I was first attracted by your scent, Your heart must be a caramelized onion

Dude,
I had some strange dreams last night, I don't really remember them much, except that at one point I was that dude in Scrubs, the main dude, you know... and Carla had lost her top and didn't realize it and was at a dinner party... You know what sucked though? I couldn't see her boobs, it was like they were edited out for public viewing, like she was behind a plant or a waiter was going by...
Then I was in this pool and I was swimming under water and it was tons of fun and there were people all over and I think I was supposed to be doing something or other, like there was a purpose, but the purpose wasn't clear so I just gave up and ended up getting on this raft and was floating around and ended up floating over to my niece (adult niece on my wife's side) and I thought it was interesting that she was hanging out with us, and even stranger that SHE WAS TOPLESS. So my raft floated over to hers and I was all like, playing it cool, like, hey, how ya' doin? and she was all like fine, and she asked me what I was doing and I told her, you know, I was just hanging out, and I think I was making her uncomfortable, and I was trying to not look at her boobs AND check them out at the same time, but I couldn't see them, again, it was like they were edited for content or something...
I feel totally cheated, you know, dreaming about half naked chicks but not actually seeing them naked... Totally cheated... I should sue... I am going to start a website and champion this cause... some people can rail against people who talk on cellphones, some people about people who don't get out of the "FAST" lane (Dammit, there ain't no such thing as a fast lane and it is not MY responsibility to get out of YOUR WAY just because you want to drive like an asshole, and besides, there is someone if front of ME!!! so get off my ass... GOOSHHHHH)... Me, I am going to rail against whoever it is that is supposed to be supplying me with dreams of naked women but won't let me see anything... it's a total crock, very likely a violation to my civil rights, at the very least a cruel and malicious prank... It is my privilege as an American citizen to not only dream of naked boobs but ALSO SEE THEM... Anyone's boobs... even people who don't have boobs... I mean, what the hell, am I crazy here? Did I miss something? Was there some sort of amendment to the friggin' constitution that I wasn't aware of? I mean, come on!!!
DAMN!!!
Last week was so strange... I went from potentially having a new job here, to thinking I was gonna get fired to not getting fired and deciding I didn't want the new job here...
The new job, looking back, this is how it was described: We want you to work a ton more hours, doing shit you will not enjoy, go to school to get some skills, the kind of skills that would pay you a lot of money, if you worked somewhere else, but not here, because it is lateral and you will not get a bump...
At first I was all like, HEY, THAT SOUNDS SWELL!!! Then I pulled my head out of my ass...
I told them NO!!! Besides, my boss and my bosses boss think I am the Cat's Meow... Like if I say I think we should do something they say, HEY CATFISH, THAT's A GREAT IDEA!!!
Or, HEY CATFISH, YOU GOT SKILLS AND WE ALL WANT TO HUMP YOU BUT IN THE MEANTIME CAN YOU FIGURE OUT XXX... stuff like that... it's sweet... I was actually kinda looking forward to coming in to work today... Kinda, I mean, shoot, it's still work... but I like it here...
I have this theory that there is some sort of center downtown where everyone is super attractive, and the closer you get to this center the better and better looking everyone starts getting... and we here are kinda on maybe the 3rd ring out from the luscious gooey center of hawtness... still a bit of ugly floating about, but not much... Sometimes I see these people walking around outside like they are on a break from their job or something but I look at them and I am all like, DAMN!!! what kind of job do they have where they get to look so fantastic and shit... Like they are all liquor add models or something... Even the bums look fantastic... you feel bad giving them anything smaller than a 10, you know, cause anything they would need would probably be pretty pricey and you don't want them to look down their noses at you when you drop a buck into their hands... Oh, the rent a cops are still mostly ugly... and the tourists, they are kinda sloppy looking... heh... kind of like the kettle calling the pot black, eh??? Anyhow...
I saw this sign on this door yesterday, said something about being careful because the door "swings both ways"... I thought that was pretty funny... OH, and I had corned beef hash for breakfast at this restaurant, I was kinda not sure if I should or not, wasn't sure how they made it, it could be all funky or something, so I asked the waitress how was the hash and she said it was out of a can, I started salivating right there and then, I ordered it up and couldn't wait for it to come... it was fantastic... only way it could have been better would have been if I had some uncle dans dressing to put on it... I signed the credit card receipt "RALPH"...

Big Blue Spanish Sky... or, spellcheck is for pusses...

I was outside yesterday and I heard this screaming, you know, and it was all like, NO NO NO... and then I heard this Yipe Yipe Yipe... and then it was all like gibber jabber gibber jabber... then I heard SPARKY SPARKY SPARKY... and I realized that the NO NO NO I heard was actually in SPANISH... and I though, damn, that's kinda hot...
I closed my eyes (ojo's) just a little bit (un poco, yo) and I imagined it was what's her name, Salma Hayek, and she was naked and there was some other shit happening to account for the yipping, and she was calling me Sparky, which in spanish was something really really hot, the kinda hot that you get embarassed saying in front of anyone because guys would call you a puss but be secretly envious and girls would act all shocked but then be all secrectly wondering how you knew about that... and then the NO NO NO was all like because I was doing something nasty but she really really liked but had to pretend she didn't but I was supposed to understand that she was just saying that and I wasn't supposed to really stop and my not stopping in no way constituted a breach of trust and/or really crossing the line... it was super... and I was FANTASTIC... it smelt of cocoa butter... or coco butter... whatever the stuff that is in tanning lotion and you smell on super hot chicks in bikinis when they pass by you without even bothering to glance in your direction, or you are just friends, which is even worse...
but then I opened my eyes and it was just a hispanic mother of 3 and she was yelling at her dog and popping him on the head because the poor dog was trying to get away from a hispanic mother of 3 that was yelling at him... total deal breaker there, I tell you... and it was sad, because they had to chase the dog down so they could pop him on the head and yell at him, then they would put him down and he would run away and they would have to chase him down again and pop him on the head and I don't think he even understands spanish much less why his life sucks so hard... I guess one way of looking at it is that he probably won't live too long so the suffering will be minimal... or... or he will get really good at hiding and living off of garbage and stuff and one day some kind ukrainian (uh, Russian) family will be walking by and he will be all like, OH, I understand them and he will come out and live happily ever after, or at least understand (finally) why he is getting popped on the noggin... sweet...

Just got paid today, got a pocket full of change...

Yeee-arrrrr....
Couldn't sleep last night, at least all the way through... Woke up at 12:30 or so and realized my old lady wasn't in bed... layed there for a while and finally got up to see if she had fallen asleep on the couch or in the girls room or something... she was up and typing at the computer... I stood there behind her for a while before she realized there was a big hairy naked dude standing behind her and she jumped... I went back to bed... got back up a bit after one, still alone and wondered around the apartment trying to get out of my head... went back to bed... wife came to bed... kids end up coming in to the bed... little viking starts talking about being squished... the noner starts coughing and coughing... I try to fall asleep between the coughs, can't do it... finally get up and carry the noner in to her own bed... went back to bed... it was around 3am... must have fell asleep in there somewhere and ended up waking up at 6am, wondering why the hell the alarm didn't go off... drank some cold brew espresso...
Went into the bathroom to get ready for work... just got in there and noticed this BIG FUCKING SPIDER running around... BIG... then it disappeared...
Sat down and tried to do my doodee (heh) but I was distracted, couldn't concentrate, didn't want to be attacked by the spider... kept looking down, decided to shit can it (heh)... saw something move on the other side of the room... it was the BIG FUCKING SPIDER... it had somehow snuck behind me while I was trying to concentrate... I caught it in a cup and put it in the shower, in the cup, upside down (in a cup, upside down, in the shower, going to town, just like the Bearenstein Bears, eh?)... Got in the shower and started the water, took the cup off the spider and it was all curled up in a ball, didn't go down the drain because the water was pushing it back... it was heading right for me... I jumped and shuffled so the spider wouldn't touch me 'cause you know damn well if it touched me it would grab hold and probably eat me or just gnaw on me or something... I started the shower and aimed the water at it to force it towards the drain... it finally went down... I rationalized that I didn't technically kill it, as it was still alive as it went down the drain and if it happened to die it was nature that did it... not my fault, friggin spider brought it on itself... Although now I am thinking that it was probably not the same spider, and that there is probably another BIG FUCKING SPIDER lurking around, or maybe a whole shitload of them, a whole community of them... living under the floorboards and occasionally a scout will come up through some crack just to see whats happening, you know...
I made it out the door (its casual day, yo) and up to the bus stop, there was some gal there, I said howdy, she said howdy, someone drove by and honked at us, I didn't recognize the car, I looked at the lady and she scowled, she said it was for her, it was her car, her phone rang, she yelled at someone I assumed was her son, just coming home from a long night of shenanigans in her car... she yelled, asked if he was going to take the job and start next Tuesday... it made me nervous so I turned on my music...
The bus showed up, it was the same driver as yesterday, the dude that MISSED OUR GODDAMN EXIT ON THE FREEWAY... He had a napkin taped to his steering wheel that said "BRIDGE" on it, you know, to remind him what exit to take...
I sat down and was all hot and sweaty for some reason or other... probably some strange disease coursing through my body and my body is trying to fight the toxins by sweating a lot... I smelled something stale and musty (maybe moldy)... I sweat smells hot and sexy so I knew it wasn't that... I sniffed around... figured it out... it is/was my pants... WTF?!? They smell funny, dammit... I figured everyone was disgusted by me at this point, hot and sweaty and musty and casual...
The driver started chatting about something or other, slow and old and something something, I turned up my music... The squat gal was on the bus, she got off the bus, I have decided that she does NOT look like someone took the butts off of 4 or 5 midgets and mushed them together and stuck them on her... I had decided that she looks more like a person who had maybe, at one point, been a normally proportioned GIANT... perhaps around 8 feet tall, who was magically shrunk down by 50%, except for her butt, which remained the same size as when she was a giant... She got off the bus and walked back on the outside towards me and I decided to look for some feature about her that was not unappealing... I decided she had nice eyes, which her glasses accentuated, although if she took her glasses off her eyes would probably be small and too close together... but the glasses magnify them and make them look larger and the proper distance apart, based on their magnified size...
I got off the bus at the right place since the driver actually followed the route, went to Bartells, bought some Nongshim Kimchi Bowls for 59 cents a piece (YEAH!!!), and a bag of Halls mentho-lyptus cough drops (I like to eat them on the bus)... followed this gal down the hill, she was wearing high heels which meant she had to avoid all the grates and also she had so lean WAY back otherwise she would look like one of those ski jumpers leaning forward off those big jump thingies... you know what I mean... I could have passed her, but it was too entertaining watching her going down the hill...
Finally got to work, ran into some dudes on the elevator, one of them said "Hey Catfish", the other looked at him funny, he explained that I was Catfish, the other dude was still confused... I was pleased... They call me Catfish... so I got in and it was really quiet around here and I decided that since I didn't get a chance to poo at home I would try it here, but there was no way I was going to go into the bathroom on our floor... See, most of the people here are salesmen, and salesmen drink a lot of coffee and apparently eat a lot of greasy food and drink a lot of beer every night, so there is typically a steady stream of people coming and going in the bathroom, making all sorts of hideous sounds and smells... and I need privacy (and no spiders)... So I took the elevator to the 6th floor, down to the Bureau of Land Management or something like that, I know the words Bureau and Land are in there somewhere, but they are apparently government, so of course are not in this early in the morning... The bathroom was mine... I could have set up a tent (WTF?!?) in there if I wanted... There were no spiders and 4 rolls of 2 ply toilet paper in each stall... only think that would have made it any better would have been if the lights had been a little dimmer and there had been some music or something... I did my thing and got back on the elevator... there was some gal on the elevator and when the doors opened on the 6th floor she almost got off, but realized she was on the wrong floor so moved back in, I hit the button for my floor, she was going a couple higher... The doors opened on MY floor and she almost got off again... I was all like, what the hell, pay attention...
Oh, there is this gal that works at the law offices across the hall from us, I often ride the elevator down with her, she is chatty, she fell off her bike last weekend and is all scrapped up, she was up in Ballard, you know, over by the Fred Myer, on that trial that goes behind it, (I agreed that I knew it well even though I have no clue what she was talking about)... She had decided before she went out riding that she was probably going to crash, and sure enough, she was heading over these railroad tracks or something and she decided that, yep, this is where she is going to wipe out, and sure enough she did... I told her I was sorry this happened and SEE YA!!! I was thinking, you know, I bet she digs me... but then I thought, you know, she looks like a gay... then I thought, yeah, that makes sense, she is a gay and likes me because I often throw peoples gaydar off and she thinks I am in the club or something... or she really wants to do it with me, I get that a lot around here too, ladies smiling at me and undressing me with their eyes, touching me and laughing when I say something funny, which is apparently all the time... I try to look them in the eyes, you know, so they don't think I am checking them out and get the wrong idea, but they are always bending over my desk and showing me their boobs, and I get paranoid, like they might get offended if I don't check them out, like maybe I think they are ugly, so I give them a courtesy glance, just to boost their self esteem... They keep asking me why I am called Catfish, and I just smile, and this dude keeps saying they (being catfish) are bottom feeders, and the gals get all glassy eyed and dreamy... yeah...

Back with a vengence...

The bus smelled like wet cat today. And I don't mean like cool old timey jazz dudes, I mean it smelled like stale old wet felines. Many many of them. I sat there trying to figure out what the fuck was going on and it took me clear up till we got to Seattle to figure out that it was the gal sitting in front of me. When she got up there was a waft...
As gals go, she had a lot NOT going for her.
1) She was a redhead, but it was a dirty pale red.
2) Well, obviously she smelled of many stale cats, which means:
3) She had horrible social skills and only had cats as friends.
4) She was short and had a BIG OL' BUTT. She was not particularly hefty, you dig, she was squat, yes, squat describes her. She was squat and even being squat her butt was completely out of proportion with the rest of her body... it was like they took 3 or 4 butts off of midgets, squashed them all together like playdo, and just stuck them on her.
Anyhow, she got off the bus and the smell started going away, then this old dude comes and sits in the seat she had been in so I decided to smell him. He smelled a little like O'Berto pepperoni sticks. After they have been sitting there a while. So they have toughened up a bit. And you take a whiff to see if they are still worth eating.
Oh, and this other old dude kept looking at me... I don't know why...
Oh, and the sausage has been acting up again lately. He has been taking a different bus down to the park and ride, but then gets on my bus. Whenever he gets on I swear he looks for me and gives me a nod. If he doesn't get the nod when he gets ON the bus he will actually wait for me to start getting off and do whatever he can to make eye contact with me so I can acknowledge him before I get off... Sometimes I make sure to not acknowledge him when I am getting off, see if I can eventually get him to have a hissy fit or something... bastard... I swear I am going to pop him upside his head one of these days... "accidentally" slip and fall into him with both fists, one high and one low... see if I can't break his nose and shatter his nuts at the same time... BAM!!!

OK, so I have been having some strange dreams lately, I think it has something to do with my bruxism, or might be caused by or perhaps a result of... Anyhow, check this out...
1) I drempt I was at the Strems house, except it was way bigger, like a freakin' mansion, you dig... so they were going to move out and we were going to move in, so we were kinda staying at one end of the mansion and had shit all over the place... Anyway, I was wandering around and ended up in this big ass room, kind of a library or bookstore or something, and I was talking to this dude and he was saying how cool it was that there were all these animals around, like it was a zoo, and I was like, huh? and I looked around and all of a sudden these animals popped up over this bookshelf, and there was a monkey... Actually there was a monkey and a tiger and a giraffe and maybe a snake or two and I was all like, HOLY SHIT!!! because I thought the tiger might attack us, but then I took a closer look and realized that even though they were moving around they were actually stuffed animals... the tiger has teeth made out of cloth and button eyes and all these shiny pieces stitched all over him... I figured I could rip him to pieces if need be so I ignored him and went outside... Outside was this courtyard and there was apparently a fancy restaurant in the mansion and people paid a lot of money to eat there, I know this because I offered this guy a cigar and he was talking shit saying that after he paid so much money for dinner nothing but a $90 cigar would do... I was all like, whatever dude, and started eating this cigar I had, which was suddenly huge, but tasty...
2) I drempt that we had kidnapped my brother in laws kids, decided that it was for the best for some reason and although everyone was looking for them, and we were pretending to, we had just hidden them in this big garage in back of this house... so everyone was all trippin' out and didn't know where the kids are but me and my old lady and I was going back and forth, playing with the kids and then back to where everyone was looking for the kids... Then my brother in law followed me back to the garage and found out that we had the kids and was all confused and decided he had to talk to my wife, and he was heading for her and I could tell he was going to freak out and tried to stop him, he kept saying he had to ask her why and I kept telling him that if he thought about it he would know why, but he kept heading for her, so I started beating on him, but he kept moving like he didn't feel it, so I finally got him down and started hitting him on the forehead with some square metal object, just kept pounding away... I felt bad because although we had kidnapped his kids it wasn't really that important to us, but I had to stop him and eventually either knocked him out or killed him, I wasn't sure... but he stopped moving...
3) Last night I dreamed, shit, what was it... oh yeah, I was hanging out with WestCoastGold, oh, this is good... yeah, so I was hanging out with her because she was going to buy this new house and wanted to show me... so her son was with us and he was going on about something, kept asking if he needed "cups" and I was all like, what the fuck dude, and he was saying that kids were making fun of him and thought that he might need cups, and I finally asked him what he was talking about and he pointed to his chest and I thought, oh, he has like puffy nipples or something, it happens to boys sometimes, they go away (never happened to me, for the record, but anyway) so I just laughed and told him it weren't no big deal and he pulls up his shirt and he actually had little boobs and he said, you don't think I need cups? and I was all like, WHOA!!! and his mom was standing there and I told him that it was probably because he had been breast feeding for so long and maybe it was time he stopped... he looked sad... anyhow, we went into the house, and it was very nice, lace curtains and stuff, and WCG was telling me it was owned by this nice old black couple, and they didn't want to sell it to a white girl, and we laughed and I said how ironic it was that she was so down with the brothers and this black couple didn't want to sell to her, she agreed... so I went out back and there were some people hanging out on the stoop or something so I sat down with them and this big cat kept coming up to me and I kept pushing it away and there was this old indian dude sitting there and someone gave me some scissors and they had some and they would click the scissors at me and I would click mine back and depending on how you did it it meant that you knew someone that had just got a haircut, so they passed the scissors to the indian and I clicked mine at him and he just smiled, so I did it again, and he just looked at me and smiled, and I started trying to explain the game to him but he didn't understand me and I didn't really understand the game well enough either, so I just stopped and sat there...
That was about it for my dreams recently... well, except for this quick little dream I had where my lovely wife was wearing this slinky dress, it was black and it had no shoulders or sleeves, you know, just came up over the boobs and left everything above it bare... she was turning around and around showing me the dress, she would turn her back to me and her ass was all like BAM!!! and her shoulders looked all soft and white, then she would turn sideways and I would get this killer profile shot and it was SOOO hot, then she would turn back facing me and her the dress was all hugging her hips and her boobs were all looking ripe and luscious and I was all like GODDAMN!!! she was like glowing and I thought my heart was going to burst... HOT HOT HOT!!!
That's all I got...

Blah blah blah... bahhhhh

What have I been up to?
Well, nothing, you silly goose...
I get up, go to work, skip out asap to catch the first bus out of town, then I go homw and do random stuff... How about that?!?
Let's see... Oh, I completed Zelda, Twilightt Princess (on the gamecube) last week. Took something like 62 hours, start to finish... not all at once, yo... So, you see, I got out of the twilight realm and had to go to Hyrule Castle to help the princess, but first I had to defeat all these lesser dudes, right, so I did that and me and Mina got to the top of the Castle and ran into the head dude, uhh, Goran or something, anyhow, he started talking crap and then Mina tried to protect the princess but she got hurt or something, and then the bad dude took over the princess and I had to battle her. She was shooting fireballs at me and I had to hit them back at her and after I did that a few times all of a sudden the princess fell to the ground and the bad dude was all pissed and he turned into this giant boar and was charging at me and then would disappear, so I had to shoot arrows at him then slash at him, and after I beat him I was transported to this field and had this horse and the princess did this prayer and all of a sudden we had these "light arrows" and I had to ride the horse and the princess was firing arrows at the bad dude but she had terrible aim so it took a long time, but then she would hit him and I would have to slash at him with my sword and after we did that a few times we had to do hand to hand combat and it was ROUGH... but I kept whackin at him and rolling around and finally I defeated him, then there was a lot of talking and Mina came back to life and she was HAWT HAWT HAWT in her normal twilight princess form... but then she broke the mirror of darkness or whatever it was called, so I can never see her again, and then there were a lot of credits and that was it... whoaaaa...
I uploaded a bunch of pictures to my flickr account yesterday accenting how cute my girls are, you should check them out. Clickety SMACK
It is all hot out and I have to dress like a monkey, tuck my shirt in and wear pants and stuff... damn!!! I keep hoping that the head cheese will say that since it is so hot out and stuff that we can dress down a little bit, maybe we can untuck our shirts or maybe even wear t-shirts in to the office... but it is unlikely...
Uhhh, I spent some cash getting a new harddrive (250gb SATA II internal) and this little doohicky that you can plug into your computer and VCR so you can transfer tapes to DVD... I was thinking that if you had some personal private naked videos of yourself and wanted them on DVD I could transfer them for you... come on, what, would you prefer to have some stranger do it? I suppose there are other applications for it, like home videos where everyone has all their clothes on, which is actually what I bought it for... hmmnnn...
Oh, remember the other day when I was self diagnosing myself and had like 3 possible ailments? Well, the massage gal says I have TMJ... cause my jaw clicks and shit... yeah...
Lets see, there must be some other random shit I can say right now... hmmn... I have to be in a skit tomorrow... have I ever mentioned that I have a distaste for participating in crap like that? Apparently I am not alone and some of the gals that I will be doing it with agree... and I really don't see the point in it... but it will mean free lunch, so lets see how it goes...
Enough random crap for now... enough I tell you...

It was great...

So I totally go all oiled up last night. It was FANTASTIC.
I made sure to wear my man panties, you know, to show a modicum of decency, but somehow I ended up getting my butt all greased up. I thought it was an accident at first but then she started talking about how most peoples problems revolve around the fact that they have too much tension in their asses and she told me she was going to do something special and there were some big words being thrown around, most of which I didn't understand but I believe I did hear the word colon 5 or 6 times. She told me to relax and take it like a man, which I thought was kinda odd.
I was totally relaxed and couldn't see a thing because of the little pillow she had me put my head in, but I thought I saw some flashes of light every once in a while. Anyhow, she kept pushing and pulling on my muscles and at one point I heard her whisper something like "oh my"... not like you just dropped something, but more like that seen in Bull Durham after Crash went on and on about long kisses that last a week and shit... Oh My!!!
She was dumping more and more oil on me, really getting it all over the place, you know, and all of a sudden I saw stars. I wasn't sure what was going on at first then I realized that she had stuck her finger up my butt...
Long story short, she commented upon how flexible I was and suggested I come back...
I felt great when I left, full of energy and all loosey goosey, you know...
Was driving through Covington and thought about what I had said yesterday about picking up some stray and trying to work a freebie out of her... Had my eyes out, I was feeling all sexy... Didn't see much going on, saw some scruffy looking dudes at the 76 station, thought they might be looking for some excitement, but then I started thinking about My Own Private Idaho and decided against it...
So I decided to take it on home, you know, why go out for dinner when you got a whole fridge full of cold cuts, eh? So I got home and it was all quiet and warm, could hear some people having a party next door, gentle breeze was blowing, sexy sexy night...
Noone was home, I was all alone...
I went into the kitchen and got big glass of ice water... took it into the living room and got myself down on the floor. I reached for the remote control, felt it all hard and cool in my hands... I closed my eyes and hit the big red button. I could hear the gentle hum of the tv turning on and the gentle cheer of the crowd, the crack of the bat... ooohh, runners on first and third, yeah... the pitcher winding up, gripping the ball, he lets it fly...
Ahhh, high and outside... full count... yeah... Heres the wind up, and the pitch, YEAH!!! got him standing, strike three, retires the side... ahhhh....
I took a long cool drink of water, worked some of the ice out of the glass into my mouth... took the ice and started rubbing it on my neck and chest... the water beaded up on the oil... my man boobs were all tingly... I reached over to my left and grabbed a towel, clean, just washed, felt the rough cotton in my hands, turned it over and over, and folded it... mmmmmmmm... I put it next to me and reached for another, I folded it first one way then the other into a perfect square... aaaaaaa... I put it on top of the other one, or maybe I put the other one beneath this one... One was on top of the other and they just layed there... I reached into the pile... OH!!! a washcloth... and another one... OH YES... there must have been 6 or 7 of them... eeeeeee... I folded each one, slowly and luxuriously. If I had been any one of those washclothes I would have been in heaven at the gentle folding I was giving them... Soon... far too soon... the towels were all folded, but I wasnn't ready to stop, I was just getting warmed up... I reached into the pile and found a pair of jeans... ROUGH ROUGH jeans... I layed them out on the floor, gently but deliberately lined up the seems... smoothed them out... shook them out, you dig.. let them know I was in charge... then I folded them once... gently patted them... then quickly folded them again... BAM!!! Yeah... them jeans were folded like they would never forget...
I smiled to myself, closed my eyes and reached into the pile... my fingers closed around something... Oohh, whats this?!? I pulled it out of the pile and peeked through my eyes... OH, it was a shirt... I don't fold shirts... They go on a hanger... sigh... I through it over a chair... I closed my eyes and reached in again... Uhh, uhh... a sock... hehehee... nice soft clean tube sock... hhhhhh... Oh, but where is its match... can't just have one sock... where is its mate??? This wasn't right, I started getting frantic... desperate for it... I had to find the other sock... I ripped through the pile, I found another sock, but it wasn't it's mate... couldn't put them together... found another... and another... but couldn't find the sock that I could put together with this sock... I kept digging, deeper and deeper into the pile... where is it... it has to be here somewhere... got.. to.. find... the... sock... YES... OH YES... thats the spot, there it is... it was clinging to a goddamn shirt... I peeled the sock off the shirt, tossed the shirt over the chair... held one sock in my right hand, held the other in my left hand, and slowly brought them together... Angels sang... it was perfect... I folded them together and put them next to the pile of towels and washclothes... all of them, right there together... I sat back and just kinda watched them, the were oblivious to me in their folded glory... I couldn't take my eyes off them... I reached out and found the glass of icewater and was digging around in it for another piece of ice to rub on myself... when I heard something...
Someone was rattling the door... SHIT!!! I took my hand out off the glass and grabbed the remote control and started punching at buttons hoping to find a good combination...
Got the channel changed just in time as the family came running in... I tried to look innocent, like nothing was up... but it had to have been written all over my face, I mean, my god, there was a whole pile of folded laundry, just laying out there in the open...
Luckily noone noticed... whew... I got away with it... that was close...
I played it all off, non chalant like, but I was glowing inside... my own little secret... noone would ever have to know...
HEHEHhheee... I am still glowing... and plotting... I think I might have the house to myself tonight... and I happen to know there is a pile of clothes in the dryer just waiting for me to reach in and grab them... OH, DUDE!!! there are some DIRTY clothes in the hamper... dirty dirty clothes... they don't know what they are in for tonight!!! I am gonna stuff those clothes in the washer and cover them with soap... they are gonna get agitated and spun around, they won't know what hit them... then, when they think they are done I am going to pull them out, all sopping wet and comingled and TOSS them in the dryer, let them roll around and around and around... then, when they think it is all over I will gently pull them out and fold them... piles and piles of folded clothes all laying there...
I am voracious that way... and, you know what, if I find that I have the time, I might get a little kinky, maybe cross over to the other side, wink wink... you know what I mean... as long as I can get away with it and noone EVER finds out I think I might do some dishes... SHHHHhhhh...

licky boom boom down

Somebody is getting a massage tonight!!! That's right, ME!!!
My lovely lady made me an appointment to go get rubbed down with scented oils in a shed in this chicks backyard. I hope it is like the shed in my parents backyard, with skunks living beneath it and a lawnmower in the corner. That would be sweet. Although, when my lady comes home from her massage she doesn't smell like gasoline so I doubt this will be the case.
I will be wearing my man panties... I'm just saying.
I expect that when she is done I will be floating on air, and my pelt will be all matted down. All that touching and rubbing and oil and stuff, you know I am going to be expecting a happy ending from someone, even if I have to stop by the 7-11 and offer to buy beer for someone to "finish me off". That 7-11 up on 288th usually has some shady looking "ladies" hanging out, I bet I could trick one of them into a freebie, tell them its my birthday or something. Hey baby, you wanna party? It's my birthday and I just got a massage... you got big hands, you feel like finishing me off? My wife doesn't understand me and I just need to be with someone right now...
If she goes for it, when she is done I will be all like dre and snoop, break into song and push her out of the car while it is still moving... she will probably be expecting something like this, you know, so it won't really be any big deal. Maybe I will buy her a wine cooler or something, you know, cause I know how to treat the ladies, make em feel special.
NO NO NO!!! Something special like that should not be shared with some random hussy on the street. NO!!! If there is to be any happy endings it will be at the hands of my lovely wife. Or a duly assigned proxy. I will leave it in her hands (no pun intended) as to how she would like to "handle" (pun intended) the situation.

***
Shhh... I am thinking of working from home on Thursday. Sorry, let me rephrase that... I am thinking of "working" from home on Thursday. The boss will be off. The bosses boss will be in KL, the dude that sits next to me will be off... perhaps I should work from home tomorrow instead... then have the 4th off, but then I would have to come in on Thursday all tired and shit... but it will be dead around here so there wouldn't be much going on...
Dude, someone asked me how if I still "loved" my job the other day. I think I said something about "love" being a bit strong. I do enjoy being here, but I would much rather get paid to make mud pies in the sun. Wouldn't that be great?
Then, the other day my lady said something about how I should be a masseuse massage dude, seeing as how I have big manly hands that are gentle and sensitive... but then I would have to touch pretty much anyone that came walking in the door and I am not sure I could deal with that.
Then I was thinking that pretty much no matter what job I found I would be all stressed out about having to actually do it. For real... I could have the greatest job in the world, like a job where I get paid for just being me or something, and I would sit there all day thinking to myself: Ahh, I am a fraud and I am going to get fired for no fault of my own and noone is telling me that they are disappointed in my performance and they are probably not going to fire me but because I am sitting here thinking that they are they probably think I have a negative attitude and I am bringing everybody down and so they will fire me. Shit.
I think I will change my attitude right now. Let's see.
Hey, it sure is beautiful out, eh? (Damn wish I was outside enjoying it.) shit...
Uhh, Hey, free pop, that rocks!!! (Ugghh, all that high fructose corn syrup is going to give me the diabetes) shit...
That new girl with the large breasteses keeps smiling at me! (WTF?!? she must be crazy and I am married to she needs to back it off) Shit...
Hhhmmnnn... Uh... lets see, happy... happy...
Ok, nevermind... I am going to start tomorrow. After my massage and happy ending I will have a whole new outlook on life. Tomorrow I am going to have a whole new attitude, you will be able to see it in my eyes and I will glow with a radiance of joy and love... and my old lady will be pleased and won't think that I am ugly and fat anymore... shit...