Me and my Monkey love my wife and hang with Jesus

Actually, and truthfully, I have always loved the woman that is my wife... I am sure I have told ya'll about this a couple times, but maybe I didn't have the time and didn't REALLY tell you about it.  Now I don't really think this part is insane, at least not in the greatest sense of the word...
Now, I will say, that I have this long standing belief, which I have mentioned to anyone who will listen, that I am severely retarded, and don't realize it.  It is like, how would you know, right?  Really, you are just living your life, in your own special way, and things in life happen that you take for granted, and in reality they are special assistance programs or something.  Like the things that you do that you struggle with, either physically or intellectually, are not really all that, nothing that a normal, non retarded person couldn't do without much struggle, except they get to go home and talk about the retard that they had to follow up behind and fix his shit and shit... and so you stumble through life and all it's difficulties, but they really aren't that bad, you just don't know any better.  Because you are mental, you know.  And you work with a bunch of retards (durrr) because, you know, they group you all together, so all these high tech jobs are not really all that high tech and there are actually smarter people behind the scenes that you don't see or recognize, that get all the real hard shit done, but they do it without any struggles...
Where was I going with this?  Uh, I have loved my wife since I first layed eyes on her... I think I was trying to break out back then.  I was barefoot (still am), had stopped wearing underwear, was wearing a flannel shirt/coat deal, baseball cap on backwards with the word LONO written on the brim... Uh, I was on campus at the local community college and didn't know what the fuck I was doing.  I was either in or had just gotten out of a relationship into a crappy relationship and didn't have a job and didn't really know why I was going to college except that I was hoping somewhere along the line something would just friggin' click and I would suddenly be an adult and not a retard or something...  Somewhere in there I had made friends with a band of misfits, and I was talking to one of them in class one day, and he had just shaved his head, but done a really crappy job, there was blood and stray bits of hair still sticking outta his head and it was kinda freaky and I was all trying to talk to him without discussing his head and somehow we discovered that we were both applying to this liberal arts college down the way, and Hey, there was this chick up in the bookstore that was too.  I should go say hi to her or something... I can't remember but do know it was his suggestion.  So I did, and there was this AWESOME chick behind the counter and she was everything I would ever want from a girl on a completely first glance kinda superficial way, you know, and I remember walking through the store killing time and checking her out and finally found something to buy without anyone else in line and I went up there and said Hi and told her I was applying to the same college and I knew this dude that knew her and she totally blew me off.
I probably looked like hell.  I have a history of that, throughout my life.  Never could really find a style or haircut or clothes that really did anything for me... I stick with faded jeans and white t-shirts where I can anymore.
Anyhow, I got her scent, you dig.  I could sense her around campus.  I would see her walking here and there, and being the cute little pitiful retard that I was, I would go in and say Hey to her every once in a while in the bookstore.  I had a girlfriend (so to speak) at the time and welcomed the time away from her and looked forward to having normal conversations with normal people, so I took my changes where I could.
I remember I had this one class, astronomy I believe, and I had a friend that was in the class and we would sit together, and this hot ass chick would come walking in and I was mesmerized and I would point out her beauty to this other dude, and he said something crude once and I was all like, HEY... don't talk about my future wife that way you dickhead.  I remember making my way up to where she usually sat so I could try and sit closer to her... I also remember having her in this first aid class and watching her due mouth to mouth on the resucitator doll and being completely hot and bothered by it.
I think by this time we were on a somewhat civil course, and I mentioned I would try to find her down at the other college... and then she was gone.
And I moved on down there, with my girlfriend, and met another chick at this restaurant that was much cooler than my girlfriend, but not as cool as my future wife, and I told her that she was my number 3, cause, you know, my future wife was my number one and I couldn't wait for her to get down there, but my current girlfriend was my number 2 since she was paying rent, so this other chick could be my number 3 and if all hell broke loose move on up to number one.  She seemed to enjoy this idea and would do things to try and move  up in the rankings, except she talked a LOT... I don't remember her name...
I do remember it was a long summer, and my girlfriend was driving me NUTS and I wanted her to die or at least go away... and I escaped one afternoon and was walking on campus and I remember thinking that she would be there any day, you know, and I wonder where she would be and damn, there were a bunch of cool hippie dudes down there that I would love to punch, but maybe that's what the girls go for down there... anyhow, I was walking across campus when all of a fucking sudden I heard someone calling my name and I looked up and there was my angel.  Holy Shit she looked good, and she was calling me up and was offering me a beer and she had short shorts on and she was awesome and beautiful and I wanted to fall into her arms and let her use her angelic wings to fly me to someplace happy and safe...  We had a beer and it was good.
We were friends based on not really knowing anyone down there and having the same class and I am not sure there was much more to it from her end than that, at first... but we hung out and I was sprung on her and started writing poetry that was about her and obviously not about my girlfriend, and I actually got advice of some sort from her and her roommates on how to dump my girlfriend, which I finally did, and I am not sure when it happened, I think it was a bit before I was officially broken up with my girlfriend that I was hanging out with my future lady, and we were having a good time talking and drinking and smoking and I gave her a mint and said something retarded about how our lips were so close, and we finally kissed... and I never looked back.  It was great, it was fantstic... it was the future.
My monkey was in full affect at that point, I think.  I had like 3 jobs at once, was half assing my way through classes and doing my own thing.  Somewhere in there we expressed love for one another and spent time getting high and playing nintendo.  Somewhere in there she tried to break up with me, and I don't really remember much about the reason, because I try not to think too hard about it, but I remember scrambling and coming up with some sort of something and she stuck with me.  We went home together, she met my friends, and I met her friends, we met each others parents and it seemed so sweet and real and cool, you know...
Shoot, I'm going somewhere with this... I think it was just so easy, beautiful.  We didn't really fight although maybe we should have.  We survived on the edge of poverty.  She exposed me to so many new things, it was like a whole new world opening up.  We were living together, of course, and her parents approved.  I loved her and asked her to marry me and she said yes.  We had a beautiful wedding, which we both agree we would do totally different if we could do it all over again.  We went on a honeymoon and settled into life.
All I ever wanted was to make her happy.  I thought it was my job to do so... Not that I had to suffer to do it, but I thought I had to do things so she wouldn't have to, that I would carry us so she wouldn't have to worry about it, and I supressed my monkey to do this.  It was not so obvious at first, but it became obvious as we went along...  I was not the same guy, and she was not the same girl, but I still loved her more than anything...  Then we had babies so obviously I had to be the rock... and she had to be the rock... and we were starting to go through the motions, you know.  We lost each other a bit, although we were always there for each other and presented a unified front.  But there was less effort.  I felt like there was something more I should be doing, but I was so tired, and often, so drunk...  Being drunk made it better, it was an outlet and all we really had, and it was fun at times... but not like it had been fun before.
I realize now that I felt like I was failing her somehow.  HOW???  I thought I was doing all the things that a grown up man with a wife and kids was supposed to do... and I was tired from doing it, and yet I felt there was something that I should be doing.  So I chose to be paranoid, and disgruntled (a bit) and internalized it, except when there was something really stupid to externalize it over... Bins or something... there were a few other things, I think.  It's all hazy.  I remember not feeling comfortable and going to the doctor and getting put on this drug then that drug then going crazy mental and stopping those drugs and going on some other drugs and then... and then... there was always that, hazing my mind, making it seem not so bad, but it was taking more and more to create that haze... Vodka and Vicodin... can really make life... interesting, I suppose.
Always in there, no matter what I was doing, and how crazy I was making myself, or disgruntled I was making myself from outside influences, I always maintained this bright burning fucking fire in my heart for her.  A big ole bonefire (heh, bonefire) of love and lust for her.  She has always been and continues to be the most beautiful woman I know and I look for happiness in her eyes and smile.  How's that for a heavy load to throw on someone.  How can anyone feel comfortable being worshipped that way.  I suppose it isn't really fair, but it was all I had, you know, and it was what I wanted, to some degree.  It was better than anything else in my life (excluding my kids).
This is the part where I feel like a retard, and we are both retarded, and we are taking care of each other as best we can...  I think it might be harder on her as I can't think of anything I really like to do, although I recognize (now) that I have often been a stick in the mud.  I imagine the normal people looking in on us and thinking that it is a little bit cute, but they would never live that way, but we're retards, so what do we know, you know...
I have been learning, lately, a lot about myself, and giving the monkey the key to the cage... I feel a bit disgruntled, a bit paranoid, a bit sorry to her and for myself... and mostly confused.
You know how you go through life, and you are always told 2 + 2 = 4?  And so you believe it for so long, and one day you are sitting there and someone tells you that 2 + 2 does not equal 4, never has, never will and why do you think it ever had?  And you have to believe them because there is nothing left to believe... but you can't forget how you always believed the answer was 4, and now that it isn't and never has been, what are you supposed to do?  What other equations don't compute?  What else have you been missing because you were so misguided?  What else does the world really mean?  How the fuck are you supposed to roll with that???
Ahhh... but it isn't really that big, is it?  It's just a little thing, a little something something that really doesn't mean a lot, right?  Just a turn of the head, a slight change in course.  The destination is the same, and maybe it's not all rainbows and unicorns, and the path is just to the left of where you thought it was, but you are still on the path together, right?  So what's the big deal?  What's the big deal?
That's what I keep asking myself... I am growing... Oh, my, how I am growing.  Like a lizard or snake or something, it is just the pain of shedding my old skin.  God, I can't wait to get rid of that old skin...
I been talking to Jesus about it.  For real.  And he talks back.  Part of me thinks this is a little crazy, but part of me wonders why I hadn't talked to him before.  I asked him about the Buddha... and he said that the Buddha is cool, and it is fine to find the light within yourself, but you know, sometimes you need a little love and maybe a nice hug.  Wow... and he said that thing about looking for demons around corners, and inventing corners to look for demons around, and suggested that maybe the path I want to take shouldn't have any corners... I like that.
So Jesus, when I see him... Well, the first time I saw him, he was wearing board shorts and a button up shirt that wasn't buttoned all the way and didn't have a beard, and had nice hair.  We just sat and talked, and speaking with someone that doesn't believe, they might say that I was just talking to myself, but you know, I never made that much sense.  And I sat there, next to him, and he smiled at me and told me it was true, that he accepted me and loved me and sure, I might be a fuck up sometimes, but shit happens (he actually said that) and he still loves me and it's all cool, just be there and feel the love.  I am getting there.
I call him Dude, and he is cool with it.  Sometimes I call him Jebus, and he is fine with that... he thinks it's kinda funny.  He doesn't appreciate Metallica, but doesn't mind some good metal (I asked him).  He doesn't have a single favorite, it is all his favorite.
And sometimes I say, Jesus, what about this, or what about that, and he sometimes says, you know, that ain't your problem... and he says, I can help you with you, I can't help you with anything else.
We were talking in a clearing once, walking in circles and not talking because you don't always need to talk, sometimes you just need to be quiet.  Anyway we decided to build a fire, and so I started trying to figure out where to find some wood for a fire and he laughed, and he was all like, does it help you to try and imagine the details like that?  How about if I just start a fire, right here... or would you like to think about building a house and all the steps and issues that go along with building a house?  He was right, I was getting caught up in the details.  So he started a fire and we sat there and we drank a beer together, and he was drinking budweiser, and I was all like, budweiser, and he said he liked the can, thought it was cool, so he drank bud, no big deal...
I talked with him another time and he was wearing jeans and another shirt with buttons down the front that weren't all buttoned... I can't remember what we talked about completely, but we sat by the fire and he brought my wife up to sit next to me, and we just sat there in love and watching the fire and not talking...
Oh, there are other times, moments, where he will ask me if I am making the right decisions or getting off track and I will listen to him, and sometimes I decide he is right and stop what I am doing, and other times I don't, and he loves me just the same.  He recognizes that I have a howler monkey that I have dealings with, and he is cool with that too.  He wants me to be happy, to be free, and to be happy and free with other people, and as long as I don't do it like an asshole it will make others feel happy and free also... and that is what it is all about.  All about me, apparently.
It still makes me nervous, scared, anxious, paranoid, jealous... shoot, what are the other traits that people usually hate in other people?  Add those in there and put my face on it...

Maybe my monkey... and Jesus

I've been kinda letting my monkey dictate things lately. Oh, and I've been talking to Jesus. They don't seem to be that different from each other. Kinda like peanut butter and jelly, they just go together well, although you can have a jelly sandwich and be just fine, or a spoonfull of peanut butter and also be just fine. But in this case they work together well.
My monkey is telling me to play it all loosey goosey, but has pointed out a few things that I had been ignoring and are subsequently making my life a little flavorful. Flavorful. You know how you like soup, and could eat it every day? Clam Chowder? But then sometime you go someplace and get the clam chowder and it just don't taste right? It's kinda like that. I'm not sure I like the path, but I know it leads to paradise so I am climbing over the slippery slopes and trying to get there.
Jesus is pretty understanding of things. I heard this about him before but never took the initiative (or wanted to) to look into it. He told me once, he said, you know, we are always looking around corners for demons, and inventing corners to look around so we can find the demons. It's no wonder we end up finding 'em. Jesus, he don't talk fancy, just a regular dude. That's what I call him when we are talking, dude.
He is laying it at my feet, and my monkey is picking it up and running with it, so I just kinda go where I am pointed.
There is a bit of unhappiness involved with it, but it isn't a new unhappiness, just a newly recognized pre existing unhappiness. Whew... it coulda' really blown up in my face, you know. Postal. I am letting it out slowly, like letting air out of a balloon. There is a certain relief in it, a lessening of pressure and a realization that I am not really that crazy, just misguided. Damn customer service!

I took a test the other day that was supposed to tell my what type of person I am so I can be prepared to learn about emotional intelligence. I probably shouldn't focus on it, but one of the things it said about me was that I was dependable... and dull. Usually right, also, but really, dependable and dull. That is a winning combination. And I am supposed to learn how to relate to people knowing this about myself?!? That I am dull and dependable, dependable and dull?
Ok, let's focus on my shortcomings for a moment, shall we... ok...
I am:
Slow to get things done
Perfectionist (oh really?)
Withdrawn...
Dull
Sullen
Shy
Passive

And based on being the type of dude I would have typically picked on and given a mental dilema, I am supposed to now learn how to deal with people that are none of these things? Talk about coming up from the bottom... It makes me feel like drop kicking someone (that is probably the monkey speaking, though).
So, let's take a look at my strengths:
Exacting
Thorough (oh really?)
Factual (hardly)
Reserved
Meticulous (HAHAHAHHA)
Practical (Ok, I will give them that one)
Calm (only on the outside, inside I am a volcano, and not the kind surrounded by a stripper college and, uh, a beer volcano, ok, nevermind)
High Standards
Risk Avoider

So, the typical Fonzy type of guy that chicks just dig... I don't think, that based on this description, I could even be in The Revenge of the Nerds. Oh, but maybe I am making too much of this, it was just a test that was supposed to take about 10 minutes to take and I completed in less than 2. My monkey is full of RAGE at this. This is not the person I was always trying to convince people I was not for all those years. Oh, I mean, this is the person I was trying to convince people I was not for all those years. I am (was) a badass! Dirty! Mean! Nasty! Leather jacket and dirty sneakers, punk rock and pot. An almighty individual!!! Dammit!!! Not a dependable desk jockey! I had aspirations beyond this, what the hell happened? Oh... my god... have I accepted this??? Is this what I recognize myself to be? Can I move myself up the graph and be something more than this?

My monkey says yes? Yes, but it will be painful. You could lose your house, and your job, and something something that really matters. Ahhhh, the something something that seems to be slipping away from me, like a distant memory or a love that I don't really remember... something something... there should be something definable there, something to describe as a great loss in my life if I, uh, do something... If this, then that, subsequently... this... Do I really have something to lose?

So check it, if I lost it, lost it all, everything, all the something somethings, I know where I would end up, and you could find me there if you were willing to make the trip. Patagonia! Look it up. I would move to Patagonia, and as much as I would like to be a traveling barber, I think the better choice woule be to open a fish stand, somewhere just outside (right outside) the tourist district. Me and my monkey, hell, we would sell fresh american style deep fried fish and chips. Would probably have to use the fat of baby penguins since I ain't really sure they have pigs down there for the rendering. I hear duck fat is the best for fries... maybe they have ducks... penguins are like ducks, except for the flying and the migrating and shit. Me and my monkey, and Jesus, we would stand there, leaning up against the wooden plank we use to serve the fish on, drinking local beer or some sort of nasty high proof booze that is popular amongst the locals. I will wear one of those hats like the gauchos, some puffy pants and boots made out of baby penguins. I might have to learn some spanish or something, but you know, I can do that. Me and my monkey, and Jesus, would stand there, drinking all day and when someone actually came up to buy some fish and chips I would tell them that it was some sort of local fish that tasted a lot like halibut, but isn't, but tastes just the same anyhow and is a local delicacy, then get them all wasted on the local hooch and charge them some outrages sum of money since the exchange rate is all funky and a billion chilean Peso's is quite resonable for a meal for 2 plus some of my private reserve.
There will be a mighty fight of conscious going on behind me, with my monkey and Jesus duking it out like a little angel and devil on my shoulder, but you know what? I decided today, I am going to be a kind of Hank Williams (Sr.)/Johhny Cash/Willie Nelson kinda christian. Will do all sorts of things that I may regret later, then maybe write a song and go to church and make it all good. I will keep in the back of my mind that maybe what I am doing is not the best thing in the world to do, but I will feel bad about it later so it should all even out... the battle between monkey and Jebus will be a draw.

Or maybe I will go with my original plan and go to Nova Scotia. Wouldn't really have to learn a new language that way, and you know I got the salty sea in my blood. Actually my not so distant relatives were lumber men, but a ways back beyond that they were vikings. So I may just trace my roots back to where my people first came over and did nasty things to the locals, and do nasty things to the locals. Nah... I may just sit on the beach with a pipe and a rusty knife and carve pipes out of driftwood or something. Pile rocks on the beach and eat crab and mussels every day. Nasty life, should teach me some shit, you know.

Somethings gotta break...

I smell real good and my back is oily...

Hey, I'm on my new computer, look at me...
Ok, so you know how I was telling you that I was going to the spa with my team from work? Yeah? No?
Well, somehow before I showed up my team did something fantastic and they won something, I am not really sure how it came down, but all of a sudden my boss (X-Khan) tells us we are going to the spa and do we want a facial or a massage... Heh..
So, that was today. The plan was that we would leave at 11 and go the Purple, which is apparently a wine bar. There was a lot of wine there so I have to believe them. Anyway, me and the dude that sits next to me and this chick that sits across the way, we walked up there, took the long way around because we were idiots or something, but we got there ahead of all the people that drove, so there. Anyway, we get there and they tell us to go upstairs and into the back and so we did and there was the biggest friggin table I have ever seen up there and it was really cool. We all sat down and ordered wine and they brought appetizers (horse de overies) of that cheese wrapped in filo dough and baked (damn that stuff is good) and some pita bread that we were supposed to spread this dippin' stuff on... it was ok, except for the red dippin' sauce... I got to listen to many amusing conversations, but me and the dude that sits next to me (who was sitting next to me) just kinda sat there... he was being shy, I think, and I was just listening and plotting... and I think I was kinda nervous about the massage I was gonna be getting...
See, I had never gotten a massage before... You know, professionally... I was thinking about it, see, I had always told people that I needed to maintain a steady level of stress and was worried that I might lose my groove is someone fucked with that... Hell, I had a million excuses really, but to be honest (perhaps) I think it might have something to do with having some strange person touching me for money... running their oily fingers through my pelt, you know... some people don't dig the pelt for some reason... although, the ones that do enjoy the pelt are the best people in the world...
Anyhow, we walked and talked on the way down to the spa and the dude I was with was telling me about his last massage and how he was sitting around naked with this robe on and all these hot masseuse gals were walking around and they would come and get you and dry your feet because you had been soaking them in hot water and something, and he was all full of anticipation or something and all of a sudden this guy (Paul?) came for him and he ended up being naked and getting a massage from a dude... I thought about his story trying to figure where the problem was, then I figured he was a little something something about having been manhandled... hmmnn, I was not especially worried about some dude rubbing all over me... I don't think, I don't know, I just remember wondering about it...
Like, was I just supposed to strip down naked when I got there? Would we all be sitting around naked with robes and drinking champaign, me and my co-workers??? Oh, it went on and on...
Well, before I tell you that, let me tell you, Belltown is full of friggin' wasteoids... Holy Shit, I never seen so many people walking around stoned... I mean really really stoned... all slitty eyed and walkin' slow and definately high... it was wild...
This dude went up the the dirty hippie I work with and asked for change, right, and the dude I work with was all like, why the hell would I give you any change, you got money for cocaine, so why would I give you some change, and they dude was all like, whaaattt? and the dude I work with told him he had a white circle around his nostril from snortin something, and the dude was all like, oh yeah, shoot... and went walking away (wiping his nose)...
Anyhow, this is really getting long, so let me say, I drank champaign all swanky like out of a cup that looked like one of those old jam jars, I didn't get to see any of my co-workers naked, I didn't get naked myself, kept my man panties on (yeah, I wore panties today since I was concerned, you dig) and had one hell of a fantastic massage... only lasted half an hour, but I can definately see why people would do that...
Anyway, I was making some small talk with the gal that was rubbing me and I asked her if she gave massages because she loved people, and she said no. She did it because she could make more money working part time doing this than she could working full time doing something else...
Then I told her about the Jesus blog and tried to explain about what it was and stuff, but I don't think I did a good job. She asked if I meant the Jesus from the bible and I was like, yeah, but he is like a normal dude that just does things... and she was like, what? and I told her about the cape and giving high 5's and how he had a lamb named Karen and stuff, but there was just something missing, like I was insane or she was not amused, I don't know... but I did my part, you know, tried to spread the word... whoa... does this mean I have a relationship with Jesus now? hmmnnn...
Oh, and I think I might be sick... my throat hurts, but my lovely hawt wife says it might be from the massage... I think it is because the dude that sits next to me infected me because my throat was sore this morning and I feel all phlegmy.. flemmy... runny boogery down the throaty... damn...

My History with Jesus

Ok, since Jesus seems to be all the rave lately I figured I would document my relationship with Jesus....
First Memory (at the moment): I remember going to Michigan when I was little, not sure how old I was, but I remember having to go to church and not really knowing what for. I know that the benches were hella hard and the dude in front seemed to talk on and on about something or other... not sure what though... Then I went to Sunday school and we were outside and this nest fell out of a tree and this little blue egg broke open and there was a little dead bird inside. I was quite unhappy about this, but mostly because everyone else was really bent, although, deep inside, I was amazed that little birds grew like this... Anyhow, we went in to Sunday School and we sat down and the teacher was talking about some stuff and then we had to do a project. This project involved sitting down and writing out a prayer to Jesus. I just sat there. I had no idea what to write. The teacher came over and asked what the problem was and I said I didn't know what to say, and she told me I sure DID know what to say, just write a prayer. I told her I didn't know how to write a prayer and she reiterated that it was easy as pie and to go ahead and just write a goddamn prayer already. She probably didn't say goddamn, but I started crying because I didn't know how a prayer went. Strike 1 against Jesus.
Second Memory (at the moment): I remember many nights when I was a bit older than before, where I would cry myself to sleep on my huge pillow because I was so sad and lonely and "husky" and everyone hated me and I hated myself and please help me Jesus, please help me... I would pray that Jesus would make it all better, make me less "husky" or less ugly or at least make it so I could Fly (for real). And nothing would happen. I would make some bargains with the "man", you dig, where I would be good or stop touching myself or something, you know, just to get his attention. Bartering didn't seem to get me anywhere, but it was probably because I couldn't stop touching myself. I love boners!!!
Strike 2 against Jesus.
Third Memory (at the moment): I remember when I was yet older, and I was hanging with my friend at the lake and we were drinking beer and smoking and there were these dudes down there and they started talking to us and they asked us if we had accepted Jesus as our personal lord and saviour. I said No. My buddy hadn't either. So these guys started talking a lot about how cool it was and how smoking and drinking was bad and Jesus was good and he could make everything all better and they asked us to pray with them and we could start talking in tongues if the spirit moved us and so we all got in a circle and they started praying and gibber-jabbering away and I tried, I really tried, but nothing happened and they asked us if we wanted to be baptised and I told them I never had been and didn't want to now, but my friend said sure (he was looking for something meaningful) so they took him out into the lake and dunked him under a couple times and asked him if he accepted Jesus as his personal saviour now and he said Yes. I don't think it lasted too long, I seem to recall him being a real bastard and trouble maker even after that. I think he might be in jail now. Strike 3 Jesus!!!
Fourth Memory of Jesus (at the moment): So I was even older, and me and my friends were hanging out with these hippies that we had met somewhere. They had moved out from Colorado and they were hella burned out. Total freaks, really. But they would buy us beer and my friends would get stoned with them and it gave us some place to hang out. Anyhow, they met this other dude that was a trust fund brat who had some cash and drugs and was just out of rehab or something, so we went over to his room (they were all living in this hole in the wall motel) and we met this dude. He looked familiar. He went into the bathroom and came out and he had this belt tied around his arm and a needle sticking out of his arm and he was trying to force some cocaine up into his vein. He came over to me and asked me to loosen the belt and so I did. I had never seen shit like this before in my life. So I took the belt off and he finished injecting the cocaine and he looked very happy. I said to him, you know, you look just like those pictures of Jesus. And he replied that maybe he was and maybe he wasn't, who was to say. Which I took to mean that he was neither confirming nor denying that he might be and noone really could say he was or wasn't. It made perfect sense. Dude, and he was barefoot and he went out and was supposed to get us some beer at the store but he disappeared for a couple hours and when he came back he DID have the beer but it was warm or something. Another Strike against Jesus.
Then, lastly, I went out to lunch last week and we went to Quiznos, you dig, and I been reading that Jesus loves Quiznos so I was looking at everyone that came in, you know, in case it was him or something. It was really weird, looking for Jesus in Quiznos. Then this dude came in that I thought just maybe was him. But, you know, last time I asked someone if they were Jesus it didn't go really swell or something, so I didn't want to ask. So I thought I would make sounds like Lambs gamboling in a field or something, you know, Baahhhh... but, before I did, I figured that, you know what, if you go around making sounds like that in Quiznos you will most likely get everyones attention, so it wouldn't be a real good test. So I just sat there and ate my sandwich.
I am sure there were other moments in my life where I tried to have a relationship with Jesus, but you know, it just never happened. And I am fine with that.