for Kitten Chow...

So I gave up the secret the other night...
"Wa-Wa-WHAT!?!?" I can hear you screaming...
"How the hell did that happen?" and "You Asshole!" may be other things coming out of your mouth...
Well, it weren't my fault. I didn't mean to do it.
I mean, of course I told my lovely wife... I have very few secrets from her. I would tell her anything she wanted to know, *snap*, just like that...
But I was confused, I was tricked, it wasn't my fault...
Let's set the stage, ok...
Me and the famiry were at some friends house saturday night, a little xmas flavored get together. They served PORK, which should have put me on my guard from the start, but I just figured they also liked PORK (who doesn't). I didn't stop to think that it was part of their insidious plan.
Then my wifes hot friend kept coming on to me all night. Mostly through her husband, which was kinda strange, but I know quite well that I am as attractive to the boys as the girls, so again I just kinda wrote it off.
He was all like "can I get you anything?" and I think we both knew what he meant by that, well, kinda... I figured that he was either offering up himself or his wife, but I didn't really take the bait... took a beer and some wine instead.
So we are sitting there eating pork, had some wine, they put on some loud music, some "metal" you dig, and once again I should have seen it coming... I mean, it would have been nice to have the red room (hey, the room WAS red) with the pillows (dammit, the couch was pretty fluffy) with the curtains and the opium and the dancing girls (well, there weren't exactly dancing girls, but the lady of her house was very obviously shaking her tail feathers, all sitting there on the couch getting all excited about the music)...
They kept complimenting me also, very sublime like...
"oh, you are so funny!" and "my wife loves reading your blog! She often has to change her panties after she gets done!"
I guess it was all going to her head... I was probably sitting there with my package on display (can't help it, it just does things)
Anyhow, all of a sudden, I find myself alone with the lady of the house, lets call her kitten, cause she was all slinky and reminded me of that Cure song, Love Cats...
Ah
We move like cagey tigers
We couldn't get closer than this
The way we walk
The way we talk
The way we stalk
The way we kiss
We slip through the streets
While everyone sleeps
Getting bigger and sleeker
And wider and brighter
We bite and scratch and scream all night
Let's go and throw
All the songs we know...
So, you, your nickname is now Kitten...
So, yeah, suddenly we were alone, and she started out all sublime like...
"I think you are really funny" and "I bet your weiner is really silky soft"...
I was kinda startled, I mean, it is all true, but I wasn't sure were she was going with it...
I said "yeah, thanks" or something like that...
She was all purring like... she was all like, "SOooo..." and I was all like, "yeah"... and she was all like, in kind of a throaty whisper, she started out slow, "why... don't... you...", I was nervous and scared... "tell me..." and she was getting closer and closer... I swear she was licking her lips... "your secret..."
I got a head rush at this point, all the blood had drained out of my head, I probably had a boner or something.... everything was swimming... then I realized what she had said...
"NO!" I told her flat out.
Her eyes were all spinning around like in the cartoons where they use some spinny things to hypnotize you. I couldn't look away, she was drawing me in...
She said something like:
"come on, baby, you can tell me. I won't tell anyone. It will be OUR secret."
I kinda whimpered a soft little "no", but she was really really close. Her eyes were huge, I could smell lust on her breath, you know that deep hot horny smell...
I was getting kinda worried that she might reach out and grab my package or try to kiss me or something, I mean, her husband and my wife were in the other room and it would have been akward and either turned into some sort of demented orgy or her and her husband would have tried to tag team me or something... worse case scenario would be her getting away with it and having to try and keep it from my lovely wife... I couldn't do that to her, not with her best friend especially... I had a decision to make, and I had to make it fast before she got any closer... I could practically feel the heat coming off her by this time and I just let it spill...
I told her everything, history, background, current events, the who and what and why... everything I knew... I couldn't stop... I was trying to push her away with my words... take it and go, take it and go... I was almost crying by the time I got done... but not the good kind of cathartic cry, it was one of those cry's like you knew you had done something wrong and you just wanted it to be over...
She seemed REALLY excited hearing about it, but it was probably some rush of power she felt to have broken me... she looked like a viking or Xena or something...
And then it was over... she was all like, "Hmmn, thanks!" and walked away.
I just stood there trying to figure out what happened... Her scent wafted away, she was swishing her tail, I was just standing there, breathing heavy, tears drying on my face, boner trying to rip through my pants... and she just walked away...
She didn't even give me a kiss or nothing... which is just as well...
She acted like nothing had happened when I went back in the other room, but I could see her whispering with her husband and him kinda smirking... It is probably just me, but I kinda felt like they were patronizing me for the rest of the night, like they felt like they were better than me or something... but I could tell that I it had made her hot, being all seductive with me and stuff... she was crawlin' all over her husband, so it is almost like I did them some sort of service or something...
maybe I should hire myself out to people, men and women, to get their partners hot for them... I could, you know, work my magic, get the person in question all hot and horny and then leave so the person in question will have no choice but to get it on with the party of the first part, because I am not there and I am married to the most wonderful woman in the world so I wouldn't and couldn't get it on with them anyhow...
I am all about efficiency people, so in order for this to work most, uh, efficiently, quick and I guess to hit the most people at once, I am going to have to do this in groups... maybe rent out a space of some sort, like Mccaw Hall or Key Arena or something... Tickets starting at $24 for the cheap seats, where you can hear and see me but can't get a good whiff, to maybe something like $260 if you want a backstage pass, maybe even sit on the couch in the VIP room with me for 5 minutes (5 minutes because I have to get through a whole long line of people and plus I don't want you to overdose and/or try someting stupid)
For $500 I will let you give me a kiss, but not on the lips... maybe on the cheek or neck, no hickies. For $1200 you can spend the weekend with my wife and me, we can put on a little "couples weekend" type deal where we teach you how to get the spark back, with a little boost from me. This will be limited in availability, yo... this is the platinum package...
NO: touching
NO: funding/scholarships/charity
NO: I won't pose naked for you
NO: you can't just see IT
NO: you can't be naked either (well, I may be a little flexible on this, as warranted)
NO: I will not watch (well, again, I may be a little flexible on this, depends on if you are suffering from Lesbian Bed Death and you are especially hot or something)
NO: it can't be bottled or packaged for later use... must be enjoyed "fresh"
YES: This is for couples only (for liability purposes, you dig, I can't be held responsible for what might happen if you had noone to "expend" your energies on/with, it could be disatrous, or you might get blisters or something).
YES: This is covered by many insurance policies, either as preventative maintenance or therapy, your choice.
YES: you can stroke my arm and/or thighs sensously, but don't get no funny ideas. This can include: pushing your boobs into my arm and/or dry humping my leg like a dog, but just for a minute.
YES: I love you, I love the whole world, that is why I am doing this...
So, basically, I will fill a stadium with people and maybe walk through the crowd (there will be little paths roped off for me to walk through, to keep the crowd back) and I will shake hands, maybe give ya a high five or a pat on the ass, and move on... try to get through as much of the crowd as possible as quickly as possible...
If you get the back stage pass I will talk with you for a minutes, let you get a good whiff, maybe let YOU pat me on the ass, then I will move on, cause I gotta get to the VIP lounge...
In the loungs there will be a papasan chair, a nice big one, comfy cushion, maybe some incense and soft lighting, some nice Tequila all trayed up in the corner... maybe some of those little sandwiches and some chips and salsa, little smokies in BBQ sauce... Torky and Stuffing in season... You can stand in line, take a shot, maybe have a little snack while you are waiting... one by one you can come and sit in the papason with me, your partner and stand by and watch if they like, maybe you can both sit in the chair with me, one on each side, and we can chat... **DUDE: THE RULES WILL BE CLEARLY POSTED ABOVE THE CHAIR. ANY DEVIATION FROM THE ACCEPTED BEHAVIOR WILL NOT BE TOLERATED AND YOU WILL BE EXPELLED IMMEDIATELY. I CAN'T BE HAVING DOZENS OF PEOPLE RANDOMLY PAWING AT MY PACKAGE, MY WIFE WOULD BE PISSED IF SOMETHING GOT DAMAGED** Once you hear the *GONG* it will be time to get up and move on.. do it quick, no lolly gaggin, or my bouncers will haul your ass out... My bouncers, they will be eunichs, thats how they can stand it...
I will be rolling in it... Which might be dangerous... obviously the more money I get the hotter and hotter I will become... it is my burden... I will try not to complain too much...
Like a pro, I have to practice and practice to keep my "HAWT" in tip top shape... Sure, I have this natural inate ability, but.. uh, but... you know, it needs to be, uh, grown like a garden... cultivated, yeah, cultivated...
It wasn't always like this, but that is another story...