ch-chickity checkin' himself...
Somehow I made it through the day yesterday without killing, maiming or otherwise fuckin' someone up. Just barely, though... Like last night, after ninja training, I went to the new Korean super grocery store (the H Mart) for some supplies, right... Got 2 cases of Bowl noodle, some kimchi (good for the wang), 2 bags of onion/garlic chip thingies (good for the thingie), a Heineken (good for the heinie) and some chili garlic sauce stuff... Came this close (finger and thumb about this far apart) to bein' t-boned by this group of Japanese dudes in a Honda... Resisted making snide remarks about being asian and poor drivers and ain't that typical. Got in the store and about had to pile drive this ancient lady that parked her walker in the middle of the aisle in such a way that noone could go around her, while she walked over to look as some stuff that I didn't know what it was... But I respect my elders for the most part and I could sense that she knew the touch of death herself so didn't want to risk it... There was a japanese girl with big boobs, but that is not really relevant... Uh, oh, yeah, this other gal, looked like she had some money and expected to be treated better than the rest of us, or at least, she sucked, something like that... she tried to cut in front of me and about 5 other people in the checkout. I grunted at her and stuck out my thumb and made "get your ass to the back of the line" motions at her... she was disgruntled... she disappeared...
Suddenly, I saw these 2 H Mart employess come sprinting up the front of the store, like Bo and Luke jumpin' into the General Lee they catapulted themselves into a couple fresh checkstands... I was confused for a moment, well, not confused, lets say I was being cautious, didn't want to kill any of the civilians by moving in a rash manner... so, yeah... out of the corner of my eye I saw this blur come flying by me... Fist of fury, red flame, powered up, cowboy eyes, legs slightly bent, testicles up tight, ready...
I held back, I held back... I remembered my training and I held back... it was the gal with the attitude... She must have been greased up the way she moved through the crowd... someone she pushed through something like 20 people, and got to the checkstand first. Since I was already charged up I was right behind her... I could tell she sensed how close to death she had just come, she was shaking a little bit so I exagerated my movements as I placed my food on the belt... She had trouble getting the fuck out of the way (move it, dammit) and was still at the end of the checkstand when I got all paid up... I looked all squinty eyed at her as I moved past her and I think she pee'd a little...
You know what it is like, being all pumped up like that, all jazzed, charged... and then be denied? Man, I got it all pent up inside. It hurts a bit, more like a dull throb, you know what I mean? Sore and tight... nothing worse than a false start... need to do something about it, something to, uh, "release" the pressure... hmmnn...
**
OK, I am pretty sure the sausage is up to some sort of hijinks. You know how I mentioned that he gets up like 10 miles before his stop and stands right in front of me? Remember that? So, usually I am farther back on the bus, at the end of the bench seats, dig... So today I sat directly behind the driver, much closer to the door. So usually the sausage stands back a ways, but today, since I was up closer, suddenly he is right up on me again. I was all like WTF...
If he does it tomorrow, so help me, I am gonna kick him in the shin so hard it cracks the bone and he falls on his face... Or, better yet, I am gonna knuckle punch him in the ass, give him one nasty charlie horse and big bruise so for the next week, anytime he sits or does anything else with his ass, he will remember.
**
Hey, OK, so I will keep this on the downlow (opps, not supposed to say that) but I wanted to tell you about a little somethin' somethin'... you may think it is a little weird, but trust me on this...
Tomorrow morning, after you get out of the shower, and you need to take a big crap, right... well, before you sit down, grab yourself a couple q-tips... so, yeah, while you are poopin' stick one of them q-tips in your ear and clean it out... you will be amazed... it is.. uh, very interesting, sensation wise... try it... I suppose, if you wanted to, you could just stick a couple in your pocket and when you get to work and have a couple cups of coffee and find that secret bathroom that doesn't get much traffic you could do it there... Dude, yeah, crappin' at work and cleaning out your ears... classic...
**
Even a ninja gets tired... Vikings, yeah, they get tired too... Ninja Vikings, like me, we can go and go (if you know what I mean), but goddamn, double damn damn, I am ready to drop... must make it through week, life passing me by, rest is for pussies... I was so tired yesterday I was talking to my shirt... serious, when I was getting dressed and looking through my closet I was all like, yeah, I will wear stripey, hello stripey... Luckily the shirt did not talk back, eh... today, the eyes, they are all heavy and scratchy... head is heavy... stuff and things and creativity is shot... they say (and I have said many times) that sleep deprivation is like being legally drunk or something... something about being at some percent of the legal limit or some crap like that (the source of this information is a complete dipshit and I should assume that he was flat out wrong again). If this is true than I am on a bender... I am the Charles Bukowski of tired. The Hunter S. Thompson of sleepy. The drunken brother of the sand man... yeah...
Suddenly, I saw these 2 H Mart employess come sprinting up the front of the store, like Bo and Luke jumpin' into the General Lee they catapulted themselves into a couple fresh checkstands... I was confused for a moment, well, not confused, lets say I was being cautious, didn't want to kill any of the civilians by moving in a rash manner... so, yeah... out of the corner of my eye I saw this blur come flying by me... Fist of fury, red flame, powered up, cowboy eyes, legs slightly bent, testicles up tight, ready...
I held back, I held back... I remembered my training and I held back... it was the gal with the attitude... She must have been greased up the way she moved through the crowd... someone she pushed through something like 20 people, and got to the checkstand first. Since I was already charged up I was right behind her... I could tell she sensed how close to death she had just come, she was shaking a little bit so I exagerated my movements as I placed my food on the belt... She had trouble getting the fuck out of the way (move it, dammit) and was still at the end of the checkstand when I got all paid up... I looked all squinty eyed at her as I moved past her and I think she pee'd a little...
You know what it is like, being all pumped up like that, all jazzed, charged... and then be denied? Man, I got it all pent up inside. It hurts a bit, more like a dull throb, you know what I mean? Sore and tight... nothing worse than a false start... need to do something about it, something to, uh, "release" the pressure... hmmnn...
**
OK, I am pretty sure the sausage is up to some sort of hijinks. You know how I mentioned that he gets up like 10 miles before his stop and stands right in front of me? Remember that? So, usually I am farther back on the bus, at the end of the bench seats, dig... So today I sat directly behind the driver, much closer to the door. So usually the sausage stands back a ways, but today, since I was up closer, suddenly he is right up on me again. I was all like WTF...
If he does it tomorrow, so help me, I am gonna kick him in the shin so hard it cracks the bone and he falls on his face... Or, better yet, I am gonna knuckle punch him in the ass, give him one nasty charlie horse and big bruise so for the next week, anytime he sits or does anything else with his ass, he will remember.
**
Hey, OK, so I will keep this on the downlow (opps, not supposed to say that) but I wanted to tell you about a little somethin' somethin'... you may think it is a little weird, but trust me on this...
Tomorrow morning, after you get out of the shower, and you need to take a big crap, right... well, before you sit down, grab yourself a couple q-tips... so, yeah, while you are poopin' stick one of them q-tips in your ear and clean it out... you will be amazed... it is.. uh, very interesting, sensation wise... try it... I suppose, if you wanted to, you could just stick a couple in your pocket and when you get to work and have a couple cups of coffee and find that secret bathroom that doesn't get much traffic you could do it there... Dude, yeah, crappin' at work and cleaning out your ears... classic...
**
Even a ninja gets tired... Vikings, yeah, they get tired too... Ninja Vikings, like me, we can go and go (if you know what I mean), but goddamn, double damn damn, I am ready to drop... must make it through week, life passing me by, rest is for pussies... I was so tired yesterday I was talking to my shirt... serious, when I was getting dressed and looking through my closet I was all like, yeah, I will wear stripey, hello stripey... Luckily the shirt did not talk back, eh... today, the eyes, they are all heavy and scratchy... head is heavy... stuff and things and creativity is shot... they say (and I have said many times) that sleep deprivation is like being legally drunk or something... something about being at some percent of the legal limit or some crap like that (the source of this information is a complete dipshit and I should assume that he was flat out wrong again). If this is true than I am on a bender... I am the Charles Bukowski of tired. The Hunter S. Thompson of sleepy. The drunken brother of the sand man... yeah...
posted by Catfish at 8:20 AM
<< Home