Cash Only

This isn't how it started, but I remember being asked if I knew anyone that would take on a sick mountain beaver.  I knew it was a trick, someone trying to lead me into a path of lies and deception.  Of course I knew someone that would take on a sick mountain beaver.  I have typically been attracted to "special cases", if you know what I mean, and I think you do.  But it was too early and too soon to walk into this trap, especially since we were going to lunch and would be walking along the train tracks with the grafiti and the hobos, and you know where that takes you.  So I just kinda laughed it off...  I wasn't completely sure that she knew anyone with a sick mountain beaver, or if she had been checking out my package and was trying to subtly hint that, beyond a "piggy back ride" she was looking for some special attention to her lady parts.
I always assume that the girls want me to pay special attention to their lady parts, I guess that is how I roll.
I had already mentioned that when we went to lunch that this wasn't a date, just a couple folks having some good eats, you dig, and she would have to pay her own way.  If a chick is paying her own way it means there isn't going to be any shenanigans, generally speaking.  There could be shenanigans.  For more information on lunchtime shenanigans, involving parking garages and rampant nudity, just text me.
So, I was all like, lets go get some BBQ.  It's payday and I am feeling rich.  And she was all like, that sounds like a lot of effort.  And I was all like, there will be hobo's and train tracks and grafiti, and she was all like, my BF is super smart, and I was all like, I am generally acknowledged to be smarter that most people you would assume are smarter than me, so she was all like, ok, lets get some bbq, and I was all like, ok, hows 11 o'clock sound and she was all like, that is way too early, and I was like, bitch, I need to eat and when are you free and where are you because you aren't answering my texts.  Then she came over and was like, how how come you aren't answering my texts, and I was all I like, I been talking to my boy here and didn't know you were texting me and are you ready to go?  And she was all like, no...  WTF?!?!? 
So I went back to my desk and maybe did some work and maybe pretended to be working, I'm not sure, that part is hazy.  I think I was listening to Morrissey.
So I finally found my balls and was all like, you know what, I'm gonna go downstairs and I'm starving, are you gonna get your ass down anytime soon.  She was all like, yeah, gimme about 5 minutes.  Whatever...

Long story short, well, not really, but we tried to catch a bus and the driver was all like, fuck off, this is my last stop, and I was all like, that's pretty rude, and he was all like, well, where are you going, and I told him and he was like, yeah, fuck off.  Oh, and this chick was with me, so I looked extra uncapable of fathering any offspring that would amount to anything...  I kinda shrugged it off since I been fixed and am not capable of fathering children anymore anyhow, although I can still go through the paces, just keep that in mind, yo...

So we went down the street, then crossed another street, then had to cross another street, past the train tracks.  The hobo's must have seen me coming and they all disappeared, but we got to see a lot of graffiti (this would never hapen in Malaysia).  I was all like, hey, look at how fancy I am because I know where dudes go to spray paint shit all over the place and she was hella impressed, but who wouldn't be.  Then we crossed another street and she just kept on walking and I was all like, HEY, where are you going?  because we were there.  I could smell it!!!

I went up to the window and said howdy to the owner and the nice Mexican people behind the counter and ordered up.  Then the chick I was with was all like, OH, they only take cash and she didn't have any cash.  So I had to pony up the cash for her lunch, which suddenly turned this into a date. AWESOME!!!  That means I could expect some action, because, really, if you pay for lunch for some chick the least they can do is put out.  I think this is common knowledge, and really, common courtesy.  I mean, really, how rude would that be if you bought someone lunch, after they were talking about their beaver and then all you get is some sort of "I'll get you back" kinda pat on the ass.  It's kind of a given. 

Oh, BTW, anyone wanna go to lunch anytime soon?

As I write this (and this is absolutely fictional) I am finishing the last of the pulled pork with a hotlink. It is AWESOME!!!  It is making my lips tingle, which is funny, well not really, but it reminds me of the BJ I got after I paid for lunch and she still had bbq sauce on her lips and it made my man parts tingle.  That totally did not happen, but it makes for a better story.  Actually, it doesn't sound that awesome. 
1) Because I am totally devoted to my wife
2) It would have been along the train tracks and the hobos would have probably watched and, well, never mind..
3) I seldom let people I don't know well give me bj's, even if I do pay for their lunch.
4) It weren't no thing...  shoot, it was just lunch.  Come on people!!!

There's probably more, but it doesn't really matter, you know.  I think I ended up naked at one point, there were some (2) guns drawn, but my exquisite nudity and general flexibility defused the situation.  Oh, there were a lot of dogs, that was strange... 

I think I missed something, but I will probably remember later and bring it up and we will all laugh about it and some ways down the road we will say something about "remember that time"...

peu de mort

Gawd...
I have this huge growth/parasite growing out the side of my head... it is absolutely hideous... I can't hardly believe it. I don't know where it came from, I just woke up yesterday and it was there. I say it is coming out the side of my head because I don't know where it starts. It is like Mt. Fuji or something... the east slopes start on my neck... the west slope gracefully slants down to my face proper... North slope up under my ear and and south slope is slowing creeping down my neck... it really is like a volcano, erupting and shit, you dig...
it is not so natural and romantic as I am describing... dude, I am serious, it is on the aisle side of my face and when people walk by I swear to gawd they are brushing up against it... it is leaving streaks on their clothing... luckily they are so disgusted by what they see that they are no longer walking by my desk...
I am afraid to get up or that I will need to talk to someone... I talked to this one guy, earlier, and I am pretty sure he threw up a little in his mouth... but I will need to get up eventually... I hate to say it, but I didn't bring a lunch today, so I will need to go someplace with food, and people, like a restaurant... I am sure it will put everyone off their lunch when they see me walking by their table... shit...
I keep imagining it is one of those bot flies or something, somehow growing out the side of my head, eating a nice little den for itself out of my flesh... eventually it should poke its head out, I think... but that would probably hurt a bit more... maybe it is a spider bite, like a brown recluse bit me.. and my skin is slowly dying... if it is that and I don't do anything about it I figure I have about 3 more days before someone finds me dead somewhere... shit...
I had one other thought, but I am not sure if it is more or less likely than the other ideas... I was figuring that perhaps the gods were jealous of me and decided to put a blight on me, but they didn't want to really just destroy a work of art, you dig, so they just put a blight on me... something hideous to offset the pure lovely of me... damn gawds... always gettin all up in my business... smitting and smotting (smiting and smoting?) me all the time...
I could get used to it, I suppose, this here growth, but, you see, it is so big I am starting to have physical problems... it is dragging my head to the right and now I am getting a kink in my neck, muscles getting all tight, tension headache forming... Also, I can't lay on my right side any longer... my head gets all jacked up into weird angles and shit... again throwing me out of whack... Oh, and I have to go through doorways sideways... oh, and the hideous looks... and the smell, it is starting to smell smelly... and I will probably get tired of talking about it... I figure that one day people will grow somewhat accustom to it and it will become a conversation piece and I will have to make smalltalk about it and people will maybe pat it when they go by...
"Hey Asshole," they will say, "hows the hideous growth?"
at least it will take some of the focus off my package...

***
Dude, I finally went to the Pecos Pit for lunch, for real... after 5 years here I finally worked up the courage... I felt like such a knob, though... There were only like 5 people in line when I got there so I didn't get much chance to study up on the proper procedure... seems like they were just going up there and saying what they wanted and then moving to the side... hmmnn...
OK, so there are like 5 things on the menu, beef sandwich, pork sandwich, hotlink sandwich, baked beans, soft drink... thats about it... uhhh... Then I saw another sign... if you want to add a hotlink to your sandwich you say "SPIKE IT" really really loud... if you want it on the side you say something like side spike it, not sure, not really relevant, I mean, really, gimme a hotlink on the side, please, not hardly... So I get up there and there is like mass commotion with people doing shit and stuff... and the gal was trying to find this money she dropped on the floor or something (dude, I am so high as I type this, sweet) and she is talking to me and I am about to wet my pants or something, right, so she stands up and looks at me like WTF?!? (could be the growth on my head, though) and I say something like "Gimme the pork and spike it" like I knew what I was doing, then she is all like, Mild, Medium or Hot? and I am all like, uhhh, HOT, yo... and she looks at me for a moment and says "Hot is hot"... and I am all like, is that a question or a statement or just idle chitchat or what... So I kinda throw out a "Yeah" trying to sound like I knew damn well it was hot, or that I agreed that hot was hot, or to just give her an opening if she was trying to chat with me (apparently even with this growth on my head people want to have sex with me, go figure)... She seemed to indicate that I should move my ass on over to the right so everyone else can order their f'in food or something, and I say or something cause I started scooting and she is babbling something at me and waving her hands... Wide eyed and frightened that I had crossed the line or did something super stupid (I'm so stupid, dumb, dumb) but I dug down deep and found some balls and I squared up and looked RIGHT AT HER and said in my bravest voice "huh?"... Ahh, she wanted to give me my change... shit... oh, yeah, thanks, money, sure... ok...
Luckily the food came fast and I grabbed the bag and ran down the street crying, stopping only long enough to grab a Stranger from the paper stand, until I got back here to this place...
I got lucky and got to sit in the lunchroom with this Mexican chick... I practiced my social skills while she tried to not look at my thingy on my face... I did notice she stopped eating as soon as I sat down, though... I unwrapped my Pork Sandwich with Hotlink (spiked)... May I say it is/was goddamn tasty, for real... HOT!!! my lips never really got to the tingle part, but the shit kinda creeps up on ya... minute or so after you swallow all of a sudden you are all like, hey, I just ate something really really hot... hey... it was big and fat and really Porky, my kind of homo... I ate maybe a little more than half and though about powering through, but by that time I was startin to trip... like, streamers and humming and stuff... not the kind where I hear police (can I help you, son?)... So I stopped... I am sooooo glad I didn't gild the lily on that one... I swear, as I sit here I feel like I took a couple hits off a can of whipped cream, except I am full... f'in grin on my face... DUDE... meat is murder just came on... holy shit, and I just ate a bunch of meat, hehehe.... holy shit... What the fuck... how did that happen... I am soo high... wow... did I say that out loud? HA... whoa...
I am going to sit here quietly for just a little while, then I might see if I can get up and go get some water or something... oohh, maybe find a room and take a nap or something... someplace dark and quiet... damn... intense... what was in that sandwich?

**
Damn, I was gonna say, something about going bowling yesterday with these people that are in this place where I spend all my time... It was so surreal... for real... first part of it was because my team was made up of intriguing people... this dude I used to communicate very well with, he is in a band and shit, is really cool and stuff, but we can't talk like we used to... I feel sorry for him in that respects... The other dude, this big black dude, speaks like 18 languages... he reminds me of my time in Tangier's for some reason, like he is gonna pull some big old sword out and start swinging it at me and I am gonna have to run for my life... then there was this chick... not sure what to think about her... she seems real enough... big hooters... but she wears them well... I guess when you get down to it... anyhow... we bowled well as a team, came together in a friendly manner...
lane next to us was some people, some chick was over there, she also has large tracts of land (that is a euphemism for a large bosom)... and this other dude I will not speak of, then this other dude... this other dude, he was loaded for bear... in part because he was, uhh, well, he was in communications with mr. greenjeans (?), uhh, oh, and he had a flask of my favorite rum in the world (Cruzan 120 proof) and he shared it with me... he was frickin funny... I told him I liked the way he handled his balls and he said he gets that a lot... then he asked me if I needed any help with mine...
Can't really blame him, you know... I had a couple drinks (literally I had a nice shot of Wild Turkey and a pint of Stella Artois, and a shot of 120 proof rum, and half a glass of beer) so I was pretty attractive at that point... I didn't drink to the point where I was a good singer, thanks goodness... but I did drink enough to make me attractive and everyone want to have sex with me... like normal...
Like at one point this chick on my team with the hooters, she like turned and pointed them at me and she's all like, "So, why do they call you... Catfish..." all breathless like Marilyn Monroe or something... I was sitting on my hands and wouldn't let her, like, rub up against me like a cat in heat or something, and I didn't answer her question, told her it was a long story... for real, wouldn't let engage, turned her away... Then this other chick was all like, OH, I will need to find you next week, there is something I want to talk to you about... I think she liked her lips when she said it, glanced down towards my bulge... but it was dark and there were black lights and my bulges have a strong gravitational pull so I can't put too much into it... Oh, that Some Chick gal, she DID rub up against me, several times... but I think I owe her that much, you dig... Oh, and this other chick, she was taking pictures and she was all like, aiming the camera at me and then at herself and then back at me then back at herself and I was all like, hey, you can't take pictures of yourself like that and she is all like, I LIKE taking pictures... I think she mumbled something about feet and stuff...
Oh, and then there were these other two chicks, they looked like barbie dolls or beer commercial chicks, but I don't think they wanted to have sex with me, I think maybe they were gay because all the guys were standing around waiting for them to kiss each other or something... I know there were hopes that they would, and maybe take a shower together and let us all watch or something... but you know, they weren't "real"... I mean, they seemed like they were, uh, replaceable? not unique? kindling.. yeah, kindling... like you could take them and break them into pieces and throw these pieces on the fire and when they burnt down to nothing it would be no big deal cause you could get more... they were attractive, for real, but not my kind of attractive... they were the kind that you could take out, right, and while you were standing at the bar either their ex-boyfriend who is a well built, muscular lawyer with fantastic hair, would come up and they would need to go and "talk" somewhere and you would find them, later, making out in the hallway, and they would just kinda shrug their shoulders and then take off on his motorcycle... or ya'll would be standing at the bar, you and her, and she would keep getting hit on by all these dudes while you are trying to talk and you would get all discouraged and she would suddenly get a headache after her phone rang and she got a text message or something...
Seems that there was a lot more going on... a lot of milling about and random non recognition of others... but I think I have lost my steam at this point, my pork buzz is wearing off, and I am spent... peu de mort...