Me and my Monkey love my wife and hang with Jesus

Actually, and truthfully, I have always loved the woman that is my wife... I am sure I have told ya'll about this a couple times, but maybe I didn't have the time and didn't REALLY tell you about it.  Now I don't really think this part is insane, at least not in the greatest sense of the word...
Now, I will say, that I have this long standing belief, which I have mentioned to anyone who will listen, that I am severely retarded, and don't realize it.  It is like, how would you know, right?  Really, you are just living your life, in your own special way, and things in life happen that you take for granted, and in reality they are special assistance programs or something.  Like the things that you do that you struggle with, either physically or intellectually, are not really all that, nothing that a normal, non retarded person couldn't do without much struggle, except they get to go home and talk about the retard that they had to follow up behind and fix his shit and shit... and so you stumble through life and all it's difficulties, but they really aren't that bad, you just don't know any better.  Because you are mental, you know.  And you work with a bunch of retards (durrr) because, you know, they group you all together, so all these high tech jobs are not really all that high tech and there are actually smarter people behind the scenes that you don't see or recognize, that get all the real hard shit done, but they do it without any struggles...
Where was I going with this?  Uh, I have loved my wife since I first layed eyes on her... I think I was trying to break out back then.  I was barefoot (still am), had stopped wearing underwear, was wearing a flannel shirt/coat deal, baseball cap on backwards with the word LONO written on the brim... Uh, I was on campus at the local community college and didn't know what the fuck I was doing.  I was either in or had just gotten out of a relationship into a crappy relationship and didn't have a job and didn't really know why I was going to college except that I was hoping somewhere along the line something would just friggin' click and I would suddenly be an adult and not a retard or something...  Somewhere in there I had made friends with a band of misfits, and I was talking to one of them in class one day, and he had just shaved his head, but done a really crappy job, there was blood and stray bits of hair still sticking outta his head and it was kinda freaky and I was all trying to talk to him without discussing his head and somehow we discovered that we were both applying to this liberal arts college down the way, and Hey, there was this chick up in the bookstore that was too.  I should go say hi to her or something... I can't remember but do know it was his suggestion.  So I did, and there was this AWESOME chick behind the counter and she was everything I would ever want from a girl on a completely first glance kinda superficial way, you know, and I remember walking through the store killing time and checking her out and finally found something to buy without anyone else in line and I went up there and said Hi and told her I was applying to the same college and I knew this dude that knew her and she totally blew me off.
I probably looked like hell.  I have a history of that, throughout my life.  Never could really find a style or haircut or clothes that really did anything for me... I stick with faded jeans and white t-shirts where I can anymore.
Anyhow, I got her scent, you dig.  I could sense her around campus.  I would see her walking here and there, and being the cute little pitiful retard that I was, I would go in and say Hey to her every once in a while in the bookstore.  I had a girlfriend (so to speak) at the time and welcomed the time away from her and looked forward to having normal conversations with normal people, so I took my changes where I could.
I remember I had this one class, astronomy I believe, and I had a friend that was in the class and we would sit together, and this hot ass chick would come walking in and I was mesmerized and I would point out her beauty to this other dude, and he said something crude once and I was all like, HEY... don't talk about my future wife that way you dickhead.  I remember making my way up to where she usually sat so I could try and sit closer to her... I also remember having her in this first aid class and watching her due mouth to mouth on the resucitator doll and being completely hot and bothered by it.
I think by this time we were on a somewhat civil course, and I mentioned I would try to find her down at the other college... and then she was gone.
And I moved on down there, with my girlfriend, and met another chick at this restaurant that was much cooler than my girlfriend, but not as cool as my future wife, and I told her that she was my number 3, cause, you know, my future wife was my number one and I couldn't wait for her to get down there, but my current girlfriend was my number 2 since she was paying rent, so this other chick could be my number 3 and if all hell broke loose move on up to number one.  She seemed to enjoy this idea and would do things to try and move  up in the rankings, except she talked a LOT... I don't remember her name...
I do remember it was a long summer, and my girlfriend was driving me NUTS and I wanted her to die or at least go away... and I escaped one afternoon and was walking on campus and I remember thinking that she would be there any day, you know, and I wonder where she would be and damn, there were a bunch of cool hippie dudes down there that I would love to punch, but maybe that's what the girls go for down there... anyhow, I was walking across campus when all of a fucking sudden I heard someone calling my name and I looked up and there was my angel.  Holy Shit she looked good, and she was calling me up and was offering me a beer and she had short shorts on and she was awesome and beautiful and I wanted to fall into her arms and let her use her angelic wings to fly me to someplace happy and safe...  We had a beer and it was good.
We were friends based on not really knowing anyone down there and having the same class and I am not sure there was much more to it from her end than that, at first... but we hung out and I was sprung on her and started writing poetry that was about her and obviously not about my girlfriend, and I actually got advice of some sort from her and her roommates on how to dump my girlfriend, which I finally did, and I am not sure when it happened, I think it was a bit before I was officially broken up with my girlfriend that I was hanging out with my future lady, and we were having a good time talking and drinking and smoking and I gave her a mint and said something retarded about how our lips were so close, and we finally kissed... and I never looked back.  It was great, it was fantstic... it was the future.
My monkey was in full affect at that point, I think.  I had like 3 jobs at once, was half assing my way through classes and doing my own thing.  Somewhere in there we expressed love for one another and spent time getting high and playing nintendo.  Somewhere in there she tried to break up with me, and I don't really remember much about the reason, because I try not to think too hard about it, but I remember scrambling and coming up with some sort of something and she stuck with me.  We went home together, she met my friends, and I met her friends, we met each others parents and it seemed so sweet and real and cool, you know...
Shoot, I'm going somewhere with this... I think it was just so easy, beautiful.  We didn't really fight although maybe we should have.  We survived on the edge of poverty.  She exposed me to so many new things, it was like a whole new world opening up.  We were living together, of course, and her parents approved.  I loved her and asked her to marry me and she said yes.  We had a beautiful wedding, which we both agree we would do totally different if we could do it all over again.  We went on a honeymoon and settled into life.
All I ever wanted was to make her happy.  I thought it was my job to do so... Not that I had to suffer to do it, but I thought I had to do things so she wouldn't have to, that I would carry us so she wouldn't have to worry about it, and I supressed my monkey to do this.  It was not so obvious at first, but it became obvious as we went along...  I was not the same guy, and she was not the same girl, but I still loved her more than anything...  Then we had babies so obviously I had to be the rock... and she had to be the rock... and we were starting to go through the motions, you know.  We lost each other a bit, although we were always there for each other and presented a unified front.  But there was less effort.  I felt like there was something more I should be doing, but I was so tired, and often, so drunk...  Being drunk made it better, it was an outlet and all we really had, and it was fun at times... but not like it had been fun before.
I realize now that I felt like I was failing her somehow.  HOW???  I thought I was doing all the things that a grown up man with a wife and kids was supposed to do... and I was tired from doing it, and yet I felt there was something that I should be doing.  So I chose to be paranoid, and disgruntled (a bit) and internalized it, except when there was something really stupid to externalize it over... Bins or something... there were a few other things, I think.  It's all hazy.  I remember not feeling comfortable and going to the doctor and getting put on this drug then that drug then going crazy mental and stopping those drugs and going on some other drugs and then... and then... there was always that, hazing my mind, making it seem not so bad, but it was taking more and more to create that haze... Vodka and Vicodin... can really make life... interesting, I suppose.
Always in there, no matter what I was doing, and how crazy I was making myself, or disgruntled I was making myself from outside influences, I always maintained this bright burning fucking fire in my heart for her.  A big ole bonefire (heh, bonefire) of love and lust for her.  She has always been and continues to be the most beautiful woman I know and I look for happiness in her eyes and smile.  How's that for a heavy load to throw on someone.  How can anyone feel comfortable being worshipped that way.  I suppose it isn't really fair, but it was all I had, you know, and it was what I wanted, to some degree.  It was better than anything else in my life (excluding my kids).
This is the part where I feel like a retard, and we are both retarded, and we are taking care of each other as best we can...  I think it might be harder on her as I can't think of anything I really like to do, although I recognize (now) that I have often been a stick in the mud.  I imagine the normal people looking in on us and thinking that it is a little bit cute, but they would never live that way, but we're retards, so what do we know, you know...
I have been learning, lately, a lot about myself, and giving the monkey the key to the cage... I feel a bit disgruntled, a bit paranoid, a bit sorry to her and for myself... and mostly confused.
You know how you go through life, and you are always told 2 + 2 = 4?  And so you believe it for so long, and one day you are sitting there and someone tells you that 2 + 2 does not equal 4, never has, never will and why do you think it ever had?  And you have to believe them because there is nothing left to believe... but you can't forget how you always believed the answer was 4, and now that it isn't and never has been, what are you supposed to do?  What other equations don't compute?  What else have you been missing because you were so misguided?  What else does the world really mean?  How the fuck are you supposed to roll with that???
Ahhh... but it isn't really that big, is it?  It's just a little thing, a little something something that really doesn't mean a lot, right?  Just a turn of the head, a slight change in course.  The destination is the same, and maybe it's not all rainbows and unicorns, and the path is just to the left of where you thought it was, but you are still on the path together, right?  So what's the big deal?  What's the big deal?
That's what I keep asking myself... I am growing... Oh, my, how I am growing.  Like a lizard or snake or something, it is just the pain of shedding my old skin.  God, I can't wait to get rid of that old skin...
I been talking to Jesus about it.  For real.  And he talks back.  Part of me thinks this is a little crazy, but part of me wonders why I hadn't talked to him before.  I asked him about the Buddha... and he said that the Buddha is cool, and it is fine to find the light within yourself, but you know, sometimes you need a little love and maybe a nice hug.  Wow... and he said that thing about looking for demons around corners, and inventing corners to look for demons around, and suggested that maybe the path I want to take shouldn't have any corners... I like that.
So Jesus, when I see him... Well, the first time I saw him, he was wearing board shorts and a button up shirt that wasn't buttoned all the way and didn't have a beard, and had nice hair.  We just sat and talked, and speaking with someone that doesn't believe, they might say that I was just talking to myself, but you know, I never made that much sense.  And I sat there, next to him, and he smiled at me and told me it was true, that he accepted me and loved me and sure, I might be a fuck up sometimes, but shit happens (he actually said that) and he still loves me and it's all cool, just be there and feel the love.  I am getting there.
I call him Dude, and he is cool with it.  Sometimes I call him Jebus, and he is fine with that... he thinks it's kinda funny.  He doesn't appreciate Metallica, but doesn't mind some good metal (I asked him).  He doesn't have a single favorite, it is all his favorite.
And sometimes I say, Jesus, what about this, or what about that, and he sometimes says, you know, that ain't your problem... and he says, I can help you with you, I can't help you with anything else.
We were talking in a clearing once, walking in circles and not talking because you don't always need to talk, sometimes you just need to be quiet.  Anyway we decided to build a fire, and so I started trying to figure out where to find some wood for a fire and he laughed, and he was all like, does it help you to try and imagine the details like that?  How about if I just start a fire, right here... or would you like to think about building a house and all the steps and issues that go along with building a house?  He was right, I was getting caught up in the details.  So he started a fire and we sat there and we drank a beer together, and he was drinking budweiser, and I was all like, budweiser, and he said he liked the can, thought it was cool, so he drank bud, no big deal...
I talked with him another time and he was wearing jeans and another shirt with buttons down the front that weren't all buttoned... I can't remember what we talked about completely, but we sat by the fire and he brought my wife up to sit next to me, and we just sat there in love and watching the fire and not talking...
Oh, there are other times, moments, where he will ask me if I am making the right decisions or getting off track and I will listen to him, and sometimes I decide he is right and stop what I am doing, and other times I don't, and he loves me just the same.  He recognizes that I have a howler monkey that I have dealings with, and he is cool with that too.  He wants me to be happy, to be free, and to be happy and free with other people, and as long as I don't do it like an asshole it will make others feel happy and free also... and that is what it is all about.  All about me, apparently.
It still makes me nervous, scared, anxious, paranoid, jealous... shoot, what are the other traits that people usually hate in other people?  Add those in there and put my face on it...