snapped at her about some sort of imaginary belief that she hates me and hates it when I am home and/or generally alive.
She mentioned that I was living in a world of make believe or some sort of alternate universe... which blew my mind because I swear she just called me names or something...
Anyhow, I kept up
damn...
So, we went to the Dr's after a bit more drama which we need not go into.
We got there right at opening and they got us in damn quick...
They start running us through the paces, made the Noner get up on the scale and she was a cute little 52 lbs... cute... So I get on the scale and it starts creaking and smoking and shit... all these numbers are running around and around like some sort of slot machine in a cartoon... pretty soon this red light starts flashing... on the readout it said "one person at a time, please" and the nurse hit this override button to let it now there WAS only one. "Really?!?" said the readout... she hit the ok button. It started shaking again and all of these numbers started popping up... The nurses eyes got REAL big and she looked from the readout to me and back to the readout... she started shaking her head as she wrote the number down on my chart. She pulled me into the other room and gave the chart to the other nurse... the other nurse looked at it, then looked at the first nurse, then back to the chart, then back to the first nurse, then they both looked at me... they were impressed, yet not impressed, if you know what I mean... I was going to joke with them and tell them it was all cock, but I was feverish (feverful?) and not thinking straight... I could tell they were disgusted with me...
So they took my pulse and my blood pressure and such and herded us into another room (probably so the other patients wouldn't be shocked at our appearance...
Nice Dr. Aguillar came in... started asking what was wrong with the Noner... Fever, cough, stuff like that... It was sad... he took her temp, listened to her lungs, looked in her ears... Told me she was sick.
Then he looked at me and said "whats wrong with you, you big fat pussy?" and I said, well, I got this here wheeze, and cold sweats, and fever and stuff... He said it was probably because I am a big fat fucker, but what the hell, lets take a look... He looked in my mouth and his eyes got all big... "Hhmnnn..." he said.
He pulled up my shirt and found a spot where the hair was not too thick and put the stethoscope on it... told me to breath, and breath again, and again... he told me to cough... so I coughed... he told me to breath again...
"Hhmnnn..." he said...
"well, you fat fucker, apparently you are sick also, but much much worse... You have Atypical Bacterial Bronchitis!!!"
He started writing out prescriptions... Antibiotics, an inhaler and some cough syrup... But because I am a white male between 18 and 40 he only gave me a thimbleful of cough syrup, in case I got sick just to get some codeine... He told me to go home and sleep and drink a lot of fluids...
So me and the Noner went rolling across town to get our scrips filled... I tried to rush it so I could get the car back to my lovely wife before she had to leave... I felt bad for her, since I was truly dieing and she would soon be a widow and she would have to start all over and find a new better husband so I could sit in whatever place I end up and look up or down (as the case may be) and cry because she is so much happier now...
But the friggin' pharmacist was fucking around with some dude that had been diagnosed with Diabetes or something... explaining shit to him... oh, boo hoo, poor diabetic... DAMMITT... I am dying here... gimme my drugs...
So while we waited we ran to the store and got some Sprite.. and a couple Lunchables for the girls, and a couple of Tony's Pizza's to get me healthy again...
Uhhh... Damn, long story short... I went home, the lovely wife was gone, it was better that way, no need for her to start worrying yet... let her have a few more hours of relative security before she moves on...
So I ate pizza, took some codeine cough syrup, topped it off with some dextromethorphan (I read somewhere this was a good idea) and went to bed... when my lovely wife got home I informed her I was dying, truly truly sick, and suggested that she wait until after my body had been disposed of before she started dating again... She agreed to wait... but only if I promised not to hang on for TOO long...
So I slept, took my medicine, took a shower, trimmed the forest (boys do it too), etc., etc...
Unfortunately for my wife I have survived... I can smell now, I am not coughing, my lungs are not weezing... it is sweet...
donuts in the last 4 hours), see if I can't lose about 20 lbs... My personal goal is to be able to buy some original Levi's 501 shrink to fit jeans and actually wear them... eventually cut them off for some kick ass boys daisy dukes... I am practicing (in my mind) already... I am starting to watch my diet (as I type this, let it be known, that I have eaten 4 Krispy KreamOoops, my wiener fell out of my shorts again... here, let me pick that up for you (as I bend over, ass in the air for full affect)... it is going to be so sweet...
posted by Catfish at 10:56 AM
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