Come on just lets go...
DAMMIT!!!
Shit!!
OK, so yesterday, right, the chirrens stayed the night at gramma's house, gonna go get a xmas tree and decorate it and make a general mess, I assume...
So me and the lovely lovely lovely wife went out.
Ran some errands, kinda like an adventure cause there was no one dictating our actions but ourselves.
Had to go and drop some stuff off at peoples houses, right, so we had to drive around and around trying to figure out how to get to the right place.
Round and round we drove, finally found the first house, dropped the stuff off then went to dinner, after dinner we drove and drove, in the dark misty night, it was foggy and dark and I couldn't see shit, but we found the place, dropped the stuff off and went home... see, an adventure...
Ok, so Dinner, right...
we went to this Mexican place in Des Moines, Lago Azul. Good food, somewhat autentico, you dig. I order the Tacos al Carbon. Big old plate shows up with a bunch of beans and rice and 3 big ass tacos (soft) with steak cut up inside... I knew if I ate the whole thing I would suffer for it, so I paced myself, ate half the taco's (exactly HALF, for real, half of 3 is 1 and a half, and that is what I ate). I envisioned eating the rest for lunch the next day (hey, thats today).
I boxed it up, put it in the car as we ran errands, etc... Everything was groovy.
So we get home, and we are getting our crap out of the car. I am talking to the HAWT one as I grab the left overs. I get hers out, I grab mine, and for the life of me I don't know what happened. Serious, I have gone over it and over it in my head, but there is a gap of like 5-10 seconds that I cannot picture... it is a complete blank...
Somehow, I had the container in my hands...
Somehow, I didn't have the container in my hands any longer...
It was there, then it wasn't...
Magic, eh?
No, though, it didn't just "disappear", I knew exactly where it was... it was on the floor of my car. Now, containers like this have a top, a bottom, a front, a back, and 2 sides, totally 3 dimensional, yo...
It could have ended up on the floor of the car completely flat on its top or bottom, could have landed on its side... NO... NO NONONONONONON....
right on the Somehow it landed (or magically reappeared) on the floor of the car, the front side down, BAMdoorjam on the floor, in such a way that it EXPLODED open into the car...
AHHH, thats it... tramatic stress syndrome... thats why I don't remember... it is too terrible to conceive so my natural defenses have kicked in to protect myself... yeah...
Irregardless, end result is food all over the floor...
NOW... now now now... picture in your head for a moment one of these containers... and Mexican food... you have a taco and a half... some beans... and some rice... imagine how these things exist in the world, how heavy and/or viscous they may be... now, and this is where magic is probably the most logical explanation, almost everything came out of the container... almost...
Tacos - Check
Beans - Check
Salsa from all over the beans - Check
Guacamole - Check
Rice - Uh... Rice - uh... Dammit!!!
How the hell can the rice be the only thing that DIDN'T fall out of the friggin container... it was the lightest shit in there, wasn't especially sticky, nothing holding it in, but it was all that was left...
AND AND AND AND... AND it was the thing in the container I wanted least. I don't normally abide by the rice... have no real use for it, well, maybe as filler or something, but yeah... if ONLY the rice had fallen out I would have probably skipped away like a little girl... but DAMMIT!!! beans and tacos, they have value... high value... right up there with getting some action and finding money on the ground... I mean, you know, damn...
SO SO.. SO... So there is this shit all over the floor in the back of the car, it is dark and (after the full impact of the situation hit me) I was pissed...
In the trunk of my car I have jumper cables, I have some tools, a blanket, some water and shit... but what I don't have is a "scoop the shit out off the floor in the back seat area" scoop... really, I looked...
There wasn't even anything I could use to mcgyver some sort of tool out of to get the shit off the floor of the car... So I had to use my hand... my handy hand... I am handy with my hands...
I just dug in and started gooping shit off the floor with my hand, man... Beans with salsa and sour cream and soft taco shell and steak and no rice, man... I just had to scrap and pull and scoop the shit out and back into the to-go container... like some sort of steam shovel, or something, I kept scooping and scooping... and damn if it wasn't hard resisting the urge to lick my fingers, get all the good stuff off 'em, lick it... but I knew, oh lordy do I know, that I was probably getting some other "stuff" off the floor along with the beans and sour cream and guac and steak and soft taco shells (but not rice)... there was the misc "stuff" that results from kids picking up stuff and throwing it on the floor, or dropping off their shoes, or whatnot...
But I don't know, cause it was way dark, and it was cold, and I was blind with the rage... ancient blood boiling in my heart... years of domesticity wiped away... not really, I'm a big puss... but I didn't cry at least, so there is always that...
DAMN... so I scooped it all out, as far as I know, and made the long walk to the dumpster to throw it out... kinda like the walk of shame, I hoped that I wouldn't run into anyone I knew and have to explain what I was up to... and I dumped it... sad but true...
And And And... my handy hand was covered in "stuff" (as I described above) now and I had to walk back to the apartment holding my hand out awkwardly so's not to get any on me... any more on me... still had to resist licking the good stuff off my fingers, you know, the good stuff you get on your fingers that you don't want to go to waste but you can't share with anyone else because if you try to stick your fingers in someone elses mouth to give them a taste they will kick you in the balls, even if what you are trying to get them to taste off your fingers is theirs in the first place... like cookie dough or something, well, not like cookie dough, not sure what I mean... it is actually more like anything you would try to get someone to lick off your fingers, it probably wouldn't go well regardless...
anyway... I went in and washed my hands...
***
Hey, I was thinking about my wife, right, I think I mentioned her before, and I was thinking that if anything ever happened to her, like she realized what a asshole I am or otherwise was no longer my wife, right, that I would have to (HAVE TO) find someone EXACTLY like her to replace her with, but if I found a replacement that replacement would suck because my wife ROCKS so hard... for real... You cannot remake art... oh, sure, you can replicate pretty close, but you can never match the hotness and class of the original...
Shit!!
OK, so yesterday, right, the chirrens stayed the night at gramma's house, gonna go get a xmas tree and decorate it and make a general mess, I assume...
So me and the lovely lovely lovely wife went out.
Ran some errands, kinda like an adventure cause there was no one dictating our actions but ourselves.
Had to go and drop some stuff off at peoples houses, right, so we had to drive around and around trying to figure out how to get to the right place.
Round and round we drove, finally found the first house, dropped the stuff off then went to dinner, after dinner we drove and drove, in the dark misty night, it was foggy and dark and I couldn't see shit, but we found the place, dropped the stuff off and went home... see, an adventure...
Ok, so Dinner, right...
we went to this Mexican place in Des Moines, Lago Azul. Good food, somewhat autentico, you dig. I order the Tacos al Carbon. Big old plate shows up with a bunch of beans and rice and 3 big ass tacos (soft) with steak cut up inside... I knew if I ate the whole thing I would suffer for it, so I paced myself, ate half the taco's (exactly HALF, for real, half of 3 is 1 and a half, and that is what I ate). I envisioned eating the rest for lunch the next day (hey, thats today).
I boxed it up, put it in the car as we ran errands, etc... Everything was groovy.
So we get home, and we are getting our crap out of the car. I am talking to the HAWT one as I grab the left overs. I get hers out, I grab mine, and for the life of me I don't know what happened. Serious, I have gone over it and over it in my head, but there is a gap of like 5-10 seconds that I cannot picture... it is a complete blank...
Somehow, I had the container in my hands...
Somehow, I didn't have the container in my hands any longer...
It was there, then it wasn't...
Magic, eh?
No, though, it didn't just "disappear", I knew exactly where it was... it was on the floor of my car. Now, containers like this have a top, a bottom, a front, a back, and 2 sides, totally 3 dimensional, yo...
It could have ended up on the floor of the car completely flat on its top or bottom, could have landed on its side... NO... NO NONONONONONON....
right on the Somehow it landed (or magically reappeared) on the floor of the car, the front side down, BAMdoorjam on the floor, in such a way that it EXPLODED open into the car...
AHHH, thats it... tramatic stress syndrome... thats why I don't remember... it is too terrible to conceive so my natural defenses have kicked in to protect myself... yeah...
Irregardless, end result is food all over the floor...
NOW... now now now... picture in your head for a moment one of these containers... and Mexican food... you have a taco and a half... some beans... and some rice... imagine how these things exist in the world, how heavy and/or viscous they may be... now, and this is where magic is probably the most logical explanation, almost everything came out of the container... almost...
Tacos - Check
Beans - Check
Salsa from all over the beans - Check
Guacamole - Check
Rice - Uh... Rice - uh... Dammit!!!
How the hell can the rice be the only thing that DIDN'T fall out of the friggin container... it was the lightest shit in there, wasn't especially sticky, nothing holding it in, but it was all that was left...
AND AND AND AND... AND it was the thing in the container I wanted least. I don't normally abide by the rice... have no real use for it, well, maybe as filler or something, but yeah... if ONLY the rice had fallen out I would have probably skipped away like a little girl... but DAMMIT!!! beans and tacos, they have value... high value... right up there with getting some action and finding money on the ground... I mean, you know, damn...
SO SO.. SO... So there is this shit all over the floor in the back of the car, it is dark and (after the full impact of the situation hit me) I was pissed...
In the trunk of my car I have jumper cables, I have some tools, a blanket, some water and shit... but what I don't have is a "scoop the shit out off the floor in the back seat area" scoop... really, I looked...
There wasn't even anything I could use to mcgyver some sort of tool out of to get the shit off the floor of the car... So I had to use my hand... my handy hand... I am handy with my hands...
I just dug in and started gooping shit off the floor with my hand, man... Beans with salsa and sour cream and soft taco shell and steak and no rice, man... I just had to scrap and pull and scoop the shit out and back into the to-go container... like some sort of steam shovel, or something, I kept scooping and scooping... and damn if it wasn't hard resisting the urge to lick my fingers, get all the good stuff off 'em, lick it... but I knew, oh lordy do I know, that I was probably getting some other "stuff" off the floor along with the beans and sour cream and guac and steak and soft taco shells (but not rice)... there was the misc "stuff" that results from kids picking up stuff and throwing it on the floor, or dropping off their shoes, or whatnot...
But I don't know, cause it was way dark, and it was cold, and I was blind with the rage... ancient blood boiling in my heart... years of domesticity wiped away... not really, I'm a big puss... but I didn't cry at least, so there is always that...
DAMN... so I scooped it all out, as far as I know, and made the long walk to the dumpster to throw it out... kinda like the walk of shame, I hoped that I wouldn't run into anyone I knew and have to explain what I was up to... and I dumped it... sad but true...
And And And... my handy hand was covered in "stuff" (as I described above) now and I had to walk back to the apartment holding my hand out awkwardly so's not to get any on me... any more on me... still had to resist licking the good stuff off my fingers, you know, the good stuff you get on your fingers that you don't want to go to waste but you can't share with anyone else because if you try to stick your fingers in someone elses mouth to give them a taste they will kick you in the balls, even if what you are trying to get them to taste off your fingers is theirs in the first place... like cookie dough or something, well, not like cookie dough, not sure what I mean... it is actually more like anything you would try to get someone to lick off your fingers, it probably wouldn't go well regardless...
anyway... I went in and washed my hands...
***
Hey, I was thinking about my wife, right, I think I mentioned her before, and I was thinking that if anything ever happened to her, like she realized what a asshole I am or otherwise was no longer my wife, right, that I would have to (HAVE TO) find someone EXACTLY like her to replace her with, but if I found a replacement that replacement would suck because my wife ROCKS so hard... for real... You cannot remake art... oh, sure, you can replicate pretty close, but you can never match the hotness and class of the original...
posted by Catfish at 10:13 AM
