Got on the bus today, after the long weekend... it was kinda sureal for some reason. There is something about standing alone by the side of the road as the sun comes up that makes me something something, insert your own feelings here...
So the bus finally shows up, and the bus driver freaks me out for some reason. Most of the time he comes rollin' up and just stops about 5 feet away from me so I have to walk up to the door. Serious, he is either 5 ft short of me or 5 ft past me... Today he comes rollin' up and kinda drifts over onto the side of the road, and he is comin right up on me... I decided to hold my ground in the hopes that I would get hit, which would make my life quite a bit more interesting... would finally have that lawsuit I have been dreaming of... Your driver was obviously negligent and my client is fully distressed and now limps which has a hugh impact on his self esteem and dreams of being a runway model...
He doesn't hit me, selfish bastard...
So I gets on the bus and there, were the sausage usually sits is snaggle tooth... It is funny, she is sitting on the outside and sitting next to her, on the window side, is this little asian dude... He looks like he was just kinda shoved aside, he is all crammed in there looking miserable... she was overflowing onto him... she was sitting in that thrown back position I have become so familiar with... reminds me of some sort of, what is the term, when someone acts like something that they actually are, only more so... so like, I am a stud, but act like a stud which makes me even more of a stud... whats that? an allegory... shit, I don't know... so she reminds me of some slob that sits in front of a tv in a dark room in a lazy boy with a bag a chips in an old t-shirt and crumbs on their belly... that is kinda how she is thrown back in the seat... all slobbin' over on this poor old asian dude. At one point the dude kinda pushed himself up and was holding onto the handle in front of him and breathin all heavy, like he was trying to get some air through the funk... he had his head against the window and was breathing funny and he fell aslead sitting up there (maybe he passed out, I don't know) but his head fell forward kinda violent like and he woke himself up... I felt so bad for him... I wanted to go over and scoop him up and get him out of there... he was tiny, I could have fit him in my pocket...
I didn't though... I am an asshole...
So when I got on the bus the snaggletooth filled my vision and I sat in the seat across the aisle away from her... which put me right next to the sausage... he was trying to sleep, or pretending to try to sleep... he was also slobbin over the seat and his feet were invading my personal space... I had this thought, that since he was sleeping and he was right there, bigger than life, that I could just cock back and wallop him... crack him right in the jaw... pop him in the ear... otherwise abuse him with violence... but I was scared I might get some on me and would turn into one of those traumatized people, washing my skin down to the bone trying to get the stink off... or my fist would sink down into his skull like a moldy mushroom...
I wish I had my camera and could have snuck a picture or two... there was about 18 inches of space between snaggle tooth and the sausage, so if you had to go down the aisle you would end up brushing up against both of them... it made my testes get all bunched up... I get the heebyjeebies just thinkin about it...
So We get to Seattle and the sausage gets up and moves like 2 feet from his seat, and where do you think he ends up... DAMMITT!!!! I could be imaging it just a bit, but why the hell does he always end up standing next to me with his ass within a few short inches of my face... I swear one of these morning I am gonna give him a big old knuckle punch to the ass cheek (or an uppercut to the taint) and as he staggers there trying to figure out what happened and how to move through the pain I will grab him and throw him head first off the bus and stand there in the doorway with my hands on my hips and glare at him, and DUDE, I will say something so witty at that point that everyone on the bus will applaud... a standing ovation...
As it stands these people are giving me a case of the anachronistic displacements... they are people out of time, in my mind, and they do not belong here... they belong in a time that doesn't involve me... sometime in the future when the tards rule the earth... although I hate to lump them in with the mentally something something, wouldn't want to do that to the truley retarded... I want to lump them in with other people that I hate, which I will refer to as tards from here on out, until I come up with something better... you know, like how it is ok to say something is really gay, but it ain't a dig at gay people, or like how you can call someone brother, but not like they are related to you but how black people use it, which is much more meaningful I think... Ok, I totally stole that, but so what...
**
Ok, so I dropped my meat on my big toe yesterday...
Not that meat... I am careful with that... this was a different big hunk of meat... it was in the freezer and it was frozen, imagine that... I was helpin the Noner with something, and I heard this woosh like something big and heavy but slick and covered with tinfoil sliding out of the freezer and heading for your big toe... not sure if that was how it actually sounded, but looking back, that is exactly how I remember it sounding... I can still hear the crack of it hitting my in the tip of my big toe on my left foot... if it had hit a half inch to the south (I was facing a generally northward direction) it would have broke my toe clean off... as it stands it I must have had my toe pointing upwards as it hit this part of my toe I would not imagine it being able to hit... I was hoping to get a nasty ass bruise under my nail that I could let get infected and squeeze the pus out of, but no... instead I get this funky spider web type buise on the end that noone can see unless I stick it right up in their face...
I keep hitting my toe on things... bang... and yesterday the chirrens kept bouncing and stepping and stomping and generally abusing my one foot... what the hell, I know they weren't doing it on purpose, they love me, they really do... but coincidentally my foot was getting altogether too much attention...
And it ain't like I can sit here and wiggle around like I have a boil on my bunghole... it's just my toe and bringing it up makes me a great big puss... and apparently one of my greatest fears in life is appearing to be a big puss as noone finds that attractive and once a hole is found the alpha male ends up having to defend his leadership all the time... gotta keep my bitches in line, you dig... you know, like the dogs mean it... shut up...
but my toe hurts and I want someone to care or something and do something for me like making me a chili dog with some yellow cheese melted on top... or pick me up from work... heh...
So the bus finally shows up, and the bus driver freaks me out for some reason. Most of the time he comes rollin' up and just stops about 5 feet away from me so I have to walk up to the door. Serious, he is either 5 ft short of me or 5 ft past me... Today he comes rollin' up and kinda drifts over onto the side of the road, and he is comin right up on me... I decided to hold my ground in the hopes that I would get hit, which would make my life quite a bit more interesting... would finally have that lawsuit I have been dreaming of... Your driver was obviously negligent and my client is fully distressed and now limps which has a hugh impact on his self esteem and dreams of being a runway model...
He doesn't hit me, selfish bastard...
So I gets on the bus and there, were the sausage usually sits is snaggle tooth... It is funny, she is sitting on the outside and sitting next to her, on the window side, is this little asian dude... He looks like he was just kinda shoved aside, he is all crammed in there looking miserable... she was overflowing onto him... she was sitting in that thrown back position I have become so familiar with... reminds me of some sort of, what is the term, when someone acts like something that they actually are, only more so... so like, I am a stud, but act like a stud which makes me even more of a stud... whats that? an allegory... shit, I don't know... so she reminds me of some slob that sits in front of a tv in a dark room in a lazy boy with a bag a chips in an old t-shirt and crumbs on their belly... that is kinda how she is thrown back in the seat... all slobbin' over on this poor old asian dude. At one point the dude kinda pushed himself up and was holding onto the handle in front of him and breathin all heavy, like he was trying to get some air through the funk... he had his head against the window and was breathing funny and he fell aslead sitting up there (maybe he passed out, I don't know) but his head fell forward kinda violent like and he woke himself up... I felt so bad for him... I wanted to go over and scoop him up and get him out of there... he was tiny, I could have fit him in my pocket...
I didn't though... I am an asshole...
So when I got on the bus the snaggletooth filled my vision and I sat in the seat across the aisle away from her... which put me right next to the sausage... he was trying to sleep, or pretending to try to sleep... he was also slobbin over the seat and his feet were invading my personal space... I had this thought, that since he was sleeping and he was right there, bigger than life, that I could just cock back and wallop him... crack him right in the jaw... pop him in the ear... otherwise abuse him with violence... but I was scared I might get some on me and would turn into one of those traumatized people, washing my skin down to the bone trying to get the stink off... or my fist would sink down into his skull like a moldy mushroom...
I wish I had my camera and could have snuck a picture or two... there was about 18 inches of space between snaggle tooth and the sausage, so if you had to go down the aisle you would end up brushing up against both of them... it made my testes get all bunched up... I get the heebyjeebies just thinkin about it...
So We get to Seattle and the sausage gets up and moves like 2 feet from his seat, and where do you think he ends up... DAMMITT!!!! I could be imaging it just a bit, but why the hell does he always end up standing next to me with his ass within a few short inches of my face... I swear one of these morning I am gonna give him a big old knuckle punch to the ass cheek (or an uppercut to the taint) and as he staggers there trying to figure out what happened and how to move through the pain I will grab him and throw him head first off the bus and stand there in the doorway with my hands on my hips and glare at him, and DUDE, I will say something so witty at that point that everyone on the bus will applaud... a standing ovation...
As it stands these people are giving me a case of the anachronistic displacements... they are people out of time, in my mind, and they do not belong here... they belong in a time that doesn't involve me... sometime in the future when the tards rule the earth... although I hate to lump them in with the mentally something something, wouldn't want to do that to the truley retarded... I want to lump them in with other people that I hate, which I will refer to as tards from here on out, until I come up with something better... you know, like how it is ok to say something is really gay, but it ain't a dig at gay people, or like how you can call someone brother, but not like they are related to you but how black people use it, which is much more meaningful I think... Ok, I totally stole that, but so what...
**
Ok, so I dropped my meat on my big toe yesterday...
Not that meat... I am careful with that... this was a different big hunk of meat... it was in the freezer and it was frozen, imagine that... I was helpin the Noner with something, and I heard this woosh like something big and heavy but slick and covered with tinfoil sliding out of the freezer and heading for your big toe... not sure if that was how it actually sounded, but looking back, that is exactly how I remember it sounding... I can still hear the crack of it hitting my in the tip of my big toe on my left foot... if it had hit a half inch to the south (I was facing a generally northward direction) it would have broke my toe clean off... as it stands it I must have had my toe pointing upwards as it hit this part of my toe I would not imagine it being able to hit... I was hoping to get a nasty ass bruise under my nail that I could let get infected and squeeze the pus out of, but no... instead I get this funky spider web type buise on the end that noone can see unless I stick it right up in their face...
I keep hitting my toe on things... bang... and yesterday the chirrens kept bouncing and stepping and stomping and generally abusing my one foot... what the hell, I know they weren't doing it on purpose, they love me, they really do... but coincidentally my foot was getting altogether too much attention...
And it ain't like I can sit here and wiggle around like I have a boil on my bunghole... it's just my toe and bringing it up makes me a great big puss... and apparently one of my greatest fears in life is appearing to be a big puss as noone finds that attractive and once a hole is found the alpha male ends up having to defend his leadership all the time... gotta keep my bitches in line, you dig... you know, like the dogs mean it... shut up...
but my toe hurts and I want someone to care or something and do something for me like making me a chili dog with some yellow cheese melted on top... or pick me up from work... heh...
posted by Catfish at 9:56 AM
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