Hey all ya'll...

So, the other day I am waiting for the bus, when this chick comes walking up to the stop (this was in the morning) with this other chick... Now dig this, I know the one chick from the bus stop, she is there most mornings, I know the other chick because she is the daughter of this chick that we dog sit for (ADO)... I was all like, "HEY!" and she was all like, "HI" and we chit chatted about how we knew each other and what she was doing at the bus stop so early in the morning... it was all very innocent.
So we got on the bus and I got this sweet seat at the front, facing forward like a big boy, and these chicks sit on the bench seat directly in front of me. The daugther of the chick who we dog sit for was sitting closest to me... about this far away [---], you know, pretty close.
So I put on my headphones and start listening to my music and signing in my head (I sing very well in my head) and trying not to bob my head or tap my foot... It was a mellow day on the bus... I didn't need to put anyone in their place, you know, by popping them in the jaw, although I did have swift and justi at the ready, just in case... I was just looking out the window. But, out the peripheral of my vision I keep seeing these gals, talking and having a good time... The bus was rocking and swaying... I shifted in my seat, ended up a little closer to the one gal. We hit a bump and I ended up moving a little, closer... I was a little self conscious about this but didn't want to, you know, make any obvious movements away... I was trying to get away, I just didn't want her to, you know, get all excited or get the wrong idea if our knees started bumping and grinding together, over and over, just, you know, bumping and bumping and bumping then maybe grinding together with the gentle swaying of the bus, like we were on a boat in the south pacific wearing nothing but nothing... you know what I mean???
So I just kinda tried to shift away like it weren't no big thing... but my pants were slick or something, and I kept seeming to slide closer... And this went on for what seemed like FOREVER, and the road gets progressively more bumpy and bumpy, and I was scared to look, but it seemed like everytime the bus went BUMP my knee when GRIND, bump and grind, bump and grind... and I didn't want to look to see what my knee was grinding on...
Finally... finally we were downtown, we got to the courthouse, and the one gal got off the bus, I looked up and gave her a nod, like, "Good day to you" and I looked at the remaining gal, the one that I had shared so much with over the course of the last half an hour, and you know what? You know what she did? She slid down to the end of her seat so she was a good 3 to 4 feet away and she was clutching her bag to her chest. She looked at me and then she looked down to the empty space on the seat and she made this FACE at me, like she was disgusted by me or something, or like I was a space hog or something, and she was all like, "There you go you bastard pervert!!!" or like I was going to attack her or something and she was all like: "Please don't attack me!!!" Oh, she kinda played it off, like it weren't no big deal, you know, but HEY, that's my deal, if anyone were going to play it off it should have been me... But I would have done it more like it was a special gift I had given her, like: "Hey, there you go, that should give you something to think about, weren't no big deal, you know, I like to give the ladies a little something wherever I go" and maybe a little wink and a smile... glitter and shine...
Let me tell you, I was a little confused, a little embarrassed... I think I mumbled something, tried to play it off... "Have a good day?!?" or something... but I can't stop thinking about it... Did I do something wrong? I ain't one of the smelly people, am I? Was it my breath? Was I too bold? What???
Big sigh....

******************
So we had a good anniversary last week... we still love each other and stuff, it is pretty rockin'...
My lovely wife dropped the kids off at the Chows for a sleep over and she busted her ass down here so we could go to dinner. I took it on myself to make reservations for us at Etta's, which is only a short walk away... We had always wanted to go to one of Tom Douglas' restaurants, you know, and I thought this would be SWEET... We walked in the rain, holding hands, smiling and being happy.
OK, so dork of the year award coming up:
We got to the restaurant and I told them I had reservations, but looking in the dining room it was pretty obvious that we could have just walked in and gotten served, but oh well...
So we get all sat down and get our bread and I order a coffee and the waiter is all like: "Do you have any questions?" and I bust out with:
"Hey, is Tom here?!?!?!?"
DORK!!!!
I swear the waiters sphincter probably shrunk 3 sizes when I asked him that... DERRRRRR...
He said no and played it off like it weren't no big thing, but I was immediately embarrassed and my old lady let me know what a major knob I was... but with love in her eyes... I tried to keep it cool through the rest of the meal... We had oysters for an appetizer... FREAKIN' TASTY, yo... yumm...
The old lady ordered up a steak, Kobe beef... I ordered the Crab Cakes... I swear to gawd the waiter rolled his eyes when I ordered them... like I was some sort of groupie... anyhow, the meal was good, just good... We were expecting more, something magical... nope, it was just good... but at least we did it...
Then we walked back down through Pike Place, I was funny, the lovely one was happy... We went home, it was quiet... yadda yadda yadda... We ended up going to the grocery store for some ice cream and stuff... Friday evening, our anniversary, the 13th of April, 11 years later, 10ish at night, we were at the grocery store... and it was all good... We went back home, she ate ice cream and I ate peanut butter cups. She did some work on the computer, I watched a crappy Nicholas Cage movie... I stayed up late and then went to bed... slept in, it was still quiet... We watched Little Miss Sunshine, it was good... yadda yadda yadda... then the kids came home and it was loud again... But it was ok cause we missed the girls anyhow...

***
Ahhh, I am losing my steam, should wrap this bad boy up...
Let's see... Uhh, I am out of training now, done, as far as I am concerned...
Brought my camera in and am gonna take a picture of the view from the rockstar desk...
There is apparently, perhaps, a slight flare up in the Korean Conflict... Seems the mad Korean is, uhh, mad at Chuck Fishback... I am gonna stay out of it, will be Denmark in this instance (screw the Swiss)...
Oh, and I noticed that the Red Bear quit the Shiny Happy Friends and removed the link to me from his blog... this is sad to me, but I guess he felt a need to move on... So it goes...

for Kitten Chow...

So I gave up the secret the other night...
"Wa-Wa-WHAT!?!?" I can hear you screaming...
"How the hell did that happen?" and "You Asshole!" may be other things coming out of your mouth...
Well, it weren't my fault. I didn't mean to do it.
I mean, of course I told my lovely wife... I have very few secrets from her. I would tell her anything she wanted to know, *snap*, just like that...
But I was confused, I was tricked, it wasn't my fault...
Let's set the stage, ok...
Me and the famiry were at some friends house saturday night, a little xmas flavored get together. They served PORK, which should have put me on my guard from the start, but I just figured they also liked PORK (who doesn't). I didn't stop to think that it was part of their insidious plan.
Then my wifes hot friend kept coming on to me all night. Mostly through her husband, which was kinda strange, but I know quite well that I am as attractive to the boys as the girls, so again I just kinda wrote it off.
He was all like "can I get you anything?" and I think we both knew what he meant by that, well, kinda... I figured that he was either offering up himself or his wife, but I didn't really take the bait... took a beer and some wine instead.
So we are sitting there eating pork, had some wine, they put on some loud music, some "metal" you dig, and once again I should have seen it coming... I mean, it would have been nice to have the red room (hey, the room WAS red) with the pillows (dammit, the couch was pretty fluffy) with the curtains and the opium and the dancing girls (well, there weren't exactly dancing girls, but the lady of her house was very obviously shaking her tail feathers, all sitting there on the couch getting all excited about the music)...
They kept complimenting me also, very sublime like...
"oh, you are so funny!" and "my wife loves reading your blog! She often has to change her panties after she gets done!"
I guess it was all going to her head... I was probably sitting there with my package on display (can't help it, it just does things)
Anyhow, all of a sudden, I find myself alone with the lady of the house, lets call her kitten, cause she was all slinky and reminded me of that Cure song, Love Cats...
Ah
We move like cagey tigers
We couldn't get closer than this
The way we walk
The way we talk
The way we stalk
The way we kiss
We slip through the streets
While everyone sleeps
Getting bigger and sleeker
And wider and brighter
We bite and scratch and scream all night
Let's go and throw
All the songs we know...
So, you, your nickname is now Kitten...
So, yeah, suddenly we were alone, and she started out all sublime like...
"I think you are really funny" and "I bet your weiner is really silky soft"...
I was kinda startled, I mean, it is all true, but I wasn't sure were she was going with it...
I said "yeah, thanks" or something like that...
She was all purring like... she was all like, "SOooo..." and I was all like, "yeah"... and she was all like, in kind of a throaty whisper, she started out slow, "why... don't... you...", I was nervous and scared... "tell me..." and she was getting closer and closer... I swear she was licking her lips... "your secret..."
I got a head rush at this point, all the blood had drained out of my head, I probably had a boner or something.... everything was swimming... then I realized what she had said...
"NO!" I told her flat out.
Her eyes were all spinning around like in the cartoons where they use some spinny things to hypnotize you. I couldn't look away, she was drawing me in...
She said something like:
"come on, baby, you can tell me. I won't tell anyone. It will be OUR secret."
I kinda whimpered a soft little "no", but she was really really close. Her eyes were huge, I could smell lust on her breath, you know that deep hot horny smell...
I was getting kinda worried that she might reach out and grab my package or try to kiss me or something, I mean, her husband and my wife were in the other room and it would have been akward and either turned into some sort of demented orgy or her and her husband would have tried to tag team me or something... worse case scenario would be her getting away with it and having to try and keep it from my lovely wife... I couldn't do that to her, not with her best friend especially... I had a decision to make, and I had to make it fast before she got any closer... I could practically feel the heat coming off her by this time and I just let it spill...
I told her everything, history, background, current events, the who and what and why... everything I knew... I couldn't stop... I was trying to push her away with my words... take it and go, take it and go... I was almost crying by the time I got done... but not the good kind of cathartic cry, it was one of those cry's like you knew you had done something wrong and you just wanted it to be over...
She seemed REALLY excited hearing about it, but it was probably some rush of power she felt to have broken me... she looked like a viking or Xena or something...
And then it was over... she was all like, "Hmmn, thanks!" and walked away.
I just stood there trying to figure out what happened... Her scent wafted away, she was swishing her tail, I was just standing there, breathing heavy, tears drying on my face, boner trying to rip through my pants... and she just walked away...
She didn't even give me a kiss or nothing... which is just as well...
She acted like nothing had happened when I went back in the other room, but I could see her whispering with her husband and him kinda smirking... It is probably just me, but I kinda felt like they were patronizing me for the rest of the night, like they felt like they were better than me or something... but I could tell that I it had made her hot, being all seductive with me and stuff... she was crawlin' all over her husband, so it is almost like I did them some sort of service or something...
maybe I should hire myself out to people, men and women, to get their partners hot for them... I could, you know, work my magic, get the person in question all hot and horny and then leave so the person in question will have no choice but to get it on with the party of the first part, because I am not there and I am married to the most wonderful woman in the world so I wouldn't and couldn't get it on with them anyhow...
I am all about efficiency people, so in order for this to work most, uh, efficiently, quick and I guess to hit the most people at once, I am going to have to do this in groups... maybe rent out a space of some sort, like Mccaw Hall or Key Arena or something... Tickets starting at $24 for the cheap seats, where you can hear and see me but can't get a good whiff, to maybe something like $260 if you want a backstage pass, maybe even sit on the couch in the VIP room with me for 5 minutes (5 minutes because I have to get through a whole long line of people and plus I don't want you to overdose and/or try someting stupid)
For $500 I will let you give me a kiss, but not on the lips... maybe on the cheek or neck, no hickies. For $1200 you can spend the weekend with my wife and me, we can put on a little "couples weekend" type deal where we teach you how to get the spark back, with a little boost from me. This will be limited in availability, yo... this is the platinum package...
NO: touching
NO: funding/scholarships/charity
NO: I won't pose naked for you
NO: you can't just see IT
NO: you can't be naked either (well, I may be a little flexible on this, as warranted)
NO: I will not watch (well, again, I may be a little flexible on this, depends on if you are suffering from Lesbian Bed Death and you are especially hot or something)
NO: it can't be bottled or packaged for later use... must be enjoyed "fresh"
YES: This is for couples only (for liability purposes, you dig, I can't be held responsible for what might happen if you had noone to "expend" your energies on/with, it could be disatrous, or you might get blisters or something).
YES: This is covered by many insurance policies, either as preventative maintenance or therapy, your choice.
YES: you can stroke my arm and/or thighs sensously, but don't get no funny ideas. This can include: pushing your boobs into my arm and/or dry humping my leg like a dog, but just for a minute.
YES: I love you, I love the whole world, that is why I am doing this...
So, basically, I will fill a stadium with people and maybe walk through the crowd (there will be little paths roped off for me to walk through, to keep the crowd back) and I will shake hands, maybe give ya a high five or a pat on the ass, and move on... try to get through as much of the crowd as possible as quickly as possible...
If you get the back stage pass I will talk with you for a minutes, let you get a good whiff, maybe let YOU pat me on the ass, then I will move on, cause I gotta get to the VIP lounge...
In the loungs there will be a papasan chair, a nice big one, comfy cushion, maybe some incense and soft lighting, some nice Tequila all trayed up in the corner... maybe some of those little sandwiches and some chips and salsa, little smokies in BBQ sauce... Torky and Stuffing in season... You can stand in line, take a shot, maybe have a little snack while you are waiting... one by one you can come and sit in the papason with me, your partner and stand by and watch if they like, maybe you can both sit in the chair with me, one on each side, and we can chat... **DUDE: THE RULES WILL BE CLEARLY POSTED ABOVE THE CHAIR. ANY DEVIATION FROM THE ACCEPTED BEHAVIOR WILL NOT BE TOLERATED AND YOU WILL BE EXPELLED IMMEDIATELY. I CAN'T BE HAVING DOZENS OF PEOPLE RANDOMLY PAWING AT MY PACKAGE, MY WIFE WOULD BE PISSED IF SOMETHING GOT DAMAGED** Once you hear the *GONG* it will be time to get up and move on.. do it quick, no lolly gaggin, or my bouncers will haul your ass out... My bouncers, they will be eunichs, thats how they can stand it...
I will be rolling in it... Which might be dangerous... obviously the more money I get the hotter and hotter I will become... it is my burden... I will try not to complain too much...
Like a pro, I have to practice and practice to keep my "HAWT" in tip top shape... Sure, I have this natural inate ability, but.. uh, but... you know, it needs to be, uh, grown like a garden... cultivated, yeah, cultivated...
It wasn't always like this, but that is another story...