Everything depends upon how near you stand to me

And this was the reason I was getting so much action in High School... Anybody want a mustache ride? Yeah!!!

***
So my lovely wife will be out of town starting tomorrow and coming back next week... Ladies, listen, this is not an open invitation for some fantastic passionate booty calls... Boys too... Don't "happen to be in the neighborhood and thought I'd stop by" or show up wearing nothing more than a long coat, or maybe some sexy underwear with the stuff on it and those things... NO!!! I mean, just because the kids are going to be staying over at grandma's house doesn't make it a swinging bachelors pad... Don't be thinking you gonna be gettin all up in it... NO!!! My heart belongs to my old lady, yo... My package, too... So just leave me be... I don't want to have any akward conversations at the door where you try to force your way in and I have to get rough with you... maybe smack you around a bit... Or some bizarre catfights when a couple of you happen to be sharkin' around and run into each other and start fighting over who gets me first... 'cause neither of you do...
NO, I am just talkin' here, you know, just saying: Hey, my old lady is going to be out of town... I plan on eating pizza... I plan on digging some big hunk of meat out of the freazer and cooking it all day long, making it tasty and shit... I will probably do some cleaning and sit in silence for a while... cry myself to sleep and worry about all the bad things that could possibly happen... and you know what? I will probably get scared in the middle of the night, maybe because I heard a noise and I left my numchucks in the other room, or because there might be ghosts or something floating around and I don't have the covers pulled up high enough to protect myself from them...
I have been in this type of situation before, all on my own, although for short periods of time, and I seem to just kinda revert to some something something, uhh, something about absolute freedom and not knowing what to do with it... usually I just end up doing pushups and flexing in the mirror for hours on end... toughening up swift and justi on some wooden planks, you know, that kind of thing...
This time, though, this time, I don't know... I just don't know...
I could call some people up, but you know, I hate people... not ya'll of course, but everyone else... I could GO somewhere, DO something... like, uhhh, damn, why does Target pop into my head?!? Yes, that would be FANTASTIC... Go to the mall, get a coffee and sit and watch people go by... Damn... I am completely blank...
Suggestions??? Anyone???

****
It's the little things:
Dude, the thing about working with Sales Dudes is that they drink a lot of coffee. Then they go to the bathroom all the time... Dude, I just went into the bathroom and it was empty, stinky, but empty... so I decided to go for it, but as soon as I sat down there was a steady stream of people coming in... I counted 8 different dudes that came in, one at a time, just as one would get done and go wash their hands a new one would come in the door... after 8 I gave up and left, just left... couldn't focus.. yeah, another poop story... go figure...
Dude, another thing about working with sales people all friggin' day is that YOU GOTTA WORK WITH SALES PEOPLE ALL FRIGGIN' DAY... Picture Glengary Glenross all day long... or any number of other movies about sales... and it is just like that... it makes me uneasy at times... I don't understand their lingo... I just nod and smile...
Dude, the product I am working with is sooooo hardcore... it is so futuristic... it talks to me, it tells me to jump out the window... it told me yesterday to punch out the office manager... not really, I joke... but it does keep me occupied and I don't sleep through my day... it's cool... I have entered each of the shiny happy friends into it... just for kicks... except for the REDBEAR since he doesn't want to be friends anymore...

****
Today the bus was late, and there was extra heavy traffic on the freeway, and the driver we had, for the last 3 days, decides to turn on the busway instead of going down 4th ave, and there have been ALL THESE PEOPLE getting on at King Street, fresh off the train, I imagine, and I had to sit in the back of the bus and had to make small talk with this dude, oh, and when I was getting ON the bus I grabbed one of the poles that they have attached to some off the seats and the pole BROKE OFF IN MY HAND, well, not completely, it just came loose at the bottom and was jutting out into the aisle, I kept moving... Now I am scared to ride the bus back home tonight... Dammit, I expect my bus riding to be TOP NOTCH!!! Easily moving from one stop to another, noone talking to me, a sweet seat, and no blood on my hands when I get off... oh, and no smells, tired of smelling things on the bus... Oh, and no more bad poetry... and the driver shouldn't be hitting the breaks all the time... I SWEAR TO GAWD I WILL KILL SOMEONE TONIGHT IF MY DEMANDS ARE NOT MET!!! So there...