Unicorns are gay, believe it or not!!!

So I was picking some of the last wild flowers for the year, you know, to press in my memories book, when this unicorn came walkin' up to me. Dudem, he was wicked drunk and he was trampling all over the flowers I was trying to pick...
I tried to ignore him, but he just stood there swayin' back and forth and looking down at the flowers then back to me then back to the flowers...
He finally made eye contact with me (dammit) and he said:
"I'm drunk!"
I was all like, no shit... but it came out like:
"Yeah???"
and he nodded his head and said something like yep or something...
Then he let this big fart, but it was all chunky and he got some dingle berries in his tail and I was all like:
"Jesus Christ!!! What have you been eating?!?" 'cause it was all stinky and chunky...
He kinda raised his head and said:
"HEY!!!" then he laughed and said "heh, HEY... HAY... HEY HAY, HEY HAY HAY..." and laughed and laughed and laughed and then puked all over the flowers I was trying to pick.
"Whoa..." he said, then started laughing again... "HEH, WHOA!!!"
I started walking away and the Unicorn screamed at me:
"Don't you want your flowers?!?!"
"Not after you just puked all over them!"
"There's nothing wrong with these flowers!" he said and started eating them... I couldn't believe it, but you know, I really could, 'cause Unicorns are gross evil creatures anyhow...
He came walking up to me and was waiving his horn in my face and started talking all sorts of shit...
"Unicorns aren't gay, you know..." he told me... "We really aren't. In fact, I don't know 1 gay unicorn! We be all about the ladies, you know what I mean?"
I was all like: "Dude, Unicorns are SOOO gay!!!"
and he was all like: "No, really, we aren't... You know what else??? Rainbows! Rainbows aren't gay either! You know why everyone thinks Rainbows are gay? It's because of the people that go searching for the pot of gold at the end. The pot of gold is owned by Leprichauns, and Leprichauns are total homo's!!! They have these big ol' pots with a little bit of gold at the bottom and when you bend over to grab the gold they sneak up behind you and totally force buttsex on you. Well, maybe they ain't completely gay, maybe they just like the back door action, you know, 'cause they do it to women too...".
Then he puked again... I thought about leaving but this was way too fascinating, so I stuck around.
"You know what? Women who drive Buick LeSabre convertables. All of them, total dykes.
He started going off at that point, into places I didn't want to be... and he stunk and I had a feeling that there was something going on anyhow, in the gay world, where they were trying to appropriate everything for themselves...
But then I started thinking, you know, I bet that is what that Unicorn wanted me to think... I mean really, Unicorns are totally gay, and not in one of those, "oh, that's totally gay!" kinda ways, but in one of those "all unicorns are total fags" kinda ways...
Then I got all confused, because there was nothing inherently evil about being gay, there were just some evil gay people... and I like most gay people.
So I went over to see my Narwhal friend and I told him about it and he was all like: "Dude! Pull your head out of your Ass! Of course he was fuckin' with you. Unicorns are of the Devil, and they are total homo's. And Rainbows are too! And chicks that drive Buick LeSabre convertibles. All that stuff is gay."
And I knew he was right, 'cause we had been friends for so long, you know, we could be totally honest with each other. Besides, Narwhals are straight shooters.

*********
So I went in for my sleep study last week... Thursday of last week... not I have to wait for 2 weeks for the dr. to look over the results and see if there is anything else wrong with me besides the RLS thing. It was interesting but I won't bore you the general details since all I really did was go in, get a bunch of wires hooked up to me and then went to sleep.
I will mention, that when you get there they measure your head and stuff and make marks all over your body with a red grease pen, then attach the electrods with a bunch of gloppy glue, then watch every move you make with a camera that can see in the dark...
I was only aware of a little bit of this when I started bein' all smooth up on the technician the next morning, like I do, you know, while she was plucking all the wires off... After she left I went into the bathroom and my hair was all over the place and I had red marks all over my face from the grease pen and globs of glue all over my face and I am pretty sure I smelled like hell from general morning odor type shit... damn...

Narwhals ROCK!!!

Actually, Narwhals is/are where it is at for me, as far as single tusked animal type friends go.
I mean, they are nothing like unicorns. Totally, even besides the whole living in water (Narwhals) vs. living on the land (unicorns) thing.
Narwhals are naturally loving and sensitive creature, and they smell fantastic. You would think that living in the water all the time and shit they would smell kinda fishy, but THEY DON'T!!! They smell like Vanilla... well not really vanilla... ok, to be honest, they smell like ME!!! See, they smell like this: After I shower in the morning I put on a little patchouli, just a touch, right there on my patch (down there), just in case, then I put some sandalwood on my wrist and a little in my hair... so imagine after a long day how it has worn off a little bit and now imagine I exercised or something, got a little musky, then I put some vanilla extract in my armpits and layed on the couch for a while... THAT is what I am talking about... they smell FANTASTIC like THAT!!!
So that is one difference... Another difference is that they are not all full of themselves. They are very benevolent kinda creatures, they wanna help, just for the sake of helping... and they want to cuddle ALL the time. Which is sad, 'cause they really can't, you know, since they are under water and like 3 times the size of you or me... but they want to... it is their one unrequited desire in life... they just want to, you know, curl up with someone, rub their cheek on, you know, the part of whomever they are cuddled up with that their cheek would be able to rub up on, if they had cheeks... they want that more than anything... One of them told me, I am not supposed to talk about it, it is kind of a secret.
Oh, Dude!!! that and they have HUGE horns... Some of them have 2, but most of them have 1... and you know what?!? They ain't just horns... they have like these nerves or something running through them so they can SENSE things through their horns, and feel things... I mean, serious, you could get all up and rubby on their horns and they would REALLY appreciate it...
Shoot, don't get the wrong idea, it ain't like a boner or something, it just feels good and shit...
Heh, and here's the rub (that's a pun or something), it feels good to rub it. I mean, YOU, if you were rubbing the Narwhals big ass horn would ALSO feel good... so I guess it IS kinda like a boner, you know, 'cause both people feel good about the rubbing going on... anyhow, I digress...
So I would not kill a Narwhal, like I would one of those bastard Unicorns. And steal their horns...
So, anyhow, check it out, I am not saying I would, but if I did, say, kill a unicorn AND a Narwhal and snag their horns, right, and do something like point them at someone... for science, lets say I had these horns and I pointed them at Mr. Kitten Chow... So first I point the unicorn horn at him and he would just get a little tingly, maybe his ballsack would tighten up a little bit or something, he might feel like a backrub or want to smooch or something... now, dig this, imagine I picked up a might Narwhal horn and aimed it at him... now, if I did this, he would get a boner for sure, would probably run upstairs and grease up his back door and put his hair in a ponytail like I like, then he would walk around like some cat in heat, all rubbin up on shit and presenting himself for mounting and shit... If I accidentally actually touched him with the horn he would actually have an spontaneous orgasm (a great big one) and have to leave his underwear in the trash somewhere (I guess it would depend on where we were when I accidentally touched him)...
Just a sliver of Narwhal horn is enough to turn a whole room into a raging orgy... if that was how you wanted to use it...
They do more than that... they are good for mixing up waffle batter... They make a killer stick shift lever if you wanted to customize your car (car go fast)...
I think the thing I like best about Narwhals is they have this incredible sense of justice. They totally know the difference between right and wrong. And they HATE unicorns. Typically they are peaceful creatures, but if the opportunity arose they would totally leap out of the water and spear a goddamn (their words, not mine) unicorn randomly until they either bleed to death or a vital organ was pierced... unfortunately the Narwhals are typically up in the arctic regions where unicorns rarely go...
I would totally love to see a Narwhal vs. Unicorn cage match... uhhh, anyhow, yeah, you know, I had a point...
When I ride the bus, I think of Narwhals and butterflies (even the ones that are actually moths) and wild flowers... oh, and a gentle mountain meadow stream... and the narwhal is in the stream and me and my old lady are skinny dipping in the stream with the narwhal and we get to pet him and rub his horn and I get some action in the meadow and the narwhal gets to watch and a small tear of happiness falls from his eye and runs down where his cheek would be if he had any... and he swims away and I am FANTASTIC...

I like riding the bus

I like to ride the bus.
I look out the window and try to peak into all the cars that go by, see if I can spot anyone doing anything naughty, you know. I have seen dudes with beer, seen dudes with marijuana pipes, seen people picking their noses, etc... It's always the dudes doing something naughty, or at least not legal. Where's all the chicks driving down the road with the hoo-has hanging out? Or their skirts hitched up around their waists? Dammit, only thing I ever see chicks doing is talking or texting on their phones or maybe putting on make-up... Or looking at maps... Damn...
Most of the time, and this is twisted, I look for people I might know but don't want to know any longer... You know what I mean? Like people I used to know but would try to avoid if I saw them while I was walking in the mall... Well, actually, sometimes I am just looking for someone I might know but haven't seen in a long time and if I did see them walking down the mall I would try to bump into, unless of course they saw me first and took the appropriate action to avoid me... hhmmnn, I wonder if this happens all the time and I just don't realize it... hmmnnn...
If I did see someone I knew while I was riding on the bus there isn't much I could do about it, I think that might be the beauty of it... It's not like I can shout out at them, or knock on the window to try and get their attention, and even if I could somehow get their attention and they saw me and I saw them it would only be for a moment and there couldn't be any meaningful exchange of information... it would turn into one of those deals where I would be able to tell my lovely wife, Hey, guess who I saw while I was riding on the bus and they were driving by in a single occupancy vehicle contributing to traffic... and she would shrug or maybe say something like: Who? and I would say: this dude I used to know...
And it would most likely be a dude I used to know, if I were to bring it up...
It is very unlikely that I would say, HEY, I saw my ex-girlfriend driving down the road and she looked fabulous. Or she still had a unibrow although I had never noticed this fact myself in the time that I had known her although it is probably true because the last one didn't like to, uhhh, be feminine or something, shave her places and stuff, generally anything that you would read about in a woman's magazine about how to maintain your parts, that kind of thing... yeah, I wouldn't mention that...
Sometimes, when I am on the bus, I just kinda hide, HEY, like yesterday... I accidentally made eye contact with David, thats the retarded dudes name, David, and he looked like he wanted to make friends with me... Dude, he was heading right for me, and I didn't have anywhere to run, so I became extremely interested in my book, it was the only thing in the world that existed, OH, sorry, didn't see you standing there. He ended up sitting and talking to this dude that was in the seat right next to me, I think it went like this:
Dude: Oh-oh, here comes trouble.
David: DRRrrrrrr, here comes trouble.
Dude: Who do you think is going to win dancing with the stars?
David: UHhhmm, Drrrr... I don't know.
Dude: What about american idol, did you vote for anyone.
David: Uhhh, DRRR, YES!!!
Dude: Who?
David: Uhhh, DRRRrrrr..
Dude: Do you watch those shows?
David: Drrr... NO!!!
I had about enough at about this point and cranked up my Senheiser PMX100's to drown it out... It worked pretty good, for a moment or two, then I saw some movement and looked up and David was switching seats, so he was right across from me, and looking at me... I looked down and didn't move, maybe if I didn't move he wouldn't see me... I would sneak a peak every once in a while and he was just sitting there... but, but then, he started digging in his mouth... Dude, that was how it started last time, remember that, with the puddle, yeah... There was no puddle this time though, he was just digging around in there... apparently not finding anything, although I hate to think of what he might have lost... I bet he is one of those dudes that swallows things and you hear about on the interwebs when they talk about strange things found in peoples stomaches after they go to the doctor complaining of a stomach ache... anyhow, he ended up getting tired of sitting there and so he moved again... so then I was all alone with these 2 punks in the back... they looked like they had had a rough day, all sprawled out and quiet... one of them looked like he was about 13 but he had a smoke behind his ear, I didn't really look at the other dude... They left me alone until we got off the freeway then one of them started waving at me and said something about how he liked my ring, I said thanks and put my headphones back on and he kept talking but I pretended I didn't hear him, pretended so well that I have no idea what he said... instead of hearing his actual words I pretended he was making rainbows... that he was a unicorn and when he whinnied rainbows appeared and it was warm out and slightly damp because there had been a gentle sprinkle a minute before and now the flowers were blooming... that dude rocked...