The Doctor is in the house...

Based on the misc different pains and sufferings I have been experiencing lately I decided to go to the Google clinic and self diagnose myself. Boy am I sick...
Todays symptoms or complaints include: brain fog, sore jaw, grinding my teeth at night, sore upper back, fatigue, and perhaps others, not sure until I search for them, you dig.
So, based upon my symptoms I have diagnosed myself (in order of severity) with the following maladies:
1) Fibromyalgia
I am sure this is the one as I have experienced many of the symptoms throughout my life. Although, out of all the people affected by this only 1 in 9 are boys, I, of course, am special and 1 in 9 ain't nearly enough odds to exclude me.
2) Temporomandibular Joint Disorder or TMJ
This one doesn't really do it for me, seems to involve dentists and most likely is being caused by my big #3.
3) Bruxism
Most likely this is actually Sleep Bruxism as I appear to be grinding my teeth at night, to such an extent as it my lovely wife has become aware of it.
Based on my extensive research I am going to have to go with door #1.
I may have to go with a second opinion on this since I think I heard somewhere that a doctor that diagnosis' himself has a fool for a patient... but most likely, when or if I actually went to a doctor I would be just fine.

****
Beyond being on the verge of deaths door once again, let me tell you this:
Somehow my tub is dirty again, even though I scrubbed it last week. Not sure how this happened as the kind of dirty I am doesn't wash off (it rubs off, if you know what I mean).

It was great seeing some of you last night at the Noners party. Dude, I was watching these little girls dancing last night and I was all like, whoa... Where does an 8 year old get moves? 1 of them I am sure did not get them from her parents... What really got me was that I have no moves myself, beyond the running man... not since that accident...
See, I was in this contest, the great booty down of 2005... I was favored to win, all the money was on me since I was the reigning champion. I did all the warm ups I usually do, but I noticed something was wrong when I was oiling up my butt (everyone oils their butts in these contests, it is really a site to behold when the strobe lights are going off and bouncing rays off a glistening butt). I measured out the oil I was going to use and started rubbing it on but there seemed to be too much oil left over. I realized that all the squat thrusts and hill climbs I had been doing tightened up my butt a bit, but I didn't think it would be a problem, there should still be some jiggle left.
When it was my turn to get up there (I was going last) they hit my theme music, turned on the strobes and lasers and I ripped my pants off (down to my hammock). I started out slow with my erotic dance, the tempo of the music started to speed up, I spun around and thrust my butt out towards the crowd and started my shake. There was a big cheer, then it was oddly silent. I figured the crowd was in awe, but it stayed silent which is strange, normally there is all sorts of cheering and shouting going on, bouncers holding the ladies back from rushing my ass, you know, but this time, nothing. I took a quick glance over my shoulder and noticed the lights were glistening off of the tears in some of the ladies eyes and some of the fella's were all looking down like they couldn't stand to watch. I shook it a bit more and noticed there WEREN'T NO JIGGLE. I shook it harder. Still nothing. Apparently my butt was so tight that it was like shaking a brick at someone (instead of a bowl of jello). I shook it harder and harder... tried to cheat a little bit by throwing in some pelvic thrusts... and I think that was my downfall... see, I was thrusting and shaking it SOOO hard I broke something. I mean, true, some of the ladies couldn't take all the thrusting and tight ass rocking and passed out from hyperventilating, there's always that, but... but... its hard to talk about it... I can probably still find some work in some of the seedier contests, there have been offers to let me judge or be a color commentator, but the glory... Oh, all the glory... sigh, it was a great ride...
Funny, I was thinking about it the other day on the bus. There wasn't anyplace to sit so I was standing there towards the front and kinda wiggled my ass to see if there was any shake left and there was nothing. I could tell that there were some people that were still mesmerized by my ass and the urge to perform was strong and I felt I had to give them something, you know, so I tried to flex my butt, but again, nothing happened. Butt is too tight, can't make it any tighter, I got nothing to give. I gave up and heard a couple people sigh, I think they could sense that my time had passed...
So last night was bitter sweet. I wanted to talk to them, tell them to enjoy it while they could, don't end up like me, a washed up has been... Instead I just sat back and appreciated the joy in their young faces... let them have their fun...
I was thinking about opening a school or tutor service, those who can do, teach, eh? Maybe I can help someone make it. Give them my secret butt oil formula, keep them from going to the dark side of the booty shaking circuit, be a mentor... It would probably be too painful...
My wife is so cute about the whole thing. She tries to prop me up a bit when I am feeling down, tells me I still got that wiggle. I know it isn't true but I appreciate her saying it. I can see it in her eyes sometimes, when she slaps my ass like she used to, tries to make it jiggle. I can tell it hurts, slapping a tight ass like that. She tries, though, god bless her heart. And she still loves me.

They made it into a movie, I'm so embarrassed

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Trying to get back in the "groove"...

I know I haven't had a lot to say lately... it feels like there is a lot that I would LIKE to say, you dig, but everytime I sit down and start actually thinking about it I get a headache...
Like the other day, I was all up into this post about shaving my nuts and using one of those Gillete Mach XXIV razors with the battery in it and the sandalwood soap, and it was probably going to be pretty good and you all would have insight NOT ONLY into HOW to shave your nuts, but why you might want to do so in the first place (think slippery when wet)...
But then I got distracted and started looking it over and tried to edit it and it all fell apart...
Then I had this bright idea where I would describe the jobs I have had in the past, but, really now, if I sat down and YOU started telling me about all your jobs I would totally glaze over and you would get all mad and our friendship would be, uh, whats the word I am looking for, fractured perhaps... yeah... some friend, huh...
Oh, then I had this idea where I would take pictures of different places where I have pelt on my body and let you guess where they were (the places) and stuff... then you could click on the picture and see where it actually was, like my knuckles or buttcrack or something... but that would take SOOO much effort and editing and then, again, although my pelt is of the highest quality and you would get all titilated and stuff there is always the chance that someone out there is "anti-fur" and doesn't dig guys with soft luxurious pelts but then I don't dig those types of people anyway, right, and then our friendship would again be strained because really, there are things between us that are not conducive to digging each other...
So where does that leave me??? Shit, I don't know... Posting videos and shit, I guess. Commenting on other peoples blogs, I suppose.
Wait, what's this? Damn, I am paranoid... dude that sits next to me, no, not him, dude on the other side... he is having a meeting with the Boss in one of the little glass rooms for some reason... and I don't know why... but I fear they are talking about me in a negative manner for no reason in particular.
That is how I roll, I guess. Center of the universe and all that crap... why can't the core of the universe be happy and secure. A tasty center, like one of those candies that are all hard on the outside but then, after you have sucked on them for a good long time all of a sudden the hard exterior breaks or pops or something, and you get some smooth goodness all gushing into your mouth... That is what I want for ya'll, to be all hard and tough and stuff, you know, and eventually erupt in your mouth in a bright shiny moment of joy... My happiness and joy would then be yours for the taking (swallowing, I guess, if I were to continue with the whole candy in your mouth thing)... but no, instead I am maybe all sweet and hard on the outside and then bitter and, uh... uh..
HEY, this all sounds like a blowjob or something... WTF?!? That's funny!!! Heh, here I am all telling you I want you to suck on me and stuff... damn, that's too much... funny how things get all twisted, eh...

Who wants to see my pelt???

Feelin' sexy and thought ya'll might like to see a little of the magic, so here is a picture of my man beaver... click on the picture for the FULL PACKAGE if you know what I mean... Heh, pubes....

I love my old lady

Ahh,
You know, my wife is the greatest woman in the world. Sorry all you other ladies out there, you all come in a distant second. Hope that doesn't hurt.
Let me tell you, she got this new swimsuit last week, you know, to wear down at the pool with the girls, and I was coming home from work the other day and I figured they would be down there, so I stopped by on my way home... I was up where I could look down on the pool from above and first I saw the girls splashing around and then I looked over and there was my old lady all layed out gettin some sun and let me tell you she looked HAWT!!! For real. I stared at her butt and thought how lucky I was that I was able to check out the lady I have been with for the last 12 plus years and still admire her fine tush...
And Dude, Saturday we went to Value Village 'cause she had to find herself a spring formal type dress for their concert. She was pokin' around and found this dress, you know, and I didn't think much of it. It is kinda slate or seafoam or something, I don't know... and it cost $20 so I was all good with it, but really, I didn't think much of it, randomly thought that it was just going to be a dress... but man, we got home and she was all like: Who wants to see me in my dress? and the girls all shouted. So she went and put it on and when then she came out... First I saw her face and she was all glowing and proud, then I checked her out and it was like BAM!!! Whoaaa... Hot hot hot... It fit her sooooo well... I tell you, I got all fluttery... tingly... It was one of those dresses that dudes look at and first they think, damn, she looks hot, then they think, damn, that dress would look great crumpled on the floor... I can't wait to see her in it again...
So yeah, my wife is a looker and I feel like I got really lucky in that way... but you know what??? She is so much more than that... she puts up with what I consider a lot of crap from me. See, I can be pretty mental at times. I know, I know, hard to believe, but it is true. I tend to imagine things, in my head, that have very little basis in reality. Want an example? Ok, so I was outside the other night, enjoying the night, and I thought how it would suck if I got locked out, and I would have to go and knock on the window and damn I would be pissed if I was in the bedroom and some dude came knocking on the window for my wife, and HEY, I remember this time that I knocked on my friends door when I was like 10 and his mom answered and I got all flustered for some reason and asked if my friend could play and how stupid that was cause I was 10 and you don't ask if people can play when you are 10 and oh yeah, I remember walking into their house once because I forgot to knock and they were eating dinner and I was all embarrassed and left and I hope I don't get locked out because then my wife would think I was the biggest dork in the world.
Yeah, that thought process took about 10 seconds... and sometimes it gets really funky... and you know, she just kinda flows with it. She actually tells me it is cute and flavorful. She has oodles of patience and charm and a crapload of skill. She can cook like a mf'er, plays the piano like an angel, she sings in the shower, she takes care of business at church and school, she is probably gonna get a full ride at some college to be named later, she smiles at me, she is a fantastic mother, she is soft and strong and has a great butt... did I mention she has a great butt??? She pays the bills... uhh, dude, I could sit here all day and tell you about the way she used to turn her head and smile at me, or the way she would watch my mouth move when I talked... or the time I was taking a shower with her mom and her dad joined us... but it would not do justice...
I think that I am lucky that after all this time, 2 kids, trips to North Dakota, and all that stuff, that I still get a charge from my wife walking into the room... That I still want to check her out when she is walking up stairs in front of me... and I still find a reason to poke my head into the bathroom when she is in the shower just so I can try and get a peek... I love her super duper...
Oh, and I didn't do anything stupid that is making me say these things to try and make it up to her, I just find her fantastic...
And this is much better than the post I was going to make about how I shave my nuts every Saturday, just to keep them smooth... yeah...