Just got paid today, got a pocket full of change...
Yeee-arrrrr....
Couldn't sleep last night, at least all the way through... Woke up at 12:30 or so and realized my old lady wasn't in bed... layed there for a while and finally got up to see if she had fallen asleep on the couch or in the girls room or something... she was up and typing at the computer... I stood there behind her for a while before she realized there was a big hairy naked dude standing behind her and she jumped... I went back to bed... got back up a bit after one, still alone and wondered around the apartment trying to get out of my head... went back to bed... wife came to bed... kids end up coming in to the bed... little viking starts talking about being squished... the noner starts coughing and coughing... I try to fall asleep between the coughs, can't do it... finally get up and carry the noner in to her own bed... went back to bed... it was around 3am... must have fell asleep in there somewhere and ended up waking up at 6am, wondering why the hell the alarm didn't go off... drank some cold brew espresso...
Went into the bathroom to get ready for work... just got in there and noticed this BIG FUCKING SPIDER running around... BIG... then it disappeared...
Sat down and tried to do my doodee (heh) but I was distracted, couldn't concentrate, didn't want to be attacked by the spider... kept looking down, decided to shit can it (heh)... saw something move on the other side of the room... it was the BIG FUCKING SPIDER... it had somehow snuck behind me while I was trying to concentrate... I caught it in a cup and put it in the shower, in the cup, upside down (in a cup, upside down, in the shower, going to town, just like the Bearenstein Bears, eh?)... Got in the shower and started the water, took the cup off the spider and it was all curled up in a ball, didn't go down the drain because the water was pushing it back... it was heading right for me... I jumped and shuffled so the spider wouldn't touch me 'cause you know damn well if it touched me it would grab hold and probably eat me or just gnaw on me or something... I started the shower and aimed the water at it to force it towards the drain... it finally went down... I rationalized that I didn't technically kill it, as it was still alive as it went down the drain and if it happened to die it was nature that did it... not my fault, friggin spider brought it on itself... Although now I am thinking that it was probably not the same spider, and that there is probably another BIG FUCKING SPIDER lurking around, or maybe a whole shitload of them, a whole community of them... living under the floorboards and occasionally a scout will come up through some crack just to see whats happening, you know...
I made it out the door (its casual day, yo) and up to the bus stop, there was some gal there, I said howdy, she said howdy, someone drove by and honked at us, I didn't recognize the car, I looked at the lady and she scowled, she said it was for her, it was her car, her phone rang, she yelled at someone I assumed was her son, just coming home from a long night of shenanigans in her car... she yelled, asked if he was going to take the job and start next Tuesday... it made me nervous so I turned on my music...
The bus showed up, it was the same driver as yesterday, the dude that MISSED OUR GODDAMN EXIT ON THE FREEWAY... He had a napkin taped to his steering wheel that said "BRIDGE" on it, you know, to remind him what exit to take...
I sat down and was all hot and sweaty for some reason or other... probably some strange disease coursing through my body and my body is trying to fight the toxins by sweating a lot... I smelled something stale and musty (maybe moldy)... I sweat smells hot and sexy so I knew it wasn't that... I sniffed around... figured it out... it is/was my pants... WTF?!? They smell funny, dammit... I figured everyone was disgusted by me at this point, hot and sweaty and musty and casual...
The driver started chatting about something or other, slow and old and something something, I turned up my music... The squat gal was on the bus, she got off the bus, I have decided that she does NOT look like someone took the butts off of 4 or 5 midgets and mushed them together and stuck them on her... I had decided that she looks more like a person who had maybe, at one point, been a normally proportioned GIANT... perhaps around 8 feet tall, who was magically shrunk down by 50%, except for her butt, which remained the same size as when she was a giant... She got off the bus and walked back on the outside towards me and I decided to look for some feature about her that was not unappealing... I decided she had nice eyes, which her glasses accentuated, although if she took her glasses off her eyes would probably be small and too close together... but the glasses magnify them and make them look larger and the proper distance apart, based on their magnified size...
I got off the bus at the right place since the driver actually followed the route, went to Bartells, bought some Nongshim Kimchi Bowls for 59 cents a piece (YEAH!!!), and a bag of Halls mentho-lyptus cough drops (I like to eat them on the bus)... followed this gal down the hill, she was wearing high heels which meant she had to avoid all the grates and also she had so lean WAY back otherwise she would look like one of those ski jumpers leaning forward off those big jump thingies... you know what I mean... I could have passed her, but it was too entertaining watching her going down the hill...
Finally got to work, ran into some dudes on the elevator, one of them said "Hey Catfish", the other looked at him funny, he explained that I was Catfish, the other dude was still confused... I was pleased... They call me Catfish... so I got in and it was really quiet around here and I decided that since I didn't get a chance to poo at home I would try it here, but there was no way I was going to go into the bathroom on our floor... See, most of the people here are salesmen, and salesmen drink a lot of coffee and apparently eat a lot of greasy food and drink a lot of beer every night, so there is typically a steady stream of people coming and going in the bathroom, making all sorts of hideous sounds and smells... and I need privacy (and no spiders)... So I took the elevator to the 6th floor, down to the Bureau of Land Management or something like that, I know the words Bureau and Land are in there somewhere, but they are apparently government, so of course are not in this early in the morning... The bathroom was mine... I could have set up a tent (WTF?!?) in there if I wanted... There were no spiders and 4 rolls of 2 ply toilet paper in each stall... only think that would have made it any better would have been if the lights had been a little dimmer and there had been some music or something... I did my thing and got back on the elevator... there was some gal on the elevator and when the doors opened on the 6th floor she almost got off, but realized she was on the wrong floor so moved back in, I hit the button for my floor, she was going a couple higher... The doors opened on MY floor and she almost got off again... I was all like, what the hell, pay attention...
Oh, there is this gal that works at the law offices across the hall from us, I often ride the elevator down with her, she is chatty, she fell off her bike last weekend and is all scrapped up, she was up in Ballard, you know, over by the Fred Myer, on that trial that goes behind it, (I agreed that I knew it well even though I have no clue what she was talking about)... She had decided before she went out riding that she was probably going to crash, and sure enough, she was heading over these railroad tracks or something and she decided that, yep, this is where she is going to wipe out, and sure enough she did... I told her I was sorry this happened and SEE YA!!! I was thinking, you know, I bet she digs me... but then I thought, you know, she looks like a gay... then I thought, yeah, that makes sense, she is a gay and likes me because I often throw peoples gaydar off and she thinks I am in the club or something... or she really wants to do it with me, I get that a lot around here too, ladies smiling at me and undressing me with their eyes, touching me and laughing when I say something funny, which is apparently all the time... I try to look them in the eyes, you know, so they don't think I am checking them out and get the wrong idea, but they are always bending over my desk and showing me their boobs, and I get paranoid, like they might get offended if I don't check them out, like maybe I think they are ugly, so I give them a courtesy glance, just to boost their self esteem... They keep asking me why I am called Catfish, and I just smile, and this dude keeps saying they (being catfish) are bottom feeders, and the gals get all glassy eyed and dreamy... yeah...
Couldn't sleep last night, at least all the way through... Woke up at 12:30 or so and realized my old lady wasn't in bed... layed there for a while and finally got up to see if she had fallen asleep on the couch or in the girls room or something... she was up and typing at the computer... I stood there behind her for a while before she realized there was a big hairy naked dude standing behind her and she jumped... I went back to bed... got back up a bit after one, still alone and wondered around the apartment trying to get out of my head... went back to bed... wife came to bed... kids end up coming in to the bed... little viking starts talking about being squished... the noner starts coughing and coughing... I try to fall asleep between the coughs, can't do it... finally get up and carry the noner in to her own bed... went back to bed... it was around 3am... must have fell asleep in there somewhere and ended up waking up at 6am, wondering why the hell the alarm didn't go off... drank some cold brew espresso...
Went into the bathroom to get ready for work... just got in there and noticed this BIG FUCKING SPIDER running around... BIG... then it disappeared...
Sat down and tried to do my doodee (heh) but I was distracted, couldn't concentrate, didn't want to be attacked by the spider... kept looking down, decided to shit can it (heh)... saw something move on the other side of the room... it was the BIG FUCKING SPIDER... it had somehow snuck behind me while I was trying to concentrate... I caught it in a cup and put it in the shower, in the cup, upside down (in a cup, upside down, in the shower, going to town, just like the Bearenstein Bears, eh?)... Got in the shower and started the water, took the cup off the spider and it was all curled up in a ball, didn't go down the drain because the water was pushing it back... it was heading right for me... I jumped and shuffled so the spider wouldn't touch me 'cause you know damn well if it touched me it would grab hold and probably eat me or just gnaw on me or something... I started the shower and aimed the water at it to force it towards the drain... it finally went down... I rationalized that I didn't technically kill it, as it was still alive as it went down the drain and if it happened to die it was nature that did it... not my fault, friggin spider brought it on itself... Although now I am thinking that it was probably not the same spider, and that there is probably another BIG FUCKING SPIDER lurking around, or maybe a whole shitload of them, a whole community of them... living under the floorboards and occasionally a scout will come up through some crack just to see whats happening, you know...
I made it out the door (its casual day, yo) and up to the bus stop, there was some gal there, I said howdy, she said howdy, someone drove by and honked at us, I didn't recognize the car, I looked at the lady and she scowled, she said it was for her, it was her car, her phone rang, she yelled at someone I assumed was her son, just coming home from a long night of shenanigans in her car... she yelled, asked if he was going to take the job and start next Tuesday... it made me nervous so I turned on my music...
The bus showed up, it was the same driver as yesterday, the dude that MISSED OUR GODDAMN EXIT ON THE FREEWAY... He had a napkin taped to his steering wheel that said "BRIDGE" on it, you know, to remind him what exit to take...
I sat down and was all hot and sweaty for some reason or other... probably some strange disease coursing through my body and my body is trying to fight the toxins by sweating a lot... I smelled something stale and musty (maybe moldy)... I sweat smells hot and sexy so I knew it wasn't that... I sniffed around... figured it out... it is/was my pants... WTF?!? They smell funny, dammit... I figured everyone was disgusted by me at this point, hot and sweaty and musty and casual...
The driver started chatting about something or other, slow and old and something something, I turned up my music... The squat gal was on the bus, she got off the bus, I have decided that she does NOT look like someone took the butts off of 4 or 5 midgets and mushed them together and stuck them on her... I had decided that she looks more like a person who had maybe, at one point, been a normally proportioned GIANT... perhaps around 8 feet tall, who was magically shrunk down by 50%, except for her butt, which remained the same size as when she was a giant... She got off the bus and walked back on the outside towards me and I decided to look for some feature about her that was not unappealing... I decided she had nice eyes, which her glasses accentuated, although if she took her glasses off her eyes would probably be small and too close together... but the glasses magnify them and make them look larger and the proper distance apart, based on their magnified size...
I got off the bus at the right place since the driver actually followed the route, went to Bartells, bought some Nongshim Kimchi Bowls for 59 cents a piece (YEAH!!!), and a bag of Halls mentho-lyptus cough drops (I like to eat them on the bus)... followed this gal down the hill, she was wearing high heels which meant she had to avoid all the grates and also she had so lean WAY back otherwise she would look like one of those ski jumpers leaning forward off those big jump thingies... you know what I mean... I could have passed her, but it was too entertaining watching her going down the hill...
Finally got to work, ran into some dudes on the elevator, one of them said "Hey Catfish", the other looked at him funny, he explained that I was Catfish, the other dude was still confused... I was pleased... They call me Catfish... so I got in and it was really quiet around here and I decided that since I didn't get a chance to poo at home I would try it here, but there was no way I was going to go into the bathroom on our floor... See, most of the people here are salesmen, and salesmen drink a lot of coffee and apparently eat a lot of greasy food and drink a lot of beer every night, so there is typically a steady stream of people coming and going in the bathroom, making all sorts of hideous sounds and smells... and I need privacy (and no spiders)... So I took the elevator to the 6th floor, down to the Bureau of Land Management or something like that, I know the words Bureau and Land are in there somewhere, but they are apparently government, so of course are not in this early in the morning... The bathroom was mine... I could have set up a tent (WTF?!?) in there if I wanted... There were no spiders and 4 rolls of 2 ply toilet paper in each stall... only think that would have made it any better would have been if the lights had been a little dimmer and there had been some music or something... I did my thing and got back on the elevator... there was some gal on the elevator and when the doors opened on the 6th floor she almost got off, but realized she was on the wrong floor so moved back in, I hit the button for my floor, she was going a couple higher... The doors opened on MY floor and she almost got off again... I was all like, what the hell, pay attention...
Oh, there is this gal that works at the law offices across the hall from us, I often ride the elevator down with her, she is chatty, she fell off her bike last weekend and is all scrapped up, she was up in Ballard, you know, over by the Fred Myer, on that trial that goes behind it, (I agreed that I knew it well even though I have no clue what she was talking about)... She had decided before she went out riding that she was probably going to crash, and sure enough, she was heading over these railroad tracks or something and she decided that, yep, this is where she is going to wipe out, and sure enough she did... I told her I was sorry this happened and SEE YA!!! I was thinking, you know, I bet she digs me... but then I thought, you know, she looks like a gay... then I thought, yeah, that makes sense, she is a gay and likes me because I often throw peoples gaydar off and she thinks I am in the club or something... or she really wants to do it with me, I get that a lot around here too, ladies smiling at me and undressing me with their eyes, touching me and laughing when I say something funny, which is apparently all the time... I try to look them in the eyes, you know, so they don't think I am checking them out and get the wrong idea, but they are always bending over my desk and showing me their boobs, and I get paranoid, like they might get offended if I don't check them out, like maybe I think they are ugly, so I give them a courtesy glance, just to boost their self esteem... They keep asking me why I am called Catfish, and I just smile, and this dude keeps saying they (being catfish) are bottom feeders, and the gals get all glassy eyed and dreamy... yeah...
posted by Catfish at 10:16 AM
<< Home