Happy B-Day my little viking

Dude,
My youngest daughter is totally 5 years old today.
To bring you up to speed, 5 years ago today:
1) I had a dream about white elephants, which is supposed to be good luck but also represents the coming typhoon season (hhhmmmnn)
2) We had a home birth, at home, in a rented hottub, with 2 midwives, a doula and 1 mother-in-law in attendance.
3) I only seem to remember the labor lasting 5-10 minutes, but I have been repeatedly told this is not the case... I think I only count the 5-10 minutes that there was active screaming and cussing.
4) I drank Dom Perignon (a nice '92 vintage, it was yummy)
There were some other memorable moments from that day that I will not bother to mention but I still think about now and again...
She is totally tough and way to smart for her own good, and when I say "her" own good, I really mean "MY" own good... I just hope she uses it for good and not evil.
She is enjoying daddy lately, which is a plus... for a while there she was just putting up with me, but she is very loving lately.
Oh, she has "walking pneumonia" right now, which apparently is either a virus or that other thing, something like a virus but you do or don't treat with antibiotics.. I can't remember, and neither can the dr apparently as they have her on antibiotics and a inhaler (which she thinks is REALLY cool). Of course her having this illness makes us bad parents, and most likely also infected with this thing...
Sometimes I sit and I think that it is pretty wild, that there was NOT this little person, then there was... and this little person could not do anything, and now she can... couldn't walk, but somehow was able to learn to balance on 2 legs and move about and now she runs all over the place... Couldn't talk, but now she makes perfect sentences in a cute little voice and uses words that for the life of me I don't know where she got them from... Ok, some of them I know she got from her mom... and this little person that couldn't do anything for herself now does not want any help doing things (unless it is something she doesn't want to do then I suddenly come in handy)... I don't know, it is just a trip... and I guess the bigger trip is that I (ME) am supposed to be their guide... they look to ME for guidence (ME?!?) and they will end up however they end up because of what I do and how I do it, to a large extent... damn...
It is very much true... I can see my family blood coursing through their veins, the little things that make them one of me, or us, or something... You know, Crazy...

C-c-c-cold... sooo cold...

Ok, then...
I have just about had it with this friggin winter bullshit. I have not been warm for 2 months, I swear. Even half the time, laying in bed, under a down comforter with the heat cranked up to 1000 I'm not getting warm. Well, actually, sometimes when I get up close to my old lady I get kinda warm, but only one side, so either my front or back ends up still being friggin frosty. Dude, so I am all friggin cold in bed, and I am tough and not really complaining about it until now, but my neck gets cold, and then the muscles (mighty mighty ropes of high tensile steel that they are) get all bunched up in knots... so I end up all friggin crippled all day... and I don't mention it cause then people might offer me a massage or something and I really can't abide by that... not that I mind people putting their hands on me and all, but I am afraid of what might happen if the tension slips away. Worse case scenario results in my crapping myself, slightly better scenario leaves me sitting here with a boner (hooray for boners!!!) and somewhere between the two has someone standing behind me making faces as their fingers entwine with the silky soft hair on my back...
So I lay there quietly, shivering, with a sore neck, sobbing into my pillow, trying not to wake any of the people that have found their way into my bed... and when I have finally come to terms with it all and am ready to settle in to a fitful sleep the gadwdamn alarm goes off... The clock says 4 but I know it is actually closer to 3:50... I set the alarm early to give myself a buffer... so I jump out of bed and turn it off so as not to wake anyone up. Seriously, I bet the alarm goes off for maybe 8/10ths of a second before I am up and turning it off... and as cold as it is in the bedroom it is even closer in the rest of the apartment... and dark because ITS THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!! So I stumble around trying not to step on anything pointy or hard or cornery... No sun to wake me up, no 3 little birds sitting by my doorstep, etc., etc... just a big hot cup of coffee to get me motivated...
Today, though, this is not enough... I am tired, and cranky and cold and tired ( I know I said it twice) and ready for this shit to be over... I went outside this morning, to catch my bus and the cars were all covered with frost, heavy sparkly frost. The parking lot was slick. There were stars in the sky, where they belong... I had to stand by the road... in the early early morning, when people see you standing on the side of the road, they all somehow slide on over closer to the line... I know what it is, they see me, they turn their heads, when they turn their heads to the right their car goes to the right... I am used to it, for the most part, but when the semi's and delivery trucks come rolling up on me and their wheels are right on the line I get a LITTLE FREAKED OUT... Dude, I have stood next to airplanes, fully loaded 747's, as they taxi down the runway, engines howling, and they do not compare to the feeling of a friggin semi rollin at me in the dark cold morning... when it rains it is worse, they throw up this friggin spray and I end up getting, uh, sprayed in the face and misc other body regions by, uh, water... dirty dirty water...
Dude, the thing is, I am tired of bitching about it, either to myself or others...
"Hey, it sure is cold out, eh?"
"Yeah, it sure is."
So I was standing there, in the shower, thinking, because it was somewhat warmer there, warm enough so that I wanted to stand there all day, and I was thinking"
"Damn, I would like to stand here all day!"
and
"Too bad I can't get paid to stand here all day. That would be a sweet job."
I tried to hatch a plan that involved me standing in the shower all day and charging people to come and take a peak at me, standing in the shower all day.
It would be sweet. I figure all I would need is a constant supply of hot water, and a shower someplace that could handle a steady stream of people that would want to come and look at me. I could charge them (I don't know, by the minute or just a door charge, like $2 a minute or $5 just to get in and take a peek). would need to make enough to hire someone to keep the crowd moving and cover the cost of the hot water, maybe rent on a space to set this up... I suppose I could rent an auditorium and have groups of people come in, do like shows, where I would be standing in the shower behind a curtain and people would shuffle in and find their seats and then the curtain would lift and people could watch me, standing there being all warm and happy. I could do shows all day long.
DUDE! I know you are thinking: "oh, he is just talking shit" but you know what, I could make a shitload of money doing this FOR REAL! Get a myspace page or something, get it on the news or something and YOU KNOW there would be any number of people that would pay some cash to come and check it out and talkshows would have me on to talk about what the fuck am I doing standing in the shower all day and what it my motivation ("Well, actually I was cold and I thought HEY...") and after a few weeks it would die down or there would be others doing the same thing but getting corporate sponsors tattooed on their asses (not me, though, I would be doing it for the people, I ain't no sell out)(well, except for charging people to stare at me)...
I guess the main problem with this is that standing in the shower for hours or days at a time sounds FANTASTIC at 4:30 in the morning before I have to go to work. I have tried this at other times on the weekend and it just doesn't seem the same, although I am more than willing to stand in the shower until all the hot water is gone... and I suppose that when it is nice and warm out I will feel differently... hmmnnn...
So, considering (as I did) that I couldn't stand in the shower all f'in day I tried to hatch a new plan, one that involved me playing hooky... First thought involved me hiding until there was noone left in the house and then crawling back into bed.. this had many problems associated with it... Second thought was to take the bus in as normal, ride it all the way in to town, past my usual stop, go deep into the heart of downtown, and find a bar that opens at 6am that is not all scuzzy and full of bums, you know, one of those NICE places where normal working stiffs like myself go at 6am... So, find a bar, go to it, sit down, and have a Guinness... maybe some early morning bar food. And then another Guinness and maybe a shot of some good whiskey. Just sit there for a while, until I come to the realization that:
A) I can't sit here all friggin day drinkin
B) I am loaded, shit, now what do I do
C) I am full of regret at this bad idea
Then I have to try and figure out what to do with my time, and end up wandering the city all loaded while people are getting to work or otherwise going about their daily routines... The problem being that I lack vision. Lack the ability or something something that results in me losing my panties and being photographed getting out of a car, a wild beaver out in the public eye... I would have nothing to say to the friendly bartender that asks me what I am doing sitting in a bar all day ("I am tired and wanted to play hooky and now I don't know what to do")... but you know, I can't think of any scenario that involves me playing hooky and saving a burning orphanage or chili-dog factory... you know, meaningful shit...
Uh, damn, where does that leave me? That's right...
The Daffodil Motel!!!


This place would probably cover all my places. From what I hear, they have mirrors on the ceilings, free movies, biker bar just down the street (walking distance) and most likely there are cameras and/or peep holes cut into the room... maybe I should check myself in and buy some drugs from the fine folks in the room next door, get some beer at the Indian store and treat myself to a lonely drug fueled solo orgy (my hands were all over myself, I just layed back and let it happen)... now THAT sounds meaningful...
Actually, that was just an excuse for me to put up a picture of the Daffodil... this girl I used to know WAY WAY back used to torture me and my friend by telling us how her boyfriend took her there and their were mirrors on the ceilings and they did all sorts of nasty things, the most memorable involving his ability to somehow lift her up over his head up to the ceiling... one of those things that has haunted me all these many years...
oh, and I was going to mention, yesterday we had a party, some of you were there... we had a pinata shaped like a horse, but nowhere to hang it, we had not really considered this... my idea was to just put it on the floor and let all the little girls just rip it apart... I was advised that I had suggested something very stupid ("you are a stupid asshole" I think was the quote) so we got some string and the stick from the window and it was thought that I could hold it up while little girls swung a full size baseball bat at it, and of course I have seen any number of clips on TV or on the Internet that involved Dads getting pounded in the nuts by little kids with baseball bats, so I was hesitant... I mentioned that I was not sure this was a good idea, and I think I was called a big puss ("You are a big puss!" I think was the actual quote) which of course motivated me to throw caution to the wind and I agreed that I would do this thing... but we were still working out the finer details ("Just get up on the fucking chair you stupid asshole pussy fag" were my instructions, literally) and I was standing there and my friends were watching with embarrassment (for my wife being married to a big retard) when their daughter, cute little 4 year old, asked them in the sweetest little voice WTF was I up to... They told her I was trying to find some balls and figure out how to hang the pinata... She looked at them and said, it a nice loud little girl voice: "IS HE GOING TO HANG IT OFF HIS PENIS?!?"
Normally if someone said this, someone being an adult or in my imagination, I would say something about not being to reach it or some other such thing that would generally mean that I was saying I had a BIG one... excessively large so that the idea was not feasible... but when a 4 year old says it I can't really do that... She knew what she was doing, too... said it loud enough to try and cause some discomfort... but damn, she had the concept down perfectly... she KNEW that just saying penis would get a nice reaction, but having the ability to not only use the word but to use it in a context like that, it was pure brilliance...
I was at a loss, I just kinda stared at her and thought of all the things I couldn't say, no retort possible, and SHE KNEW IT... she was soooo smug... she knew that she couldn't be disciplined too much because there was a crowd, she KNEW we couldn't react too strongly, and she KNEW that she had said something funny and awkward... BRILLIANT!!! She will take over the world one day... I can imagine having to answer to her in about 16 years... youngest dictator in the world... and I will bring her her tea... damn...
For the record, no, we did not hang the pinata from my penis as noone would be able to reach it and stuff... so we hung it from this thing we use to block the window... and the kids hit the pinata with the bat but never hit me (yay!) and the hook thingy broke off the pinata before any real damage had been done to it and the pinata fell to the ground and was in perfect condition, so the kids pounded on it while it was on the ground (it was beautiful) and they would have had to spend an hour or more banging and banging on this friggin thing (I swear, next year I am going to make the pinata myself, old school) and after all the kids had a chance I took a couple swings at it... friggin thing didn't break like I wanted, what I wanted was a huge explosion with candy shrapnel all over... So I grabbed the goddamn horse and grabbed the top and ripped it to shreds... shook the candy out all over the floor and screamed at the kids "GO GET IT!!!" they howled, I howled, there was bloodlust in the air... I had to take a couple deep breathes to calm down so I wouldn't end up killing anyone...
That's about it, the end...

Killer on the rampage

OK, where was I? Oh, yes, so I killed my first man back in 1977. I was 8. I was cleaning my gun (it was a .22), drinking Mountain Dew, and listening to Kiss... Dude came up, was wearing a cowboy hat with one of those feather roach clips hanging off of it... He smelled funny.
He stood there watching me for a while, eating all my green M&M's (I kept them apart from the other colors, was saving them to give to the girl down the street)... I think I said something like "HEY!" but he just laughed.
His teeth were stained with chocolate.
Then he took a drink of my Dew.
Again, I said "HEY!" but this time very menacingly and he stopped. He had a little smile on his face as he slowly let the Dew dribble back into the can, all backwashy with chocolate and spit.
I would like to say that everything went blank or I suddenly saw red before my eyes, but even back then I was showing the signs of a natural born killer. I would like to say it was an accident, but it wasn't. I was very deliberate. Took a single bullet, loaded it into the chamber, looked him in the eyes and pointed the gun at him. He laughed at me, he laughed. I can't believe he laughed at me. Nobody laughs at me, nobody.
I stayed cool and kept looking him in the eye. He didn't believe that I would or could do it, his expression never changed. Didn't change until I shot him in the jaw.
The trouble with .22's is that they really don't pack the punch I wish they did. Sure, the dude was fucked up, but there was just a little blood, a little hole. And he was still alive. I knew then that I couldn't go back and I really didn't want to.
He looked confused about what had happened and he watched me load a couple more rounds into the gun. He was probably making some sort of sound, but like I said, I had the makings of a real natural born killer and we don't really notice things like that... I remember the smells, the feel of the wind, the recoil of the gun, but not much about the victims. People call them victims, I prefer to think of them as "winners". Here's your prize motherfucker, I like to say. This really confuses them. I like people (sorry, the winners) to be confused before they die. I think they go to a better place this way.
Anyhow, I loaded up and then unloaded into the dudes skull. Killed him.
Didn't go through his pockets or nothing, just drug him down to the gravel pit, dug a shallow grave, shoved him in it, covered him up, then pissed on it. Kinda like marking my territory or something. I don't do that anymore. The peeing.
I've probably killed a couple dozen (who am I kidding, more like 50+) men since then, some for money, some for fun... I kill the ladies all the time, heh, ladykiller. But really, yeah, I don't have any trouble taking the ladies down. I like to get creative with him, act out little scenarios, you know. Sometimes I pretend like they broke my heart and act all hysterical before I whip out my gun.
"I love you!!! I love you with all my heart and soul!!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME??? HOW COULD YOU??? You pretend like I don't even exist!!!"
I like to throw the "..don't even exist" part in there, since they don't know who the hell I am it seriously fucks with their heads. I usually let them start babbling about this before I put the gun to their lips and shush them... "Shh.." I whisper in their ear, stroke their hair a bit, run the gun down their chest to just over their heart and pull the trigger.
They typically cease to exist for me at that point. Like I didn't even really do it, or they really just disappeared. One minute I am screaming at them, the next moment they are gone... it is kinda confusing in a way, I don't get that sense of accomplishment... I guess there is always something lacking.
This one time, I had to take out a whole family of midgets... I think they were midgets, they might have been orphans, I get those two confused sometimes... they were smaller than my usual "winners"... I remember I was in a hurry... I set their tents on fire and shot them as they came running out... now that I think of it, I think they were boy scouts... which are the ones with the uniforms? Midgets? Uhh... No! I remember, I stepped in some Elephant poop and it smelled like popcorn and cotton candy! Midgets... ok, I feel good about that... So I set their tent on fire and they all came running out, screaming really high pitched... I had to crouch down to get a nice clean shot... I remember there were balloons... big red balloons, floating away and I took a couple shots at them between the killings... this one balloon, I shot at it, and it didn't pop, it just kinda jumped, and floated away on the breeze... sometimes I think I see it, just ahead of me, going down the street... I think about following it, but, you know, I don't believe in dreams and I fear where it might take me.
This one time I shot a hunter... I thought that was kind of Ironic, but it might have been a simile... or a pun or something...
I know, I know, you are probably thinking, uhhh, that's kind of a reach there, but what I didn't mention was that I was wearing a Rabbit suit... get it? That's funny.

Spilling the beans...

The big secret...
Well, since I am apparently not capable of keeping this secret, I am going to just let it see the light of day, right here, right now...
So, this person who told me the secret, it is a girl... She was driving home in the dark and rain a few weeks ago (probably a month or so now) and she picked up a hitchhiker. She does not normally do this, but he was hispanic (I can't tell you why that matters) and she felt sorry for him, standing there in the dark rainy night.
Anyhow, so this dude gets in her car and they get to talking. Turns out he is an upstanding member of the community, donates his time and efforts to El Centro de la Raza (say it with me, El Centro de la Raza) and local childrens hospitals... He had a sexy latino accent (she told me) and she was not really paying attention to the road.
Suddenly there was a big bump, BAM, like they had hit something. She stopped, backed up, and hit something again, like going over a curb, you get the picture. So she was kinda freaked out, it was quiet, except for the sound of the rain. She stared straight ahead. The kind latino gentlemen tried to comfort her, told her it was probably a dog or a cat (hopefully a cat). He told her to sit still and he would get out and take a look. He was about to get out of the car when he paused, just for a moment. He looked at her, right in the eyes, and told her that although they had only known each other for a very short time, he felt they had made a connection, and was pretty sure that he was falling in love with her already, and he hoped she felt the same way...
She got all teary eyed and her heart started pounding and she almost forgot about having hit something. They stared at each other for a moment, he smiled and got out of the car. She started thinking of the possibilities, what her life could be like with the last name Sanchez...
She watched him get out and go to the front of the car. When he got there he stopped and stared. He just stood there looking and looking. He moved forward a step. Then another. He bent over so she could barely see him then kinda straightened up and looked through the rainy windshield at her... He had this look on his face, really hard to describe (she told me) then he bent over again and she could barely see him but it looked like he was trying to pick something up... She could see him struggling and she was scared. He moved this way and that and all of a sudden he stood up. She could see he had something in his hands, something kinda big, but not too big, it was hard to see, she turned on her windshield wipers a little higher, he turned towards her, kinda lost his grip on whatever it was he was holding, she could see it wiggling a little bit... He got a better grip on it and kinda heaved it up and turned towards her... She got her first good look at it...
It was a midget...
She jumped, her foot came off the brakes, she slammed her foot back down as the car started rolling forward, she missed the brake, hit the gas, the car shot forward, there were 2 thumps as she ran over the midget and her new love... the front wheels went over just fine, but the back wheels got stuck somehow so there was this sickening squeeling of tires on concrete and flesh, suddenly they caught and she shot forward... She was crying and was kinda hysterical, cause that is how she gets... she just kept on driving, went on home...
She got home and started walking to the front of the car, then stopped, wasn't sure what she might see there, mabye a little midget hand or tiny little shoe or something... but there was nothing... no damage, no loose pieces of cloth, nothing...
She started thinking that she had to do something, she had to come clean, but she couldn't... what would people say? what would they think of her? Her life would be ruined... So she hatched a plan... she went in the garage and got a shovel out, and a box of garbage bags, and a bottle of Arbor Mist (Strawberry White Zinfandel)... She hatched a plan...
She got back in her car and headed back...
It was dark, rainy, very little traffic on the road... probably noone noticed or witnessed... She would wrap them up in plastic, shove them in her trunk, go out the Valley or down by the river, dig a big hole and bury them... she would cover her tracks, it would be her big deep dark secret... noone would miss a midget, yo, and she would always have her dreams of what might have been with the last name Sanchez... She drove on back to where she thought they should be, and kept driving, there was nothing there, so she went a little farther, watching for people walking on the side of the road... She turned back around and retraced her steps... Nothing... nothing...
Up and down the road she went, drinking her Arbor Mist straight from the bottle, crying hysterically and peeing herself a little bit... She got out and walked the road where she thought it happened, looking for clues, but there was nothing, no little footprints, no drag marks, nothing... They were GONE!!!
So she went home and slept... called in sick to work the next day... She drove the road again but it looked normal, no nothing that would ever lead anyone to imagine that something had happened...
She was ready to believe (herself) that maybe she imagined the whole thing, made the whole thing up like a daydream... and she almost convinced herself, but... but... she could smell him, Mr. Sanchez... well, she wasn't sure his name actually was Sanchez, but that is what she imagined her name would be when they got married... sigh... but she could smell him in her car... it smelled good... it made her head spin... it made her heart ache...
She doesn't know what happened to them, but she started getting strange calls... tiny little raspy voice on the other end, calling her a bitch and stuff... and tiny little limpy drag marks outside her house in the dirt, like a gimpy little midget has been walking around, draggin his now useless limb... He will never play in the midget world cup... will never win a race in the midget olympics...
And she swears, she swears, when the wind blows just right, she can smell the man, and the wind seems to whisper to her... it whispers "why??? Why??? I loved you!!!" and sometimes it whispers "ouch"...
So that is what she told me, she made me promise that I would never tell... I promised on someting important, I can't remember what, and to be honest I am a bit worried about what might happen to whatever I promised on now that I have blabbed it all...
I tried to tell her that, you know, running over a midget, no harm no foul... they are used to being run over, those little people... and if she really wanted to she could go down to El Centro and see if her man is there and try to make it up to him, explain that she got scared and went back and stuff, but she said no... She especially made me promise not to ever (EVER) tell anyone that she peed herself a little... she is REALLY embarassed about that... peeing herself...
I told her not to worry about it... Then of course told my wife... thats a given...
Then Kitten Chow seduced the secret out of me that one night... I still feel cheap and used over that...
Oh, then I had to tell ADO because she was giving me a ride home and I felt obligated somewhat so I just kinda spilled the beans...
Sorry about that...

I know what hands are for and i'd like to help myself

OK, I did it...
Check THIS out.
This is that deal that I mentioned yesterday about starting a group blog. Since at least a couple of you expressed interest I am gonna open it up. Feel free to invite some of your cool friends if you like... make sure they are cool like us though...

***
Ok, I had this dream, last night, about my friends ex girlfriend, for some reason, I have never actually met her...
But she was with some of her friends and they were acting up, like they had something to prove... overly happy and outgoing and such... the ex was acting up the most and her friends were just going along with her, out of pity or something... and they were running around this pool, but none of them wanted to get in it and they were starting to freak me out and stuff... they were spilling drinks all over the place and all of a sudden they were doing lines of coke off this table and I was all like, HEY, but they didn't invite me, and I was getting pissed because they had a ton but they were all amateurs, the coke was getting all wet from the drinks that they had spilled and it was turning fruity colors, it was strange... so they would do a line, then run around the tables and the pool then they would go back and do some more and then they left... and the table was a pasty mess of puddles of candy colored cokes and fruity drinks and I was all grossed out...
Some other stuff happened, but I would rather not go into it... not sure why, seemed kinda strange is all. I didn't end up doin it with any of them or anything... it was just weird...
I remember, just before I woke up, that I was having this other dream, although I don't remember what the dream was, but I was just about to figure something out, or I had figured something out and I was just about to do whatever it was I figured out... I seem to think there were some buttons or something... and I was about to make it all work out... and the alarm went off... and I remember thinking that I would just ignore it and go ahead and do what I was going to do, but then I realized I was just dreaming and there was no real button or anything to push... nothing was going to happen... dammit...

***
I am still waiting for my snow king crown... I already have my Sofa King Manly Crown... it covers this scar I got when I was born...
HAHAAHHAAAAA... I am Sofa King Funny... I was talking about my wiener... HAHAHAHAHA

Trust me, madam. Your underwear is in good hands.

Hey, who wants to join me in some Team Blogging? I was thinking of starting another blog where we could all post stuff and have some fun... Who's with me? I would like to invite all ya'll that happen to pass by here and I know on a somewhat casual basis. Yes, I mean YOU!!! If you can read this you can join, it is as easy as that.
So... Kitten Chow, The Strems, My old lady, annonymous dog owner, westcoastgold, uhh, redbear, chuckfishback, spicerack, et all... if you are interested all you need to do is sign up for a google account or give me your google account info and I can add you to the honor role...
We could call it something fun like "The Friendship Club" or something. I haven't really thought it out that far... I welcome any input...
The only rule I can think of is to be nice to other members... don't talk crap about each other or we will kick your ass out and you won't be a friend anymore. Uh, yeah, how about it? Any takers? Don't worry about not knowing what to post, it will come to you, could be pictures, links, haiku's (Haiku Challenge, anyone?) crap like that... no pressure, just a thought... let me know...

***
Damn, everything is so stark today, and lately I have been feeling really impatient. Like I am in a slow moving car and I want it to go faster... Suprisingly, I have been very patient with this... how ironic is that? I feel like I am waiting for a special day or event to happen. I can barely stand to sit here and type this out, it just doesn't seem to be getting me there. Definately can't get into the groove... Although, now that I mention it, I have this song on my mighty Zen, Get into the Groove, that old Madonna song, you know, but done up by Ciccone Youth, they call it "Into the Groove(y)" and it friggin ROCKS... Dude, it is totally Sonic Youth... literally...
But really, may I say... AAARRGHGHGHGGGGGGGuhhhhhhhhhhh
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.
Bartender asks the pirate why he has a steering wheel down his pants.
Pirate answers: YAARRRGGHH, it's driving me nuts!
Not Argh like a pirate... Argh with a lot of extra other letters reflecting frustration and desire to beat some ass... I swear this place in haunted and I am slowly being infested by spooky ghost something or others... pretty soon I will just write the same thing over and over about pooping and public bathrooms and riding the bus... Uhh...
Eh, screw it, I got nothing... take a look at my pictures of the snow and shit... BAM

Phoned this one it... probably pointless...

There is a whole bunch of stuff down there... pretty random, really...
All I really meant to say is that I hope it snows like a mf'er tonight, really serious foul weather stuff, Antartica kinda cold and white out conditions... and we have to resort to eating our pets or neighbors or neighbors pets... and I am crowned King of the winterland... I will rule with a firm yet gentle hand, if you know what I mean...
Yeah...

**
The cool thing about Buddhism is that there are no real absolutes... No ultimately right or wrong answer. Buddha means the enlightened one. He figured it all out, for him. He sat down and told people what he figured out, but he pretty much said that you have to do what you need to with this information if you want to get to the same point... Not to mean that if you do the same thing as he did you will get to the same point, but... uh, how about this...
A dude makes a cake, it is the best cake in the world, tastes fantastic. You ask him: how did you do that? He tells you the ingredients he used, how he mixed them together, how long he cooked it for, at what temperature he cooked it, and there you go.
Now you can take this information, and try to it out for yourself, but you won't end up with the same cake. It will be different. It might be tasty, just as tasty as the other dudes, but it won't be the same. This is not a bad thing, it is just YOUR way... that is kinda the way the path to enlightenment is... There are some things you need to realize, some actions you ought to take, and you may very well end up in the same place, but it won't be the same... but it will be cool...
What is your reward at the end? Well, the reward IS the reward... How Zen is that... You know that deal, where someone gets all smartass and asks what the sound of one hand clapping is? and that is usually where it ends? With someone waving their hand around in the air or saying that there is no answer? Well, there is an answer, it is a big ass huge answer... The question is the first step in a path... You can check it out HERE if you are so inclined...
It goes on and on, and I really have no point, there are just things I remember... The path is the destination... I think this means that it is not really where you are going but how you get there... how you get there dictates where you end up, you dig...
Uh, After you cross the river you do not take the boat with you, the boat was the tool that got you across the river but not something you carry with you... you know what I mean... don't hold on to what was useful in the moment or something, move on and grow from it...
Lets see, there is that one, your finger is not the moon, or don't confuse your pointing finger with the moon... I am not really sure what that means, but it is HUGE... thats about it...

***
Well, I had this dream last night...
Check this out...
Me and the family were going into these big ass fancy houses, looking at them or something, it didn't seem like we were house shopping or anything, and some of the houses had people in them. I remember one of the houses had a nice old couple and we were going all over the house and they were very friendly about it... The house was huge, at least 3 floors, etc... So I was going up these stairs from the bottom (basement) to the second floor and I found this giant white pill on the floor... It looked like it could be broken into 3 pieces and on the back was all sorts of writing, couple sentences, and none of it made sense, so I put it in my pocket... Found the family and moved on to this other house, it was beautiful, ginormous... really really big...
I loved it... it was furnished a bit, but sparse... I remember going into this one bedroom and decided it would be mine... it was bigger than my apartment, had a bed in the corner and a couple cozy chairs and some big windows that overlooked this gorge or something. I remember being a little freaked out about this because I went to the window and looked out and it was a LONG way down, over these big rocks, and it looked like the house was built out over the edge... This was not good. Then I noticed a door and I went to open it and told the kids to get back because I assumed the door would open to nothing, just wide open air... So I openned it and there were some steep stairs leading down into the gorge... it looked kinda pretty down there so we decided to go down. I started down the stairs but the girls started climbing down the rocks... I decided to follow... So they were climbing down when all of a sudden I see the Noner fall forward, head first into some rocks... I was all like, HOLY SHIT and ran down to her... She wasn't crying but I could see the top of her head was split and she was bleeding pretty bad... Although she didn't know it...
So I carried her back up to the top and was trying to figure out what to do... We went in the house and my lovely wife decided that we had to do some laundry before we left... I was trying to be patient but the Noner was kinda just laying there and was bleeding pretty good... We finally got on the road but I had no idea where we were so I started driving west. We got to a little town but it was obvious that there were no real medical services, so we kept going and got to this other town and found a little clinic but they said they couldn't help, they weren't equipt for this sort of injury... They told me to go back the other way for a while and there was a big town with a hospital, they told me to tell the people at the hospital that I was Greek so I would get better service... I didn't understand what the hell was up with that but figured I HAD to do it...
I pretty much woke up at this point, but I still have this feeling that the Noner is hurt and/or bleeding and I am supposed to be doing something about it... is that sad?

Random Acts of Self Love...

1) Had this dream over the weekend, it was strange and I hope I describe it in a way that makes you think I am really cool...
So there were people that I work with all over the place, a big wide open room, right, and there was something about doing laundry and I was trying to get all the whites together for a load and all of a sudden I am in the shower... It was open on all 4 sides, but surrounded by a shower curtain... I could see people milling about outside and pulled back the curtain a couple times to look around... I thought about getting out of the shower but decided I was enjoying it so I stayed in the shower... Then I thought, you know, something is kinda strange about this, something ain't quite right, and I looked around the shower and could see people milling about outside, but for the life I couldn't figure out what it was... everything seemed to be normal, and I looked around the shower and tried to focus, but yeah, no, nothing I could put my finger on...
So, yeah, that was it...

2) Things that are NOT on my Shit list...
a) Nong Shim Bowl Noodle - Kimchi flavor...
b) Poverty Bay Coffee - Best Damn Coffee that I know of...
c) Viso Beverages - YUM and Ooomph all rolled into one. I like the "WILL" version, sugar free, 0 calories, lots of vitamins and my favorite part, 300mg (you read that right) of Caffeine. Jurgaburgawhaaa!!!
d) WWTDD - When I need to know what Britneys bagina is looking like lately, or how big a whore (instert favorite celebrity whore) is, or just generally need to see pictures of Jessica Alba in a bikini, I go here... A big plus is that the dude that does the writing is frigging Funny!!! Second place would be The Superficial... I must say, though, that it bothers me that this pop culture whoopty doo has a place in my life, I mean, really, why do I care???
e) I am really into my wife clothes - not literally, although I wouldn't mind getting in her pants (boom boom cha)... Really though, she got these new pants at Old Navy, they are stretchy jeans or something, and when she puts them on I am all like, Yeah... but then, she has these Dickies pants and when she puts those on I am all like, Yeah... and she wears these sweaters and these shirts and stuff and I am all like WOW... She looks really really good in clothes... which is ironic since I always want to get her out of them... funny that... I am funny...

***
I told the person that told me the secret that I had told the secret to someone else... she was secretly thrilled... so it all worked out for the best...

***
Uhh, there is a bar in NY, Paris, Beirut, Dubai and Barcelona... This is ok, it is Irony or something and the Buddha would probably just shrug his shoulders or something... maybe suggest that hanging out there is not something that should be done all the time, heck, I am only partially enlightened, I am not sure...
BUT, and I double checked this... There is no Jesus Bar anywhere that I can find... I think I can rightly reckon that if someone tried to name their bar the Jesus Bar there would be some major freaking out... That just ain't right, you can't blasphem the lord in that way (uh, he IS supposed to be a lord or something, isn't he? or just the son of a lord or something?)...
Now, I could go 2 or 3 or 10 different ways on this, act all outraged or something, but you know... well, let me illustrate in a non linear random abstract kinda way:

This dude is Mahasiddha Virupa... Mahasiddha is, well, look HERE... Virupa is the dudes name...
OK, so there is a story, about him, where he had been up in the hills or wherever being all severe and austere and stuff, when he had a vision that he was supposed to give that up and hit the road, so he hit the road... He ended up going to a bar (see the tie-in) where he had a beer, then another, and another... He was drinking so much the barmaid was afraid he would not be able to pay up... He told her not to worry about it and he would pay when the sun came up (or it hit high noon, the story varies)... Of course you can probably guess what happens next... He either reached up or simply pointed at the sun and stopped it in its tracks... He continued drinking for 3 days, at which time the local king came and was all like, Hey, what the hell, and he paid the bar tab for his holiness and returned the world to normal... true story, yo...
This dude is also the main man in the Sakya tradition... they consider themselves to be the main holders of his teachings... and everyone knows the Sakyas ROCK!!!
So drinking has been known to lead to spiritual enlightenment... but there are many paths... etc. etc...

for Kitten Chow...

So I gave up the secret the other night...
"Wa-Wa-WHAT!?!?" I can hear you screaming...
"How the hell did that happen?" and "You Asshole!" may be other things coming out of your mouth...
Well, it weren't my fault. I didn't mean to do it.
I mean, of course I told my lovely wife... I have very few secrets from her. I would tell her anything she wanted to know, *snap*, just like that...
But I was confused, I was tricked, it wasn't my fault...
Let's set the stage, ok...
Me and the famiry were at some friends house saturday night, a little xmas flavored get together. They served PORK, which should have put me on my guard from the start, but I just figured they also liked PORK (who doesn't). I didn't stop to think that it was part of their insidious plan.
Then my wifes hot friend kept coming on to me all night. Mostly through her husband, which was kinda strange, but I know quite well that I am as attractive to the boys as the girls, so again I just kinda wrote it off.
He was all like "can I get you anything?" and I think we both knew what he meant by that, well, kinda... I figured that he was either offering up himself or his wife, but I didn't really take the bait... took a beer and some wine instead.
So we are sitting there eating pork, had some wine, they put on some loud music, some "metal" you dig, and once again I should have seen it coming... I mean, it would have been nice to have the red room (hey, the room WAS red) with the pillows (dammit, the couch was pretty fluffy) with the curtains and the opium and the dancing girls (well, there weren't exactly dancing girls, but the lady of her house was very obviously shaking her tail feathers, all sitting there on the couch getting all excited about the music)...
They kept complimenting me also, very sublime like...
"oh, you are so funny!" and "my wife loves reading your blog! She often has to change her panties after she gets done!"
I guess it was all going to her head... I was probably sitting there with my package on display (can't help it, it just does things)
Anyhow, all of a sudden, I find myself alone with the lady of the house, lets call her kitten, cause she was all slinky and reminded me of that Cure song, Love Cats...
Ah
We move like cagey tigers
We couldn't get closer than this
The way we walk
The way we talk
The way we stalk
The way we kiss
We slip through the streets
While everyone sleeps
Getting bigger and sleeker
And wider and brighter
We bite and scratch and scream all night
Let's go and throw
All the songs we know...
So, you, your nickname is now Kitten...
So, yeah, suddenly we were alone, and she started out all sublime like...
"I think you are really funny" and "I bet your weiner is really silky soft"...
I was kinda startled, I mean, it is all true, but I wasn't sure were she was going with it...
I said "yeah, thanks" or something like that...
She was all purring like... she was all like, "SOooo..." and I was all like, "yeah"... and she was all like, in kind of a throaty whisper, she started out slow, "why... don't... you...", I was nervous and scared... "tell me..." and she was getting closer and closer... I swear she was licking her lips... "your secret..."
I got a head rush at this point, all the blood had drained out of my head, I probably had a boner or something.... everything was swimming... then I realized what she had said...
"NO!" I told her flat out.
Her eyes were all spinning around like in the cartoons where they use some spinny things to hypnotize you. I couldn't look away, she was drawing me in...
She said something like:
"come on, baby, you can tell me. I won't tell anyone. It will be OUR secret."
I kinda whimpered a soft little "no", but she was really really close. Her eyes were huge, I could smell lust on her breath, you know that deep hot horny smell...
I was getting kinda worried that she might reach out and grab my package or try to kiss me or something, I mean, her husband and my wife were in the other room and it would have been akward and either turned into some sort of demented orgy or her and her husband would have tried to tag team me or something... worse case scenario would be her getting away with it and having to try and keep it from my lovely wife... I couldn't do that to her, not with her best friend especially... I had a decision to make, and I had to make it fast before she got any closer... I could practically feel the heat coming off her by this time and I just let it spill...
I told her everything, history, background, current events, the who and what and why... everything I knew... I couldn't stop... I was trying to push her away with my words... take it and go, take it and go... I was almost crying by the time I got done... but not the good kind of cathartic cry, it was one of those cry's like you knew you had done something wrong and you just wanted it to be over...
She seemed REALLY excited hearing about it, but it was probably some rush of power she felt to have broken me... she looked like a viking or Xena or something...
And then it was over... she was all like, "Hmmn, thanks!" and walked away.
I just stood there trying to figure out what happened... Her scent wafted away, she was swishing her tail, I was just standing there, breathing heavy, tears drying on my face, boner trying to rip through my pants... and she just walked away...
She didn't even give me a kiss or nothing... which is just as well...
She acted like nothing had happened when I went back in the other room, but I could see her whispering with her husband and him kinda smirking... It is probably just me, but I kinda felt like they were patronizing me for the rest of the night, like they felt like they were better than me or something... but I could tell that I it had made her hot, being all seductive with me and stuff... she was crawlin' all over her husband, so it is almost like I did them some sort of service or something...
maybe I should hire myself out to people, men and women, to get their partners hot for them... I could, you know, work my magic, get the person in question all hot and horny and then leave so the person in question will have no choice but to get it on with the party of the first part, because I am not there and I am married to the most wonderful woman in the world so I wouldn't and couldn't get it on with them anyhow...
I am all about efficiency people, so in order for this to work most, uh, efficiently, quick and I guess to hit the most people at once, I am going to have to do this in groups... maybe rent out a space of some sort, like Mccaw Hall or Key Arena or something... Tickets starting at $24 for the cheap seats, where you can hear and see me but can't get a good whiff, to maybe something like $260 if you want a backstage pass, maybe even sit on the couch in the VIP room with me for 5 minutes (5 minutes because I have to get through a whole long line of people and plus I don't want you to overdose and/or try someting stupid)
For $500 I will let you give me a kiss, but not on the lips... maybe on the cheek or neck, no hickies. For $1200 you can spend the weekend with my wife and me, we can put on a little "couples weekend" type deal where we teach you how to get the spark back, with a little boost from me. This will be limited in availability, yo... this is the platinum package...
NO: touching
NO: funding/scholarships/charity
NO: I won't pose naked for you
NO: you can't just see IT
NO: you can't be naked either (well, I may be a little flexible on this, as warranted)
NO: I will not watch (well, again, I may be a little flexible on this, depends on if you are suffering from Lesbian Bed Death and you are especially hot or something)
NO: it can't be bottled or packaged for later use... must be enjoyed "fresh"
YES: This is for couples only (for liability purposes, you dig, I can't be held responsible for what might happen if you had noone to "expend" your energies on/with, it could be disatrous, or you might get blisters or something).
YES: This is covered by many insurance policies, either as preventative maintenance or therapy, your choice.
YES: you can stroke my arm and/or thighs sensously, but don't get no funny ideas. This can include: pushing your boobs into my arm and/or dry humping my leg like a dog, but just for a minute.
YES: I love you, I love the whole world, that is why I am doing this...
So, basically, I will fill a stadium with people and maybe walk through the crowd (there will be little paths roped off for me to walk through, to keep the crowd back) and I will shake hands, maybe give ya a high five or a pat on the ass, and move on... try to get through as much of the crowd as possible as quickly as possible...
If you get the back stage pass I will talk with you for a minutes, let you get a good whiff, maybe let YOU pat me on the ass, then I will move on, cause I gotta get to the VIP lounge...
In the loungs there will be a papasan chair, a nice big one, comfy cushion, maybe some incense and soft lighting, some nice Tequila all trayed up in the corner... maybe some of those little sandwiches and some chips and salsa, little smokies in BBQ sauce... Torky and Stuffing in season... You can stand in line, take a shot, maybe have a little snack while you are waiting... one by one you can come and sit in the papason with me, your partner and stand by and watch if they like, maybe you can both sit in the chair with me, one on each side, and we can chat... **DUDE: THE RULES WILL BE CLEARLY POSTED ABOVE THE CHAIR. ANY DEVIATION FROM THE ACCEPTED BEHAVIOR WILL NOT BE TOLERATED AND YOU WILL BE EXPELLED IMMEDIATELY. I CAN'T BE HAVING DOZENS OF PEOPLE RANDOMLY PAWING AT MY PACKAGE, MY WIFE WOULD BE PISSED IF SOMETHING GOT DAMAGED** Once you hear the *GONG* it will be time to get up and move on.. do it quick, no lolly gaggin, or my bouncers will haul your ass out... My bouncers, they will be eunichs, thats how they can stand it...
I will be rolling in it... Which might be dangerous... obviously the more money I get the hotter and hotter I will become... it is my burden... I will try not to complain too much...
Like a pro, I have to practice and practice to keep my "HAWT" in tip top shape... Sure, I have this natural inate ability, but.. uh, but... you know, it needs to be, uh, grown like a garden... cultivated, yeah, cultivated...
It wasn't always like this, but that is another story...

The reflex is in charge of finding treasure in the dark

I went over to the evil empire training facility for some free coffee, 'cause I won't pay for it myself... anyhow, I was standing in line there and I was right behind this dude, some sort of customs official or La Migra or something... whatever he was, he had a gun... nice big one... looked dangerous...
so I did a quick scan around the building and noticed a cop over at the end of the counter waiting for some coffee... there were probably 20+ other people standing around...
I looked back down at the gun in the dudes holster and I thought to myself, you know, self, you could totally grab that gun and go nuts... I figured it would be easy, the dude was ordering some sort of caramel latte, so he had to be a puss...
I figured I could go all Pulp Fiction and shit... Grab the gun and start screaming...
ALL YOU MFER'S HIT THE GROUND, THIS IS A MF'IN ROBBERY!!! SHUT UP!!! GET DOWN, GET DOWN!!! GIMME MY COFFEE BITCH!!!
There would be some screaming, the dude I grabbed the gun from would wet himself and then lay on the ground in a puddle of his own pee...
The cop at the end of the counter, he would probably try to calm me down or something... he would be all crouching behind the rack with all the coffee on it... gun in one hand, Americano in the other...
He would try to reason with me:
Him: Now son, we don't want any trouble. Just put the gun down and step away.
Me: NO, YOU PUT YOUR F'IN GUN DOWN, PIG!!!
Him: You don't want to hurt anyone, so just put the gun down. You are in enough trouble as it is...
Me: YOU WANT TROUBLE, I WILL SHOW YOU TROUBLE!!! I EAT PIGS FOR BREAKFAST!
Him: PUT THE GUN DOWN!
Me: YOU PUT YOUR GUN DOWN!
Him: blah blah **threates to shoot me**
ME: **UNINTELLIGIBLE RETORT**
Him: What?
ME: EVERYBODY HATES ME!!! BUT I LOVE THE WHOLE WORLD!@!!
Him: What do you want?
ME: I WANT SOME COFFEE... AND I WANT THE BARISTAS TO TAKE OFF THEIR SHIRTS, AND I WANT THOSE 2 TO KISS, AND MAYBE A DONUT...
He would continue to try and reason with me and I would probably shoot the gun out of his hand *pow* because I am an excellent shot and have brilliant hand eye coordination.
Then I would probably get all confused because I have no real demands and most of the baristas are nasty and probably have pierced nipples, which I really don't dig... I guess that would be another example of getting what you want but not really wanting what you get, eh? then I would have to figure out some way to get out of there, and then what...
Actually I would try to make a break for it and just come back here and sit down at my desk like nothing had happened... maybe they wouldn't be able to find me... it would confuse them at least, WTF, he was just sitting at his desk working... he must be crazy...
There are probably much better places to go berzerk... like a pharmacy, run by strippers, someplace warm...
Its a shame really, shouldn't need to go all freaky, you know... shouldn't have to steal some poor dudes gun and start acting like a philistine:
**Big George: What's a philistine?
Sally: Well, it's just a real dirty person.**
It is my motivation that I am really having issue with, though... I mean, grabbin' some dudes gun and screaming and freaking out would really be it's own reward, you know, it's own payout... Cathartic or something... One of those, YEAH, I REALLY KICKED SOME ASS, EH? type deals...
I bet after you get over the crying jag you are in a real happy place, mentally, at least, 'cause physically you will probably be in a world of hurt... I don't think the cop is going to go for your story about how you feel much better now, thanks very much... and just let you walk away...
WTF was my point... I had one here somewhere... uh... Starbucks sucks? Well, there is that point, but I don't think that is the one I was looking for... Eh, doesn't really matter...
Trying to keep it together for several hours in a row, you dig... Keep getting pulled in different directions so at this point I don't know what I have outstanding... well, except for my package... my naughty bits are outstanding... really... I like them...

Damn, I really had it together this morning... was on one of those peaks, you know, the zone or something... I could multitask, it was quiet, I was rockin it... now, not so much... Oh, I am still doing 10 things at once, but I think I am on the downward arc... I have passed the terminus (is that right, the tippy top of the curve?)...
DUDE... I am SO right... check it out... I did a quick WIKI search on Curve and found: to follow a curved path a body must experience acceleration.
Which is exactly what I was talking about... I was accelerating this morning and now I am slowing down...
Apparently, though, curves are kinda GAY: if one says curved in ordinary language, it means bent (not straight)
So apparently I was completely wrong... it was NOT an arc... Arc are part of a circle, although it could have been an arch (see those italics? I did that... with codes... just on the fly, it is now part of my sentence structure to add random html to whatever I am typing... I roxor!!1)