The Dr. is In...

Over the last week I came to the conclusion that I either stepped on a gypsies foot and she cursed me, or I am rotting from the inside out. I went through all the scenarios... from accidentally stepping on a some chicks foot and saying something about being sorry but the gypsy (cause that what she actually was) recognized me as someone that doesn't like gypsies (or midgets) and gave me the evil eye without me realizing it.. Dude, maybe snaggletooth is a gyspsy, that would explain things... and now I am cursed to having stomach distress...
Or otherwise I am rotting from the inside out... I narrowed this rotting down to either my lower intestines, greater stomach or my prostate is completely rotten through and it is spreading upwards and it will have to be cut out, and it probably spread to my left nut, so that will need to go, so they will have to replace my nut with one of those synthetic "Nads", for symmetry, and I will need to take double doses of Viagra or something in order to get the works erected... and knowing me I will take a dose in the morning and a dose at night, every day, just in case I have to perform at a moments notice, like if the bus is hijacked and I am taken captive by a band of horny pirate women and they will let one captive go per time I can copulate with them... and there will be like 20 of them (at least) and they will all be really hot, but I will cry the whole time, but it turns out that this actually turns them on, the crying... So it will be for the good of all the riders on the bus, you know, my being able to perform...
I knew this dude once, who had done so many drugs that he was completely burned out... couldn't do drugs anymore or he would like freak out or be out of service for days afterwords, or something like that... funny I never really asked him what would happen, only that it was bad...
So I was thinking, perhaps that is what happened, I ate so many bowl noodles and jalapenos and misc other hot and spicey things that I threw my body out of wack and now I am shot, can't eat anything with a hint of spice... if I do, my stomach freaks... and fluids start leaking out from wherever the hole has formed and I start digesting myself, creating a stench of rot and death... Now all I can eat is tapioca and noodles with no sauce on them, probably no more Uncle Dans, pizza rolls, poppers, and misc whiskey products... it will probably get to the point where it is seeping outta my skin, on my belly, right hand side, horizontal split in the skin, just up from the belly button... stains my t-shirts and you can't even shout it out...
OH MY GOD, what did the doctor say???
HUH? What dr.? I just told you, I diagnose myself. and I probably did a better job than an actual "Dr." would do. They would make me jump through some hoops, perhaps poop in a bag or cup or something, use it as an excuse to fondle my fella's, charge me for it, then tell me I am sick, just sick, but they would say it like, "look here you big puss, we have dying chirren in the lobby and you are wasting our time, you are JUST sick" and then they wouldn't give me any prescriptions for anything except what I could already get at the local Walgrens... bastards...
I need a real dr., someone I can trust, someone I can go to when I think I am dying, and they just give me a pat on the ass while they are giving me a big hug, tell me to stop by the pharmacy with these 3 pieces of paper (this will be our secret, ) and get some ginger ale while you are there... and the scripts are for some exotic psychological someting or others that makes everything look bright and I am full of energy and everywhere I go people try to play with my nipples. The other 2 scripts are just something simple, like bacon flavored cough syrup and some sort of something something that I can waive at the cops when they try to bust me for it... not the marijuana though... You know, I would probably even let the dr. take pictures of me, just for her personal records, you dig, just to maintain the relationship... show how much we "trust" each other, because having the trust between the dr. and the patient is very important...
Although, and I will let it rest after this, I imagine that in the end, I may be look back and say, DAMN, because they finally gave me the drugs but it is because I am SOOO far gone there ain't nothing left but making my last few days a little less painful... maybe too much meds, you know, a little wink wink if I wanted to take myself out... "Definately don't mix 3 parts this with 2 parts of that and drink a shot of whiskey, Mr. Wafer, that would probably kill you, quickly and painlessly. If you were to do something like that you would want to make sure you have all your affairs in order." And they would shake their heads at what a waste of a perfectly viable organic creature... sexy too...

**
p.s. I see that I got my second hit from my gloryhole tag. Freaky French Bastard...

not dead yet, but probably dying

It started yesterday sometime... Sometime after I started and before I went to lunch. I remember looking at my screen and thinking that I everything looked foggy. By lunch time I was shaking. I figured I was starving to death so I ate. I drank some coffee.
For about 20 minutes I felt great... then it all changed. I was not looking forward to having to pay any attention to anything, or speaking, or walking, things like that. My legs felt week as I walked to the bus. I think I read on the bus, Harafish by Naguib Mahfouz. I got home and sat down, finally, and had a beer and a nice dinner made by my baby.
I felt tired and relieved to be home. Then my baby had to leave for a while and I started feeling less than relieved.
You know those pictures of a snake den, where there are like a billion snakes? and they are all rolling and churning around? That is how my stomach felt. I booked a vacation at the local toilet bowl and, uh, sat on the beach(?)... 3 or 5 times. I stopped when there was nothing left to, uh, sit on the beach for... I was empty.
I told myself I felt better at that point, that I was gonna be just fine and could power through the next couple days. I would sleep off any residual, uh, oogie, and be fine in the morning.
I slept well, and figured I was good to go, but you know what, I made my coffee and started drinking it and it tasted bad... not like Starbucks coffee bad, but like there was something intrinsically bad about drinking coffee... which everyone knows is not true... of course I drank it anyway...
Dude, I almost made it, seriously... I got my lunch made, I did my things and stuff, and took a shower (which was delightful) and was looking forward to actually driving to work today. That is where it all ended. I had to sit down for a minute. Luckily I was in the bathroom and so I sat there on the thing with the water and the hole and things disappear into, all sorts of things disappear, if you know what I mean.
I realized at that point it was a lost cause. I took a quick inventory...
I had:
1) churning and burning stomach
2) pain in my lower back (kidneys?)
3) periodic shooting pains in my head
4) brain cloud otherwise
5) shortness of breath, more like hard to breath
6) dizzy
7) soo sleepy
I decided to call in sick... which added to the inventory:
a) Shame, shame, shame
b) Loser
c) something else I can quite finger...
My dad used to always tell me that only the worst employees called in sick and if you were going to be sick you might as well go to work and get paid for it...
I called in anyhow, or tried... I called the 800 # and started hitting buttons that should get me to the right place. I hit the wrong #'s, had to hang up and call back. I entered the wrong #'s again and hung up.
Called back, hit the wrong #'s, but then kept hitting #'s until I got back to the recording, at which point I again hit the wrong #'s... Wrong #'s meaning I didn't know the right extension to call, not that I was so fucked up I couldn't hit #'s on the keypad correctly.
Dammit!!!
So I got online and emailed some people. I found someone on Aim (hey RedBear) and got the correct extension. I left a message. I found someone else online and told him I was not gonna be in... I figured all my bases were covered.
I laid down on the couch, covered myself with a bankie and fell asleep for a couple hours, or an hour, or something... I had the strangest dreams, dreams I dare not mention other than saying I had a dream... although I remember this one part, yeah... hold on... ... ok...
The lovely wife woke me up wanting to know what the hell was going on, I felt like a loser... She has never given me a reason to, but when I have to say something along the lines of how I don't feel good or am sick I feel like I am really letting her down and she begins to wonder what kind of guy she married... She told me to go to bed... I did, and I slept and slept... and had more dreams, strange dreams... when I wasn't dreaming I was either hot or cold, and I was achy all over, and I was kinda twitchy, and crampy... I could feel my intestines tighten and roll... I would try to breath deep and relax and ZAP I would get a shooting pain in my head... then I would sleep...
I finally got up when everyone was gone... I layed on the floor and watched Capote (uh... wasn't THAT good)... I had an egg... egg is gone now...
and here I am now...
Sorry about that...
Here is a goat Peeing.
See this and other delights from Remlinger Farms by clicking on the picture.

99 44/100ths random crap

I think I can feel it coming on...
This might be the big one, Lucille...
I petted a goat or two this weekend (HEY, that sounds like a euphemism, doesn't it, Petted the Goat, like:
Hey, what did you do this weekend?
Me and the old lady stayed in and "petted the goat")
But really, I did pet a goat or two, and a sheep, and some other small goat/sheep like animals... Oh, and this little fat cow... (damn! what a sexy post so far)...
And when I petted this one goat, I was trying to feed it some pellets or something, but it didn't want the pellets, it was all sniffin and lickin my hand (uhhh) and I got goat drool all over my hand (HAWT!)...
I slowly washed my hands in the cold water, my skin getting tight from the cold, then pressed and pressed the soap dispenser and foamy creamy white soap was all over my hands, and I rubbed it into my skin, between my fingers, up and over to the back of my hand, then rubbed my hands together over and over and over, then gently pushed the knob to get the water flowing and slowly pushed my hands under the cold water and they were all slick and sliding together as I rinsed and rinsed and finally I was done, I took a towel and wiped the moisture off until I was dry again, and I threw the towel away... then I took a picture of a turkey...
I hope I wasn't cranky, I didn't mean to be cranky... I don't like to be in crowds of people at places like that... I have a problem with people feeling entitled, and I felt like I was in the belly of the beast, so to speak... Fall City, Remlinger Farms... a little to close to all the fancy rich eastside people with their big fancy houses, and their big fancy cars, and the matching sweat suits and $300 strollers... I cringe when I see these eastside wives climbing out of these big ass SUV's dressed casual but loaded down with gold and diamonds... talking in their cell phones as they pull out their kids and blah blah... apparently I do have issues... but really, they will not hesitate to run your ass over with their strollers or nannies or whatever then make YOU apologize for being in the way to be run over... I think, although this did not actually happen to me... I did see a few of them stop in the middle of the sidewalk and leave their strollers blocking the way... I don't know, now I just feel bitchy...
I think I am coming down with something... did I mention that? No? Well, yeah... I do...
Must think positive thoughts...
Ok, how about this... My wife is so hot!!!
While we were wondering around on Saturday I was noticing that none of the bellevue bitches held a candle to my baby. She was like a panther, or puma or lioness or something, all slinkin' around the place... I was followin' her around, waiting for her to like kick someones ass or stare them down or something... She wouldn't do that, not just for the hell of it... She would be nice, smile and laugh and stuff, but if someone stepped out of line I imagine she would strike like the cobra and leave a trail of less attractive or more uptight women laying on the ground whimpering... I admire her for this...
She has been working hard on her music stuff, going to school and getting the girls to their schools and doing all the other stuff she needs to do... she is like a flurry of activity all the time... I feel like a total scrub next to her... I don't think she believes me when I tell her I think she is hot or talented or other things, but I think it is just because I do not have words that adequately describe my admiration... I use small words, easy to pronounce, simple... I deliver it much like I would deliver a uhh, what are they called, report or something... opening paragraph where I state my point, then a couple paragraphs where I state my point in simple detail, then a closing paragraph where I, uh, conclude my point...
You are pretty,
I think you are pretty because...
In conclusion, you are pretty...
Somewhere in there, as I try to hit my key points, the eyes start to glaze (she got that from Marlys), or the chirren interupt (I think you arMOM CAN I HAVE SOME KOOLAID?) and my point gets lost...
Or I try to get all super fresh funky funky and BAM!!!
I'll be all like, "HEY BABY, I WANNA PLAY THE DRUMS ON YOUR BUTT, THEY SO FINE" and she will be all "WHAT DID YOU SAY, ASSHOLE?!?!" and I will be all like, "uh, you have a nice butt and I was gonna pat on it or something, like they were bongos and stuff" and she will give me a look like, "you think that is a real good idea" or "why do you think I would agree to that?" or "?!?!?!"... and instead of just dropping it I will try to go on and explain my point and how funny it really is, which drops me from being Super Fly funky fresh daddy, to some sort of groveling person of the type that I hate and want to bash their heads in... Damn...
Uhh, and I would create some sort of sculpture, some sort of monument to her beauty but I really am not one that has any of what people call "artistic talent" or something... I can't believe I took art in college... what was I thinking? I know what I was thinking.. I was thinking that there was this hot blond chick that was going to be in the class and I couldn't wait to see her... Damn, she was sooo hot... I wrote poems for her (for real) and I was all like, hey, you wanna read my poem, and she was all like, hey, that doesn't totally suck ass, and I was all like, huh, huh, you get it, huh? and I can't remember what happened then, except she ended up moving in with me and we drank Wild Turkey a few times, and played nintendo, I was soo slick, lured her in with a foot massage and nintendo and WHAM!!!
What? oh, yeah, can't do art pretty...
So I guess that just leaves me with the ability to write run on sentences and repetitive similes...
Perhaps if I bought her some lacy string underwear... What greater show of love and devotion and admiration that lacy string underwear? and a see through top... I don't want to over due it, give her a big head or something, Oh, but some leather pants, too... that'll show her, that will FINALLY prove my love to her... oh, and some of those boots that come up to the knee, with like a high heal, and a zipper... ok, that would do it... might be too much... maybe... and a leather jacket, with tassels... put it all together now...
lacy string undies, leather pants, see through top (wifebeater?), boots, leather jacket with tassels... Aaargghhhhh....
Be right back, time to pet the goat... uhh, I mean, gild the... no, dammit...
I could probably get away with giving her a hug, telling her I love her and letting her take a nap... but you can't really shout that from the mountain top, now can you... "I LOVE YOU, BABY, NOW GO AND TAKE A NAP"... I am probably blowing this all out of proportion... really...
Dude, I got up this morning, like usual you know, and ALL OF A SUDDEN... I was on the bus.
I was sitting there and I suddenly thought, How the hell did I end up here?
Really... I remember being at home, making coffee, etc. etc. and all of a sudden I am on the bus... I swear I am losing my mind... oh, and I noticed, whilst on the bus this morning, over to my left, there was some movement, it was the snaggletooth, sitting all by herself, she looked right at me, SHE HAS A MUSTACHE... and a snaggle tooth, and a keyring with about 200 keys on it (and an Albertsons card) and a pouch and a pooch, and a ponch... this was no ordinary mustache... it was prominent. It looked like the mustache I had in my high school pictures... Oh, and I was going to mention, then I wasn't, then I thought that maybe I already did, but here I go anyhow, that the Sausage, since the day we made eye contact, he has been trying to do it again... but I am not letting him... I am making sure I keep my head/eyes high in elevation than his, so as to still be the alpha male, but I am not allowing him to make contact... he tries, Oh lawdy, does he try... he tracks me as I get up to him, and as I pass, I can see his head turning, he is aiming his lasers at me... I am going to start slapping him as I go by, although... although... what if he digs that, like a bad dog trying or something, any attention is good attention... I think I will mix it up... one day slap him upside his big fat head, the next I will wait till he is walking by and give him a shot to the cock... WHAM! maybe kick him in the thigh, KAPOW!!! Slam him with my backpack... flick boogers at him, for the sake of science, of course... I will first break the toes on his right foot, then the left, then his kneecap, left then right... femur, hip, every other rib, poke his eyes and when he opens his mouth to scream I will split his tongue in half.. when he shuts his mouth I will, quick, crack his nose... then, as he is doubled over in agony I will slap the back of his head, SLAP!!! and, when he finally looks up, beaten, low dog in the pack, I will let him look me in the eyes, and I will shrug my shoulders like, "Hey, Sorry dude... "

Holy Shit!!!

I woke up this morning thinking of "the inevitability of death", the song, for the most part... I was actually trying to remember how this one verse goes... I know I can look it up in the etherspace if I wanted to, but I don't, not really... There is just 1 word I am missing from the verse, I think the word is "fantastic" but that doesn't make sense to me for some reason, so I am just kinda groovin' on what other possible words would fit there...
So then I started thinking about the inevitability of death, the real one, you know, like, how we are all gonna die one day. You know, I am not really sad at at thought, not right now (gimme a few minutes, that might change)... and I had this huge, uh, speach? diatribe? whats that called, Lecture, all done up and was presenting it to the audience in my head (they hang on my everyword and there is a girl in the front row wearing a skirt and it is all pulled up and she doesn't have any panties on, or a bra, and neither does the girl next to her)... I was fabulous, talking about how different people of different beliefs, uh, believe in different things (wtf?) about what happens when it is all over... From St. Peter hanging out at the pearly gates (declaring us the nicest of the damned) to something about a bunch of virgins and stuff (ok, that I don't understand, so you martyr yourself, go someplace where you are given a bunch of virgins, lets say 10, so they are virgins so that you can be their first, then they are no longer virgins, just 10 gals hanging out with you and then what? what are you going to do with 10 non-virgins now that you are dead? I am sure that is a gross simplification, but I am lost)... Oh, and like me, I am this close {} to enlightenment (looks like a butt, huh) and so I get to continue on until I have the option of opting out, although I wouldn't because I need to come back and help the rest of you... ahh, I was gonna go on, but shant...
So I was thinking about that this morning and I was sitting on the bus and I got these songs that came on that seemed to be all about death and/or moving on or something (except "Hey Boy" which is about how this chick sat outside at this party and just talked with this dude for a hour or two and she thought that something could be starting, but then the dude never called and she is asking why?)...
So I am sitting there wondering if there is a connection or if I was making the connection up when I looked accross the aisle from me and the Sausage is staring at me again... sunken eyes (blue) and huge chin and forehead (and not in a good way) so I did my deal where I pretend I am a visitor at the zoo, looking through the glass at the monkey and wondering if they are actually seeing me when they stare back, and somehow the gaze was broken, so I looked over and the fidgity redhead was sitting next to him pretending to sleep so the Sausage wouldn't try to talk to her (he tries to talk to her I have noticed) and I still had the whole death thing on my mind and I looked at this chick and I thought "how unfortunate"... she looks unfortunate... she has pretty features but she doesn't wear them well, like, if you only look at her mouth it is nice, or you only look at her eyes, they are nice, her nose, nice, hair, well that needs some work... but when you put them together, like compile them, she doesn't look that hot... I imagine that when she hangs out with her friends she is not the one that gets hit on, she is the one that ends up with the ugly dude, I imagine she gets abused by the only type of guys that would have her, you know what I mean, but she might get lucky one day, maybe some nice crosseyed dude will not be able to focus on all her features at once and find her beauty in her parts... oh, and I find her to be stumpy... squat... which are not terms of description you normally hear when speaking of great beauty...
and the trend continues, somehow I followed a path, decided to look up Rage Against the Machine, 'cuz I love de la Rocha's voice, you know, and on the wikipedia page there is a picture of one of their album covers, so I clicked on that and it took me to a page about this buddhist monk that practiced self immolation to protest the Vietnamese governments oppression of buddhism, basically he poured gas all over himself, sat down on a busy street corner and lit a match... no fanfair, no big speeches, just sat down and did it... apparently there were thousands of people around and everyone just watched, some cried...
Now dig this, witnesses say that as he burned he never moved, didn't make a sound, never broke the lotus position, Dude, he was totally focused in what he was doing, he was a 67 year old monk, a master...
Now dig THIS... after he was dead his body was taken and cremated (Uh, thats what it said) and when it was all over all that was left was his heart, his shrunken heart, it would not burn, well, any more, it is thought to be sacred, it is a relic now, on display at his temple... I guess he has a nice big stupa dedicated to him, he is very well thought of...
Hhhmmnnnn, I wonder if I am going to die today... If I happen to go I would like to mention to some of you that I loved you, to others of you, eh, I kinda liked you, oh, and most of the rest of you can kiss my ass... I don't want no fancy funeral (can't spell funeral without fun), I'm kinda thinkin you can just prop me up somewheres, like in the corner, and everyone can mingle around the room pretending that it is a celebration of my life, when actually everyone is just a bit freaked out, and there will be drinking because it sounds like a good idea, then someone maybe will start crying and people will say things that start with "Remember when.." or "Remember that time..." or "that asshole", stuff like that... and if everything works out I will kinda tumble over out of the chair or whatever shit ya'll put me in (better put me in a papasan chair, a big one, and people can take turns getting in next to me and getting their picture taken) and someone will have to grab me and try to prop me back up... maybe think about stapling my shirt to the wall... then, when the party is over and ya'll are cleaning up you can just toss me out like a dirty old popped party balloon, like accidentally leave me laying in the yard as you leave and conveniently forget to pick me back up... I will be someone elses problem at that point, let them deal with it...
OR DUDE!!! better yet, real late, when everyone is good and loaded maybe ya'll can come up with some hairbrained half-assed plan, like to put me on the top of the water tower, or toss me off the space needle or something... and I say GO FOR IT!!! or feed me to some goats, that would be cool... or a pig, yeah, no... no need to blasphemy... OK, its a plan... go for it...

**
Have I mentioned lately how my wife ROCKS!!! For real... Hey Baby!!! Thanks for Rockin' so hard...
XXoOXoxooXO

a priest, in the Temple of Syrinx...

Today is going to be LOOOONNNGGGG, I can just feel it...
so I was listening to the Rush this morning, Temple of Syrinx, on the bus, I was diggin it, things were going well... I was remembering some most likely imaginary night where it was dark and summertime and I was riding in a car and we had this song blasting... a good old timey summer memory, you dig.. and I was smiling, smiling on the bus, which is rare (no showing emotion on the bus, yo) and I looked up, accross from me was the fidgity redhead (I have decided she is a midget, never fully formed in the womb) and I looked over to the Sausage, who was sitting next to her, and he was looking at me and smiling, and I realized I was smiling at the same time and it was like WE WERE SMILING AT EACH OTHER or something... I got a head rush, like when you cut your finger off and know it is about to hurt, whats that called, shock, yes, I went into shock, got all clammy, sweaty and cold at the same time... it passed, but the music never recovered...
Thats all, I mean, it was just a moment or two, on the bus, you know...
Hey, maybe if I get all jacked up on coffee... yes, that should solve everything...
OK, so I had this dream last night, I was at this party, it was a family friendly party or something, not like a hardcore deal, just some people... I remember talking to this girl and hoping that my wife wouldn't get mad, although I wasn't doing anything, really, but I felt like I was sneaking to talk to this chick... it was weird, so anyhow, me and this girl ended up sitting on the floor, and there were these balls, like big ones, kids balls, and we were rolling them back and forth, and I thought this was risky activity, you know, because we were playing together or something, and we weren't talking, just smiling at each other, and she started rolling this ball towards me and there were words on the ball, and I understood that her name was one of the words, so each time she rolled the ball over I would read the word on top and it was always something stupid, like Everlast, and I would look at it and say "Everlast?" like that was maybe her name and she would shake her head and I would roll the ball back and she would roll it to me again and it would say something like 10psi and I would say "10psi" (even though I knew that was stupid) and she would smile and shake her head and I would roll it back to her... and we went through this a few times and while we were doing it I would look around to see if my wife was watching or anything, but noone was paying us any attention, so finally she rolled the ball over to me and I stopped it and started reading the word at the top, but she leaned over to me and stopped me and turned the ball until her name was on top and I read it like 3 or 4 times, it was something weird, like Milot or Mileot or something, I remember it seemed to rearrange itself a few times until I came up with something, so I figured it out and said her name and we looked at each other and she smiled real big at me like I was such a smart boy for figuring it out, and I was happy to have figured it out, everything was very friendly, and right then the alarm went off... and I am not sure how I feel about that...

**
So I put up some more pictures...
Here is one of them.


There are a bunch of the latest sleepover, uhh, and stuff...
Here you go

Holey Fudge Fingers

a real trooper

Yea!!! 100dredth post...
**

I have a plan, a plan for North Korea, or just Korea... A plan that will allow us to take care of them for once and for all...
See, they are all REALLY hungry, you dig... starving, really, which sucks for them because they LOVE to eat, and this will be their downfall.
See, I also know that they have a serious weekness in that anything CHILI CHEESE related causes them to have explosive diareaha. Not only diareaha, see, but it also causes them to masturbate furiously and continually until all bodily fluids have been depleted. Oh, it also makes them surly...
So, I figure, first off, that we fly over their homes, covertly like, under the guise of a "humanitarian mission", right, and parachute down some chili cheese burritos, some chili cheese fritos, some cans of chili and some cheese and some fritos (make they own damn chili cheese fritos), and, uh, any other iterations and combinations of chili and cheese...
Then we wait, laughing and rubbing our hands together, for about 2 days... then we simply walk in and take over... they will be unable to resist because of all the shatting and jerkin' off they have been doing... What we should do, actually, is go in and shoot any of them that are still whackin', they are the strong ones and we obviously don't want to have to deal with them... it will be grand, you dig, cause they will see us come rollin' in and they will be so busy playing with themselves that they won't be able to grab their rifles (this is my rifle and this is my gun, this ones for shootin' and this ones for fun)...
We can just go in and spray some air fresheners and Lysol around, maybe throw some kitty litter down, then help them get better so they can sweep it all up, clean the poop and jiz up... then just walk away... it will be sweet, they will be so frickin confused, thinking we are going to enslave them or something, but they we walk away, right, and they will be all protesting and shit, complain to the U.N. or something,
"they made us shit ourselves, and jack off, and then clean it up and then they just left"
and we will all just sit there and smile and make little circle motions around our ears and coo-coo sounds and just shrug our shoulders... it will totally fuck with their minds and teach them a lesson...
Sweet...

**
Dude, the bus is so crowded lately, seriously... Yesterday I sat in this one seat and was like 4 inches from the Sausage. I was facing forward, he was facing sideways... I could have reached out and smacked him one, right in the jowls... I almost reached out and touched him, on the hand, it was right there, but then I was afraid he might burst, like one of those people that hemorrhage if they are touched by real life actual other human beings... or he might just pop, like a big friggin balloon and there would be little pink pieces all over the place, what do they call that.. spatter... yes... he had this clipboard and a pen and he was studying this piece of paper, kept staring at it, then he would flip it over and scribble on the back side... AND I SWEAR, I was within a foot of him and could clearly see the scribbles on the paper but couldn't read a single word... actually I thought I saw the word "locker room" somewhere on there, and some numbers here and there, zero's, mostly, but the rest of it was just random squiggles... for a second I thought it was shorthand but I decided it wasn't... I also decided that his job must involve cleaning bathrooms or something, like he is the retarded kid that got hired to clean up after everyone and he is documenting his process on the back of the document that tells him what to do and when... yes, he is that retarded... not the nice kind of retarded where you want to buy cookies or lightbulbs from them, or give them meddles for making it accross the finish line, no, he is the bad kind of retarded, the kind I define as him being a stupid stinky asshole... there, I said it...
but it is really crowded... at least in the morning... I almost, ALMOST, had to sit next to the snaggle tooth this morning, there was an empty seat right next to her, and I swear she looked at me then looked down towards the seat, I don't know if it was a come hither kind of look or if she was trying to figure out if we would both fit (or would she have to move her fanny pack, still with the fanny pack) but I was all like, HELL NO!!! but as it was I had to sit within a foot of her, and right accross from the Sausage, oh, and my buddy Dave (not that one, the other one) was there, but he was sleeping, but if he hadn't been sleeping I was gonna say, Hey Dave, nice shoes.... he was wearing some Puma's... ok, next to the sausage was the redhead chick, the one with the thong problem, she was looking at her phone like she was willing it to ring or something, maybe reading something, and the Sausage was trying to read it too (I could see his lips moving) and he was not cooth or nothing, just staring right at it, then she was trying to put her headphones in her tiny ears and balance her cellphone on her lap, so the Sausage was all staring down at her lap, then he looked at me and was all like licking his lips and I was afraid he was gonna rape the poor girl or me or something... but I think I made a mistake, I made eye contact with him, I try not to do that but I was all like, why is he licking his lips and where is he looking, oh shit he is looking right at me and that is when our eyes locked... I was trying to remember gorillas in the mist, what to do in situations like this, when a big silverback makes eyecontact with you... I couldn't remember if I was supposed to grunt or lower my head but keep the eye contact or what... I broke the gaze and he farted (well, maybe he did or had been the whole time, something stunk, but that could have been the snaggle also... I imagine one of those pictures that explain gravity and stuff and there are rings around the snaggle and the sausage and I was some fantastic hot astroid right between the two of them, but the rings were stink instead of gravity... Oh, Adolpho the criminal element was sitting next to dave, and the dude that runs all the time was next to the snaggle and some stinky old dude was next to me (he had old man brown pants on, reminded me of a high school math teacher)...
Oh, I was not late for the bus at all this week, but last week I was like 3 or 4 times, the bus would be coming up the hill and I would be bustin my ass up the hill and the bus would pull up along side of me and the driver would open the door, still moving, and I would jump on the bus and he would keep rolling and the driver dude is like this old blues guitarist or something, nice old black dude, and when I would jump on the bus he would say something or other, most likely something about leaving the house earlier or something, but it was all, uh, blues guitaristy... like, what do they call it, hambone or something, you know, like wagga wagga flibbin flabban or something, for real, real throaty and slow and drawled out... I gave my patented response of "yeah, huh" with a laugh thrown in... I am diggin him as a driver now, I think we just had to get our timing down and we were all cool...
But in the afternoon we have had this young chick, I don't think she knows what she is doing, she likes to get in the wrong lane or start merging over from the carpool lane too early... you should have seen it the other day, she was just at the top of southcenter hill when she started moving over, and the traffic was stop and go and everyone on the bus was all like, WTF and She better not get off on the wrong exit, and this chick actually asked me if I knew what she was doing, I said no, like really, how the hell would I know... she took the right exit, ok, but then, when she was pulling away from the stop just off the freeway, she all busts over into the far lane instead of the middle turn lane, she has done this every time she drives, then she has to disrupt 2 lanes of traffic cause there ain't no way the bus can make the turn from the inside lane... and she always hittin the breaks and then hittin the gas and the bus is all jerkin like some crazy korean on the chili cheese or something...
I am nice to her when I get off the bus, am all like, hey, thanks, and she smiles at me, I don't want to hurt her self esteem, but she really does suck...

one toe over the line...

I was going to type out some of the shit that Uncle Buk said, but how to choose, how to choose, so just go and read it for yourself...
Wikiquote - Bukowski

**
Some of the children in my house are apparently INSANE, which stands to reason, you dig, cause they live in my house...
product of their environment and such...
So... periodically there is much screaming and "to do" (as they say on the streets) and often times it comes completely out of the blue...
"Have some milk" we might say to them
"I don't want milk" they might retort
"Yeah" says us, "but you haven't had any today"
Sudden freak out...
but the thing is... you see, it is like in a movie, like in "the goonies" when the fat kid runs into the freaky dude and the fat kid screams and the freaky dude screams then the fat kid screams then the freaky dude screams, in this scenario I am the freaky dude... someone screams at me and I am all like, "HEY???" and they are like "AHHH" and I am all like "HEY!?!" and they are like "Aaarghh" and I am all like "HEY!!!" and then something else happens... I don't remember what happens at that point, my mind seems to clamp shut at that point, sphincters up (as the kids say nowadays) until it is the size of a pea, only basic bodily functions opperate at that point, and I mean very basic, like only breathing...
I probably shouldn't be talking about this... my enemies might use it against me. I can see them rubbing their hands together now... "Excellent" they are saying to themselves... they will capture me, tie me to a table (naked, cause this is their big chance) and then play sounds of randomly screaming chirrens... and take pictures of my package (again, this is their big chance)... some panoramic shots...
Anyhow, yeah, so this screaming, maybe it is not always screaming... sometimes it is an extended monotonous whine, like feedback... yeah, just like feedback... unsolicited feedback... where they tell me something over and over and over and over and over for several hours... I try to stop it, I use skills and stuff, whats it called, empathy... They will say something like "I'm scared" (in the middle of the day in a well lit room with vanilla scented candles and flowers all around, they are scared) and I will listen and try to find out what it is they are scared of, offer suggestions, hugs, logic and it don't work... Suddenly its an hour later and I realize they have not stopped telling me they are scared the whole time... So I start all over again and it STILL doesn't work...
I remember dealing with something like this when I was working undercover for the man... I was deep undercover, working as a congressional page... got close to this senator, he promised to take me under his wings, show me the ropes... I remember he bought me some beer once, I think it was bad or I drank too much or something, its all a blur, I remember waking up in the morning, naked and sore...
Actually that is completely different...
Like yesterday, it started around, lets see, what time did I get home... Ok, 4:30... I want this, I want that, I don't want this, I don't want that, I'm scared, I cut myself, crap like that... I'm all like, coo coo (like a dove, you know, soft and soothing)... I tried to distract with the great electric babysitter... No Joy... I took her out to the store... she was scared we were going to take the Cordoba, I said, no, your mom has the Cordoba, I miss mommy, she says... Coo Coo... I get her to the car, she screams, there is a leaf on the roof, a scary leaf... I get rid of it and put her in the car... She wants to know where we are going, I tell her we are going to the H-Mart, She says she doesn't want to go to the scary store, I tell her we aren't, we are going to the Korean store, She wants to know if it is scary there, I tell her it isn't, that it is full of tiny people, like her... she tells me she doesn't want to go to the scary store, I tell her (again) that we are not, she tells me she doesn't want to go to the tiny store, I laugh, she screams, I tell her it will be fun, there are wild things to see there... she cries, I don't want to go to the wild store, I tell her it will be cool, don't worry, she tells me she wants mommy... I tell her so do I (BAM!!!)... We get to the store and she wants to know if there is anything scary in there, I start trippin' hard, I swear we went through this earlier... I pick her up and carry her into the store, force her into the cart, she told me she didn't like the store (as we walked in the front doors), she screamed when she saw a scarecrow inside, I hurried by it, grabbed 3 cases of bowl noodle, she asks if we can go now, I tell her NO... I went up and down a couple aisles, tried to distract her... Dude, I said, hey, you wanna see some squid, as soon as I said it I was all like, oh shit.. and she was all like, YEAH!, so I showed her the squid and she thought they were cool, So I showed her the crabs, she freaks, what is happening to the water... I wasn't sure...
Anyhow, we left the store eventually, I stopped back at the house, she wanted to know if mommy was home, I said NO, she wanted mommy, I told her we were just stopping for a minute then would go pick up Noner, she wanted to know if she had to put her shoes on, I told her no... PHEW... Dodged the bullet on that one... We went and got the Noner, got home, I said, hey, here is some candy, relax on the couch, when the big hand is on the 12 you need to get your pajama's on... WHAAAA... do we have to go to bed then? No, just get your pajama's on... WHAAA... do we need to brush our teeth? Yeah, good idea, brush your teeth too... WHAA... Then do we need to go to bed... No, not yet, lets just get it done and see what happens...
Big hand on the 12, they go and GET IN A FIGHT IN THEIR BEDROOM, which involves yelling and stuff... I break it up... I may have even said something like, GODAMNIT KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF, or something... but it was probably much more fatherly and supportive, yes, I am sure it was, anyhow, back to the electric babysitter,
Big hand on the 6... OK, time for bed... WHAA... you said I could wait until mommy gets home... No I didn't... Yes you did... NO, you go to sleep so I can go to sleep, that's the deal... WHAA... can we read a book? NO... WHAA... Are you going to the big bed? NO.. WHAA, I want to sleep in the big bed... NO... I want mommy... NO... I leave the room... DADDY... I'm scared... I want mommy... I need a drink of water... I'm going to throw up...
45 minutes later mommy gets home, I let her take over, I check out... fitfull sleep, but I have trouble sleeping anyhow, I sleep with one eye open (old habit) and wake up ritually every 20 minutes to switch eyes so I don't get all dried up... sure its hard, but thats the life I signed up for (when I say signed up for I really mean genetically programmed and covertly trained, special ops all the way) yo...

**
you know what is a nasty combo? Chili cheese fritos and coffee that has been refilled and let cool down 3 times...
You know whats tasty? Bowl Noodle...
Nong Shim has it going on... in Korea they have Hotels, Mega Marts, Chemical Companies, Damn, all sorts of stuff, but I can't really tell cause I DON'T READ KOREAN...
But LOOK...

Oh, by the way...

This is THE funniest thing EVER!!!

BANG!!!

Bukowski

When I get down to it, and I can't think of anything but CRAP, I look to Bukowski... I think it is time for a mega dose, a little saturation, set my mind at ease...
Look here, if you are not familiar with my man Bukowski
Hey, lookie here... Free Samples:

haul ass, wonder woman
Pain is as classical as the arrow
that flys
but it can get dreary
too
like old shoes under the bed

or maybe we'd better say
stockings?

anyhow, get yours out of
here.

***
I figure, now, that if I do end up running away one day, I will not end up in a fish and chips restaurant by the sea... nor as a hotel desk clerk in Canada (had always imagined Moose Jaw or Montreal for some reason)...
No, if I disappear, and my body is not mysteriously found some few days later (we can't tell how he died, but it looks like he had a spider bite on his thigh, very suspicious, really) you might try looking in Argentina, Patagonia to be precise. Figure I might take off and try my hand at gauchoing... you know, be a gaucho... riding the high plains of patagonia, on a horse, chewing on coca leaves, eating steak... thats the life for me, boy... I will name my horse goddamnit... it will be easier that way, since I will probably be saying goddamnit all the time, like, goddamnit my butt hurts, or, goddamnit, when I pull on the reins you stop, you hear me...
Actually, maybe I will be a vaquero instead... gauchos wear puffy shirts and puffy pants and scarves... they are colorful people, but damn, people think I am gay now, imagine what kind of crap I would get dressing like that... Vaqueros, though, they get to wear chaps... which is still kinda gay, but at least it is butch... only problem is I would have to be a few thousand miles north of the plains... hmmnn... what was that movie? with some dude, riding a motorcycle, he was a dentist, Daniel Day-Lewis? Eversmile, New Jersey... it will be like that. I will be like Fergus, a dentist, and cruise around patagonia in chaps on my motorcycle, and I will be accosted by the most attractive women in Argentina who mistake my attention to their dental hygeine for love, sweet sweet love... except I will be a cowboy of some sort... Dammit, I don't know... really, it will involve the high plains of Argentina and eating steak... and my name Johnson, Johnson Everlong...

a Modern Lover...

I don't usually do this, but I love Jonathan Richman.
Watch this whole thing... if it is loading slow, I tell you what, turn down the volume and go and get yourself a beer or something... give it some time, you need to see the whole thing... For real...

Dreaming, I am...

Ok, for what it is worth, I had this dream...
I don't put a ton of stock in dreams, figuring that they are most likely a combination of my mental state and random shit, which really is like say dreams are random shit and random shit... hmmnn...
Like if I said I had this dream, right, that you were a bowl of cereal (like cheerios) and I was a huge banana, and I was going to jump into you but you said you didn't like banana's so I cut myself up into pieces so there were disks of banana floating in a bowl of cereal, what the hell does that really mean? Something about sex, apparently, I would assume...
You know... it doesn't stop me from getting on the bus in the morning...
So anyhow, I had this dream last night, I don't remember it all, but I was in the desert or the grand canyon or something... I remember it was red and tan, and there were smooth canyons, like I have seen in pictures... I was with some people and we were going to a conference... I didn't realize this until we showed up. So we get to this conference center and I am walking around like I own the place, I know my wife is around somewhere doing some conference type stuff... so I go walking into this kinda open space that was a bar/restaurant, but it was closed, so I wandered around and there was this shallow river off the back side of it... I had the girls with me and I told them they could play in the water... it was shallow, was not too swift, if you are facing the river, on the far side was the wall of the canyon, the river ran from left to right, the riverbed was smooth... I told them not to worry, there was no waterfall, they told me there was, up river, around the corner, the river ran in another direction, it was a little deeper, a bit more swift, and there were people playing around... I told the girls to stay away... F was playing in the edges, just dippin' in, I was walking through the water, trying to figure out how dangerous it really was, I knew where the falls began, really, really close... J was playing on a rock with some little boy about 10ft from the edge... I told her to get back, she said it was alright, I told her no it wasn't and to get back... I was trying to figure out how high the falls were and I was moving towards her. She fell off the rock she was on and started floating towards the edge... I was trying to get to her but couldn't move fast enough, you dig, but luckily she caught another rock and stopped herself. I was able to get to her and pull her back. She hugged me... I took both of them out of the water...
So we went back inside and I left the girls to dry off or something, and somehow ended up in this rec center... it was kinda ghetto and there were a bunch of dudes hanging out... you had to go by this cage to get in and this dude in the cage recognized me and kinda gave me the nod, like, heya... so I go down these stairs into the gym and there is this stage set up and this hispanic rapper dude was up on the stage and he was trying to get the crowd to say his name, it was something like El XXero (chero, gerro, something) and the dudes weren't doing it... he looked at me and I kinda shrugged...
So I went back up the stairs to find the bathroom, found one and went in... there were a bunch of chicks walking around, taking showers and stuff, it was dark and grey and all the girls were unappealing... I had to take a piss and finally found this row of sinks or something near the showers, and I had to aim high to get it into the sinks and I was getting splashed from the showers and couldn't tell if I was pissing on myself or not... after I got done I was walking out and this big black dude gave me a slap on the back and was trying to fuck with me and I just ignored him and these other dudes were telling him I was cool and could play ball... the dude is all like, oh yeah, you play ball, cool, lets go... so I headed back down towards the gym and the stage was still set up but noone was down there, and I found a basketball but I knew that I couldn't really play, I suck, so I just dropped the ball and left...
So then I was back in the conference center and I was looking for the girls, and I found them and told them it was time to go, then we went and found my lovely wife... she was on the phone, we waited a couple minutes... I knew she was talking to this old friend of hers, someone I had never met and didn't feel threatened by... so she got off the phone and was kinda acting funny, like wide eyed and thoughtful... we got on this bus or something, it was open air, I remember that we were going down the road and the sun was nice and warm, and the breeze was warm and we were on some sort of overpass, and I looked at my wife and said something like, you look like you were hit by a truck or something, and she kinda nodded and said she felt like she had been hit by a truck and I knew there was something up and she said or it was inferred that she wanted to explore her feelings with this dude, like he had always been there and she had always denied it but couldn't deny it any longer, and I knew I had to let her go and do it, because if I didn't it would be bad for both of us, but letting her go would only be bad for one of us... and it was kinda weird, I turned around in my seat and the hot wind was blowing in my eyes and I started to tear up but couldn't tell if it was because of the gritty wind or something else...
We ended up back at the waterfall and they had put a chain link fence over the falls so people wouldn't slip over them anymore, and it kinda sucked cause the thrill was gone, there was no danger and noone wanted to swim there anymore... the restaurant was full and there was no place to sit and the hostess looked at me like, well why the hell didn't you stick around if you wanted a table...
This is about where I woke up, I think I was about to either go off on the hostess or try to join a table of people I saw, or was going to go off on the hostess but didn't because I saw this table full of people, I don't know... I woke up, anyhow...

**
HEY, I smoked that last smoke I had in my backpack... did it this morning... it was 5 months old. I was going to go on and on about it, something about kicking ass and chewing gum, and I was going to throw something in there about other things and stuff, but you know... I felt like smoking it and I did, now it is gone and I am still here. How about that. I am all powerful. Next I think I will try conquering Heroin or oxycontin or something... someone gimme some heroin or oxycontin so I can prove how powerful I am... and the naked hookers... and something about robbing banks... and fast getaways...

peu de mort

Gawd...
I have this huge growth/parasite growing out the side of my head... it is absolutely hideous... I can't hardly believe it. I don't know where it came from, I just woke up yesterday and it was there. I say it is coming out the side of my head because I don't know where it starts. It is like Mt. Fuji or something... the east slopes start on my neck... the west slope gracefully slants down to my face proper... North slope up under my ear and and south slope is slowing creeping down my neck... it really is like a volcano, erupting and shit, you dig...
it is not so natural and romantic as I am describing... dude, I am serious, it is on the aisle side of my face and when people walk by I swear to gawd they are brushing up against it... it is leaving streaks on their clothing... luckily they are so disgusted by what they see that they are no longer walking by my desk...
I am afraid to get up or that I will need to talk to someone... I talked to this one guy, earlier, and I am pretty sure he threw up a little in his mouth... but I will need to get up eventually... I hate to say it, but I didn't bring a lunch today, so I will need to go someplace with food, and people, like a restaurant... I am sure it will put everyone off their lunch when they see me walking by their table... shit...
I keep imagining it is one of those bot flies or something, somehow growing out the side of my head, eating a nice little den for itself out of my flesh... eventually it should poke its head out, I think... but that would probably hurt a bit more... maybe it is a spider bite, like a brown recluse bit me.. and my skin is slowly dying... if it is that and I don't do anything about it I figure I have about 3 more days before someone finds me dead somewhere... shit...
I had one other thought, but I am not sure if it is more or less likely than the other ideas... I was figuring that perhaps the gods were jealous of me and decided to put a blight on me, but they didn't want to really just destroy a work of art, you dig, so they just put a blight on me... something hideous to offset the pure lovely of me... damn gawds... always gettin all up in my business... smitting and smotting (smiting and smoting?) me all the time...
I could get used to it, I suppose, this here growth, but, you see, it is so big I am starting to have physical problems... it is dragging my head to the right and now I am getting a kink in my neck, muscles getting all tight, tension headache forming... Also, I can't lay on my right side any longer... my head gets all jacked up into weird angles and shit... again throwing me out of whack... Oh, and I have to go through doorways sideways... oh, and the hideous looks... and the smell, it is starting to smell smelly... and I will probably get tired of talking about it... I figure that one day people will grow somewhat accustom to it and it will become a conversation piece and I will have to make smalltalk about it and people will maybe pat it when they go by...
"Hey Asshole," they will say, "hows the hideous growth?"
at least it will take some of the focus off my package...

***
Dude, I finally went to the Pecos Pit for lunch, for real... after 5 years here I finally worked up the courage... I felt like such a knob, though... There were only like 5 people in line when I got there so I didn't get much chance to study up on the proper procedure... seems like they were just going up there and saying what they wanted and then moving to the side... hmmnn...
OK, so there are like 5 things on the menu, beef sandwich, pork sandwich, hotlink sandwich, baked beans, soft drink... thats about it... uhhh... Then I saw another sign... if you want to add a hotlink to your sandwich you say "SPIKE IT" really really loud... if you want it on the side you say something like side spike it, not sure, not really relevant, I mean, really, gimme a hotlink on the side, please, not hardly... So I get up there and there is like mass commotion with people doing shit and stuff... and the gal was trying to find this money she dropped on the floor or something (dude, I am so high as I type this, sweet) and she is talking to me and I am about to wet my pants or something, right, so she stands up and looks at me like WTF?!? (could be the growth on my head, though) and I say something like "Gimme the pork and spike it" like I knew what I was doing, then she is all like, Mild, Medium or Hot? and I am all like, uhhh, HOT, yo... and she looks at me for a moment and says "Hot is hot"... and I am all like, is that a question or a statement or just idle chitchat or what... So I kinda throw out a "Yeah" trying to sound like I knew damn well it was hot, or that I agreed that hot was hot, or to just give her an opening if she was trying to chat with me (apparently even with this growth on my head people want to have sex with me, go figure)... She seemed to indicate that I should move my ass on over to the right so everyone else can order their f'in food or something, and I say or something cause I started scooting and she is babbling something at me and waving her hands... Wide eyed and frightened that I had crossed the line or did something super stupid (I'm so stupid, dumb, dumb) but I dug down deep and found some balls and I squared up and looked RIGHT AT HER and said in my bravest voice "huh?"... Ahh, she wanted to give me my change... shit... oh, yeah, thanks, money, sure... ok...
Luckily the food came fast and I grabbed the bag and ran down the street crying, stopping only long enough to grab a Stranger from the paper stand, until I got back here to this place...
I got lucky and got to sit in the lunchroom with this Mexican chick... I practiced my social skills while she tried to not look at my thingy on my face... I did notice she stopped eating as soon as I sat down, though... I unwrapped my Pork Sandwich with Hotlink (spiked)... May I say it is/was goddamn tasty, for real... HOT!!! my lips never really got to the tingle part, but the shit kinda creeps up on ya... minute or so after you swallow all of a sudden you are all like, hey, I just ate something really really hot... hey... it was big and fat and really Porky, my kind of homo... I ate maybe a little more than half and though about powering through, but by that time I was startin to trip... like, streamers and humming and stuff... not the kind where I hear police (can I help you, son?)... So I stopped... I am sooooo glad I didn't gild the lily on that one... I swear, as I sit here I feel like I took a couple hits off a can of whipped cream, except I am full... f'in grin on my face... DUDE... meat is murder just came on... holy shit, and I just ate a bunch of meat, hehehe.... holy shit... What the fuck... how did that happen... I am soo high... wow... did I say that out loud? HA... whoa...
I am going to sit here quietly for just a little while, then I might see if I can get up and go get some water or something... oohh, maybe find a room and take a nap or something... someplace dark and quiet... damn... intense... what was in that sandwich?

**
Damn, I was gonna say, something about going bowling yesterday with these people that are in this place where I spend all my time... It was so surreal... for real... first part of it was because my team was made up of intriguing people... this dude I used to communicate very well with, he is in a band and shit, is really cool and stuff, but we can't talk like we used to... I feel sorry for him in that respects... The other dude, this big black dude, speaks like 18 languages... he reminds me of my time in Tangier's for some reason, like he is gonna pull some big old sword out and start swinging it at me and I am gonna have to run for my life... then there was this chick... not sure what to think about her... she seems real enough... big hooters... but she wears them well... I guess when you get down to it... anyhow... we bowled well as a team, came together in a friendly manner...
lane next to us was some people, some chick was over there, she also has large tracts of land (that is a euphemism for a large bosom)... and this other dude I will not speak of, then this other dude... this other dude, he was loaded for bear... in part because he was, uhh, well, he was in communications with mr. greenjeans (?), uhh, oh, and he had a flask of my favorite rum in the world (Cruzan 120 proof) and he shared it with me... he was frickin funny... I told him I liked the way he handled his balls and he said he gets that a lot... then he asked me if I needed any help with mine...
Can't really blame him, you know... I had a couple drinks (literally I had a nice shot of Wild Turkey and a pint of Stella Artois, and a shot of 120 proof rum, and half a glass of beer) so I was pretty attractive at that point... I didn't drink to the point where I was a good singer, thanks goodness... but I did drink enough to make me attractive and everyone want to have sex with me... like normal...
Like at one point this chick on my team with the hooters, she like turned and pointed them at me and she's all like, "So, why do they call you... Catfish..." all breathless like Marilyn Monroe or something... I was sitting on my hands and wouldn't let her, like, rub up against me like a cat in heat or something, and I didn't answer her question, told her it was a long story... for real, wouldn't let engage, turned her away... Then this other chick was all like, OH, I will need to find you next week, there is something I want to talk to you about... I think she liked her lips when she said it, glanced down towards my bulge... but it was dark and there were black lights and my bulges have a strong gravitational pull so I can't put too much into it... Oh, that Some Chick gal, she DID rub up against me, several times... but I think I owe her that much, you dig... Oh, and this other chick, she was taking pictures and she was all like, aiming the camera at me and then at herself and then back at me then back at herself and I was all like, hey, you can't take pictures of yourself like that and she is all like, I LIKE taking pictures... I think she mumbled something about feet and stuff...
Oh, and then there were these other two chicks, they looked like barbie dolls or beer commercial chicks, but I don't think they wanted to have sex with me, I think maybe they were gay because all the guys were standing around waiting for them to kiss each other or something... I know there were hopes that they would, and maybe take a shower together and let us all watch or something... but you know, they weren't "real"... I mean, they seemed like they were, uh, replaceable? not unique? kindling.. yeah, kindling... like you could take them and break them into pieces and throw these pieces on the fire and when they burnt down to nothing it would be no big deal cause you could get more... they were attractive, for real, but not my kind of attractive... they were the kind that you could take out, right, and while you were standing at the bar either their ex-boyfriend who is a well built, muscular lawyer with fantastic hair, would come up and they would need to go and "talk" somewhere and you would find them, later, making out in the hallway, and they would just kinda shrug their shoulders and then take off on his motorcycle... or ya'll would be standing at the bar, you and her, and she would keep getting hit on by all these dudes while you are trying to talk and you would get all discouraged and she would suddenly get a headache after her phone rang and she got a text message or something...
Seems that there was a lot more going on... a lot of milling about and random non recognition of others... but I think I have lost my steam at this point, my pork buzz is wearing off, and I am spent... peu de mort...

The start of the evil...

I got nothing...
took the kids to get halloween stuff last night. Had to stop at the store first, should have gotten a clue along with the sugar... as we walk into the store they have a little halloween decoration thingy sitting there, I think it was a scarecrow or something... I barely noticed but the girls started tweakin'... I blew it off... we passed some more decorations and it caught their attention for a minute or two, then they noticed there was scary stuff right next to the pretty stuff, and they started tweakin' hard... kept askin me if we were going to pass the scary stuff again or if we had to go out the same door when we left, shit like that... I was all like, no, don't worry, be tough, there is nothing to be scared of... Dammitt... we had to wander through that friggin store like 15 times... I have never made so many laps of the store before... kept having to go clear across from one end to the other... kids were whining, when are we going to the halloween store... you woulda thunk I would have made a connection at this point... nope... so we somehow made it through the self scan checkout without me having to yell too much (heh, the gal didn't even need to check my ID for the beer I bought, she could tell from my tone I was old enough, even if I wasn't she would probably have let me slide)
Dude, so we finally make it out to the car, the girls have their flavored milk treats and I tell them we are gonna stop at this one halloween store before we go to the other... I point it out as we drive by... there it is, I say... they look and START FREAKIN AND CRYING AND SHIT... and I quote "nononononono" and "no, daddy, I don't wanna go in there" and misc other random word type tones... tears and stuff... for real...
I am all like, it will be fine, we will get past the front door and it will be fine... The little viking wants to know if there is scary stuff in there, I said maybe a couple, but I will carry you and you can hide your eyes... more crying and shit... really pitiful...
So I carry one and drag the other... I told the oldest one to close her eyes and I will guide her past the front door... It's all cool, for like .5 seconds... First there is this big blow up things, not really scary, looks like something on a cereal box... but they freak, so we hurry past it... then there is some scary music, and they start telling me about it, when we pass this motion activation scary sound, like howling or insane laughing or something (it is all a blur) and they kick it in to high gear... I swear they would have made a run for the hills if they were not too terrified leave my side... J is hiding her eyes in my neck and has a death grip on me and it yelling at me to "take me out of here"... F is hiding under my coat and wants to leave...
I find the perfect costume for J, exactly what she wanted... I was even willing to pay the $30 for it, and I had them both distracted for the shortest moment... then they hear something and start tweaking... I try to find the costume F is talking about... but there is all this yelling and crying and scary stuff and people staring at me... some of them were laughing like they understood, others were looking at me like I was the worst kind of asshole child abuser... I tried to find the other things I needed but in the end it was not possible...
I put the costume back and got out of the store as quick as possible...
I tried to make it right with them, said things in soothing low tones, but they weren't having it... J starts in with the "I am going to have nightmares tonight" which is step one in her master plan to not have to sleep in her own bed... she is crafty like her old man... I start trying to use logic on them, yes, me... logic... but that weren't working... we went over to party city to see if they have anything that is not too scary... they are already scared of what might be and so we do a drive by so they can look out the window... they take one look (big orange sign with black cats on it and Halloween Central (or some such thing) in big black letters... Hell No, they tell me... but it involved high pitched tones and crying and stuff... All the way home I talk to them about self fulfilling prophecies and visualization techniques so they will not be scared... but it does not good...
The house is dark and I have to walk with them everywhere... I get them ready for bed and read multiple books and make them laugh and stuff... they are happy... I bargain with the little one, I will sit here with you, and hold your hand, until you fall asleep... she wants me to stay a little while after she falls asleep... so I do... she falls asleep and I sit there thinking happy thoughts, trying to stretch and contemplate the middle path and shit... right, so then I get up and kiss F one last time before I head out... Shrieks and crying... YOU SAID YOU WOULD STAY AFTER I FELL ASLEEP, I'M SCARED, DON'T GO, DON'T GO, I WANT MOMMY... Sigh... so I tell her that we had a deal... I am outta here... keep your ass in bed or I will paddle your ass like a canoe... I tell her, I am totally serious here... keep your little butt in bed or else... and crap like that... she is all like ok, real small like... so I leave the room and make it as far as the couch when I hear the door open... Aarrghghg... I run back there and get all growly... WHAT DID I TELL YOU, GET BACK IN BED, YOU AREN'T GOING TO HAVE A NIGHTMARE, NO YOU CAN'T SLEEP IN THE BIG BED, WE CAN'T KEEP GOING THROUGH THIS EVERY NIGHT, YOU GOT YOUR CHOCOLATE IN MY PEANUT BUTTER, MOMMY IS NOT HOME SO STOP ASKING FOR HER... etc., etc., ... and since I promised I turned her around and took a couple swipes at her ass... but you know what... I didn't really hit her any harder than I do when I play the drums on her butt... pumpumpum... but I do it with urgency and parental shreiking... I was a total howler monkey... she acted like it was no big deal and got back in bed... I chilled out and said nice things to her and hugged her and kissed her... she wanted to know if she could sleep with her sister... F was still awake and had no problem with that... she climbed up in the top bunk and they cuddled up and were quiet and stuff... I went to bed...
some indeterminate time later... the bedroom door opens... I figure it is the love monster coming to attack me... turns out it is the little viking and her momma... I am all like, WTF?!?! and the lovely mrs. explains that the little one was in the top bunk and I was all like, YEAH... I put her there... turns out I am a bad father (my words) for doing this as little chirrens could fall down the ladder in the middle of the night when they get up to sneak into the big bed... ahhh... yes, but they were quiet is my contention... You are an ass, was the wifes contention...
Then I went to sleep, then I woke up, then I went to work, then I am going to go bowling...
I want to name our team The Tourettes... this chick on my team says, you mean those things you put hot pans on? WTF??? uhhh... I have no clue what she is talking about...
**UPDATE: She replies back: OH - Tourettes! Not turrets. Temporary malfunction... **
HAHA... I get it... she means Trivet... HAAHA... I think that will end up being out team name...

a spy in the house of love...

Dude,
so we moved up to the 3rd floor. The nosebleeds have stopped and I no longer feel lightheaded all the time. I made a remark to someone, in response to her asking me what I was doing on the 3rd floor, and don't I belong on the 3rd floor, something to the affect of moving on up and being "elite" now. Did this mostly for the benefit of an original 3rd floor person. Dude, he looked totally tweaked after I said that. kept his eyes down low and ran away. I was going to chase him down and say something to him, like, dude, whats up? It's ok... Now I feel sorry for him... somehow me rising to elite status and him already being elite and now just the same as the rest of us, well, you know, he probably has esteem issues, or his predjudice is all confused cause he hated us, but now we are him, now he hates us but then he hates himself, but how can this be and he is not one of us... stuff like that... I wanted to hug him, tell him it was going to be ok.. but then I started thinking about him crying and shit, getting his teardrops on my shirt and me having to stand there and pat pat pat him on the back like I care but really I am just waiting for him to stop so I can stop and be a man again... damn... so I just let him run off... I could probably find him if I listened for the sobbing coming from under a desk somewhere, or perhaps find them sitting in a meeting somewhere talking about what are they going to do now that we have invaded... like ants we are... swarming all over the place, harmless, for the most part, but really a nusuiance (screw spelling)...
But, man, on the 3 floor, there are like 3 extra flights of stairs to get up here, which in the morning is no big deal, my legs kinda hurt when I get to the top for some reason, but I get there... but damn, going down at the end of the day is a trip... See, I go down, then I turn to the left, then go down and turn to the left and go down and turn to the left and rinse and repeat a couple more times... by the time I get to the bottom and I give it a little squeeze, what.. oh, I mean, I get to the bottom, well, before the bottom, after 2 turns I am all confused like, where the hell am I, then I make a couple more turns and I am at WTF then one more turn and I am at the bottom, then I pat it... no, then I am at the bottom and I am all like, damn, thats fucked up... shouldn't have to make that many turns or something... it always seems like too far, but there I am... Now I get to open the door and I have NO idea what it is like outside... I haven't see "outside" all day... no matter what it is like it is weird... if it is hot out I am all like damn it is hot, and bright... If it is cold out I am all like, damn, it is cold, whats up with that... and if it is just right I am all like, huh, strange... but it is always too big... there is no 18 ft. ceiling, no gentle cubicle walls holding me in, no difuse bland colors to keep me from getting too worked up... life outside the cacoon is spooky and intimidating...
I sat next to the convict today... I don't know if he was more scared of someone thinking he was a homo for sitting next to me, or if I was more scared he was going to make me get off the bus with him so he could rape me... we sat in silence... right in front of us sat this kid, he looks fucked up.. his hair is all thin and he is pasty like he has aids or is a major tweaker... he looks wasted, washed up and used... next to him sat the chick that needed to have her thong adjusted the other day... she has an unfortunate chin, like not much of a chin at all, besides being a redhead this is her biggest flaw... oh, that and the whore brand across the bottom of her back... and being this close (fingers this far apart) to being a midgit (to hell with spelling)... so overall she sucks... except that she has boobs and is kinda cute somewhere in there... so the convict next to me, I was thinking that this is probably the first woman he has seen since he got out of the slammer and he is probably wondering how to get it on with her... or how to attack her as he gets off the bus... he is viscious... He is the kind of guy you don't want to have introduced to you as your current loves ex... Something about dirty hands or something... I don't know... I will leave it... but, damn, the bus is crowded these days... I watch everyone sleep... I wait for my chance to pull the driver from his seat after he has a heart attack and drive the bus to safety... like on speed... and Sandra Bullock will be my girlfriend in real life and we will spend her money cause I got none, but it will be no big deal cause we have this understanding that it ain't about the money and what's mine is hers and whats hers is mine and we will joke about keanu reeves and about how Jason Lee should have played Neo in the Matrix... and how Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy would have been SOO much better if Terry Gilliam had directed it, then we will have an akward silence over our wine (red for her, I like white) because we seem to agree about everything... Heh, then Jonathan Richman will break up the silence with a song about how dificult it is when it is so easy and we will smile...

**
For the record... Gloryhole = 1 hit...
Scat is far more popular... hmmnn...