You can't handle the truth...

Now, most of the time I am a pretty understanding kinda dude, you know, I just sit here and mind my own business... when I am on the bus I make sure not to make any sustained eye contact or have any actual conversations with anyone, that would be rude... If someone has to cram their ass into a tiny spot on the seat next to me I make sure to scrunch up in the opposite direction from them, you know, so to avoid any prolonged ass to ass contact...
But sometimes, you know, you are just in one of those moods... one of those moods where the wrong thing happens at the wrong time and you just can't contain yourself...
Since my hands are registered with the FBI as weapons of mass destruction, and because of all my training as a top secret operative, I like to think that I am able to maintain myself better than most... it would be easy enough to give some wise ass a judo chop to the jaw, maybe a quick sharp shot to the eye socket or the touch of death or something, but I don't... don't want to draw attention to myself any more than I already do...
So, the other day, I was sitting on the bus, just minding my own business, and we had just about reached my stop... I started gathering my shit together when I suddenly felt this grinding on my toes... I looked down and the dude sitting next to me had decided to shift or something and ended up stepping on my Vans... not just stepping but grinding... I looked at him, tried to keep it soft, no need to give him nightmares... He looked at me and had the balls to say to me:
"Watch where you are putting your feet!"
He may have been kidding, he had kind of a smile on his face... or he may have been a complete asshole, maybe it was a smirk... fucker!!!
I almost made a fist, almost, but I know better than to make a fist unless I am fully prepared to use it... and I hadn't decided whether or not to kill him yet, which is odd as I usually make those decisions in a split second...
Then I realized his foot was still on top of mine. I looked down, he looked down, he was still smiling, and he slid his foot forward... actually slid it across mine... until his leg was fully stretched out into the aisle...
For one reason I had decided to let him live, so I grabbed my stuff and made my move to leave, but he had his leg out in the aisle so I had to kinda hitch around it... he was still smirking... so I headed down the stairs and I heard him chortle... WTF?!?! THE FUCKER ACTUALLY CHORTLED AT ME!!! HE WAS LAUGHING AT ME!!! NOBODY LAUGHS AT ME!!!
I stopped at the bottom of the stairs, the chortle ringing in my ears, and the bus pulled out... I looked down, looked at my shoe... it was scuffed... Aaargghh... I looked at my left hand (swift), then I looked at my right hand (justi)... They were fists... I put them together, thumb to thumb... SWIFTJUSTI is said (didn't have enough room for the "C" and the "E", but I knew it spelled out swiftjustice, and they had proved it more than once)...
I took off running after the bus, fists furiously pumping, but not in a good way... the bus had a good lead on me and I got stopped by a couple traffic lights, but there, up ahead, I saw it stop and the fucker got off the bus... He crossed the street in a crowd, he was moving at a pretty good pace... I followed him, was tracking him... I saw him go into a building, I saw the elevator lights blinking off the floors, he got off on the 8th floor... I couldn't wait for the next elevator so I ran up the stairs, all lickety split...
I busted out the door on the 8th floor and looked to the left and right... there were a couple ladies up there, they were staring at me... they could smell my rage and sweat and it excited them... they reached out for me but I slid past them in the most likely direction, through a glass door (literally, through it) and left the tinkling sound of shattered glass behind me... I saw him turn a corner... I ran after him... He walked into an office, I walked in behind him... Swift caught him from behind, right on the back of the head behind his ear... this spun him around... Justi caught him under the jaw and his head snapped back... I made the touch of death, but decided that would be too quick, so I changed to monkey claw and ripped his throat out... there was blood everywhere... the momentum had driven him back a few feet so I did flying judo kick to his stomach and sent him through the window and down 8 stories... I am pretty sure he was dead... HA!
I put swift and justi away and wiped my hands on my pants... I came down pretty quick, thought of unicorns or something soothing like that... I thought about going and finding them girls that were out in the lobby cause killing dudes always makes me horny, but I decided I should probably not... I felt calm but I might still be too amped up and would end up hurting them with my savage love... so I decided to go to work...
I was heading out the way I had come when I heard some sobbing coming from one of the offices... I looked in and saw this nice older man sitting there with his head in his hands, crying all alone... it was pitiful... so I stooped to see what the matter was, maybe he needed someone killed, and I was still kinda in a killing mood so, you know...
So I stopped to talk to him and he opened up the floodgates... cried and cried... I was starting to feel kinda disgusted with him when he finally got to the heart of the matter... he was having trouble pleasing his wife... he really loved her but she needed more than he was able to offer... but he was busy and could never really get into the groove, you know... and he had heard of things, like technique, but really just didn't understand... I was amazed...
It is one thing to use my killing skills to teach someone a lesson, but now I had the opportunity to use some of my softer skills... my LOVE skills... so I sat down and drew some pictures, kinda acted out some scenarios... had him do some visualization... then taught him the monkey technique and the airplane... told him about the helicopter but told him that it might be a little advanced so not to try it without stretching first... then I taught him the hedgehog... he was amazed!!!
He was also really really grateful... he told me that if this worked out he wanted to make it up to me somehow... I asked him if his wife was hot, and if so how about some pictures... he suggested no... but I gave him my number anyhow and told him to give me a call...
A couple days later he called, said it worked FANTASTIC and his wife had never been so satisfied (and sore)... "good for you!" I told him...
Then he made me an offer, offered me a job... a good job, in his office, with a 25% raise in pay, health insurance that would save me $800 a year, and 25,500 stock options for when his company goes public...
How could I refuse... I couldn't... I start on the 2nd...
So the secret is out... there you go...

super secret that I am not supposed to talk about but if you guess it well then...

Spilling the beans...

The big secret...
Well, since I am apparently not capable of keeping this secret, I am going to just let it see the light of day, right here, right now...
So, this person who told me the secret, it is a girl... She was driving home in the dark and rain a few weeks ago (probably a month or so now) and she picked up a hitchhiker. She does not normally do this, but he was hispanic (I can't tell you why that matters) and she felt sorry for him, standing there in the dark rainy night.
Anyhow, so this dude gets in her car and they get to talking. Turns out he is an upstanding member of the community, donates his time and efforts to El Centro de la Raza (say it with me, El Centro de la Raza) and local childrens hospitals... He had a sexy latino accent (she told me) and she was not really paying attention to the road.
Suddenly there was a big bump, BAM, like they had hit something. She stopped, backed up, and hit something again, like going over a curb, you get the picture. So she was kinda freaked out, it was quiet, except for the sound of the rain. She stared straight ahead. The kind latino gentlemen tried to comfort her, told her it was probably a dog or a cat (hopefully a cat). He told her to sit still and he would get out and take a look. He was about to get out of the car when he paused, just for a moment. He looked at her, right in the eyes, and told her that although they had only known each other for a very short time, he felt they had made a connection, and was pretty sure that he was falling in love with her already, and he hoped she felt the same way...
She got all teary eyed and her heart started pounding and she almost forgot about having hit something. They stared at each other for a moment, he smiled and got out of the car. She started thinking of the possibilities, what her life could be like with the last name Sanchez...
She watched him get out and go to the front of the car. When he got there he stopped and stared. He just stood there looking and looking. He moved forward a step. Then another. He bent over so she could barely see him then kinda straightened up and looked through the rainy windshield at her... He had this look on his face, really hard to describe (she told me) then he bent over again and she could barely see him but it looked like he was trying to pick something up... She could see him struggling and she was scared. He moved this way and that and all of a sudden he stood up. She could see he had something in his hands, something kinda big, but not too big, it was hard to see, she turned on her windshield wipers a little higher, he turned towards her, kinda lost his grip on whatever it was he was holding, she could see it wiggling a little bit... He got a better grip on it and kinda heaved it up and turned towards her... She got her first good look at it...
It was a midget...
She jumped, her foot came off the brakes, she slammed her foot back down as the car started rolling forward, she missed the brake, hit the gas, the car shot forward, there were 2 thumps as she ran over the midget and her new love... the front wheels went over just fine, but the back wheels got stuck somehow so there was this sickening squeeling of tires on concrete and flesh, suddenly they caught and she shot forward... She was crying and was kinda hysterical, cause that is how she gets... she just kept on driving, went on home...
She got home and started walking to the front of the car, then stopped, wasn't sure what she might see there, mabye a little midget hand or tiny little shoe or something... but there was nothing... no damage, no loose pieces of cloth, nothing...
She started thinking that she had to do something, she had to come clean, but she couldn't... what would people say? what would they think of her? Her life would be ruined... So she hatched a plan... she went in the garage and got a shovel out, and a box of garbage bags, and a bottle of Arbor Mist (Strawberry White Zinfandel)... She hatched a plan...
She got back in her car and headed back...
It was dark, rainy, very little traffic on the road... probably noone noticed or witnessed... She would wrap them up in plastic, shove them in her trunk, go out the Valley or down by the river, dig a big hole and bury them... she would cover her tracks, it would be her big deep dark secret... noone would miss a midget, yo, and she would always have her dreams of what might have been with the last name Sanchez... She drove on back to where she thought they should be, and kept driving, there was nothing there, so she went a little farther, watching for people walking on the side of the road... She turned back around and retraced her steps... Nothing... nothing...
Up and down the road she went, drinking her Arbor Mist straight from the bottle, crying hysterically and peeing herself a little bit... She got out and walked the road where she thought it happened, looking for clues, but there was nothing, no little footprints, no drag marks, nothing... They were GONE!!!
So she went home and slept... called in sick to work the next day... She drove the road again but it looked normal, no nothing that would ever lead anyone to imagine that something had happened...
She was ready to believe (herself) that maybe she imagined the whole thing, made the whole thing up like a daydream... and she almost convinced herself, but... but... she could smell him, Mr. Sanchez... well, she wasn't sure his name actually was Sanchez, but that is what she imagined her name would be when they got married... sigh... but she could smell him in her car... it smelled good... it made her head spin... it made her heart ache...
She doesn't know what happened to them, but she started getting strange calls... tiny little raspy voice on the other end, calling her a bitch and stuff... and tiny little limpy drag marks outside her house in the dirt, like a gimpy little midget has been walking around, draggin his now useless limb... He will never play in the midget world cup... will never win a race in the midget olympics...
And she swears, she swears, when the wind blows just right, she can smell the man, and the wind seems to whisper to her... it whispers "why??? Why??? I loved you!!!" and sometimes it whispers "ouch"...
So that is what she told me, she made me promise that I would never tell... I promised on someting important, I can't remember what, and to be honest I am a bit worried about what might happen to whatever I promised on now that I have blabbed it all...
I tried to tell her that, you know, running over a midget, no harm no foul... they are used to being run over, those little people... and if she really wanted to she could go down to El Centro and see if her man is there and try to make it up to him, explain that she got scared and went back and stuff, but she said no... She especially made me promise not to ever (EVER) tell anyone that she peed herself a little... she is REALLY embarassed about that... peeing herself...
I told her not to worry about it... Then of course told my wife... thats a given...
Then Kitten Chow seduced the secret out of me that one night... I still feel cheap and used over that...
Oh, then I had to tell ADO because she was giving me a ride home and I felt obligated somewhat so I just kinda spilled the beans...
Sorry about that...

for Kitten Chow...

So I gave up the secret the other night...
"Wa-Wa-WHAT!?!?" I can hear you screaming...
"How the hell did that happen?" and "You Asshole!" may be other things coming out of your mouth...
Well, it weren't my fault. I didn't mean to do it.
I mean, of course I told my lovely wife... I have very few secrets from her. I would tell her anything she wanted to know, *snap*, just like that...
But I was confused, I was tricked, it wasn't my fault...
Let's set the stage, ok...
Me and the famiry were at some friends house saturday night, a little xmas flavored get together. They served PORK, which should have put me on my guard from the start, but I just figured they also liked PORK (who doesn't). I didn't stop to think that it was part of their insidious plan.
Then my wifes hot friend kept coming on to me all night. Mostly through her husband, which was kinda strange, but I know quite well that I am as attractive to the boys as the girls, so again I just kinda wrote it off.
He was all like "can I get you anything?" and I think we both knew what he meant by that, well, kinda... I figured that he was either offering up himself or his wife, but I didn't really take the bait... took a beer and some wine instead.
So we are sitting there eating pork, had some wine, they put on some loud music, some "metal" you dig, and once again I should have seen it coming... I mean, it would have been nice to have the red room (hey, the room WAS red) with the pillows (dammit, the couch was pretty fluffy) with the curtains and the opium and the dancing girls (well, there weren't exactly dancing girls, but the lady of her house was very obviously shaking her tail feathers, all sitting there on the couch getting all excited about the music)...
They kept complimenting me also, very sublime like...
"oh, you are so funny!" and "my wife loves reading your blog! She often has to change her panties after she gets done!"
I guess it was all going to her head... I was probably sitting there with my package on display (can't help it, it just does things)
Anyhow, all of a sudden, I find myself alone with the lady of the house, lets call her kitten, cause she was all slinky and reminded me of that Cure song, Love Cats...
Ah
We move like cagey tigers
We couldn't get closer than this
The way we walk
The way we talk
The way we stalk
The way we kiss
We slip through the streets
While everyone sleeps
Getting bigger and sleeker
And wider and brighter
We bite and scratch and scream all night
Let's go and throw
All the songs we know...
So, you, your nickname is now Kitten...
So, yeah, suddenly we were alone, and she started out all sublime like...
"I think you are really funny" and "I bet your weiner is really silky soft"...
I was kinda startled, I mean, it is all true, but I wasn't sure were she was going with it...
I said "yeah, thanks" or something like that...
She was all purring like... she was all like, "SOooo..." and I was all like, "yeah"... and she was all like, in kind of a throaty whisper, she started out slow, "why... don't... you...", I was nervous and scared... "tell me..." and she was getting closer and closer... I swear she was licking her lips... "your secret..."
I got a head rush at this point, all the blood had drained out of my head, I probably had a boner or something.... everything was swimming... then I realized what she had said...
"NO!" I told her flat out.
Her eyes were all spinning around like in the cartoons where they use some spinny things to hypnotize you. I couldn't look away, she was drawing me in...
She said something like:
"come on, baby, you can tell me. I won't tell anyone. It will be OUR secret."
I kinda whimpered a soft little "no", but she was really really close. Her eyes were huge, I could smell lust on her breath, you know that deep hot horny smell...
I was getting kinda worried that she might reach out and grab my package or try to kiss me or something, I mean, her husband and my wife were in the other room and it would have been akward and either turned into some sort of demented orgy or her and her husband would have tried to tag team me or something... worse case scenario would be her getting away with it and having to try and keep it from my lovely wife... I couldn't do that to her, not with her best friend especially... I had a decision to make, and I had to make it fast before she got any closer... I could practically feel the heat coming off her by this time and I just let it spill...
I told her everything, history, background, current events, the who and what and why... everything I knew... I couldn't stop... I was trying to push her away with my words... take it and go, take it and go... I was almost crying by the time I got done... but not the good kind of cathartic cry, it was one of those cry's like you knew you had done something wrong and you just wanted it to be over...
She seemed REALLY excited hearing about it, but it was probably some rush of power she felt to have broken me... she looked like a viking or Xena or something...
And then it was over... she was all like, "Hmmn, thanks!" and walked away.
I just stood there trying to figure out what happened... Her scent wafted away, she was swishing her tail, I was just standing there, breathing heavy, tears drying on my face, boner trying to rip through my pants... and she just walked away...
She didn't even give me a kiss or nothing... which is just as well...
She acted like nothing had happened when I went back in the other room, but I could see her whispering with her husband and him kinda smirking... It is probably just me, but I kinda felt like they were patronizing me for the rest of the night, like they felt like they were better than me or something... but I could tell that I it had made her hot, being all seductive with me and stuff... she was crawlin' all over her husband, so it is almost like I did them some sort of service or something...
maybe I should hire myself out to people, men and women, to get their partners hot for them... I could, you know, work my magic, get the person in question all hot and horny and then leave so the person in question will have no choice but to get it on with the party of the first part, because I am not there and I am married to the most wonderful woman in the world so I wouldn't and couldn't get it on with them anyhow...
I am all about efficiency people, so in order for this to work most, uh, efficiently, quick and I guess to hit the most people at once, I am going to have to do this in groups... maybe rent out a space of some sort, like Mccaw Hall or Key Arena or something... Tickets starting at $24 for the cheap seats, where you can hear and see me but can't get a good whiff, to maybe something like $260 if you want a backstage pass, maybe even sit on the couch in the VIP room with me for 5 minutes (5 minutes because I have to get through a whole long line of people and plus I don't want you to overdose and/or try someting stupid)
For $500 I will let you give me a kiss, but not on the lips... maybe on the cheek or neck, no hickies. For $1200 you can spend the weekend with my wife and me, we can put on a little "couples weekend" type deal where we teach you how to get the spark back, with a little boost from me. This will be limited in availability, yo... this is the platinum package...
NO: touching
NO: funding/scholarships/charity
NO: I won't pose naked for you
NO: you can't just see IT
NO: you can't be naked either (well, I may be a little flexible on this, as warranted)
NO: I will not watch (well, again, I may be a little flexible on this, depends on if you are suffering from Lesbian Bed Death and you are especially hot or something)
NO: it can't be bottled or packaged for later use... must be enjoyed "fresh"
YES: This is for couples only (for liability purposes, you dig, I can't be held responsible for what might happen if you had noone to "expend" your energies on/with, it could be disatrous, or you might get blisters or something).
YES: This is covered by many insurance policies, either as preventative maintenance or therapy, your choice.
YES: you can stroke my arm and/or thighs sensously, but don't get no funny ideas. This can include: pushing your boobs into my arm and/or dry humping my leg like a dog, but just for a minute.
YES: I love you, I love the whole world, that is why I am doing this...
So, basically, I will fill a stadium with people and maybe walk through the crowd (there will be little paths roped off for me to walk through, to keep the crowd back) and I will shake hands, maybe give ya a high five or a pat on the ass, and move on... try to get through as much of the crowd as possible as quickly as possible...
If you get the back stage pass I will talk with you for a minutes, let you get a good whiff, maybe let YOU pat me on the ass, then I will move on, cause I gotta get to the VIP lounge...
In the loungs there will be a papasan chair, a nice big one, comfy cushion, maybe some incense and soft lighting, some nice Tequila all trayed up in the corner... maybe some of those little sandwiches and some chips and salsa, little smokies in BBQ sauce... Torky and Stuffing in season... You can stand in line, take a shot, maybe have a little snack while you are waiting... one by one you can come and sit in the papason with me, your partner and stand by and watch if they like, maybe you can both sit in the chair with me, one on each side, and we can chat... **DUDE: THE RULES WILL BE CLEARLY POSTED ABOVE THE CHAIR. ANY DEVIATION FROM THE ACCEPTED BEHAVIOR WILL NOT BE TOLERATED AND YOU WILL BE EXPELLED IMMEDIATELY. I CAN'T BE HAVING DOZENS OF PEOPLE RANDOMLY PAWING AT MY PACKAGE, MY WIFE WOULD BE PISSED IF SOMETHING GOT DAMAGED** Once you hear the *GONG* it will be time to get up and move on.. do it quick, no lolly gaggin, or my bouncers will haul your ass out... My bouncers, they will be eunichs, thats how they can stand it...
I will be rolling in it... Which might be dangerous... obviously the more money I get the hotter and hotter I will become... it is my burden... I will try not to complain too much...
Like a pro, I have to practice and practice to keep my "HAWT" in tip top shape... Sure, I have this natural inate ability, but.. uh, but... you know, it needs to be, uh, grown like a garden... cultivated, yeah, cultivated...
It wasn't always like this, but that is another story...

You must suffer and cry for a longer time...

Ahhh...
Crap crap crappity crap... I am DJ crappy pants, Crap Master Poopy Poop, Sgt. Crap of the shit city police dept... Just because...
I have mentioned that I don't live in the present, I live in the past and the future, and now is not really happening, it is just a big balloon of time, yo...
And I only mention this because I have nothing else to really talk about...
Lets see...
Uh, someone told me a deep dark secret yesterday... Super deep, super dark, and made me promise not to tell ANYONE... I promised that I wouldn't... and I won't... but let me tell you, it is pretty big... super, really...
I mean, you won't see me on the news, leading the police to the decomposed body of someone, implicated in the crime by my knowledge, driven to the authorities by guilt and association... nothing like that...
There won't be any serious direct conversations being had to explain to anyone important why that cold sore on their lip may be a bit more than that and how I happen to know this and why I am deeply deeply sorry... no...
Oh, I guess the for the optimists out there... No, there is not a party coming up, no booty to be shared, nothing like that...
But... but...
Oh, funny, girl anachronism just came on the mighty Zen... funny that... time... everything is about time...
anyhow... Dude, you could take me in the other room and torture me a bit, threaten my manhood with electrodes or jumper cables or something, and I would never tell... take some pincers to my nipples until tear well up in my eyes and I would just spit at you, you won't get anything out of me that way... If you want to get this info may I suggest forcing me to smoke opium in a comfortable pillow filled room while girls do a slow striptease in the corner to soothing music... maybe some curtains or tapestries on the walls... and a spongebath... but instead of sponges use those wash mitts that you can fit your whole hand in so you can get in all the nooks and crannies... that would be my suggestion... it wouldn't work, mind you, but wouldn't that be pleasant of you... yes...
Perhaps, one day, the secret will come out in some other way, maybe YOU will tell ME the secret and, depending on how general the knowledge is at that point, I may say, Yes, I already knew about that, actually for some time now... Although, if hardly anyone knows I will pretend I know nothing and YOU and I will be partners in crime... I will keep your secret AND the original secret...
although (again) I am not sure you can be trusted to keep THIS secret as secret as I can... you would probably fold the first time they dripp the hot wax on your genitals... week bastard... I have my doubts because you couldn't keep it from me so how could you keep it from THEM... although (goddamn all the althoughs) I AM pretty suave and my general sexiness has often been used to my advantage... you probably can't be blamed for giving it up to me, the information that is... I know you, you figure if you give up the information you will be able to give up something else to me later... Sorry, I don't work that way... Thanks for the information, but you know, if I see something I want, I just take it...
When I want cattle, I take the cattle.
When I want food, I take the food.
When I want a woman... I just take the woman.
You... YOU can't bribe ME... you can try to get close, but if I really wanted anything from you... I would take it... ask people who know... go ahead and ask them... Say to them, "Hey... If Trey wants something, does he just take it or what???"
It may take a while to get the answer out of them...
They will get all glassy eyed and just kinda stare off into space for a few moments, all nippley... you may have to poke them... then they will just kinda nod...
"yes", they will say, "yes he does." and their eyebrows will raise up and they will give a little self satisfied smirk of knowing... then they will have to excuse themselves for a few minutes, if you know what I mean...
I guess what I am saying is that you really can't be blamed for telling ME the secret I already know, you can't help yourself but your motivation is probably a little skewed...
Hey, I get it now...
THAT is why I was told the secret in the first place... Someone is trying to get in my pants... so they thought they would tell me this thing, try to draw me in to their little world and take advantage of my caring nature in order to try and have sex with me... you sneaky little... damn... Ahhh... hmmnnn...
That was pretty slick... you would think I would have learned by now... I don't know how many times this scam has been run on me... and I am always a sucker for it... trying to get sympathy (pity) sex out of me... damn... You should be ashamed of yourself... Shame shame shame on you!!!
Sigh, irregardless, I will keep your dirty little secret... take it to the grave, if need be... it kills me... I love a good dirty little secret... so good and sooooo dirty... Huge... Huge secret... goddamn... I'm all atwitter...
You know what... damn, I have to tell someone... but I promised I wouldn't... so I tell you what I am going to do... I am going to go out behind the produce warehouse, there, over by the train tracks, and wait for a train to come by, and when it does, and it is all rushing by loud and shit, I will whisper the secret to myself... I will just, you know, say it out loud, but quietly... that should do it... Just let it out into the world and that should do it... keep me from bursting...
What a dichotomy... won't tell anybody, but gotta let it out... so wild horses couldn't drag it out of me, but I have no problem just giving it up to myself... ain't that always the way... giving it up to myself...

***
ATTENTION YOUR OLD LADY:
In Re: your comment: "taco go boom in the night"

I don't get it... it didn't go boom... it was right there in my hands... I remember looking down and seeing it there... and next thing I knew, there it was all over the place... kinda exploded all over the place, I suppose... that was a damn good taco, too...