You suck because I loved you but you didn't love me back in a timely manner
I wrote an epic email today, to an old friend of mine. It really was poetic and shit... just the right mixture of rambling and imagination, mixed with flowery girlish boy type stuff... I had it broken down into sections so I could address seperate thoughts, uh, seperately... oh, and thouroughly... well, not so thourhough... there was too much illiteration going on to be especially thourough...
So anyhow, 2200 words later, I signed it with a kiss and sent it through the tubes of the interweb... I imagined that it went through the tubes, and in the tubes there were roots and uh, that stuff, you know, like after leaves and stuff sit around for a long time and they become rich and soil nourishing... what's it called? Shit!
Anyhow, it gently floated through the tubes, through the roots of blooming flowers and purfumy orchards and shit... you know, unicorns and soft pillows, that kind of shit... gently and softly my email slips into his email inbox like a lover creeping into bed... Hey baby... I know you're tired, but I want to give you some love, oh, and by the way, I put baby powder on my thighs and have been drinking tequila...
Just exactly like that...
WHAOOOO!!! What a present for someone to receive... I imagine it was absolutely humming, sitting there in anticipation of being read... like some sort of newborn cartoon animal that just wants to be petted... Come On, Come On... it says, open me and pet me and caress me and I will purr for you and flutter my cartoonishly large eyes at you... it's ok to have a boner at this point, because this is for real baby...
Then... and this is hard to say, but I am going to say it anyway... This BRUTE!@!! With big meaty hands (he must have someone else type in his password, hands too manly to operate a keyboard)... Somehow he opens this email... DUDE!!! He should have been blinded by the brilliance, we his pants and got all emotional and shit... but his heart must be stone or something.... or he had sunglasses and those gloves that people that work with molten metal or glass wear... or he's an alien... This BRUTE!!! He doesn't believe in magic... deaf to the music of life or something... can't taste the nectar or smell the horny scent of someone who is good to go (well, taste and smell are very highly related, I think you can't smell if you can't taste, or is it the opposite?)...
IRREGARDLESS.... Definately without any regard me gulped down the gourmet meal I sent to him, didn't stop to taste and savor it... gulped it down and burped and probably drank a coke with it... He must not have, couldn't possible have actually read the full email, not possible...
Sorry, it's getting hard to type, through the tears, I still have to look at the keyboard when I type and the tears, all the tears, hard to see the keys through the kaleidoscope, and the keys are getting slippery and wet... give me a minute...
OK, I think... no, hold on... it's happening again...
Now, yes, now... so this BRUTE... really, one of those philistine's
"Big George: What's a Philistine?
Sally: Well, it's just a real dirty person. "
he just, with total disregard, GLANCES at the email I sent, what's less than a glance? Well, that is what he did, something less than a glance and then he starts pounding on the keyboard (somehow is able to hit reply, or to stick with my theory of having meaty fingers or mittens on so he can't type, grunted out a reply to someone as a form of dictation (me read email, me work now, me say random thing now, you no understand, me happy, me balls itch)) and responds...
Short, terse, the opposite of poetry and unicorns. No soft pillows or lavender... no powdered thighs... no cocaine and chocolate, nothing...
Very business like... openning statement, random directive, reitterate openning statement, kind regards...
I... I feel... right now, I have to tell you... I feel heartbroken... devistated...
Hey baby, I love you with all my heart and soul... only to get a big middle finger, not only a big middle finger, but 2 of them, one on each hand, and then he takes his middle fingers and jabs them into my eyes.... each eye... 2 fingers, 2 eyes... 2 trails of tears... I feel so completely fucked off...
I put my heart, my soul, my emotions, on my sleeve, just put it on out there... HEY!!! and he's all like, oh, we should get a beer sometime...
FUCKER... why don't you take that frosty cold beer and shove it up your ass... tastes great, less filling, up your ass...
Yeah, dude, yeah, why not... lets sit down, have a beer, maybe a couple shots on the side??? We can sit down, somewhere comfortable, right across from each other and have a couple tasty frosty cold bears and some shots and relax a little bit, and once we feel a little bit more comfortable we can talk... "Catch up on old times"... sure, that sounds GREAT... Really... no... Really... lets do it... we can sit and talk and everytime you move your hands I will flinch, 'cause you're a BRUTE!!! Oh, please don't hit me... I was just trying, you know, I was just saying... please don't hit me...
Yes... Yes, ok, I will have another beer... whatever you say... pretzel, no thanks, I don't like... ok, I mean... yes, I would love a pretzel... please, just don't hit me...
fuckin' brute...
Sorry, give me a minute... tears again... I was just thinking, it's hard, you know, but I was just thinking... oh, this is hard... but, you know... I was just thinking, you know, that I like, well, you know, I kinda said, well, things, all pretty like... I put it all out there, and I was, you know, just kinda... FUCK!!! ok, I am just going to say it... I was hoping you would say you loved me too... There... I said it...
I mean, it was obvious, wasn't it??? Someone doesn't sit down and bleed straight out of their heart, openning their life force to someone else, you know, and not expect the kiss of life right on back... Dude, I was drowning in it, and all you had to do was reach in and give me a hand!!! Just give me your fucking hand... pull me out of the pool... I can't swim in here alone... But NOOOO. NO! NO! NO! You reach back and push me under...
But you know what, well besides fuck you? You know what? I will tell you... that pool I am drowning in? You know that one? Well it is a pool of Love! LOVE LOVE LOVE (big pink fluffy hearts here)... You think you can just slap me down and drown me in it? Well, I tricked you, because, sure, I am drowning in a pool of love, but you can't die from that (well, you can, but that is a twisted kind of pool of love) and furthermore, when you were pushing me under, you got some on you... HAHAHAHAHAA... and it doesn't come off... you got Catfish pool love wet all over your hands... don't bother trying to wipe it off... use it like a lubricant... let the wet Catfish love you got all over your hands be your guide...
Just think about it, ok?
So anyhow, 2200 words later, I signed it with a kiss and sent it through the tubes of the interweb... I imagined that it went through the tubes, and in the tubes there were roots and uh, that stuff, you know, like after leaves and stuff sit around for a long time and they become rich and soil nourishing... what's it called? Shit!
Anyhow, it gently floated through the tubes, through the roots of blooming flowers and purfumy orchards and shit... you know, unicorns and soft pillows, that kind of shit... gently and softly my email slips into his email inbox like a lover creeping into bed... Hey baby... I know you're tired, but I want to give you some love, oh, and by the way, I put baby powder on my thighs and have been drinking tequila...
Just exactly like that...
WHAOOOO!!! What a present for someone to receive... I imagine it was absolutely humming, sitting there in anticipation of being read... like some sort of newborn cartoon animal that just wants to be petted... Come On, Come On... it says, open me and pet me and caress me and I will purr for you and flutter my cartoonishly large eyes at you... it's ok to have a boner at this point, because this is for real baby...
Then... and this is hard to say, but I am going to say it anyway... This BRUTE!@!! With big meaty hands (he must have someone else type in his password, hands too manly to operate a keyboard)... Somehow he opens this email... DUDE!!! He should have been blinded by the brilliance, we his pants and got all emotional and shit... but his heart must be stone or something.... or he had sunglasses and those gloves that people that work with molten metal or glass wear... or he's an alien... This BRUTE!!! He doesn't believe in magic... deaf to the music of life or something... can't taste the nectar or smell the horny scent of someone who is good to go (well, taste and smell are very highly related, I think you can't smell if you can't taste, or is it the opposite?)...
IRREGARDLESS.... Definately without any regard me gulped down the gourmet meal I sent to him, didn't stop to taste and savor it... gulped it down and burped and probably drank a coke with it... He must not have, couldn't possible have actually read the full email, not possible...
Sorry, it's getting hard to type, through the tears, I still have to look at the keyboard when I type and the tears, all the tears, hard to see the keys through the kaleidoscope, and the keys are getting slippery and wet... give me a minute...
OK, I think... no, hold on... it's happening again...
Now, yes, now... so this BRUTE... really, one of those philistine's
"Big George: What's a Philistine?
Sally: Well, it's just a real dirty person. "
he just, with total disregard, GLANCES at the email I sent, what's less than a glance? Well, that is what he did, something less than a glance and then he starts pounding on the keyboard (somehow is able to hit reply, or to stick with my theory of having meaty fingers or mittens on so he can't type, grunted out a reply to someone as a form of dictation (me read email, me work now, me say random thing now, you no understand, me happy, me balls itch)) and responds...
Short, terse, the opposite of poetry and unicorns. No soft pillows or lavender... no powdered thighs... no cocaine and chocolate, nothing...
Very business like... openning statement, random directive, reitterate openning statement, kind regards...
I... I feel... right now, I have to tell you... I feel heartbroken... devistated...
Hey baby, I love you with all my heart and soul... only to get a big middle finger, not only a big middle finger, but 2 of them, one on each hand, and then he takes his middle fingers and jabs them into my eyes.... each eye... 2 fingers, 2 eyes... 2 trails of tears... I feel so completely fucked off...
I put my heart, my soul, my emotions, on my sleeve, just put it on out there... HEY!!! and he's all like, oh, we should get a beer sometime...
FUCKER... why don't you take that frosty cold beer and shove it up your ass... tastes great, less filling, up your ass...
Yeah, dude, yeah, why not... lets sit down, have a beer, maybe a couple shots on the side??? We can sit down, somewhere comfortable, right across from each other and have a couple tasty frosty cold bears and some shots and relax a little bit, and once we feel a little bit more comfortable we can talk... "Catch up on old times"... sure, that sounds GREAT... Really... no... Really... lets do it... we can sit and talk and everytime you move your hands I will flinch, 'cause you're a BRUTE!!! Oh, please don't hit me... I was just trying, you know, I was just saying... please don't hit me...
Yes... Yes, ok, I will have another beer... whatever you say... pretzel, no thanks, I don't like... ok, I mean... yes, I would love a pretzel... please, just don't hit me...
fuckin' brute...
Sorry, give me a minute... tears again... I was just thinking, it's hard, you know, but I was just thinking... oh, this is hard... but, you know... I was just thinking, you know, that I like, well, you know, I kinda said, well, things, all pretty like... I put it all out there, and I was, you know, just kinda... FUCK!!! ok, I am just going to say it... I was hoping you would say you loved me too... There... I said it...
I mean, it was obvious, wasn't it??? Someone doesn't sit down and bleed straight out of their heart, openning their life force to someone else, you know, and not expect the kiss of life right on back... Dude, I was drowning in it, and all you had to do was reach in and give me a hand!!! Just give me your fucking hand... pull me out of the pool... I can't swim in here alone... But NOOOO. NO! NO! NO! You reach back and push me under...
But you know what, well besides fuck you? You know what? I will tell you... that pool I am drowning in? You know that one? Well it is a pool of Love! LOVE LOVE LOVE (big pink fluffy hearts here)... You think you can just slap me down and drown me in it? Well, I tricked you, because, sure, I am drowning in a pool of love, but you can't die from that (well, you can, but that is a twisted kind of pool of love) and furthermore, when you were pushing me under, you got some on you... HAHAHAHAHAA... and it doesn't come off... you got Catfish pool love wet all over your hands... don't bother trying to wipe it off... use it like a lubricant... let the wet Catfish love you got all over your hands be your guide...
Just think about it, ok?
Labels: pour my heart out, ramble, Stackhouse
posted by Catfish at 12:30 PM
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