The Doctor is in the house...
Based on the misc different pains and sufferings I have been experiencing lately I decided to go to the Google clinic and self diagnose myself. Boy am I sick...
Todays symptoms or complaints include: brain fog, sore jaw, grinding my teeth at night, sore upper back, fatigue, and perhaps others, not sure until I search for them, you dig.
So, based upon my symptoms I have diagnosed myself (in order of severity) with the following maladies:
1) Fibromyalgia
I am sure this is the one as I have experienced many of the symptoms throughout my life. Although, out of all the people affected by this only 1 in 9 are boys, I, of course, am special and 1 in 9 ain't nearly enough odds to exclude me.
2) Temporomandibular Joint Disorder or TMJ
This one doesn't really do it for me, seems to involve dentists and most likely is being caused by my big #3.
3) Bruxism
Most likely this is actually Sleep Bruxism as I appear to be grinding my teeth at night, to such an extent as it my lovely wife has become aware of it.
Based on my extensive research I am going to have to go with door #1.
I may have to go with a second opinion on this since I think I heard somewhere that a doctor that diagnosis' himself has a fool for a patient... but most likely, when or if I actually went to a doctor I would be just fine.
****
Beyond being on the verge of deaths door once again, let me tell you this:
Somehow my tub is dirty again, even though I scrubbed it last week. Not sure how this happened as the kind of dirty I am doesn't wash off (it rubs off, if you know what I mean).
It was great seeing some of you last night at the Noners party. Dude, I was watching these little girls dancing last night and I was all like, whoa... Where does an 8 year old get moves? 1 of them I am sure did not get them from her parents... What really got me was that I have no moves myself, beyond the running man... not since that accident...
See, I was in this contest, the great booty down of 2005... I was favored to win, all the money was on me since I was the reigning champion. I did all the warm ups I usually do, but I noticed something was wrong when I was oiling up my butt (everyone oils their butts in these contests, it is really a site to behold when the strobe lights are going off and bouncing rays off a glistening butt). I measured out the oil I was going to use and started rubbing it on but there seemed to be too much oil left over. I realized that all the squat thrusts and hill climbs I had been doing tightened up my butt a bit, but I didn't think it would be a problem, there should still be some jiggle left.
When it was my turn to get up there (I was going last) they hit my theme music, turned on the strobes and lasers and I ripped my pants off (down to my hammock). I started out slow with my erotic dance, the tempo of the music started to speed up, I spun around and thrust my butt out towards the crowd and started my shake. There was a big cheer, then it was oddly silent. I figured the crowd was in awe, but it stayed silent which is strange, normally there is all sorts of cheering and shouting going on, bouncers holding the ladies back from rushing my ass, you know, but this time, nothing. I took a quick glance over my shoulder and noticed the lights were glistening off of the tears in some of the ladies eyes and some of the fella's were all looking down like they couldn't stand to watch. I shook it a bit more and noticed there WEREN'T NO JIGGLE. I shook it harder. Still nothing. Apparently my butt was so tight that it was like shaking a brick at someone (instead of a bowl of jello). I shook it harder and harder... tried to cheat a little bit by throwing in some pelvic thrusts... and I think that was my downfall... see, I was thrusting and shaking it SOOO hard I broke something. I mean, true, some of the ladies couldn't take all the thrusting and tight ass rocking and passed out from hyperventilating, there's always that, but... but... its hard to talk about it... I can probably still find some work in some of the seedier contests, there have been offers to let me judge or be a color commentator, but the glory... Oh, all the glory... sigh, it was a great ride...
Funny, I was thinking about it the other day on the bus. There wasn't anyplace to sit so I was standing there towards the front and kinda wiggled my ass to see if there was any shake left and there was nothing. I could tell that there were some people that were still mesmerized by my ass and the urge to perform was strong and I felt I had to give them something, you know, so I tried to flex my butt, but again, nothing happened. Butt is too tight, can't make it any tighter, I got nothing to give. I gave up and heard a couple people sigh, I think they could sense that my time had passed...
So last night was bitter sweet. I wanted to talk to them, tell them to enjoy it while they could, don't end up like me, a washed up has been... Instead I just sat back and appreciated the joy in their young faces... let them have their fun...
I was thinking about opening a school or tutor service, those who can do, teach, eh? Maybe I can help someone make it. Give them my secret butt oil formula, keep them from going to the dark side of the booty shaking circuit, be a mentor... It would probably be too painful...
My wife is so cute about the whole thing. She tries to prop me up a bit when I am feeling down, tells me I still got that wiggle. I know it isn't true but I appreciate her saying it. I can see it in her eyes sometimes, when she slaps my ass like she used to, tries to make it jiggle. I can tell it hurts, slapping a tight ass like that. She tries, though, god bless her heart. And she still loves me.
Todays symptoms or complaints include: brain fog, sore jaw, grinding my teeth at night, sore upper back, fatigue, and perhaps others, not sure until I search for them, you dig.
So, based upon my symptoms I have diagnosed myself (in order of severity) with the following maladies:
1) Fibromyalgia
I am sure this is the one as I have experienced many of the symptoms throughout my life. Although, out of all the people affected by this only 1 in 9 are boys, I, of course, am special and 1 in 9 ain't nearly enough odds to exclude me.
2) Temporomandibular Joint Disorder or TMJ
This one doesn't really do it for me, seems to involve dentists and most likely is being caused by my big #3.
3) Bruxism
Most likely this is actually Sleep Bruxism as I appear to be grinding my teeth at night, to such an extent as it my lovely wife has become aware of it.
Based on my extensive research I am going to have to go with door #1.
I may have to go with a second opinion on this since I think I heard somewhere that a doctor that diagnosis' himself has a fool for a patient... but most likely, when or if I actually went to a doctor I would be just fine.
****
Beyond being on the verge of deaths door once again, let me tell you this:
Somehow my tub is dirty again, even though I scrubbed it last week. Not sure how this happened as the kind of dirty I am doesn't wash off (it rubs off, if you know what I mean).
It was great seeing some of you last night at the Noners party. Dude, I was watching these little girls dancing last night and I was all like, whoa... Where does an 8 year old get moves? 1 of them I am sure did not get them from her parents... What really got me was that I have no moves myself, beyond the running man... not since that accident...
See, I was in this contest, the great booty down of 2005... I was favored to win, all the money was on me since I was the reigning champion. I did all the warm ups I usually do, but I noticed something was wrong when I was oiling up my butt (everyone oils their butts in these contests, it is really a site to behold when the strobe lights are going off and bouncing rays off a glistening butt). I measured out the oil I was going to use and started rubbing it on but there seemed to be too much oil left over. I realized that all the squat thrusts and hill climbs I had been doing tightened up my butt a bit, but I didn't think it would be a problem, there should still be some jiggle left.
When it was my turn to get up there (I was going last) they hit my theme music, turned on the strobes and lasers and I ripped my pants off (down to my hammock). I started out slow with my erotic dance, the tempo of the music started to speed up, I spun around and thrust my butt out towards the crowd and started my shake. There was a big cheer, then it was oddly silent. I figured the crowd was in awe, but it stayed silent which is strange, normally there is all sorts of cheering and shouting going on, bouncers holding the ladies back from rushing my ass, you know, but this time, nothing. I took a quick glance over my shoulder and noticed the lights were glistening off of the tears in some of the ladies eyes and some of the fella's were all looking down like they couldn't stand to watch. I shook it a bit more and noticed there WEREN'T NO JIGGLE. I shook it harder. Still nothing. Apparently my butt was so tight that it was like shaking a brick at someone (instead of a bowl of jello). I shook it harder and harder... tried to cheat a little bit by throwing in some pelvic thrusts... and I think that was my downfall... see, I was thrusting and shaking it SOOO hard I broke something. I mean, true, some of the ladies couldn't take all the thrusting and tight ass rocking and passed out from hyperventilating, there's always that, but... but... its hard to talk about it... I can probably still find some work in some of the seedier contests, there have been offers to let me judge or be a color commentator, but the glory... Oh, all the glory... sigh, it was a great ride...
Funny, I was thinking about it the other day on the bus. There wasn't anyplace to sit so I was standing there towards the front and kinda wiggled my ass to see if there was any shake left and there was nothing. I could tell that there were some people that were still mesmerized by my ass and the urge to perform was strong and I felt I had to give them something, you know, so I tried to flex my butt, but again, nothing happened. Butt is too tight, can't make it any tighter, I got nothing to give. I gave up and heard a couple people sigh, I think they could sense that my time had passed...
So last night was bitter sweet. I wanted to talk to them, tell them to enjoy it while they could, don't end up like me, a washed up has been... Instead I just sat back and appreciated the joy in their young faces... let them have their fun...
I was thinking about opening a school or tutor service, those who can do, teach, eh? Maybe I can help someone make it. Give them my secret butt oil formula, keep them from going to the dark side of the booty shaking circuit, be a mentor... It would probably be too painful...
My wife is so cute about the whole thing. She tries to prop me up a bit when I am feeling down, tells me I still got that wiggle. I know it isn't true but I appreciate her saying it. I can see it in her eyes sometimes, when she slaps my ass like she used to, tries to make it jiggle. I can tell it hurts, slapping a tight ass like that. She tries, though, god bless her heart. And she still loves me.
posted by Catfish at 10:32 AM
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