Random crap brought about because my birthday is tomorrow and I was being instrospective

I was born in Redmond at Overlake hospital, May 11th, 1968. It was a Saturday, the moon was this close (--) to being full. I was not born on mothers day as I have often claimed.
I was huge, or my mom was tiny... I was killing her. She weighed something like 98lbs by the time I was born. I was sucking the life right out of her. They had to cut me out of her... happens all the time, I suppose.
I was, coincidentally born 6 months after my parents got married... but I was full term... hmmnnn... My theories on this are multifold, mostly focusing on how the ladies can't resist the men in my family, even if they really should... well, except for me, noone should resist me...
Somehow, the details are fuzzy, but I may have been pigeon toed or something when I was little, because apparently my parents used to put me in this harness to straighten my legs while I slept. I don't remember this but have been told it was true...
Believe it or not, I had a speech impediment when I was young... Somehow I ended up going to a "special" school for first grade or kindergarten (again, kinda fuzzy) called "Ashwood"... I remember is was "Ashwood" because the little bastards in my neighborhood that used to torment me would ask me, over and over, to say the name of the school I went to, and I would say "Asswood"... I couldn't say Shhh back then or something... I think this is why I mumble today...
I used to sneak into the laundry rooms at our apartments with this little mexican girl and we would hide in the closet and take off our clothes and "show" each other our bits... I remember her name was Maria...
I played baseball, but was always getting hit by the ball so I didn't want to play anymore...
I had trouble telling my D's from my B's (lowercase) and once wrote this story about how I rode my bike into a "dush"... my mom thinks this is friggin' hilarious...
We moved to the westside in 1976... I was husky and the kids were always making fun of me, for being husky and not taking criticism well, actually... I read a lot and didn't have any girlfriends...
In 7th grade I grew 3 inches taller, but only gained half a pound... I was akward and this dude hit me on the bus one day, he was a bad kid... When I got off the bus I turned and flipped them off... I can still see it, it was like they were popcorn in a popcorn popper when I did that, all the agitation and shit... damn...
They were out to get me... there was like 4 of them and they would push me around at school and tell me they were going to beat the crap out of me after school... I stopped taking the bus and started riding my bike, but then they would flatten my tires at school so I started running home from school... I would bust a move out the door when the bell rang and you know what?!? I got so fast I would beat the bus home... So I joined track... I was pretty fast at mid distances, not fast enough to sprint, but consistant enough to run the 400... but I hated all the work involved and somewhere in there I started smoking, probably 9th grade... I was big enough by this time and the bad kids had moved on to highschool so noone fucked with me anymore... I was one of the bad kids, although I was not really bad... but I hung out with the bad kids... they did bad things... I kept them out of trouble... when I was not around they would get into all sorts of trouble, when I was around they didn't... hmmmnnn... My mom still wags her finger at me when she talks of these days and my trouble maker friends...
I hated highschool... it was way too slow and I did not like the popular kids, or the jocks, so I hung out with the stoners and the nerds... Funny, I didn't consider myself one of them, just needed someplace to go...
By the time I was a senior I had fulfilled all but 1 of my graduation requirements, so my last semester of school I had 3 PE classes, study hall, early dismisall and English... I needed english to graduate... I remember kicking some serious ass at Volleyball and lifting the most in the clean and jerk or whatever it was called...
Somewhere in there I had sex with a girl, an actual girl... in the back of my parents truck while it was loaded with all these garbage bags full of leaves... it wasn't that great, but I did it... I remember my pants getting all wet because the bags of leaves were leaking and being very distracted by it...
I got my first car, a '74 Mustang II sometime in there... bought it for $700... I remember searching and searching for a car and finally we went to this carlot, me and the rest of the family, and I remember my dad asking the salesman where the $700 cars were and the dude pointed towards the back and there it was, like a beacon... it was a Mustang, Yeah!!! I miss that car...
I got out of school, told myself and everyone else that I had no plans on going to college, that it was a waste of time, etc... so I washed dishes, and sold auto parts and loaded cargo planes and finally figured out that I hated manual labor and the people that do it... Oh, somewhere in there I threw freight at a couple grocery stores, and hated it...
I moved out with a friend of mine, that lasted for about 4 days before the old bastards that owned the place told us to get out and gave us our money back... it sucked, I had been working the whole time so missed all the fun stuff...
I tried moving to California to hook up with a friend off mine, he said he could hook me up with a job making $21 an hour doing some sort of government construction projects... I packed up all my stuff and took an envelope full of money down and by the time I got there my friend had been fired... so we went to Vegas for a couple days, then went to Barstow, then went to San Diego, then back to Vegas... We met these girls from Sweden that needed a lift to San Francisco... they were hot so we drove them to San Francisco... they told us many times how ignorant American men were and how they missed these boys they had met somewhere and basically they were bitches and wanted to NOT have sex with me, so when we got to Frisco I unloaded their shit and left them (and my friend, he had his car by then) and drove home alone... talk about a long shameful drive... Damn...
So I worked, met a girl, went to school, broke up with girl, met a different girl, kept going to school, met another girl who took my breath away (and still does), broke up with girl, was a very bad waiter at the Olive Garden, waited and waited ffor the breathtaking girl to show up, she showed up and I fell in love with her and wrote bad poetry, hoping she would read between the lines and love me back... I think I just confused her... but I was slick and gave her a breathmint one night and ate one myself and said something about how our lips were so close, and we kissed and kissed and kissed and so on... WOW!!! for real...
My heart still beats a joyful pitter patter when I think of that...
We decided we loved each other and there was some random crap to deal with involving, well, random crap, I suppose... She moved in with me with her moms blessing, we moved to Seattle, and had crappy jobs... We got married and drove around for a week, nearly froze to death camping in the mountains...
We moved to Kent... We moved to Bothell... We moved back to Kent... We made babies... We went to North Dakota a couple times... Uhh, I am sure some other stuff, really important stuff, happened in there...
I am sure that I left out some painful memories... like the time I fell down at Disneyland and flipped off one of the chipmunks (got 7 stitches in my chin), or the time my apendix almost burst but everyone thought I was just hung over and the doctor says it almost burst and it was the easiest apendectomy he ever done. It was very painful and the dr. in the ER had to stick his finger up my butt for some reason (I think he was a doctor) but they gave me 100mg of Demerol right into my butt also, so it wasn't all bad... Oh, and the time I had a 3000lb pallet of Autoparts fall on the tip of my finger and I had to go to the hospital to have surgery... they took skin from the side of my hand and my general butt area to rebuild the tip of my finger and the nurse held my hand during the whole operation and I was in a cast for a month so I learned to play darts left handed...
Yeah, there are a lot of things I left out... things about ladies and drinking and drugs and violence and death and all the other negative stuff...
Left out a bunch of happy stuff too... not that there is much point to any of this... but when I think about it, if I think long and hard, I am pleased and happy and suprised and totally loving my beautiful wife and lovely daughters... I would go through all of it all over again if it meant that I could be with my old lady still or again...
Oh, and tomorrow is my birthday, so I guess there is a tie in there somewhere... go figure...