Come on just lets go...

DAMMIT!!!
Shit!!
OK, so yesterday, right, the chirrens stayed the night at gramma's house, gonna go get a xmas tree and decorate it and make a general mess, I assume...
So me and the lovely lovely lovely wife went out.
Ran some errands, kinda like an adventure cause there was no one dictating our actions but ourselves.
Had to go and drop some stuff off at peoples houses, right, so we had to drive around and around trying to figure out how to get to the right place.
Round and round we drove, finally found the first house, dropped the stuff off then went to dinner, after dinner we drove and drove, in the dark misty night, it was foggy and dark and I couldn't see shit, but we found the place, dropped the stuff off and went home... see, an adventure...
Ok, so Dinner, right...
we went to this Mexican place in Des Moines, Lago Azul. Good food, somewhat autentico, you dig. I order the Tacos al Carbon. Big old plate shows up with a bunch of beans and rice and 3 big ass tacos (soft) with steak cut up inside... I knew if I ate the whole thing I would suffer for it, so I paced myself, ate half the taco's (exactly HALF, for real, half of 3 is 1 and a half, and that is what I ate). I envisioned eating the rest for lunch the next day (hey, thats today).
I boxed it up, put it in the car as we ran errands, etc... Everything was groovy.
So we get home, and we are getting our crap out of the car. I am talking to the HAWT one as I grab the left overs. I get hers out, I grab mine, and for the life of me I don't know what happened. Serious, I have gone over it and over it in my head, but there is a gap of like 5-10 seconds that I cannot picture... it is a complete blank...
Somehow, I had the container in my hands...
Somehow, I didn't have the container in my hands any longer...
It was there, then it wasn't...
Magic, eh?
No, though, it didn't just "disappear", I knew exactly where it was... it was on the floor of my car. Now, containers like this have a top, a bottom, a front, a back, and 2 sides, totally 3 dimensional, yo...
It could have ended up on the floor of the car completely flat on its top or bottom, could have landed on its side... NO... NO NONONONONONON....
right on the Somehow it landed (or magically reappeared) on the floor of the car, the front side down, BAMdoorjam on the floor, in such a way that it EXPLODED open into the car...
AHHH, thats it... tramatic stress syndrome... thats why I don't remember... it is too terrible to conceive so my natural defenses have kicked in to protect myself... yeah...
Irregardless, end result is food all over the floor...
NOW... now now now... picture in your head for a moment one of these containers... and Mexican food... you have a taco and a half... some beans... and some rice... imagine how these things exist in the world, how heavy and/or viscous they may be... now, and this is where magic is probably the most logical explanation, almost everything came out of the container... almost...
Tacos - Check
Beans - Check
Salsa from all over the beans - Check
Guacamole - Check
Rice - Uh... Rice - uh... Dammit!!!
How the hell can the rice be the only thing that DIDN'T fall out of the friggin container... it was the lightest shit in there, wasn't especially sticky, nothing holding it in, but it was all that was left...
AND AND AND AND... AND it was the thing in the container I wanted least. I don't normally abide by the rice... have no real use for it, well, maybe as filler or something, but yeah... if ONLY the rice had fallen out I would have probably skipped away like a little girl... but DAMMIT!!! beans and tacos, they have value... high value... right up there with getting some action and finding money on the ground... I mean, you know, damn...
SO SO.. SO... So there is this shit all over the floor in the back of the car, it is dark and (after the full impact of the situation hit me) I was pissed...
In the trunk of my car I have jumper cables, I have some tools, a blanket, some water and shit... but what I don't have is a "scoop the shit out off the floor in the back seat area" scoop... really, I looked...
There wasn't even anything I could use to mcgyver some sort of tool out of to get the shit off the floor of the car... So I had to use my hand... my handy hand... I am handy with my hands...
I just dug in and started gooping shit off the floor with my hand, man... Beans with salsa and sour cream and soft taco shell and steak and no rice, man... I just had to scrap and pull and scoop the shit out and back into the to-go container... like some sort of steam shovel, or something, I kept scooping and scooping... and damn if it wasn't hard resisting the urge to lick my fingers, get all the good stuff off 'em, lick it... but I knew, oh lordy do I know, that I was probably getting some other "stuff" off the floor along with the beans and sour cream and guac and steak and soft taco shells (but not rice)... there was the misc "stuff" that results from kids picking up stuff and throwing it on the floor, or dropping off their shoes, or whatnot...
But I don't know, cause it was way dark, and it was cold, and I was blind with the rage... ancient blood boiling in my heart... years of domesticity wiped away... not really, I'm a big puss... but I didn't cry at least, so there is always that...
DAMN... so I scooped it all out, as far as I know, and made the long walk to the dumpster to throw it out... kinda like the walk of shame, I hoped that I wouldn't run into anyone I knew and have to explain what I was up to... and I dumped it... sad but true...
And And And... my handy hand was covered in "stuff" (as I described above) now and I had to walk back to the apartment holding my hand out awkwardly so's not to get any on me... any more on me... still had to resist licking the good stuff off my fingers, you know, the good stuff you get on your fingers that you don't want to go to waste but you can't share with anyone else because if you try to stick your fingers in someone elses mouth to give them a taste they will kick you in the balls, even if what you are trying to get them to taste off your fingers is theirs in the first place... like cookie dough or something, well, not like cookie dough, not sure what I mean... it is actually more like anything you would try to get someone to lick off your fingers, it probably wouldn't go well regardless...
anyway... I went in and washed my hands...

***
Hey, I was thinking about my wife, right, I think I mentioned her before, and I was thinking that if anything ever happened to her, like she realized what a asshole I am or otherwise was no longer my wife, right, that I would have to (HAVE TO) find someone EXACTLY like her to replace her with, but if I found a replacement that replacement would suck because my wife ROCKS so hard... for real... You cannot remake art... oh, sure, you can replicate pretty close, but you can never match the hotness and class of the original...

one toe over the line...

I was going to type out some of the shit that Uncle Buk said, but how to choose, how to choose, so just go and read it for yourself...
Wikiquote - Bukowski

**
Some of the children in my house are apparently INSANE, which stands to reason, you dig, cause they live in my house...
product of their environment and such...
So... periodically there is much screaming and "to do" (as they say on the streets) and often times it comes completely out of the blue...
"Have some milk" we might say to them
"I don't want milk" they might retort
"Yeah" says us, "but you haven't had any today"
Sudden freak out...
but the thing is... you see, it is like in a movie, like in "the goonies" when the fat kid runs into the freaky dude and the fat kid screams and the freaky dude screams then the fat kid screams then the freaky dude screams, in this scenario I am the freaky dude... someone screams at me and I am all like, "HEY???" and they are like "AHHH" and I am all like "HEY!?!" and they are like "Aaarghh" and I am all like "HEY!!!" and then something else happens... I don't remember what happens at that point, my mind seems to clamp shut at that point, sphincters up (as the kids say nowadays) until it is the size of a pea, only basic bodily functions opperate at that point, and I mean very basic, like only breathing...
I probably shouldn't be talking about this... my enemies might use it against me. I can see them rubbing their hands together now... "Excellent" they are saying to themselves... they will capture me, tie me to a table (naked, cause this is their big chance) and then play sounds of randomly screaming chirrens... and take pictures of my package (again, this is their big chance)... some panoramic shots...
Anyhow, yeah, so this screaming, maybe it is not always screaming... sometimes it is an extended monotonous whine, like feedback... yeah, just like feedback... unsolicited feedback... where they tell me something over and over and over and over and over for several hours... I try to stop it, I use skills and stuff, whats it called, empathy... They will say something like "I'm scared" (in the middle of the day in a well lit room with vanilla scented candles and flowers all around, they are scared) and I will listen and try to find out what it is they are scared of, offer suggestions, hugs, logic and it don't work... Suddenly its an hour later and I realize they have not stopped telling me they are scared the whole time... So I start all over again and it STILL doesn't work...
I remember dealing with something like this when I was working undercover for the man... I was deep undercover, working as a congressional page... got close to this senator, he promised to take me under his wings, show me the ropes... I remember he bought me some beer once, I think it was bad or I drank too much or something, its all a blur, I remember waking up in the morning, naked and sore...
Actually that is completely different...
Like yesterday, it started around, lets see, what time did I get home... Ok, 4:30... I want this, I want that, I don't want this, I don't want that, I'm scared, I cut myself, crap like that... I'm all like, coo coo (like a dove, you know, soft and soothing)... I tried to distract with the great electric babysitter... No Joy... I took her out to the store... she was scared we were going to take the Cordoba, I said, no, your mom has the Cordoba, I miss mommy, she says... Coo Coo... I get her to the car, she screams, there is a leaf on the roof, a scary leaf... I get rid of it and put her in the car... She wants to know where we are going, I tell her we are going to the H-Mart, She says she doesn't want to go to the scary store, I tell her we aren't, we are going to the Korean store, She wants to know if it is scary there, I tell her it isn't, that it is full of tiny people, like her... she tells me she doesn't want to go to the scary store, I tell her (again) that we are not, she tells me she doesn't want to go to the tiny store, I laugh, she screams, I tell her it will be fun, there are wild things to see there... she cries, I don't want to go to the wild store, I tell her it will be cool, don't worry, she tells me she wants mommy... I tell her so do I (BAM!!!)... We get to the store and she wants to know if there is anything scary in there, I start trippin' hard, I swear we went through this earlier... I pick her up and carry her into the store, force her into the cart, she told me she didn't like the store (as we walked in the front doors), she screamed when she saw a scarecrow inside, I hurried by it, grabbed 3 cases of bowl noodle, she asks if we can go now, I tell her NO... I went up and down a couple aisles, tried to distract her... Dude, I said, hey, you wanna see some squid, as soon as I said it I was all like, oh shit.. and she was all like, YEAH!, so I showed her the squid and she thought they were cool, So I showed her the crabs, she freaks, what is happening to the water... I wasn't sure...
Anyhow, we left the store eventually, I stopped back at the house, she wanted to know if mommy was home, I said NO, she wanted mommy, I told her we were just stopping for a minute then would go pick up Noner, she wanted to know if she had to put her shoes on, I told her no... PHEW... Dodged the bullet on that one... We went and got the Noner, got home, I said, hey, here is some candy, relax on the couch, when the big hand is on the 12 you need to get your pajama's on... WHAAAA... do we have to go to bed then? No, just get your pajama's on... WHAAA... do we need to brush our teeth? Yeah, good idea, brush your teeth too... WHAA... Then do we need to go to bed... No, not yet, lets just get it done and see what happens...
Big hand on the 12, they go and GET IN A FIGHT IN THEIR BEDROOM, which involves yelling and stuff... I break it up... I may have even said something like, GODAMNIT KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF, or something... but it was probably much more fatherly and supportive, yes, I am sure it was, anyhow, back to the electric babysitter,
Big hand on the 6... OK, time for bed... WHAA... you said I could wait until mommy gets home... No I didn't... Yes you did... NO, you go to sleep so I can go to sleep, that's the deal... WHAA... can we read a book? NO... WHAA... Are you going to the big bed? NO.. WHAA, I want to sleep in the big bed... NO... I want mommy... NO... I leave the room... DADDY... I'm scared... I want mommy... I need a drink of water... I'm going to throw up...
45 minutes later mommy gets home, I let her take over, I check out... fitfull sleep, but I have trouble sleeping anyhow, I sleep with one eye open (old habit) and wake up ritually every 20 minutes to switch eyes so I don't get all dried up... sure its hard, but thats the life I signed up for (when I say signed up for I really mean genetically programmed and covertly trained, special ops all the way) yo...

**
you know what is a nasty combo? Chili cheese fritos and coffee that has been refilled and let cool down 3 times...
You know whats tasty? Bowl Noodle...
Nong Shim has it going on... in Korea they have Hotels, Mega Marts, Chemical Companies, Damn, all sorts of stuff, but I can't really tell cause I DON'T READ KOREAN...
But LOOK...