How it went down that Catfish is gettin' laid off...

So it went down like this... Ok, so this chick, she got laid off a couple days ago. I was standing down the hall there, you know, just chillin' and I see her walking towards me and there were a couple of us standing there, and she was crying and I was all like, oh shit, but there was nowhere to hide...
So she says: I just got fired. They FIRED me!!! and everyone was all like Wha-wha-what?!?! and in the ensuing confusion I slipped away, didn't want it to rub off on me...
I talked about it with a couple co-workers and we were all shocked...
I got on the IM with my boss that night and asked him if he knew that was going to happen and he said yeah, he knew for a while it was going to happen... I asked him if I was gonna get fired tomorrow and he said no, not that he could tell me I was if I really was, and shit like that...
So I was sitting on the bus the next day, thinking about what I would do if I got canned and was gonna do this big piece about how I had this offer once that I hadn't told anyone about, about how this dude wanted to take me under his wing, franchise out his "business" so to speak, and it was gonna be fuckin' hilarious... all about being a pimp and taking over this dudes route when he went on vacation this one time and not really getting the hang of it and there was this hooker that was holding out on me and I was gonna have to smack her up and she was gonna be all like, but I had to buy some crack for my poor sick momma who is a crack addict and she is really sick and it ain't for me and if it weren't for my momma you know I would have your money and shit, and I would fall for it and tell her I was sorry her momma was sick and then I was gonna say something about filling out my stable, and how I didn't have any fashion sense so the whores didn't respect me and shit... I had it all planned out...
So I was sitting here, whene I finally got in and was going to write it up and we were chatting about shit when that chick that got fired went walking by and me and my boss were all like, WTF?!?! and we were cool and he called us all into a meeting and wanted to put us at ease, that none of us were going to get let go, it was all over, etc...
So I went about my day, doing my thing, chatting with the boss, doing other shit, etc... business as normal...
Then all of a sudden, but not really, like suddenly... I guess it was more like, so eventually my boss comes over and says, hey, Catfish, I need to talk to you, which is not really that unusual... so I follow him and all of a sudden we are going in "THE ROOM" and I was all like, oh, dude, no... and he just looked real sad and his eyes were all red and then HR comes walking in, and she looks all red in the eyes, and I was all like, Oh Shit... so its over then, is it... and my boss was like, well, yeah, dude, sorry...
See, he didn't even know... I was safe in the morning, but then he got the call that he had to cut one of us, and it was pretty much a random choice, 1 in 3 had to go... had to cut the headcount, you dig... and I understand it perfectly, but that's just 'cause of my random abstract thinking...
So I was all like, well shit, and HR was all like, damn, you are taking it well... and I told them there really wasn't any use fighting it... not like I could change their minds all of a sudden or something...
So they gave me the choice... I could leave immediately and just take my last paycheck and 2 weeks severance... or I could work through the end of the month and get paid through the end, plus my 2 weeks severance...
I decided to stay through the end of the month...
I asked about my vacation time, I got 5 days left and you use them or lose them and HR was all like, well, if you say you are staying you are gonna get paid regardless of you actually being in the building or not... so I will be using some vacation...
I played it super cool, you know, that's the way I roll...
At this point I was going to say something witty about having my vasectomy reversed and freelancing some baby making or something, seein as how I make pretty babies... Dude, then I was wondering what would happen if I went into one of those sperm banks and like, sold some and stuff... how long would it take until they realized I was shootin blanks? Dude, that would be a major scam... heh...
Uhh... so yeah, really though, I am just putting it out there right now, that I am soon to be unemployed and I have tender hands that need a warm indoorsy type job that pays well, but not too soon...

Retrofit the pudding hatch with the boink swatter....

Gordon Downie – Insomniacs of the World, Good Night

I ain't gonna get shit done today...
Sigh...
I had the brightest plans for my day... I was gonna be Mr. Pro-fuckin-ductive...
Now I just want to cut myself... go total emo and cut myself, just a little bit, with a dirty razor, and tell people about it like some little teenage girl and get all my little teenage girl friends to be emo too...
Except that I would first have to probably shave some spot on my body before I did the cutting, and also except for the fact that I don't wanna really cut myself...
I remember waking up once last night, and this is great, I heard this little voice telling me, Daddy, there's a cat on the bed...
And for a second I was all like, man I am so tired I am just gonna let it slide, then it was like I realized, holy shit, there's a cat on the bed and I can't abide by that... so I just started kicking out in the general direction I would assume a cat would be, and I found one and I was all like, YEAH!!! and I kicked out a bit more energetically and, although I doubt I did, I like to imagine that I heard that sound a cat makes when it has been kicked off a bed and goes flying all fearful and smartin' from the force... although I may have dreamed it...
I did dream about cats, kittens, in fact, and I kept having to find this kitten and the girls kept hiding it and I would find it and it would claw me and there was blood and I am pretty sure it was mine and I was po'ed and I finally got it outside and I threw it and I knew it did no good, that as soon as I caught it and threw it it would be right back in the house, so I was sad, and resigned to my fate, just kinda gave up from there... and this is were it gets weird... I drempt at that point that I had fallen asleep on my arms and I couldn't move them and they I was trying to figure out how to roll over but I couldn't...
Now, if I believed in voodoo and didn't just use my dreams as alegories or puns or something, whats that word, when you pretend you don't know what you are doing but you really do anyhow, and you pretend you don't know so you can use it to your advantage??? Now if I wasn't (or was, I am kinda confused now) I would say that there is some certain degree of helplessness coming through in my dreams... but maybe I am just saying that, you know, as part of the alegory... pun... shit... metaphor???
I think it is a metaphor for how I dislike generally having the cats in the house and my eyelids are dry and I itch and my nose itches inside...
See how well I am not accomplishing anything today??? This is fun...

and just for the hell of it...

Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo


Vulcanize the whoopee stick
In the ham wallet

Cattle prod the oyster ditch
With the lap rocket

Batter dip the cranny ax
In the gut locker

Retrofit the pudding hatch
Ooh la la
With the boink swatter

If i get you in the loop when I make a point to be straight with you then
In lieu of the innuendo in the end know my intent though
I brazillian wax poetic so hypothetically
I don't wanna beat around the bush

Foxtrot Unifrom Charlie Kilo
Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

Marinate the nether rod
In the squish mitten

Power drill the yippee bog
With the dude piston

Pressure wash the quiver bone
In the bitch wrinkle

Cannonball the fiddle cove
Ooh la la
With the pork steeple

If i get you in the loop when I make a point to be straight with you then
In lieu of the innuendo in the end know my intent though
I brazillian wax poetic so hypothetically
I don't wanna beat around the bush

Foxtrot Unifrom Charlie Kilo
Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

Put the you know what in the you know where
Put the you know what in the you know where
Put the you know what in the you know where
Put the you know what in the you know where pronto

No Title

I gotta keep it real, transparent, you know... I want my life to be an open book with no secrets from anyone. I don't want the shit to go down one day and have anyone say that they never saw it coming, or they didn't know I had it in me, or that they just didn't know...
Some people would be frightened by this, maybe see it as a lack of personal identity, but au contrairie mon frair... Dude, it is so much like opening a map of the united states, a big ass map... I mean, you know, there it all is, right there in front of you, all of it, but the details, dude, it's the detail you get lost in... That... That is how I wanna roll...
And I wanted to tell you, I was gonna kiss this girl in the parking garage here on the 1100 block of wherever the hell I am... I was gonna kiss her and make her my secret Canadian Girlfriend. We would kiss, oh so sweet, just me and her, in the shadow of the viaduct. We would hold hands and talk about the Tragically Hip. Talk about how fantastic Hockey is but secretly admit too each other that we don't really watch hockey or know who is really good right now. I would talk about how I always wanted to be Canadian and she would tell me how great it is to BE Canadian... It was gonna be all hush hush, you know, 'cause I got me a wife and she gots herself a boyfriend she's been with for a long time but it doesn't really seem to be progressing.
But you know, the problem with this is that she doesn't really exist, not at all... there ain't no secret Canadian girlfriend, only an imaginary secret Canadian girlfriend... which is actually perfect, because I have a feeling she was going to start getting a little clingy, maybe a little crazy and could have concievabley started calling my house and hanging up or generally threatening my marriage... goddamn psycho imaginary secrect Canadian girlfriend!!!
I never wanted the world from her, just a little lunchtime diversion, why'd she have to cross that line...
So I had to nip it in the bud, stop it before it started... So I just stopped and you know, didn't imagine her... it was a clean break... better for both of us...
It is sad, kinda, really, you know... I was going to have this conversation in a more intimate surrounding, hanging out, cuddlin' on the couch with some cute long haired Chinese boy with a ponytail and smooth hairless back... but you know, you can accidentally maybe bump legs while you're sitting on the couch, touch feet under the table, just for a second, until you realize it's not the table leg, but you can't cuddle on the couch, really, you can't, no matter how good a friends you are... Dude, not even if you are gay... For serious, if you are a couple of dudes, and you are cuddlin' on the couch (or perhaps a nice puffy pappasan chair) you have to be in a relationship... committed or about to be committed... you can't just chill and kinda lean into your buddy and kinda do that thing with your fingers where they intertwine/rub and its all cool... not around here, no way... it ain't done, and it can't be done... and it is a shame... no scary movies, no tender moments where you are being all emotional and shit and just need to be held...
Because, if you do, eventually you are gonna end up bumpin cocks, or peein together and crossin' streams like in ghost busters and think it's really fuckin funny...
Sigh, you know, it's just that I am gettin' tired of this... I love my job, you know, but I hate it... I hate it, hate it, hate it... but it ain't so much that I hate my job as much as I wish I was doing something different... Something like beating through the deep bush, spanking monkeys and eating exotic fruits... Something that me and my old lady could do together... I always wanted to be one of those dudes... shoot, what are they called, not missionaries... Peace Corps, yeah, wanted to be one of those dudes in the Peace Corps, going exotic places and showing the aboriginals how to bath and build bridges and shit... cover up their secret parts, you know... someplace exotic like Finlandia or Turkey... someplace with a beach and bamboo or something, make one of those swiss family Robinson kinda showers and get malaria because I was having sex on the banks of some river and a mosquito bit me on the ass... You know what I mean, really make a difference in the world... and get mud spackled in the crack of my ass... stuff like that...
I look out the window here and think about this all the time... I have even done research, but apparently you need skills or something, something beyond just the desire to help people and have sex on beaches or banks of rivers or something...
You know, I would settle for just being able to go sit in a bar and smoke... Yeah yeah yeah, I said it... perhaps it makes me a hipocrite, or a psychopath or something, but I would like nothing better to go and sit in a bar, with a pitcher of beer and maybe a shot of something or other, playing darts and smoking... for hours on end...
Or dude, sit outside on the stoop, outside a party, and have a couple smokes while you spend some time catching up with someone you haven't seen in a while, or someone you just met and may not have anything much in common with except the desire to go outside and have a smoke and have someone to talk to while you do it...
I mean, it is probably not as great as I remember, but then, it probably is... sitting down for a cup of coffee and a smoke to jump start my heart... it sounds fantastic...
How's all that for transparent, eh? You know, my secret Canadian Girlfriend, she would be about 5'6" and look pretty much like my wife, except blond and medium length permed or wavy hair... I mean, really, if I were to imagine her, it would really just be my wife that I was sneaking off into the parking garage with and secretly kissing and hoping that my wife wouldn't find out. It's complicated, but really... How could I resist? and she's a good kisser and has a super butt...