Dammit,
Wrote like 1470 words of crap, all touchy feely emotional roller coaster type stuff where I spout off and interject amusing asides for balance, and the whole time I worry about how it is going to be received which makes me feel like a big puss... then I realized that, you know what, I can just delete it... mos of it can be summed up in a few words, and you know how I like to do that... in a nutshell:
Chuck Norris, Holden, death, myspace, change, hobbies, AAARGGGHHGHGH... ok, enough of that... damn...
**
so last night I dreampt about our friends, they just had a baby... so I dreampt that we went to see them and the baby was beautiful. We were all happy and the parents were proud. They decided to have another one, right away, and it was real fast... we went to see them, I was outside and it was dark out. The happy mother was up in the air like a firework, shooting up then she exploded. The sparks were all darks like black fire or something... I was all like, oh shit. So I went inside and everyone else was already in there and the new baby (a boy) was there. He was up on the top bunk of some bunkbeds (wtf) and was like already starting to hold himself up. He swung his head around when I came in. I could tell he was evil...
It was strange, cause one was good (Holden) and the other was obviously not good. And either noone else noticed or they wouldn't admit it and I couldn't really ask right then and there, you dig...
Then, of course, I was back at the old school, and couldn't remember my combo or what class I was supposed to be in, but I have been through that so many times that I didn't really care... then there was some girl that liked my, which I thought was cute, and nothing would come of it, but then she met me behind the gym and wanted to get to know me better, and kept running off, and every time she ran off I was like, hey, I gotta tell her I am married... Then I would think, do I really need to tell her? Then I was all like, yes, yes I do (I couldn't even get some on the side in my dreams)... so she comes back and goes and comes back and goes and I am all a big sucker and sitting there waiting for her and she finally comes back and says she just can't do this, she has a boyfriend and something or other... and I was all upset because I never got the chance to be noble... and I would have, even though it was taking me forever to get there...
Then, of course, I can't find my car, because I don't know which car I should be looking for, was it the VW or the Mustang II... I want it to be the VW, but then I remember I didn't have the VW in highschool and the Mustang is dead...
There is always an undertone of wanting to fight the power in these dreams, but never the opportunity to actually do it... because I know so much more now and think I got it all worked out so could totally fight the man, but it doesn't really matter and noone really cares... so I end up just wandering around...
It is funny, cause when I have time in these dreams I always think, hey, I should go find my old lady, I always want to find my wife when she was in highschool and fall in love with her... isn't that funny... I always assume she wouldn't give me the time of day if I did find her, but I know her so I could totally woo her or something... since I am so slick now...
**
I will say it again, Myspace is evil...Society at its worst... people left to their own devices with no real rules or consequences until they finally decide to "hook up" for rizzle and find out that they have no interpersonal skills and suddenly all that loved they shared isn't real... ahh, I could go on and on... but I will leave it at that, cause I gots better stuff to talk about...**THE SECOND COMING OF CHUCK NORRIS Chuck must be on his deathbed, because I met his embodiment this weekend... Holden!!! Dude is hard core!!!He came outta his mommas vaginis face up, so as not to be caught off guard. To test him the nurses took turn sticking needles in his feet and eyes and under his fingernails, but he wouldn't cry, not him... wouldn't make a sound, just burned holes of hate into the nurses...And his eyes, his eyes can see for miles and miles. You can tell, when he looks at you, he is looking into your sould, can sense your every weekness and is ready to kill you, should the need arise.But so far he has been benevolent, from what I hear he has not actually had to kill anyone yet, although he did break a nurses arm, just to put everyone on notice...I am a little worried, he looked at me, he knows I exist at this point, and I believe he may just be toying with me... I am living in fear that there will be a tiny knock on the door and when I open it... yep, death... ('cause: 1) death comes knockin. 2) Holden is polite and wants to look you in the eyes before he kills you, 3) it is probably not if but when)but seriously... went to see Holden on Sunday, and it was fantastic... good times...The Mother and the Father are happy, Holden is gorgeous, everything is shiny and new...It was weird... Mom decided she had to feed the baby for some reason, and so we all had to leave, which is cool, so the 4 of us in my family, and 4 in our friends family, and the Daddy all ended up in the cafeterium downstairs... I started thinking about the different times we (the adults) had all been in the same room, like 8 years ago, maybe more, first time I met my friends wife, they were just aquaintences then, I have a picture of my lovely wife from that night... we are so far away from that now... so totally far away from that... I am pretty sure that most of you know what I am talking about... well, maybe not...It was just strange, I traveled back to like 10 years ago, whatever, and there was just 5 of us... then back to the present, and there were 9 of us... and the world, as it exists, revolves around the littlest and youngest of us... You know... they are not outsiders, they are part of US... and, uh... damn, I don't know, something about having kids and getting older and stuff... not regretfull at all, just noticing things...***For the record, once again, I hate going in the mens room... I really really hate hearing grunting and straining coming from the stalls... aaarrghghgh...***Ok, here's the thing, I have been thinking lately about... me. Like, what do I want to do. Now, this is not midlife crisis, not yet, although I look forward to getting the hot car, and maybe some leather pants... it is more literal than that... I am seriously trying to think of something that I want to do... Say I take a day or two off, complete freedom, what do I want to do? Hell, I don't know... but it shouldn't be that hard. Damn, the only thing I can really think of is cooking. I have fond memories of spending the day in the kitchen making a pan of lasagna (noodles and everything) or cooking that fantastic friggin pork... yeah, I want to do that... but damn dude, there must be more to life than that... like shouldn't I want to do something outside the house? Bowling sounds fun, kinda, I guess, although I don't really think it is a destination, you dig... I like driving around, but it is always aimlessly, and the fam doesn't really seem to dig that (and if the noner is in the front seat I may go crazy, chick has the busiest hands in the world). Hell, I can sit here and name off half a million half assed things and not get any further ahead... Does this make any sense? Shouldn't I have some interests or hobbies or something? And when I really boil it down, you know what it is? I am scared of turning into my dad. I don't want to work and work and work and then have nothing outside that. I don't want to fill my "free" time with catching up on the things that need to get down but I hadn't gotten around to. But I can't think of anything to DO... I think I will try to incorporate my children into a "hobby" or something... they seem to be around all the time, so, you know, what the hell, may as well... maybe, like, teach them things, how to be good citizens or dial 911 or something... maybe we could take up firearms, so when the soviets start dropping paratroopers and we have to run to the hills to form a resistence, me and the children can snipe at the bad guys... eventually we will have to work out how to pee in a radiator when we run out of water, but I think if we focus on killing people with guns we should be ahead of the curve... So yeah, what about me... Customer service is/has ruining/ruined me... Back in the day, dude could scat, seriously talk some shit... now, after years of customers, I can't have any sort of in depth conversation any longer... small talk, sure... superficial vanilla blah blah, yeah, in my sleep... but man, I used to be able to sit down with people and actually talk about shit, I like to believe... could sit with people and have exchanges, discuss, yeah... now I have akward silences and when people talk I just listen, occasional have some spastic tourettes vocal diarrhea (spouting shit)... ahh shortcomings...Dude, I used to be taller... I used to be thinner... I used to drive a truck... I used to drink bourbon every night... heh, yeah... time to move ahead... I wish I felt sorry for myself or something, Pity me, Pity me... but I don't... I am just looking towards the future, while remembering the past and hoping to make myself better...Like by not eating food (heh, I almost spelled it fud) with high fructose corn syrup, which is the myspace of modified food products, pure evil and stupid... but yeah, so I am not going to be a nazi about it, but as I make decisions in my day about what to eat out of the vending machine, or somewhere, I will remember that I am not eating certain things, so will not buy it and thus maybe drop a few pounds, easy pounds... Drink more water... spend time with my kids, spend time with my wife, whom I love more than life itself, but worry that I am telling her I lover her too often, that she is cute too often and it is getting old... Dude, haven't smoked for like 3 months now, how about that... I CAN break habits... insert something about foolish consistencies here...Oh, hey, remember how I mentioned that I was going to write some cohesive collection of things and try to put them together like a story or something? yeah, never did that... hmmnnI know this dude, he is going to become am adult film producer... yeah, I may have to show him the ropes... angles and whatnot... how to get the proper angle of ball dangle... stuff like that... maybe do something kinky like put GIRLS in the films... yeah... I hear there is a big market for male on female action... I think in order it is something like, g on g, just g, b on g, pirates, then b on b with a girl in there somewhere, then b on b... yeah... something like that... If he wants I will consult for him... throw me a couple bones and put my name in the credits and we can call it good... call me**Ahh, holy moley, what was all that about... most likely fueled by coffee... all out of rage...

a liar, liar pants on fire...

You know...
I had some pictures, and I put them up, and even as I was doing it I was thinking... they really do not do justice to the characters...
We'all and ya'll have a picture in your head of what these people look like (dude, just like in Wild at Heart, eh? I have a dog, my dog barks)
Plus, the pictures sucked anyhow... sure they were grainy and actiony, but really now... how can you capture the true beauty that is in someones eyes, or the smell of a flower or some sort of shit like that...
Plus, and this is a long shot, imagine if they somehow, one day, made great big keyboards for people with hands as fat and stubby as the sausages (or super drool proof with room for fanny packs and shit) and they somehow heard about this dude and went to his site and started reading about themselves, but didn't realize it was about them until their caretakers or social workers pointed this out to them and then they would be crushed or something... or proud... or crushed, yeah, crushed...
So yeah, I took them down...
I'm a liar and I am sorry...

not right in the head, this is why I like you...

As promised, may I present, The Sausage...
As an aside, there to the right is the dude that looks like Erik Estrada's uncle... and there, right behind the sausage, is the gal with the unhappy face, with the mouth that points down... Dude, I was sitting right accross from her today... I think she is special or something... she made the bus wait for her while she came strolling up the street, she was walking with her ELBOWS OUT!!! Serious, she was all walking like a she had read a book on 'walking, the proper way' and chapter 3 said to walk with your ELBOWS OUT LIKE AN IDIOT or something... and I noticed, as she sat there, looking all frowny and shit, that with her mouth like this it made her a natural mouth breather... serious, it wasn't forced or conscious, jut naturally asperated or something... all slack jawed and AARHGGGHGHGH I hate her... Ok, so she is sitting behind the sausage, I think you can see the stupid in her eyes...

Dude, Bonus, there lies the mighty snagle tooth, note the majestic fanny pack... not the supine position she finds herself in, regal in her splendor she naps in lumpy uh, splendor... my angle was bad, but if I had stood up and shot downwards we could have seen the sun glinting off her mighty snag... some mornings I am super lucky and get to see the sun rise on one side of the bus, and glint off her tooth on the other side, like I am surrounded by glory or something...

Ahh, and here is a nice little collage of the graffiti on the back side of the produce warehouse...

armed with will and determination... and grace, too

Oh, and those people with dry skin, lets not forget them, always rubbing lotion on themselves, their hands... always with the moisturizer, they are... damn, where do they come from... don't their bodies produce the natural emollients that keep the rest of us smooth and hydrated?
I tell you, when they are sitting there, squeezing and squeezing their plastic bottles until they are farting out the last little itty bitty bit of lotion, until the bottles, you know, fart out...
Ahh, the hell with it... I am sure there are other people to hate while the weather is so nice, someone is bound to not be doing something right...
**
Oh, and that monkey that died yesterday, it wasn't a monkey (thank goodness)... It was actually just a racoon... and it WAS right next to where Terry (the bus driver) usually lets me off... he went around it really slow like, so as not to run it over more... we got a nice view of the carnage as he drove by... poor little thing, had blood running out its face... it didn't even look real... it looked staged, like someone had randomly dumped something red and liquidy on the ground and the racoon layed down in it to perpetrate some sort of shenanigans... I am thinking that he was waiting for me to come home in the evening and when the driver opened the doors and I stepped out he would attack me... or at least jump up and try to spook me... Oh, right dude, like that could even happen... Well, it could, screw you... the racoon, being a smartass, planned it all out, actually layed out in the road in the morning dew, made himself look like a monkey so I would be ALL freaked out all day long, then came back in the afternoon to wait for me to get off the bus so he can jump up and scare the bejesus out of me, cause you know I would assume that he was gonna nibble on me or something...
Racoons are bastards, I have always thought so and this just proves it... I don't have time for this crap...
**
Hey Yo!!! I am gonna be posting up some pictures over the next couple days...
I was walking along the train tracks yesterday, just because, damn... and over on the wall of the produce warehouse is the most F'IN INCREDIBLE Grafitti, the likes of which you would NEVER see in Malaysia... or is it Micronesia... somewhere... Anyhow, it is incredible... so I am gonna walk along the tracks again and take some pictures... would be better in the morning, when the sun is just coming up and everything has a soft glow about it... but I am scared to walk the tracks in the morning because of the bad men... anyhow...
Oh, and I was able to snap a couple pictures whilst on the bus this morning... OF THE SAUSAGE AND THE SNAGGLETOOTH... as they slept... YES!!!
Now I wasn't able to get the sun gleaming off the snaggles tooth... and they are a little blurry, but go to hell, damn... I was like 18 inches away from the Sausage... if he would have woke up he would have completely freaked (Sausages think that when someone takes your picture it captures your soul or something) or he would have taken it as a sign of devotion and tried to kiss me, and I have already established that he has bad breath... so obviously I don't want him to kiss me... thats all I am getting at... Hold it, no, that ain't it, not entirely... Dude, I risked my life getting these pictures... went into the lair of the snake, down on the killing floor, chased the dragons tail or something... there could have been some major hissy fits going down... imagine me trying to explain how I could have "accidentaly" taken the sausages picture... oops...
But lets not worry about that, lets focus on how much I rock... yeah...
***
OK, so there were some conversations going on over here, I tried to keep out of it, honest I did, but...
So this chick here, she asks us if you can "pop your thing, you know, that girls have when they are virgins, hymnal or something, with a tampon", or something like that... it may have actually been funnier than that, but it was definately AT LEAST as funny as that... so of course I don't know, then there was some talk about someting other other, and she said they should put a warning on the box ('cause she looked in up and according to some website you can) and I said that they can't warn you against everything, like, guns may kill or don't stick the tampon in your ear or something... she told me you can die from them, something about toxic shock, I told her to go to hell, not really, but she reads this, so there you go... so then someone said something about virgins or something, and I swear I sat here, had my headphones on and tried to stay out, but I had to get the funny out or something... so I pipped up saying something like, "when I take a girls virginity I like to scream out real loud, so they remember it... I think it is important that a girl remembers her first time and the scream really stands out" and HA it was funny... and I was all like, "it has to be a loud scream, like when you do a karate chop... HIYAH!!!" and it was funny... then someone else said something, which is not important except to illustrate that I was not just standing there being a laugh hog... but then I said it is fun, 'cause when they tell there friends about how great it was, you know, when I made them women, they would be all like, "it was fantastic, except... do you get used to the karate chops or screaming? how do you keep your ears from ringing?" or something, you know, like it is normal and they had no idea and they tell their friends and ... damn... anyhow, then someone started talking about dirty sanchez's and dirty karls and glass bottom boats and I decided to step back... and here I am... I gotta go...
**
Oh, yeah...
I told my wife that magic comes in boxes,
She didn't find me as amusing as I found myself...
I think she might be ill or something...

grieving for the monkey

Aaarrghgh,
I have been tagged by the Sausage... Dammit!!! I got on the bus and there, right in front of the Sausage was an empty seat, I figured I would take it since he was sleeping and because I could then do a little Gorrilla's in the Mist action and spy on the snaggle tooth... I had some misgivings, but I knew the risks...
Someone coughed a couple times and I looked real quick to see if it was him and I needed to duck or something, it wasn't, he was sleeping like a baby...
Dammit, he lulled me into s false sense of security, I turned my back on him, started ignoring him... When we got to Seattle and the driver announced the stop I heard him start to stir, then it happened (AGAIN!!!)... He made like a HUMPH (with force) and he essence washed over me... right in my eye... right up my nose, direct line to my mucas membrane... DUDE, HE GOT SOME ON MY MOUTH... LIKE ON MY LIPS AND MAYBE EVEN A LITTLE BIT INSIDE... I feel gross...
When I came to my senses, he was gone...
**
I was already a bit off,
I saw this big animal on the side of the road, just laying there, accross the road from where I stand...
It was large, furry, my god it looked like a monkey...
Damn, Monkey!!! Why?!? Why Monkey? Why did you have to DIE??? Stupid asshole monkey, I always hated you... and now, you are gone, or hopefully will be gone when I get off the bus this afternoon since you are right by the busstop I get off at... but, really, damn you... you weren't supposed to die, monkey... not like this... hit by some car or truck on 272nd st, Kent, WA 98001... magnificent pelt matted with blood, last thought going through your brain was probably something about pickin your ass, I bet... that is just like you... now you are just a dead monkey, sitting in monkey heaven, pickin your ass... isn't that what happens to good monkeys when they die? Monkey heaven? With a nice tree to climb, a firm branch to sit on, ample ass space to pick through, and other monkeys to pick the asses of...
I am happy for you, little monkey, and sad at the same time... You are in a better place, but I will miss you down here...
Stupid Monkey, why'd you have to go...
**
Dude, I had this thought the other day, don't put too much thought into it, yo, but imagine if all those magic 8 balls and fortune cookies and crap they put on chocolate wrappers and stuff, what if it was all true... Like when you get a fortune cookie and it says you have a wild sense of adventure (in bed, yo), what if it was always right... so whatever it said was true... you know... so they would not always be bullshit little phrases but something that actually pertained to your life... I would still open them (or shake them) as the case may be... just to see what it said... I imagine they would be pretty boring, like "you hate folding laundry" or "you are anal about loading the dishwasher" or "you have a fantastick cock", stuff like that... you know, normal everyday obvious stuff...
Damn, so you get done with a nice romantic dinner and the fortune cookies come, and your date opens hers and it says "he is going to try and get in your pants" and you open yours and it says "you are going home alone tonight" or "you will have crabs in the morning"... imagine how your life would change...
I am not talking about some magical Jim Carey movie type fairy movie... I am talking about how magic or whatever would adapt to the real world...
I suppose that if we wanted to go nuts we could imagine something like, uh, what if unicorns were real, and there were tons of them... suddenly they wouldn't be so special and phallic... they would be just like squirrels except with horns...
Or if there really was gold at the end of the rainbow, how worthless would gold be then? Damn, we would have to invent ways to give it away... or, if for some reason there was still a market for it, some sort of value, dude, imagine the weather reports, people would be all rabid waiting for rain, then running all over the friggin place to get to the end, wearing them australian hats and hackin' at each other with machettes and shit...
The only real benefit I could see from things like this happening would mean that there might be a slight bit less focus on my package, people might be distracted away from staring at it and whispering about it all the time, you know, since that is as close to magic as most people get... 'cause my package is magical, you know, my package... down THERE... sigh, come here, ok, now look me in the eyes, ok, now let your eyes travel down, keep going, a little bit further... THERE... you know, my magical "package"... ahh, now you get it.. heh, now you gonna get it... it'll be magic...
The magic eight ball says "you gonna get some tonight"
YOU: Magic eight ball, will it be fantastic?
MAGIC 8 BALL: It will be magical...

sitting up straight, pretending to pay attention... but I'm not...

Oh, and the feet, I forgot about the feet...
The sun comes out, the ground dries up a bit and the people uncover their nasty gnarly feet to the sweet sun... aarrghghg... ugly ugly feet...
You got your nasty toenails... jagged and crooked and thick and unnaturally colored... or maybe with the polish flaking off from when they got decorated last xmas and ignored since then...
Damn, and the crooked toes, the toes that have been stuffed in shoes that were much too tight for much too long, so the poor pinky toe is crammed up over its neighbor, or worse, crammed under its neighbor... and the big toe is all pointed, the entire foot ends up looking like a trowel or something...
And then they try to pretty things up by throwing a toe ring or 2 or 10 on... maybe throw a nice anklet on... yeah, that will distract from the ugg going on down there, like putting a high sheen on a overcooked hotdog...
Oh, and I should not forget to mention the cankles... calfs and ankles living together as one... you can't tell where one begins and the other ends... sounds romantic, doesn't it? yeah, no... you know, all you need to do is spend a couple minutes a day, say, while you are standing in front of the candy machine, doing some of them toe lifts or whatever they are called, you know, standing on your tiptoes over and over... define them body parts...
You know what I realized... You know all those movies that show all these hot people in California or Florida or something, everyone lean and tan and clean with nice feet and manicures and stuff... well I think that if they are really like that it is because they are able to addapt to their environments... they have much more opportunity to be out in the world have naked so have the proper costumes and clean themselves up a bit...
Up here, hell, we don't... very seldom does our skin see the light of day, much less the sun... we are not prepared... we are like these wild animals that are being forced out of their habitates, all hairy and wild and doing things that we shouldn't be... poopin in the yard... that is almost what it is like, dude... the sun comes out for a couple days and we get all disorientated and start poopin in the yard like it is all normal...
It is so much better when it is a constant drizzle around here... people are covered up, you gotta keep your head down to keep the water out so you can't bother to make eye contact with the general populace... yeah...
NOW, don't get me wrong, I am all for public nudity, or partial nudity, or just a peek now and then... Let me say, I appreciate the attempts ya'll have made at being titillating (heh) and how your skin is starting to glow in nice colors and stuff... really, thanks for that, you make my pants tighter, you are that special... there are moments in the sun, as they say, that make it all worth it and keep us all on the edge of our seats, maybe that girl with the loose shirt, yeah her, I bet I can see her booby if I look real hard... hooray for boobies...
***
EH, and that is a great big EH... it seems that everything that happens around here can't be handled by people around here...
It rains and noone can drive in the rain, traffic comes to a standstill and there are accidents all over the place...
The sun comes out and noone can drive in the sun, traffic comes to a standstill and there are accidents all over the place...
You come to the top of a hill on the freeway and traffic comes to a standstill because everyone thinks they are going to fall off the edge of the earth on the other side of the crest...
Our local sporting team wins a bunch of games and some people jump on the bandwagon, fairweather fans, and others protest because sports are for lowbrows and they are mad that their taxes are paying for a stadium...
Our local sporting team loses and a everyone jumps off the bandwagon and we knew it couldn't last and some people protest because sports are for lowbrows and they are mad that their taxes are blah blah...
Sun comes out and people go nuts and buy up all the airconditioners in the state so they don't DIE and 2 days later, the temperature levels out and we are all cool...
OH, it goes on and on and it makes me bitchy...
and I could sit and argue with some people about what is the cause, and what really needs to be done, and how I am full of crap and completely wrong, mostly because other people feel more strongly about it and I don't feel like standing up for something that means so little to me... I guess bitching about it takes too much energy and I have no follow through...
***
Dude, stinky bastards on the bus alert... Sat there next to the snaggle tooth, kitty corner from the sausage and accross from the old russian dude... it was like a dirty greasy fish market or something...
That damn snaggle tooth... I am going to draw a picture of her and the picture will look like a lumpy clear plastic bag full of pig lard that someone swung around their head and let go and it went flying and fwapped into a bus seat... but smelling like fish and unhappiness...
The sausage as stinky as usual, like an old warehouse and butt... DUDE!!! I made eye contact with him yesterday, I just remembered... I kept my eyes averted, as usual, when he got off the bus, but then something shiny shiny flashed or something and I looked up and our eyes locked... it was in slow motion, it was super freaky... I was so close to turning into one of those wild freak out monkeys, bouncing off the walls, shaking the windows, dippin into the dark recesses of my ass and throwing all over... Like I had been challenged for dominance or something... it was super strange...
Then there was the old russian dude... dude dresses fantastic, for real... he has a nice suit, wears a vest, nice shoes, got him one of those funky hats you see the old russian dudes wearing, he looks like one of those friendly old dudes that know tons about customer service or something... but he smells of cabbage or something.. I don't know that it is actually cabbage but he smells of something that I cannot define, except is smells like the valley harvest market up there in the corner where the european deli is...
Yeah, there were smells and stuff going on and I double checked to see if I was contributing at all, but you know I smelled like roses... and my toes are well formed, my nails may need a little touch up, trim just a touch off the top, but the shape is nice... high arches...
I have completely lost my flow so I think I am just gonna let it trail off...

gettin' his britches all in a bunch....

Yeha, holy shit, it is certainly hot, isn't it?
Indeed...
I tell you what, let’s act like complete assholes...
This is surely the apocalypse, eh?
Example?
Sure:
So we are coming back from West Seattle and are busting down that freeway that goes through Burien, I can never remember what it is called... Anyhow, I pass this truck pulling a boat, just kinda go by them is all, not like a high speed maneuver... they were in the left lane doing like 60 and I was in the right lane doing like 65, you dig...
So I get by them a ways and decide I will change lanes over to the left... I check my mirror to the left and there is the truck, a good ways back, good times... So I hit my signal, start drifting over to the left and check again, like a good driver should, to make sure it is all clear...
HOLY SHIT?!!?!? WTF!?!?! Swerve, swear... fear... this friggin Cadillac comes out of friggin nowhere, very fast, and is just about coming straight up my ass... I get back over in the right hand lane like a pro and look over to my left... the Cadillac is full of these chicks, they gots the window down and they are all waving their hands and screaming at me like I am some sort of idiot... they look very mad... I do my white boy wave, hey, sorry about that... and they take off like a bat out of hell...
I know what happened... they were rolling at probably about 90 since I was doing close to 70, came up on the truck with the boat and did a quick jog to the right with the plan of moving back in front of it... like NASCAR, yo... so when I start doing my little shuffle to the left it was at the same time they came roarin' around the pick-up...
Scared the shit out of me, I tell you, but you know what I remember most and pisses my off completely? Looking over at them after I got out of the way and seeing them screaming at me and looking so completely insane with rage and self righteousness... Oooh, it sets my blood to boiling, I mean, screw you... aaarrghghg...

**

So I was kickin' it at the pool that afternoon, took the Noner down to swim, her friends mama was down there so I sat and talked with her a bit... it was pretty packed in the pool, interesting array of people... This one dude showed up, kinda young, maybe 17 or 18, looked like a Hawaiian god or something... imagine your favorite Hawaiian god and that is what he looked like... anyhow, there were people, this Mexican family, like 5 or 6 boys and dad and mom sitting in the corner, the boys were retarded or something, or just were treated like they were retarded... Dad kept yelling about something, something to do with life preservers and get the hell out of the pool and people are staring stop it and stuff... Which is kinda weird, cause I know that one of the little dudes can swim like a MF'n porpoise or something... in fact, I have a picture of him leaping through the air about to do a cannonball... So I don't know what the dynamics were, but dad was insisting all of them wore life jackets and mom just sat in the corner...
So I was talkin with the Noners friends mama and she said something about smackin' them kids on the ass or something to that affect and I was asking if she could understand what he was going on about and she said she didn't and I said, hey, are you Mexican or something, and she said something about, can't you tell? and I got to use my line (which I stole by the way) about how "I don't see race, all I see is Americans" and she laughed, hahahahaa...

**

So Sunday, I take the Noner back down to the pool, there are a few people there, the usual suspects, probably about 10 people in the pool... The Hawaiian god dude was there with his girlfriend or sister or something, the deaf woman and her friend, this dude with his 2 kids, maybe another one or two...
So, then these like 7 people show up, they are black (and I don't know what relevance that really has, but they were not Mexican or white, and why do I care... anyhow) and they are beautiful...
WELL put together girls, and boys... The girls looked like they had some pride in their appearance and knew what kind of clothes look good on them and should be worn to the pool... a couple of the gals were a little chunky perhaps, but in a flattering way... and they were all super polite, making sure not to splash each other or any of the kids at the pool, or make too much noise... they were nice kids... they had fun and everyone enjoyed having them there...
Then their polar opposites show up... these people were sloppy, loud, ugly, mean, rude... uh... many negative things... they came rolling in like a friggin' whirlwind... I know they didn't live around there, they were friends of this gal that had been laying out at the pool... this one little girl, maybe 7 or 8, was sooooo fat... her thighs were huge and like, you know how your thighs can rub together maybe a little up towards the top if you really try??? Well, this little gals legs all rubbed together all the way down past her knees... and she had somehow got somewhat stuffed into this bathing suit that was a bit too small for her... it was probably made for someone her age, but damn, I don't know how she fit into it... I will not even venture to describe it...
So there were like 3 or 4 of these large young girls, tiny beady eyes... the youngest one came stomping into the pool and about stepped on these 2 little girls (oh, these little girls had a hot momma, but it could have just been comparatively speaking, because my wife was not there and this gal was height/weight proportionate, which is rare in the pool area)... the other couple of hefties just kinda fell into the water and invariably either almost hit someone getting in or at least splashed water in their eyes...
I was watching the Noner and she was all wide eyed and looking at them like WTF... she kinda kept close to the side and stuff...
So these whales just started grabbin' everything in sight, all the toys that the other kids had brought down, goggles, floaties, water tube thingies, you name it... they took them, all of them... one of them took the floaty we had brought down and somehow got it down over her head but it couldn't go down past her waist... then she grabbed this water tube thing and she started, uh, don't know, kinda like this bizarre whale type of breaching movement... she kinda would throw herself forward and her head would go underwater but the floaty was somehow keeping her somewhat afloat, and the water tub thing floated also so her hands were up... so she is flopping and floating and stuff and everyone is havin' to get out of her way since she is flailing about... damn there was a lot of commotion...
Oh, there were about 30+ people in the pool at this point... and it ain't that big a pool... so the other dad that was down there got his 2 kids out... the hot momma took her 2 kids over to the side and kinda sat there protecting them... the attractive black kids got out (this one gal that was there, she was all like, SHABOWWWW!!! BAM!!! I was all like, that has got to be obscene, cause she had it all packed in there like a pint of ice-cream or something that gets packed in there, you know what I mean)... So I gave the 5 minute warning and told Noner to get her stuff gathered up... she grabbed her goggles and was looking around and was a bit concerned as the one whale had her floaty and didn't look like she was gonna give it up... so she asked me if I would get her floaty and I was all like, yeah, don't worry about it... so she was lookin around and this boy came swimming up underwater towards her... she saw him coming and tried to move out of the way but he kept coming towards her and all of a sudden she kinda jumped and the kid came up from under the water and she was all staring at him like what the hell are you doing and she backed away from him and stuff and got out of the pool, still kinda staring at him... now I don't really know what all happened, he was probably her age and he was swimming around all gettin up on people, but of course, being her dad makes me wanna kick his little ass if he did something, but maybe he doesn't understand what he is doing, or maybe he didn't really do anything and she was just confused and at the same time I want her to learn to deal with little pricks on her own cause I won't always be there to help her and she needs to quickly and decisively strike with much force if she is threatened...
So anyway, she gets out and I get up and start moving around the pool to get the floaty... I try to get the whales attention, and I am pretty sure she heard me, but she kept turning in the opposite direction from me and kept doing her real freaky whale breachy thing... Serious, as soon as she would come up I would be all like, hey... Well, it was more like this...
1) Excuse me, can I... (she looks at me, turns away)
2) Hey, excuse me, can... (she looks at me, puts her head under, somehow kinda turns)
3) Hey... I need... (she doesn't even bother to look this time, just goes under and turns)
4) LET ME HAVE THE FLOATY!!! (she starts to twist away and go under)
The beauty happens at this point; her momma stands up and screams at her... I don't remember her name, but lets give her something exotic, like Quetzalquatal... She is all like:
"QUETZALQUATAL, GODDAMITT GIMME THOSE FLOAT THINGIES RIGHT NOW!!!"
The little girl hears that and somehow is able to unwedge herself from the floaty and kinda pushes it towards me and her momma yells about giving up the water tube thing too... So the girl burns some holes of hate in me with her eyes and sinks down into the water like a hippo or water buffalo or something stupid and animal like because I hate her...
I grab the floaty and her mom starts swinging the water tube around at me and is all like belligerent and says something similar to "here you go" but much more uppity and evil (stupid bitch) and I am all like (with my eyebrows all up high) "That isn't mine" and I turn all haughty like... grabbed my little girl and took one last look at the hot momma who is not nearly as hot as my wife but the best that the pool had to offer at the moment, and I left...

**

So here is the thing... it hardly ever really gets hot like this around here (but we had better get used to it)... suddenly there aren't enough fans and air conditioners to go around and I have to assume that some people are getting all belligerent that their local store doesn't have one for every person in the Puget Sound, which would still mean that we would be short since certain assholes in the eastside would buy up 5 of them just in case or to keep their garage cool or something stupid...
But what I am really getting at is that people in the NW, or lets just say King County, are not prepared for the heat in many ways... My personal problem is with people going out of the house dressed like stupid buttholes... Like people going swimming but they don't have a swimming suit because realistically they have not been swimming in a couple years and they will probably swim twice this year... that does NOT mean you should wear your boyfriends boxers or cut off sweat pants to the pool to swim in... along with one of their wife beaters and your Kmart blue bra... unless you are hot, then go ahead... and the dudes, damn, so all the shorts they have generally are these ones that are like down past their knees but well above their ankles, and this is all they have to swim in... I mean, good god and jesus as well... it costs like 50 cents to buy a pair of cheap ass swimming trunks up at the fred meyer... go get a pair... ladies, they make these real cute swimsuits and sell them at Old Navy and other places, now most of you should not be seen in a 2 piece so get yourself a cute one piece... or at least something that was actually meant for swimming... and you know you got yourself a big ass purse with all sorts of shit in it... fold up that suit and keep it in your purse while it is so friggin hot and you are going over to your boyfriends buddies house with the pool...
And DAMN... I have seen more dudes out in their undershirts... serious, undershirts... not t-shirts but actual shirts that usually never see the light of day because they are hidden, and they should be hidden, because they are ugly and gross and stained and stretched...
What is really freaking me out is that some of these people, if you just randomly passed them or glanced at them in their normal local clothing/costumes, would perhaps appear to be attractive... but somehow, when the thermometer rises up a little bit, people end up getting uglier and uglier... and the weather lately just proves my theory that most people look much better with clothes on than without...
Wouldn't it be cool if the sun were like positive energy or something, the nicer it is out the more attractive everyone gets... so when we get to these heat waves suddenly it is like supermodels all over the friggin place... yeah... or if we really were some hidden tribe of beauty and noone really realized it until the sun came out and suddenly everyone is all like, DAMN!!! Where have YOU been hidden...?
Why does this beautiful weather have to conspire against us and make us hate each other, or at least make some many people appear to be soooooo unattractive???

wearin' next to nothin' cause it's hot as an oven...

You know what???
Blah, blah, blah...
Tha's is what...
How about some of them aliens come and kidnap me... I don't care what kind...
In order of preference I would say:
1) Mexican - I will join them in their crusade and eat real honest to goodness mexican food... goosh
2) Venutions (venitians?) dudes from Venus... Dammit, OK, chicks from Venus, the planet of Love... They are dying out and need some fresh blood... years of breeding have produced a raise of mostly women that look a lot like my wife, or (alternately) 6 foot tall dark haired babes with voracious appetities for nookie... They need my superior genes to make babies the old fashioned way and the kids will have ninja like moves and pirate like booty skills... Not martians though, martians are assholes, its true.
3) My real parents, come to kidnap me back and right all the wrongs I have experienced... They have lots of money and just want me to be happy...
otherwise, in no particular order: Thai natives, dolphins, porpoises, hessions (whatever they are)... and finally, canadians...
No particular reason... just thought it might be fun
**
So, it is almost 200 degress out now... I can't wait to get on the bus...
**
you know who I would like to be kidnapped by??? My old lady...
That would be GREAT.
I could be like walking towards the bus and this VAN comes rolling up and the door opens and someone gives me a shot in the ass with something that makes me very compliant... somehow I get loaded into the van and we bust a move down the road...
I am forced to give her sensual massages and drink oolong tea. She would make me her slave and I would have to hang out on the beach somewhere during the day and walk along the boardwalk at night... and after a couple weeks we quietly dumps me back on the street and it will all have been a dream, seemingly...
***
Nothing happened on the bus today, unless you count... oh, forget that, nothing happened on the bus today...
**
So the devil that lives next door, she came over yesterday, stuff happened, etc... there was this one part, where she wanted to have the girls come in her house and the girls told her they couldn't and somehow it came up that the girls can go in this other friends house, how come they can't go in the devils house... I was all like, oh shit... So of course they ask and I was all like, I can't hear you, can't hear what you are saying, etc... then the noner goes and tells the devil that it is because her mom is always sleeping and their house is a mess and stuff... Oh Shit, yet again... and the devil was all like, my mom is sleeping but my dad is up... and... damn... so this is the part where you are supposed to explain to your kids that there is the truth and then there is the stuff you tell other people, that is not a lie, but not the truth, right... I mean, I suppose if it came down to it I we could tell the neighbors that we can smell their house from outside and their child is the devil and there seems to be some weird shit that goes down over there, etc... but do I really want to???
Here is some more... Dig this... so I tell them, no, you can't go in... so they are playing outside and I see them digging in the dirt place, which drives me nuts, but I figure I am being anal so I don't say too much about it... What I do say is, Ya'll better not make any mud out there, I don't want you playing in the mud... and they say they won't... right... So pretty soon the noner comes in and gets some water out of the bathroom and takes it outside... hmmnn... I yell out there to them, hey, don't be making any mud, and they said they weren't...
So I look outside a little while later and it looks like a friggin bomb went off. Heh, in the middle of the mudpuddle that they had just created was a big, formerly fluffy, white towel (not ours)... there were mudpies all over the porch (not ours, the devils)... their BBQ was open and they were either putting mud in it or taking ash out of it, not sure... there were blankets, and toys and all sorts of shit all over the place... OH, my favorite, the devil had ripped one of the screens off the window and had laid it over this little dip in the dirt and was jumping up and down on it... For real... I was all like, HOLY SHIT...
It was all the neighbors stuff, and I figured this was a perfect example of why I don't want my kids over there, much less playing with the devil child... If that had been going on over at my place, well, it wouldn't have... I like to keep an eye on my kids...
At one point the devil ran back into the house and came out with this wall hanging thing, was like a 3 tiered picture frame deal with pictures of her grandma in mexico in them... I know this because she came over to our porch with it and was swinging it around saying that it was pictures of her grandma in mexico... I was like:
1) how the hell did she get that off the wall
2) how did she do it without her parents knowing or raising hell
3) what the hell
I told her to take it back to her house and she tried to put it down on my porch and I was all like, Hey, TAKE IT BACK TO YOUR HOUSE, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE THAT... I said it really loud... the kinda loud that, if I heard, I would know my kid was up to no good and I should do something...
So there was a bunch of runnnig around and shit, and I told the girls they had to be in at 8:30... I gave them warnings every once in a while so they would be ready for it... they had somehow migrated all the shit from the neighbors to my porch... So at 8:30 I told them, OK, time to come in girls, pick up your shit and if you live here get your ass in the house, if you don't, pick up your shit and go home...
I turned my back to do something or other and when I turned around they had all disappeared...
I went out looking for them and they were up around the corner... I told them, hey, come in the house... The devil was saying, I think my daddy left... I told her I didn't care... there were at least 2 other dudes at her house and her mom was supposedly in the house sleeping, so whatever... but she was all like, I don't see his car and where did he go and stuff...
My girls started going on about how he was probably not going to come back, or how he was buried in a hole... I tried to stop them, but ehhhh...
So I finally got the girls in the house and turned around and the devil was gone, but her shit was still on the porch... I wasn't having that, so I sent the girls over to get her and made her pick up all her shit and take it home...
Long story short, she is evil and lacks parental supervision, where I am a fantastic father and my girls are angels... thats all I am saying...
**

bringin on the heartbreak

Sometimes, only some Depeche Mode will do...
That is what I was thinking, but as I sit here I got that Raconteurs song (Steady as she goes) going through my head... I was going to tell you to love them, but recently something changed... See, I was having trouble figuring out how to spell Raconteurs so did a google search, turns out I was spelling it rightly (my spelling is good)... first sight returned was the bands website.
I thought, oh, cool, now I can learn more about the band... Without going into too much detail, like how Jack White from the White Stripes is in the band, let me tell you, their site SUCKS. I am completely disenchanted by their site and now am compelled to advise you to "not love them"... BTW... the website for The White Stripes sucks too, in a similar sucky fashion, but different enough to suck on its own merits...
So love Depeche Mode instead...
***
Oh, boy... I was sitting on the bus (oh shit, here he goes again) this morning and I was looking around and I was thinking, boy do I hate these people... Not sure what the deal was... I remember looking over at this gal that gets on the bus every day wearing this australian looking hat... she always annoys me... today she was all sitting there without her hat on, she had been wearing it, but took it off... She looked really freaky... her mouth is/was really small, and it was painted on and seemed to be in a permanent frown... if not permanent then at least naturally downturned... I wanted to smack her... not sure why such strong emotions... I kinda looked around and discovered I wanted to dislike everyone there... Not sure why, again... I was wondering if I don't really "hate" these people, but am just associating their presence with going to work so am projecting or something... Can't think of any reasons to really hate anyone, except Larry Lagasa...
Although, from moment to moment I can feel the bile rising in my throat and, if I was a ture blood thirsty pirate, I would be knee deep in entrails... Knee Deep I tell you... Knee Deep...
***
I could spend hours going through Craigs List (http://seattle.craigslist.org/)
Here is one of my favorite searches at the moment POOF
Here is another one SHABAZZ
The personals are a TON of fun... I tell you, cruising through the personals here or at the stranger give you a new found appreciation for your significant other (well, it does me)... I tell you, there should be a section for low self esteem or something... if you are trying to find yourself some action through the personals, have some balls, damn... you don't have to lie, but you definately don't have to go in to negative land either... accentuate the positive... couple of pounds on the heavy side... mention how it makes your boobs real big or something (unless you are a guy, don't mention your boobs if you are a guy)... I don't know, don't feel like puting too much effort into explaining how to snag a mate here or anywhere else... My motto always has been, if you want the woman, take the woman... thats what I always did... just took what I wanted in the true pirate fashion, except for the part where I was at sea for months at a time with no women around and had to resort to gaydom...
**
Myspace is the devil, for real... there is nothing else in the world that gives me such an immediate sense of gloom and anxiety and social menace... Stumbling accross ogrish or goatse.cx (or whatever) has little compared to myspace... Yeah, I have a myspace thingy, really only so I can look at other peoples pictures... no other real reason for it... I have found some useful info, some interesting people, people from my past and shit... but really, some things should stay buried...
Plus, what it the deal with the airing of the personal laundry??? Really now, there are like 200 million users in there, right? and you feel a need to share your most intimate personal bullshit for what reason? Oh, I am going to be secrective now and make the post only available to friends, or you can't see my profile today, but I will explain it all to you later in a personal post explaining my heartache and how if my friends were REALLY my friends they would have my back and blah blah blah... I suppose this IS your diary or something... but really, and this is what drives me nuts... posting up some super personal sad details AND a friggin PICTURE to show how REALLY sad you are (this is my sad face, now I am pensive), shit...
I would love to lay the blame on the youngsters out there not having a strong parental presence to teach them to keep their feelings balled up in the pit of their stomaches... but lots of these people are older than what I would consider kids... and should know better... damn... I could go on and on... but I have lost my rage...

a quick brown fox jumping over something or other

Feeling better and better. I am thinking that whatever malaise I may have been experiencing was due to some sneaky ninja poisoning attempt or something... takes something major to take me down... Feel full rage again, yay!!!
**
I am apparently having trouble communicating with people lately... I have to assume that the problem is with the most common denominator (me) and not all these other people...
There is that dude that I traded emails back and forth with for a week (still not working, by the way, but I told him I was done with him so screw him)...
Had another one, starting yesterday, rolling into today... I am gonna be real vague on this, but this gal calls and tells me there is a problem, it is not my problem so I don't know why she calls me, I told her that she should do this thing, and there was some resistence and so, like a dipshit, I told them I could do a little something and so I did a little something... told some people something needed to be done and got a ton of resistence on it... someone should have told someone else that the jig was up, but that conversation was never had so the party of the first part was not aware that the party of the second part did not have the fear of them any longer and there was no longer any special treatment... so I tried to be super slick and work some magic and I was told (dammit, I was told) that my magic was working and it would be taken care of if I did this other certain thing, which I did, and I told them I did and I was assured that the magic was happening, not to worry, and then today I check and THERE WAS NO MAGIC, nothing... So I talked to this one dude and told him the magic wasn't happening and he kinda shrugged his shoulders, and I told this other dude but he is going on vacation, and then I told the party of the first part that nothing had happened yet and had they considered contacting the party of the second part and they were all like, why would we do that, and I told them, because it ain't my gig and they were all like, but I thought you were taking care of it, and I was all like, no, I told you I would let someone know but it ain't my gig, and they said, well, why would they do anything when I said I would do something... And I am close to exploding, but not in a good way...
And I just got an email that the person going on vacation emailed the party of the second part asking him to have someone look at the issue as I related it in the first place, uh, part... uh...
And I think I am having trouble communicating with my lovely wife... I could be imagining that... or I could be imagining that I am fooling myself, and I actually AM not having good communication with her.. uh, wtf... ok, I am gonna let that stand...
***
I am feeling skinny and fat at the same time... like I am a small but my belly is trying to get really big and it ain't fitting or something...
Ahh, that is kinda funny... I am a full sized person, you dig... above average probably, height/weight wise... maybe a bit disproportionate... definately not "small" and my belly really doesn't need to struggle for room, you dig...
not sure what it is... I swear, I just sit here and sometimes it just starts pushing out... all pneumatic like...
You know what would probably help? Yessss... more coffee... more coffee? Yes, have some...
**
So I went and got some more coffee (see above)...
I took the long way back as is my want sometimes... like to keep it real with the people, you dig...
So I go by this area where there are some people I do not know, kind of a no mans land, mostly cause there are only girls over there... I passed one of them as I went around the corner... the only reason I am really bringing this up is because is smelled SOOO bad in that area... like the mens room after one of those mexican feasts they give us every once in a while... Like a vapor trail... Serious, it was stinky (say it long and drawn out)... and I have to believe that the perp was the chick because it was a localized cloud... once I walked through it the smell got better... now I feel bad... and feeling bad does not make a ninja stronger... Pirates have been known to have feelings... but not ninja's...
That is probably my problem, the dicotomy of me... a little bit pirate, a little bit ninja, the internal dilemma... who am I?
But mostly, girls shouldn't fart... that is all I am saying...
That is the trouble with america today... people not in control of their sphincters or pyloric valves...
That's all I'm saying...
**
Yeah, I need to get out of here for a while... Was thinking that it WAS actually fun hiking down to the falls last Sunday... Perhaps something else outside would be fun... like a picnic up at Lake Easton or Kachess... or the beach (not the ocean beach, but, hey, why not... go out to the beach when the weather is actually really nice instead of all cloudy and rainy and windy and shit...
Uh... how about staying home and doing up a big thing of pork... Oh my favorite god, that sounds good... PORK... and we can take some with us out in the world somewhere... eating Pork on the beach, yeah...
Or the farmers market in Olympia... that would be fun... or the center of the universe, whats that place called? Uh, it is near Ballard, whatever... you dig... I am tired of sitting here... so tired of sitting here, then sitting somewhere else... all this friggin sitting...
***
linky-dinky

Smack 'Em
John K the Ren and Stimpy Guy
Someone break my camera so I can get this one here...

DUDE!!!

DUDE..
Get the kids out of the room (unless they are my kids, in which case they already heard this) and check this out:
How I feel about Starbucks
and
Crazy Cat Lady vs. the Telemarketer

dude...

the type of guy...

I am looking for a theme to take me across the country... Some raison d’être, so to speak... If someone doesn't help me out here it may be all about chili cheese... chili dogs, fries, fritos, stuff like that... and O'berto meat products... and not yelling at the poor chirrens locked in the back of the car...
Was thinking about trying to go on some factory tours, but apparently nothing of any interest is made between here and ND...
Then I was thinking perhaps we could do like Wax Museums or graves of famous people or something. But the best we can do is Custers Last Stand and/or the birthplace of Lawrence Welk. Damn, I don't know...
I don't want to eat my way across the upper midwest... although I AM hungry...
Anyone out there have any suggestions? I am looking for some of those MUST visit places...
***
Dude...
So the Noner spends the day with my mom yesterday, did some shopping for her birthday and early back to school and just because... Noner loves shopping most of the time, especially if gramma is taking her... my mom finally called around 7pm wanting to know if it was ok to bring her home... I was all like, damn, if you're done with her, sure, bring her home... My Ma was all like, OK, she is finishing up in the pool and eating candy or something, I don't remember the full conversation, anyhow... I was all like, Is she wearing her 2 piece bathing suit and my ma was all like, WTF?!? and I was all like WTF?!? and there was some confusing and she hung up... so they get home and they come walkin' in with 2 big old bags of clothes... AND Noner was wearing a fancy new outfit... new shoes, shirt, pants, coat, everything except underwear... She starts throwing stuff around and pulls out her NEW 2 PIECE BATHING SUIT... I am saying 2 piece, but it is really a bikini, a little tiny 2 piece bikini... which is cool, really... she looks hot in it... wears it well, and she is hella proud of herself...
Turns out that she is so proud of herself because the top is LIKE A BRA!!! Hooks in the back and shit, she tried it on under her shirt to see how it fits... DAMN!!!
I figured I had a few more years before this... whatever this is...
Thank your favorite god that they have a mother hanging around for these things... I swear, when the time came I would all be rollin' into victoria secret or something and letting them pick out their favorite little lace thingies... I don't know... they are little fashion plates, dude, clothes everywhere... They have a different look or idea every 5 minutes... when they get older, damn... I am seriously out numbered...
One day, and I swear it won't be long, they will all be havin' their menses at the same time and I will be in a world of hurt... I will need a hobby or something, hang out in the garage making stills or something...
****
I am feeling much better today, not sure what could have changed... feel quite a bit better... still a bit off, mentally, but that is pretty normal...
The conversations around here are uh... yeah... sometimes you want to just jump right in, sometimes you just want to cut your own head off... conversations seem to be like that lately...
What freaks me out is that some of the conversations I don't want to be a part of because of the conversations I know would sprout from them... sittin around talkin about poop for hours or something... did you ever blah blah blah... I don't know... Something about the discovery process or something... it really is like picking a scab... you think it is all healed, then you pick it to see what happens, and sometimes the scab just falls off and you have smooth pink skin beneath, sometimes a big old scar, and sometime you start bleeding like a m'fer... I am a big believer in not having conversations or asking questions that you are not completely prepared to be crushed by...
Don't ask someone if you look fat if you are not prepared to be told that you are completely fat...
Shit like that... I have this feeling that I am like a bottle of esteem vinagrette, you let me sit for a while and all the high self esteem floats to the surface, but underneath is all the greasy low self esteem and garlic... that is why I don't watch any of our local professional sports... I feel too shitty when they lose, even though I know the outcome had little to do with me...
AHHH, I am plummetting... dammit... I need some refreshment.. like a 20oz can of Rainier Ale... sittin in the fridge right now... drink them blues away...
**
Hey, lookey here... Link happiness... just some stuff

http://www.chilicheese.org/cc/default.asp
http://www.internationalmale.com/product.asp?product=CA245LBAzz&dept%5Fid=6050&An=101&A=&Au=RollupKey

overall I am not pleased with this post... expect so much more out of this that this...

bleeding out the ears

Almost had my anyurism yesterday... yep.. felt the vessel bulging... starting going a little blind in one eye, sharp pain in the ears, tintinitus...
I had to vocalize it, it sounded like this "Aaarrghghg" and "movemovemove" and misc other whiney noises that are too hard to spell...
Not sure what was up... sometimes it is just hard to cope for some reason...
I imagine that when I die, at some random time when a couple people that knew me get together and aknowledge to each other that I am dead, they will keep it real and say something along the line of "dude was too high strung, was bound to happen, I am suprised someone didn't kill him before he had the chance to die all on his own" and "what an asshole"...
Hey, screw you!!! How about a little respect for the dead.
**
Oooh, Oh, ahh... Uhh...
I feel like crap... for real... waves of nausea... like dizzy and shit... TIRED... really, the kinda tired like where you are sitting on the couch and start nodding off and shit... taking a lot of effort to keep my head up... I feel like aliens are drilling into my brain and using one of those hand mixers... it really sucks, cause I will be feeling fine one moment, and then suddenly I feel like I am about to hurl... WTF... I am pretty sure noone sneezed on my over the weekend... HA!!!
I got some good sleep over the weekend, although I did extend myself a bit further (farther?) than I usually do yesterday...
Perhaps this is it... the final downhill slide... will need to get some medical marijuana and heroin or something, go on the state medical... begin planning my funeral and perhaps find my wife a new husband to take my place when I am gone (I think I saw that in a movie once)... Although, my wife did mention that I ruined her for normal men... or was it men in general... something about not needing to go through that again... not sure what she meant... I know I was listening, but sometimes her voice is like an angels song and I get lost in the melody and miss the message... Dd I mention that she is super fine (supper fine, too... tasty)...
**
Speakin' of Tasty...
Went to this restuarant kinda place yesterday, called "Small Fryes"... Holy Shit!!!
Dude, I got the #1, The Chili Cheese Fries... OMG, they taste just like chili cheese fritos...
I couldn't finish them all up yesterday so had them for lunch today, and now I am dreaming of ways to have them for dinner and lunch again tomorrow...
Of course, this has nothing to do with what I was saying earlier, the feeling like crap thing...
I had a bite of the wifes burger, and it was fantastic...
I was looking at the oldest daughters hotdog, and it looked GREAT, but I wasn't sure if it was a weiner or a regular hotdog and didn't want to take the chance of eating fowl...
The youngest daughter, she had the corndog, which looked delicious, but I am pretty sure it contained bird and of course blah blah...
Shakes, yeah... free refills, yes... I fully and completely recommend the place... it is the kind of place that made me want to open a shack of my own...
Here is the sign that was outside...

plundering the pirates treasure...

God Damn it...
Too much and not enough... need to find some balance...
***
So, you want to know who rocks harder than my old lady... Well, only me, I suppose... Check it out... if I did not rock harder than her that would mean that she settles for less, or has poor judgement or something, so since we know that she doesn't that would mean that I must rock because otherwise she would not rock... you know what I mean, can you dig it? Yeah, it is kinda complicated, but once you wrap your head around it, it all makes sense...
HOLD IT!!!! I know what you are thinking, you are thinking, well, hell, I am her friend, so that must mean that I rock harder than she does because of the above logic... WRONG!!! See, this is an example of her being merciful and empathetic... you are allowed to worship her because she is worthy of your worship, you dig... and she will let you admire her and be her friend because you are at least worthy of this... but lets not go overboard...
When it comes to beauty and softness and being HAWT... you know where to go for advice and emulation...
**
You know who else rocks? The youngest daughter... for real... and the older sister of the youngest daughter... Check this out...
I took the little ladies out for Ice Cream last night, and we had a great time... So we are driving around afterwards, killing some time, and the youngest daughter suddenly pops up with "I don't want to die"... I was all like, WTF... not really a question but a statement...
So before I could say anything, her big sister tells her "everybody dies"... I was like, WTF... again... There was some discussion back and forth about how you and me and her and mommy will die one day, and of course we don't want mommy to die, and the littlest one didn't want to be dead and buried and have people walk on her and then the other says that you don't have to be buried but sometimes you get sick and sometimes bad things happen to you and then you are gone...
I don't think that the older of the 2 was trying to torture her sister, I choose to believe that she is enlightened and was sharing the knowledge like a good teacher... the younger and tougher of the 2 was just being a cute little girl and if you can imagine the blondest and sweetest little pink faced girls (I swear it was right off of a hallmark card) getting all damp in the eyes and talking about heaven and shit... damn...
I got it all smoothed out by yellin' at them to "shut up back there goddammit, what the hell do you need to talk about this for" (parents, remember when using this technique to be loud and firm but don't make eye contact or they will see the fear)... and they changed the subject... but later the little angel brings it back up with her mom and there was some crying and mom was all like, WTF... and the little one was all like "I don't know what to say" and cried into her pillow and wanted to know if she would be with her mom in heaven and ... boohoo... damn, that is some sad stuff there... I will probably have to make some arrangements to die before them so I don't have to deal with it, you know...
In my line of work that should not be so hard... Ninjaing can be dangerous and all I would need to do is be distracted for a moment and that would be it... I know, I know, ninja of my skill level don't get distracted... so how would that be dangerous... well, what if I was doing ninja stuff and there was a pirate... that would distract me for a moment... or if my lovely wife was dressed up like a pirate... or Dude, yeah, a Pirate Wench... that would distract me... then I could maybe be wounded a little bit... maybe at that moment a little child could sneeze around me and POOF!!! Down for the count... no surviving that... Child Sneezes are the deadliest thing in the universe... I once saw this fight between one of those spitting cobra's and a sick child... cobra didn't have a chance...
One time, I was at this stop light, and the car behind me, there was a child hanging out the window and the sun shined in his eyes and he sneezed and the next day all the trees along that street were brown and dead... leafless...
Deadly children sneazing around ninja's distracted by their hot wives dressed like pirate wenches = death and mayhem...
I once saw this child sneeze at superman and superman died, but superman is SO gay that it is to be expected...
**
Goosh... Morrisey has this song, "I like you" ...
No one I ever knew or have spoken to
Resembles you
This is good or bad, all depending on
My general mood
Why do you think I let you get away
With all the things you say to me?
Could it be I like you
It's so shameful of me, I like you

then he says... later on...

You're not right in the head and nor am I
And this why
You're not right in the head and nor am I
And this why
This is why I like you, I like you, I like you
This is why I like you, I like you, I like you
Because you're not right in the head, and nor am I
And this is why, You're not right in the head, and nor am I
And this is why, This is why I like you, I like you, I like you, I like you
This is why I like you, I like you, I like you, I like you, This is why I like

I only mention this, cause you know what... that is as gay as I get... my homo rainbow only has a couple colors... Ninja Black, Pirate Black, nipple red, and beaver brown... no purples... nope...
minge... heh... minge brown...

runnin' with the devil...

Aaarghghg...
keep starting and stopping and starting again... can't get a flow going into any meaningful string of letters to amuse...
Doesn't help that my head is a bit off today... Went out for a few yesterday afternoon... didn't think that I had really drank that much, you dig, but if I really look for an excuse I can come up with the following:
1) all I had to eat was a ham sandwhich and some chips at lunch yesterday... no breakfast, etc... so it was all on an empty stomach (except for the peanuts at the bar, and everyone knows that peanuts are like a potentiator (they make the booze work better/stronger/more)
2) I don't drink like I used to so this was more than usual...
3) I was tired (big puss, bitching about being tired again and shit, cowboy up you fag)
4) I am thinking the bourbon was more than 80 proof, and it thinned my blood so much that the pitcher of beer flowed more directly into my bloodstream, then the scotch was heavy enough to force it in with weight or something...
5) All the alchohol was actually consumed within about 20 minutes... there was some sort of problem with time being compressed or expanded or something... it just wasn't right...
6) Conspiracy... the government is seeding the clouds with mind control stuff, so those contrails you see up in the sky, yeah, mind control stuff, and I am alergic to it or something and when it mixes with booze I react abnormally...
Yeah, shit happens, why should I have to defend myself against being out of it today... Dude, you shake hands with the devil you shouldn't be suprised if you wake up in the morning mentally pitchforked... It ain't no suprise, and it ain't like some macho thing to be able to handle all sorts of booze with no long lasting affects...
I have noticed in the past and again yesterday that after you have your fun and it all quites down that it ain't that great... the high white noise bothers me... and it is so, what, lowbrow? Cheap, but not in a good way...
Anyhow... yeah, so... it is good to shake the devils hand every once in a while... keep the memory fresh, remind you of something or other...
***
I have been dealing with this dude for about a week now, kind of a techy thing, yo... I have never met him, never actually spoke with him... I will not go into too much detail, but check it out... I do this stuff all day long, you dig, and it works... it ain't rocket science... you follow some basic steps, 1,2,3, and bingo, it works...
So this guy contacts me and wants me to do the same thing with this new dude... so I go through my usual process, tell him what I need and how long it should take (should only take about 5 minutes)... back and forth we go, I tell him what I need and why what he gave me will not work, he suggests I do this or that (he actually used the word "concatenation" on me, I had to look it up)... His position is that what he provided is perfect and everyone else in the world can do what needs to be done with it... my take is that he is full of shit and should die (at this point)...
back and forth we go, finally I tell him, just give me this little bit and I will see what I can do... The bare minimum, you dig... so he does this bare minimum and it doesn't work... so I send him and the dude that wanted me to do this for him and tell them, hey, thanks for all the effort and stuff, but go to hell, it ain't working and I am done...
so the dude emails me back and says, are you saying that the change I made did not work, and I tell him, hell no it didn't...
So he just called back and left me a message (I love caller ID) and wants to discuss it... Our conversations, going back and forth, are probably at around 100,000 words at this point, huge library of knowledge travelling electronically between here and wherever he is... my take is that there is nothing more to discuss and he can kiss my ass... I am totally gonna get myself worked up over this and MAY end up calling him just to tell him to lick it, you dig... I mean, WTF... dammit... College boy thinks he's all that... DIE DIE DIE... GOOOSSSHHHH....
***
Our finely tuned machine is back... turned out he did not have ebola... He may still be a fecalfiliac... and a big puss... but he is back... apparently the child that sneezed in his eye was a vampire and he hunted him down and ran a steak through his heart... or maybe it was a werewolf and he shot him with a silver bullet or something... He did something diabolical, so maybe it was neither of those... I think it had something to do with sacrifices and mutilations and, uh... I know stool was involved... but apparently he is vulnerable at this point, and if another child who is not his spawn sneezes in his general direction he will get congested or something... I stuck his headset down my pants yesterday... kept it there for a couple hours.. it was humid and his headset was moist when I put it back on his desk... hehe... he was using it this morning... heh...
"hey, whats that smell???"

running with the Devil!!!

Rode the bus... blah blah... feet were covered with sand and glass... blah blah... Sausage, snaggletooth, etc., etc., etc...
**
So, about this vacation...
I really am excited, and dreading it at the same time...
It is kinda strange... I will break it down, lets start with the dread...
**
OK, so any vacation I can imaging will begin with a sense of dread... major dread.
I remember when I was young and the family would go camping or something... seemed like there was always a lot of pain and anguish just before we left... bunch of running around and throwing shit and arguing and stuff... We always seemed to be hit the road all completely emotional and unhappy... I guess I carry that with me... like how people associate the dentist with pain, vacation is like that for me...
Part of my concern (and excitement at the same time) is that we will be spending about 6 days on the road... 6 days x 10 hours a day is like 2000 hours or something... I figure I will get about 45 minutes of sleep a night and will probably have to fight off bandits and random female hitchhikers from the womens halfway home for sleazy skanks... that will leave me like 2 days of actual vacation, which I will have to use to prepare for the return trip or something...
No, really... I mean, not really... but all that driving can be bitter sweet... I am an excellent driver... and I enjoy driving... but that is a LOT of driving...
I plan on stopping often... every rest stop... and at any place with the word DEVIL or EVIL or FREE BEER in it... yeah...
Really now, no-one gets excited about going to ND... I love the in-laws to death, but damn... would rather go visit them in Arizona or Vegas or Egypt or something... Oh, and they are going to be out here a few weeks after we get back... thought I would just throw that out there...
OK, so the good things...
and there will be some...
ROAD TRIP... yeah... hitchhikers from the halfway house for sleazy skanks... yeah...
We ARE going to hit the Enchanted Highway, I guarantee it... Will ride the train around the loop, yeah... I am sure that somewhere along the 1500 miles there is going to be at least 3 interesting things to see... Like that big ole' contaminated pit in Butte... and maybe the battlefield where the Indians kicked ass over Custer... Buffalo jerky, probably... Heck, I don't know... but it will be interesting...
With the girls watching their videos in the back and my old lady sleeping in the passenger seat, or knitting stuff, I should be able to listen to pretty much anything I want... We will be loaded down with electronics... Laptop, portable DVD, Digital Camera, light saber, battery charger, cell phone, you name it...
This should be a well documented trip...
Very free and easy... I am going to try and be as mellow as possible, open to any possibilities... Shh, don't tell anyone, but I am probably going to play cards with the in-laws... see how much yelling I can stand... yeah...
***
Seems that our finely tuned korean machine broke down... I mentioned how he was dying yesterday and if he infected me I was going to kick him in the knee... well, he was apparently sneezed on by a child on Saturday... an evil infectious little demon child... sick with a cross between the avian flu and leprosy (and perhaps a bit of anal warts, wouldn't doubt it)... child literally spit in his eye... rubbed some of it in an open cut on the arm... the world is out of balance, all hell breaking loose... this child must be found, smuggled into North Korea... it will take down the entire nation... I remember this movie, what was it, something about spies or something, espionage, and someone sprinkled some sand on the path of something that was supposed to be REALLY REALLY slick, yo, and when whatever it was went down the path it through it off course or created too much friction or something and something happened and there were sirens and people running all over and stuff, I think.. not really sure, anyway, it is like that... too much friction, or not enough, or something... My main concern is, dude, how sick am I going to get?!?! I am not finely tuned... I am rusty and decrepit... if I lift my arms you can smell the rot in my pits... if you cut me open it would be like in National Lampoons Christmas Vacation, when Sparky cuts into the turkey... would just fall apart with dust and emptiness (the emptiness is in my soul)... all is dark... I am in a constant twilight... So when this evil infects me, damn, how hard will I fall... Must fight it... will use RAGE to overcome the agony... FEEL THE RAGE!!! AARRGHGHGH!!!
***

Will work for... uh, oh, nevermind...

Epiphanies rarely happen over Plain Toast...
Just another example of why I hate St*rbucks...
1) Epiphany is one of those words that gets used WAY too much and WAY incorrectly... Just because you had a thought doesn't mean it was some sort of cosmic breakthrough that should change your life...
2) What better time for an epiphany is there than over plain toast? Seems like one of the most perfect situations to me... Makes more sense to have a life changing thought, like "I am going to join the peace corps" than, say, during or after sex, at which point you would probably just be thinking, "hey, I like sex"...
3) They feel the need to stick this on things they sell... I know, they are trying to get into your head, be a part of your intellect or something... but it is such a half assed effort...
4) The fact that they bother me bothers me...
I think I will write them a letter...
Dear: St*rbucks,
Kiss my ass.
Con Quidado,
Trey...
SWAK
***
The sweaty dude... he has these big thick toenails... the kind that really need to be clipped but if you actually held a pair of toenail clippers up to them (the big kind) they would look very inadequate, and they would be... really would need to use at least a pair of shears... he is always wearing these tevos, you dig... and I was kinda thinking out loud the other day that it was kinda odd that he dressed in hardly anything rides his bike... I imagine that he is all sweaty because of the bike... but really, he could just be really f'in sweaty all the time, like drippy, you know, and just walks the bike from up the block... eh... I don't think so... well, he could be sweaty all the time AND ride his bike all over the place... I am trying hard to hate him, I feel it will enrich my life...
He got on the bus on friday and squeezed in between these couple of dudes... literally had to squeeze between them. One of these dudes was a little asian guy... he lasted like 15 seconds before he jumped up and ran for the back of the bus... sweaty dude turns to the other dude and says something like "I guess he needed more room" or something completely stupid... it was kinda strange seeing him speak, it was like a cave openning under his bushy mustache... he reminded me of Terry Schiavo the way he through his head around but wasn't really communicating...
I am going to carry a big stick around with me and if when he gets on the bus, if he tries to sit next to me I will stick it in his ribs and keep him moving, like herding cattle or something... if he doesn't get it I will whack him in the shins and when he bends over in pain I will whack him in the back of the head... then I will throw a towel at him and tell him to hit the showers...
Dude... I was thinking about that movie, Speed, and imagining all these folks having to deal with that and I figure that we would all be lost... there would be a major commotion and the bus would blow... hmmnn...
***
My dream of finally eating meat deepfried on a pitchfork is getting closer and closer to coming true... in about a month, in the northern midwest, NW North Dakota, Medora... The MIL is going to take us to the pitchfork fondue... SUHWEEEEEEEEEEEET... I am hoping for a really fantatsic t-shirt out of that...
I was having some serious reservations about this whole trip, let me tell you... ND is nowhere close to, say, Mexico or Las Vegas or the Supermall... Noone (NOONE AT ALL), when they hear you are going to ND says anything like "WOW" or "COOL" or "You lucky bastard"... When you tell anyone you are going to drive to North Dakota the response is typically "Why" or "on purpose" or "Uh, whats in North Dakota"... I usually say something like, "The inlaws" and then I get the look like I am totally whipped and a pussy and stuff... Well, you know, I would do a hell of a lot worse that go to ND for my old lady...
So, yeah, I tell you what, though... I am going to kick some ass... I got plans...
Doesn't do any good to sit here and complain or be all bitchy about it... I am going to treat it like an opportunity... gonna get my freak on... will... I will I tell you... super freaky... heh...

Fueled by rage...

No, not really...
Tried to get all indignant on the bus, something about having to go to work (damn, this is my 3rd day in a row) all the time... Blah blah blah...
Have trouble getting too worked up, logically at least...
Are emotions supposed to be logical??? Am I trying to be emotional? Am I trying to be logical?
So, yeah, you can kinda see how things get derailed... can't seem to get the momentum rolling to moodyville...
Actually, I am thinking about just starting to swing wildly and randomly... anytime anyone comes within range, just WHACK...
Almost did this morning... Sausage pulled his shit again, stood in front of me, ass about in my face... I seriously seriously thought about winding up and socking him in the prostate... BAM!!! then stomping on his ankle... stealing his vest...
call him names, SCREAMING at him hysterically until I am shaking and then I would start crying and stuff... then we could be best buddies and laugh about it years later... or I could just whoop his ass and pretend it never happened... I thought about taking him out of his seat... he all sits there like he is the king of the bus or something... bastard...
Ok, so there is this other dude on the bus, he rides it on the way home... I will call him "sweaty guy". He gets on the bus at the last stop in town before we hit the highway. He has a bike and has to put it on the rack in front. So check this out... he is really really sweaty. He has this big bushy mustache and damn, I am having trouble with this...
OK, so I get on the bus and there are 2 places I could sit... one is next to this old gal that I have been riding the bus with for years, the other is next to this big ol' nordic looking gal. So we got this little game where I pretend I am going to sit somewhere else but really I am going to sit next to the old gal so the sweaty guy can't sit next to her. He is so sweaty that he is actually dripping. I figure he had to ride his bike like 200 miles and just made it to the bus before we got there... either that or he works in a sweat factory and is covered with the overspray... he was wearing these grey sweatpants (imagine that) yesterday and they were all wet and stuff... and it was kinda like, uh, you know when dudes got some sweat pants on and they are all dangling and stuff and its like a sack of kittens all pokin' here and there... so, yeah, it was like that... all sweaty and pokin out here and there and with this bushy mustache and wearing this stupid looking bike helmet and uh... damn... I hope I am portraying a negative image... I mean, I can see it and it in my head and it is kinda making me go blind or something... like blindness caused by trauma...
You know how like if there are a couple of chicks and they are all sweaty and stuff and they end up accidentally touching over and over and they are, of course, hot? you know that image? Yeah, everyone can enjoy that... Well, imagine the opposite... Way opposite...
***
Ahh... the rage is kicking in...
No, not really... Drank and drank and drank coffe this morning, drank a vitamin water, snorted a ground up kitten, had a guarana enema... nothing seems to be working... all I got is anxiety... not like the real kind of anxiety, like I am expecting something... no, this is the sitting here expecting nothing to happen and anxious about it taking so long not to happen... Hey, kinda like tweak on Southpark... heh... ok, so I am on track... next step should be the underpants gnomes... they steal your underpants:
Time to go to work! Work all night!
Search for underpants hey!
We won't stop until we have underpants!
Yum tum yummy tum hey!
***
Dude... I was just on Wikipedia and stuff, and was... anyhow... you know what... in Mongolian, minge translates to beaver... I understand it rhymes with fringe and it has something to do with, uh... pubes... girl pubes... heh...
I like to learn new things... I am a scholar, eh...
***
We are going to start a new band called The Angry Koreans and our first album will be called: Fueled by Rage. I get to be the drummer, cause I like to band the drum slowly, if you know what I mean. We are still looking for a lead singer... I am thinking that it should be a chick, a japanese chick... that would be ironic... We will all have to change our names, like the Ramones, but like Korean... we will all be like Joey Kim or Joey Baekseong or Joey Dong... We will need to find someone to play the Keytar, someone hot and blond, like my wife in highschool... she was HAWT... she is still HAWT... she can't be in the band though... we will be playing more kinda lo-fi raw stuff... unplugged and out of tune... kinda like violent Femmes meets Shonnen Knife (Konichiwa, Bitches...) Actually, more like Beat Happening meets Mudhoney meets The Blow... Hold it, that doesn't make any sense... what was I thinking...
Our second record will be called "Lance the Boil" with the hit single "Ballad of the Sore Butt"...
End transmission

Got on the bus today, after the long weekend... it was kinda sureal for some reason. There is something about standing alone by the side of the road as the sun comes up that makes me something something, insert your own feelings here...
So the bus finally shows up, and the bus driver freaks me out for some reason. Most of the time he comes rollin' up and just stops about 5 feet away from me so I have to walk up to the door. Serious, he is either 5 ft short of me or 5 ft past me... Today he comes rollin' up and kinda drifts over onto the side of the road, and he is comin right up on me... I decided to hold my ground in the hopes that I would get hit, which would make my life quite a bit more interesting... would finally have that lawsuit I have been dreaming of... Your driver was obviously negligent and my client is fully distressed and now limps which has a hugh impact on his self esteem and dreams of being a runway model...
He doesn't hit me, selfish bastard...
So I gets on the bus and there, were the sausage usually sits is snaggle tooth... It is funny, she is sitting on the outside and sitting next to her, on the window side, is this little asian dude... He looks like he was just kinda shoved aside, he is all crammed in there looking miserable... she was overflowing onto him... she was sitting in that thrown back position I have become so familiar with... reminds me of some sort of, what is the term, when someone acts like something that they actually are, only more so... so like, I am a stud, but act like a stud which makes me even more of a stud... whats that? an allegory... shit, I don't know... so she reminds me of some slob that sits in front of a tv in a dark room in a lazy boy with a bag a chips in an old t-shirt and crumbs on their belly... that is kinda how she is thrown back in the seat... all slobbin' over on this poor old asian dude. At one point the dude kinda pushed himself up and was holding onto the handle in front of him and breathin all heavy, like he was trying to get some air through the funk... he had his head against the window and was breathing funny and he fell aslead sitting up there (maybe he passed out, I don't know) but his head fell forward kinda violent like and he woke himself up... I felt so bad for him... I wanted to go over and scoop him up and get him out of there... he was tiny, I could have fit him in my pocket...
I didn't though... I am an asshole...
So when I got on the bus the snaggletooth filled my vision and I sat in the seat across the aisle away from her... which put me right next to the sausage... he was trying to sleep, or pretending to try to sleep... he was also slobbin over the seat and his feet were invading my personal space... I had this thought, that since he was sleeping and he was right there, bigger than life, that I could just cock back and wallop him... crack him right in the jaw... pop him in the ear... otherwise abuse him with violence... but I was scared I might get some on me and would turn into one of those traumatized people, washing my skin down to the bone trying to get the stink off... or my fist would sink down into his skull like a moldy mushroom...
I wish I had my camera and could have snuck a picture or two... there was about 18 inches of space between snaggle tooth and the sausage, so if you had to go down the aisle you would end up brushing up against both of them... it made my testes get all bunched up... I get the heebyjeebies just thinkin about it...
So We get to Seattle and the sausage gets up and moves like 2 feet from his seat, and where do you think he ends up... DAMMITT!!!! I could be imaging it just a bit, but why the hell does he always end up standing next to me with his ass within a few short inches of my face... I swear one of these morning I am gonna give him a big old knuckle punch to the ass cheek (or an uppercut to the taint) and as he staggers there trying to figure out what happened and how to move through the pain I will grab him and throw him head first off the bus and stand there in the doorway with my hands on my hips and glare at him, and DUDE, I will say something so witty at that point that everyone on the bus will applaud... a standing ovation...
As it stands these people are giving me a case of the anachronistic displacements... they are people out of time, in my mind, and they do not belong here... they belong in a time that doesn't involve me... sometime in the future when the tards rule the earth... although I hate to lump them in with the mentally something something, wouldn't want to do that to the truley retarded... I want to lump them in with other people that I hate, which I will refer to as tards from here on out, until I come up with something better... you know, like how it is ok to say something is really gay, but it ain't a dig at gay people, or like how you can call someone brother, but not like they are related to you but how black people use it, which is much more meaningful I think... Ok, I totally stole that, but so what...
**
Ok, so I dropped my meat on my big toe yesterday...
Not that meat... I am careful with that... this was a different big hunk of meat... it was in the freezer and it was frozen, imagine that... I was helpin the Noner with something, and I heard this woosh like something big and heavy but slick and covered with tinfoil sliding out of the freezer and heading for your big toe... not sure if that was how it actually sounded, but looking back, that is exactly how I remember it sounding... I can still hear the crack of it hitting my in the tip of my big toe on my left foot... if it had hit a half inch to the south (I was facing a generally northward direction) it would have broke my toe clean off... as it stands it I must have had my toe pointing upwards as it hit this part of my toe I would not imagine it being able to hit... I was hoping to get a nasty ass bruise under my nail that I could let get infected and squeeze the pus out of, but no... instead I get this funky spider web type buise on the end that noone can see unless I stick it right up in their face...
I keep hitting my toe on things... bang... and yesterday the chirrens kept bouncing and stepping and stomping and generally abusing my one foot... what the hell, I know they weren't doing it on purpose, they love me, they really do... but coincidentally my foot was getting altogether too much attention...
And it ain't like I can sit here and wiggle around like I have a boil on my bunghole... it's just my toe and bringing it up makes me a great big puss... and apparently one of my greatest fears in life is appearing to be a big puss as noone finds that attractive and once a hole is found the alpha male ends up having to defend his leadership all the time... gotta keep my bitches in line, you dig... you know, like the dogs mean it... shut up...
but my toe hurts and I want someone to care or something and do something for me like making me a chili dog with some yellow cheese melted on top... or pick me up from work... heh...