Narwhals ROCK!!!
Actually, Narwhals is/are where it is at for me, as far as single tusked animal type friends go.
I mean, they are nothing like unicorns. Totally, even besides the whole living in water (Narwhals) vs. living on the land (unicorns) thing.
Narwhals are naturally loving and sensitive creature, and they smell fantastic. You would think that living in the water all the time and shit they would smell kinda fishy, but THEY DON'T!!! They smell like Vanilla... well not really vanilla... ok, to be honest, they smell like ME!!! See, they smell like this: After I shower in the morning I put on a little patchouli, just a touch, right there on my patch (down there), just in case, then I put some sandalwood on my wrist and a little in my hair... so imagine after a long day how it has worn off a little bit and now imagine I exercised or something, got a little musky, then I put some vanilla extract in my armpits and layed on the couch for a while... THAT is what I am talking about... they smell FANTASTIC like THAT!!!
So that is one difference... Another difference is that they are not all full of themselves. They are very benevolent kinda creatures, they wanna help, just for the sake of helping... and they want to cuddle ALL the time. Which is sad, 'cause they really can't, you know, since they are under water and like 3 times the size of you or me... but they want to... it is their one unrequited desire in life... they just want to, you know, curl up with someone, rub their cheek on, you know, the part of whomever they are cuddled up with that their cheek would be able to rub up on, if they had cheeks... they want that more than anything... One of them told me, I am not supposed to talk about it, it is kind of a secret.
Oh, Dude!!! that and they have HUGE horns... Some of them have 2, but most of them have 1... and you know what?!? They ain't just horns... they have like these nerves or something running through them so they can SENSE things through their horns, and feel things... I mean, serious, you could get all up and rubby on their horns and they would REALLY appreciate it...
Shoot, don't get the wrong idea, it ain't like a boner or something, it just feels good and shit...
Heh, and here's the rub (that's a pun or something), it feels good to rub it. I mean, YOU, if you were rubbing the Narwhals big ass horn would ALSO feel good... so I guess it IS kinda like a boner, you know, 'cause both people feel good about the rubbing going on... anyhow, I digress...
So I would not kill a Narwhal, like I would one of those bastard Unicorns. And steal their horns...
So, anyhow, check it out, I am not saying I would, but if I did, say, kill a unicorn AND a Narwhal and snag their horns, right, and do something like point them at someone... for science, lets say I had these horns and I pointed them at Mr. Kitten Chow... So first I point the unicorn horn at him and he would just get a little tingly, maybe his ballsack would tighten up a little bit or something, he might feel like a backrub or want to smooch or something... now, dig this, imagine I picked up a might Narwhal horn and aimed it at him... now, if I did this, he would get a boner for sure, would probably run upstairs and grease up his back door and put his hair in a ponytail like I like, then he would walk around like some cat in heat, all rubbin up on shit and presenting himself for mounting and shit... If I accidentally actually touched him with the horn he would actually have an spontaneous orgasm (a great big one) and have to leave his underwear in the trash somewhere (I guess it would depend on where we were when I accidentally touched him)...
Just a sliver of Narwhal horn is enough to turn a whole room into a raging orgy... if that was how you wanted to use it...
They do more than that... they are good for mixing up waffle batter... They make a killer stick shift lever if you wanted to customize your car (car go fast)...
I think the thing I like best about Narwhals is they have this incredible sense of justice. They totally know the difference between right and wrong. And they HATE unicorns. Typically they are peaceful creatures, but if the opportunity arose they would totally leap out of the water and spear a goddamn (their words, not mine) unicorn randomly until they either bleed to death or a vital organ was pierced... unfortunately the Narwhals are typically up in the arctic regions where unicorns rarely go...
I would totally love to see a Narwhal vs. Unicorn cage match... uhhh, anyhow, yeah, you know, I had a point...
When I ride the bus, I think of Narwhals and butterflies (even the ones that are actually moths) and wild flowers... oh, and a gentle mountain meadow stream... and the narwhal is in the stream and me and my old lady are skinny dipping in the stream with the narwhal and we get to pet him and rub his horn and I get some action in the meadow and the narwhal gets to watch and a small tear of happiness falls from his eye and runs down where his cheek would be if he had any... and he swims away and I am FANTASTIC...
I mean, they are nothing like unicorns. Totally, even besides the whole living in water (Narwhals) vs. living on the land (unicorns) thing.
Narwhals are naturally loving and sensitive creature, and they smell fantastic. You would think that living in the water all the time and shit they would smell kinda fishy, but THEY DON'T!!! They smell like Vanilla... well not really vanilla... ok, to be honest, they smell like ME!!! See, they smell like this: After I shower in the morning I put on a little patchouli, just a touch, right there on my patch (down there), just in case, then I put some sandalwood on my wrist and a little in my hair... so imagine after a long day how it has worn off a little bit and now imagine I exercised or something, got a little musky, then I put some vanilla extract in my armpits and layed on the couch for a while... THAT is what I am talking about... they smell FANTASTIC like THAT!!!
So that is one difference... Another difference is that they are not all full of themselves. They are very benevolent kinda creatures, they wanna help, just for the sake of helping... and they want to cuddle ALL the time. Which is sad, 'cause they really can't, you know, since they are under water and like 3 times the size of you or me... but they want to... it is their one unrequited desire in life... they just want to, you know, curl up with someone, rub their cheek on, you know, the part of whomever they are cuddled up with that their cheek would be able to rub up on, if they had cheeks... they want that more than anything... One of them told me, I am not supposed to talk about it, it is kind of a secret.
Oh, Dude!!! that and they have HUGE horns... Some of them have 2, but most of them have 1... and you know what?!? They ain't just horns... they have like these nerves or something running through them so they can SENSE things through their horns, and feel things... I mean, serious, you could get all up and rubby on their horns and they would REALLY appreciate it...
Shoot, don't get the wrong idea, it ain't like a boner or something, it just feels good and shit...
Heh, and here's the rub (that's a pun or something), it feels good to rub it. I mean, YOU, if you were rubbing the Narwhals big ass horn would ALSO feel good... so I guess it IS kinda like a boner, you know, 'cause both people feel good about the rubbing going on... anyhow, I digress...
So I would not kill a Narwhal, like I would one of those bastard Unicorns. And steal their horns...
So, anyhow, check it out, I am not saying I would, but if I did, say, kill a unicorn AND a Narwhal and snag their horns, right, and do something like point them at someone... for science, lets say I had these horns and I pointed them at Mr. Kitten Chow... So first I point the unicorn horn at him and he would just get a little tingly, maybe his ballsack would tighten up a little bit or something, he might feel like a backrub or want to smooch or something... now, dig this, imagine I picked up a might Narwhal horn and aimed it at him... now, if I did this, he would get a boner for sure, would probably run upstairs and grease up his back door and put his hair in a ponytail like I like, then he would walk around like some cat in heat, all rubbin up on shit and presenting himself for mounting and shit... If I accidentally actually touched him with the horn he would actually have an spontaneous orgasm (a great big one) and have to leave his underwear in the trash somewhere (I guess it would depend on where we were when I accidentally touched him)...
Just a sliver of Narwhal horn is enough to turn a whole room into a raging orgy... if that was how you wanted to use it...
They do more than that... they are good for mixing up waffle batter... They make a killer stick shift lever if you wanted to customize your car (car go fast)...
I think the thing I like best about Narwhals is they have this incredible sense of justice. They totally know the difference between right and wrong. And they HATE unicorns. Typically they are peaceful creatures, but if the opportunity arose they would totally leap out of the water and spear a goddamn (their words, not mine) unicorn randomly until they either bleed to death or a vital organ was pierced... unfortunately the Narwhals are typically up in the arctic regions where unicorns rarely go...
I would totally love to see a Narwhal vs. Unicorn cage match... uhhh, anyhow, yeah, you know, I had a point...
When I ride the bus, I think of Narwhals and butterflies (even the ones that are actually moths) and wild flowers... oh, and a gentle mountain meadow stream... and the narwhal is in the stream and me and my old lady are skinny dipping in the stream with the narwhal and we get to pet him and rub his horn and I get some action in the meadow and the narwhal gets to watch and a small tear of happiness falls from his eye and runs down where his cheek would be if he had any... and he swims away and I am FANTASTIC...
posted by Catfish at 8:50 AM
<< Home