Sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell, and cows go in my belly
Me, I'm unemployed. But enough about me, let me tell you...
My wife, she is beautiful. She is a pianist, classically trained, and I think she plays fantastically. I get to listen to her practice a lot. Most of the time it is just part of a piece, played over and over, but sometimes it is a whole piece and she plays it through, sometimes she sings, but I don't understand the words, sometimes. She is going to school (on the sly this quarter) to learn to sing and accompany and shit. She sang at Carnegie Hall last april, got to wander around NY for a while. Everytime we see NY on T.V. she says she has been there... it is so friggin' cute I want to explode sometimes. I am a lucky boy.
We have 2 girls.
The Noner (No-ner), she was born in a hottub in a birthcenter in Redmond. She is smart as a whip. She is in the gifted program at her school and is learning things I don't think I even heard about until I was in Jr. High. She was born with my families mental disposition, though. She is a thinker and a deep feeler. She cares about EVERYTHING. She has the thickest wavy hair, damn...
Her little sister, the little viking, she was born in the O building her at the apartment complex we currently live in. That was on purpose. We had a portable hottub brought in and set up in the living room and that is where she was born. We had a midwife, a midwife in training, a doula and a mother-in-law there. It seemed like it all happened really fast, and I dreamed of white elephants the night before she was born. I think that means something.
SHE is super smart, way to friggin' smart for her own good. Rainman smart, sometimes. She is so f'in gorgeous. She has the most beautiful blond hair, dude, it glows... she is supposedly in Kindergarten (officially) but she ended up getting moved to a mixed K, 1st and 2nd class because she has already accomplished everything a kindergartener is supposed to know to get out of kindergarten. She is already writing complex words and doing math and using circular logic on me. She is stubborn and strong willed and is more like her mother. Oh, she is shy, at first, then watch out.
She is still small enough that I can pick her up and hug her and carry her around. Ahhh and Sigh.
My Dad is a carpenter now, he builds things out of Trex, which is not goddamn plastic wood. He is like 100 years old and can carry small cars on his back and if he somehow slices an artery he just spits on some dirt and packs mud in the wound until it heals.
My mom is a bookkeeper in a grocery store. And a checker. All most all of the customers are rude to her and her feet hurt. She is 100 years old and works 6 days a week.
My one brother, he knocked up this girl he had just broken up with (magically, even though he was using a rubber and she was on 2 types of birth control). She had a daughter. So my brother has a daughter and he loves her to death. Really cute girl, definately has my families genes, and a bit of her mothers. So my brother gets to see her all the time and she rules the roost. My brother has a new girlfriend now, and she is really cool (so thinks I).
My other brother, he does stuff, I guess. I don't think he has had what most people call a "real job" in 10 years. He works with my dad sometimes, does some shit on his own, sometimes, and if he actually does the work you are paying him for he does a fantastic job, it's just getting him to do it. Mostly he sits in bars and plays poker, and sharks people at pool, and I guess he must do other things, I don't really know. I know he hangs out a lot, but where and what, that, my friends, is the mystery. He still lives at home.
Uh, randomly speaking, my one Aunt is in the Honorable representative of the beautiful 36th (36?) district to the House of Representative. She is working the system from the inside now. My Brother-in-Law is an elevator Mechanic and apparently escalators are the deadliest mechanical device known to man. My nephew makes websites, my other nephew supports car dealers, my other nephew is a gym teacher at an elementary school and hunts for ducks. My other nephew is still in school, but also shoots ducks and shit in his spare time. My other nephew is not going to school, or working, or doing much of anything but sleeping.
There are other people, I am just talking, you know...
You wanna nother story?
There was this cow, it started out as a calf. It had an interesting life. It was trying to be born into this world, but it was backwards in its momma's belly. A veterenarian came over and said it was breach, he could tell. He could tell because he stuck his arm (up to the shoulder) up into the momma cows puddin'. While he was all up in there, he yanked and pulled and got the calfs back legs out. They attached some chains to the back legs and hooked the chain to a winch and pulled that calf on out of its momma with a big gooshy plop.
The new cow was tan and it's front legs were all fucked up, broken maybe, but definately bent in ways that they are not supposed to be. So after the momma licked the calf clean and they bonded a bit, the little cow had boards tied to its front legs to straighten them out. They were really just boards and duct tape, but they worked. The cow got stronger and strong and was able to hobble around on its fucked up front legs and finally they took the boards off. Now it was just a regular calf/cow.
The little cow followed the bigger cows arounds and drank milk from its momma's teats... its momma had 4 teats, if it had 5 teats it would have been ABNORMAL.
So it grew, big and strong. It ate grass that was growing on the other side of the fence because that grass was better than the grass on its side of the fence. It ate hay that was dropped in bales randomly around the field. It drank water from a stream, licked a giant brick of salt, then drank more water.
Check it out, as most cows do, it had multiple stomaches, and it would eat stuff and the stuff would go into its first stomach for a little while, but being fibrous, it didn't digest or break down, so the cow would bring it back up after a while and chew it some more, then eventually it would go on down and work its way through the other stomachs.
After this happened, and as the case may be, the cow would be standing around or maybe eating or something, and it would just shit. No preamble, no going to the right place, it would just, you know, shit. Bam or plop. The shit would dry in circular discs and kids would find them and fling them like frisbees (from what I hear).
Also, right, so the cow would be standing there and all of a sudden it would get spooked. It would just be standing there and then all of a sudden it would be like "what the fuck was that" and start running. The other cows, maybe they didn't notice whatever the fuck that was, but they would see the one cow start running and they would start running too.
Sometimes it would be standing there and kids would through rocks at it or shoot it with a bb gun and if it got hit it would look up and be all like "hey" and then go back to doing whatever it was doing.
The cow got bigger and bigger, eating and shitting and licking salt and randomly running for no apparent reason and not running for apparent reasons, and sometime a BIG FUCKING BULL would come around and be all mean and shit because someone had tied a rubberband around its nutsack and its nuts would get all swollen and hang to the ground and apparently just fall off after a while. They HATE it when you do this to them. But then they can't fuck the other cows. Because, you know, who wants a BIG FUCKING BULL going around fucking your cows. NO, if you want your cows to have babies you have some dude come over and stick a tube up the cows puddin and blow some bull semen way up in there... sigh...
Anyway, our little cow ate and ate and got bigger and bigger and was so gently. It would give you big cow licks with its big cow tongue and you could pet it and throw rocks at it when it came over towards you to be pet (they were actually dirt clumps that would EXPLODE when you through them at (and hit) cows.
One day, after a while, the cow was sitting around eating and shitting and this dude came driving up in a small dump truck. He went over to the cow and checked her out, patted her on the side, made sure there weren't no festering open wounds and that the cow was generally healthy. They he took out his big ass revolver and shot the cow through the brains. And the cow was dead.
Postlude:
So the dude with the truck would come over to where the dead cow was laying, right, and he would tilt the dumper on his truck back, and tie a chain to the cows back legs and winch him up into the truck to take him off for butcherin'. Poor little cow started her life winched out of his momma by her hind legs, and left this mortal coil winched up by his hind legs.
I think I ate some of her.
My wife, she is beautiful. She is a pianist, classically trained, and I think she plays fantastically. I get to listen to her practice a lot. Most of the time it is just part of a piece, played over and over, but sometimes it is a whole piece and she plays it through, sometimes she sings, but I don't understand the words, sometimes. She is going to school (on the sly this quarter) to learn to sing and accompany and shit. She sang at Carnegie Hall last april, got to wander around NY for a while. Everytime we see NY on T.V. she says she has been there... it is so friggin' cute I want to explode sometimes. I am a lucky boy.
We have 2 girls.
The Noner (No-ner), she was born in a hottub in a birthcenter in Redmond. She is smart as a whip. She is in the gifted program at her school and is learning things I don't think I even heard about until I was in Jr. High. She was born with my families mental disposition, though. She is a thinker and a deep feeler. She cares about EVERYTHING. She has the thickest wavy hair, damn...
Her little sister, the little viking, she was born in the O building her at the apartment complex we currently live in. That was on purpose. We had a portable hottub brought in and set up in the living room and that is where she was born. We had a midwife, a midwife in training, a doula and a mother-in-law there. It seemed like it all happened really fast, and I dreamed of white elephants the night before she was born. I think that means something.
SHE is super smart, way to friggin' smart for her own good. Rainman smart, sometimes. She is so f'in gorgeous. She has the most beautiful blond hair, dude, it glows... she is supposedly in Kindergarten (officially) but she ended up getting moved to a mixed K, 1st and 2nd class because she has already accomplished everything a kindergartener is supposed to know to get out of kindergarten. She is already writing complex words and doing math and using circular logic on me. She is stubborn and strong willed and is more like her mother. Oh, she is shy, at first, then watch out.
She is still small enough that I can pick her up and hug her and carry her around. Ahhh and Sigh.
My Dad is a carpenter now, he builds things out of Trex, which is not goddamn plastic wood. He is like 100 years old and can carry small cars on his back and if he somehow slices an artery he just spits on some dirt and packs mud in the wound until it heals.
My mom is a bookkeeper in a grocery store. And a checker. All most all of the customers are rude to her and her feet hurt. She is 100 years old and works 6 days a week.
My one brother, he knocked up this girl he had just broken up with (magically, even though he was using a rubber and she was on 2 types of birth control). She had a daughter. So my brother has a daughter and he loves her to death. Really cute girl, definately has my families genes, and a bit of her mothers. So my brother gets to see her all the time and she rules the roost. My brother has a new girlfriend now, and she is really cool (so thinks I).
My other brother, he does stuff, I guess. I don't think he has had what most people call a "real job" in 10 years. He works with my dad sometimes, does some shit on his own, sometimes, and if he actually does the work you are paying him for he does a fantastic job, it's just getting him to do it. Mostly he sits in bars and plays poker, and sharks people at pool, and I guess he must do other things, I don't really know. I know he hangs out a lot, but where and what, that, my friends, is the mystery. He still lives at home.
Uh, randomly speaking, my one Aunt is in the Honorable representative of the beautiful 36th (36?) district to the House of Representative. She is working the system from the inside now. My Brother-in-Law is an elevator Mechanic and apparently escalators are the deadliest mechanical device known to man. My nephew makes websites, my other nephew supports car dealers, my other nephew is a gym teacher at an elementary school and hunts for ducks. My other nephew is still in school, but also shoots ducks and shit in his spare time. My other nephew is not going to school, or working, or doing much of anything but sleeping.
There are other people, I am just talking, you know...
You wanna nother story?
There was this cow, it started out as a calf. It had an interesting life. It was trying to be born into this world, but it was backwards in its momma's belly. A veterenarian came over and said it was breach, he could tell. He could tell because he stuck his arm (up to the shoulder) up into the momma cows puddin'. While he was all up in there, he yanked and pulled and got the calfs back legs out. They attached some chains to the back legs and hooked the chain to a winch and pulled that calf on out of its momma with a big gooshy plop.
The new cow was tan and it's front legs were all fucked up, broken maybe, but definately bent in ways that they are not supposed to be. So after the momma licked the calf clean and they bonded a bit, the little cow had boards tied to its front legs to straighten them out. They were really just boards and duct tape, but they worked. The cow got stronger and strong and was able to hobble around on its fucked up front legs and finally they took the boards off. Now it was just a regular calf/cow.
The little cow followed the bigger cows arounds and drank milk from its momma's teats... its momma had 4 teats, if it had 5 teats it would have been ABNORMAL.
So it grew, big and strong. It ate grass that was growing on the other side of the fence because that grass was better than the grass on its side of the fence. It ate hay that was dropped in bales randomly around the field. It drank water from a stream, licked a giant brick of salt, then drank more water.
Check it out, as most cows do, it had multiple stomaches, and it would eat stuff and the stuff would go into its first stomach for a little while, but being fibrous, it didn't digest or break down, so the cow would bring it back up after a while and chew it some more, then eventually it would go on down and work its way through the other stomachs.
After this happened, and as the case may be, the cow would be standing around or maybe eating or something, and it would just shit. No preamble, no going to the right place, it would just, you know, shit. Bam or plop. The shit would dry in circular discs and kids would find them and fling them like frisbees (from what I hear).
Also, right, so the cow would be standing there and all of a sudden it would get spooked. It would just be standing there and then all of a sudden it would be like "what the fuck was that" and start running. The other cows, maybe they didn't notice whatever the fuck that was, but they would see the one cow start running and they would start running too.
Sometimes it would be standing there and kids would through rocks at it or shoot it with a bb gun and if it got hit it would look up and be all like "hey" and then go back to doing whatever it was doing.
The cow got bigger and bigger, eating and shitting and licking salt and randomly running for no apparent reason and not running for apparent reasons, and sometime a BIG FUCKING BULL would come around and be all mean and shit because someone had tied a rubberband around its nutsack and its nuts would get all swollen and hang to the ground and apparently just fall off after a while. They HATE it when you do this to them. But then they can't fuck the other cows. Because, you know, who wants a BIG FUCKING BULL going around fucking your cows. NO, if you want your cows to have babies you have some dude come over and stick a tube up the cows puddin and blow some bull semen way up in there... sigh...
Anyway, our little cow ate and ate and got bigger and bigger and was so gently. It would give you big cow licks with its big cow tongue and you could pet it and throw rocks at it when it came over towards you to be pet (they were actually dirt clumps that would EXPLODE when you through them at (and hit) cows.
One day, after a while, the cow was sitting around eating and shitting and this dude came driving up in a small dump truck. He went over to the cow and checked her out, patted her on the side, made sure there weren't no festering open wounds and that the cow was generally healthy. They he took out his big ass revolver and shot the cow through the brains. And the cow was dead.
Postlude:
So the dude with the truck would come over to where the dead cow was laying, right, and he would tilt the dumper on his truck back, and tie a chain to the cows back legs and winch him up into the truck to take him off for butcherin'. Poor little cow started her life winched out of his momma by her hind legs, and left this mortal coil winched up by his hind legs.
I think I ate some of her.
Labels: family, story, wide open beavers
posted by Catfish at 7:45 AM
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