You can't handle the truth...
Now, most of the time I am a pretty understanding kinda dude, you know, I just sit here and mind my own business... when I am on the bus I make sure not to make any sustained eye contact or have any actual conversations with anyone, that would be rude... If someone has to cram their ass into a tiny spot on the seat next to me I make sure to scrunch up in the opposite direction from them, you know, so to avoid any prolonged ass to ass contact...
But sometimes, you know, you are just in one of those moods... one of those moods where the wrong thing happens at the wrong time and you just can't contain yourself...
Since my hands are registered with the FBI as weapons of mass destruction, and because of all my training as a top secret operative, I like to think that I am able to maintain myself better than most... it would be easy enough to give some wise ass a judo chop to the jaw, maybe a quick sharp shot to the eye socket or the touch of death or something, but I don't... don't want to draw attention to myself any more than I already do...
So, the other day, I was sitting on the bus, just minding my own business, and we had just about reached my stop... I started gathering my shit together when I suddenly felt this grinding on my toes... I looked down and the dude sitting next to me had decided to shift or something and ended up stepping on my Vans... not just stepping but grinding... I looked at him, tried to keep it soft, no need to give him nightmares... He looked at me and had the balls to say to me:
"Watch where you are putting your feet!"
He may have been kidding, he had kind of a smile on his face... or he may have been a complete asshole, maybe it was a smirk... fucker!!!
I almost made a fist, almost, but I know better than to make a fist unless I am fully prepared to use it... and I hadn't decided whether or not to kill him yet, which is odd as I usually make those decisions in a split second...
Then I realized his foot was still on top of mine. I looked down, he looked down, he was still smiling, and he slid his foot forward... actually slid it across mine... until his leg was fully stretched out into the aisle...
For one reason I had decided to let him live, so I grabbed my stuff and made my move to leave, but he had his leg out in the aisle so I had to kinda hitch around it... he was still smirking... so I headed down the stairs and I heard him chortle... WTF?!?! THE FUCKER ACTUALLY CHORTLED AT ME!!! HE WAS LAUGHING AT ME!!! NOBODY LAUGHS AT ME!!!
I stopped at the bottom of the stairs, the chortle ringing in my ears, and the bus pulled out... I looked down, looked at my shoe... it was scuffed... Aaargghh... I looked at my left hand (swift), then I looked at my right hand (justi)... They were fists... I put them together, thumb to thumb... SWIFTJUSTI is said (didn't have enough room for the "C" and the "E", but I knew it spelled out swiftjustice, and they had proved it more than once)...
I took off running after the bus, fists furiously pumping, but not in a good way... the bus had a good lead on me and I got stopped by a couple traffic lights, but there, up ahead, I saw it stop and the fucker got off the bus... He crossed the street in a crowd, he was moving at a pretty good pace... I followed him, was tracking him... I saw him go into a building, I saw the elevator lights blinking off the floors, he got off on the 8th floor... I couldn't wait for the next elevator so I ran up the stairs, all lickety split...
I busted out the door on the 8th floor and looked to the left and right... there were a couple ladies up there, they were staring at me... they could smell my rage and sweat and it excited them... they reached out for me but I slid past them in the most likely direction, through a glass door (literally, through it) and left the tinkling sound of shattered glass behind me... I saw him turn a corner... I ran after him... He walked into an office, I walked in behind him... Swift caught him from behind, right on the back of the head behind his ear... this spun him around... Justi caught him under the jaw and his head snapped back... I made the touch of death, but decided that would be too quick, so I changed to monkey claw and ripped his throat out... there was blood everywhere... the momentum had driven him back a few feet so I did flying judo kick to his stomach and sent him through the window and down 8 stories... I am pretty sure he was dead... HA!
I put swift and justi away and wiped my hands on my pants... I came down pretty quick, thought of unicorns or something soothing like that... I thought about going and finding them girls that were out in the lobby cause killing dudes always makes me horny, but I decided I should probably not... I felt calm but I might still be too amped up and would end up hurting them with my savage love... so I decided to go to work...
I was heading out the way I had come when I heard some sobbing coming from one of the offices... I looked in and saw this nice older man sitting there with his head in his hands, crying all alone... it was pitiful... so I stooped to see what the matter was, maybe he needed someone killed, and I was still kinda in a killing mood so, you know...
So I stopped to talk to him and he opened up the floodgates... cried and cried... I was starting to feel kinda disgusted with him when he finally got to the heart of the matter... he was having trouble pleasing his wife... he really loved her but she needed more than he was able to offer... but he was busy and could never really get into the groove, you know... and he had heard of things, like technique, but really just didn't understand... I was amazed...
It is one thing to use my killing skills to teach someone a lesson, but now I had the opportunity to use some of my softer skills... my LOVE skills... so I sat down and drew some pictures, kinda acted out some scenarios... had him do some visualization... then taught him the monkey technique and the airplane... told him about the helicopter but told him that it might be a little advanced so not to try it without stretching first... then I taught him the hedgehog... he was amazed!!!
He was also really really grateful... he told me that if this worked out he wanted to make it up to me somehow... I asked him if his wife was hot, and if so how about some pictures... he suggested no... but I gave him my number anyhow and told him to give me a call...
A couple days later he called, said it worked FANTASTIC and his wife had never been so satisfied (and sore)... "good for you!" I told him...
Then he made me an offer, offered me a job... a good job, in his office, with a 25% raise in pay, health insurance that would save me $800 a year, and 25,500 stock options for when his company goes public...
How could I refuse... I couldn't... I start on the 2nd...
So the secret is out... there you go...
But sometimes, you know, you are just in one of those moods... one of those moods where the wrong thing happens at the wrong time and you just can't contain yourself...
Since my hands are registered with the FBI as weapons of mass destruction, and because of all my training as a top secret operative, I like to think that I am able to maintain myself better than most... it would be easy enough to give some wise ass a judo chop to the jaw, maybe a quick sharp shot to the eye socket or the touch of death or something, but I don't... don't want to draw attention to myself any more than I already do...
So, the other day, I was sitting on the bus, just minding my own business, and we had just about reached my stop... I started gathering my shit together when I suddenly felt this grinding on my toes... I looked down and the dude sitting next to me had decided to shift or something and ended up stepping on my Vans... not just stepping but grinding... I looked at him, tried to keep it soft, no need to give him nightmares... He looked at me and had the balls to say to me:
"Watch where you are putting your feet!"
He may have been kidding, he had kind of a smile on his face... or he may have been a complete asshole, maybe it was a smirk... fucker!!!
I almost made a fist, almost, but I know better than to make a fist unless I am fully prepared to use it... and I hadn't decided whether or not to kill him yet, which is odd as I usually make those decisions in a split second...
Then I realized his foot was still on top of mine. I looked down, he looked down, he was still smiling, and he slid his foot forward... actually slid it across mine... until his leg was fully stretched out into the aisle...
For one reason I had decided to let him live, so I grabbed my stuff and made my move to leave, but he had his leg out in the aisle so I had to kinda hitch around it... he was still smirking... so I headed down the stairs and I heard him chortle... WTF?!?! THE FUCKER ACTUALLY CHORTLED AT ME!!! HE WAS LAUGHING AT ME!!! NOBODY LAUGHS AT ME!!!
I stopped at the bottom of the stairs, the chortle ringing in my ears, and the bus pulled out... I looked down, looked at my shoe... it was scuffed... Aaargghh... I looked at my left hand (swift), then I looked at my right hand (justi)... They were fists... I put them together, thumb to thumb... SWIFTJUSTI is said (didn't have enough room for the "C" and the "E", but I knew it spelled out swiftjustice, and they had proved it more than once)...
I took off running after the bus, fists furiously pumping, but not in a good way... the bus had a good lead on me and I got stopped by a couple traffic lights, but there, up ahead, I saw it stop and the fucker got off the bus... He crossed the street in a crowd, he was moving at a pretty good pace... I followed him, was tracking him... I saw him go into a building, I saw the elevator lights blinking off the floors, he got off on the 8th floor... I couldn't wait for the next elevator so I ran up the stairs, all lickety split...
I busted out the door on the 8th floor and looked to the left and right... there were a couple ladies up there, they were staring at me... they could smell my rage and sweat and it excited them... they reached out for me but I slid past them in the most likely direction, through a glass door (literally, through it) and left the tinkling sound of shattered glass behind me... I saw him turn a corner... I ran after him... He walked into an office, I walked in behind him... Swift caught him from behind, right on the back of the head behind his ear... this spun him around... Justi caught him under the jaw and his head snapped back... I made the touch of death, but decided that would be too quick, so I changed to monkey claw and ripped his throat out... there was blood everywhere... the momentum had driven him back a few feet so I did flying judo kick to his stomach and sent him through the window and down 8 stories... I am pretty sure he was dead... HA!
I put swift and justi away and wiped my hands on my pants... I came down pretty quick, thought of unicorns or something soothing like that... I thought about going and finding them girls that were out in the lobby cause killing dudes always makes me horny, but I decided I should probably not... I felt calm but I might still be too amped up and would end up hurting them with my savage love... so I decided to go to work...
I was heading out the way I had come when I heard some sobbing coming from one of the offices... I looked in and saw this nice older man sitting there with his head in his hands, crying all alone... it was pitiful... so I stooped to see what the matter was, maybe he needed someone killed, and I was still kinda in a killing mood so, you know...
So I stopped to talk to him and he opened up the floodgates... cried and cried... I was starting to feel kinda disgusted with him when he finally got to the heart of the matter... he was having trouble pleasing his wife... he really loved her but she needed more than he was able to offer... but he was busy and could never really get into the groove, you know... and he had heard of things, like technique, but really just didn't understand... I was amazed...
It is one thing to use my killing skills to teach someone a lesson, but now I had the opportunity to use some of my softer skills... my LOVE skills... so I sat down and drew some pictures, kinda acted out some scenarios... had him do some visualization... then taught him the monkey technique and the airplane... told him about the helicopter but told him that it might be a little advanced so not to try it without stretching first... then I taught him the hedgehog... he was amazed!!!
He was also really really grateful... he told me that if this worked out he wanted to make it up to me somehow... I asked him if his wife was hot, and if so how about some pictures... he suggested no... but I gave him my number anyhow and told him to give me a call...
A couple days later he called, said it worked FANTASTIC and his wife had never been so satisfied (and sore)... "good for you!" I told him...
Then he made me an offer, offered me a job... a good job, in his office, with a 25% raise in pay, health insurance that would save me $800 a year, and 25,500 stock options for when his company goes public...
How could I refuse... I couldn't... I start on the 2nd...
So the secret is out... there you go...
posted by Catfish at 10:16 AM
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