gettin' his britches all in a bunch....
Yeha, holy shit, it is certainly hot, isn't it?
Indeed...
I tell you what, let’s act like complete assholes...
This is surely the apocalypse, eh?
Example?
Sure:
So we are coming back from West Seattle and are busting down that freeway that goes through Burien, I can never remember what it is called... Anyhow, I pass this truck pulling a boat, just kinda go by them is all, not like a high speed maneuver... they were in the left lane doing like 60 and I was in the right lane doing like 65, you dig...
So I get by them a ways and decide I will change lanes over to the left... I check my mirror to the left and there is the truck, a good ways back, good times... So I hit my signal, start drifting over to the left and check again, like a good driver should, to make sure it is all clear...
HOLY SHIT?!!?!? WTF!?!?! Swerve, swear... fear... this friggin Cadillac comes out of friggin nowhere, very fast, and is just about coming straight up my ass... I get back over in the right hand lane like a pro and look over to my left... the Cadillac is full of these chicks, they gots the window down and they are all waving their hands and screaming at me like I am some sort of idiot... they look very mad... I do my white boy wave, hey, sorry about that... and they take off like a bat out of hell...
I know what happened... they were rolling at probably about 90 since I was doing close to 70, came up on the truck with the boat and did a quick jog to the right with the plan of moving back in front of it... like NASCAR, yo... so when I start doing my little shuffle to the left it was at the same time they came roarin' around the pick-up...
Scared the shit out of me, I tell you, but you know what I remember most and pisses my off completely? Looking over at them after I got out of the way and seeing them screaming at me and looking so completely insane with rage and self righteousness... Oooh, it sets my blood to boiling, I mean, screw you... aaarrghghg...
**
So I was kickin' it at the pool that afternoon, took the Noner down to swim, her friends mama was down there so I sat and talked with her a bit... it was pretty packed in the pool, interesting array of people... This one dude showed up, kinda young, maybe 17 or 18, looked like a Hawaiian god or something... imagine your favorite Hawaiian god and that is what he looked like... anyhow, there were people, this Mexican family, like 5 or 6 boys and dad and mom sitting in the corner, the boys were retarded or something, or just were treated like they were retarded... Dad kept yelling about something, something to do with life preservers and get the hell out of the pool and people are staring stop it and stuff... Which is kinda weird, cause I know that one of the little dudes can swim like a MF'n porpoise or something... in fact, I have a picture of him leaping through the air about to do a cannonball... So I don't know what the dynamics were, but dad was insisting all of them wore life jackets and mom just sat in the corner...
So I was talkin with the Noners friends mama and she said something about smackin' them kids on the ass or something to that affect and I was asking if she could understand what he was going on about and she said she didn't and I said, hey, are you Mexican or something, and she said something about, can't you tell? and I got to use my line (which I stole by the way) about how "I don't see race, all I see is Americans" and she laughed, hahahahaa...
**
So Sunday, I take the Noner back down to the pool, there are a few people there, the usual suspects, probably about 10 people in the pool... The Hawaiian god dude was there with his girlfriend or sister or something, the deaf woman and her friend, this dude with his 2 kids, maybe another one or two...
So, then these like 7 people show up, they are black (and I don't know what relevance that really has, but they were not Mexican or white, and why do I care... anyhow) and they are beautiful...
WELL put together girls, and boys... The girls looked like they had some pride in their appearance and knew what kind of clothes look good on them and should be worn to the pool... a couple of the gals were a little chunky perhaps, but in a flattering way... and they were all super polite, making sure not to splash each other or any of the kids at the pool, or make too much noise... they were nice kids... they had fun and everyone enjoyed having them there...
Then their polar opposites show up... these people were sloppy, loud, ugly, mean, rude... uh... many negative things... they came rolling in like a friggin' whirlwind... I know they didn't live around there, they were friends of this gal that had been laying out at the pool... this one little girl, maybe 7 or 8, was sooooo fat... her thighs were huge and like, you know how your thighs can rub together maybe a little up towards the top if you really try??? Well, this little gals legs all rubbed together all the way down past her knees... and she had somehow got somewhat stuffed into this bathing suit that was a bit too small for her... it was probably made for someone her age, but damn, I don't know how she fit into it... I will not even venture to describe it...
So there were like 3 or 4 of these large young girls, tiny beady eyes... the youngest one came stomping into the pool and about stepped on these 2 little girls (oh, these little girls had a hot momma, but it could have just been comparatively speaking, because my wife was not there and this gal was height/weight proportionate, which is rare in the pool area)... the other couple of hefties just kinda fell into the water and invariably either almost hit someone getting in or at least splashed water in their eyes...
I was watching the Noner and she was all wide eyed and looking at them like WTF... she kinda kept close to the side and stuff...
So these whales just started grabbin' everything in sight, all the toys that the other kids had brought down, goggles, floaties, water tube thingies, you name it... they took them, all of them... one of them took the floaty we had brought down and somehow got it down over her head but it couldn't go down past her waist... then she grabbed this water tube thing and she started, uh, don't know, kinda like this bizarre whale type of breaching movement... she kinda would throw herself forward and her head would go underwater but the floaty was somehow keeping her somewhat afloat, and the water tub thing floated also so her hands were up... so she is flopping and floating and stuff and everyone is havin' to get out of her way since she is flailing about... damn there was a lot of commotion...
Oh, there were about 30+ people in the pool at this point... and it ain't that big a pool... so the other dad that was down there got his 2 kids out... the hot momma took her 2 kids over to the side and kinda sat there protecting them... the attractive black kids got out (this one gal that was there, she was all like, SHABOWWWW!!! BAM!!! I was all like, that has got to be obscene, cause she had it all packed in there like a pint of ice-cream or something that gets packed in there, you know what I mean)... So I gave the 5 minute warning and told Noner to get her stuff gathered up... she grabbed her goggles and was looking around and was a bit concerned as the one whale had her floaty and didn't look like she was gonna give it up... so she asked me if I would get her floaty and I was all like, yeah, don't worry about it... so she was lookin around and this boy came swimming up underwater towards her... she saw him coming and tried to move out of the way but he kept coming towards her and all of a sudden she kinda jumped and the kid came up from under the water and she was all staring at him like what the hell are you doing and she backed away from him and stuff and got out of the pool, still kinda staring at him... now I don't really know what all happened, he was probably her age and he was swimming around all gettin up on people, but of course, being her dad makes me wanna kick his little ass if he did something, but maybe he doesn't understand what he is doing, or maybe he didn't really do anything and she was just confused and at the same time I want her to learn to deal with little pricks on her own cause I won't always be there to help her and she needs to quickly and decisively strike with much force if she is threatened...
So anyway, she gets out and I get up and start moving around the pool to get the floaty... I try to get the whales attention, and I am pretty sure she heard me, but she kept turning in the opposite direction from me and kept doing her real freaky whale breachy thing... Serious, as soon as she would come up I would be all like, hey... Well, it was more like this...
1) Excuse me, can I... (she looks at me, turns away)
2) Hey, excuse me, can... (she looks at me, puts her head under, somehow kinda turns)
3) Hey... I need... (she doesn't even bother to look this time, just goes under and turns)
4) LET ME HAVE THE FLOATY!!! (she starts to twist away and go under)
The beauty happens at this point; her momma stands up and screams at her... I don't remember her name, but lets give her something exotic, like Quetzalquatal... She is all like:
"QUETZALQUATAL, GODDAMITT GIMME THOSE FLOAT THINGIES RIGHT NOW!!!"
The little girl hears that and somehow is able to unwedge herself from the floaty and kinda pushes it towards me and her momma yells about giving up the water tube thing too... So the girl burns some holes of hate in me with her eyes and sinks down into the water like a hippo or water buffalo or something stupid and animal like because I hate her...
I grab the floaty and her mom starts swinging the water tube around at me and is all like belligerent and says something similar to "here you go" but much more uppity and evil (stupid bitch) and I am all like (with my eyebrows all up high) "That isn't mine" and I turn all haughty like... grabbed my little girl and took one last look at the hot momma who is not nearly as hot as my wife but the best that the pool had to offer at the moment, and I left...
**
So here is the thing... it hardly ever really gets hot like this around here (but we had better get used to it)... suddenly there aren't enough fans and air conditioners to go around and I have to assume that some people are getting all belligerent that their local store doesn't have one for every person in the Puget Sound, which would still mean that we would be short since certain assholes in the eastside would buy up 5 of them just in case or to keep their garage cool or something stupid...
But what I am really getting at is that people in the NW, or lets just say King County, are not prepared for the heat in many ways... My personal problem is with people going out of the house dressed like stupid buttholes... Like people going swimming but they don't have a swimming suit because realistically they have not been swimming in a couple years and they will probably swim twice this year... that does NOT mean you should wear your boyfriends boxers or cut off sweat pants to the pool to swim in... along with one of their wife beaters and your Kmart blue bra... unless you are hot, then go ahead... and the dudes, damn, so all the shorts they have generally are these ones that are like down past their knees but well above their ankles, and this is all they have to swim in... I mean, good god and jesus as well... it costs like 50 cents to buy a pair of cheap ass swimming trunks up at the fred meyer... go get a pair... ladies, they make these real cute swimsuits and sell them at Old Navy and other places, now most of you should not be seen in a 2 piece so get yourself a cute one piece... or at least something that was actually meant for swimming... and you know you got yourself a big ass purse with all sorts of shit in it... fold up that suit and keep it in your purse while it is so friggin hot and you are going over to your boyfriends buddies house with the pool...
And DAMN... I have seen more dudes out in their undershirts... serious, undershirts... not t-shirts but actual shirts that usually never see the light of day because they are hidden, and they should be hidden, because they are ugly and gross and stained and stretched...
What is really freaking me out is that some of these people, if you just randomly passed them or glanced at them in their normal local clothing/costumes, would perhaps appear to be attractive... but somehow, when the thermometer rises up a little bit, people end up getting uglier and uglier... and the weather lately just proves my theory that most people look much better with clothes on than without...
Wouldn't it be cool if the sun were like positive energy or something, the nicer it is out the more attractive everyone gets... so when we get to these heat waves suddenly it is like supermodels all over the friggin place... yeah... or if we really were some hidden tribe of beauty and noone really realized it until the sun came out and suddenly everyone is all like, DAMN!!! Where have YOU been hidden...?
Why does this beautiful weather have to conspire against us and make us hate each other, or at least make some many people appear to be soooooo unattractive???
Indeed...
I tell you what, let’s act like complete assholes...
This is surely the apocalypse, eh?
Example?
Sure:
So we are coming back from West Seattle and are busting down that freeway that goes through Burien, I can never remember what it is called... Anyhow, I pass this truck pulling a boat, just kinda go by them is all, not like a high speed maneuver... they were in the left lane doing like 60 and I was in the right lane doing like 65, you dig...
So I get by them a ways and decide I will change lanes over to the left... I check my mirror to the left and there is the truck, a good ways back, good times... So I hit my signal, start drifting over to the left and check again, like a good driver should, to make sure it is all clear...
HOLY SHIT?!!?!? WTF!?!?! Swerve, swear... fear... this friggin Cadillac comes out of friggin nowhere, very fast, and is just about coming straight up my ass... I get back over in the right hand lane like a pro and look over to my left... the Cadillac is full of these chicks, they gots the window down and they are all waving their hands and screaming at me like I am some sort of idiot... they look very mad... I do my white boy wave, hey, sorry about that... and they take off like a bat out of hell...
I know what happened... they were rolling at probably about 90 since I was doing close to 70, came up on the truck with the boat and did a quick jog to the right with the plan of moving back in front of it... like NASCAR, yo... so when I start doing my little shuffle to the left it was at the same time they came roarin' around the pick-up...
Scared the shit out of me, I tell you, but you know what I remember most and pisses my off completely? Looking over at them after I got out of the way and seeing them screaming at me and looking so completely insane with rage and self righteousness... Oooh, it sets my blood to boiling, I mean, screw you... aaarrghghg...
**
So I was kickin' it at the pool that afternoon, took the Noner down to swim, her friends mama was down there so I sat and talked with her a bit... it was pretty packed in the pool, interesting array of people... This one dude showed up, kinda young, maybe 17 or 18, looked like a Hawaiian god or something... imagine your favorite Hawaiian god and that is what he looked like... anyhow, there were people, this Mexican family, like 5 or 6 boys and dad and mom sitting in the corner, the boys were retarded or something, or just were treated like they were retarded... Dad kept yelling about something, something to do with life preservers and get the hell out of the pool and people are staring stop it and stuff... Which is kinda weird, cause I know that one of the little dudes can swim like a MF'n porpoise or something... in fact, I have a picture of him leaping through the air about to do a cannonball... So I don't know what the dynamics were, but dad was insisting all of them wore life jackets and mom just sat in the corner...
So I was talkin with the Noners friends mama and she said something about smackin' them kids on the ass or something to that affect and I was asking if she could understand what he was going on about and she said she didn't and I said, hey, are you Mexican or something, and she said something about, can't you tell? and I got to use my line (which I stole by the way) about how "I don't see race, all I see is Americans" and she laughed, hahahahaa...
**
So Sunday, I take the Noner back down to the pool, there are a few people there, the usual suspects, probably about 10 people in the pool... The Hawaiian god dude was there with his girlfriend or sister or something, the deaf woman and her friend, this dude with his 2 kids, maybe another one or two...
So, then these like 7 people show up, they are black (and I don't know what relevance that really has, but they were not Mexican or white, and why do I care... anyhow) and they are beautiful...
WELL put together girls, and boys... The girls looked like they had some pride in their appearance and knew what kind of clothes look good on them and should be worn to the pool... a couple of the gals were a little chunky perhaps, but in a flattering way... and they were all super polite, making sure not to splash each other or any of the kids at the pool, or make too much noise... they were nice kids... they had fun and everyone enjoyed having them there...
Then their polar opposites show up... these people were sloppy, loud, ugly, mean, rude... uh... many negative things... they came rolling in like a friggin' whirlwind... I know they didn't live around there, they were friends of this gal that had been laying out at the pool... this one little girl, maybe 7 or 8, was sooooo fat... her thighs were huge and like, you know how your thighs can rub together maybe a little up towards the top if you really try??? Well, this little gals legs all rubbed together all the way down past her knees... and she had somehow got somewhat stuffed into this bathing suit that was a bit too small for her... it was probably made for someone her age, but damn, I don't know how she fit into it... I will not even venture to describe it...
So there were like 3 or 4 of these large young girls, tiny beady eyes... the youngest one came stomping into the pool and about stepped on these 2 little girls (oh, these little girls had a hot momma, but it could have just been comparatively speaking, because my wife was not there and this gal was height/weight proportionate, which is rare in the pool area)... the other couple of hefties just kinda fell into the water and invariably either almost hit someone getting in or at least splashed water in their eyes...
I was watching the Noner and she was all wide eyed and looking at them like WTF... she kinda kept close to the side and stuff...
So these whales just started grabbin' everything in sight, all the toys that the other kids had brought down, goggles, floaties, water tube thingies, you name it... they took them, all of them... one of them took the floaty we had brought down and somehow got it down over her head but it couldn't go down past her waist... then she grabbed this water tube thing and she started, uh, don't know, kinda like this bizarre whale type of breaching movement... she kinda would throw herself forward and her head would go underwater but the floaty was somehow keeping her somewhat afloat, and the water tub thing floated also so her hands were up... so she is flopping and floating and stuff and everyone is havin' to get out of her way since she is flailing about... damn there was a lot of commotion...
Oh, there were about 30+ people in the pool at this point... and it ain't that big a pool... so the other dad that was down there got his 2 kids out... the hot momma took her 2 kids over to the side and kinda sat there protecting them... the attractive black kids got out (this one gal that was there, she was all like, SHABOWWWW!!! BAM!!! I was all like, that has got to be obscene, cause she had it all packed in there like a pint of ice-cream or something that gets packed in there, you know what I mean)... So I gave the 5 minute warning and told Noner to get her stuff gathered up... she grabbed her goggles and was looking around and was a bit concerned as the one whale had her floaty and didn't look like she was gonna give it up... so she asked me if I would get her floaty and I was all like, yeah, don't worry about it... so she was lookin around and this boy came swimming up underwater towards her... she saw him coming and tried to move out of the way but he kept coming towards her and all of a sudden she kinda jumped and the kid came up from under the water and she was all staring at him like what the hell are you doing and she backed away from him and stuff and got out of the pool, still kinda staring at him... now I don't really know what all happened, he was probably her age and he was swimming around all gettin up on people, but of course, being her dad makes me wanna kick his little ass if he did something, but maybe he doesn't understand what he is doing, or maybe he didn't really do anything and she was just confused and at the same time I want her to learn to deal with little pricks on her own cause I won't always be there to help her and she needs to quickly and decisively strike with much force if she is threatened...
So anyway, she gets out and I get up and start moving around the pool to get the floaty... I try to get the whales attention, and I am pretty sure she heard me, but she kept turning in the opposite direction from me and kept doing her real freaky whale breachy thing... Serious, as soon as she would come up I would be all like, hey... Well, it was more like this...
1) Excuse me, can I... (she looks at me, turns away)
2) Hey, excuse me, can... (she looks at me, puts her head under, somehow kinda turns)
3) Hey... I need... (she doesn't even bother to look this time, just goes under and turns)
4) LET ME HAVE THE FLOATY!!! (she starts to twist away and go under)
The beauty happens at this point; her momma stands up and screams at her... I don't remember her name, but lets give her something exotic, like Quetzalquatal... She is all like:
"QUETZALQUATAL, GODDAMITT GIMME THOSE FLOAT THINGIES RIGHT NOW!!!"
The little girl hears that and somehow is able to unwedge herself from the floaty and kinda pushes it towards me and her momma yells about giving up the water tube thing too... So the girl burns some holes of hate in me with her eyes and sinks down into the water like a hippo or water buffalo or something stupid and animal like because I hate her...
I grab the floaty and her mom starts swinging the water tube around at me and is all like belligerent and says something similar to "here you go" but much more uppity and evil (stupid bitch) and I am all like (with my eyebrows all up high) "That isn't mine" and I turn all haughty like... grabbed my little girl and took one last look at the hot momma who is not nearly as hot as my wife but the best that the pool had to offer at the moment, and I left...
**
So here is the thing... it hardly ever really gets hot like this around here (but we had better get used to it)... suddenly there aren't enough fans and air conditioners to go around and I have to assume that some people are getting all belligerent that their local store doesn't have one for every person in the Puget Sound, which would still mean that we would be short since certain assholes in the eastside would buy up 5 of them just in case or to keep their garage cool or something stupid...
But what I am really getting at is that people in the NW, or lets just say King County, are not prepared for the heat in many ways... My personal problem is with people going out of the house dressed like stupid buttholes... Like people going swimming but they don't have a swimming suit because realistically they have not been swimming in a couple years and they will probably swim twice this year... that does NOT mean you should wear your boyfriends boxers or cut off sweat pants to the pool to swim in... along with one of their wife beaters and your Kmart blue bra... unless you are hot, then go ahead... and the dudes, damn, so all the shorts they have generally are these ones that are like down past their knees but well above their ankles, and this is all they have to swim in... I mean, good god and jesus as well... it costs like 50 cents to buy a pair of cheap ass swimming trunks up at the fred meyer... go get a pair... ladies, they make these real cute swimsuits and sell them at Old Navy and other places, now most of you should not be seen in a 2 piece so get yourself a cute one piece... or at least something that was actually meant for swimming... and you know you got yourself a big ass purse with all sorts of shit in it... fold up that suit and keep it in your purse while it is so friggin hot and you are going over to your boyfriends buddies house with the pool...
And DAMN... I have seen more dudes out in their undershirts... serious, undershirts... not t-shirts but actual shirts that usually never see the light of day because they are hidden, and they should be hidden, because they are ugly and gross and stained and stretched...
What is really freaking me out is that some of these people, if you just randomly passed them or glanced at them in their normal local clothing/costumes, would perhaps appear to be attractive... but somehow, when the thermometer rises up a little bit, people end up getting uglier and uglier... and the weather lately just proves my theory that most people look much better with clothes on than without...
Wouldn't it be cool if the sun were like positive energy or something, the nicer it is out the more attractive everyone gets... so when we get to these heat waves suddenly it is like supermodels all over the friggin place... yeah... or if we really were some hidden tribe of beauty and noone really realized it until the sun came out and suddenly everyone is all like, DAMN!!! Where have YOU been hidden...?
Why does this beautiful weather have to conspire against us and make us hate each other, or at least make some many people appear to be soooooo unattractive???
posted by Catfish at 10:31 AM
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