Confessions

Rob Halford with Black Sabbath - Sweet Leaf

So, remember about a year ago, when I "quit" smoking? Yeah, that lasted about 4 or 5 months... Then I was all sneaky deaky smoking again... not a lot, less than before, but still, I guess you either ARE or AREN'T smoking...
Now, listen, smoking is kinda romantic... I know, I know, most of you are gonna flip out at that, but, dig this, it is... at least to me... There is just something about it...
There is the ritual, of buying a new pack and slapping it against the palm of my hand to get the tobacco nice and tight... ripping the cellophane off, taking that little foil deal off and pulling a fresh smoke out of the pack, lighting it like a pro... that first puff you take to make sure the cigarette is good and lit... then just chilling out, kicking back, no task at hand or urgent something or other than you are in the midst of. It is a true break... the only expectation is that you are going to sit there for about 10 minutes not doing shit but smoking... It is totally relaxing and, at the end, there is nothing to show for it except being done and a nice buzz... yeah...
They are always there for you, except when they ain't, at which point there is some separation anxiety... even if you just got done having a smoke, but it was your last one, there is a sense of separation, like your lover is out of town... at this point you have to make arrangements to get some more, one more pack, but you usually have to make it worthwhile, you know, so it doesn't appear you are being a stalker... there must be SOME other reason to be going to the store... maybe you need gas in your car, or some gum, or something, you know: Hey, I was just in the neighborhood and thought I would swing by and see how you are doing, my darling tobacco...
But ultimately you are really just getting another pack...
Time, time becomes dictated by how many smokes it takes to do something, or how you can arrange time so that you can fit a smoke it... You know how long it is going to take you to smoke so you arrange your pace around it... Like I know it takes 2 smokes to drive from my home to my old job, it takes more than a smoke to walk from the bus stop to my house, 1 to the store, 1 smoke to for my bowl noodle to cook...
That first one in the morning, oh lawdy... my coffee cannot brew fast enough to get me out on the porch for that first one... and there is nothing like sitting there in the early morning dew, having that first smoke and drinking my coffee... Whew... it is like your lover reaching out to you and and pulling you in... ahh, baby...
Lots of people say the same things over and over, though... about how it is gross, it smells, it makes you teeth yellow, it is dirty, blah blah blah... but you know, I love the smell of tobacco burning in the wind... the taste as it mingles with coffee, or a beer or something... the buzz... all that shit...
But... you know what... I quit again... a little over a month ago... I wouldn't have, but my lovely wife told me we should, and so I did...
But NOW, you know what... I have been slapping a patch on my arm every morning, Step 2... and let me tell you... YEAH!!! Man oh man... I get out of the shower in the morning and peel that patch out of the wrapper and slap it on my arm and BAM!!! Well, not really BAM... it takes some time... about 10 minutes or so... about the time I get to the busstop I am starting to feel it... Wow, its FANTASTIC!!! Well, not at first, at first I feel a little queasy... A little sick to my tummy... but then it is all good... it takes me up that hill and keeps me there ALL FRIGGIN' DAY!!! it is like a big hug starting from the inside and wrapping itself around you...
Of course, if I forget to take it off at night I have the freakiest dreams... Can't even describe it... strange... There was this one, where I was a baseball player and I was throwing to first base (we were playing the Yankees) and I overthrew the first baseman and the right fielder didn't swing around to cover like they should so I went over and yelled at him about what he is supposed to do, and one of the Yankees came over and told me to chill out because it didn't really matter because we were going to lose anyway and I agreed... There was more to it than that, but it is kinda vague now...
Anyhow, I quit smoking again, although I keep thinking that a smoke would go good with one of these patches occasionally, just a little boost, you know... but it never goes any farther than that...