I brazillian wax poetic, I don't beat around the bush...

Seeing as how it is the end of the year, and everyone who is anyone is coming up with plans for the next year, I figured I would spell out my plan... Since I AM SOMEBODY!!! I know it is true because I have it taped to the mirror in my bathroom... I have the O's in somebody cut out so when I read it I can see my eyes through them so it looks like I AM somebody (cause the eyes with the word make me look like the word... oh, you get it)...
OK, then:

1) Be more deliberate... I am not sure what that means, but I think it has something to do with being focused, less sitting back and waiting for things to happen AND I am choosing to believe that it means not putting up with as much shit... THAT, my friends, is a goal... In an interview it would go something like this:
Them: What are your goals for the coming year?
ME: My goal is not to put up with as much shit!
Them: That is the kind of attitude we are looking for, you are hired!!!
ME: Yea!!!

2) To be more Frugal... I am not really sure how that goes, but I think it has something to do with not stopping at the mini mart on the way to work all the time, not buying shit out of the vending machines, or eating BBQ every Thursday... Uh, I am sure there are other opportunities I have for being frugal, and I will be fine with them, as long as it doesn't involve walking around my house in a bathrobe because I won't turn the heat on... Eat out (at restaurants) less, more PORK, pork is cheap... I am sure there is more than money involved with being Frugal, perhaps a savings of TIME and/or other things like that that don't actually involve spending, but trading? Trading of this for that, etc... anyhow...

3) To be over the top sexy... I know, I know, you are thinking, DAMN!!! dude, what are you going to do, turn it up to 11? DUDE! it is already at eleven. Eleven is not enough. This coming year I am going to turn it up to 12 or 13 or 42. I am going to hit the big red button that gives me a turbo boost of sexy. I will battle other sexy men and after I defeat them there will be a quickening that leaves me even sexier than before. Women will be all histerical... HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH!!! they will shrieking... Then they will faint, but not before they throw their panties at me... Well, let me tell you, I want to be so sexy that it starts fistfights... People will be coming up to me, getting all touchy feely, just out of the blue, and I will be all coy like, let them cop a quick feel, maybe give me a reach around, then I will push them away... Stop it, I will say. This will CRUSH them, probably... IT will be like I am St. Peter and they are knockin on the gates of heaven, and I will say, NO THANK YOU, YOU GO NOW...
I will be so sexy that I will get cease and desist orders, and when I don't I will get sued... When I go up in front of a jury of my peers I will be aquitted, but the trial will drag out for months and months because, when I get up on the stand to defend myself, they will keep asking me personal questions and the judge will have to keep calling a recess so everyone can go spank the monkey...
So sexy that I will have to join the union... trust me on this one...
So sexy that if you look up sexy in the dictionary it will say to see me, and when you go to see me it will just have a full page picture and a definition as follows: Sigh!!!
So very very sexy that I will have to shower and get dressed in the dark, because if I see myself naked I would never leave the house...
On ebay the bidding for a pair of my underwear will reach record dollar amounts, don't be fooled, though, I don't wear undies, they will be fake... but for 20 dollars I will put some on and wear them for a couple hours, maybe run on the treadmill, then send them to you... of course I will include a picture for authentication purposes... NO, sorry, you can't take the pictures... My poor poor wife will have to do that... Poor dear won't get any rest...

4) Continue to not read my Horoscope... Have been letting this one roll over for about 4 years now... I don't believe in horoscopes, only science...

5) Do it on a train... thats right... I will be flexible with this one, though... train doesn't have to be moving and IT doesn't have to be anything beyond 3rd base... although the runner WILL attempt to steal home...

6) Don't kiss ANY boys... not even in the bathroom at work where the light has been burnt out over the urinals for weeks now and 80% percent of the fella's here are fella's, if you know what I mean... and I think you do.

7) Take more pictures... lots and lots of pictures AND upload them to Flickr

8) Get a 3% raise... that one should be easy... not much of a goal... but realistic...

9) Write less CRAP...

10 ) Have so much money that I am able to wipe my butt with it, pennies mostly... rolls of pennies, like in the old days when people used corn... then I will put them back in circulation:
I've been sticking $30 in pennies up my ass for the past 11 years! That's 3,000 pennies a day; 21,000 pennies a week; 1,092,000 pennies a year! To date that's 12,012,000 pennies, 8 times the population of Nebraska. Those pennies were in my ass! You think you're better than me? Oh, you're not better than me. You handle my ass pennies everyday. You pick up my ass pennies for good luck. You throw my ass pennies in fountains and make wishes on them. You give my ass pennies to your little daughter to buy gumballs with.

Damn, this is getting too complicated... seems like a lot of work... I think I will downgrade them from "goals" to "suggestions" or "filler"... it will be better that way... that way if I don't do it on a train or say, accidentally kiss a boy, I will not be all dissapointed a feel like a failure...

I think I will think about it for a while... My fiscal year doesn't start until April, anyway... April 13th... That is where it all begins and ends... Because that is my and my old lady's anniversary, and before that, there was NOTHING... my life, and thus, the rest of the world, began on that day some 10 years ago... so... that gives me 4 months to finalize my goals... which is really cool, since by then many of ya'll will have failed already and I will just be starting...

My main goal, right now, is to go to lunch 5 minutes early... Mission Accomplished... Goals are fun...

Ich wünsche zum Schweinefleisch Sie...

This guy was eyeballin' me on the bus, and I wasn't diggin' it, you see... We were rollin' down the road, somewhere near Boeing field, when I decided I had had enough. Apparently he had also.
We stood up, toe to toe and tried to stare each other down.
I was all like, "What's up!?!"
and he was all like, "What's better than Bacon?"
And I was all like, "Nothin!"
and then we kissed...
See, Bacon is the great unifier... Bacon is the problem AND the solution.
Problem: I don't have any Bacon.
Solution: Get some Bacon.
If you think about it, really hard, I expect that you will see that it is true.
Imagine if we sat down with North Korea and tried to discuss this whole Nuclear Bomb thing. They would be all like, hey, America, Screw You! and we could be all like, Ahh, baby, come here. Sit down and have some Bacon.
They would have no recourse but to sit down and eat some Bacon with us, because noone can resist a nice piece of Bacon. And while they are sitting there, eating their Bacon, perhaps with a nice cold glass of Orange juice we could just strike up a conversation and pretty soon, by the time the bacon was done, we would have a deal... Best to make sure you have plenty of Bacon on the plate though, nothing more frantic and scary than looking down and seeing 1 piece of Bacon left. Everybody be eyein' it, trying to figure if they have the balls to reach down and take it... I always get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when there are people sharkin about and there is only 1 piece of Bacon left. I get completely sick to my stomach when I hesitate and someone else takes it. I sit there looking at the empty plate, with maybe just a few crumbs of fat left... sad...
I ain't shittin' you here... think about this:
Noone ever really fights about a BLT... Cause its got Bacon in it, Yo! Oh, sure, there may be some dicussions about what kind of bread should be used (definately White, soft soft white bread) and perhaps there may be a debate on the merits of real Mayonaise vs. Salad Spread (definately Mayo)... Some may not like tomato or lettuce, one or the other... but it doesn't really matter, because noone is going to risk getting into some big ass fight and not getting their bacon... I mean it... People will make concessions... they will go ahead and have the wheat bread, the Miracle Whip... They will even eat it if the bread is toasted a little too heavy, all because of the Bacon.
This would never happen with a TLT... Add turkey to the mix and people would all start spitting at each other and ripping hair out...
WTF do you mean you ain't got no white bread for my TLT? You SUCK! No, You SUCK! Lick it... I have always hated you, and this is just another example...
etc. etc... Although, if it was FAKE turkey, like, say, TORKEY, imitation turkey made from Pork, that would probably make a difference. I would think at length about it but risk emotional scarring from the possibilities... all those wasted thanksgivings, when we could have been cutting into a Turkey made from Pork products...
Hey, screw you... Yeah, you... I know what you are thinking... Hey, asshole, they call that HAM!
NO NO NO!!! You just don't get it, do you? What kind of communist are you?
I know what ham is... I am talking about something shaped like a turkey, stuffed with stuffing, like a turkey would be, but (and I have a big but here, heh) it would be made of processed Pork product, and by processed Pork product I mean Jimmy Dean sausage. You could have original style turkey, HOT style, Sage TORKEY, or maple TORKEY. And it would come pre stuffed, with bacon and/or Chorizo. DUDE, link sausage...
OK, I got it now, ok.. so the perfect Thanksgiving or Festivus meal would be a HOT TORKEY, stuffed with link sausages wrapped with bacon slices... HOLY?!?! You know what I just thought of? I just though, OH, hey, what about the gravy... DUDE... I am so excited I can barely type... Sausage gravy!!! like you get with some biscuits and gravy... Yeah!!! You can put it on your mashed potatoes, right, but you know if will run off the potatoes and end up running into the TORKEY and stuffing... WHEW... I am getting a head rush just thinking about it... better put your salad in a salad bowl... hmmnn, salad... with Bacon Bits... Damn...
I have this perfect picture in my head of the table all spread out... I can smell it... I can see my plate... I cut into the slice of TORKEY on my plate, scoop up some stuffing, stabbing into the TORKEY to hold the stuffing on, slide the whole deal through the sausage gravy and stuff it into my mouth... wipe my chin to get the drool and fat... OH MY, only one thing missing, now I have a boner... Gotta pour some Uncle Dans dressing over the whole thing... GAWD!!!
My heart is all pitter pattering now... it is almost like being in love... WOW!!!
Second most beautiful vision I have seen in the last 24 hours...
Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh...

***
HOLY SHIT!!!
For xmas I got this CD from my lovely wife (she's HAWT!!!) and the only reason I mention this particular present is because it is ROCKING MY ASS OFF!!!
For real, when I say, HOLY SHIT I truley mean it this time...
WOLFMOTHER
Dude, they are like Deep Purple, Black Sabbath, some Zeppelin, Jethro Tull, RUSH and other ass kicking bands all rolled into one. I figured I would might find one song or another that was kinda catchy, worth listening to, you know... but I listened to the whole thing through like 3 times in a row now, and I can find nothing I do not like...
They have this song called White Unicorn. I scoffed when I saw the title... I was all like, oh really, white unicorn, huh... what a bunch of pusses...
I WAS SO WRONG!!!! It makes me SO happy to listen to it... I was listening to it while I was thinking about the TORKEY dinner and the resulting boner ripped right through my pants and hit the desk like a hammer (Hammer of the Gods). BAM!!!
Serious...
Here, check it out: WOLFMOTHER
SHIT! they were just in Seattle 3 weeks ago. DAMMIT!!! Ahh, well, they will be back.
They have a pretty cool site HERE twith an audiplayer so you can here some of their stuff, links to other videos, etc...
They are the first step in my quest to rock hard again. I hear there is good recent hard rock that I can enjoy, so I am going to find it... Any suggestions? Feel free to send them my way and I will tell you if you are full of shit or not...

***
For the record, for xmas I got 2 books that I am excited about, this rocking cd, a digital camera from my brother, some new vintage beer shirts, a benjamin (I think the kids call them)... I think that is about it...
The lovely lady seems to love the PDA I got her. I was really sweating it... I was expecting this look of disgust to cloud her pretty face, perhaps even having to go to the emergency room to have it surgically removed from my A-hole... but yeah, she seems to really appreciate it... sweet...
The girls got a bunch of stuff, most particular though, is this karaoke dance party game for the Gamecube. It is basically a mircophone that you plug in and get to perform and shit... they have this judging that happens, and if you really suck they boo you off the stage... If you sing like an Angel (like my angel) you get like a bajillion points and super prizes like more songs or costumes and such... Anyhow, the Noner LOVES it... she is singing and singing and singing, doing a little dance, throwing some emotion into it... it is the cutest thing EVER!!!
Yeah...

...next to nothing....

Really, I got next to nothing... Holiday Spirit seems to have eluded me this year. I am holding out for a xmas miracle... perhaps I will be touched by an Angel (heh, touched)...
Ok, completely random, but there is this thing that I do with my wife... no, not that one, the other one... no, the one wife, but the other thing that I do... damn... anyhow, when certain words come up in conversation or commercial or pretty much anywhere, I am forced to repeat them... she does the same, but she is not forced, she is just cute... So, really, like if we go to the store, and are on the condiment aisle (condiment being funny in its own right) and I reach for the Beaver Brand mustard or something, I pretty much gotta shout out "Beaver"... I think it is required by law... but they are words like this... it can be akward, like when you are looking at wild animals with your mother in law... luckily my mother in law would not understand the funny of me shouting out BEAVER... she would look all over for it, but, you know...
I read someones blog, I was blog jumping, from one to another, etc... anyhow, this chick that I have no idea who she is wrote about accidental nudity... sorta like flashing... and I thought, damn, I don't think I have ever accidentally flashed anyone... but I KNOW I have deliberately flashed many people... like this one time, I am sure alchohol was involved, I was camping with my brothers and some other friends and some strangers and we went swimming at night and somehow there were like 2000 dudes and 1 girl standing around this fire and all of a sudden all the fella's in my family just dropped our drawers and stood there by the fire... slowly but shirely all the other dudes around the fire dropped their drawers and pretty soon there we were, all standing there, drawers around our ankles, drinking beer... I remember that the chick thought this was pretty cool and she dropped her bottoms but left her tops on... and noone got a boner as far as I know, oh, except for her boyfriend, apparently he thought this was REALLY cool (that she would drop her drawers in front of all these dudes) and he humped her rotten in their tent that night, from what I hear... second hand info, yo...
Somehow I seem to remember several occasions where there was fire and liquor and nudity involved... that is probably where I honed my skills into becoming the sexy bastard I am now... Oh, you wouldn't know it from looking at me... but I AM... just one taste and you are hooked... whats that phrase they all use... once you.. no... uh, oh, yes, He's Tasty...
Oh, anyway, yeah, can't remember being embarassed about accidentally being naked and someone peeking at me... but have done the opposite... or something...
READING Holidays on Ice right now... it is my tradition... David Sedaris Rocks...
I think this is the 3rd or 4th year in a row that I have read it... Something about the Sedaris family makes me very happy... The only reason I would ever go to NY is to try and buy a cupcake from Amy Sedaris... Perhaps, as she hands me the cupcake our fingers will gently brush each other, we will make eye contact, she will notice how sexy I am and hump me right there... that would be sweet... I bet she is funny in the sack... always crackin' jokes and wearing funny outfits... like a clown costume... with the big shoes and shit... yeah... bright red lips and a wig with a white face and she's all honking this horn while she... uhh, be right back...

You must suffer and cry for a longer time...

Ahhh...
Crap crap crappity crap... I am DJ crappy pants, Crap Master Poopy Poop, Sgt. Crap of the shit city police dept... Just because...
I have mentioned that I don't live in the present, I live in the past and the future, and now is not really happening, it is just a big balloon of time, yo...
And I only mention this because I have nothing else to really talk about...
Lets see...
Uh, someone told me a deep dark secret yesterday... Super deep, super dark, and made me promise not to tell ANYONE... I promised that I wouldn't... and I won't... but let me tell you, it is pretty big... super, really...
I mean, you won't see me on the news, leading the police to the decomposed body of someone, implicated in the crime by my knowledge, driven to the authorities by guilt and association... nothing like that...
There won't be any serious direct conversations being had to explain to anyone important why that cold sore on their lip may be a bit more than that and how I happen to know this and why I am deeply deeply sorry... no...
Oh, I guess the for the optimists out there... No, there is not a party coming up, no booty to be shared, nothing like that...
But... but...
Oh, funny, girl anachronism just came on the mighty Zen... funny that... time... everything is about time...
anyhow... Dude, you could take me in the other room and torture me a bit, threaten my manhood with electrodes or jumper cables or something, and I would never tell... take some pincers to my nipples until tear well up in my eyes and I would just spit at you, you won't get anything out of me that way... If you want to get this info may I suggest forcing me to smoke opium in a comfortable pillow filled room while girls do a slow striptease in the corner to soothing music... maybe some curtains or tapestries on the walls... and a spongebath... but instead of sponges use those wash mitts that you can fit your whole hand in so you can get in all the nooks and crannies... that would be my suggestion... it wouldn't work, mind you, but wouldn't that be pleasant of you... yes...
Perhaps, one day, the secret will come out in some other way, maybe YOU will tell ME the secret and, depending on how general the knowledge is at that point, I may say, Yes, I already knew about that, actually for some time now... Although, if hardly anyone knows I will pretend I know nothing and YOU and I will be partners in crime... I will keep your secret AND the original secret...
although (again) I am not sure you can be trusted to keep THIS secret as secret as I can... you would probably fold the first time they dripp the hot wax on your genitals... week bastard... I have my doubts because you couldn't keep it from me so how could you keep it from THEM... although (goddamn all the althoughs) I AM pretty suave and my general sexiness has often been used to my advantage... you probably can't be blamed for giving it up to me, the information that is... I know you, you figure if you give up the information you will be able to give up something else to me later... Sorry, I don't work that way... Thanks for the information, but you know, if I see something I want, I just take it...
When I want cattle, I take the cattle.
When I want food, I take the food.
When I want a woman... I just take the woman.
You... YOU can't bribe ME... you can try to get close, but if I really wanted anything from you... I would take it... ask people who know... go ahead and ask them... Say to them, "Hey... If Trey wants something, does he just take it or what???"
It may take a while to get the answer out of them...
They will get all glassy eyed and just kinda stare off into space for a few moments, all nippley... you may have to poke them... then they will just kinda nod...
"yes", they will say, "yes he does." and their eyebrows will raise up and they will give a little self satisfied smirk of knowing... then they will have to excuse themselves for a few minutes, if you know what I mean...
I guess what I am saying is that you really can't be blamed for telling ME the secret I already know, you can't help yourself but your motivation is probably a little skewed...
Hey, I get it now...
THAT is why I was told the secret in the first place... Someone is trying to get in my pants... so they thought they would tell me this thing, try to draw me in to their little world and take advantage of my caring nature in order to try and have sex with me... you sneaky little... damn... Ahhh... hmmnnn...
That was pretty slick... you would think I would have learned by now... I don't know how many times this scam has been run on me... and I am always a sucker for it... trying to get sympathy (pity) sex out of me... damn... You should be ashamed of yourself... Shame shame shame on you!!!
Sigh, irregardless, I will keep your dirty little secret... take it to the grave, if need be... it kills me... I love a good dirty little secret... so good and sooooo dirty... Huge... Huge secret... goddamn... I'm all atwitter...
You know what... damn, I have to tell someone... but I promised I wouldn't... so I tell you what I am going to do... I am going to go out behind the produce warehouse, there, over by the train tracks, and wait for a train to come by, and when it does, and it is all rushing by loud and shit, I will whisper the secret to myself... I will just, you know, say it out loud, but quietly... that should do it... Just let it out into the world and that should do it... keep me from bursting...
What a dichotomy... won't tell anybody, but gotta let it out... so wild horses couldn't drag it out of me, but I have no problem just giving it up to myself... ain't that always the way... giving it up to myself...

***
ATTENTION YOUR OLD LADY:
In Re: your comment: "taco go boom in the night"

I don't get it... it didn't go boom... it was right there in my hands... I remember looking down and seeing it there... and next thing I knew, there it was all over the place... kinda exploded all over the place, I suppose... that was a damn good taco, too...

Come on just lets go...

DAMMIT!!!
Shit!!
OK, so yesterday, right, the chirrens stayed the night at gramma's house, gonna go get a xmas tree and decorate it and make a general mess, I assume...
So me and the lovely lovely lovely wife went out.
Ran some errands, kinda like an adventure cause there was no one dictating our actions but ourselves.
Had to go and drop some stuff off at peoples houses, right, so we had to drive around and around trying to figure out how to get to the right place.
Round and round we drove, finally found the first house, dropped the stuff off then went to dinner, after dinner we drove and drove, in the dark misty night, it was foggy and dark and I couldn't see shit, but we found the place, dropped the stuff off and went home... see, an adventure...
Ok, so Dinner, right...
we went to this Mexican place in Des Moines, Lago Azul. Good food, somewhat autentico, you dig. I order the Tacos al Carbon. Big old plate shows up with a bunch of beans and rice and 3 big ass tacos (soft) with steak cut up inside... I knew if I ate the whole thing I would suffer for it, so I paced myself, ate half the taco's (exactly HALF, for real, half of 3 is 1 and a half, and that is what I ate). I envisioned eating the rest for lunch the next day (hey, thats today).
I boxed it up, put it in the car as we ran errands, etc... Everything was groovy.
So we get home, and we are getting our crap out of the car. I am talking to the HAWT one as I grab the left overs. I get hers out, I grab mine, and for the life of me I don't know what happened. Serious, I have gone over it and over it in my head, but there is a gap of like 5-10 seconds that I cannot picture... it is a complete blank...
Somehow, I had the container in my hands...
Somehow, I didn't have the container in my hands any longer...
It was there, then it wasn't...
Magic, eh?
No, though, it didn't just "disappear", I knew exactly where it was... it was on the floor of my car. Now, containers like this have a top, a bottom, a front, a back, and 2 sides, totally 3 dimensional, yo...
It could have ended up on the floor of the car completely flat on its top or bottom, could have landed on its side... NO... NO NONONONONONON....
right on the Somehow it landed (or magically reappeared) on the floor of the car, the front side down, BAMdoorjam on the floor, in such a way that it EXPLODED open into the car...
AHHH, thats it... tramatic stress syndrome... thats why I don't remember... it is too terrible to conceive so my natural defenses have kicked in to protect myself... yeah...
Irregardless, end result is food all over the floor...
NOW... now now now... picture in your head for a moment one of these containers... and Mexican food... you have a taco and a half... some beans... and some rice... imagine how these things exist in the world, how heavy and/or viscous they may be... now, and this is where magic is probably the most logical explanation, almost everything came out of the container... almost...
Tacos - Check
Beans - Check
Salsa from all over the beans - Check
Guacamole - Check
Rice - Uh... Rice - uh... Dammit!!!
How the hell can the rice be the only thing that DIDN'T fall out of the friggin container... it was the lightest shit in there, wasn't especially sticky, nothing holding it in, but it was all that was left...
AND AND AND AND... AND it was the thing in the container I wanted least. I don't normally abide by the rice... have no real use for it, well, maybe as filler or something, but yeah... if ONLY the rice had fallen out I would have probably skipped away like a little girl... but DAMMIT!!! beans and tacos, they have value... high value... right up there with getting some action and finding money on the ground... I mean, you know, damn...
SO SO.. SO... So there is this shit all over the floor in the back of the car, it is dark and (after the full impact of the situation hit me) I was pissed...
In the trunk of my car I have jumper cables, I have some tools, a blanket, some water and shit... but what I don't have is a "scoop the shit out off the floor in the back seat area" scoop... really, I looked...
There wasn't even anything I could use to mcgyver some sort of tool out of to get the shit off the floor of the car... So I had to use my hand... my handy hand... I am handy with my hands...
I just dug in and started gooping shit off the floor with my hand, man... Beans with salsa and sour cream and soft taco shell and steak and no rice, man... I just had to scrap and pull and scoop the shit out and back into the to-go container... like some sort of steam shovel, or something, I kept scooping and scooping... and damn if it wasn't hard resisting the urge to lick my fingers, get all the good stuff off 'em, lick it... but I knew, oh lordy do I know, that I was probably getting some other "stuff" off the floor along with the beans and sour cream and guac and steak and soft taco shells (but not rice)... there was the misc "stuff" that results from kids picking up stuff and throwing it on the floor, or dropping off their shoes, or whatnot...
But I don't know, cause it was way dark, and it was cold, and I was blind with the rage... ancient blood boiling in my heart... years of domesticity wiped away... not really, I'm a big puss... but I didn't cry at least, so there is always that...
DAMN... so I scooped it all out, as far as I know, and made the long walk to the dumpster to throw it out... kinda like the walk of shame, I hoped that I wouldn't run into anyone I knew and have to explain what I was up to... and I dumped it... sad but true...
And And And... my handy hand was covered in "stuff" (as I described above) now and I had to walk back to the apartment holding my hand out awkwardly so's not to get any on me... any more on me... still had to resist licking the good stuff off my fingers, you know, the good stuff you get on your fingers that you don't want to go to waste but you can't share with anyone else because if you try to stick your fingers in someone elses mouth to give them a taste they will kick you in the balls, even if what you are trying to get them to taste off your fingers is theirs in the first place... like cookie dough or something, well, not like cookie dough, not sure what I mean... it is actually more like anything you would try to get someone to lick off your fingers, it probably wouldn't go well regardless...
anyway... I went in and washed my hands...

***
Hey, I was thinking about my wife, right, I think I mentioned her before, and I was thinking that if anything ever happened to her, like she realized what a asshole I am or otherwise was no longer my wife, right, that I would have to (HAVE TO) find someone EXACTLY like her to replace her with, but if I found a replacement that replacement would suck because my wife ROCKS so hard... for real... You cannot remake art... oh, sure, you can replicate pretty close, but you can never match the hotness and class of the original...

Ah-ah-ah-aaahhhhh

Lets see if I can remember how this went.
I was somewhere, it was like a city, and I was with work type people. They were all familiar, and I had somehow shown up late or something.
So I was trying to catch up and we were supposed to be hitting these different businesses to do something, but I didn't know what, so I was just going to roll with it.
Someone told me to watch out for the robot on the corner and I looked over there and it may have been a robot for a second, but it was suddenly this metal sign that was just kinda rocking in the wind.
So I turned back to the task at hand. Apparently I had to fix some posters or something, and I found one that was MINE. I remembered it and wouldn't let anyone touch it because I was proud of it and I knew the person it was for so I was going to fix it the right way. So I was doing that and someone started telling me about how happy this dude was with the poster we had made for him.
He had an Italian restaurant and we had taken a chance and gone in a different direction with it. I took a look at the poster, and the main portion of it involved these chicks in bikinis that looked like they were made of whipped cream and there were 3 of them and one was on top of this old Italian dude in the restaurant, and the other 2 chicks were sitting on either side of him and everyone was looking at the camera like Italian food made them horny. And down in the corner was this picture of two really weird looking chicks. Like old Italian bum ladies or something, and they were eating spaghetti and looked dazed or something...
But the dude was very happy with the direction we took for the poster so we were all happy too.
So it was cold out and we were working our way up the street and I found myself in bed with some dude (not telling who, it is not important). I remember thinking, how did this happen and I was naked and I was all like, uhhh... and this dude was sleeping and I was trying not to let any part of my body touch any part of his...
Then all hell started breaking loose, there was a bunch of running around on the streets, like something bad was happening. So I went walking up the street. I decided I needed to get some incense oil stuff. I was walking against the crowd. Someone said something about this noxious gas/smell and I smelt something strange but not sure what. So I tried going up this one street but the cops were all like, no way, it is closed.
So I went into this shop, figured I would work my way up the block through some shops. So I went in and went upstairs and kept trying to find a way to go down towards the street, but there was crap piled all over the stairs, so I went around this corner to the left and down these stairs and at the bottom was this old lady sitting on a lazyboy, surrounded by stuffed animals. Some chick showed up from somewhere at that point also, and the old lady said that they were closed but we could look around and I asked if they had incense and she pointed to this table with a bunch of crap on it... bottles and boxes and stuff, and she told me to smell it. So I did and something smelled really good but then I saw these price stickers and they were all like $300 and I was all like, hell no...
And suddenly these big door opened and all these people started coming in, so I figured it was safe outside so I went out and started going up the hill.
I knew the shop I wanted was at the top of the hill. The hill was really steep.
I was half way up when I heard someone calling my name. I looked down and say my buddy the bear. He wanted to come up the hill also. I was all like, come on dude, you can do it. Then I bounded up and over the top of the hill like some friggin gazelle or something... I looked down and my buddy was climbing up pretty strong too and he finally got over the top and was all proud of himself and I was all like, way to go, dude...
So he stood there looking down the hill and I went around to the front of the shop, but it looked like it was closed. I looked in the window and saw people so I went in.
It was dark and there were people laying around all over, but they didn't mind me being there. I started looking around and had to go around a bunch of people, and, now dig this, I started POLE VAULTING over people that were in the way. It was easy...
So I finally got to the incense and was starting to look at it when I noticed these doors.
I went in one of the doors and was suddenly with my lovely family. It was outside and it was warm and the sun was shining and we were all happy. Me and the Noner decided to take a ride in this boat. It was one of those peddle boats, that you sit in and peddle to move, right... So we got in and she didn't want to peddle... So I did all the peddlin' and we made were moving pretty fast.
We got to this green field down the ways and got out and I played rugby or something like that... It was fun, there was some sort of kicking and catching stuff going on, and the dudes were impressed with my mad skills.
Then we went back to where we started and I went through the door I had entered and found myself in this different room. There were a lot of people mediating or something and the leader kinda waved me in so I went in and around this corner. It was weird. There were people all lined up along the walls and they were all thinking and stuff. So I kicked back against the wall and was sitting and thinking and chilling.
Suddenly the leader rang this bell and said something like, GO NOW!!!
All of a sudden people started scurrying around getting into groups where they were all huddled together and laying on each other and stuff. It was spooking cause they were all like flowing together into random piles of 2 or 3 or 5 or whatever number of people. Someone came up to me and smiled and told me not to worry, that I would get the call for my own group... like it was some sort of mystical thing. I told this person that I was fine, it was no big deal.
Suddenly this HAWT asian chick came crawling up to me and was trying to make a pile on me. I was all like, SWEET... so she crawled up on me and she is all like, uh, do you have mints in your pocket or something?
I did.
She hated the smell of mints, although she liked the taste. I took them out of my pocket and she got all cozy.
I was looking around trying to figure out if I was supposed to zen out or take some sort of action, or just sit there. After a while I looked down at her and she was naked, laying with her head in my lap (just laying there) and she had had some sort of breakthrough, it all made sense now. She was talking about something or other and I was trying to play some sort of part, like be a good listener or guru or something, but I kept looking at her naughty bits and admiring them and she kept on talking and I was all like, yeah yeah, and someone came over and said, good for you, to her, and she smiled and somehow it was all my doing. She gave me a nice light kiss on the lips and smiled at me and went away. She had a nice butt.
I figured I should leave... So I went back out the door I had come in.
I think something exciting was going to happen, something happy and good, but the alarm went off. The song, I don't remember what it was, sounded very cheerful and upbeat. So I guess my day started well...
Thats all...

Probably the purest (and best kind) of crap on the market

The more and more I think, and think that I have gotten to some sort of intellectual peak or understanding, you know, feeling centered and aware, I look back and think about how I thought the exact same thing before... and I was wrong, or something...
I don't know what I am trying to say, except that I believe, that in the past, I had my head up my ass, and now I do not, but tomorrow I may look back and decide that I did (do) have my head up my ass (right now) but not any more (tomorrow)...

**
OK, random musical interlude...
So my old lady mentions that there is some hella good metal coming out still, not like Audioslave (really, Soundgarden rocked for a while but then everything ended up sounding exactly the same as everything else they did, and Rage Against the Machine was always fantastic, but the combo just doesn't cut it... sorry fella's) so I started looking around a bit...
Dude, so far I found Wolfmother and The Black Keys and I am very pleased... I mean, holy shit, why didn't someone mention this to me before...
I have seriously been diggin on Iron Maiden lately, Kix, Scorpions, Judas Priest (whoa!!!) and stuff... so I am quite happy to find something that doesn't suck and hopefully won't turn into some sort of W.A.S.P. or Saxon type adventure...
Sublime, damn, did they ever do anything that didn't totally rock and make me want to hump someone in the back of a van? I don't think so... Slow ride, Caress Me Down, KRS-one, 40oz to freedom, damn...
Morrissey, for real dude, I have probably 8000 Morrissey/smiths songs on my Zen right now, same songs over and over, some live, some covers, damn...
If I ever get in the mood to sing in front of people there are really only a couple artists that I am willing to even attempt... The Tragically Hip - Grace, Too... TLC - Creep... Morrissey - Let me kiss you, Friday Mourning, The world is full of Crashing Bores... eh, maybe there are a few others, but it doesn't really matter... the chances of there being a song I am willing to sing, in a place I am willing to sing it, on a night that I am willing to sing, being in the correct mood and such, is highly unlikely... so I am just saying, you know, there you go...
OH NEKO... She seems lonely, I am sure she would probably enjoy my company... I would probably try to convert her to being a meat eater, perhaps she would try to change me... oh, who knows what could happen... We could sit on the couch with our feet on the coffee table, looking at the ice in our glasses, thinking of things to say to each other, but ultimately just being comfortable in each others prescence... she would ask if my wife would mind if she kissed me, my wife would say that would be fine if she kissed her first, and we would all end up kissing each other, and I would be the hero for bringing this on, "thank you" they would mouth at me, eyes all a sparkle and I would just give a nod, "no" I would say, "thank you"... then I would put on my leather jacket and ride off into the hot summer night... I am pretty sure that is how it would go down...

***
I have something like 10 shopping days until xmas, actually less than that, lets call it 2... ok, so 2 days that I could perhaps somehow go out shopping... although I don't really have to, but feel that I should get something a little more for my wife... not like a tennis bracelet to go with the diamond ring type of something, no... more like something so she has more than 1 present to open while I sit there with the 50 presents that she had to get for me because things just kept popping up and the limits that we set for ourselves (or say we are going to set for ourselves) never actually happen... so I want to get her something so she is not just sitting there with one present because she really deserves 50 or 60 of them...
Dude, everytime I see one of those Jesus is the reason for the season signs I start to feel the rage... Really, it just drives me nuts... Jesus is the reason for what season? The general mid to end of december season? The general everyone else is also apparently having a holiday around this time also season? It gets me because if them people that have them signs really meant it xmas would be nothing like it is now. Wouldn't be about shopping and parties and shit... really doesn't mention any of that in the bible from what I have heard, and I am sure I would have been slapped in the face with it if it really did say to go and buy a xmas tree and put a shitload of gifts underneath it and treat yourself cause you deserve it... So really, jebu has nothing to do with this, you dig... so that would bring me to the whole apart from jehu thing... where everyone seems to go friggin insane buying shit... really... there is no good reason for getting up and standing in line at 3 or 4 in the morning, serious... you say it is to save money and get the good deals, bullshit... not when you end up spending $2000 and you STILL going out shopping after that... it is friggin herd mentality... and noone is really happy during the shopping season, but of grumpy bastards... ahh, it is getting me all pissy... I read about this dude that got all wrapped up in the shopping and spending and shit and was being a total prick and was up all night xmas eve wrapping and drinking and shit then come xmas morning he like freaked out and when all nuts on his family and ended up going to jail and the judge that sentenced him is making him be nice AND take his family on a cruise or some such shit, because you know, if you ruin the day of jesus your sins can be erased by spending a large some of money to buy off your families love... or it may have been an urban legend, who knows...
and I just ate a airborne lozenge thing that tastes like stale old cat... or a moldy house with cats in it... or a old moldy house with a wool blanket in the closet that a cat has been laying on for a long time, and the cat it old and I hate cats...

***
I am such a smooth operator... for real... I am super smooth at about midnight or so, after I have already been asleep for a few hours and my old lady finally comes to bed completely exhausted from doing all the stuff that she does... directly out of a REM state I am in the sexy astral zone... pure carnal, like in brother bear when the indian dude is fighting the bear in the end but the bear is really his brother and there is some other bears and some sort of ghosty spiritual thing happens and then the brother decides to stay as a bear and the other indian decides to accept him as he is and they are suddenly very powerful and everyone understands... exactly like that... and am like pure sex in horny spirit form...
This is not always so great... I mean it is, you know, cause I tingle down there, but like, sometimes, when I am on the bus and start kinda dozing and then someone gets on at one of the stops and they try to sit next to me and I kinda wake up and the start putting the moves on some random stranger because it is in my nature... kinda akward, you know...
once I fell asleep at the dentists office because they were pumping me full of nitrous oxide and I woke up when they started rubbing my nipple through my shirt and like, had their pants down around their ankles in like 10 seconds before I realized that it was not appropriate (and they explained they were just playing with my nipples to stimulate my breathing)...
The worse part is that I am always tired since I get up at 4am all the time so I am almost always in a sleepy state and people can sense it so they are always walking by my desk to say hi and stuff and they are always licking their lips like they want some yummy from me...
But I always keep it in check, always, baby, you dig... its dificult and painful "down there" to keep denying people all the time... but I know it is for the best...

Shake -a-puddin, yo!!!

Back in the day, when my ancestors were savages, they would not be sitting around like this, thumbs up their asses. Serious, they would be all like:
HEY, LET'S GO FUCK SOME SHIT UP!!!
For real...
They must be looking down (or up) at me right now and be thinking to themselves:
HEY!!! WHY ISN'T HE FUCKING SHIT UP?!?! HE'S JUST SITTING THERE... STICKING PAPERCLIPS UP HIS NOSE.
They would be looking around for their clubs and spears and nunchucks to abuse me with, maybe just hit me up side the head with their big meaty paws...
I know this for a fact, 'cause, you see, as I sit here, waiting, thinking, and sticking paperclips up my nose, I feel like fucking shit up. Not like I am sitting here doing some soul searching and have come to an educated well thought out conclusion that what the moment calls for, right now, is for someone like me to take action and seriously fuck some shit up... No. It is more of something that is crawling up my spine. Some sort of boiling, whats it called, genetic influence, perculating in my brain chemicals... I can feel it in my joints and my back... I look at the random objects sitting on my desk and have long ago determined which of them would make the best weapon (either as a projectile or a hand to hand combat weapon) and even how to use such weapon to inflict the most possible bodily harm...
But you know, that would be a hell of a sight... Mighty me, rising up to kick some serious ass or otherwise randomly fuck shit up... flailing about like some sort of brocoli man with spaghetti arms, crying and screaming... not spaghetti arms like thin and long, no, more like spaghetti arms that, when you get hit with them, it feels like someone flung a cold wet piece of spaghetti at you and it stuck on your face, just for a second, and then was gone leaving just maybe a hint of dampness or something... then I would have to stop and catch my breath...
then I could start flailing about again, maybe knock your coffee over or something...
The savages would really have a freak out at that point... it would be like they would just look at each other with their mouths hanging open and be so incredulous that they wouldn't be even speak to each other... then they would piss themselves in rage and other stuff...
In the meantime, I sit here eating sudafed and drinking coffee, trying to work up the courage to go kill a bum along the traintracks or something (just to watch him die)...

***
The closest I came to being gay this year:
This chick at work, see, I was coughing, and she was all like, "Do you want a lozenge?" and I was all like, "yeah", which was cool, since I had been stealing a few from her here and there anyhow, which is cool since I give her all the change I sometimes have in my pocket just for the hell of it, so it was like I had been paying for something I didn't even know I was paying for all along... but I like to call it stealing...
So she throws this lozenge at me and I catch it (good catch) and I was all like, "hey, these are tasty" and she said something about the stuff in the middle, and this is the gay part, I was all like, "it's cool, cause you suck and suck and suck on these things and in the end you suddenly get this thick tasty treat to swallow and you are all like, Uh, do I like that or not, but you are stuck with it (cause you can't just spit it out, that would be RUDE!!!) and in the end you are all like, that was not so bad, AND your cough is gone"...
How gay is THAT?!?! I didn't even realize what was happening until it was all over (heh) and suddenly I was all like, I am so gay...

***

In my Underoos I tend to be brief

If I were an automobile, at this point I thing I would be a 72 Ford Ranger. All beat up and rusty and shit. One of those trucks that noone really wants to ride in because you are scared you are probably going to break down out in the boonies or something. Heat doesn't work all the time, either works really good and you are too hot or doesn't work at all and you end up with ice on the INSIDE of the window. Knobs all broke off so you have to use pliers to tune the radio, power steering is all loosey goosey, plenty of play, you dig... mismatched tires and the gas mileage sucks... Yep, that's me... Oh, yeah, the seat is ripped so you have to throw some old blanket you got in Mexico over it...
That's just the way it is... Serious... One of those classic rides that you get with a dream of fixing up one day, straightening out the body and giving it a nice paintjob and shit, but you never really get around to it and pretty soon the only time you use it is when you need to haul some wood or your friends are moving and want to borrow it. See, the metaphor? See it? Basically I feel all beat down and tired, but I keep on keeping on the same as I ever have. I want to fix this beater up, beef it up, all shiny shiny, but I will probably never get around to it... See it now? Yeah...
Now, if my old lady were a vehicle, I would have to say that she is one of those high performance fighter jets... Like a screaming eagle or something, but lets jazz it up a bit... lets call her a Screaming Fox (cause she's foxy, you dig) or a Screaming Beaver (HEH)... she is a fine performing machine. All stealthy like, swooping in to kick ass... getting the job done, leaving devastation in her wake... People see her coming and they are all like, Holy Shit!!! and duck for cover, you know, if they are on the wrong side... If they are friendlies they are all like calling in for support, gimme an air strike at coordinates blah blah blah, and she goes screaming overhead and suddenly there is a bright flash of napalm and sudden fire along the tree line... She kicks ass, really... that's all I'm trying to say... that and that she is super fine and stuff... and I want to do loop de loops and some twisty twirly acrobatic stunts with her... Yeah...

***
My youngest daughter will kick your ass!!!
Serious... I will put her up against anyone at any time. She will leave you a quivering mess when she is done with you. She will wear you down, completely twist your mind... after about 5 minutes with her your fight or flight instinct will kick in, and if you are smart you will run... cause you can't win in a head to head fight with her. If you are able to run, do so at top speed, and don't look back, don't just kinda run a few feet away and try to regroup, she hates that. If you run, just keep running. If you decide to fight, feel free to put up some sort of token resistance, if it makes you feel better. Ultimately though it would be best if you just fell to the ground and played dead. She will still kick you and shit while you are laying there, but it really is for the best to offer no resistance and try to find your happy spot. She seriously kicks ass, dude. I totally fear her... I bet she can sense this.
I said no to her once... once... I know better now. Typically, the stance I take at this point is one of two.
1) If she wants something of me I just do it. That's it, I just do it.
2) I don't do it and IMMEDIATELY try to Zen out. Unfocus the eyes, relax the mind, try to become one with the universe... immediately. I learned this in the CIA... In case you get captured and tortured and don't want to go insane you gotta just relax...
See, my youngest daughter uses diabolical techniques... thank goodness she doesn't know enough about electricity yet to use that... but she does use the repetition technique, alternating that with hella loud noises and she also has this thing were she looks unbelievably cute, kinda lulls you into a false sense of safety, then she strikes... Dude, she also does this thing were she looks unbelievably sad, huge tears hanging in her eyes, super pouty face, pure heartbreak... this one makes you feel like a huge asshole for even trying to do whatever it was you were trying, or saying, or even just looking at her...
ME: "Hey, don't play with that Cobra!"
HER: super sad pouty face..
ME: "I am such an asshole. I'm sorry honey!!!"
Some of my major offenses against her recently:
1) Trying to turn the channel during a commercial
2) Making her brush her teeth/get ready for bed/go to bed
3) Making her wear socks/underwear
4) Making her quit abusing the computer
5) Looking at her
I am such an asshole... she is really benevolent... a good soul... it ain't her fault that she occasionally needs to put the smack down... it's in her nature...
Uhh, whats that called? Yeah, I think I have the Stockholm syndrome... where I start to identify with my captor and shit... damn... she is good...

***
Things I am tired of hearing about in the news:
1) Britney/Paris/Lyndsey, etc... WTF, don't we have anything better to do that hear about these bitches... I find no value in any of them (except when I get to see their boobs, that's kinda fun)
2) Iraq - Serious dude, we lost... we should never have gone there, are doing it completely wrong and they hate us...
3) Everything associated with Iraq - Specifically Bush and his people, but to a lesser extent everything else... tired of, uh, all of it...
4) Seattle Transportation
5) Cops getting killed - WTF... now I ain't really a big fan of cops in general (as authority figures) but really, someone needs to put the smack down. If this was Israel this shit would never happen. Dudes would be carrying friggin' automatic rifles all over. They tell you to freeze by putting a cap in your ass. If they went rolling into a party to investigate some shit the first thing they would do is shoot someone in the knee, just to get everyones attention, and then start strip searching everyone (thats mostly cause Israeli girls are hot)... uhh, lost my train on that one,
To hell with it, I am hating the news lately... same things over and over and nothing really changes... mostly a bunch of bitching and moaning...
What I really want to see in the news is: .
Sexy local man wins a bajillion dollars in Lottery, walks with a limp after breaking foot off in coworkers ass...
And then the story would go on to talk about how sexy I am and suddenly even sexier because I am worth a bajillion dollars and how I was completely justified in breaking my foot off in anyones ass and how I should sue for the pain and suffering.
And how my wife is a fox... yeah

I swear to the stars, I'll burn this whole city down...

Hey,
didn't mind to leave anyone out (or include EVERYONE) in the shoutout, you dig... but apparently there were a few people that I probably should have included... People I appreciate... and just to qualify this bad boy a bit more, let me mention something I remember reading at one point, or perhaps it was mentioned to me... irregardless...
"Do you love me because I am beautiful? Or am I beautiful because you love me?"
Anyhow, let it be known that I hate ugly people (and midgets) thus ya'll must be attractive and it is probably redundant of me to point it out... hey, screw you...
Anyhow...
To the Stremses and the Chows and the westcoastgolds and everyone else, just to let you know I care, I would like to give you each a nice firm pat on the ass... Well done, seriously... Way to go!!! I wish each and every one of you could have the opportunity of seeing me naked. That's how much I care... What a treat (for you) that would be.. For me it would be just another day in the office... The office of love...

***
Dude, check it out:
Ten Verses Never Preached on at Church

***
For the record, When you listen to Josh Grobin GOD kills a Kitten, because Josh Grobin is a big Jerkoff and everyone knows when you jerkoff god kills a kitten so by association God Kills kittens...
Also when you listen to:
1) Smooth Jazz
2) Courtni Love
3) New country
4) Dave Matthews (or similar post hippie feeling rock)
and the list goes on...

I know you fine but... oh nevermind...

I was sitting on the bus today and the frowny face gal got on at the last stop before we hit the freeway, ok... she's the one that wears the Australian looking cowboy hat and can't seem to close her mouth because it is stuck in a permanent frown...
So she got on the bus and was all frowny and shit, and she sat down and took off her hat. Her hair looks like HELL. It is all short and turning a bad dirty grey color and she always has this major case of hat head. This is bad, seriously...
I had taken a glance at her this morning, you know, and confirmed that yes, she looked like hell, so I just kinda stared off into space and listened to my music for a while... then, out of the corner of my eye I could see some sort of action going on... I took a little look and Ms. Frowny Face was putting on some gawdawful earings... she was fussin and fussin at her ear trying to get this earring in, and when she finally did she moved on to the other... It was hideous and I studied her a bit and was trying to come up with some sort of analogy or metephor or something for this disaster...
The best I can do is this... think of those big ass statues on easter island... aren't they grand?!? Now imagine putting a hat on one, and bright red lipstick, and ugly ass earrings... and maybe tack a dead cat or two to either side... now put it on a bus heading towards seattle at 5:30 in the morning... oh, and suck on a menthol cough drop at the same time... yeah... that is pretty much exactly what it is/was like...
I don't know why I let it get to me, I really don't... well... maybe I do... I imagine that these people, they look in the mirror and think they look just fine... or they imagine that they look just fine and they sit there not realizing that they really don't... and what really gets to me is that I could also be sitting there thinking I look just fine and someone else could be looking at me and thinking, What the fuck!!!... you know... So I try not to be too haughty in my evaluation of them... but damn...
There seems to be a bit of body dismorfic something or other going on... there are a few people I know that look fine to me but seem to think there is something better they could get to... Some of them are finer than others... Like my old lady... DAMN!!! thats about all I can say about that... I could follow her down the hall all day, if you know what I mean... Sometimes I just have to sneak a peak at her, all sneaky like, it just seems to go down better that way... I think I have mentioned it before and I know I have told her a million times, but gawddamn baby...
Since I am throwing it out there... may I mention that the following people look fantastic...
Spicerack: Hey!
Red Bear: Way to go, dude!!!
Annonymous dog owner: Your hair is rockin'!
French Monkey Boy: You seem to be quite physically fit, congrats on running and swimming and stuff.
Crazy Korean: Stretch out that IT band and keep your HR up, and run like the wind boy.
and everyone else out there that is looking fantastic... keep it up!!!

***
Hey, time for the pictures of the kids being scared of Santa: SHRIEK!!!

***
Yeah, so I didn't post for a while and now I am trying to get back into it...
I was just doing some thinking and considering and stuff...
Wasn't sure what there was to say, not that I need a point, obviously I can post for days and days without having a point... but it seemed that there had to be a purpose, or a muse or something... I guess I just haven't found anything interesting and fresh... I feel like I mention things over and over and over again... although that is not just here but there also... I think I really just need closure of some sort... like a definate end of the conversation, a point to reference...
Ultimately, though, I find it hard to complete a thought lately... like right there... there was a definate pause there while I thought about what I was trying to think about there... hmmnnn... yep, I lost it again... I think I am trying to say that I can't think of anything to say... like running into someone you have not seen for a long time, or someone you see all the time, and you don't really have a point of reference (or a new point) to speak to... how you doin? fine, how you doin? Great. Ok then. Yes, fine then... see you later...