It was great...

So I totally go all oiled up last night. It was FANTASTIC.
I made sure to wear my man panties, you know, to show a modicum of decency, but somehow I ended up getting my butt all greased up. I thought it was an accident at first but then she started talking about how most peoples problems revolve around the fact that they have too much tension in their asses and she told me she was going to do something special and there were some big words being thrown around, most of which I didn't understand but I believe I did hear the word colon 5 or 6 times. She told me to relax and take it like a man, which I thought was kinda odd.
I was totally relaxed and couldn't see a thing because of the little pillow she had me put my head in, but I thought I saw some flashes of light every once in a while. Anyhow, she kept pushing and pulling on my muscles and at one point I heard her whisper something like "oh my"... not like you just dropped something, but more like that seen in Bull Durham after Crash went on and on about long kisses that last a week and shit... Oh My!!!
She was dumping more and more oil on me, really getting it all over the place, you know, and all of a sudden I saw stars. I wasn't sure what was going on at first then I realized that she had stuck her finger up my butt...
Long story short, she commented upon how flexible I was and suggested I come back...
I felt great when I left, full of energy and all loosey goosey, you know...
Was driving through Covington and thought about what I had said yesterday about picking up some stray and trying to work a freebie out of her... Had my eyes out, I was feeling all sexy... Didn't see much going on, saw some scruffy looking dudes at the 76 station, thought they might be looking for some excitement, but then I started thinking about My Own Private Idaho and decided against it...
So I decided to take it on home, you know, why go out for dinner when you got a whole fridge full of cold cuts, eh? So I got home and it was all quiet and warm, could hear some people having a party next door, gentle breeze was blowing, sexy sexy night...
Noone was home, I was all alone...
I went into the kitchen and got big glass of ice water... took it into the living room and got myself down on the floor. I reached for the remote control, felt it all hard and cool in my hands... I closed my eyes and hit the big red button. I could hear the gentle hum of the tv turning on and the gentle cheer of the crowd, the crack of the bat... ooohh, runners on first and third, yeah... the pitcher winding up, gripping the ball, he lets it fly...
Ahhh, high and outside... full count... yeah... Heres the wind up, and the pitch, YEAH!!! got him standing, strike three, retires the side... ahhhh....
I took a long cool drink of water, worked some of the ice out of the glass into my mouth... took the ice and started rubbing it on my neck and chest... the water beaded up on the oil... my man boobs were all tingly... I reached over to my left and grabbed a towel, clean, just washed, felt the rough cotton in my hands, turned it over and over, and folded it... mmmmmmmm... I put it next to me and reached for another, I folded it first one way then the other into a perfect square... aaaaaaa... I put it on top of the other one, or maybe I put the other one beneath this one... One was on top of the other and they just layed there... I reached into the pile... OH!!! a washcloth... and another one... OH YES... there must have been 6 or 7 of them... eeeeeee... I folded each one, slowly and luxuriously. If I had been any one of those washclothes I would have been in heaven at the gentle folding I was giving them... Soon... far too soon... the towels were all folded, but I wasnn't ready to stop, I was just getting warmed up... I reached into the pile and found a pair of jeans... ROUGH ROUGH jeans... I layed them out on the floor, gently but deliberately lined up the seems... smoothed them out... shook them out, you dig.. let them know I was in charge... then I folded them once... gently patted them... then quickly folded them again... BAM!!! Yeah... them jeans were folded like they would never forget...
I smiled to myself, closed my eyes and reached into the pile... my fingers closed around something... Oohh, whats this?!? I pulled it out of the pile and peeked through my eyes... OH, it was a shirt... I don't fold shirts... They go on a hanger... sigh... I through it over a chair... I closed my eyes and reached in again... Uhh, uhh... a sock... hehehee... nice soft clean tube sock... hhhhhh... Oh, but where is its match... can't just have one sock... where is its mate??? This wasn't right, I started getting frantic... desperate for it... I had to find the other sock... I ripped through the pile, I found another sock, but it wasn't it's mate... couldn't put them together... found another... and another... but couldn't find the sock that I could put together with this sock... I kept digging, deeper and deeper into the pile... where is it... it has to be here somewhere... got.. to.. find... the... sock... YES... OH YES... thats the spot, there it is... it was clinging to a goddamn shirt... I peeled the sock off the shirt, tossed the shirt over the chair... held one sock in my right hand, held the other in my left hand, and slowly brought them together... Angels sang... it was perfect... I folded them together and put them next to the pile of towels and washclothes... all of them, right there together... I sat back and just kinda watched them, the were oblivious to me in their folded glory... I couldn't take my eyes off them... I reached out and found the glass of icewater and was digging around in it for another piece of ice to rub on myself... when I heard something...
Someone was rattling the door... SHIT!!! I took my hand out off the glass and grabbed the remote control and started punching at buttons hoping to find a good combination...
Got the channel changed just in time as the family came running in... I tried to look innocent, like nothing was up... but it had to have been written all over my face, I mean, my god, there was a whole pile of folded laundry, just laying out there in the open...
Luckily noone noticed... whew... I got away with it... that was close...
I played it all off, non chalant like, but I was glowing inside... my own little secret... noone would ever have to know...
HEHEHhheee... I am still glowing... and plotting... I think I might have the house to myself tonight... and I happen to know there is a pile of clothes in the dryer just waiting for me to reach in and grab them... OH, DUDE!!! there are some DIRTY clothes in the hamper... dirty dirty clothes... they don't know what they are in for tonight!!! I am gonna stuff those clothes in the washer and cover them with soap... they are gonna get agitated and spun around, they won't know what hit them... then, when they think they are done I am going to pull them out, all sopping wet and comingled and TOSS them in the dryer, let them roll around and around and around... then, when they think it is all over I will gently pull them out and fold them... piles and piles of folded clothes all laying there...
I am voracious that way... and, you know what, if I find that I have the time, I might get a little kinky, maybe cross over to the other side, wink wink... you know what I mean... as long as I can get away with it and noone EVER finds out I think I might do some dishes... SHHHHhhhh...

licky boom boom down

Somebody is getting a massage tonight!!! That's right, ME!!!
My lovely lady made me an appointment to go get rubbed down with scented oils in a shed in this chicks backyard. I hope it is like the shed in my parents backyard, with skunks living beneath it and a lawnmower in the corner. That would be sweet. Although, when my lady comes home from her massage she doesn't smell like gasoline so I doubt this will be the case.
I will be wearing my man panties... I'm just saying.
I expect that when she is done I will be floating on air, and my pelt will be all matted down. All that touching and rubbing and oil and stuff, you know I am going to be expecting a happy ending from someone, even if I have to stop by the 7-11 and offer to buy beer for someone to "finish me off". That 7-11 up on 288th usually has some shady looking "ladies" hanging out, I bet I could trick one of them into a freebie, tell them its my birthday or something. Hey baby, you wanna party? It's my birthday and I just got a massage... you got big hands, you feel like finishing me off? My wife doesn't understand me and I just need to be with someone right now...
If she goes for it, when she is done I will be all like dre and snoop, break into song and push her out of the car while it is still moving... she will probably be expecting something like this, you know, so it won't really be any big deal. Maybe I will buy her a wine cooler or something, you know, cause I know how to treat the ladies, make em feel special.
NO NO NO!!! Something special like that should not be shared with some random hussy on the street. NO!!! If there is to be any happy endings it will be at the hands of my lovely wife. Or a duly assigned proxy. I will leave it in her hands (no pun intended) as to how she would like to "handle" (pun intended) the situation.

***
Shhh... I am thinking of working from home on Thursday. Sorry, let me rephrase that... I am thinking of "working" from home on Thursday. The boss will be off. The bosses boss will be in KL, the dude that sits next to me will be off... perhaps I should work from home tomorrow instead... then have the 4th off, but then I would have to come in on Thursday all tired and shit... but it will be dead around here so there wouldn't be much going on...
Dude, someone asked me how if I still "loved" my job the other day. I think I said something about "love" being a bit strong. I do enjoy being here, but I would much rather get paid to make mud pies in the sun. Wouldn't that be great?
Then, the other day my lady said something about how I should be a masseuse massage dude, seeing as how I have big manly hands that are gentle and sensitive... but then I would have to touch pretty much anyone that came walking in the door and I am not sure I could deal with that.
Then I was thinking that pretty much no matter what job I found I would be all stressed out about having to actually do it. For real... I could have the greatest job in the world, like a job where I get paid for just being me or something, and I would sit there all day thinking to myself: Ahh, I am a fraud and I am going to get fired for no fault of my own and noone is telling me that they are disappointed in my performance and they are probably not going to fire me but because I am sitting here thinking that they are they probably think I have a negative attitude and I am bringing everybody down and so they will fire me. Shit.
I think I will change my attitude right now. Let's see.
Hey, it sure is beautiful out, eh? (Damn wish I was outside enjoying it.) shit...
Uhh, Hey, free pop, that rocks!!! (Ugghh, all that high fructose corn syrup is going to give me the diabetes) shit...
That new girl with the large breasteses keeps smiling at me! (WTF?!? she must be crazy and I am married to she needs to back it off) Shit...
Hhhmmnnn... Uh... lets see, happy... happy...
Ok, nevermind... I am going to start tomorrow. After my massage and happy ending I will have a whole new outlook on life. Tomorrow I am going to have a whole new attitude, you will be able to see it in my eyes and I will glow with a radiance of joy and love... and my old lady will be pleased and won't think that I am ugly and fat anymore... shit...

I smell real good and my back is oily...

Hey, I'm on my new computer, look at me...
Ok, so you know how I was telling you that I was going to the spa with my team from work? Yeah? No?
Well, somehow before I showed up my team did something fantastic and they won something, I am not really sure how it came down, but all of a sudden my boss (X-Khan) tells us we are going to the spa and do we want a facial or a massage... Heh..
So, that was today. The plan was that we would leave at 11 and go the Purple, which is apparently a wine bar. There was a lot of wine there so I have to believe them. Anyway, me and the dude that sits next to me and this chick that sits across the way, we walked up there, took the long way around because we were idiots or something, but we got there ahead of all the people that drove, so there. Anyway, we get there and they tell us to go upstairs and into the back and so we did and there was the biggest friggin table I have ever seen up there and it was really cool. We all sat down and ordered wine and they brought appetizers (horse de overies) of that cheese wrapped in filo dough and baked (damn that stuff is good) and some pita bread that we were supposed to spread this dippin' stuff on... it was ok, except for the red dippin' sauce... I got to listen to many amusing conversations, but me and the dude that sits next to me (who was sitting next to me) just kinda sat there... he was being shy, I think, and I was just listening and plotting... and I think I was kinda nervous about the massage I was gonna be getting...
See, I had never gotten a massage before... You know, professionally... I was thinking about it, see, I had always told people that I needed to maintain a steady level of stress and was worried that I might lose my groove is someone fucked with that... Hell, I had a million excuses really, but to be honest (perhaps) I think it might have something to do with having some strange person touching me for money... running their oily fingers through my pelt, you know... some people don't dig the pelt for some reason... although, the ones that do enjoy the pelt are the best people in the world...
Anyhow, we walked and talked on the way down to the spa and the dude I was with was telling me about his last massage and how he was sitting around naked with this robe on and all these hot masseuse gals were walking around and they would come and get you and dry your feet because you had been soaking them in hot water and something, and he was all full of anticipation or something and all of a sudden this guy (Paul?) came for him and he ended up being naked and getting a massage from a dude... I thought about his story trying to figure where the problem was, then I figured he was a little something something about having been manhandled... hmmnn, I was not especially worried about some dude rubbing all over me... I don't think, I don't know, I just remember wondering about it...
Like, was I just supposed to strip down naked when I got there? Would we all be sitting around naked with robes and drinking champaign, me and my co-workers??? Oh, it went on and on...
Well, before I tell you that, let me tell you, Belltown is full of friggin' wasteoids... Holy Shit, I never seen so many people walking around stoned... I mean really really stoned... all slitty eyed and walkin' slow and definately high... it was wild...
This dude went up the the dirty hippie I work with and asked for change, right, and the dude I work with was all like, why the hell would I give you any change, you got money for cocaine, so why would I give you some change, and they dude was all like, whaaattt? and the dude I work with told him he had a white circle around his nostril from snortin something, and the dude was all like, oh yeah, shoot... and went walking away (wiping his nose)...
Anyhow, this is really getting long, so let me say, I drank champaign all swanky like out of a cup that looked like one of those old jam jars, I didn't get to see any of my co-workers naked, I didn't get naked myself, kept my man panties on (yeah, I wore panties today since I was concerned, you dig) and had one hell of a fantastic massage... only lasted half an hour, but I can definately see why people would do that...
Anyway, I was making some small talk with the gal that was rubbing me and I asked her if she gave massages because she loved people, and she said no. She did it because she could make more money working part time doing this than she could working full time doing something else...
Then I told her about the Jesus blog and tried to explain about what it was and stuff, but I don't think I did a good job. She asked if I meant the Jesus from the bible and I was like, yeah, but he is like a normal dude that just does things... and she was like, what? and I told her about the cape and giving high 5's and how he had a lamb named Karen and stuff, but there was just something missing, like I was insane or she was not amused, I don't know... but I did my part, you know, tried to spread the word... whoa... does this mean I have a relationship with Jesus now? hmmnnn...
Oh, and I think I might be sick... my throat hurts, but my lovely hawt wife says it might be from the massage... I think it is because the dude that sits next to me infected me because my throat was sore this morning and I feel all phlegmy.. flemmy... runny boogery down the throaty... damn...