Cash Only

This isn't how it started, but I remember being asked if I knew anyone that would take on a sick mountain beaver.  I knew it was a trick, someone trying to lead me into a path of lies and deception.  Of course I knew someone that would take on a sick mountain beaver.  I have typically been attracted to "special cases", if you know what I mean, and I think you do.  But it was too early and too soon to walk into this trap, especially since we were going to lunch and would be walking along the train tracks with the grafiti and the hobos, and you know where that takes you.  So I just kinda laughed it off...  I wasn't completely sure that she knew anyone with a sick mountain beaver, or if she had been checking out my package and was trying to subtly hint that, beyond a "piggy back ride" she was looking for some special attention to her lady parts.
I always assume that the girls want me to pay special attention to their lady parts, I guess that is how I roll.
I had already mentioned that when we went to lunch that this wasn't a date, just a couple folks having some good eats, you dig, and she would have to pay her own way.  If a chick is paying her own way it means there isn't going to be any shenanigans, generally speaking.  There could be shenanigans.  For more information on lunchtime shenanigans, involving parking garages and rampant nudity, just text me.
So, I was all like, lets go get some BBQ.  It's payday and I am feeling rich.  And she was all like, that sounds like a lot of effort.  And I was all like, there will be hobo's and train tracks and grafiti, and she was all like, my BF is super smart, and I was all like, I am generally acknowledged to be smarter that most people you would assume are smarter than me, so she was all like, ok, lets get some bbq, and I was all like, ok, hows 11 o'clock sound and she was all like, that is way too early, and I was like, bitch, I need to eat and when are you free and where are you because you aren't answering my texts.  Then she came over and was like, how how come you aren't answering my texts, and I was all I like, I been talking to my boy here and didn't know you were texting me and are you ready to go?  And she was all like, no...  WTF?!?!? 
So I went back to my desk and maybe did some work and maybe pretended to be working, I'm not sure, that part is hazy.  I think I was listening to Morrissey.
So I finally found my balls and was all like, you know what, I'm gonna go downstairs and I'm starving, are you gonna get your ass down anytime soon.  She was all like, yeah, gimme about 5 minutes.  Whatever...

Long story short, well, not really, but we tried to catch a bus and the driver was all like, fuck off, this is my last stop, and I was all like, that's pretty rude, and he was all like, well, where are you going, and I told him and he was like, yeah, fuck off.  Oh, and this chick was with me, so I looked extra uncapable of fathering any offspring that would amount to anything...  I kinda shrugged it off since I been fixed and am not capable of fathering children anymore anyhow, although I can still go through the paces, just keep that in mind, yo...

So we went down the street, then crossed another street, then had to cross another street, past the train tracks.  The hobo's must have seen me coming and they all disappeared, but we got to see a lot of graffiti (this would never hapen in Malaysia).  I was all like, hey, look at how fancy I am because I know where dudes go to spray paint shit all over the place and she was hella impressed, but who wouldn't be.  Then we crossed another street and she just kept on walking and I was all like, HEY, where are you going?  because we were there.  I could smell it!!!

I went up to the window and said howdy to the owner and the nice Mexican people behind the counter and ordered up.  Then the chick I was with was all like, OH, they only take cash and she didn't have any cash.  So I had to pony up the cash for her lunch, which suddenly turned this into a date. AWESOME!!!  That means I could expect some action, because, really, if you pay for lunch for some chick the least they can do is put out.  I think this is common knowledge, and really, common courtesy.  I mean, really, how rude would that be if you bought someone lunch, after they were talking about their beaver and then all you get is some sort of "I'll get you back" kinda pat on the ass.  It's kind of a given. 

Oh, BTW, anyone wanna go to lunch anytime soon?

As I write this (and this is absolutely fictional) I am finishing the last of the pulled pork with a hotlink. It is AWESOME!!!  It is making my lips tingle, which is funny, well not really, but it reminds me of the BJ I got after I paid for lunch and she still had bbq sauce on her lips and it made my man parts tingle.  That totally did not happen, but it makes for a better story.  Actually, it doesn't sound that awesome. 
1) Because I am totally devoted to my wife
2) It would have been along the train tracks and the hobos would have probably watched and, well, never mind..
3) I seldom let people I don't know well give me bj's, even if I do pay for their lunch.
4) It weren't no thing...  shoot, it was just lunch.  Come on people!!!

There's probably more, but it doesn't really matter, you know.  I think I ended up naked at one point, there were some (2) guns drawn, but my exquisite nudity and general flexibility defused the situation.  Oh, there were a lot of dogs, that was strange... 

I think I missed something, but I will probably remember later and bring it up and we will all laugh about it and some ways down the road we will say something about "remember that time"...