I smell real good and my back is oily...

Hey, I'm on my new computer, look at me...
Ok, so you know how I was telling you that I was going to the spa with my team from work? Yeah? No?
Well, somehow before I showed up my team did something fantastic and they won something, I am not really sure how it came down, but all of a sudden my boss (X-Khan) tells us we are going to the spa and do we want a facial or a massage... Heh..
So, that was today. The plan was that we would leave at 11 and go the Purple, which is apparently a wine bar. There was a lot of wine there so I have to believe them. Anyway, me and the dude that sits next to me and this chick that sits across the way, we walked up there, took the long way around because we were idiots or something, but we got there ahead of all the people that drove, so there. Anyway, we get there and they tell us to go upstairs and into the back and so we did and there was the biggest friggin table I have ever seen up there and it was really cool. We all sat down and ordered wine and they brought appetizers (horse de overies) of that cheese wrapped in filo dough and baked (damn that stuff is good) and some pita bread that we were supposed to spread this dippin' stuff on... it was ok, except for the red dippin' sauce... I got to listen to many amusing conversations, but me and the dude that sits next to me (who was sitting next to me) just kinda sat there... he was being shy, I think, and I was just listening and plotting... and I think I was kinda nervous about the massage I was gonna be getting...
See, I had never gotten a massage before... You know, professionally... I was thinking about it, see, I had always told people that I needed to maintain a steady level of stress and was worried that I might lose my groove is someone fucked with that... Hell, I had a million excuses really, but to be honest (perhaps) I think it might have something to do with having some strange person touching me for money... running their oily fingers through my pelt, you know... some people don't dig the pelt for some reason... although, the ones that do enjoy the pelt are the best people in the world...
Anyhow, we walked and talked on the way down to the spa and the dude I was with was telling me about his last massage and how he was sitting around naked with this robe on and all these hot masseuse gals were walking around and they would come and get you and dry your feet because you had been soaking them in hot water and something, and he was all full of anticipation or something and all of a sudden this guy (Paul?) came for him and he ended up being naked and getting a massage from a dude... I thought about his story trying to figure where the problem was, then I figured he was a little something something about having been manhandled... hmmnn, I was not especially worried about some dude rubbing all over me... I don't think, I don't know, I just remember wondering about it...
Like, was I just supposed to strip down naked when I got there? Would we all be sitting around naked with robes and drinking champaign, me and my co-workers??? Oh, it went on and on...
Well, before I tell you that, let me tell you, Belltown is full of friggin' wasteoids... Holy Shit, I never seen so many people walking around stoned... I mean really really stoned... all slitty eyed and walkin' slow and definately high... it was wild...
This dude went up the the dirty hippie I work with and asked for change, right, and the dude I work with was all like, why the hell would I give you any change, you got money for cocaine, so why would I give you some change, and they dude was all like, whaaattt? and the dude I work with told him he had a white circle around his nostril from snortin something, and the dude was all like, oh yeah, shoot... and went walking away (wiping his nose)...
Anyhow, this is really getting long, so let me say, I drank champaign all swanky like out of a cup that looked like one of those old jam jars, I didn't get to see any of my co-workers naked, I didn't get naked myself, kept my man panties on (yeah, I wore panties today since I was concerned, you dig) and had one hell of a fantastic massage... only lasted half an hour, but I can definately see why people would do that...
Anyway, I was making some small talk with the gal that was rubbing me and I asked her if she gave massages because she loved people, and she said no. She did it because she could make more money working part time doing this than she could working full time doing something else...
Then I told her about the Jesus blog and tried to explain about what it was and stuff, but I don't think I did a good job. She asked if I meant the Jesus from the bible and I was like, yeah, but he is like a normal dude that just does things... and she was like, what? and I told her about the cape and giving high 5's and how he had a lamb named Karen and stuff, but there was just something missing, like I was insane or she was not amused, I don't know... but I did my part, you know, tried to spread the word... whoa... does this mean I have a relationship with Jesus now? hmmnnn...
Oh, and I think I might be sick... my throat hurts, but my lovely hawt wife says it might be from the massage... I think it is because the dude that sits next to me infected me because my throat was sore this morning and I feel all phlegmy.. flemmy... runny boogery down the throaty... damn...

I like riding the bus

I like to ride the bus.
I look out the window and try to peak into all the cars that go by, see if I can spot anyone doing anything naughty, you know. I have seen dudes with beer, seen dudes with marijuana pipes, seen people picking their noses, etc... It's always the dudes doing something naughty, or at least not legal. Where's all the chicks driving down the road with the hoo-has hanging out? Or their skirts hitched up around their waists? Dammit, only thing I ever see chicks doing is talking or texting on their phones or maybe putting on make-up... Or looking at maps... Damn...
Most of the time, and this is twisted, I look for people I might know but don't want to know any longer... You know what I mean? Like people I used to know but would try to avoid if I saw them while I was walking in the mall... Well, actually, sometimes I am just looking for someone I might know but haven't seen in a long time and if I did see them walking down the mall I would try to bump into, unless of course they saw me first and took the appropriate action to avoid me... hhmmnn, I wonder if this happens all the time and I just don't realize it... hmmnnn...
If I did see someone I knew while I was riding on the bus there isn't much I could do about it, I think that might be the beauty of it... It's not like I can shout out at them, or knock on the window to try and get their attention, and even if I could somehow get their attention and they saw me and I saw them it would only be for a moment and there couldn't be any meaningful exchange of information... it would turn into one of those deals where I would be able to tell my lovely wife, Hey, guess who I saw while I was riding on the bus and they were driving by in a single occupancy vehicle contributing to traffic... and she would shrug or maybe say something like: Who? and I would say: this dude I used to know...
And it would most likely be a dude I used to know, if I were to bring it up...
It is very unlikely that I would say, HEY, I saw my ex-girlfriend driving down the road and she looked fabulous. Or she still had a unibrow although I had never noticed this fact myself in the time that I had known her although it is probably true because the last one didn't like to, uhhh, be feminine or something, shave her places and stuff, generally anything that you would read about in a woman's magazine about how to maintain your parts, that kind of thing... yeah, I wouldn't mention that...
Sometimes, when I am on the bus, I just kinda hide, HEY, like yesterday... I accidentally made eye contact with David, thats the retarded dudes name, David, and he looked like he wanted to make friends with me... Dude, he was heading right for me, and I didn't have anywhere to run, so I became extremely interested in my book, it was the only thing in the world that existed, OH, sorry, didn't see you standing there. He ended up sitting and talking to this dude that was in the seat right next to me, I think it went like this:
Dude: Oh-oh, here comes trouble.
David: DRRrrrrrr, here comes trouble.
Dude: Who do you think is going to win dancing with the stars?
David: UHhhmm, Drrrr... I don't know.
Dude: What about american idol, did you vote for anyone.
David: Uhhh, DRRR, YES!!!
Dude: Who?
David: Uhhh, DRRRrrrr..
Dude: Do you watch those shows?
David: Drrr... NO!!!
I had about enough at about this point and cranked up my Senheiser PMX100's to drown it out... It worked pretty good, for a moment or two, then I saw some movement and looked up and David was switching seats, so he was right across from me, and looking at me... I looked down and didn't move, maybe if I didn't move he wouldn't see me... I would sneak a peak every once in a while and he was just sitting there... but, but then, he started digging in his mouth... Dude, that was how it started last time, remember that, with the puddle, yeah... There was no puddle this time though, he was just digging around in there... apparently not finding anything, although I hate to think of what he might have lost... I bet he is one of those dudes that swallows things and you hear about on the interwebs when they talk about strange things found in peoples stomaches after they go to the doctor complaining of a stomach ache... anyhow, he ended up getting tired of sitting there and so he moved again... so then I was all alone with these 2 punks in the back... they looked like they had had a rough day, all sprawled out and quiet... one of them looked like he was about 13 but he had a smoke behind his ear, I didn't really look at the other dude... They left me alone until we got off the freeway then one of them started waving at me and said something about how he liked my ring, I said thanks and put my headphones back on and he kept talking but I pretended I didn't hear him, pretended so well that I have no idea what he said... instead of hearing his actual words I pretended he was making rainbows... that he was a unicorn and when he whinnied rainbows appeared and it was warm out and slightly damp because there had been a gentle sprinkle a minute before and now the flowers were blooming... that dude rocked...

Long and drawn out and probably of no interest to anyone... but please love me anyhow...

Ok, just scatting here, so check it out...
Uhh, it seems like something was going on last week, can't remember, but dig this, we had this big ass meeting here on Thursday, had it scheduled for 5pm to 6:30. I figured I wouldn't be able to get home when it was over if I stayed so I left early. Didn't figure there would really be anything that I needed to know about, but I did hear rumours that there was going to be some talk about the dress code. I figured it would be just a reminder, like, HEY, you know we have this dress code so stop dressing like a bum. Not for me, but some of the other folks, I always look smooth...
Anyhow, I came in the next morning, being Friday and casual day, still looking nice, but wondering if there had been any extreme messages given on the policy. As soon as I got in the dude next to me is all like, HEY!!! Did you hear about the dress code? and I was like NO! So we went over it and I was all like, HOLY SHIT!!!
No more comfortable shoes
No more polo shirts (except on Fridays, whew)
No jeans unless they are "dress" jeans.
and assorted other heavy heavy stuff.
So of course I am not pleased about this development, tried to figure out a way to wiggle out of it, like maybe it didn't apply to me or there was just a horrible horrible mistake. Perhaps it was a bad joke. Apparently not, according to my boss, X-Khan.
I joked, I was going to make a game of it, do like a Men in Black thing, you know, make dress up fun...
So I rolled with it and decided to do some shopping on Saturday, so I did.
Went to Poverty Bay and got some coffee and some cold brew espresso and a 16oz iced Americano, yumm... Since I was so close I stopped in at the computer store and got 2 512mb sticks of Ram to add to my computer... really wanted to do this for some time, really really wanted to...
Then I ran on down to the supermall and got some new fancy shoes, and a couple pairs of chinos and 4 button down shirts (maybe 5)... I really hated doing this, but I kept telling myself it weren't no thing and it would actually be good for me...
Ran around and finally got home, showed off my new clothes then dug right into the computer. Now, some of you might disagree or something, but adding Ram to a computer is really super easy, hell, all you got to do is find the slot and stick it in, and I'm a pro at that, if you know what I mean, but... Sometimes you go digging for the slot and start sticking things in and all hell breaks loose, you know... I am still not really sure what happened, I know there was a lot of noise and it was really dusty and my lovely wife was sitting on the couch, I remember she asked me if I knew what I was doing, I believe I said something along the lines of Hell Yes... So I jammed the Ram in the slots and was all proud of myself for a job well done, and I hit the power button on the computer and POOF! Well, it wasn't so much poof as it was shooting sparks and flames and such. I blew on the flames, I took a can of air and blasted the flames, but it just seemed to fuel the fire, for some reason... Now, it wasnn't like some major movie special affects where there were explosions and shit, it was just some popping and little tiny glowing flames on the motherboard. I tried to keep it cool, I turned off the power and tried to see if I could salvage things... I removed some of the Ram and hit the power button, and it went beep beep beep. So I removed some and swapped it out and hit the power and it went beep beep beep.
I took a peak at my old lady and she was looking at me like I was a major disappointment... I grabbed the laptop and sat on the couch next to her and started using the google to figure out what I already knew, that the computer was pooched... Blew the motherboard... fuck...
So I started shopping for a new one, hey, thats fun... but I didn't want to get windows Vista, blah blah blah, send in rebates, blah blah, etc...
Anywho, so I went to the Opera on Sunday... La Boheme... it was cool, we were way up high and dressed shabbily, comparitively speaking... I didn't want to enjoy it, it was 3 hours long and such, but I really did... but even though I enjoyed it I wanted some sort of, I don't know, compensation or dispensation or something, you know, for going outside the box or something... hard to explain...
I believe the trouble is probably that I am having my Manses... my time of the month or something... feeling moody and uncomfortable lately... anyhow...
So sunday evening I find a computer I wanted, a bare bones system that should just scream... right at about $300, and I can salvage the rest of the parts from my old one, sweet eh?
Monday my lovely sweet wife went to the computer store and picked it up for me, so I busted my ass home and dug right into that one... put in the big ass power supply from my old comp, tons of power you dig, no problem... but the dvd rom and dvd burner in, sweet, no problem, put the 2 hard drives in, piece of cake... put in the audio card, cool... grabbed the video card and tried to fit that in... uhh, it don't fit, what the hell?!? Oh, it is a AGP card and I don't have a AGP slot, but I do have a nice PCI express slot... damn, so I gotta get a new video card, ok, no problem, in the meantime I will just plug the monitor into the onboard video place thing, uhh, except it doesn't have one... shit... ok, lets move on, I will get everything else hooked up and worry about the card later... so I grab the skinny ide cord and plug it in to the mother board and am thinking, hmmnn, should I plug it in to the dvd's or the harddrive... well, lets see, where is the other plug so I can figure out the best way to route the cords... uhh, where is the other plug/slot place... uhh, wtf?!?! where is it... uhhh, there isn't one... uhhh, shit... apparently this motherboard is so fancy I only have 1 place to plug in the one cord thing but 6 places to plug in this hardcore Sata lines... but my harddrives are Ide... uhh, shit... uhhh...
so I get all cranky and start feeling down on myself... goddamnit... So I do some research and find that they sell these adapters, Sata to Ide... but they are like $30 bucks a piece, and a new video card runs from $50 to $5 gajillion dollars... damn...
So I research and sweat and research some more and finally call the computer store and ask if they have these adapters and they tell me they sure do... sweet...
So I bust my ass home, planning on what I am going say when I get to the computer store so they don't think I'm a freakin' idiot... make sure I have all the acronyms correct, sound like I know what I am doing...
I bust my ass to the store and ask them, hey, wheres the sata to ide adapters, and the dude is all like, uh, well, we have ide to sata but not sata to ide (there IS a difference). So I am all like, WTF?!? but don't know enough about technology to be overly indignant... I hem and haw a bit and the dude shows me this PCI card that I can hook everything up to... and it is cheaper, so sweet... yeah, I am so happy that when I ask about the video card and the guy grabs one that is almost double what I was planning on spending I didn't say a damn thing... just paid and left...
Decided to read the instructions, just in case, you know, make sure nothing exploded... put it all together and finally turned it on... the power came on, the screen flashed, said some stuff, rebooted... turned back on, said some stuff, rebooted, over and over... hmmnn...
So I went through all our drawers and found our XP disc, stuck that in, the light came on, the computer screen flashed, said some shit, turned off, turned back on, etc... shit, I tried a couple things, nothing worked, finally started hitting random buttons, suddenly I got something new, something that I wanted... sweet... tried to follow the directions and, of course, that didn't work, tried following some instructions I found on the interwebs, and that didn't work, computer kept restarting and flashing this blue screen at me for about half a second... finally did the opposite of what the instructions said and, duh duh duh duuuhhhh... success... kinda... had to completely reinstall windows... lost a bunch of stuff, which was not a problem, because according to my old lady she wanted me to just get the damn thing up and running and had already written off the stuff she was hoping for... I finally, somehow, and with great joy, was able to get online and start downloading all the updates on the microsoft website for the last couple years... dude, there were 59 critical updates, it took for friggin ever to download them and get them installed...
Long story short, I have been hella frustrated for the last few days and am ready to scream at someone... so help me Jesus (heh)...

My History with Jesus

Ok, since Jesus seems to be all the rave lately I figured I would document my relationship with Jesus....
First Memory (at the moment): I remember going to Michigan when I was little, not sure how old I was, but I remember having to go to church and not really knowing what for. I know that the benches were hella hard and the dude in front seemed to talk on and on about something or other... not sure what though... Then I went to Sunday school and we were outside and this nest fell out of a tree and this little blue egg broke open and there was a little dead bird inside. I was quite unhappy about this, but mostly because everyone else was really bent, although, deep inside, I was amazed that little birds grew like this... Anyhow, we went in to Sunday School and we sat down and the teacher was talking about some stuff and then we had to do a project. This project involved sitting down and writing out a prayer to Jesus. I just sat there. I had no idea what to write. The teacher came over and asked what the problem was and I said I didn't know what to say, and she told me I sure DID know what to say, just write a prayer. I told her I didn't know how to write a prayer and she reiterated that it was easy as pie and to go ahead and just write a goddamn prayer already. She probably didn't say goddamn, but I started crying because I didn't know how a prayer went. Strike 1 against Jesus.
Second Memory (at the moment): I remember many nights when I was a bit older than before, where I would cry myself to sleep on my huge pillow because I was so sad and lonely and "husky" and everyone hated me and I hated myself and please help me Jesus, please help me... I would pray that Jesus would make it all better, make me less "husky" or less ugly or at least make it so I could Fly (for real). And nothing would happen. I would make some bargains with the "man", you dig, where I would be good or stop touching myself or something, you know, just to get his attention. Bartering didn't seem to get me anywhere, but it was probably because I couldn't stop touching myself. I love boners!!!
Strike 2 against Jesus.
Third Memory (at the moment): I remember when I was yet older, and I was hanging with my friend at the lake and we were drinking beer and smoking and there were these dudes down there and they started talking to us and they asked us if we had accepted Jesus as our personal lord and saviour. I said No. My buddy hadn't either. So these guys started talking a lot about how cool it was and how smoking and drinking was bad and Jesus was good and he could make everything all better and they asked us to pray with them and we could start talking in tongues if the spirit moved us and so we all got in a circle and they started praying and gibber-jabbering away and I tried, I really tried, but nothing happened and they asked us if we wanted to be baptised and I told them I never had been and didn't want to now, but my friend said sure (he was looking for something meaningful) so they took him out into the lake and dunked him under a couple times and asked him if he accepted Jesus as his personal saviour now and he said Yes. I don't think it lasted too long, I seem to recall him being a real bastard and trouble maker even after that. I think he might be in jail now. Strike 3 Jesus!!!
Fourth Memory of Jesus (at the moment): So I was even older, and me and my friends were hanging out with these hippies that we had met somewhere. They had moved out from Colorado and they were hella burned out. Total freaks, really. But they would buy us beer and my friends would get stoned with them and it gave us some place to hang out. Anyhow, they met this other dude that was a trust fund brat who had some cash and drugs and was just out of rehab or something, so we went over to his room (they were all living in this hole in the wall motel) and we met this dude. He looked familiar. He went into the bathroom and came out and he had this belt tied around his arm and a needle sticking out of his arm and he was trying to force some cocaine up into his vein. He came over to me and asked me to loosen the belt and so I did. I had never seen shit like this before in my life. So I took the belt off and he finished injecting the cocaine and he looked very happy. I said to him, you know, you look just like those pictures of Jesus. And he replied that maybe he was and maybe he wasn't, who was to say. Which I took to mean that he was neither confirming nor denying that he might be and noone really could say he was or wasn't. It made perfect sense. Dude, and he was barefoot and he went out and was supposed to get us some beer at the store but he disappeared for a couple hours and when he came back he DID have the beer but it was warm or something. Another Strike against Jesus.
Then, lastly, I went out to lunch last week and we went to Quiznos, you dig, and I been reading that Jesus loves Quiznos so I was looking at everyone that came in, you know, in case it was him or something. It was really weird, looking for Jesus in Quiznos. Then this dude came in that I thought just maybe was him. But, you know, last time I asked someone if they were Jesus it didn't go really swell or something, so I didn't want to ask. So I thought I would make sounds like Lambs gamboling in a field or something, you know, Baahhhh... but, before I did, I figured that, you know what, if you go around making sounds like that in Quiznos you will most likely get everyones attention, so it wouldn't be a real good test. So I just sat there and ate my sandwich.
I am sure there were other moments in my life where I tried to have a relationship with Jesus, but you know, it just never happened. And I am fine with that.

Random crap brought about because my birthday is tomorrow and I was being instrospective

I was born in Redmond at Overlake hospital, May 11th, 1968. It was a Saturday, the moon was this close (--) to being full. I was not born on mothers day as I have often claimed.
I was huge, or my mom was tiny... I was killing her. She weighed something like 98lbs by the time I was born. I was sucking the life right out of her. They had to cut me out of her... happens all the time, I suppose.
I was, coincidentally born 6 months after my parents got married... but I was full term... hmmnnn... My theories on this are multifold, mostly focusing on how the ladies can't resist the men in my family, even if they really should... well, except for me, noone should resist me...
Somehow, the details are fuzzy, but I may have been pigeon toed or something when I was little, because apparently my parents used to put me in this harness to straighten my legs while I slept. I don't remember this but have been told it was true...
Believe it or not, I had a speech impediment when I was young... Somehow I ended up going to a "special" school for first grade or kindergarten (again, kinda fuzzy) called "Ashwood"... I remember is was "Ashwood" because the little bastards in my neighborhood that used to torment me would ask me, over and over, to say the name of the school I went to, and I would say "Asswood"... I couldn't say Shhh back then or something... I think this is why I mumble today...
I used to sneak into the laundry rooms at our apartments with this little mexican girl and we would hide in the closet and take off our clothes and "show" each other our bits... I remember her name was Maria...
I played baseball, but was always getting hit by the ball so I didn't want to play anymore...
I had trouble telling my D's from my B's (lowercase) and once wrote this story about how I rode my bike into a "dush"... my mom thinks this is friggin' hilarious...
We moved to the westside in 1976... I was husky and the kids were always making fun of me, for being husky and not taking criticism well, actually... I read a lot and didn't have any girlfriends...
In 7th grade I grew 3 inches taller, but only gained half a pound... I was akward and this dude hit me on the bus one day, he was a bad kid... When I got off the bus I turned and flipped them off... I can still see it, it was like they were popcorn in a popcorn popper when I did that, all the agitation and shit... damn...
They were out to get me... there was like 4 of them and they would push me around at school and tell me they were going to beat the crap out of me after school... I stopped taking the bus and started riding my bike, but then they would flatten my tires at school so I started running home from school... I would bust a move out the door when the bell rang and you know what?!? I got so fast I would beat the bus home... So I joined track... I was pretty fast at mid distances, not fast enough to sprint, but consistant enough to run the 400... but I hated all the work involved and somewhere in there I started smoking, probably 9th grade... I was big enough by this time and the bad kids had moved on to highschool so noone fucked with me anymore... I was one of the bad kids, although I was not really bad... but I hung out with the bad kids... they did bad things... I kept them out of trouble... when I was not around they would get into all sorts of trouble, when I was around they didn't... hmmmnnn... My mom still wags her finger at me when she talks of these days and my trouble maker friends...
I hated highschool... it was way too slow and I did not like the popular kids, or the jocks, so I hung out with the stoners and the nerds... Funny, I didn't consider myself one of them, just needed someplace to go...
By the time I was a senior I had fulfilled all but 1 of my graduation requirements, so my last semester of school I had 3 PE classes, study hall, early dismisall and English... I needed english to graduate... I remember kicking some serious ass at Volleyball and lifting the most in the clean and jerk or whatever it was called...
Somewhere in there I had sex with a girl, an actual girl... in the back of my parents truck while it was loaded with all these garbage bags full of leaves... it wasn't that great, but I did it... I remember my pants getting all wet because the bags of leaves were leaking and being very distracted by it...
I got my first car, a '74 Mustang II sometime in there... bought it for $700... I remember searching and searching for a car and finally we went to this carlot, me and the rest of the family, and I remember my dad asking the salesman where the $700 cars were and the dude pointed towards the back and there it was, like a beacon... it was a Mustang, Yeah!!! I miss that car...
I got out of school, told myself and everyone else that I had no plans on going to college, that it was a waste of time, etc... so I washed dishes, and sold auto parts and loaded cargo planes and finally figured out that I hated manual labor and the people that do it... Oh, somewhere in there I threw freight at a couple grocery stores, and hated it...
I moved out with a friend of mine, that lasted for about 4 days before the old bastards that owned the place told us to get out and gave us our money back... it sucked, I had been working the whole time so missed all the fun stuff...
I tried moving to California to hook up with a friend off mine, he said he could hook me up with a job making $21 an hour doing some sort of government construction projects... I packed up all my stuff and took an envelope full of money down and by the time I got there my friend had been fired... so we went to Vegas for a couple days, then went to Barstow, then went to San Diego, then back to Vegas... We met these girls from Sweden that needed a lift to San Francisco... they were hot so we drove them to San Francisco... they told us many times how ignorant American men were and how they missed these boys they had met somewhere and basically they were bitches and wanted to NOT have sex with me, so when we got to Frisco I unloaded their shit and left them (and my friend, he had his car by then) and drove home alone... talk about a long shameful drive... Damn...
So I worked, met a girl, went to school, broke up with girl, met a different girl, kept going to school, met another girl who took my breath away (and still does), broke up with girl, was a very bad waiter at the Olive Garden, waited and waited ffor the breathtaking girl to show up, she showed up and I fell in love with her and wrote bad poetry, hoping she would read between the lines and love me back... I think I just confused her... but I was slick and gave her a breathmint one night and ate one myself and said something about how our lips were so close, and we kissed and kissed and kissed and so on... WOW!!! for real...
My heart still beats a joyful pitter patter when I think of that...
We decided we loved each other and there was some random crap to deal with involving, well, random crap, I suppose... She moved in with me with her moms blessing, we moved to Seattle, and had crappy jobs... We got married and drove around for a week, nearly froze to death camping in the mountains...
We moved to Kent... We moved to Bothell... We moved back to Kent... We made babies... We went to North Dakota a couple times... Uhh, I am sure some other stuff, really important stuff, happened in there...
I am sure that I left out some painful memories... like the time I fell down at Disneyland and flipped off one of the chipmunks (got 7 stitches in my chin), or the time my apendix almost burst but everyone thought I was just hung over and the doctor says it almost burst and it was the easiest apendectomy he ever done. It was very painful and the dr. in the ER had to stick his finger up my butt for some reason (I think he was a doctor) but they gave me 100mg of Demerol right into my butt also, so it wasn't all bad... Oh, and the time I had a 3000lb pallet of Autoparts fall on the tip of my finger and I had to go to the hospital to have surgery... they took skin from the side of my hand and my general butt area to rebuild the tip of my finger and the nurse held my hand during the whole operation and I was in a cast for a month so I learned to play darts left handed...
Yeah, there are a lot of things I left out... things about ladies and drinking and drugs and violence and death and all the other negative stuff...
Left out a bunch of happy stuff too... not that there is much point to any of this... but when I think about it, if I think long and hard, I am pleased and happy and suprised and totally loving my beautiful wife and lovely daughters... I would go through all of it all over again if it meant that I could be with my old lady still or again...
Oh, and tomorrow is my birthday, so I guess there is a tie in there somewhere... go figure...

Diary of a potenttially mad older getting man

Aaahhh, so...
So I got the big birthday coming up this Friday. I'm gonna call it now, this is going to be the "hump day" birthday. As in, I will be over the hump... past the half way point, the point of no return. It's all downhill from here...
I could go at any time, you dig, and I figure it is, statistically speaking, getting more and more likely.
But considering that I have already lived for a, uhh, considerable amount of time (by my reckoning) already I probably have a long long time to go. I have a plan... it ain't much of a plan, but it is my plan...
I am going to go a bit more insane... just a bit...
I hope to be one of those insane but friendly old dudes and write things that, when people read them, will confuse them... If I work hard and am diligent I figure I can be just like William S. Burroughs, but less homo and probably not a junkie... and I will write things like this:

Love Your Enemies
It isn't easy to love an enemy. This goes against your most basic survival instinct, but it can be done and turned to an advantage.
Let the love squirt out of you like a fire hose of molasses. Give him the kiss of life. Stick your tongue down his throat and taste what he has been eating and bless his digestion. Ooze down into his intestines and help him along with his food.
Let him know you revere his rectum as part of an ineffable hose. Make him understand that you stand and lick it off his genitals as part of the Master Plan.
Life in all it's rich variety, do not falter. Let your love enter into him and penetrate him with a divine lubricant. Makes KY and Lanolin feel like sandpaper. It's the most muscologinous, the slimiest, ooziest lubricant that ever was or shall be.

And I will have the same old Trophy wife that I have now. That will be sweet. She will most likely be insane also, seeing as I will have driven her crazy... er... crazier... It goes to reckon that spending this much time with me would have profound impacts on a persons sanity... Hell, she must be crazy to be with me in the first place... and I have a history of making the ladies crazy, just look around... heck, take a look in the mirror ladies... yeah...
Nothing really stands out about the big 39 to make it any different from the big 38... somehow I will miss the 38... it seems like a nice number, don't you think? I think I will also like 43 for some reason... but not 42... 42 seems evil for some reason...
Ahh, I don't know what I am getting at... I really don't... I just haven't been able to get my head in the right place lately, the right place being an abstract location.
Bare with me for a moment or two, I am just gonna scat a bit...
Let's see... OK, so speaking of SCAT and ENEMIES, I was having issues in my mind with Mr. Seattle lately, been going back and forth about it, and I recognize this, you dig, I could see what I was doing, you know... and it just ain't healthy, but it can be amusing at times... See, I had this plan, it was not a good plan, but I was thinking, Hey, I will invite him to be a shiny happy friend, you dig, keep your friends close and your enemies closer, you know... and I was thinking that it would be like some kind of movie, you know, where there is a curmudgeonly old cop and some smartass young cop and the old cop just wants to do things by the book and retire and shit, but the smartass young cop comes in and doesn't want to follow the rules... you know the story, we have seen it a million times... well, in this story I keep trying to bust down the young cop and everyone is all like, Hey, he's cool, why don't you just mellow out, let him do his thing, and I am all like: Are you people insane?!?! He is the antichrist... and everyone would accuse me of just being an old fart and so I would end up holed up with this dude and there would be a gunfight and he would want to be all rambo rambshackle and shit and I would hatch this plan, real quick like, in my mind and the perfect moment would present itself and I would shoot him in the ass, you know, to take him out of my misery for a while... Ooops, I would say, and everyone would be all like: you did it on purpose, you're an asshole, and I would try to defend myself but finally give up and retire... and I would tend my garden and those sticks for my dog and maybe walk on the beach, but at night before I went to bed I would look at the plaque on the wall with my badge and shit and get all misty eyed... AND THEN, and then, all of a sudden people would start calling me and telling me I was right all along, he really IS a knob and they are sorry they didn't see it before and would I consider coming back, and I would think about it for a while and finally agree to come back, you dig... and a week or two later, after it was really awkward for a while, because no one wanted to admit that they wanted me back because, even though the other dude was a complete knob he still had some sort of charisma that confused people and made them go along with whatever crap he came up with, I would find myself in a similar situation, a gunfight of some sort and I would have a flashback to where I had shot him in the ass before and I would find myself raising up my gun and the audience would be all like, OH NO!!! and this time... I would shoot him in the other ass cheek... BAM!!! and the knee... and the bad guys would get away and I would end up going to jail, but I would be happy, because I was a crooked cop all along and a lot of my buddies were in jail with me....
This would really work, you know, if I could get Steve McQueen or Robert De Niro to play me and he could just play himself... it will be his big break... but I decided that I was probably WAY insane for thinking of doing this, it would serve no useful purpose, would really be, uh, small of me or something... petty... annoying really...
Uhh, yeah... anyhow... just scatting, you know... nothing of a lot of value, I guess...

Sofa King We Tard Ed Proof

Occassionally I have been known to exagerate a bit, to expand the truth to its breaking point, or outright make shit up... Or have I?!? I submit to you that everything I say here is the gawd hawnest truth!!!
You need proof? You don't trust me and you want me to somehow "back up" my claims?
FINE!!!
See that there picture up there? I took that on the bus yesterday. Right there at the tippy end of the error, you see that??? You know what that is? Thats right... a puddle... made by a retarded kid. I watched him make it... Dammit... the seat started out dry, it was dry when I got there... I was actually sitting in the seat in front of him but had to move 'cause... well, he was making noises... juicy gushy noises... so I moved... and I watched as he made his puddle...
I don't know what the hell he was doing, I really don't... I would look his way and there would be some moistness, you know, then I would look away, fighting the gag reflex (insert oral sex joke here)... then I would look back and it would be, well, more moist, then downright damp, then, uh, well, wet, then really wet and puddly...
It was like magic, it really was... like some David Blaine trick or something... How did he get it there? I don't know... omg, I'm so freaked out...
And you just KNOW he left it there... some poor sucker probably sat in it later, thinking it was just, like, rain or something...
Hell, I probably sat in some of his juice at one point or another... them buses are nasty...
I guess the take away we get from this would be:
A) You can believe everything I tell you
B) After you touch my butt you probably don't want to rub your eye or touch some other "sensetive" spots because I may have sat in a retarded kids puddle...
C) Don't be scared to touch my butt, though... that is what the message is NOT...

Badass with a capital B...

Ya'll know I'm badass, right? I mean, you are aware that I come from the westside of the valley (representin')... that I was raised on the streets of Federal Way, bust'n heads every other day, ladies danglin' from my nutsack all the time, you dig? That is where I honed my skills, became a world class cage fighter (back then we didn't have cages so we would circle up a bunch of dumpsters) and lover of ladies... Used to ride the 174, just for laughs... THAT is how badass I am, yo...
Well, check this out...
Last night I had this dream, right, where I had this viscious kitten in a box... I was careful not to shake the box too much so the kitten wouldn't get too pissed off, you know... So I would go around and try to drum up a kitten fight with other dudes that had kittens... What we would do is set the 2 kittens in a box with their kitten food, but we would put each kitten next to the food bowl for the other, so that when they started eating the other kittens food the other kitten would get all sorts of pissed off and start fighting... then we would bet on who's kitten was going to win and we would punch each other on the shoulders and shit... So this dude came rolling up in his sweet ass ride, you know, and he got out and had his kitten box and I was like: Hey, lets do it... but he didn't want to and I was all like: Come on, punk... and he wouldn't, so I looked in the box and it was just a little baby, and it was really cute, and I was like: Hey, it looks tough enough. So I grabbed it and put it in the box with my kitten and kinda shook up the box, just to get them rattled, and the little kitten started eating my kittens food and I was all thinkin': It's on now, my kitten is going to destroy that other kitten...
But then my kitten went up and started licking the little kitten while the little kitten was eating my kittens food... I was all like: WTF?!? and all my buddies started laughing at me... I shook the box a couple of times and they would just go back to eating and licking (respectively)... My buddies kept laughing at me, but I was watching the kittens and I couldn't be mad because they looked so sweet and happy in there... then I started worrying that I was a big puss or something, but also that maybe it was time to get out of the game...
Now, before ya'll start frontin' on me, you better step off... 'Cause I have this other dream I had last night...
I was picking at my fingernail, the one where the little piggy had none, next to my pinky finger... so I was pickin' and pickin, probably trying to sharpen it up so it was like a razor blade and I could shiv someone with it if I had to... you know how things like that happen sometimes... anyhow, I was pickin and pickin at it and suddenly it cracked... I looked down at it and the nail had split clear down and it was gaping open... so bad I couldn't just clip the jagged end off with some clippers, you dig... and it was bloody... didn't hurt though, hell no... so I cleaned it up best I could, you know, spit on it and wiped it on my pant leg... I was hoping it would get infected so I could squeeze the puss out in a steady stream (actually, that part really happened, but it was my dad, long story)...
So, yeah, my middle name is BADASS, yo... Catfish "BadAss" Wafer... or something like that...
DUDE!!! you wanna know how bad I am? Do you?!? Check this out...
You know how today is buddha day, kinda like Xmas and Easter and a little something extra (heh, a little something, more like EVERYTHING!!!) thrown in all together, right... So I made my lunch with NO MEAT!!! Yeah, no meat today... then I was thinking about doing the right thing ALL DAY LONG, like not cussin' or having inappropiate sex (seems right to me, how can it be wrong) or killing anyone... I managed most of it clear up to the point where I left the house... I swear, I was maybe 2 steps outta the crib this morning when I felt this crunching under my feet... I stopped for a second, just stood there thinking about what it could possibly be under my foot... something that could possibly crunch like that... I looked around and noticed there were no leaves or other random garbage laying around... I noted that it was reasonably clean all around me (reasonably)... The only real possibility left was that I had stepped on something that had crawled up onto the pavement... something that was not squishy, like a worm.
I lifted up my foot and took a little look... it was one of those potato bug lookin things, well, they don't really look like potato bugs, damn, what the hell are they call, you know, those things that curl up like an armadillo and you can flick them like a marble or something... anyhow, it was one of them...
In my life of regrets it is not the lives I have deliberately taken that haunt me at night, it's the ones that happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, I mean, damn, usually when I shoot, I shoot to kill, there ain't hardly ever a time when I accidentally hit something that I wasn't aiming for... I mean, sometimes I may hit something I hadn't planned on, you know, when I felt a need, but, damn, I hate it when I kill something that I hadn't meant to, just out of the blue... I mean, it wasn't even just a reflex savage beating or anything, I just stepped on it, man, I just stepped on it... and now it is dead... bummer...
I like to think, because it suits my purpose, that I was it's karma coming back to haunt it, or bless it... maybe this poor little thing had made some major steps and it was time for it to move on and I was the event or something that was supposed to happen to it next, I moved it on to better things... of course, where does that leave me... did I do a good thing or a bad thing? I am going to try not to think about it too much right now...