My History with Jesus
Ok, since Jesus seems to be all the rave lately I figured I would document my relationship with Jesus....
First Memory (at the moment): I remember going to Michigan when I was little, not sure how old I was, but I remember having to go to church and not really knowing what for. I know that the benches were hella hard and the dude in front seemed to talk on and on about something or other... not sure what though... Then I went to Sunday school and we were outside and this nest fell out of a tree and this little blue egg broke open and there was a little dead bird inside. I was quite unhappy about this, but mostly because everyone else was really bent, although, deep inside, I was amazed that little birds grew like this... Anyhow, we went in to Sunday School and we sat down and the teacher was talking about some stuff and then we had to do a project. This project involved sitting down and writing out a prayer to Jesus. I just sat there. I had no idea what to write. The teacher came over and asked what the problem was and I said I didn't know what to say, and she told me I sure DID know what to say, just write a prayer. I told her I didn't know how to write a prayer and she reiterated that it was easy as pie and to go ahead and just write a goddamn prayer already. She probably didn't say goddamn, but I started crying because I didn't know how a prayer went. Strike 1 against Jesus.
Second Memory (at the moment): I remember many nights when I was a bit older than before, where I would cry myself to sleep on my huge pillow because I was so sad and lonely and "husky" and everyone hated me and I hated myself and please help me Jesus, please help me... I would pray that Jesus would make it all better, make me less "husky" or less ugly or at least make it so I could Fly (for real). And nothing would happen. I would make some bargains with the "man", you dig, where I would be good or stop touching myself or something, you know, just to get his attention. Bartering didn't seem to get me anywhere, but it was probably because I couldn't stop touching myself. I love boners!!!
Strike 2 against Jesus.
Third Memory (at the moment): I remember when I was yet older, and I was hanging with my friend at the lake and we were drinking beer and smoking and there were these dudes down there and they started talking to us and they asked us if we had accepted Jesus as our personal lord and saviour. I said No. My buddy hadn't either. So these guys started talking a lot about how cool it was and how smoking and drinking was bad and Jesus was good and he could make everything all better and they asked us to pray with them and we could start talking in tongues if the spirit moved us and so we all got in a circle and they started praying and gibber-jabbering away and I tried, I really tried, but nothing happened and they asked us if we wanted to be baptised and I told them I never had been and didn't want to now, but my friend said sure (he was looking for something meaningful) so they took him out into the lake and dunked him under a couple times and asked him if he accepted Jesus as his personal saviour now and he said Yes. I don't think it lasted too long, I seem to recall him being a real bastard and trouble maker even after that. I think he might be in jail now. Strike 3 Jesus!!!
Fourth Memory of Jesus (at the moment): So I was even older, and me and my friends were hanging out with these hippies that we had met somewhere. They had moved out from Colorado and they were hella burned out. Total freaks, really. But they would buy us beer and my friends would get stoned with them and it gave us some place to hang out. Anyhow, they met this other dude that was a trust fund brat who had some cash and drugs and was just out of rehab or something, so we went over to his room (they were all living in this hole in the wall motel) and we met this dude. He looked familiar. He went into the bathroom and came out and he had this belt tied around his arm and a needle sticking out of his arm and he was trying to force some cocaine up into his vein. He came over to me and asked me to loosen the belt and so I did. I had never seen shit like this before in my life. So I took the belt off and he finished injecting the cocaine and he looked very happy. I said to him, you know, you look just like those pictures of Jesus. And he replied that maybe he was and maybe he wasn't, who was to say. Which I took to mean that he was neither confirming nor denying that he might be and noone really could say he was or wasn't. It made perfect sense. Dude, and he was barefoot and he went out and was supposed to get us some beer at the store but he disappeared for a couple hours and when he came back he DID have the beer but it was warm or something. Another Strike against Jesus.
Then, lastly, I went out to lunch last week and we went to Quiznos, you dig, and I been reading that Jesus loves Quiznos so I was looking at everyone that came in, you know, in case it was him or something. It was really weird, looking for Jesus in Quiznos. Then this dude came in that I thought just maybe was him. But, you know, last time I asked someone if they were Jesus it didn't go really swell or something, so I didn't want to ask. So I thought I would make sounds like Lambs gamboling in a field or something, you know, Baahhhh... but, before I did, I figured that, you know what, if you go around making sounds like that in Quiznos you will most likely get everyones attention, so it wouldn't be a real good test. So I just sat there and ate my sandwich.
I am sure there were other moments in my life where I tried to have a relationship with Jesus, but you know, it just never happened. And I am fine with that.
First Memory (at the moment): I remember going to Michigan when I was little, not sure how old I was, but I remember having to go to church and not really knowing what for. I know that the benches were hella hard and the dude in front seemed to talk on and on about something or other... not sure what though... Then I went to Sunday school and we were outside and this nest fell out of a tree and this little blue egg broke open and there was a little dead bird inside. I was quite unhappy about this, but mostly because everyone else was really bent, although, deep inside, I was amazed that little birds grew like this... Anyhow, we went in to Sunday School and we sat down and the teacher was talking about some stuff and then we had to do a project. This project involved sitting down and writing out a prayer to Jesus. I just sat there. I had no idea what to write. The teacher came over and asked what the problem was and I said I didn't know what to say, and she told me I sure DID know what to say, just write a prayer. I told her I didn't know how to write a prayer and she reiterated that it was easy as pie and to go ahead and just write a goddamn prayer already. She probably didn't say goddamn, but I started crying because I didn't know how a prayer went. Strike 1 against Jesus.
Second Memory (at the moment): I remember many nights when I was a bit older than before, where I would cry myself to sleep on my huge pillow because I was so sad and lonely and "husky" and everyone hated me and I hated myself and please help me Jesus, please help me... I would pray that Jesus would make it all better, make me less "husky" or less ugly or at least make it so I could Fly (for real). And nothing would happen. I would make some bargains with the "man", you dig, where I would be good or stop touching myself or something, you know, just to get his attention. Bartering didn't seem to get me anywhere, but it was probably because I couldn't stop touching myself. I love boners!!!
Strike 2 against Jesus.
Third Memory (at the moment): I remember when I was yet older, and I was hanging with my friend at the lake and we were drinking beer and smoking and there were these dudes down there and they started talking to us and they asked us if we had accepted Jesus as our personal lord and saviour. I said No. My buddy hadn't either. So these guys started talking a lot about how cool it was and how smoking and drinking was bad and Jesus was good and he could make everything all better and they asked us to pray with them and we could start talking in tongues if the spirit moved us and so we all got in a circle and they started praying and gibber-jabbering away and I tried, I really tried, but nothing happened and they asked us if we wanted to be baptised and I told them I never had been and didn't want to now, but my friend said sure (he was looking for something meaningful) so they took him out into the lake and dunked him under a couple times and asked him if he accepted Jesus as his personal saviour now and he said Yes. I don't think it lasted too long, I seem to recall him being a real bastard and trouble maker even after that. I think he might be in jail now. Strike 3 Jesus!!!
Fourth Memory of Jesus (at the moment): So I was even older, and me and my friends were hanging out with these hippies that we had met somewhere. They had moved out from Colorado and they were hella burned out. Total freaks, really. But they would buy us beer and my friends would get stoned with them and it gave us some place to hang out. Anyhow, they met this other dude that was a trust fund brat who had some cash and drugs and was just out of rehab or something, so we went over to his room (they were all living in this hole in the wall motel) and we met this dude. He looked familiar. He went into the bathroom and came out and he had this belt tied around his arm and a needle sticking out of his arm and he was trying to force some cocaine up into his vein. He came over to me and asked me to loosen the belt and so I did. I had never seen shit like this before in my life. So I took the belt off and he finished injecting the cocaine and he looked very happy. I said to him, you know, you look just like those pictures of Jesus. And he replied that maybe he was and maybe he wasn't, who was to say. Which I took to mean that he was neither confirming nor denying that he might be and noone really could say he was or wasn't. It made perfect sense. Dude, and he was barefoot and he went out and was supposed to get us some beer at the store but he disappeared for a couple hours and when he came back he DID have the beer but it was warm or something. Another Strike against Jesus.
Then, lastly, I went out to lunch last week and we went to Quiznos, you dig, and I been reading that Jesus loves Quiznos so I was looking at everyone that came in, you know, in case it was him or something. It was really weird, looking for Jesus in Quiznos. Then this dude came in that I thought just maybe was him. But, you know, last time I asked someone if they were Jesus it didn't go really swell or something, so I didn't want to ask. So I thought I would make sounds like Lambs gamboling in a field or something, you know, Baahhhh... but, before I did, I figured that, you know what, if you go around making sounds like that in Quiznos you will most likely get everyones attention, so it wouldn't be a real good test. So I just sat there and ate my sandwich.
I am sure there were other moments in my life where I tried to have a relationship with Jesus, but you know, it just never happened. And I am fine with that.
Labels: jesus
posted by Catfish at 3:06 PM
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